Upside: Paul didn't die. Nobody knows who shot him, but his creepy wife assumes that her creepy mom Felicia Tillman did the deed from inside the clink. We're led briefly to believe that her gunman was Mike Delfino, who is back in town, but it wasn't. In the course of the investigation Paul learns who Beth's mom is, so presumably now the tables will turn and he will do awful things to his wife, and it will be fabulous.
How's Susan? Oh, girlfriend got her kidney kicked out of her during the riot. Unlike her brain, it's an organ she actually uses, so they've got her on dialysis because her remaining kidney is deformed and not working so great. Susan's never been so close to death! She refuses to do dialysis until dropping to the floor in a magnificent seizure in front of MJ, and now needs a kidney. Whoever gives her one is assured of two things: I will hate them forever, and she will somehow find a way to make them feel bad about it.
Orson shows up at Bree's house, where Keith is moving all his stuff in and Bree is cutely/crazily destroying things that she doesn't like. He says his new lady threw him out, but the truth is that he's there because he's still in love with Bree. Then the two boys have a food fight and it is totally stupid, and even though Bree realizes Orson is being creepy, she decides to let him live with them, anyway. Keith ends up being okay with this because she throws him in a pile of manure and makes out with him to prove that she is not uptight anymore and that slumming is what she's all about nowadays, and it's cute.
After getting some Susan bullshit on her, Renee decides to come clean to Lynette about fucking Tom 20 years ago. Felicity Huffman rocks the acting in that part, but then the only real upshot is that now she's doing all these creepy Gaslight tortures to her husband in recompense like offering him boiling hot chocolate or salting his coffee. Which is so, so pathetic and so, so very Scavo.
But even with all this mess, WTF of the Week still goes to Gabrielle, who deals with her Grace-related grief in only the most sensible way: By buying a doll that looks like Grace and pretending it's her baby. Now, I realize this is something I would say and you might believe it and then later realize I was only exaggerating in my whimsical way, but I assure you that in this case I am employing the highest journalistic integrity. This actually happened. And Juanita thought it was as bad as it could get!
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Wisteria still looks like hell after that desultory riot that occurred at the apex of Paul Young's bizarre plan. To review: He bought several houses -- and a mail-order bride ino the bargain -- to get just-under a majority of HOA votes, which tore the neighborhood apart, and then led in turn to his storied establishment of a halfway house for discharged criminals on the Lane. Somehow, there was a riot, and he was shot, but we still have no idea how any of this happened or why: His plan will never make sense. Fetch will never happen. Stop asking, stop thinking, stop worrying about it, Jacob.
And if the plan was the riot and/or proving the moral lack of fiber in the people of Wisteria Lane, it still doesn't make sense: The riot happened because Lynette and Bree are assholes, because neighboring Hydrangea Circle is a militia of gay pinkertons, because those who do not remember Altamont are doomed to repeat it. Paul had little to do with any of this, as it turned out. Still: Shot.
But not dead! Thank goodness. He's the one good thing about this show, until Renee finally does something cool. Or Gabby finally just loses her shit and gives sway to her inner Lohan. Or Tom is murdered. Or Susan finally manages to burn down all of Fairview, or sell MJ for magic beans.
Some very replaceable Rosenkrantzy detective go around asking everybody who shot Paul, and because Wisteria Lane is 100% jerks, they all say they didn't shoot him but they're glad he was shot. Lee, Lynette and Bree ("Detectives, I'm an expert marksman. If I'd been aiming for Paul Young he'd be dead") all say horrible things, but Beth slips through and heads straight to jail to yell at her mom for shooting Paul somehow.
(N.B. As I write, down the street there is, in fact, a riot. What apparently began as a disagreement between three interlocuters, two male one female, has erupted into possibly gunplay. It echoes off the gentrification quite loudly, and seems to be coming from the intersection of 12th Street and Chicon -- long known as a base for the hardiest of our town's extralegal entrepreneurs, come rain or shine -- but I shan't do anything about it, least of all contacting the burly bears of my own acquaintance to keep the peace. For, unlike the ladies of Wisteria Lane, I have learnt my lesson.)
Felicia can't keep the glee off her face when she hears the news, but swears to her daughter she had nothing to do with it. They've done a good job of setting up Beth to be totally into Paul, like who wouldn't be, so that when he finds out about her mom she'll go from being creepy and untrustworthy to being creepy and somewhat sympathetic. Anyway, we don't trust Felicia when she says this, Beth doesn't trust her for sure, and the second Beth leaves she hits up her hack with a request for a "clean cell phone" so she can call the likely assassin and congratulate him on a job well done -- although, as she admits to both the man and her daughter, it would have made more sense to have him killed after proving that he killed Martha Huber, considering she's spent seven seasons trying to do just that. As if somebody's bizarrely epic plan on this show would ever turn out to have giant plot holes.
Renee appears in the hospital to offer Susan her kidney in exchange for not ruining Lynette's marriage, business and entire life, and Susan's like, "Relax. Now that I'm in the hospital and everybody's doting on me, I have the situation I've always craved. No amount of meddling in your affairs could possibly compare with the glorious feeling of victimhood in which I'm currently basking. The last thing I want is a damned kidney or for my problems to go away! They're all I have."
Somehow Renee gets the impression from Susan's bullshit that her relationship with Lynette is not "real" as long as the secret hangs over it. Which is true. I don't approve of talking to Susan, but I do approve of this revelation and I'm proud that the show went there. So she heads over to Lynette's house to tell her, gets stuck in the yard by indecision and self-loathing, and then of course Tom shows up to beg her not to say anything, because why should Lynette feel bad when it's so much easier for Tom if Renee feels bad, and he thinks this is a solution to the problem. Renee is not so sure.
Bree brings a couple of cold root beers out while Keith does his never-ending yard work, and he whines that she is a teetotaler and he can't drink beer anymore. But that's not all! She's also destroying all of his belongings as he moves them into the house. The dialogue is cute but the sentiment is totally gross: "On a sad note, your beanbag chair accidentally ripped when I stuck a knife in it and stuffed it in the trash." Ditto other things -- lava lamp, cheap aftershave -- that a man of 37 years might be expected to have, in the parallel universe of this show. Then Orson randomly shows up while Keith -- covered in actual shit, steer manure from the yard -- tries to kiss her. Because what we haven't done yet is see an older man fight a younger man for Bree's affection. Oh, well, except for last week.
Orson spins some tale -- "One minute Judy and I were enjoying a nice Pinot Noir, and the , she was wheeling me to the cab" -- and it's too boring and nobody cares, least of all Keith. He starts in on the Boy Wonder soon enough, and it's totally obnoxious, and the end result is that now Orson is staying with them, despite being a pretty obvious "third and fourth wheel," and touching Bree all over and asking various May/December questions ("I'm just curious, which Lil Wayne song is your favorite? 'Fo' Sheezy' or 'Ask Them Hoes'?"), and you can see exactly where the episode is headed already.
Because Keith is so bland and Bree is such a cartoon that the only way they can milk this relationship for anything is by introducing the same third party over and over and over. At least last time it was John Schneider. But this time it has the upshot of being all about how Bree is somehow a "changed woman" because of something having to do with Keith. Don't know what it is -- and to be fair, Bree even admits it's hard to explain -- but apparently the youthful love of a doughy near-forty-year-old is changing everything.
"God, I never thought we'd have a kid in therapy. Well, I did. I just thought it'd be Celia." That's where Gabby's at. Where her husband is at is the usual place for Carlos this season: Angry and controlling and boring. He yells at her for a while about how Gabby's a terrible mother, Juanita's world is collapsing around her, and Gabby doesn't get it. I mean, she doesn't. She grumbles that she bought Juanita a doll and that should have fixed the problem, and then the shrink ushers them in for the ultimatum:
"Juanita understands now that her birth parents are Hector and Carmen, but she feels nothing for them. And because of that, she doesn't understand why you feel so much for Grace." Solution: "Remove Grace from your life... Juanita says there are photos of her, her artwork is on your refrigerator... Once Juanita feels she is again the most important thing in your life, she will start to heal." Gabrielle is skeptical. Honestly, so am I. The only thing that is going to fix Juanita is a good couple years off from dealing with these people. It Gets Better, Juanita: Get your chubby ass to college and don't talk to them again until they've earned it.
Paul's not surprised to hear that everybody has motive, but it's a crinkle in the case that they all have alibis as well. The cops try to talk to Beth, and he jumps in with a very sweet speech about how she's "the one person in that whole corrupt, backstabbing street that [he] can trust," but she still shows her hand a little when they ask if she knows anything about who would do it. Since right now is hardly the time to go into how she's a double-agent who only married him as part of a wicked Felicia plan, she just kinda glitches out for a sec before telling them she doesn't know anything. This functions as a neon arrow pointing right at her head, and the cops go directly to find out more about little Mrs. Young.
Because, as noted, this is all he ever does now, Carlos thunders and bitches at Gabby after he finds some pictures of Grace in her bedroom, and then erases them off her phone, and then chains her to the bedpost so she can never make another decision in her life, and sometimes dresses her up in little outfits when he's feeling lonely.
Mike shows up at the hospital -- after a busy day of arriving in town, hitting local diners and talking to inmates -- to see how his awful wife is doing. Well Mike, she is awful. She immediately informs him dialysis is for suckers and she's way more interested in herbal therapies. After all, she is a nanny now and needs to also raise MJ, and she can't very well do that if she's in dialysis for twenty-odd hours a week. He resists, but eventually gives in to her usual agenda: In this case, her perspective on renal function as an unfair standard for her to have to meet. Susan is too special to need kidneys, Mike! Fuck dialysis, she'll get by on pluck! And if you don't support this suicidal course of action, you're a bad husband for being unsupportive!
Lynette and Renee meet with a hotelieuse about their ideas for her chain -- "Craftsman, but with Japanese accents," so I guess it's one of those hotels that also sells discount accent furniture -- and they keep finishing each other's sentences and being just so adorable that finally the lady has to comment on it. You know, how they're the best of friends and they've been together for 26 years and just started this business in an industry with which neither of them have any experience, and how they would never sleep with each other's husbands, this kind of thing. Renee starts to lose it, but goes completely over the edge when Lynette finds her a plate of oatmeal-raisin cookies, her favorite, and just like with Proust, the cookies unleash a torrent of memory and regret.
Lynette hauls the woman out of there after closing the deal and comes back to see what the fuck is wrong with Renee. The reason that she's crying, she moans, is that she did "something terrible" twenty years ago; Lynette's response is awesome: "God, who cares? Ten minutes ago, you did something amazing!" I love that approach. Lynette always has the right idea for about five seconds and then it goes wrong. Renee explains about how Tom and Lynette were on a break and she slept with him, and Lynette's face goes colder and stiller and lovelier than it's been in a long time. She flutters her hands in a particularly recognizable way and storms out, but then comes back because Renee's her ride.
In some ways, you lose the exit -- which was beautiful -- but on the other hand, it transitions well into the actuality of what's going to happen between the two women, which is that Lynette is going to be pissed for awhile and then calm down, because it was a long time ago and Tom has done many, many more disappointing things since then. So there's the obligatory scene in the car where Lynette tells her to stop talking a few times and then says the truest thing anybody's said on this show in a long time: "I do foresee a day far in the future when I might only hate you a little. You know what the worst part is? For the last twenty years, you two have been walking around knowing this, and I didn't." That is absolutely the worst part about a secret like this, is the fact that you were carrying on one way and things were actually another way, and you feel like a jerk. Anyway, she tells Renee not to tell Tom, and her only reason for asking this favor is a hearty Because I Said So, Asshole.
Some lady introduces herself to Gabby at Juanita's birthday party but once she finds out the lady is the mother of a friend of Juanita, she loses interest. After meeting Celia, she asks if they have more kids and of course Gabby stares into space morosely and says no, because Carlos told her never to say Grace's name again. And behind her is a bouquet of balloons, as though the show is taunting us with the fact that this storyline already happened and Machete came and made her let that balloon float up into the sky like a flying miscarried fetus.
Lynette stares into space also, making a witches' brew to welcome Tom home from what he calls "the worst day ever." She's totally passive-aggressive and scary and stone-faced and horrible throughout the entire scene -- which honestly, imagine listening to Tom Scavo whining at you every single night for the twenty-sixth year in a row -- and then, after a little bit of the creepy old standby "Don't you think Renee is an amazing woman?", hands him some hot chocolate that burns the shit out of his tongue. Too bad you're such a grownup, Lynette. I can see the challenges this relationship must present.
Speaking of adults -- and this was one of the best episodes in a while up to this point; I started thinking maybe this show isn't as stupid and insulting as I thought it was last fall, maybe I was just in a bad mood -- Orson and Keith get into a big fight about how Keith isn't dressed for Special Orson Dinner and how Orson likes coq au vin vs. Kieths' beloved sloppy joes, okay, and finally they throw food at each other, and it's just embarrassing for all of us. Bree flees to Judy's house to see about stowing Orson and his wheelchair there, but Judy drops the bomb that he was the one who left her, because of course he's still in love with Bree. I remember when that idea -- that anyone could be in love with Bree -- didn't seem so laughable and ghoulish.
Let's take a break from that bullshit and check in with Gabby. How you doing, Gabs? Oh, back at the doll store again, "adopting" another little princess for your daughter? Getting back to normal? Nope, no I see now, by the doll in your arms, and the creepy fucking smile on your face, and the way that you are licking the doll's porcelain face, and the fact that the face looks exactly like Grace's face, and the spooooky way you tell the doll lady that the doll is for you, by these signs and others I deduce that "normal" is not where we are headed.
Bree stops in the kitchen to tell Keith to stop apologizing about the food fight, because in fact he was right, and Orson is in love with her, and then she goes to talk to Orson about how she still loves him but that he needs to stop treating her relationship with Keith like a joke, because it is very real. Of course, Keith takes this opportunity to pack up his shit and break up with her, just like he does every single week, because he is an immature drama queen, so she chases him out onto the lawn and into the literal bull shit and then makes out with him in it. Because apparently The New Bree is somebody that rolls around in bullshit. They laugh like crazy people, rolling in excrement, and hopefully Orson is so horrified by the two of them that he'll just give up forever.
Susan bitches at Mike for talking to doctors and assuming that "kidney specialists" know more about renal medicine than she does, and he runs away. The nurses ask her to stay in bed, but don't you know she's gotta walk MJ down to the cafeteria to get some ice cream, because that's the priority right now and by proving that she can go to get him ice cream she will stop him from being afraid of her impending death. Of course, about six yards down the hallway she collapses in a terrifying grand mal seizure, but luckily MJ doesn't really care, because he's busy telling her everything that ever happened in his entire life that involved ice cream. Like mother, like son.
(Where's Julie? If she's smart, she'll have put her own kidneys in witness protection, because you know Susan's first thought was that Julie probably has a spare. I miss the kid, she was the only non-Scavo child on this show I ever liked, besides Andrew, but you know what they say: The greatest trick Julie ever pulled was convincing Susan she didn't exist.)
Wisteria finally shows up at Susan's bedside to see what she looks like when she isn't healthy -- "God, you've lost so much weight! And some terrible things have happened to your once-beautiful face!" -- and of course she tries to bum them out as much as possible by saying all she cares about is making sure that MJ is taken care of when she's gone. As if MJ wouldn't be in better hands at Paul Young's house.
The ladies all tell her she's going to be fine -- clearly she's got luck on her side -- and Mike heads over to jail to talk to Felicia about how he wasn't the one that shot Paul. But then who was it? Nobody knows. Paul doesn't know -- but once the cops show up and drop the shoe on how Beth is Tillman's spawn, he thinks he does. Which is oh so sad, because now he's going to turn on his only ally, but hopefully it will be totally scary and suspenseful.
Paul tells the cops not to bring up Felicia with Beth, and that he and Felicia have -- "with love and prayer" -- resolved their shit. So now he's going to end up killing both her sister and her daughter, and season we'll learn that Martha and Felicia have another sister or something, and eventually he'll be forced to kill every single one of them. Either that, or it will turn out that Keith is Beth's brother and we can wrap this shit up all at once.
week: More lame Tom abuse, Susan's awful mother, and somebody shows up again from out of the past. I miss Zana. I can't see him ever shooting Paul, I actually think that would suck, but I just want to put it out there that I would like to see what he's been up to. As for who shot him? I really don't know. Mike would have been good. I forget half of these people exist until they show up onscreen as it is, so it's possible I wouldn't even recognize the culprit. Mostly I'm just excited to see the Youngs go all War Of The Roses -- I mean, that clearly has to happen, right? A little Ruthless People up in this bitch and I'll stop complaining about the "campy" thing forever.
Watch the episode below, discuss it in our forums, then see last season's most outlandish moments.
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