Olde Stone Mill

S01E05

Enter Chef Mike, who -- I learn as this episode continues -- looks perpetually as if he's just woken up. He's getting ridden hard by Dean because the food isn't any good. "Why ain't this food any good?" Dean ostensibly barks at him, and then picks up a nail gun, only to realize how utterly useless he is in this space known as the kitchen. One of Chef Mike's first revelations to the camera is, "Do I still have passion for food? No." Then we get a medley of his handiwork: Olde Towne dishes include a greenish, juicy (not in a good way) salad shaped like an oil-change funnel, there's some type of fish on the menu, and a big steel bowl of something.

We also meet Tom, the general manager. He admits to days where he doesn't even think of eating the food. I imagine him running on fumes at the end of a long double-shift, refusing to eat, holding out hope that the Chick-Fil-A drive-thru across the street will stay open. Another member of the team is Jeanie, the hostess, who laments the slow nights. We get a quick clip of her and Dean bickering at the bar like the two oldest prostitutes at the Bunny Ranch. Dean exclaims self-referentially, "Let everybody earn money and let Dean take it up the ass, as always." And it's not as if Dean has no reason to fret. He's not paranoid. He's behind on his mortgage and worried about foreclosure on his house. Barbara, his wife, enters his office to ask for dry cleaning money and Dean asks rhetorically, about all the banks and bill collectors who need money from him too. It doesn't help that he's got an unlit cigar in his hands as he chastises his wife for wanting clean clothes. I'm a quick study, and it seems like Mr. No Bucks wants to keep up appearances. Oh Goooordon!

Vroom! Vroom! Gordon Ramsay makes his first appearance of the episode on a slick-as-pie motorcycle like Tim Allen's in Wild Hogs, entering the fray like Kid Rock before a Detroit Pistons championship game. That is one tricked-out collection of gears and brakes. I bet it set Ramsay back a few tens of thousands at least. Move over, Mr. No Bucks, here comes the judge. Ramsay struts in wearing the leather jacket Tom Cruise pimped in War of the Worlds. He shakes hands with everyone. Jeanie is impressed by his blondness. Dean is impressed by all those Michelin restaurants under his belt. The others just peer at him, looking for a wand or something. Ramsay sits down to order from the menu, a smattering of this and that, trying to get an impression of the quality. Are we surprised to discover that assumed quality does not exist? The waiter informs Ramsay that the crab cakes are fresh so he starts with those. The crab cakes taste like sour mayonnaise, the tilapia with stuffed lobster is "pretty gross," and Ramsay even gets ethnic, observing, "When a Russian can't even cook a simple risotto it's a big worry." To top it off, the waiter stands over him smacking on a piece of Bubblicious. "Please don't make me eat anymore of this shit!" says Ramsay to camera. Dean furrows his brow. He doesn't like the criticism so far. The two sit down and discuss what was served. Turns out those crab cakes? Canned. Will the entire menu share a similar fate?

Ramsay sits Dean and his wife down for a little heart-to-heart-to-heart. Ramsay wants to know if Barbara understands the full scope of financial strain that Olde Stone Mill is under. She kind of knows, but finds it easier not to think about it, which she accomplishes by only going to visit the restaurant, say, when the dry cleaning needs to be done. "What you don't know can't hurt you," she surmises, like some victim of adultery. Ramsay sets his lasers to faze: "If the house gets taken away you'd have every reason to worry." Barbara wells up in frustratingly silent tears and Dean -- he no happy. I begin to well up in very loud tears as Dean admits to owing a cool half a million dollars, all of it tied up in two mortgages and a home equity line. I say fuck the restaurant; let's get Neil Cavuto on the show.

The one busy night at the restaurant is Saturday. In the kitchen, Chef Mike, fresh from a nap, is preparing meals while Ramsay stands by to observe. Mike is on the defensive, making it clear to Ramsay that he's all alone when it comes to the kitchen. In the main room, Dean has a beer and brags heartily to patrons that "there is no place like this in Pennsylvania." Back in the kitchen, Chef Mike orchestrates ghastly food presentations such as calamari in an oversized martini glass. In the main room, Tom starts walking, then stops suddenly for no reason, then stands there with his arms folded and his face worn with satisfaction. Ramsay asks him what he's good at. Silence.

The food finally makes its way out like so many Vegas showgirls at an Arab prince's eighteenth birthday. However, it is met with nowhere near the level of satisfaction, and customers are quick to send back their food. Chef Mike is just not into it, complaining again how much of a job his job is. With all the orders going back to the kitchen, Chef Mike -- all by his lonesome Chef Mike -- gets backed up. Dean feels the need to take charge by storming into the kitchen and demanding more progress. It doesn't work. Chef Mike's philosophy is that if it takes an extra 20 minutes for the food to be served properly and, you know, edibly, then so be it, but owner Dean, who must have a few of Trump's "How To Be Rich" seminars under his belt, sees it the other way: get the crap out there already so that all these customers I've been schmoozing will continue to like me. Gordon Ramsay stands like a specter among all this and his negative evaluation at the end of the night is directed squarely at Dean. He accuses Dean of brainwashing the staff. Dean equivocates, and Ramsay asks the staff to leave them alone. Ramsay proceeds to tear Dean a nice new one, calling him a fake who enjoys standing over his customers as they blow smoke up his ass. "You don't like the truth," he tells Dean, adding the accusation that Dean is afraid to fail. C'mon, Dean! Ramsay's right. Haven't you ever seen a Michael Jordan commercial? Failure leads to success. It's just that, in your case, before success will come a long bout of homelessness and a painful divorce.

On Day Three, Ramsay hits the town. He peruses what passes for a town square, noticing all the various types of restaurants (Chinese, pizzeria, American bistro, three Italian places) and winds up in a nicely sanitized butcher shop. The town loves meat, says the butcher, and Ramsay asks him why there aren't any steakhouses. The butcher knows not why, but claims his store could supply one if it ever emerged. Oh, I see where this is going. Back at the restaurant, Ramsay slams a prime rib down on a table in the kitchen in front of Chef Mike. "This restaurant needs a theme." He means "besides dysfunction." Then Ramsay begins working his "make your shit better" magic by pumping up the kitchen staff. In an inspired visual statement, he takes a Crème Brulee torch to the motor-oil funnels previously used by Chef Mike to serve cold salad to customers. In the front of the house, Ramsay asks Dean, Mike, and Tom a salient question about the local restaurants: What isn't in the town? Tom furiously shakes his head "no" as an answer. It's not a yes-or-no, Tom. The answer, as we already know, is "steakhouse." Everyone loves it. Everyone, that is, but Dean. He's skeptical, and can't afford to make changes that might alienate or cause him to lose what he still has right now: his wife, maybe? He's fuming. And he's "not insane." Whatever, Dean -- you lose. Ramsay's changing the restaurant. To prove it, he throws a knife at the screen! Or was that a graphic leading to commercial?

Russell and Kimora Lee Simmons appear separately but in the same Macy's commercial. I wonder if that was in the divorce settlement.

Day Four is all about the re-launch of Olde Stone Mill. Outside, Ramsay unveils a new sign, to great applause. Most notable on the sign is the word "Steakhouse" that I see to Olde Stone Mill. Inside is more of that change Dean hesitates to make. The lobby now has a bunch of framed pictures from when Dean worked to convert the place from a mill to a restaurant, and the actual dining space has been entirely overhauled with new furniture, new place settings, and even new plates. It's open; it's roomy; it's colorful. Dean admits to being impressed. His wife cries, this time joyously.

Ramsay wants to get the staff accustomed to the entirely revamped menu, especially all the different cuts of steak. Tom gets quizzed on it, since he'll be the one presenting to customers a tray with each cut of meat as a choice. He holds up the tray of meat, presenting it to Ramsay like Vanna White in front of a NASA chalkboard. He's nervous and says something about a Kobe strip, to which Ramsay responds, "Sounds like a Japanese lap dance bar." As night descends, Dean threatens to fire people if things go wrong tonight. Tom is in the background somewhere, choking a rib eye for trying to skip out on the bill.

Customers begin filing in, including some slim thing of a blonde who looks incredibly out of place. The mayor arrives. Who knew the mayor would show up on such a fine occasion as this? He even looks like a mayor. You know, not like the mayor of Newark, but maybe the mayor of Punxsutawney. He doffs his hat and takes a seat. Voice-Over Man informs us that there are many special guests in attendance. Again, we are treated to our third shot of the Stepford blonde, wearing a black one-piece, seated before her meal. If she trained her steely gaze upon Tom, would he spontaneously combust? He's shaking like a leaf, the poor guy. As serving begins, we get a montage of how nervous Tom is, ending in him spilling a drink on a customer. Ramsay takes him aside for some tough love, asking him to dry his eyes and come back as the manager he's supposed to be. Jeanie's holding up only slightly better, at one point snapping "let's go" at a party of eight because they weren't walking fast enough. Ramsay reminds her not to treat customers like cattle. Get it right, Jeanie. It's not Outback Steakhouse. Tom's back! He's...sweating like a pig. Again, Ramsay has to remove him from action.

In the kitchen, Chef Mike is dealing with a technical problem. The computer that prints out each table's order is not working. Because of it, he's getting backed up. He's always getting backed up! Luckily Dean is there to say something condescending, then immediately walk out on the problem. Hungry customers grow more restless by the hungry minute. The mayor sits idly by, perhaps worrying that this little dinner invite was just what he suspected -- a clever ruse set up by his rival, Assemblywoman Amy Paulin, to assassinate the MAYOR OF TUCKAHOE. Dean comes by to reassure him that food is on its way, and I think I see the mayor flinch ever so slightly.

Dean is back in the kitchen now, screaming at Chef Mike to get going with the steaks. This time Mike shouts back! They go back and forth in a nuanced exchange. Topic: Whether or not the order receipt machine is working properly. It's Socs vs. greasers in there. The computer is broke! Read the ticket! The computer is broke!! Read the ticket!! Outside, the mayor stealthily draws up a last will and testament on his dinner napkin. Break for suspense.

I'm so sick of them shoving Orbit gum down my throat!

We go back to the screaming in the kitchen. Ramsay has had enough. He steps in, huddles the troops up, and gives an impassioned speech straight out of a bio-pic about an IT professional. "Let's get this thing back online," he says, and suddenly the staff of the Olde Stone Mill Restaurant & Bar Steakhouse is all in agreement. The printer mysteriously begins to work. Tom takes control in the dining hall. Chef Mike is no longer backed up. And Dean schmoozes more inventively.

The following day, Ramsay puts Dean back on the couch. He again accuses Dean of fearing failure. "Walk a mile in my shoes," retorts Dean. Ramsay shares his own story of failure, admitting to a failed restaurant in his home town (he thought he was the dog's bollocks). Ramsay just wants to see Dean achieve in the restaurant business, and now Dean finally sees that in earnest. He has a "fresh new open-minded attitude," according to Voice-Over Man, and in the show's customary epilogue we the audience are reassured that Dean has taken control of the entire restaurant now. In short: Tom grows a brain; Mike grows a heart; and Dean grows courage. And they all just ease on down, ease on down...

Ramsay throws an Olde Stone Mill two-hundredth-birthday celebration party, and the mayor is back, this time rewarding Dean with the key to the city of Yonkers. Yonkers? I thought this was Tuckahoe. DMX is going to be pissed. DMX is also going to Tuck-a-hoe (play on words). But he'll have some great cuts of meat to feed all those pit bulls, won't he?