In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description! Finished? Click here to close.
And so it begins. Thirty-six kids, ranging in age from eight to fifteen, get dropped off in the middle of the New Mexico desert. The grown-up host, Jonathan, then introduces them to the four members of their "town council," who arrive by helicopter: Taylor, 10; Mike, 11; and Anjay and Laurel, both 12. Before sending them all down several miles of dirt track to Bonanza City, Jonathan takes the council members aside and tells them they'll be awarding a "Gold Star" to one of the other kids at their first Town Hall meeting in a few days. This, mind you, is not some sticky little piece of foil, but an actual gold star worth $20,000. And then he cuts all the kids loose to find the town on their own. By the time they get there, unload the stuff, find places to sleep, and come up with dinner, everyone's too exhausted to have the meeting that Mike wants.
The meeting takes place the morning instead, and it doesn't go well; Mike feels threatened by fifteen-year-old Greg's attempts to help him gain control of the chaos, and Greg storms out. And then fourteen-year-old Michael makes an inspirational speech that brings everyone together and makes him a front-runner for the Gold Star. The council members learn that they'll each be leading a different-colored "district," whose members they get to pick. Which they do.
Day 3 is all about a "showdown," in which the four districts compete with pumps and water bottles to determine which group will have which job (and which salary). Mike's red district wins, which means his group gets to be the "upper class," with a dollar salary. Despite having bigger and older kids, Anjay's blue district comes in second and gets to be "merchants," with a fifty-cent salary. Taylor and her yellow district are the "cooks" at ten cents each, and Laurel's green district are "laborers," meaning they get five cents each for stuff like scrubbing the one toilet that's shared by forty kids. But since everyone finished the showdown in under an hour, they get to choose between seven more outhouses and...a TV. The council picks the outhouses, to general approval. And then the kids all go shopping in the stores with their money. Fourteen-year-old Sophia wants to buy a bicycle, so she decides to earn the money she needs by dancing in the middle of the street. Which actually works, because plenty of the other kids are willing to pay to make her stop.
During Day 4, Jonathan presides over the first town hall meeting. Sophia, who was another Gold Star front-runner for running the kitchen at first (before getting demoted to "laborer," that is), challenges the council and the yellow district for not doing the dishes. Michael makes another big speech that makes it look like his Gold Star's in the bag. Then, instead of an elimination, Jonathan asks if anyone wants to go home voluntarily. Taylor, who has been on the fence all along, decides to stick it out. But Jimmy, the youngest at eight years old, bails out like he's been planning to do. And then the council presents the Gold Star to Sophia. The whole Gold Star thing is news to everyone else, and the fact that it's worth twenty grand seems to motivate everyone to do better from now on. And then Sophia gets to go call her mom to break the news that college just got easier to pay for. And she even has a bike to ride when she's there, too!
Yeah, I know. Seems like quite a lot of structure to impose on a bunch of kids who were supposed to create their own society, doesn't it? Want more? The full recap starts right below!
So, on this show that's all about kids, the first person we see is...an adult. He's Jonathan Karsh, who's going to be the host/camp counselor for this little experiment. He walks around what looks like an abandoned movie set, but it's actually Bonanza City, New Mexico, an old ghost town. He tells us that the town already failed once, but now some new pioneers are on their way to make it work. And you'll never believe this: they're all kids! Whoa! Kids? What kind of show is this?
On board the yellow school bus (of course) carrying most of the kids, the very first one we meet is Jimmy, from New Hampshire. He's eight. Eight. Jeez Louise (I can't bring myself to curse yet with all these kids around). He thinks he's going to die out there. He may be onto something. Mallory, also eight and from Indiana, has reservations of her own, although she's glad to have her mute sister Olivia along. Jared is from Georgia, and yet he reminds me of a cross between Jonathan Lipnicki and Seth Green in Can't Buy Me Love as he borscht-belts about his fear of catching a disease or breaking a leg. Jared strikes me as your basic, weird, spazzy eight-year-old, which is kind of a shame, because he's eleven. Jonathan tells us there are no parents, no teachers, and the leaders are kids, too. "It's the first ever Kid Nation." Wait, you mean there are going to be more?
The title sequence is all inspirational-like, with kids doing stuff together and waving a big flag, but it's short, and there aren't any names in it. There are forty of them, what do you want?
Jonathan stands by the side of a dirt road, near a corral full of goats and a bunch of parked wooden wagons. The school bus stops there. The kids all pile off with all their stuff, and the school bus takes off, so they're stuck now. They gather in front of Jonathan, who welcomes them to the middle of nowhere. He says Bonanza City is a few miles down the road, and they'll be there for forty days. But not to worry, they have each other (they're doomed). Jonathan also says that four leaders have been chosen for them, although he doesn't really explain the criteria for their selection.
Right on cue, a big white helicopter swoops in over the horizon and sets down, disgorging Mike (eleven, a Boy Scout from Washington with glasses and a black cowboy hat), Taylor (a ten-year-old "pageant queen" from Georgia who still needs a bit of work on her "world peace" speech), Anjay (twelve, a bowl-cut spelling bee champ and Texan of Indian descent who can only think of three adults -- Washington, Franklin, and Gandhi -- who have done a good job with the world), and Laurel (at twelve, a "respected student leader" from Massachusetts, as if her Boston accent didn't give that away). Jonathan tells the rest of the kids that these four are in charge, and the rank and file clearly have their doubts. But that will have to wait. Jonathan points to the big, old-fashioned wooden wagons filled with supplies, which they'll have to pull the "few" miles to Bonanza City from here. He says they're in for a tough time, but there'll be a Town Hall Meeting in a few days where any of them can decide to quit and go home. "Pioneers! Are you ready!" Mike yells, and Jonathan cuts them loose. The kids rush to the wagons like it's a race, because kids are excitable and, more importantly, gullible. They start loading up and rounding up the goats. One of the human kids lassos a goat kid, which is really kind of impressive. Not as impressive as the reverse would have been, mind you. "In Chicago, nothing like this has ever, ever, happened to me before, ever," says DK, fourteen, as he walks down the dirt road leading a goat on a rope. Yeah, there aren't many dirt roads in Chicago.
Jonathan tells the four Council members to hang back for a minute, because he needs to tell them a couple of things. The first is that once they get to the town, they need to go to the chapel and find an instruction book. The second thing is that every few days, the Council is going to have to give one of the kids a Gold Star. And he whips out what looks like a cheesy brass paperweight the size of his hand, shaped like a star. It's more impressive than it looks, though, because in keeping with Bonanza City's history as a gold mining town, it's "worth its weight in gold -- literally." $20,000, to be exact. Note that he doesn't actually say that the star is solid gold, because it probably isn't. "We have to look at these kids in a whole new way," Laurel interviews, as if she hadn't just met them all five seconds ago. Jonathan tells them to keep it a secret for now, and tells them to join the rest. "See you when I see you," he calls to everyone. So we know that Jonathan believes in the afterlife.
Mike takes his leadership role seriously, in the sense that he stands there yelling, "Puuull!" while everyone else tries to get the heavily laden wagons moving. Once they get going, it looks easier, but they've got a long road ahead of them. The hike isn't uneventful. "I don't think it's too much fun living in the old days," Jimmy interviews, as we see one of the back-loaded wagons go off-balance and tip half of its load in the road. Mike is still not pulling, but that's not stopping him from complaining about how hard this is. In an interview, Sophia (fourteen, from Florida, who will one day grow up to look like Jenna Fischer), compares him to the guys at the airport waving the flashlights. "Like we can't follow the road," she snarks. Greg, fifteen, from Nevada (the oldest and biggest one here, I believe, and the one who roped the goat kid), offers to switch with Mike for five minutes, and Mike snappishly agrees. Wisely, he does not offer to switch hats as well, because Greg's puke-green, knitted earflap cap is something Greg should keep to himself. We see Mike straining to pull a wagon all by himself, but as soon as he gets it moving, Greg either takes pity on him or stops Mike from making him look bad by resuming his place. Further along, DK falls, apparently with a pulled muscle, bringing the whole caravan to a stop. The other kids load him up on one of the wagons. Mike assumes DK's spot on the wagon's yoke, meaning he's finally taken up wagon-moving for the duration. But who will direct them along the straight, level road now?
The kids roll into town, and are clearly not impressed with the condition of the place. Wouldn't you think the Santa Fe County Historical Society would have something to say about letting a show take over this site for over a month? Think of the damage they could do. And that's just the production crew. "This place is dead and we need to bring it back to life," Mike interviews. Alex, nine, from Nevada, says he thought there would be adults. Are kids even running the cameras here? Kids run around, chase chickens, and explore the town's four single-room bunkhouses, which look like somebody worked very hard to make them look like they've been abandoned for 120 years. One kid is even moved to use the word "disarray." The rooms contain foot lockers with thin mattresses rolled up inside. There's some chaos around who's going to sleep where, and Mallory suggests to Mike that they call a meeting to get it all organized. For now, gender segregation appears to be the only priority. Mike wants to put off the meeting until dinner, when everyone will be together anyway. He will live to regret this.
Anjay supervises the unloading of the wagons. They find the mess hall, with an old-style wood-burning stove and a "cookbook" that is actually an old journal with handwritten recipes. Michael, 14, from Washington, interviews that none of them have ever done dinner like this before. And just to underline the point, we see a kid futilely stabbing at the top of a sealed food can with the point of an old-style can opener. You know, speaking as someone who has been camping a few times, the first meal after you arrive is always the hardest. It takes forever to find everything and get it all organized and set up even if you do know what you're doing (which these kids don't), and you're already hungry from the traveling and the unpacking. This is why my first meal on every camping trip now is a Big Mac in the car en route to the lake. It takes a lot of the pressure off. That probably wasn't an option for these kids, though. A bunch of girls get the fire lit in the stove, and start making some mac and cheese in a big pot. Except they put too many noodles in before the water is even boiling, making it completely impossible to stir. It's like Top Chef in reverse. Sophia comes in and takes over, pointing out that a 1:3 water-to-pasta ratio isn't going to work, whereupon she takes the pot off the stove, carries it to the door, and dumps its entire contents out in the street right in front of the building. Half of it retains the shape of the pot, so it had clearly been in there for a while. Some of the kids complain about the waste, but Sophia and Taylor manage to get everyone calmed down and focused on following the cookbook. Mike interviews that Sophia's working her butt off. Meanwhile, a bunch of other kids, including Anjay, Laurel, and Taylor, make the long hike to the pump outside town to fill buckets with fresh water while Sophia keeps the reins on the kitchen.
The sun's getting low in the sky, and then at full dark (which comes quickly in the desert), the mess hall is full of chanting, impatient, hungry kids. Sophia apologizes for the delay, but the pasta's taking longer than she thought. Could be the altitude; I remember camping in the high desert one night and the water was boiling while it was still cool enough to stick your hand in it. Finally the pot gets delivered into the mess hall, and the kids dig into some basic pasta and red sauce. Which, clearly, a lot of the kids are only eating because they're starving. "I'm happy with what we've done," Sophia interviews, because the kids are after all eating food she made instead of eating her.
Outside, Taylor is having a tough time of it. While doing that short-breathed trying-not-to-cry thing, she explains to Laurel how hard it is to miss her bed, and not have a healthy meal, and dude, it's day one. Buck up. Laurel interviews that she thinks it's because Taylor's the youngest of the Council members. Laurel commiserates with her, Taylor interviews that she's going to leave if things don't get better, and Laurel tells Taylor that they'll focus on learning to cook tomorrow and it'll get better. "This is not a fun vacation for anyone," she interviews.
Back at dinner, Mike talks about the meeting that's coming up after dinner, which Jared is already begging off. "Today, I've been the worst day in three years," he says. Which makes me want to hear about what happened to Jared when he was eight. Perhaps that was the day he was cursed to remain the same age forever. Still, Jared's far from the only one who wants to go to sleep now; in fact the mess hall is clearing out fast. "I’m trying to be a leader here," Mike whine-terviews. After almost everyone's gone, Laurel and Taylor come and sit to Mike, who's wiping away tears. "I think I'm just tired and I'm stressed," he tells his fellow Council members. "We weren't prepared for the scale of what we're doing here." Not prepared? Some Boy Scout. Laurel does that commiserating thing again about all eyes being on him, which doesn't seem to help him much at the moment. They all agree that tomorrow will be better, and then wonder where Anjay is. We then see that Anjay is, like almost everyone else in town, already asleep. He's still wearing his glasses. The remaining three Council members have a group hug. Mike interviews that they have to prove they can do it.
The sun rises on Day 2, and Sophia leads her kitchen crew in making pancakes, while other kids bring them stuff like eggs and goat milk from around the town. Good thing one of the girls has eighteen goats at home, and knows how to milk one. That would probably earn her immunity right there, if anyone ever got voted off this show. At the mess hall, the kids all love the pancakes. Or at least, the kids who get pancakes love them. For some reason, Jared is the last to arrive, and is disappointed to see that all the food has been eaten. Sophia scolds people for taking more than one pancake each, and things go downhill from there. People start arguing, yelling at each other in quick cuts, which is finally halted, movie-style, by Mike yelling "Hey!" from the front of the room. Everyone falls silent.
Yes, Mike has decided that now -- when everyone is pissed off, as well as either defensive or hungry (or, as is likely the case for the majority of them, defensive and still hungry) is the time for that meeting he wanted. Well, this should go well. The other Council members join him on the dais at the front of the room, and they try to run the meeting. But everyone's talking at once, which means nobody's getting heard. Michael points this out in an interview. Greg yells at Mike from the back to take control, and eventually gets up and joins them on the dais. Mike's ineffectually yelling at everyone to be quiet, so he's really not in a receptive mood when Greg advises, "You need to take control." "We are!" Mike angrily snaps into Greg's face. Mike interviews that Greg was trying to break him down, which I don't think is correct. Yes, tensions were high, and pretty much everyone could have handled themselves better, but I think Greg was trying to help until Mike blew up at him. There's a pretty tense confrontation, with Greg baring his braces at Mike and Mike not backing down until Greg shoves him back, causing him to stumble off the dais. Everyone's yelling at Mike to back down and listen to Greg, but Mike refuses. So Greg leaves the meeting. "Greg is not very nice," Jimmy interviews. "He thinks he's cool but he's not." Which is about the worst thing an eight-year-old can say about you, short of "butt-head," and Jimmy knows his parents are going to be watching, so he can't work too blue here. The meeting is still out of hand, until Michael steps up and takes control, and makes a big speech about how they all need to come together and listen to their leaders, because they're representing kids everywhere. Mike is wiping away tears again as Michael tells them all to get together. The rest of the kids start applauding and chanting Michael's name, and even he seems a bit overwhelmed by the general approval. Mike at least has the grace to give Michael credit in an interview for saving their lives. We don't see the rest of the meeting, or what gets accomplished, but it seems to involve a lot of kids raising their hands and talking one at a time. It's all moot anyway, because they're about to get some structure imposed on them whether they want it or not.
Afterwards, Mike goes and finds Greg to make sure they're cool. Greg says they are, and interviews that he didn't get upset. "You haven't seen me upset," he threatens us. I also haven't seen Greg without something stupid on his head (a blue bandanna, in this case). Alas, that includes Greg's hair. Mike in turn interviews that he's going to make sure he doesn't lose his cool. I assume he means "again." Dude's already cried twice in the first twenty-four hours.
Now the Council members finally have some time to go to the chapel and check out that book that Jonathan told them about. They sit down and take turns reading from the "Pioneer Journal" that's dated 1885 and probably took the prop department a whole day to construct. It "advises" them to organize their jobs and divide the town into four Districts: Blue, Red, Green, and Yellow. ["I love the idea that pioneers, as they died of starvation in their failed town, wrote down, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, name your teams BY COLOR!" -- Miss Alli] And then they open up a handy box full of bandannas, which are colored accordingly. Laurel takes Green because she's Irish, so that's easy to remember. Mike takes Red, Anjay Blue, and Taylor Yellow. Then they sit down on the steps outside the chapel and use old-style school slates and chalk to make lists of who's going in each of their districts. What, no humiliating public team-picking scene where some poor loser gets chosen last? I can't believe how many opportunities to jack up drama this show is passing up. In general, Anjay picks stronger, older people like Greg and his friend Blaine; Laurel picks leader types like Sophia and Michael; Taylor picks the younger kids because she's ten; and Mike picks the ones he gets along with best, like Jared and DK. Well, that was easy.
So the lists are all made up when the Council gathers the rest of the kids and gives them their colored bandannas. With the groups in place, the bunkhouses all get reorganized, with a district in each one. So much for the gender segregation. Laurel is congratulating herself on how well her whole team will get along, when she realizes she's missing one. Where's Jimmy?
Laurel finds Jimmy sitting and crying by himself on a porch somewhere, his bandanna spread out in a way that covers his entire lap. Because he is wee. Laurel sits down and asks him what's wrong. Jeez, Laurel, what isn't? "I'm only eight!" Jimmy sobs. "I'm in the third grade! I think I'm too young to be doing this." I can't remember when I was in greater agreement with a person on a reality show. Yes, Mallory is also eight, but she's got her mute sister with her, and that counts for a lot. Laurel gives him some encouragement, telling him that he's cool and awesome beyond his years. He still wishes he were older. Think he'll come back for another try one day? Maybe for a Kid Nation: All-Stars in 2013? Yikes, I just gave myself chills. Brr. By that time, M. Small will be old enough to apply, get cast, and be told by his mother and I that he can be on this show when we're in our graves. Laurel reveals to Jimmy that Taylor's having a hard time as well. This is supported with a little clip of Taylor going to visit the animals and tearfully telling the camera that she has to be brave. Back to Laurel, who is being understanding about Jimmy not having his parents there to tuck him in, but she offers to sub for them for a while. Jimmy agrees to that, and interviews, "Laurel's really, really nice. Maybe I'll try to stay." Awww.
Late at night, everyone's asleep except for Greg and Blaine, the two oldest boys, who have gone out in the moonlight to write "GO BLUE" on the doors of all the other bunkhouses. That's mature. Real grown-up. And then I remember they're fifteen.
Even less mature, however, is how pissed off everyone else is when they find it on the morning of Day 3. One of the boys had really bad handwriting, though, so I'd just be like, "What is 'BIVE?'" I'd be going all over town asking people, "Does anyone know what 'BIVE' is? Is that another word for 'gay' or something?" One of the younger kids on the Yellow team takes aside his Blue contemporary, nine-year-old Alex, who drops the dime on Greg and Blaine, not that anyone's going to do anything about it. Although it probably stings for Greg and Blaine now, to see a nine-year-old on national television calling them immature. Mike boasts, "They think that they can do whatever they want. But I'm going to show them." "Showing," in this case, consisting of standing on one of the building's porches and glaring while some old-west guitar strums on the soundtrack. Revenge plots on Deadwood moved faster than this.
Guylan (eleven, Red, from Massachusetts) tells us, "If anyone tells you it's easy living in Bonanza City? Slap 'em across the face because they're a smackdown liar." And here is where we meet the city's forty-first resident, which is its single outhouse. Think about that. Forty kids. One potty. And anyone who thinks kids can't produce has never changed a diaper. "I hope that I don't have to take a poo, because I am not ever using that thing," Jared vows. For thirty-seven more days? His eyes are going to turn brown.
Hey, Jonathan's back in town! He rings the bell outside the chapel, gathering all the kids. He remarks about how tough it is being there, and singles out Jimmy. "Are you missing your parents?" he asks, fairly kindly. Jimmy admits that he is. "I think we probably all miss our parents, right?" Jonathan says. Because apparently landing this gig meant that he got to move into his own place or something. Somewhere behind Jimmy, Greg nicely asks him to be his new wingman. "Who is it?" Jimmy asks without turning around. "Greg," Greg says. "No," Jimmy says, which is awesome. Everyone laughs, including Greg.
Jonathan says it's time to get more organized, and the kids agree, which is the first time in history that has happened. We see that they're facing a big wooden job board that's about ten feet high. It includes storekeeper gigs, including one at "a soda saloon where root beer costs a nickel," as Jonathan says. Or about a dollar in 1885 money, but never mind -- he had them at "soda saloon." He gets ready to explain how they're going to buy stuff. "Don't worry, I know my mom's credit-card number," stage-whispers one kid. Jonathan forces himself to smile indulgently before explaining the job board. It's divided into four levels: "Laborers" get ten cents for doing stuff like hauling water and cleaning latrines; "cooks" get twenty-five cents for, presumably, cooking; "merchants" get fifty cents for running the stores, and the "upper class" gets a dollar. They don't have assigned chores, but they can pitch in wherever. Yeah, these kids might as well learn now that the harder you work in this world, the less you get paid. So how do they decide who does what? Showdown! District vs. District (vs. District vs. District)! Jonathan hands out burlap sacks containing the "uniforms" that they'll all have to wear for the showdown. Because the colored bandannas aren't identifying enough.
So, just to recap: forty kids, who were ostensibly being cut loose to build a society on their own terms, are now about to have adults provide them with an arbitrarily determined social structure, an artificial economy, and fully-stocked stores in addition to the huge loads of provisions they've already been given. So clearly this is not going to be as Lord of the Flies as we've been led to believe. I'm not saying this is a bad thing; just don't promise us Lord of the Flies and then give us Endurance.
The kids all go to their bunkhouses to change into their uniforms, which are simply different colored t-shirts with "BONANZA CITY" and their names printed across the front. Greg is confident that Blue has an advantage, with bigger and older kids like himself. He and Blaine run around the town, chanting "Blue" at everyone and writing "BIVE" all over everything and generally making azure-tinted nuisances of themselves. Greg starts to tag the sign over the Green bunkhouse, until Jimmy chases him away, shrieking in tiny berserker rage. No wingman for you! Mike and Jared come up behind Greg and some other Blues hollering, "Red! Red! Red!" until the bigger kids chase them off. Yes, Mike showed them, all right.
The showdown is a Survivor-type challenge set up in a field outside of town. There are four big color-coded pumps, each a different-colored metal assemblage about twenty feet high. There are also four racks of three large bottles each, also representing each District's color. Jonathan explains the object of the showdown: each team will have to physically move its pump out into the field, connect it to various pipes sticking out of the ground, and pump out water that's dyed the color of their District, which they will then catch in buckets and use to fill their bottles. Jonathan hands out maps of the pipes in the field to the Council members, and explains that each District's caste (he doesn't use that word, but I mean, come on) will be determined by the order in which they fill their bottles. And if all the teams finish in an hour, they get a mystery reward for the whole town. He points over towards a couple of big crates, and the kids all "ooh" obligingly, even though nobody knows what's in them.
And the showdown begins. Blue has an early lead, with Red in second and Green a distant fourth. Jonathan points out that Mike's the only District leader carrying water, while the others just read the maps to the pipes and boss their teams. DK interviews that he was "in awe" of Mike as we see Little Red Leader crawling around under the pumps, hooking up hoses like a demented fireman. Blue blows its lead when they accidentally hook their pump up to a pipe that gives red water, and that gives Red the chance to pass them. After the third Red bottle is filled, they have to bring their pump back across the line, which I don't think anyone mentioned before. Because of the difficulty with moving the huge pump, Blue almost catches up, but Red wins, meaning they're the upper class and Blue is the merchant class. "Whatever," Greg interviews. In separate interviews of their own, Mike and Jared agree that their team had the best leadership.
Now it's down to Green and Yellow for who's going to be stuck cleaning the toilets. Yellow comes in third, and gets to cook. Taylor is psyched that the youngest team didn't come in last. Laurel is still trying to get her Green team finished with five minutes left on the clock. It's close; there are only fourteen seconds left when they get their pump back across the finish line. Still, I like the fact that having kids compete means that even the last-place team got to help earn a reward. It's like Montessori reality TV.
Afterward, all the kids wrap themselves in color-coded towels and gather around Jonathan so we can see that their very faces have been stained the color of their respective districts by the dye in the water, which was thick enough that the colors showed up on camera even in airborne sprays. The Blue and Green teams in particular look like they're in the early stages of some unnatural metamorphosis. Jonathan distributes out coin purses full of Buffalo Nickels -- the biggest one to Mike, a smaller one to Anjay, a lighter one to Taylor, and one to Laurel that almost gets picked up by the breeze when he tosses it to her. And now it's time for the town's reward, which is actually a choice. Inside the first big crate is another outhouse, which represents the first option: seven more outhouses, for a total of eight (meaning one for every five kids, and seven more for the Green District to keep clean). Everyone marvels loudly at the implications: no more long lines at the single toilet that make Bonanza City life reminiscent of Woodstock '89 but with less immature behavior. Then Jonathan opens the shorter, squatter crate, and the kids gasp in awe. What's in there? We'll find out after the commercial. I bet it's a TV.
Yes, this is the first commercial, thirty-eight minutes in. How hard was it to land sponsors for this thing? And even now there are only five spots, and one of them is for Survivor. It's like the length of the commercial breaks when I was these kids' age.
But the editors still think we need reminding of what just happened, when we come back a scant minute and a half later. And then we learn that option number two is -- you guessed it -- a TV. It's a big old console-style number that I didn't even think they made any more. Which I suppose is what the pioneers watched The Real World on, after all. Jonathan says the decision is up to the council, and they head off to confer, without even asking if they can take a vote. Jonathan stays behind to asks the kids what they think the choice will be, and a few of the kids make the case for TV -- as an incentive, a severe weather warning system, whatever. The majority, however, is of the opinion that crap trumps television. There are just too many possible levels of meta commentary here for me to even know where to begin.
Meanwhile, the only member of the Council leaning TV-ward is Mike, who says, "People are desperate for something to do." But then they come back, and announce that they chose the outhouses, and everyone cheers. Well, most of them do. I do hope TV gets offered as an option in a future challenge, and they take it, and then they find out they don't have any reception or a place to plug it in. And then they'll have nine toilets.
First thing in the morning on Day 4, the Council gets a ladder and wooden plaques with everyone's names on them, and sticks them on slots in the giant job board to the church. You know, just like in the Old West. The first District we see at work is, naturally, Yellow, because they're responsible for breakfast. Eight- nine-, and ten-year-olds get busy in the kitchen, with what seems to be a very experimental spirit. Sophia stands outside with her Green bandanna on her head, horrified that they don't seem to be following any recipes. "I feel like sometimes I'm just surrounded by a whole lot of dumb people." That's Sophia's first lesson about being in a workforce. Savor it, young lady.
Then the show tries to build up some tension over whether the Yellow team's first breakfast is going to be edible -- and it is! Even Sophia admits that she underestimated them. "Now I'm not really the special chef any more," she says. Everyone in the mess hall raucously applauds the Yellow team and its giant breakfast. But Sophia isn't done talking, because the Yellow team seems to prefer resting on its laurels to doing the dishes. She goes in and tries to get them moving on that, going so far as to throw the remnants from one plate out into the street. She's not going to be happy until she's attracted every coyote in ten square miles, is she? Perhaps that's secretly her goal. Meanwhile, Greg has also taken up the cause of encouraging the Yellow team to do dishes as they sit outside the mess hall. "I'm a beauty queen. I don't do dishes," Taylor claims. Oh, no she didn't. Man, I really hope that shit doesn't fly for her at home.
The team we see getting started is the merchant class, and the first store they open is the candy store. You ever her the expression "like kids in a candy store?" Here's a concrete example. In an interview, Mallory goes "Yay!" and does the worst, stiffest, yet somehow cutest, seated cabbage patch I've ever seen. is the dry goods store, "dry goods" in this case apparently consisting largely of games and toys. Just like in the Old West. Then they head into the saloon, which is quite well-preserved, to the point of being theme-park pristine. Unlabeled bottles of soda sit on the bar, and Anjay says how nice it'll be that kids can get themselves drinks without bothering the kitchen.
As for the Red District, their main project for the day appears to be getting paid. "Today will be a very good day," Jared drones weirdly. "A very, very good day." Mike doles out nickels to his group. The doors of the stores are flung open, and Jared's first purchase is the most expensive item at the candy store, a slab of dark chocolate the size of his ribcage. "You're like, spending our entire salary," the girl at the cash register tells him. Jared hits the bookstore and buys himself a tattered, period-accurate copy of Henry V without Kenneth Branagh on the cover. Wait, you're not going to tell me that these poor kids were totally cut off from civilization at the time the seventh Harry Potter book came out, are you? That's inhumane.
We catch up with the Green district, on their way to do their shopping. As they walk, Sophia again crystallizes one of the chief injustices of working life: "I'm a laborer now. This morning I got up at six, I scrubbed toilets, I did laundry, and I hauled a big barrel of water and I just got ten cents and I can't afford a game of jacks." Let alone the bicycle she's got her eye on, which is priced at three dollars. Undeterred, she goes out into the middle of the street, puts down a jar, and starts dancing for nickels. Which would be sad enough if Sophia could dance, but she can't. We also see her giving "Dancing for Dummies" lessons to little kids like Mallory. The hell of it is, it's working. Except that kids seem to be paying her not to dance any more. Whatever, the nickels still spend the same. Sure enough, Sophia ends up riding off on her new bike as everyone cheers. They seem pretty confident that she's coming back, which I'm less sure about.
That night, Mike and Anjay talk about who they're going to give the Gold Star to. They're leaning toward Sophia, but then they go get Laurel, who's still impressed with Michael. As for Taylor's input, they're just hoping she doesn't decide to leave tomorrow. Taylor obligingly gives a little interview that tells us that's very much up in the air.
More commercials, including one for a new kids' movie, one for yeast infections, a repeat of an earlier Sears spot, and several more promos for CBS shows. Hey, at least CBS didn't pull its own ads, right?
When we come back, it's presumably the morning of Day 5 and Jimmy's going jackrabbit-hunting with rocks with a couple of other younger kids, Cody (nine, Yellow, from Ohio) and Campbell (I don't know). Michael voices a hope that a successful hunt will motivate Jimmy to stay. We don't find out, but at least the other two kids encourage him to stick around and see how it turns out. "You're already going jackrabbit-hunting with ten-year-olds," Cody reminds him. It sounds so cool coming from a nine-year-old. And then a few girls come over the hill giggling, and the boys scamper off in the opposite direction like Dennis the Menace times three.
Jonathan rings a bell summoning all of the kids to the barn that's serving as their Town Hall. The kids all sit on benches, while the Council members take up color-coded (of course) seats behind a table at the head of the room. Mallory interviews that she hopes everyone will be nice to each other. "No yelling and/or cursing," she specifies. Once everyone's settled in, Jonathan -- trying to be an informal presence by standing to one side at the front of the room -- explains that the Town Hall meetings are for everyone to talk about what's on their minds. First, Jonathan asks for a show of hands to see who's happy with the job the Council is doing. A clear majority raises their hands. Jonathan asks the opposite question, and Sophia raises her hand in the front row. She stands up to complain about the dishes not getting done. At the Council's table, Taylor whispers something catty about Sophia to Mike, because Taylor is ten. Several of the kids on the Yellow team speak up in their own defense, and Taylor says they're doing their best. Mike gives an insightful interview about his reaction to Sophia's thoughts: "Shut! Up!" Sophia may have a point, but the kitchen isn't really her problem any more. Just let the Yellow team slack on the dishes and have nothing to serve the meal on, and the whole camp will know whom to blame.
Michael stands up and makes another speech, suggesting the Council members get to know everyone better so they can lead more effectively. Despite a bit of sophomore slump, his speech gets applause, because everyone loves Michael. Laurel promises to try and do better, and gets even more applause.
Time to move on. Jonathan asks if anyone wants to go home. He turns to Taylor first, and Taylor announces that she's decided to stay. "This is my family; this is where I need to be for the rest of the thirty-six days," she says. Except this family won't be entering her in beauty pageants all the time. Everyone claps and cheers, and Greg in the back row even gives her a standing ovation. It's tough to make up my mind about that kid. Jonathan asks if anyone else wants to go home. After a short pause, Jimmy's hand shoots up. Jonathan asks him why, and Jimmy says he's homesick and too young for this. "I think he's more mature than a lot of other kids," someone says. There's a murmur from the kids who are more mature than Jimmy. Needless to say, it's a soft murmur. Jonathan asks Jimmy if he's sure. Other kids encourage him to stay, but Jimmy's made up his mind. He interviews, "I thought it would be like a big fun adventure and I would last the whole time, but I miss my family a lot." Up front, Jonathan tells Jimmy that he's brave, and gets everyone to say how much they'll miss Jimmy. Jimmy leaves the barn, with everyone calling goodbye to him on his way out. I hope he actually does get to go home now instead of having to be sequestered somewhere like on other reality shows. On the plus side, now we only have thirty-nine kids to keep track of. How hard could that be?
The last item on the agenda is, of course, the Gold Star. Jonathan holds it up for everyone's admiration, and doesn't tell them anything about it, other than that it's a trophy for the kid who's done the best job so far. Jonathan gives the Council a few seconds to confer, and after a moment, Laurel stands up and presents it to...Sophia. I thought she might have blown it with her complaining earlier, but I guess the Council members are more mature than I gave them credit for. Either that or they were told that Sophia was going to get a good edit this week and they didn't want to look like idiots. Jonathan calls Sophia up to the front of the room to make her speech, and she thanks the Council and promises to try to be less bossy. Everyone cheers. And then Jonathan tells Sophia that the trophy represents twenty thousand dollars that's all hers. Sophia's jaw hits the dirt floor, and all the other kids are amazed as well, as anyone would be. She interviews that this is the most exciting thing that's ever happened to her in her life. Okay...thinking back to age fourteen...yes, that sounds about right. Jonathan asks Sophia what she thinks her parents will say, and it turns out not to be just an idle question, because now she gets to go call them. Jonathan hands her a key to the one building in Bonanza City that has a phone, and she rushes out of a room full of her peers, like "smell you later, losers," so she can go call her parents. Which is the first time that has ever happened in the history of teenagers. When she's gone, Jonathan tells the remaining kids that any one of them can win a Gold Star, and it's going to be worth twenty grand each time. He dismisses the kids, grandiosely reminding them, "You're building a world!" They're totally building it from a kit, but whatever.
Sophia runs down the street alone with the Gold Star in one hand and the key in the other. She lets herself into another barn that's empty except for a Mayberry-style phone mounted on a post. Will she be confused by its lack of a keypad or even a dial? And does she know that you have to activate this type of phone by calling it "Thelma" and telling it who you want to talk to? Before we can find out, it rings straight through to her mom, who sounds surprised to hear from her, and quite worried when Sophia starts choking up. "I just won twenty thousand dollars!" Sophia announces. And then we're suddenly in her mom's house, where the table is set for dinner. Dude, how did they get a camera crew in there so quickly? Or are there forty (now, thirty-nine) camera crews in these kids' homes all over the country during every Town Hall meeting, just in case? Maybe we're not supposed to ask that question. Sophia opens with the news of the twenty thousand. She continues telling her mom what's been going on. "I've been the head chef, I'm taking care of all the meals," she exaggerates. I'd give her a harder time for this, but you don't want to call during your first trip away from home and tell your parents, "I'm cleaning shitters!" MamaSophia interviews that there's no better feeling in the world than hearing your kid that happy. Afterward, Sophia and her Gold Star tour the town, accepting everyone's apparently sincere congratulations. Greg interviews that everyone's proud of Sophia, and will be motivated to work harder now that they see there's a prize involved beyond mere survival. He includes himself in that group. "I'm gonna get one," he vows.
In some final interviews, the Council members take turns telling us how well everything is going now. We see kids of different colored Districts hanging around together, and Laurel gushes, "We can build our own system of government [which they've already been given]. We can make our own shops [which were already constructed and fully stocked]. We can make this a Kid Nation." And then we see everyone in the Saloon, drinking to Bonanza City. I must say, Greg certainly downs his shot of sarsaparilla or whatever with a very practiced-looking motion.