Felicia is back (but only long enough to pack her bags for Utah), Phyllis is gone, and Gardener John has moved on to a woman over twice his age. Finally understanding that John is a teenager, meaning he falls in and out of love every three seconds, Gabby wakes up to the fact that she's been very, very stupid with her secret thoughts of a sex-packed life in a one-bedroom apartment with John. Gabby tearfully apologizes to Carlos for stepping out on him, Carlos is much relieved to hear a sincere "sorry" coming out of Gabby, and the two share a quiet and cute moment. One of the Ps is poised for his first day of kindergarten but pouts strenuously when he discovers that Lynette can't accompany him regarding her need to work. Lynette sets up an elaborate conference-cam system that allows her to see and communicate with P remotely. Unfortunately, her Scrooge-y , boob-y boss scuttles the plan by insisting that Lynette come to a meeting. When Lynette tries to use the "nature calls" excuse to return to her computer, Booby refuses to buy it, so Lynette tips a cup of scalding coffee in her lap. Meeting adjourned! Susan discovers that Edie and her magical guitar will be accompanying daughter Julie as she sings a song in a family church event. Center-of-the-universe Susan, convinced that Edie is only paying attention to Julie to irritate Susan, gets Betty to help her polish up her rusty piano skills. Susan "plays the mom card" and Julie reluctantly picks the accompaniment of her mom over Edie's guitar stylings. When the big night arrives, though, Susan has a fit of guilt over bumping Edie, and somehow Edie ends up trying to play the piano along with Julie. Unfortunately Edie can't really play piano, so Julie's number is effectively ruined, which sucks for Julie but makes Edie look bad, which makes Susan, who is horrible, very pleased. Betty's Basement Buddy (who appears to be a somewhat normal-looking man) breaks free for five seconds before he is pistol-whipped back into submission. Bree offers to take a polygraph to clear herself of all police suspicion about her involvement in Rex's death. While her "no" response to the "did you kill your husband?" question passes with aplomb, her "no" to the "do you love George?" doesn't do so well (i.e., Bree secretly loves George, gross). With some embarrassment, Bree tells George that, due to her surprise love for him, now the police suspect the two of them of being in cahoots. Bree asks George to take the lie-detector test, too, so they can both "move on," and he passes the test with flying colors and a cheerful smile (i.e., George is a psychopath, duh).
Previously on Desperate Housewives: did you watch last week? And the week before that? Then you're fine.
Bree and Mommy Phyllis are at the cemetery with flowers for Rex's grave. Phyllis can't seem to remember where Rex is buried, and MAVO tells us that, over the years, Bree has become increasingly worried about Phyllis's flagging memory. We flash back to all the times Phyllis has forgotten things: the time she left pins in a dress for Bree (result: Bree got stuck); the time she forgot to tell Bree that she'd just finished painting the lawn furniture green (result: Bree ruined an outfit), and the time she forgot to tell Bree about the slipperiness of the newly waxed floor (result: Bree fell to the floor, and not because she was laughing). According to MAVO, though, Bree is always happy to remind the forgetful Phyllis when it comes to the really important things -- like when, exactly, Phyllis plans to end her visit to Wisteria Lane, a question that has plagued the entire viewing audience as well. Phyllis is offended, wondering if Bree thinks of her as a burden or something? Bree soothes Phyllis with a few "of course not"s, and Phyllis sighs and says she guesses that they're just going to have to play her departure by ear. Bree is understandably under-thrilled by the open-endedness of this solution. The two of them finally wend their way to Rex's plot and find...a gaping hole! Bree is stunned, and so is Phyllis, until she "remembers": "Maybe this has something to do with that insurance investigation?" Bree has no idea what Phyllis is talking about. Apparently, the insurance man came by the house when Bree was at the store, and he asked lots of questions. Questions stemming, I'm sure, from Phyllis's oh-so helpful tip-off about how Bree has a boyfriend. Phyllis: "He has a theory that Rex didn't die of a heart attack; he thinks he was poisoned!" MAVO: "It was in that moment Bree could finally see the truth: Her mother-in-law's memory was fine. It was her soul that was faulty." Soul? What soul? And credits!
Three little girls are sitting out on the lawn of 4347 Wisteria Lane. They are having a tea party. MAVO describes each little kid in elaborate detail, telling us what they each bring to the table (the tea, the stuffed-animal guests, the formal attire). It is, I think, the longest MAVO aside ever. Then, in one of the clunkiest transitions ever, MAVO tells us that these girls aren't the only Wisterians who have rich fantasy lives: "One of the older girls in the neighborhood was engaging in a fantasy of her own": we see Gabby gazing out her window at a shirtless Gardener John. She beckons him inside and they melt together into a puddle of sexy. But then the fantasy dissolves and we see that John is not the gardener currently tending to Gabby's hedges. Rather, a fatter, older, shirtless man is doing the honors. Confronted with the reality of her situation, Gabby's face falls.
Cut to Gabby scuttling out to her car. Ralph the friendly not-John gardener asks if she's off to the mall again. Cringing away from his sweaty, party-ball gut, she says yes, she's going shopping. And by "shopping," Gabby means that she's off to go gaze at Gardener John as he mows someone else's lawn. MAVO: "There was nothing Gabrielle enjoyed as much as shopping. And even when she couldn't afford to take anything home, she took satisfaction at looking at the merchandise." Gabby looks at her watch -- I'm not sure why, maybe she's timing John's rate per row...
...and we transition to Susan, who is also looking at her watch. It's 6:15 and apparently Karl was supposed to have Julie back home fifteen minutes ago. Susan is very anxious and also insane. Mike, who's working on his car, watches as she paces and paces in front of her house. Finally, he walks over and tries to talk her down. Susan mutters something about a custody agreement, and how Julie needs to be back by 6. Mike wonders if maybe being fifteen minutes late isn't such a big deal? Susan: "Well, I have a court order; it's out of my hands." By now, they're marching over toward Edie's house. Mike thinks it would be nice if Susan gave Karl a bit of a grace period. Susan insists that she is being nice: she could have Karl arrested. Susan: "Don't get me wrong, I'm all for Julie spending time with Karl, he's still her dad and she loves him." The problem is Edie! Edie isn't exactly the maternal type: "I mean, who knows what passes for a kid-friendly good time in there...drugs, porn, smoking?" They get close to Edie's house, which is emanating music that sounds amazingly kid-friendly -- god-fearing even. Susan walks up to the window and peeks in on the most idyllic scene ever: Karl, Edie, and Julie are in the living room, and Julie is singing "This Little Light of Mine (I'm Going to Let It Shine)." (By the way, this song will be lodged in my mind for three solid days after the episode plays.) Edie's playing guitar, her cute pink cast propped up on the couch, and Karl is smiling and filming the whole scene. As far as porn goes, it's not really all that titillating. Mike whispers in Susan's ear, "Obviously, they saw us coming," as in they only just managed to erase the pentagram, stash the PCP, etc. Mike laughs and Susan stomps away.
Lynette is home with a bag full of school supplies, including a "really cool backpack" for Little Big P, who is poised to start kindergarten. Baby-girl P is penned up on the porch, and the two twin Ps are nowhere in sight. In fact, I don't think I've seen them this whole season. Perhaps they are hiding in Betty's basement, along with Zana and CreePaul and all the other unresolved plotlines? Little Big P is very sad to learn that Lynette isn't going to be taking him to his first day of school due to the fact that she has to work. Lynette: "Mommy's boss is a mean, mean lady, and if I miss work, I'll lose my job, and then we won't have any money to buy food." For some reason, Lynette feels comfy sharing this rather disturbing news (i.e. that the family is this close to starving), but is not willing to take this golden opportunity to teach P that sometimes there are things called "the breaks," and we have to learn to lump them and attend our first day of kindergarten escorted by our loving and entirely available fathers instead. But why teach P not to pout when you can give in with an empty promise: Lynette tells P that she's going to try to talk her boss into letting her come in late -- the very same boss whom Lynette promised (two days ago? two months?) that her children were never going to be a problem. Tom: "Wow, I don't want to rain on your parade, but he just totally manipulated you." Lynette: "Well, hey, when a kid's that good, you've got to give him his due." Lynette tosses the crumpled paper filler from the really cool backpack into the trash, which transitions to...
Cut to Gabby rolling home in...a brand-new car! Lord, Gabby bought her Spyder when her pregnancy was puking-new and she isn't even showing yet. So what, that was maybe...three months ago? When she bought her brand-new car? Matthew is out in front of the Appleblights' house, watering the yard. "That's an amazing car," he says to Gabby. "Aston Martin, right?" I don't know, to me it just looks like another rakish pellet car in that same depressing burgundy, but I guess it's a nice, spendy ride. Gabby, sort of distractedly, agrees that the car is indeed an Aston Martin, and that it's "brand-new, limited edition...little anniversary present from my husband." Matthew: "He's very generous!" Gabby, under her breath: "More than he knows." I'm surprised that sex-starved Gabby doesn't pay more attention to Matthew in this scene, what with her love of burning-hot teens. It's just not like her to not even look him over. Poor Gabby; she must be off her feed.
Susan is in Julie's room, giving her daughter a hard time for choosing Edie as her accompanist in the big "family follies" event at church. "She's really good," Julie explains. Susan is a little surprised that Julie didn't think to ask her mother to be part of her act. Julie: "On what? You don't play an instrument." That's not true! Susan used to play piano! Back in high school! Julie: "So the last time you 'tickled the ivories' was sometime in the late '70s?" Susan clarifies that it was the early '80s, actually. But Susan doesn't want to argue with Julie. She thinks it's "super" that Julie is going to do the show with Edie. Susan goes to leave, but stops at the door and asks Julie, "So she's really good, huh?" Julie: "She knows her guitar. Apparently, there were a lot of musicians in her family, sort of like the Von Trapps. Except her brother...ODed." Interesting: Edie is getting more and more complicated!
Matthew and Betty are preparing Basement Buddy's lunch. Matthew is saying how he wants to go out for football, but Betty doesn't want him to socialize: "Matthew, you are such an excellent player, darling, that people will want to be your friend. Then the thing you know, god knows who will be wanting to stop by, calling. Sweetie, we need to keep a low profile." Man, their life rules. Still talking, Matthew gets the Basement Buddy-control gun out of its drawer. He tells Betty that he understands about the low profile thing, but really, he has to get out of the house, since he's going totally stir-crazy. Their conversation is rolling along like this when Matthew opens the door to the basement and...in bursts the Basement Buddy! Which scares the living pants off of me (remember, he's supposed to be locked behind an additional dungeon door way down below). And I should know better: they showed the exploding door in the previews! There's a mad scramble: food goes everywhere, dishes crash, Buddy moans weirdly à la Young Frankenstein's monster doing "Putting on the Ritz." Finally, Matthew manages to get Buddy in a headlock, and Betty pistol-whips him into unconsciousness. Whew! I guess it's time to up Basement Buddy's meds.
Just then, the doorbell rings. It's Susan! Looking for piano lessons? So she can put her daughter into an uncomfortable position of having to choose between her mother and her dad's girlfriend? Betty listens to Susan's spiel, and rather rudely tells Susan that she doesn't give lessons. Susan looks a little thrown to discover that not all in the universe aligns to her bidding, and peeps out a few disappointed "oh"s. Then she notices that Betty...has...a little...um...suspicious blood-looking matter on her shirt. Betty, by way of excuse: "I'm making cherry pie." And then she abruptly says "Excuse me!" and backs her way into the house, closing the door in Susan's face. By the way, Betty is wearing a very weird shirt here; it's a billowing white cotton thing with a rounded tail at each hip. It looks sort of like she's wearing a grown-up version of an infant's snap-up-the-crotch pajamas, only all unsnapped. It's hard to describe, which just goes to show how very odd the outfit really is. Susan walks away from the house looking confused, and possibly suspicious? Like maybe, just maybe, the bloody shirt and the disturbing sounds coming from the house at all hours of the night add up to...a mystery? Betty, looking dazed, tiptoes back through her debris-strewn kitchen. Matthew, leaning against the basement door with the drained relief of someone who has managed to get a dangerous escaped animal back in its cage, says, "What happened to maintaining a low profile? You keep being rude to everybody, they're going to start whispering about us." As Betty wipes up a splattering of blood off the floor with a sponge, she agrees with Matthew that she really does want to fit in. If she only knew how much time her Wisteria Lane neighbors spend wiping up blood, she'd see how much she fits in already.
Lynette is at work. Receptionist Stu -- who is wearing a huge bandage across his face (what the hell?) -- calls Lynette over to show off the new video conferencing technology they've acquired: "Isn't the resolution fantastic?" An extreme close-up of officemate Kevin's mouth looms large on Stu's monitor. Kevin, who is standing just feet away, is deep-throating the camera. Just the usual wacka-wacka fun found in any creative office environment.
Lynette shakes her head at the nutty boys and dips into Bossy Boobs's office. Lynette: "You know how the first hour of the morning meeting is always so slow? 'Cause I've got this thing..." Bossy Boobs: "Good GOD. This is not about your kids again, is it?" Lynette acknowledges that, yes, she knows she promised (days, weeks ago) that she would never do this, only this is important. It's P's first day of kindergarten! Which, fine, it is kind of a big deal. But if you've just started a job, and you know your boss is rabidly anti-parents- who-shirk-off- work-because- of-their-kids, then either make up a different, better excuse, or save your wishes for a true emergency, which someone with four kids is almost guaranteed to have in her not-so-distant future. But Lynette, usually so devious, tries the truth with Bossy Boobs: Parker is nervous about his first day, he really, really wants Lynette to be there, etc. Boobs interrupts Lynette's cute tale: "How is this my problem?" Lynette: "Because we can't escape the fact that I have kids? I love my job, but to be fair, there's got to be some balance." Which: true? And yet: still irritating. BB brings up all the people in the office who don't have kids: "Do you ever consider that they might want a little more balance in their lives? Like maybe they...want to go see a matinee, or perhaps they want to come in a little late after a crazy night out. Or maybe they just want to get a haircut, which I myself have not been able to do for two months." As it has been pointed out on the boards, rather exhaustively, BB does have a point, but she might have carried a bigger stick if she'd used better examples of the kinds of things non-parents need the time for. A sick relative, perhaps, or a troubled relationship? Volunteer work? Anything besides a "matinee." Nina: "So no. This is about fairness to the people who are childless by choice. Okay?" Lynette agrees, looking startled at having unleashed such a torrent of vitriol, and heads for the door. But Lynette recovers in time to deliver this parting line: "And I'm sorry about your hair. I can see why you're upset." Zing! BB, halfway to her coffee mug, stops and juts her jaw to the side, like "WHAT did that baby machine just say to me?" Bandaged Stu is in the hallway, and he lurches over to Lynette and tries to shove the conference camera in her mouth. "Open wide!" he yells. Is he drunk? Lynette goes to brush him off, but then...wait a minute! Lynette takes a closer look at the camera.
Cut to Little Big P holding the very same model camera. P says that he doesn't understand. Lynette: "This system is going to let Mommy be with you on your first day of school!" P looks incredibly doubtful, and Lynette says, "The resolution is fantastic."
MAVO: "The day, Gabrielle decided to cheer herself up with another round of window-shopping. But this time, she was taken aback by what was on display." John is out trimming hedges in someone's yard when an older Gabby-type woman comes out of the house and caresses his fine form. Gabby, wearing the most insane hair extension ponytail ever (seriously, it is curling and luxurious and one million miles long, a true "My Little Pony" miracle), gets out of the brand-new Aston Martin and click-clacks over in her high heels and matching pink ultra-mini. She peeks in the window, and we see her reaction shot as we hear some JuicyTM moaning. Gabby backs away, looking all shocked. Her eyes fall upon the hedge-trimmer, and her face lights up.
Sometime later, John and his new ladylove exit the house, pausing at the door to kiss each other a sensual goodbye. When they tear themselves apart, they look up to see that the entire front yard has been denuded of all its roses. Gabby looks on from behind the wheel of her brand-new Aston Martin, then pulls away with a smug smirk playing across her lovely face. Gabby, she is jealous!
Mike is standing at a door with a pot of flowers in his hand. He knocks and...yay, it's Felicia! Oh how we missed you. Poor Felicia looks 110% like hell: her eye is blackened, her face is mottled weirdly like she's recovering from a burn, she's wearing a cast on her arm, and her neck is in brace. Mike tells her he heard she got out of the hospital. (And why didn't he visit her when she was still in the hospital? Why did no one visit her? So weird.) Felicia: "I can't tell you how long it's been since I got flowers from a handsome man." Mike looks kind of bashful, and Felicia continues, "I mean, I could [tell Mike how long it's been since a handsome man brought flowers], but I don't want your pity." Mike notices that Felicia's foyer is filled with luggage, and he asks where she's going. She says she's heading back to Utah "for a few weeks" because her recovery is taking longer than the doctors anticipated. I'm hoping that Cherry etc. will hold to that "few weeks" thing and that she really will return in just a few episodes, because this show is a far better place with Felicia in it. But just as nature's first green is gold, I'm worried that Felicia is just too good for this Wisteria world and that we'll never see her again. Felicia, pointedly: "Speaking of my attack, have they caught young Zachary yet?" Actually, that's really why Mike is there. Felicia: "So the flowers were just a ruse. Figures." Mike: "I'm trying to find Zach before he gets into more trouble. Do you know of any friends that he might have? Anywhere he might be holed up? I know you were close to him." Felicia: "Funny thing: since he beat me and threw me down the stairs, we don't just stay in touch like we should." See? That's the Felicia I love and will miss and miss. A suspicious Felicia wonders why Mike's so fired up about finding Zana, and Mike just says that "it's complicated." Felicia: "I'll bet. I'm sure he's out there trying to find his father. Which I trust you made impossible." Felicia's eyebrow arches meaningfully. Mike: "No, I let Paul go. I couldn't go through with it." Felicia looks disgusted. "That was a mistake," she says dismissively, before moving to go back inside the house. Mike says that running from the law for the rest of his life is punishment enough for CreePaul. Felicia: "Zach is the only connection that Paul has to his dead wife. At some point he will run back here looking for him." After that menacing little speech, she switches abruptly to her peaches-and-cream smile. "I don't like to be negative," she says sweetly, "but you really should have killed him." Felicia closes the door on a consternated Mike.
Bree, Andrew, and Danielle are eating dinner. Bree is sitting at the head of the table, her ass is perched at the very edge of her seat with her back ramrod straight. On another character, I'd say this represents tension, but I think this is how Bree always eats. Andrew and Danielle are sitting along one side of the table, somewhat weirdly: most threesomes would choose to face each other. Maybe they're just not in a chatty mood? Or maybe they're still in their configuration from Rex days? Though even then, the all-along-one-side thing doesn't make much sense. In any case, the Van de Kamps are lined up like the judges at Paula Abdul's stirring "Cold-Hearted Snake" performance. Bree takes a deep breath, clasps her hands together as though in prayer, and breaks the silence: "At the risk of ruining a lovely evening, I have some unpleasant news: the police dug up your father today!" (Continuity oops, as pointed out on the ever-vigilant boards: when last we saw Phyllis, she was coming down to get coffee the morning after they discovered Rex's body was missing, therefore the body couldn't have been exhumed "today.") Andrew: "What?" Danielle: "Why?" Bree explains that the police don't believe that Rex had a heart attack; they think someone was poisoning him. Danielle wonders who would have done such a thing. Suddenly cavalier, Bree laughs, says, "Well apparently I'm a suspect!" She takes a swig of wine. Both Andrew and Danielle give her a look, and she nervously explains that they always look at spouses -- something about statistics. It's just a formality; she'll be cleared in no time. Her children keep looking at her, silently judging. Bree: "Will you two please stop looking at me like that? Obviously, I did not kill your father; I loved him deeply!" Danielle reminds Bree that she and Rex did have a lot of problems, and that everyone knew it. Bree agrees that they had issues, but still insists that she would have never hurt him. Danielle: "What about the night daddy had a second heart attack? You must have loved him a lot to make the bed before taking him to the hospital." Oooh! I'm glad that little item is coming to light, because truly that was a chilling thing -- Breebot smoothing the bedspread as a dying Rex waited for her out on the stairway. ["I saw Marc Cherry on Ellen a few weeks ago, and he said that was based on something his own mother did when his father had a heart attack -- which I'm sure Mrs. Cherry is thrilled the world now knows about her." -- Wing Chun] Bree: "I was in shock, Danielle; you know that." Bree asks if Andrew thinks she murdered Rex, and Andrew tells her that he knows she didn't: "You're not capable of murder." Bree thanks him for saying so. Andrew: "That wasn't a compliment. It takes guts to kill somebody." Well, he would know, having run down Mama Solis himself, but I'm not sure why he's so sure Bree doesn't have the stomach for killing: she had no problem methodically covering up Andrew's killing ways.
Susan is at Betty's house, plinking away at the piano and looking very pleased with herself. Susan thanks Betty so much for changing her mind about the lessons. Betty, in turn, apologizes for possibly seeming rude before. "I was having a bad day," she says, and the way she says it is almost like a question, like surely no one will believe this excuse? Susan blithely plays on, and Betty murmurs some encouragements, but advises Susan to let up on the pedaling. Susan thinks that the pedal makes her playing seem dramatic. Betty: "It doesn't." Susan keeps playing, then small-talks: "Boy, your son really likes to play his hip-hop music loud." Betty: "The good news is that it drowns out the...dryer." And, again, the way she says "dryer" is so totally "who the hell would believe this?" that it's funny. Downstairs, Matthew is flanked by a beatbox that is blasting, I believe, the song from the white-girl-learns-to-dance montage of Shall We Dance. But Matthew is not even listening to this hip-hop, what with the earplugs he's wearing. Rather, he is drilling in additional layers of security into the door to Basement Buddy's lair.
Julie is at Edie's house, and the two ladies are practicing their Christian jamboree number. Julie has a pitch pipe, and also a really nice singing voice! Really, it's one of those voices that makes the person who owns it seem instantly more attractive (though I do think they're also doing something new and nice to Julie's hair this season). Edie's couch is very "Z Gallerie," all velvety and purple. Also: I guess they finally finished with the construction on her house? Julie comes to the end of the song, and Susan breezes into the room, clapping for Julie's performance. Edie's face goes from bright smile to furrowed frown in .0002 seconds. Susan apologizes for letting herself in; she knocked, but apparently they didn't hear her? Edie: "No, we heard you, we were just hoping that whoever was would go away...I'm still hoping that'll happen." Julie, trying to steer the conversation away from the bickering, jumps in: "What's up?" Susan has good news! She's been taking piano lessons with Betty Applesmite, and she thought that maybe the Julie-and-Edie duo could make room for a third: "Doesn't that sound fun?" Fun? The last time Susan saw Edie, she ran over her tibia: I don't think they're quite at the "fun" stage. Edie says she doesn't do trios, but shoots Susan a nice, bright "Thanks anyway!"
Well, Susan doesn't "mean to be technical," but the show is supposed to be a "family thing," and as much as Susan hates to say it, Edie is not family. Susan? You are the worst. Even if your maternal instinct lets you down, as yours so clearly has, there are books about how to make the complications of divorce as easy as possible on the children. And the methodology does not involve pitting your kid against the new girlfriend. Edie admits that she is not family, but she has talent, "and to most audiences, talent trumps family." Why is it, Susan wonders, that Edie assumes Susan doesn't have talent? Edie does a little "I-dunno" sort of hum, and says it's "just a hunch." Dismayed, Julie watches on as the two cats sharpening their claws. Susan: "Yeah, well, we've all seen your talent," she leans in closer to Edie and hisses, "which is a nice way of telling you why don't you put some curtains on your bedroom window!" Julie tries to interrupt, but Edie swings back: "Come on, be honest: you didn't want any part of this until you found out I was involved." Susan denies it! Edie takes another jab, saying it just burns Susan that Julie picked Edie over her! Susan yells that Julie didn't "pick" Edie; it just never occurred to her daughter that she could ask Susan. Susan: "Well, now she knows. And if she had it to do over, she'd pick me!" Edie is pretty sure Julie wouldn't. Susan: "Well, why don't we put it a the test. Julie? Who would you rather have play with you?" Oh, SUSAN. Julie: "Oh, no. No, no, no." Susan says it's okay, Julie just has to say who she would want with her in the family talent show. Edie: "Yes! Who do you want with you in front of allll of those people? And remember, it's a church! They are going to be judging you." Ha ha. Julie looks at the two women, totally aghast. Julie: "First of all, you both suck." Yes! But if she had to choose (and really, I don't think she has to: her voice is great -- good enough to avoid this whole shitstorm and go a capella), she guesses she would pick her mother. Julie apologizes to Edie, who says, "Fair enough," but then demands that Julie return her pitch pipe.
Gabby comes out to get her mail, and there is Gardener John, all: "It was you!" Apparently, someone witnessed an Aston Martin driving away from the scene of the rosebush job. Gabby: "Well, someone had to tend to the yard. You were busy elsewhere." Gardener John: "You saw us?" Yes, Gabby saw them! And she's disgusted: that other woman is old enough to be Gardener John's mother -- old enough to be Gabby's mother, even! GJ says that "Joan is only forty-one!" The fact that GJ uses the woman's first name sends Gabby into new fits of ire. GJ defends his use of the "Joan" word because the woman is his friend. Gabby doesn't think GJ would do what she saw him doing to that "wrinkly old lady" to someone he considers just a friend, nuh uh! GJ wonders what the big deal is. Gabby: "You're supposed to be in love with me!" Oh, Gabby, this is sad. And she doesn't stop there: "How many times did you say it, how many times did you whisper it in my ear, 'you're the only woman I'll ever love'?" GJ isn't sure how many times he said it, but he concedes that it's certainly "a bunch." So what, Gabby wonders; was GJ lying to her? Just to get her in bed? GJ says of course that isn't why he said those things, but that they broke up! (Too true.) Gabby: "Yeah, like FIVE MINUTES AGO! Haven't you ever heard of a mourning period?" Hasn't Gabby ever heard of rebound sex? Or the libido of teenaged boys? GJ knows it may seem rather sudden, the rapidity with which he has moved on, but that he actually has feelings for this woman: "In fact, I think I may be in love with her." Gabby grabs her stomach. GJ worriedly asks if it's the baby, which is exactly what I thought, too: "Oh my god, it's a miscarriage," I yelled at the screen. But no. Gabby: "Oh no, no, no, it's me. I am beyond stupid." GJ tries to soothe her by denying that she is stupid, but Gabby insists: "Yesterday I was still fantasizing that it could work with you -- that a one-bedroom apartment might be cozy." GJ: "Mrs. Solis, please!" Gabby: "Oh my god. I almost left my husband for someone who calls me 'Mrs. Solis'!" Yeah, even Joan gets a first name. GJ sits down to Gabby on the porch and struggles to figure out what Gabby's driving at: "Are you upset because you want to get back together? Because I can break up with Joan..." Ha! Joan, who three seconds ago GJ was maybe in love with? Gabby: "That's okay, sweetie, I'm good." GJ gets up and says, "So this is it for us? Because I really feel like we should end it better than this." Gabby: "Actually, given how stupid both of us have been? This is an entirely appropriate ending." GJ leaves, and Gabby sighs sadly as she watches Dear John go.
Meanwhile, at the hall of justice: Bree, still wearing that turdy little bun, is going to put everyone's suspicions to rest: she wants the police to give her a lie-detector test! And yes, she'll absolutely waive her right to have a lawyer present, just as long as her children are allowed to watch her take the test.
, we see Bree in a cinderblock cell, a gizmo clipped to her pointer finger. A man is asking her mundane questions -- what is her name? Was she married to Rex? Did she temporarily separate from Rex last year? -- and watching the results on a laptop. The policeman, Danielle, and Andrew look on through a two-way mirror. Lie Man: "Did you kill your husband?" Bree, emphatically: "No." Bree looks at the laptop screen and sees that her reply made not a blip on the graph. It's odd, I think, to have the subject be able to see the results while the test is being conducted. I'm no scientist, nor am I a policeman, private detective, or pastry chef, but it seems like self-observed results might interfere with the overall validity of the test? Bree looks very happy that the detector has cleared her of murder (though I'm pretty sure that polygraph results aren't submissible in a court of law ["My many thousands of hours of viewing the Law & Order franchise confirm your suspicions." -- Wing Chun]). , the lie-man asks if Bree knows a man named George Williams. This throws Bree for a second, but she answers, "Yes." Lie Man: "During your separation from your husband, did you have a relationship with Mr. Williams?" Bree insists that George is none of their business. The observing policeman goes into the room: "If you want us to take this polygraph seriously, answer the questions we ask, okay?" He leaves the room, and the lie-detecting resumes. In the foreground, Danielle asks Andrew who George Williams is. "He's our pharmacist," Andrew tells her. I guess he never told his sister about how he saw Bree on a date with George. Bree tells the detector "yes," she did have a relationship with George. Lie Man: "Are you in love with Mr. Williams?" Bree gives a startled "What?" And really, that's a pretty ambiguous question. There are so many different ways a person can love someone: gently, savagely, frequently, upside-down.... Bree answers "No" and Lie Man makes a notation on his notepad. Bree looks at the screen and sees that it's spiking wildly. Panicked, she asks the man for a do-over. Again, she denies that she loves George, and again the machine calls her a liar. Danielle asks Andrew whether he saw those results, and indeed he did. So it's settled: Bree loves George! Bree looks in the direction of her children, her face full of shock, regret, and confusion. Actually, I think the whole "neurotic woman unsure of who or what she wants" market is totally ripe for a lie-detector craze.
Susan walks up just as Betty is getting out of the car with a pot of flowers in her hand. Susan's ready for her lesson, and she's ready to make another push for permission to use the "drama pedal": "I think it adds grandeur." What the hell is Susan babbling about? Suddenly, we hear some frantic honking off screen, and then Karl screeches up in his cherry-red convertible. "I want to talk to you!" he yells at Susan. Leaving his car pretty much in the middle of the street, he dismounts and starts right in. Karl cannot BELIEVE that Susan kicked Edie out of Julie's performance! Susan claims, rather snottily, that Julie made that call. Karl: "Because you played the mom card!" Susan falls back on her main excuse -- that this really is a family recital, and Edie does not equal family. Karl counters that she very well could be, someday, and Susan tells him not even to joke about such things. This whole time, Betty is kind of hiding with her head in the open window of her car, almost as though she's contemplating crawling in. Karl: "How about your plumber-slash-convicted murderer, huh? He keeps popping up at [airquote]family[airquote] events!" Well played, Karl! You are swiftly becoming my new favorite character on the show. Susan: "It wasn't murder, it was manslaughter." Plus the situations aren't even remotely the same! Mike isn't living with Susan, and also? He cares about Julie. Karl: "Well, so does Edie! She was really looking forward to performing with Julie!" Susan yells that if Karl thinks Edie cares about anyone besides Edie, he is "living in a fool's paradise." Is Susan sure she isn't talking about herself, here? Because she really is the most self-centered person on this show. Besides Lynette. And Gabby. Susan goes on: "You don't know [Edie] the way I do, and the only reason she's interested in Julie is to mess with my head!" Karl gives a strange choked chortle, and then says: "That's both crazy and self-absorbed. A two-fer!" Karl! You speak for my brain, for which I thank you with much heartiness. Karl stalks off, turning to yell at Susan that Julie and Edie are great together: "And if you don't believe me, ask Julie." He peels out, and Susan tells Betty that she's sorry she had to witness that. Betty: "That's okay, hon. I have lived my share of family knock-down drag-outs." Susan: "Well, I hope it wasn't as ugly as me and Karl." Betty, bemusedly: "You'd be surprised." That was kind of a good scene!
Lynette is at the office, and her laptop's all set to teleconference with P, but -- what the hell? -- Bossy Boobs wants her to come join the staff meeting! I'm not sure why Lynette thought that Project Teleconference solved the conflict of her having to be in the meeting that morning, but whatever. Lynette tries stalling, but BB yells, "Now, now, now, now!" at her. Lynette nods and pretends to jot something in her notebook. BB backs out of Lynette's office to yell at some minion that her coffee's cold. Lynette tells P and Mom Tom, whose puzzled visages fill her screen, that's she's going to be "right back." We hear P say "Mommy?" just as Lynette trots off.
In the meeting: someone brings BB a hot cup of coffee, and she instructs everyone to "turn to page five." Lynette pretends to have lost her prospectus and runs back to her desk, where she learns that P is upset because Lynette left just as he was about to cyber-show her his cubby. Just then, bandage-face Stu bursts in, saying that BB found extra copies of the prospectus and wants Lynette back in the meeting NOW, NOW, NOW! BB is a bitch. And Lynette is an imbecile. Teleconferencing? Why not just call in sick for the day? Lynette tells her husband and son that she'll be back in "two seconds." This time, as she leaves, Parker yells, "Mommy, mommy, don't goooooo!"
Back in the meeting, Lynette's feet are jittering with irritation. As sneakily as possible, Lynette stands and heads for the door. BB stops the meeting and asks Lynette where she's going. Lynette says that nature is calling. BB: "Lynette? Hold it for ten minutes. We have to get through this." I'd watch my step, BB: a boss telling an employee to hold her water seems like a plea for a lawsuit to me. Lynette goes to say something else, and BB leans in like a dog gearing up for some hot, jugular action. Lynette smiles and scuttles back to her chair. BB says some stuff about charts and graphs, takes a sip of her coffee, and puts her cup down half on a notepad, half on the table, so it's now very precariously perched. MAVO: "Lynette had been struggling to balance her career and her family. She finally saw an opportunity to tip the scales in her favor." BB makes some point about "billing on delivery," and Lynette yells "YES!" and SLAPS the desk hard both hands, as though in a fever of agreement. The coffee cup shakes a bit, but doesn't tip, so she does it again. "Bill on delivery," SLAP! "YES!" The cup jumps again but still doesn't fall. Bossy asks Lynette if she is perhaps "having a seizure?" Lynette says no, she's just really excited about the "bill on delivery" plan. Everyone looks at Lynette as though she's crazy. I don't really think Lynette's striking the best balance between work and family here. Anyway, Lynette tips the table over with her knee, the coffee goes right in Bossy's lap, and she screams. Annnd: meeting adjourned!
Cut to Lynette, cooing into her computer, "That's why we packed you extra cookies -- so you could share with all your new friends!" P looks very happy, even though they apparently make him wear a tie at his kindergarten, and Tom says that "they're good to go now." Lynette tells P him she loves him and blows him kisses -- mwah, mwah! Then she hits some key and the screen goes dark. Smugly, Lynette leans back in her chair and spins herself around. Then she notices, through the great glass office walls, that BB is sitting out at the reception desk (for some very weird reason...wouldn't the bathroom or even her own office be more private?), icing her thighs. There's a whole crowd of people around her, and she looks blisteringly mad. I wonder if she's going to put two and two together and realize that Lynette's odd behavior was all leading up to the thigh scalding? Lynette looks a little guilty. As well she should!
Bree goes to see George at the pharmacy. George smiles hugely, and asks her what he can do for her. Bree: "Well, for starters, you can help me prove the police that we didn't conspire to kill my husband!" George's smile slooowwwly slides off his face, and he gives a pretty funny little "okay." Has George been Queer Eye-ed? Because his hair looks somehow normal this season.
Cut to George and Bree talking softly in the greeting cards section. Bree is telling George about the "anomalies in Rex's blood" and how they got the police thinking that Bree had poisoned him. George: "That's absurd, lots of things can cause high potassium levels: renal failure...low sodium." Which is exactly why Bree took the polygraph! George: "Obviously you passed." Bree, uncomfortably: "Well...sort of." She tells him that now the police seem to have a different theory: if she wasn't poisoning Rex on her own, maybe George was helping her. That would be an awesome snag for George -- if he got caught because of the police's suspicions about Bree. George, laughing very calmly (is he dipping into the pharmacy's pill supply?): "You're kidding!" Bree is most definitely not. In fact, she wants George to take the polygraph too. Finally, the manic neon happiness on his face fades just a bit. George doesn't get it: "Why would the police assume that people in a platonic relationship would want to murder someone?" You're getting warmer, George! Bree, looking even more uncomfortable, starts sorting some of the cards on the shelf: "Um...during the test, they asked me some questions about you and...um...us, about whether we had a relationship, and I said yes, because it's true. And then they asked me something else -- something I hadn't considered." George urges Bree to keep talking, and Bree tells him that the police asked her if she loved George. George asks her what answer she gave, and she tells him that she said "no." His weird rubber face -- which is becoming more and more unreal-looking as this scene progresses -- crumples just a tad. Bree: "But according to the polygraph, that wasn't exactly true." George's face lights up with the delicate promise and excitement of a baby bird stretching its wings for its very first flight. Not quite able to trust himself to hope, George offers, "I don't know if that means anything; polygraphs aren't really reliable." Bree thinks that perhaps the machine picked up on something -- something that she didn't even know herself. Which is why it's so important for George to take the lie detector test: "Because I'm not going to know exactly how I feel until we put this behind us, but then once we do --" George finishes her thought: "We can move on." The patented Desperate Housewives ominous music swells, and George smiles. I'm pretty sure there was a silent "to the bedroom" at the end of George's statement.
At the church jamboree, three dancing sisters in matching purple, green, and yellow flapper outfits are exiting the stage. The super-enthusiastic announcer lady says that there's going to be juice and cookies set up in the basement after the show, but first? The musical stylings of Julie and Susan Mayer! Edie and Karl are in the audience. Edie's clapping enthusiastically and Karl has his video camera out. Susan sees that Edie is clearly there to support Julie and gets a sick look on her face. Julie gets situated in front of the mic, Susan sits down at the piano, and...nothing. Susan is just sitting there, staring at Edie. After squirming there a few moments, Susan gets up and tells the audience the she just needs a few seconds: "So feel free to pray." She skittles over to Edie. Susan: "The other day when I saw you making music with my family, I got a little jealous and went a little crazy, and I pushed you out. But seeing you sitting here, today...well, I can see how much you care about Julie. And she comes first. And it should be you up there playing with her and not me. So...I'm sorry." Yes, I sure can see why Susan loves that "drama pedal." Karl, sarcastically: "Thank you, Susan." Susan starts to return to the stage, clearly thinking she's made her amends and that everything is right with the world. Edie, loud enough for all the church to hear: "How convenient that you decided this after I showed up without my guitar." Susan blusters out a little additional "sorry...wish it could be you up there," all cute. Edie: "You know I play piano?"
Cut to the mondo-enthusiastic MC: "So let's all welcome Julie Mayer and her aunt Edie!" Karl, now with Susan sitting to him, tells Susan that she did a good thing. Susan says that she tries, but her expression is strained: doing the right thing is very uncomfortable for Susan. Edie's piano starts up, and it sounds good at first...but then there are a few strange notes, and soon it becomes apparent that she can't play at all. Julie struggles along with the song, but it sounds pretty bad. Julie glares at Edie, who sighs and says, "Give me a break! This thing has like ninety flats in it!" Susan to Karl: "Poor Julie." Karl, putting down his camera: "Stop it, you're loving this." For a second, I think he may be wrong -- maybe Susan is feeling parental sadness over the embarrassment of her daughter. But then, no. Susan leans over and lifts Karl's camera back into position. That's our selfish, selfish Susan!
Back at the slammer, Gabby is waiting in the visiting room. Carlos enters, and wearily says they told him she needed to see him. Gabby, clearly distraught: "I've been thinking. You know, about, um, everything that happened with John and...I was really selfish, and stupid, and I'm sorry. I really am sorry." Heartfelt music swells, and Carlos, with a big sigh, says, "You know what? That is the best anniversary gift that you have ever given me." Gabby, through her tears: "Actually, the one you gave me is really nice, too." Carlos gives a small "huh" look, and...scene. Nicely done, Gabby.
And it's time for the MAVO summary! "Everyone enjoys a game of make-believe now and then. Of course, the ways in which we play can vary greatly." We see the girls from the endless tea scene at the top of the show, still with their fantasy tea. "Sometimes we tell ourselves work won't interfere with our family." Lynette sits at her desk at work and looks at a photo of herself hugging Little Big P. (Does she have individual photos of all her kids on her desk?) "Sometimes we imagine certain relationships to be more meaningful than they really are." Gabby jogs past Gardener John as he gardens someone's lawn, and he looks wistfully after her retreating form. "Occasionally we put on a show, as if to convince ourselves our secrets really aren't really all that terrible." The Appleplights assemble yet another plate of food for the Basement Buddy, and Matthew pulls out the gun. "Yes, the game of make-believe is a simple one." George is getting lie-detected as the policeman and Bree looks on. Lie Man asks George if he knew Rex Van De Kamp, and he says he did. Did Mrs. Van De Kamp ask him to poison Rex? No, she did not. Did George poison Rex? No he didn't. This bald-faced lie registers nary a blip on the polygraph. Huh. Either George is a psychopath, or he's insanely sedated, or he...has no pulse? MAVO: "You start by lying to yourself. And if you can get others to believe those lies, you win." George smiles directly at Bree through the two-way mirror. How does he do it? How did he know exactly where she would be standing?! George is a magic man. A crazy, crazy magic man.
week: George sends Andrew to his room, Gabby causes a prison riot, and Susan has something weird on her face.