Thanks to whomever came up with the title of this episode, which has had that song from Sunday in the Park with George going through my head all night. Which officially makes me as gay as Bob and Lee.
Speaking of whom, one day they have a big old brushed stainless steel sculpture delivered to their front yard, and most of the neighbors hate it. Gabby, Katherine, Bree, Mrs. McCluskey, and Susan all convene across the street to glare at it disapprovingly. Well, most of them do; Susan makes the rather weak defense that art is subjective, because she's still not over the new neighbors hating her from last week. Oh, you want my opinion of the thing? Well, I'm no art critic, but to me, it looks like a Frank Gehry building shat out a vertical turd. Katherine wonders what the homeowners' association might have to say about this, and is reminded that since the association's last president -- woman, name of Mary Alice Young, maybe you've heard of her -- died, there hasn't been one. When Bob and Lee come out to say hello -- and to inform the ladies that the sculpture is staying where it is ("Have a nice day, philistines," chirps Lee), Katherine decides that it's time for the homeowners' association to get back together so they can smack down the eyesore. Swell idea.
Susan's not so on board with this, until around six the morning, when Bob and Lee turn on the water. Yes, the sculpture is in fact a fountain, and all the water clanging against the stainless steel makes quite the racket, waking her and Mike. Outside, Susan loudly asks them to turn it off so they don't have to holler over the noise, and when they do, she asks if they can move it to the back. They turn her down, and turn the fountain back on. Hey, Susan, why not try dognapping Rafael again?
Lynette comes and finds the kids in the treehouse. For a moment, it looks like there's going to be some good bonding, but Lynette makes the mistake of taking a cell-phone call from her doctor. Even though it's good news, doctor-talk has been banned from this space, and she is thus regretfully but firmly banished.
Bree finishes swearing down the phone line at the convent's Reverend Mother, having just found out that Phyllis has come and sprung Danielle, as we saw last week. Bree gets right back on the phone and berates Phyllis's answering machine. While screening the call at her house, Phyllis assures Danielle that they're "ready for" Bree, whatever that means, and goes back to helping her kill zombies on the TV. I'm assuming they got the game system separately, because it seems unlikely that it was previously in Danielle's room at the convent or in Phyllis's retirement cottage.
Carlos is just about to head off for a "golf" weekend with the "guys." Edie's "pouting" because she can't go. In case the scare quotes aren't making my meaning clear, translate "golf" to "sex," "guys" to "Gabby", and "pouting" to "not believing for a minute that Carlos is going to be the only one with his hands on his nine-iron." She presents him with a set of monogrammed golf balls -- with her initials. "I want everyone to know who your balls belong to," she says. Just what every man wants to hear. ["Wow. Subtly written dialogue. I'm not sure I get what they're getting at." -- Miss Alli]
Hey, it looks like Gabby is "going" on that "golf" weekend -- oh screw it, you already know. As Carlos drives past her house, they firm up (dirty!) their plans via cell phone. But from her front porch, Gabby notices that there's a guy in a parked "cable" van sitting across the street. Realizing that while Victor may be out of town on a business trip, he appears to have hired someone to tail her, Gabby decides to put her gardening crew of about ten fifth-graders to an unorthodox use. She calls them all in, and a few minutes later, they all come rushing out again, mounting their bikes. The guy in the van doesn't seem to notice that the number of kids is one greater than the number of bikes, and that one of the kids -- the one balancing on another kid's handlebars -- is a wee bit taller than the rest. Just a wee bit, mind you. Yes, it's Gabby, in a striped shirt and baseball cap. "As soon as we get around the corner we're going to have to adjust this horn," she calls back to her two-wheeled chauffeur, who somehow manages to refrain from giving it a salacious honk just to see what happens. You got that "cable" means "surveillance," right?
Gabby looks to have brought a change of clothes with her. She's about to meet Carlos in the lobby of the hotel they've set up as the place of their assignation, when suddenly, who should pop up but Ex-Gardener John, with a very pregnant Tammy on his arm. Carlos ducks behind a fern. After assuring Gabby that while her dad owns the place, she's not one of those "skanky" hotel heiresses (all evidence to the contrary), Tammy asks how John and Gabrielle know one another. Upon hearing "gardener," she makes with the annoying "married up" comment, prompting John to become irritated, which he quickly swallows because after all, how hard can it be for a young married couple to pretend they don't hate each other in public for ten seconds? John heard about Gabrielle marrying the mayor, who of course is a good friend of Tammy's dad. Who still owns the place, by the way. It's just not a Gabby affair unless she has thirty possible ways to get caught, you know. Gabby claims she's there for a spa weekend, and finally shakes them off. When she catches up with Carlos, she realizes that he didn't recognize Tammy and John. So Gabrielle isn't about to tell him the truth about who they were. After all, why does the more cautious of the two of them need to know they're only two degrees of separation from getting shot in the genitals?
Bree and Orson show up at Phyllis's, announcing that Danielle's going back to the convent. Danielle in turn announces that she isn't going anywhere -- she's going to deliver the baby and raise it there. Which, since she's turning eighteen this weekend, she says Bree can't stop her from doing. Phyllis backs up Danielle, citing the medical staff there. Orson scoffs, "It's a retirement village. The only thing they know how to deliver is bad news." Danielle argues with Bree in Phyllis-ese, claiming that Bree emasculated Rex, and will not emasculate Danielle. "You petulant sock-puppet!" Bree snaps. I'm really starting to enjoy her precise little putdowns.
Bob and Lee are apparently trying to drum up support for their fountain. So they turn to Lynette, predicting that once Katherine and the homeowner's association are done with the fountain, the Scavos' treehouse will be . Lee plays the old "when they came for [blank], I said nothing" card. Is Lynette sold?
Let's find out, here at the homeowners' association meeting. After getting Ida straightened out (if you'll pardon the expression) on whether this is about fountains or gays, Katherine gives the world's shortest campaign speech, promising to eighty-six the fountain when she's president of the association. Lynette asks if that's all Katherine has in her sights, and if her treehouse will be left alone. Katherine very pleasantly says that if Lynette's treehouse turns out to be against the rules, well, rules is rules. So could they just go ahead and ratify Katherine's unopposed candidacy, please? Not so much, because Lynette just decided to oppose her.
Back in the Scavo kitchen, Tom argues that Lynette probably isn't up for this right now. He offers to run in her place, but she says he'll lose. "Bossy women rule this street," she says. Tom protests quietly, but quickly backs off when Lynette waves around the giant knife she's using to cut mushrooms or something. Lynette claims her campaign is about personal freedom, but Tom thinks she just wants to fight with Katherine, instead of fighting her cancer like she really should. "A tumor is a tumor, whether it's in your body or living across the street," Lynette says, punctuating the thought by bisecting a red pepper. Which is really not all that tumor-shaped, to be fair.
Gabby and Carlos are just about to get busy in their hotel room when there's a knock on the door. Guess who? It's John. Brilliant. Gabby comes clean to Carlos about the earlier encounter, and after she throws a robe on over her slinky PJs, she tries to get Carlos to hide in the closet. Carlos refuses, until Gabby tells him about John's connection to Victor. "You know, the guy who hired someone to tail us and possibly kill us?" And that's Carlos in the closet, right there. Gabby answers the door, and John brightly says that he wasn't ready to start up their affair last fall. But now he is. And with that, he lets himself in and starts kissing her. Watching through the louvered closet doors that are de rigueur on TV, Carlos's eyebrows shoot up almost high enough to rattle the hangers.
At night, Lynette comes up to Susan to ask for her support in the election. And Susan shoots her down, because she needs the fountain out of there so she and Mike can sleep, and maybe Mike can have more than one scene week, including possibly one in which he's vertical. "Tired people aren't witty," she pleads. What's her excuse the rest of the time?
Meanwhile, Gabby is trying to get rid of John, but he doesn't want to go. He talks about how horrible his wife is, and tries to relate it to the horrible things Gabby used to say about Carlos. "I think you're paraphrasing," Gabby says. John reminisces about old days. Like the time they were having sex in the shower, and then Carlos came home and pulled Gabby down on the bed, and Gabby faked an orgasm to keep Carlos from finding out. In the closet, Carlos wears an expression of shock and horror. Gabby finally hustles John out of there, and Carlos comes out of the closet, glaring at Gabby. "Boy, that was a close one, huh?" Gabby flusters. Heh.
Back from the ads, Carlos yells at Gabby for stuff that happened two years ago. She claims it's old news, but he's having trouble getting past it, having just heard about it now and all. I'd say if that's the only time Gabby ever faked an orgasm with Carlos, he should count himself lucky. Gabby tells him to move on, and when he says he should have snapped John's neck two years ago, Gabby points out that Carlos is doing the same thing to Victor that John once did to Carlos. "Who's John Rowland now?" Gabby taunts. Carlos's only answer to that is to storm out.
Katherine and Lynette are both out pounding the pavement for votes, and happen to run into each other on the sidewalk. "Nice touch with the cookies," Lynette snarks. "Ditto on the [head] scarf," Katherine shoots back. Ooh, cold. Katherine finds Edie washing her windows and offers to deal with the fountain for her. But Edie only cares about Ida's rusty screen door. Cut to Lynette, promising to leave Ida and her nearly screenless door alone if she gets to be president. This proceeds in a predictable manner, cutting back and forth between the two, with Katherine promising to bring other people in line and Lynette promising other people that she'll lay off. Also, she's doing favors like cleaning out gutters and having her kids rub Mrs. McCluskey's feet. Without polling data, it's hard to say which way the street is leaning. But I think I see which one wants it more.
Orson and Bree are back at home, eating dinner with Andrew. Bree beats herself up for not realizing that Danielle would develop a maternal instinct, but Andrew clears things up: living with Phyllis sounds like more fun to Danielle than the McJob and community college that Bree was going to set her up with. "If you want that baby," Andrew bottom-lines, "you're going to have to outbid Grandma."
Carlos comes and knocks on John's door, saying he wants to talk. He even promises no beatings. Specifically, he's decided to forgive John for sleeping with Gabby. And also for falling in love with her. And that's about all he had to say. John wonders if Gabby is happy. "I think she is," Carlos "ventures." John doesn't look too happy to hear it. He should be happy that Carlos kept his promise of no beatings.
Time for the homeowners' association vote, which is being held at Susan's house. Lee reminds everyone that "a vote for Katherine is a vote for fascism." Which leads to some allegedly amusing malapropism with Ida thinking he's talking about fashion, as the gays do. I'm sure that's going to be a running gag all season, but I'm telling you right now that I'm done with it. Mrs. McCluskey calls the vote, and it's a tie: 14-14. So what now? Well, Edie correctly points out that Susan voted for both candidates, way in the back of the room. Susan finds herself the swing vote between one of her several best friends and getting rid of the clanging nightmare that's still outside her window. Rats, if only Mike were here. He's a member, right? Finally, Susan votes for Katherine. There's polite applause, and Katherine says she'll be in touch with various people about their "infractions" -- including Lynette. Man, that's just being punitive. Everyone leaves, grumbling, and -- hey, there's Nathan Fillion! I forgot Adam was even on this show, let alone married to Katherine (of whom he looks a bit embarrassed), since he was gone all last week and more than half of this one. From across the room, Susan mouths a "sorry" at Lynette, who just shakes her head, rolls her eyes, and walks out. Way to screw over the cancer lady.
Orson and Bree are trying again with Danielle. They're having lunch with her and Phyllis poolside, giving her a full view of all the moist geezers. After contriving an excuse for Phyllis to leave, Bree and Orson compliment Danielle on having grown up enough to be ready to take care of her baby -- and also of Phyllis, when the time comes, which they hint will be soon. Oh, and by the way, they add, this old folks' home is way better than that old Florida college they've decided they were going to let her go to after all. "Who needs frat boys who only like you for your convertible?" Orson says. Danielle's like, back up, cowboy. They claim they were thinking of giving her a car for her birthday. But since she's keeping the baby and all, maybe a diaper service would be a better birthday gift. Noticing the oldster movement in the pool taking on a vaguely rhythmic quality, Bree suggests signing up for water aerobics, and suddenly a Florida college with a convertible sounds good to Danielle. Bree and Orson gently point out that Danielle can't exactly raise a baby in her dorm room. But who will Danielle give the baby to? Who, indeed? By the time Phyllis comes back, out of breath enough to look like she's ready to keel over on the spot, Danielle has clearly changed her mind.
At Katherine and Adam's, Katherine wants to toast her victory, but Adam is acting more like a big loaf of soggy bread. Katherine claims to only want to beautify the neighborhood she loves, and Adam says, "Ever since we moved back, all I've seen is an unhappy woman who needs to control everything." Hey, that's not fair. There have been a couple of scenes so far without any women in them at all. Katherine makes an obliquely bitchy reference to Chicago, and Adam reminds her of something they learned there. "When the chips are down, it helps to have friends. And you certainly haven't made us any lately." With that, he congratulates her and sips his champagne. Which I'm sure is just sparkling apple cider.
Danielle is packed and ready to go, and as she kisses Phyllis goodbye, Bree asks for a moment alone with her mother-in-law before they go. She's feeling guilty over having won, especially when Phyllis starts in on pictures -- like the one she has of Rex -- that are all she has left. Before leaving, Bree offers to let Phyllis babysit after Danielle delivers. As for an excuse as to why Phyllis is around, Bree says she can just say that Phyllis is broke. "Can't you just say you like having me around?" Phyllis asks. "I need something that will fly, Phyllis," Bree says as politely as she can.
Nighttime, and it's Carlos, knocking on another door. He may have a future in sales. Inside Gabby's house, he tells her that they need to end the affair -- break up with their respective partners and wait six months before getting back together so they aren't doing anything wrong any more. Gabby doesn't like hearing it, but she sees his point. "You're such a good guy, Carlos," she says. "I really hate that about you." So they have their six-month goodbye kiss, which naturally is captured on camera by the guy in the van across the street. Whom Victor is apparently paying overtime instead of springing for curtains for his house.
Susan comes over to Lynette's and mock-promises to chain herself to the kids' treehouse when they come for it. Lynette is not charmed. "Don't do that," she says. "I want to be sad when they knock it down." Susan says that she couldn't put Lynette's kids above her own husband. Lynette sees the point, and finally confesses what we've known all episode: the treehouse is the one cancer-free zone the kids have. Which she wants to protect for them, because she feels like she's ruining their childhood with her tumors and her white blood cell count and her big scary head. Susan's almost ready to go get herself some chains for real, but Lynette hugs her instead. This is how Katherine finds them, as she smarms across the street. And she tells Lynette that the treehouse can stay. Sounds like Adam made his point. Katherine says she wants to be a good neighbor, and starts to head back across the street. Lynette asks Katherine what's up with her, with all the up and down all the time. "You're one complicated lady," she setups. Katherine obligingly knocks it down, winking, "I've had a complicated life."
Edie is having a heartfelt conversation with someone about how this is the first time she's ever fallen in love. It's very sincere, all the way up to the punch line: "Now I know the pain you feel isn't the worst part. It's the hate." Of course she's talking to the PI from the van, who was apparently hired by her to bust Carlos, and not by Victor to tail Gabby. Okay, I was a bit slow on that one.
So Katherine heads over to Bob and Lee's, smilingly telling them that the fountain can go at their earliest convenience. They pleasantly tell her that it's staying. "Oh, boys, boys, the war is over," she chides them gently. "Yes it is," Lee agrees. "We know all about Chicago." Whoa, didn't see that coming. It seems Bob has an ex on the board of Chicago Memorial, which apparently is still buzzing over what Adam did there. Whatever it was. Katherine says whatever they heard is a lie. And they point out that it was enough to make them leave town. And, you know something I just realized? Chicago's not a small town. Bob finishes, "Which begs [sic] the question: do you like living here?" Game, set, and match to Bob and Lee.
As Katherine storms back home, past an indifferent Mrs. McCluskey, Mary Alice VOs about how people stay detached from their neighbors. By further illustration, a guy walks past Phyllis crying outside at her community. A neighbor blows past an arguing John and Tammy. A girl walks a dog obliviously past Susan and Lynette, who are all better now (aside from Lynette still having the cancer). And a kid skateboards past Katherine as she retrieves her mail from her giant, house-shaped mailbox, which has to be some kind of code violation, even in a place that has no codes. Mary Alice says we stay distant because we'd rather our neighbors didn't know anything about us than know too much. And thank you, Mary Alice, for giving me a setup to talk about what bugs me about this episode: if Katherine is a Woman With A Secret, what was she doing running for elected office? You don't do that. That's, like, Woman With A Secret 101. From to their fountain, Bob and Lee tip Katherine a friendly but clearly victorious wave. Katherine's going to have some 'splainin' to do to Susan.