Kid Nation is a new reality show about what happens when forty kids ranging in age from eight to fifteen are set loose to fend for themselves in a New Mexico ghost town. The show is set to premiere on CBS in September, barring any insurmountable legal issues. And what legal issues might those be? Well, for starters, the contract that parents of Kid Nation participants signed to get their offspring on TV have popped up all over the internet. Among the contract's many worrisome clauses was an agreement that the show's producers would make decisions regarding the kids' medical care, while not vouching for the qualifications of providers of said care. And if Junior should pick up, say, an STD in between the fourteen-hour days he's working just to stay alive? Totally not the show's fault. Same deal if he dies. Which you'd think would be grounds for at least a strongly worded letter.
It's not unusual for reality show producers to ask contestants to sign their lives away in exchange for putting them on TV. But when those participants are kids, and it's their parents doing the signing, is a line crossed?
Maybe, maybe not. Such questions are best addressed by better minds than ours. But to help those minds decide, TWoP has discovered a list of additional provisions that were redacted from the published version of the contract. Read carefully, and determine whether you would agree to these items on the behalf of your own child (or, as the contract repeatedly refers to them, "the Minor"). Remember: It's for the children. Check it out:
The Minor must post weekly observations on his or her MySpace page describing something on CBS as "awesome," "rad," or "gnarly." Similar references to shows on competing networks subject the Minor to a $25,000 fine per incidence. If the Minor does not have a MySpace page, the Minor must start one. If the Minor does not have a computer, the Minor must get one.
The Minor agrees to regularly watch CBS programming with his or her grandparents, in an ongoing effort to help skew the network's audience towards a younger demographic.
I agree that the Minor will, if asked, provide unpaid labor during the construction of Les Moonves's new summer home. Minors selected for this project will be compensated for their labor in the form of candy bars and lemonade. Candy bars and lemonade are to be provided by me.
The Minor must precede the name "Julie Chen" with the words "respected journalist" whenever making any verbal, written, or mimed reference to Ms. Chen. "Mimed references" may be interpreted to include obscene gestures, depending on context.
One or more Minors may be chosen to live with Survivor/Amazing Race starts Rob Mariano and Amber Brkich for up to one month, for the purposes of serving as a "practice kid."
The Minor may not snicker when referring to the CBS series The Unit.
The Minor may enter into a collective bargaining agreement with other Minors. However, each Minor receives the voting power of 50% of one individual, in keeping with the concept behind the CBS series Two and a Half Men. By the same token, I hold CBS harmless in the event the Minor is exposed to toxic levels of Charlie Sheen (see also: David Caruso, Drew Carey, or Dick from Big Brother 8).
The Minor may not, under any circumstances, claim to be exempt from any math class or homework in exchange for watching Numb3rs.
The Minor may not reference the book Lord of the Flies in connection to participation in the production. This applies to media interviews, online postings in any forum, private conversations, thoughts, or dreams.
Any book reports, papers, scholarly articles, or dissertations about Lord of the Flies written by the Minor in perpetuity are subject to review by CBS legal department.
The Minor may be asked to participate in focus-group viewings of episodes of The Ghost Whisperer, in order to ensure that episode plots are not too complex for target audience to follow (not applicable to Minors over ten [10] years of age).
I will not hassle the Minor if he or she wants to stay up late and watch Cane.
Early elimination or departure from the production makes the Minor liable for required participation in a future CBS reality production, up to and including Teen Boot Camp, Penal Colony, YouTube's Top Star Wars Kids, and/or any future versions of Rock Star.
The Minor may be asked to participate in future tapings of The Price is Right. In this event, the Minor will be expected to undergo a thorough medical and psychological examination in order to determine the Minor's dollar value.
For the purposes of the production and during such time as the Minor is involved in production, it is to be understood that the producers, crew, CBS network, and any representatives thereof, including any representatives acting on the behalf of the producers, crew, or CBS network on a freelance, temporary, or other ad hoc basis, are rubber. Conversely, it is to be understood that the Minor is glue. Consequently, any defamatory statements made by the Minor regarding the producers, crew, CBS network, or representatives thereof will necessarily and instantly be deflected from the person of the producers, crew, CBS network, or representatives thereof, and immediately adhere irrevocably to the Minor.
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If the Minor launches or participates in a letter-writing campaign to save any CBS show in this or future seasons, any such letters may not include any food items. CBS is still cleaning up all those goddamn Jericho peanuts.
During production, all on-camera conversations regarding what the Minors miss most about home must include at least one reference each to Shark, CSI: Miami, and 60 Minutes.
Speaking of 60 Minutes, if Minor is approached by Steve Krofft, run.
I agree to give my female child, if applicable, the first name of "Tiffany." Similarly, I agree to give my female child, if applicable, the middle name of "Network."
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