Bree, distracted by Hot Handyman's butt, backs into Juanita Solis on her bike -- an unfortunate coincidence, considering Bree's own son ran over the other Juanita Solis all those years ago -- and Juanita spends the rest of the episode in the hospital. When Gaby finds out Juanita's blood type is O, and hers and Carlos's is A, she assumes she must have had an affair she didn't think she had (it happens to all of us) and that Carlos isn't the father. She spends the episode trying to hide this fact from him, until he finally tells her the truth in a heartbreaking end of the episode. Bree's reaction is to fire Hot Handyman; I mean, it's obviously his fault for being so Hot and Handy, right? He leaves in a huff, but after Mrs. McCluskey tells Bree that if she can't take a risk, she'll soon have a ton of regrets, Bree tracks him down at a pool hall and hires him back -- clearly hoping he'll use all of his best tools on this project, if you know what I'm saying.
Meanwhile, Susan is still dancing with vacuum cleaners and dusters on the internet. She's doing a ridiculously stiff job at it, so Lainie Kazan gets to come over and awesomely show her how to loosen up and dance. The morning, though, Mike forgets something and comes back. When he finds his wife cleaning the house in a skimpy nightie, he obviously wants to get it on right then and there. It's a near miss, as Susan barely gets the computer closed before capturing her and Mike's lovemaking session on camera. She's pretty bummed about lying to her man, but the wads of cash she's making seem to make it all okay.
And at the Scavo home comes the biggest shock of all. Tom has postpartum depression, but that's not the shocker. Renee talks to him, and acts as his therapist, but that's not the shocker either. Lynette flashes her boobs at Tom and he chooses to talk, but that's not even the big twist. What we learn, ultimately -- after Renee announces she'll be moving into Edie's old house on the lane -- is that she and Tom have a secret past that Lynette doesn't know about. And Tom wants to make sure it stays that way. Which, of course, means that it won't.
Previously: Paul Young got out and came back to Wisteria. For revenge. Lynette's friend, Renee (Vanessa Williams), came to visit and stayed because her husband left her. Carlos found out Juanita was switched at birth. Susan took a job cleaning on camera for money. In pajamas (racy!). And Bree was in love with her Hot Handyman.
MAVO leads us into the episode, all focused on Bree and why she's so repressed. First her grandma told her how bad sex was ("a woman's burden"). Her minister said it was a sin. Her teacher taught her about venereal disease. But no one ever told Bree how to get rid of such sexual urges. She heads outside to stare at Hot Handyman, but he catches her so she makes up a trip to the bank. She comes over and rubs his wood. No, really. He makes her fondle the piece of wood he's cutting, which he thinks would make nice paneling somewhere in her house. I know it doesn't matter, but why is he already cutting up this particular wood if he hasn't even shown it to her before. Seems sort of inefficient to prepare paneling the boss might not even want, doesn't it? Anyway, Bree leaves all hot and bothered, and keeps staring at Hot Handyman as she backs out of her driveway ... and right into little Juanita Solis. What is it with this family running over that family? MAVO reminds us how dangerous Bree's urges still are.
Fairview Hospital. More MAVO, all about the healing that takes place here. But the one thing she says they can't heal is a guilty conscience. Lynette tries to make Bree feel better, but Bree really wants them to come out and tell her something. Andrew says Juanita was talking when they put her in the ambulance, and Mrs. McCluskey says one of the nurses said things looked good. Paul comes in and says how great this is. They all want him to leave, but he's being neighborly and insists they all pray together. He holds hands and prays. While his eyes are closed, everyone else looks at each other in shock. Then he says "Amen" and they all pretend they've been praying the whole time. He says he has to get home, as he's expecting someone, and leaves. Mrs. McC prays "that creep" never touches her again. Gaby comes out and tells them all how Juanita's doing just fine, and Carlos doesn't even have to come home from his business trip. Then she pulls Bree and Andrew into a hall and yells at them, accusing them of trying to kill every Juanita Solis on the planet. Bree is very apologetic, and then Andrew thanks her for not telling Carlos. Gaby gives him that one, since she didn't like that Juanita, but she storms off and tells them to learn to swerve. Giving Bree and Andrew a chance to discuss what caused the accident. She insists she was fiddling with the radio, but Andrew saw her looking at Hot Handyman, and he tells her that particular model of radio is, like, fifteen years too young.
Susan's house. She's in a silky nightie, vacuuming. She's doing everything she can to cover up her totally lopsided boobs (and, really? Why am I always recapping lopsided boobs). Maxine comes in then to tell her how boring she is, and give her some pointers. We get some much more awesome and sexier scenes of Lainie Kazan gyrating with the vacuum and then the duster, and then rubbing the table clean with her giant breasts. Susan gets the point, but says she can't loosen up. Maxine calls her the "perfect woman," which is ridiculous. I mean, why is this show so in love with her. Anyway, Susan tries to loosen up, and Maxine grabs her from behind and teaches her how.
At the Scavos, Penny's eating at the table as Renee has a conversation with her ex-husband about how he better give her everything she wants or she'll take half of everything, even his new lover's implants. When Renee hangs up, Lynette asks her to notice the child in the room. Renee replies by asking Penny what "Auntie Renee" taught her about marriage. Penny: "Never sign a prenup." Tom comes home early, sick for the third time in a week. Lynette tells him to go to the doctor, but first: go to the grocery store, please. He's tired, but so's she. He tells her he'll go to the doctor tomorrow. He leaves, and Renee warns Lynette, because they're sounding a lot like she and Doug did.
Out on the lane, Bree's filling Mrs. McC and Lee in on Juanita: She's fine. Tom joins them, and there's more than a little bitterness directed his way from Lee, put there by exposition fairies to remind us they broke up. Mrs. McC says it's been a month and can't they just kiss each other's bottoms and make up. I would be offended if I cared. A crazy woman, played by Emily Bergl, comes down the street with a goldfish in a bowl, and tells them she's lost. She's looking for Paul Young. They ask if she's a friend, but before she can answer, he comes up and introduces her as Beth, his wife.
When Bree gets back from grocery shopping, she finds Hot Handyman working shirtless. He apologizes, then puts his shirt on backwards, so has to take it off again. Bree almost faints from the hotness. And, come on now, Brian Austin Greene looks good, but really? He's not that hot. Then again, Bree's partners have been Orson and Karl, so I'll give her this one. Hot Handyman hugs Bree to reassure her about hitting Juanita, which could have happened to anyone. Bree, wanting sex, fires him. He wonders why, and she blames his messiness and his "overpowering" cologne. He doesn't wear cologne, though, which somehow makes it even worse.
At Susan's, she sends her men off into the world and tells Mike how much jewelry she's going to make today. He says she's determined to bring in extra money before she goes to school at 11. She says he has no idea. She starts dusting and acting gross/sexy, when Mike comes back to get the thermos he forgot. She tries to get the camera closed before he tells her what a fantasy this is and jumps all over her right there, but she doesn't get to it. He kisses her and pulls her close, and finally, she kicks the computer shut, relieved. What a riveting storyline.
Lynette asks Renee if she's found an apartment in New York yet, but Renee's actually thinking of moving here to Fairview. Lynette drops the dishes she's doing and says, "Uh, no." They bicker, when Tom comes home from the doctor. He asks Lynette if they can talk, and she goes into the other room with him. He tells her she's going to want to sit down, and she says he's scaring her. He whispers that he has post-partum depression. Lynette: "Come again?" He says it's actually a recognized problem for fathers his age. Lynette's not having any of it, asking if he was also checked for a yeast infection. He gives her the pamphlet, but she's not talking about it until he has stretch marks and chapped nipples. He asks her to please read the whole pamphlet, but the baby cries and she says she has to go take care of her other baby. Renee watches it all transpire with a raised eyebrow, lest we not get that something's up there just by the fact that they're showing her witness it all.
At the newly minted creepiest house on Wisteria Lane, Paul and his new bride have an awkward dinner together, in which he tries to get her to have sex now that he's finally out of prison (conjugal visits weren't allowed). She's excited to cook and clean for him, she says, but certain other wifely duties are going to take some more time. She also makes two references to someone named "Mama," who sounds awfully controlling. He pretends he's okay with this, but it's clear he isn't.
Hospital. The nurse has so
me questions about Juanita for Gaby, including "How old was she when you adopted her?" Gaby insists she wasn't adopted, but the nurse says two O blood types can't have an A. The nurse is like, "Oh. Never mind." Then she accuses Gaby of having an affair without actually accusing her of it. Gaby says she's been faithful and has nothing to hide, rips a piece of paper off Juanita's chart and leaves. Back at the Scavo home, Renee's tired when Lynette gets up. She says she was up late, talking to Tom, who she says has a lot on her mind. When Lynette asks if he was complaining about her, Renee pretends she doesn't want to get in the middle, but she totally does, so she goes on to tell her that Tom feels Lynette doesn't listen to him. Lynette tells Renee to stop having these conversations with her husband, and Renee says "Fine." But the eye roll as Lynette leaves the room is some indication she's full of crap. Hospital. Susan arrives with a poster from school for Juanita, but Gaby rushes her into another room. She interrogates Susan about some ski weekend they went on eight years earlier, when they had dinner with a French guy. Apparently, Susan went to bed and left Gaby and "Frenchie" drinking at the hotel bar. She asks Susan when she came back to the room, but all Susan remembers is the sun coming up. Gaby gets teary and says she thinks Juanita might be French.MAVO makes a rare mid-episode appearance to explain Carlos's arrival home from his business trip (he saw Juanita during the commercial, apparently). When he gets home to Gaby, she pretends to be asleep, writhes around, then climbs on him and starts kissing. He thinks she's awake, but then she wakes up and slaps him, and says this must be her old "sexsomnia" thing in which she will have sex with anyone to her. He doesn't remember this happening before, but she assures him it did with other people, and it's not funny; it's totally dangerous. Also, she says, "It's real. Look it up." And I did, and she's sadly correct. Carlos just wants to take advantage of this, but she's tired now.
Bree's working in her garden when Mrs. McC comes over to ask where Hot Handyman is. Bree explains she had to let him go, which Mrs. McC quickly realizes is because Bree's crushing on him and is afraid to act on her urges. Mrs. McC says that not living her life isn't the answer, but Bree's never been good at taking risks. Mrs. McC tells her to get good, because once they're regrets, it's too late. Lynette arrives home at her house with a baby and groceries. Either Preston or Porter is sitting on the couch, and says Tom and Renee went to dinner at a French restaurant (this episode is brought to you by: the French). He tries not to keep the baby, but Lynette leaves her there with him. When she walks into the restaurant, Tom looks sad and Renee touches his hand. She joins them, and asks what's up. Tom says they were talking about her, how she doesn't listen to him and won't validate his feelings. (Didn't they just do this last season?) Lynette calls Renee to another room, and yells at Renee for continuing this talking with Tom after she'd asked her not to. Renee says she was trying to help, but Lynette insists she's just doing what she does: a project. She likes to take people's lives apart for fun and then put them back together. Renee says she might be right and she's a terrible person, but there's still a man in there in terrible pain, and his wife won't listen to him. It looks like maybe Lynette's getting something from this. Which we all know will last about two episodes, at most.
Susan's looking at her tiny webcam when Mike comes home (she hides it in her pocket) with flowers. They're a gift because she already paid the car payment, which he was about to act for an extension for. She says she made a lot of jewelry money. He tells her how lucky he is to have a wife who teaches, makes jewelry, and cleans the house so happily that it led to sex. The day, she's getting even more money from Maxine, who tells her how good she's getting. Susan says sadly that she's also getting good at lying to her husband. She doesn't seem to be worried about the school finding out, but that school of richie-rich kids and their richie-rich parents is never going to be okay with this.
Bree finds Hot Handyman in a dive bar (she called his answering service). She wants to apologizes for being out of sorts the other day, and asks him to come back. He's not really interested in how high-maintenance she is, though. But instead of just saying that, he compares her to a Maserati. Bree insists she's a family sedan with a beige interior. Which is completely true. He's still going to pass, so she takes his pool ball away to get his attention. She tells him she needs him, because her house is a mess -- and so is her life. She promises him she just wants him to clean up the house part. He doesn't say anything, so she tosses the ball back and leaves. But when she starts to back away, she hits Hot Handyman with her car. When she finds him back there on the ground, he tells her she has great legs and should consider jogging from place to place. He had come out to tell her he'll take the job back. Then he jokingly asks for her insurance information.
Lynette finds Tom in bed, and asks how he's doing. He wonders if this is genuine concern or her wondering if it's a heavy flow day. She apologizes for being so dismissive, and says she read the pamphlet and understands what he's going through, and thinks it's real. So she gives him two options: 1. A long conversation about his feelings. Or 2. She flashes him. He kisses her and says he really likes option 2, but wants to talk tonight. Paul Young, however, doesn't want to talk. Which he makes clear by giving Beth a sexy pink teddy. She says it's not her style, and then reminds him he said they can take it slow. He pushes and begs, then shows her letters in which she told him she longed to touch him and make love to him. But she sent those thinking he'd never get out of prison, and that it was just a fantasy. She apologizes and then Paul gets a little scary and mean. He tells her it's no surprise she has issues, since she married a man in prison for murder. But he's willing to help her. All he asks in return is a little affection. And he tells her he's a patient man, but he won't be forever.
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Lynette finds Renee on the porch in the morning and gives her a cup of coffee. Renee's worried it's poisoned, to which Lynette replies that Renee was right to make her talk to Tom. She thanks her for being a friend, and asks her never to do it again. Oh, and she likes having her around (when she doesn't want to kill her). Which is good news, since Renee's decided to move into Edie's house across the street. Lynette thinks that's a little close (but she has to be thinking what we're all thinking: At least the house won't feel like it's lost its bitchy tenant). Tom comes out to get Lynette's help with the crying baby; on her way in, she tells him Renee's moving to Edie's. He looks shocked. Then, after Lynette's gone, he asks her if that's really a good idea, because "She can never know what happened between us." Renee assures him, and says it was a million years ago. Oh my god, WHATEVER. So he was okay with her going to New York to hang out with the woman he has some dark secret past with, but doesn't want her here in Fairview?
Hospital. Carlos is signing Juanita out, when he notices the torn release form and asks what's up. The nurse starts to tell him why Gaby did it, but Gaby comes out then and overhears. She takes off running, and he goes after her. She tells him she's so sorry, but Juanita must not be his; she doesn't remember having an affair, but she must have been so drunk that it happened. Carlos's face softens, of course, and he calls her into a hospital room. We don't hear the rest, but we see Gaby break down in his arms when he tells her, and it's actually quite heartbreaking. As much as they make this couple into a cartoon half the time, they're quite good together. MAVO picks back up about how people heal themselves. Some make new friends (Bree and Hot Handyman). Some use money (Susan and Mike count their dollars with ugly jewelry spread out around them). Some use small acts of kindness (Paul gives Beth a rose). "But sadly," MAVO finishes as Gaby sits to Juanita's hospital bed, watching her sleep. "There will always be those who can't begin to heal. Because they realize there is more pain yet to come."
week: More half-naked Susan as she battles with another cleaning lady. Renee has the hots for Bree's Hot Handyman, so Bree fluffs up her hair and shows some cleavage. Hot Handyman and all of America: "Wow." But Renee's not pleased. But there's more sadness for Carlos and Gaby, as he yells at Gaby that they could take Juanita from them.
DeAnn, a writer and editor in Portland, Oregon, believes that in real life, Susan's jewelry would be more successful than her ridiculous non-stripping. You can contact her at twopmodmars@gmail.com.
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