By DeAnn Welker
Now that those "what-ifs" are out of the way, we move on to moving on. No real forward movement on the Bolen mystery, though, since Angie and Nick aren't even in the episode. Danny is, though. He invites Julie to go see their unfunny friend do stand-up comedy. After she asks him if his overdose was because of her and he admits it was, in part, she agrees to go. Then Ana tells Julie how much she likes Danny, so Julie brings her along. Ana asks Danny why he doesn't like her and he tells her she's full of herself. Then she stand up for herself and he gets interested. He says he likes the blunt Ana better than the cute Ana. And I like them in spite of myself. Oh, and Julie's taking Karl's inheritance money and moving away until her attacker's caught.
Speaking of Karl's inheritance, he also left something to Susan: a strip club he was part owner of. She visits and finds out Mike's been there, but when she forbids him to go back it doesn't go over well. So, to show him just how much she hates strip clubs, she lures him there and then strips until he forbids her from it. They go home all turned on and happy. Bree and Orson are less happy, though. He plans to go through with the divorce, but her reverend tells her to bring Orson home and work on the marriage. She's not sure she loves him, but she wants to go to heaven, so she does it. She builds a ramp and basically forces him home. When he realizes how much it means to her, he decides to just use the situation, and make her his servant. It's annoying, since he was so in love with her as recently as the Christmas/plane crash episode, but I can't say that I blame him.
Carlos and Gaby are trying to get Juanita into a good school, but when they find out she doesn't know she's Mexican, Carlos changes his mind. He wants to send her to a public school with more Latino children. Gaby's not so sure about that, since she grew up poor and Mexican. She says Carlos can call it self-loathing, but she just didn't want to be like her family. She did love her dad, though, and Carlos says that the girls' lives started on the shoulders of their poor, Mexican grandfather, so he wants them to know where they came from. She agrees. Meanwhile, Tom goes to work in Lynette's place and does an amazing job. Carlos admits to Lynette that Tom said she probably won't come back after the baby's born. Lynette confronts Tom, who figured she'd want to stay home since they lost one of the babies. She's mad and mean, but he was just trying to be nice. He tells her she wins, and she can go back to work. Then he starts drinking and getting depressed.
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Previously: The plane crashed. Celia was safe, thanks to Lynette. Orson was paralyzed. One of Tom and Lynette's babies died. And Karl died. Mary Alice Voiceover tells us it's a month after Karl's death, and his family's assembled for the reading of his will. He left stuff to his family, including cash and securities to Julie. Then he left something to Susan, who's there to support Julie but is happy to hear she gets something and wants to know what it is. Karl's will is all about how much he cheated on her before it gets to the fact that he also hid a business from her, and now he's transferred his part ownership to her. Susan's glad Karl -- who had affairs, ran a law firm, and ran a secret business -- is finally getting some rest. Karl wanted Susan to keep an open mind about the business... which is a strip club. MAVO says that, yes, Karl gave his ex-wife something to remember him by, but it's not like she would have forgotten him. Title card.
Girls strip and pole dance as Mary Alice tells us about all the men who go to the Double D gentleman's club: frat boys, soldiers, CEOs. Yes, it's all kinds of men, which can be upsetting to all kinds of women. A guy named Jimbo Rooney introduces himself to Susan and says he's the co-owner, and he's sorry to hear about Karl's death. Susan wants to speak to someone about selling her share, but Jimbo wonders if she's sure, what with how lucrative Topless Karaoke Tuesdays are. He tells her to look around and then decide. He gives her his card, and she notices he made the Os in Rooney into boobs. Classy. He leaves, and she orders a drink. A dancer named Destiny sidles up to her and when Susan introduces herself, she says they have a Delfino that comes in here: Mike, a plumber. Susan asks if he has a big busted nose, but Destiny doesn't think so. Susan: "Well, wait till the time you see him."
Scavos'. Lynette and Tom open a huge gift from Carlos and Gaby, which is a TV. They say they can't accept, but Gaby says they have a family rule that if you save their daughter from being squashed by a plane, you get a 60-inch plasma. Carlos says they could never make up for what Lynette did, and Gaby adds an apology for being such a bitch. They accept. And Carlos gives Lynette her job back, but says he'll be putting in extra days and hours while she's out. He tells her not to worry, but Tom offers to fill in for her. [Rather than going back to complete his non-refundable college education? - Zach] Lynette mocks him as if he's joking, then says it's putting Carlos in an awkward position. But Carlos and Gaby both love it. Lynette says it's just such a complicated job. But when Tom asks if she thinks he can't handle it, she can't admit that she doesn't think he can, so it's all set, and Gaby and Carlos leave for an interview to get Juanita into a private school.
Bree's serving homemade scones to her reverend, and giving him a giant check, a bunch of donations for a sale, and offering to volunteer. She says she just wants to do her part, but when he presses, she ends up admitting she had an affair with Karl. After almost choking, the reverend says she needs to bring Orson home and take care of him, and work on their marriage. He tells her that's how she can make this right, since she's been so wracked with guilt she can't sleep or eat. When Bree says she's not sure she loves him anymore, he reverend quotes Pearl Buck: You can't make yourself feel something you do not feel, but you can make yourself do right in spite of your feelings. He says she won't be able to live with herself if she doesn't make this right with Orson, so she says fine, she'll bring Orson home. But then she takes the scones away as the reverend goes in for more. So she's obviously not thrilled about it.
Julie's loading up her car when Danny comes over to tell her that Eddie's doing stand-up comedy at the Chuckle Zone on open-mic night. She can't believe he's doing comedy, but Eddie says people are always telling him how funny he is. Eddie takes off when he sees Porter, and Julie and Danny make fun of how NOT funny Eddie is. Danny asks Julie to come so he's not the only one there. She says she'll try, but she's packing to move back East with the money her dad left her. She doesn't feel safe here and isn't coming back until her attacker's caught. She asks Danny if his overdose was because of her. He says he was lonely, and he was dealing with lots of stuff, but yes, she was part of it. He says he's better now, though. Julie wonders how they can get out of open-mic night.
At Oak Ridge private school, the headmaster says their timing is good, as they have an opening. The headmaster asks how the home-schooling has been going, and Gaby says it's been difficult, but here's Juanita's lunch and they'll pick her up at 4. The headmaster says to wait, since there are a few families on the waiting list ahead of them. But Susan gave them a glowing recommendation, and they could use a little diversity in this school. Carlos says they're proud of their Mexican heritage, but Juanita can stand on her own merits, since she's very bright. Juanita: "I'm Mexican?" Carlos and Gaby are all, "WTF?" But Juanita's like, "Since when? I thought we were American." Carlos reminds her that her ancestors came from Mexico. Juanita, disgusted: "Really? So we're like those people who sell oranges on he side of the road?" Gaby and Carlos get up to leave, and you can hear Gaby send Juanita back, and she comes back in and says, "Adios, Senor."
Hospital. Bree's waiting for Orson when a nurse wheels him in. She thanks him for agreeing to see her, since he hasn't answered her calls. He says his phone was in his pants pocket, and it was on vibrate, and... you know... the paralysis. She says his doctors think he might walk again someday, and he says yes, they're upbeat and optimistic, and he wants to run them over with his chair. Bree tells Orson to come home, and he says no thanks, he'd rather be helped by a flatulent monkey, and he's going through with the divorce. She wonders why the change of heart, which is just stupid of her, since it's obviously the affair. But Orson actually says he could forgive the betrayal if it were with anyone remotely admirable, but not Karl, the most contemptible man he's ever known. He says he doesn't need her, then can't open the door while in his wheel chair, so she opens it. She tells him she's having a ramp built and he's coming home. She says they can start forgiving each other. He suggests she starts first.
In the car on the way home from Oak Ridge, Gaby says she doesn't know how Juanita doesn't know she's Mexican, since they eat Mexican food all the time. Juanita says they eat Chinese too; does that mean they're Chinese? Carlos: "No. That just means your mother doesn't like to cook." Bah-dum-bump. Gaby asks Juanita if they have to spell everything out for her; she does know she's a girl, right? Carlos scolds her, but Gaby says half the women in his family have moustaches, so she could see the confusion. They get home and send Juanita inside to play with Celia. Gaby tells her to tell her she's Mexican, too. Gaby wonders how they let the school get away, but Carlos wonders how their daughter thinks she's white. They look around the neighborhood and realize there's no one but white people.
Susan's sitting on the couch when Mike comes home and apologizes for being late; he was working on Orson's ramp. Susan asks if he has cash so she can pay the paper boy. He gives her a $20, but she stands up and we see she's just in underwear and a T-shirt. She asks if he wants to stick it in her underwear, but he'd rather put in the mailbox like usual. She says that's probably how he's used to it at Double D's, which Karl left her part ownership of. "Oh, and by the way, Destiny says hello." Mike says he can see where she's going with this, and that he's the plumber there, but sometimes he has a beer when he finishes the job. Susan asks if he looks at the girls, and he says it's completely innocent. So, he's been to a strip club; will they laugh about it or make it a thing? She's leaning toward "thing," so he says he'll come straight home time he has a job there. Susan says he won't work there anymore, since she forbids it. He wonders what kind of marriage this is, and she says, "The kind where the husband wants to look at strippers and the wife forbids it." Mike tells her he loves her and never has or will cheat, but she's not going to tell him what he can or can't do. He leaves.
The day, Susan, Lee, Mrs. McCluskey and Gaby are assembled on Gaby's porch. Susan's telling them that she forbade Mike from going to a strip club because she can't stand those places. Gaby thinks it's no big deal, since Carlos takes clients there all the time. Lee went to one for his brother's bachelor party, and got a lap dance from someone called "Cinnamon." He says if he squinted just enough, she looked like a young Ricky Schroeder. Gaby says men go there to fantasize, and we all do it. Susan asks if Gaby does, and she says she fantasizes so much she's surprised when she opens her eyes and it's Carlos. Mrs. McC asks if they want to know who she fantasizes about, and Gaby's like, "No." But Mrs. McC finishes, "Tom Scavo," and Lee chimes in. They apparently both loved Tom in his tan shorts. Gaby says the bottom line is women can't understand strip clubs, and men can't understand why they don't want them to go, and that's just how it is. "Right?" Lee looks at her blankly, then apologizes: He was just imagining Ricky Schroeder in Tom's shorts.
Ana (hey! Where's she been?) is helping Julie pack. And by helping, I mean that she's taking Julie's CDs. She'd also like Danny Bolen, since he's totally into Julie, which is a mystery to Ana since Julie seems uninterested and Ana's sent him all sorts of signals. Julie says Danny's in a fragile place right now and can't get his heart broken. Ana says she wouldn't do that to him, since she likes him. She doesn't want to use him; she just thinks they have a lot in common and wants him to realize that. Julie invites her to the "comedy."
Tom arrives home from work and tells Lynette how crazy his day was. Lynette's busy giving all of the matching twin outfits to charity [instead of keeping them as spares for the baby she is having - Z], which makes Tom go all serious, as he tells her that the Petersons just heard and wanted to see how Lynette is. She just shrugs it off and brings up a guy from work who she says is a prickly SOB. Tom shows her a proposal he worked up for the guy. She's glad he showed her, because she says he won't like it. But Tom says he already showed it to him, and he loved it. And Carlos said it was the best-written proposal he'd ever seen. Lynette serves Tom meatloaf and says that's quite a compliment from Carlos, and a slam on her work. Tom says Carlos was just trying to make him feel good, and wasn't thinking about Lynette at all. Yeah, I don't think that's helping.
Mike's working on Orson's ramp when Bree comes out. He ask when Orson's coming home, and she's not sure, so she decides to call him. Right there. She asks Mike to please not hammer. Instead of, I don't know, going back inside to make the call. She finds out Orson's already checked out of the hospital, and she's puzzled as to where he is, but when the hammering starts again and it's not Mike, she looks down the street and sees Roy's making a ramp. Bree confronts Mrs. McC and Roy about what they're doing. Mrs. McC says she can't blame them for taking in boarders on their fixed incomes, especially a boarder who can't get to the second story. Roy: "That's our naked floor." I love Roy. Bree walks past them angrily.
Inside, she asks Orson what he's doing. He says he's enjoying his new home. Mrs. McC comes in to make sure Bree doesn't slap a guy in a wheelchair. When Mrs. McC finds out Bree's contesting the divorce and Orson won't have any money for at least a year, she tells him to go home to his wife. Bree wheels him out, and Roy asks if he should disassemble the ramp. Mrs. McC says he'll need it soon enough. Hee. Bree wheels him right past Mike, whom Orson tells that his wife's holding him hostage. Mike says they've all been there.
Carlos's office. Lynette's there, just stopping by to say hi. She basically wants reassurance that she'll get her job back even though Carlos says Tom's amazing (though Lynette tries hard to get him to admit Tom's not amazing; what a good wife). Carlos assures her it's her job whenever she wants it, but he thought she wouldn't be coming back to work after the baby was born. She stops and asks why he'd think that, and he says that's what Tom said. Something tells me he shouldn't have told her that, but now she wants details and plays the "I Saved Celia" card. [She also plays the "I will kill a different one of your family members" card. Too soon? - Z]
Comedy club. Eddie's talking about cats and dogs. It's really not funny. When he finishes, no one even laughs or claps. At his friends' table, they pretend he was funny [even though they totally didn't clap, either. - Z], and Julie says she didn't know there were so many differences between dogs and cats. Eddie goes after his free drink, and Ana makes a face to Julie, who asks Porter to walk her to the car to get her jacket. They leave, and Danny gets up to use the restroom. Ana asks him what's the matter with him, since he pays no attention to her. He says there's not a lot of room to be into her, since she's so into herself. She can't believe he just called her conceited, and he tells her to chill, since he didn't ask her to spell it. She says she's not stupid, and not the attention whore at this table. She calls his suicide attempt his "little stunt with the pills." She apologizes, but then he tells her not to be sorry since he likes the blunt Ana more than the cute Ana. She's like, "So, you think I'm cute?" They smile at each other. Uh-oh. He's so going to strangle her. And isn't she way too young for him, anyway?
Casa de Solis. Gaby's making margaritas so they can celebrate Mexican-style that Juanita got into Oak Ridge. Carlos isn't so sure he wants her to go there, though, and suggest a public school farther away with a higher Latino population. She would rather have her in a better school right here than all the way across town just so she can be with "those people." Carlos is like, "You mean 'our people'?" Gaby says their people are rich, private-school people. Carlos accuses Gaby of being ashamed of being Mexican, since all their friends are white and she wouldn't let him teach the girls Spanish. He says she's a self-hating Mexican, and she says he's a self-wiping Mexican. He asks what that means and she throws her margarita on his face. I like them so much more now that they're not being evil to Tom and Lynette.
When Tom comes home from another day of work, Lynette's sitting at the table waiting to question him. Tom says he's hungry, but then Lynette tells him she talked to Carlos today, who was under the impression she'd be staying home with the baby. She asks where he'd get an idea like that and Tom says he told him that, since he thought it might be in her best interest after losing one of the babies. He thought she might want to stay home because this baby is all the more precious given what happened. Lynette asks if that's how she's supposed to feel. Tom says he doesn't know how she feels, since she never talks about it. She says she's dealing with it, but he wonders if they shouldn't be dealing with it together. She says, fine, they lost a kid who they'll never meet and will spend the rest of their lives looking at one wondering why it's not two. She asks how saying this out loud can be helpful, and he agrees it's not. He says she wins, and should go back to her job after having the baby. She thanks him and he pours a glass of wine. She asks if he wants dinner, and he says he's not hungry anymore. He leaves with the bottle of wine and a glass.
Mike arrives at the Double D and asks Rooney about the backed-up bathroom. Rooney says they're working just fine, but Mike says someone called and told him it was an emergency. Rooney doesn't know what's up, but then "Miss Fix-It" is introduced as the newest Double D doll. It's Susan, in a tool belt and sexy outfit. She dances on the pole and strips. Mike asks her what she's doing, and she says as an owner, she's learning the business from the bottom up. Mike wants her to get down, and audience members hoot and holler. Susan tries to say it's totally innocent, and keeps doing it. As she's about to take her bra off, Mike orders her off the stage. She says she thought they didn't have that kind of marriage, and asks what the problem is. He covers her with his coat, and says he gets it and will never go back there. They kiss, he picks her up and calls her "Mrs. Fix-It," and carries her out.
Gaby goes into her closet and pulls down a shoebox. She's looking through the old pictures from it when Carlos comes in later and asks what she's looking at. She says they're old photos. He didn't know she had these. She says they couldn't afford frames, so her dad would put them on the wall with tape. He sees a picture of 5-year-old Gaby in front of a "tool shed," but she says that's their house. Carlos sits down, breathes a heavy sigh, and says, "Wow." Gaby says she was smiling in the photos, but she hated that town: Everyone was poor and Mexican, which she thought was the same thing back then. She wanted out, and he can call it self-loathing, but she doesn't want her kids to know she lived like that. He picks up a picture of her dad, and asks about him. She says he was so strong, and would lift her up on his shoulders when he came home from working in the factories. She loved that, and Carlos bets he did, too. She says she'd ask him why he worked so much, and he'd say so that one day they could live in a beautiful house. "But we never did." Carlos tells her she does now. He says her father had dreams for her and sacrificed a lot to get her here, and whatever their girls achieve in life, it's because of dreams that started on the shoulders of a proud, strong, Mexican man. He wants their kids to know where they came from, and Gaby does, too. We see a picture of Gaby as a kid with her parents and siblings, then a picture of the Solis family.
Hodge House. Bree asks Orson if his physical therapists think he's making progress. He ignores her. She says it's been three days, and he'll have to talk to her sometime. He says he knows why she's doing this, since Reverend Sykes stopped by and was very proud of himself for convincing Bree to take him on as charity work. Bree says it's not just charity work; when she had an affair, she didn't just betray Orson, but her faith as well. She says he has to let her take care of him or... He interrupts, "Or you won't get into heaven? I didn't realize how much this means to you. I guess I can find a way to be happy." She thanks him, and then he says his soup's cold. She exchanges hers for his, then he asks for wine. She goes to get some. Then he asks for crème brulée. She says that takes an hour to prepare, but he's not backing down, showing her his wheelchair and smiling evilly. I think she deserves this, but it is annoying to me that this marriage goes from one person being evil to the other, and there's never any mutual love or respect between them.
MAVO picks back up as Destiny pole-dances. "The act itself is quite simple. You strip away the outer layer and reveal what's underneath. Of course, sometimes the results can be quite surprising." Cut to Tom drinking his bottle of wine on the porch as she says, "If you strip away the veneer of happy domesticity, you may find grief." Gaby picks up a fancy dress as MAVO says, "If you strip away that façade of wealth, you may find self-loathing." A tired Bree serves Orson crème brulée as Mary Alice says, "If you strip away the veil of helplessness, you may find cruelty." Finally, Susan strips for Mike (as the music intensifies, for some reason, which made me expect it to go to Danny doing something creepy instead of this), and MAVO finishes: "Yes, stripping can be a dangerous pastime, but for a lucky few, it can also be a lot of fun." Susan throws her bra at a smiling Mike.
week: Announcer guy says it's the episode that tells it like it is. Bree says Orson stinks. He calls her a whore. She sprays him with a hose. Announcer guy says they can't take it anymore. Gaby needs to know if Juanita's going to succeed in life, but the headmaster reminds her she's only seven. Announcer guy says the dirty laundry's piling up and everyone's hung out to dry. Tom tells Bob and Lee that Lynette never wants to talk, and she asks if they can just drop it. Announcer guy says, "Including one neighbor they never thought they'd see again." Really? They thought Katherine would never come back, ever? That's just dumb.
Discuss this episode in our forums, then see why vloggers Val & Beth think DH is too over-the-top.
DeAnn, a writer and editor in Portland, Oregon, doesn't get the big deal with strip clubs. You can contact her at twopmodmars@gmail.com.