So get this shit: Susan's entire storyline in this episode is about how she's sooo lucky that people are constantly dropping dead all around her, while she does things like benefit from their suicides and fall into their potted plants. Her dialysis buddy Dick finally kicks the bucket, and somehow bequeaths her his gambling problem, so then Susan spends the entire episode gambling, winning and crying. Just when you think maybe she's going to develop a gambling problem or something cool like that, she finds a way to cry her ass off and talk about herself to a mind-numbing degree, something to the effect of, "Why is God such an asshole that I keep coming up roses when I deserve to be murdered one hundred different ways in slow motion?" And the show is like, "God is a mysterious fucker that way."
Bree's had Andrew in AA for the last month, and now he's decided to tell Carlos that he killed his mom back in Season One. Even though that is totally not what happened, everybody acts like it's the end of the world and eventually Carlos and Andrew just coincidentally take a hunting trip together, so Gabi and Bree head on up there so that Carlos doesn't murder Andrew in the woods, and eventually Bree's the one that tells Carlos about the running over of his mom, and Carlos gets "intense" and it's sort of unbearably dumb, and then eventually Carlos forgives Andrew... But not Bree, who was a grownup who covered up her kid's hit-and-run. End result: Bree and Gabi are forbidden from being friends anymore, as if they have had a single scene together all season.
Renee teaches Lynette to be a rich bitch, but Tom cares more about his hot new job than he does about Lynette's money-jacked libido, and basically is more in love with his awesome job than with her, which hurts twice as much because of how we're ignoring pretty much any memory that Lynette was ever anything other than an unhappy SAHM. Renee explains to her that when you manipulate your man into a high-earning, high-stakes job so that you can have a bunch of money, your man still has to actually work for his living, and how that's the sad thing about being a whore.
Felicia takes Beth's house away from Paul because he bought it in her name during the big mwah-ha-ha plan that never made sense. Then she invites him to go toss Beth's ashes in some lake, because that is what happens on this show when somebody dies. Guaranteed those ashes are going in a lake. On the trip they sort of start to dig each other and it's kind of heartwarming, and then there's a pretty awesome scene where Felicia demonstrates compassion and the upper moral hand and puts their big feud to an end and holds a gun to his head and tosses it in the lake, it's great.
And then just when you're like, "Did this show just have something classy or large-hearted or remotely kind happen?" They're like, no, Felicia is now talking to the real Beth's ashes about how death is too good for Paul Young, we have fooled you again, this show is just assholes doing mean asshole things for the enjoyment of assholes, like every week.
Watch the episode below, discuss it in our forums, then see what other storylines the show is recycling.
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Because the 12 Steps worked so well for Bree, turning into a normal person with a normal-looking, youthful face, she's helped Andrew come into the fold over the last month, despite his initial misgivings. Of course, he's having trouble -- as anybody on this show full of assholes would -- with Step Eight, despite the cheap-looking 30-Day chip in his hand:
Bree: "I know, right? Who wants to list all the people they've fucked over?"
Bree's Horrible Parenting: "Especially with your shitty gay penmanship?"
Andrew: "No, I am capable of making lists, it's the part where I admit to doing dirt."
Bree, settling into Throne Position: "You may begin."
Andrew: "Oh -- um, awkward -- basically the fact that you tortured me for my sexuality and left me on the side of a road as a child, forcing me into prostitution, puts you pretty low on the list."
Bree, for real: "But once you stole my pocketbook! You owe me your life plus damages plus one thousand cascading apologies!"
Andrew: "I also owe you my chlamydia and about five punches in the nose for the Sam Page thing alone. Let's call it a wash, shall we? My sobriety is never, ever going to be about you. The more you make it about you, the more it actually is about you. Which makes you a sabotreuse."
Bree: "I'd like to know whom else you did wrong, then. It'll be hard to beat 'going through Mommy's pocketbook' and 'being gay just to hurt me.'"
Andrew: "I ran over Carlos Solis's mother while drunk-driving."
Reality: "Yeah, but you didn't kill her. Gabi did. Like three times."
The Show Desperate Housewives: "Zip it! Satchels of gold!"
Bree: "...Okay, but still. How does that stack up to the horrible things you've done to me?"
(Andrew beats it over to the Solis house to fuck everything up, mommy trailing at his heels like usual.)
Andrew: "Carlos, I have something to tell you."
Bree: "Thanks for all those one-on-one camping trips, just the two of you, just my young gay son and your big hairy bearlike body, alone in the woods. That's what he wanted to tell you."
Carlos: "It was my pleasure, little fella."
Bree: "Because of how his real father died getting his nuts stepped on by a whore and then turned out to have a much better son stashed elsewhere, and then my boyfriend let my kid fuck him, and then the one was that godawful Orson, you're pretty much the only father figure he's ever had."
Carlos: "Really, I just like spending time out in nature with young boys."
Andrew: "See, you'd think that would mean something, but no dice."
Bree: "Andrew, do you have anything to add?"
Andrew: "Only that I did my damndest to flip him."
Carlos: "[Some stupid irrelevant gay joke.]"
Andrew: "You see now what I was working with."
(Paul comes home to find that his door is standing wide open. It's been a month since he stupidly gave Susan his dead wife's kidney, so presumably he figures she's the culprit, but no: It's Felicia. If you're keeping score, that's two Tillman sisters who have manipulated his wives into shooting themselves in the damned head.)
Felicia: "Check out my lack of fingers! And how I own this house now!"
Paul: "But I own this house. As well as most of the houses on the block."
Felicia: "But since your whole plan involved buying houses, as well as... other stuff that never actually made sense, you bought this house under my daughter's name, and since she had a will that didn't mention you, it's now mine."
Paul: "Wait, what?"
Felicia: "In Fairview the laws are made-up and make no sense. Roll with it. If the writers are too busy to understand basic shit, why should we? What are you, a Liberal Elite? you'll be saying you can read."
Paul: "Fine, but I'm not too happy about it!"
The Worst Parts Of America: "Yay! Everybody is as stupid as I am! When you don't know anything, everything is up for debate!"
(Felicia shows off her urn of Beth's pretend ashes; Paul Young is impeached from his house even after producing a birth certificate we are too stupid to have heard about.)
Doctor: "Sadly, Susan, your new Krazy Kidney is working just as well as the one that got kicked out of your skeleton body."
Susan, verbatim: "Mike and I have already waited a month. There's not going to be anything normal about [our first post-op sexual encounter]."
Mike Delfino: "And trust me, I've had a lot of post-op sexual encounters."
Susan, verbatim: "I am definitely going to the mall to enjoy the last few hours of my handicap placard."
(Fucking of course you are.)
Susan: "Surely, Doctor, there is a way for me to be ungrateful and unbearable about this."
Doctor: "Luckily, Susan, there is. Your frenemy Dick, from back when you had dialysis six hours a day three times a week, is hurtling towards death. Go shove your kidney in his face."
Susan: "Done."
(Zoom-zoom.)
Dick: "Oh, awesome. Susan Delfino."
Susan: "...And by 'sorry for you' what I mean is, 'Nyah-nyah, cancerface!'"
Dick: "It's always nice when you drop by. How about you get yourself a gambling problem?"
Susan: "That's absolutely the dumbest fucking thing that could happen right now. On the other hand, I will be able to bitch about having no money -- like all season -- while making terrible decisions -- like always -- and possibly feel sorry for myself about all of it."
Dick: "Susan, when your skeleton hand touches me I lose vitality."
Mike Delfino: "Tell me about it."
Dick: (Dies moments after she leaves, his life force coursing through her veins.)
Tom Scavo: "Lynette, you know how I'm such a successful businessman?"
Lynette: "No. That literally has not been the case in the history of this show. In fact numerous plotlines on this show have been about either how I'm better than you at that, plus everything, or about how you regularly fail businesses like a plane inside a tornado inside a grocery store shooting inside a Great White concert."
Tom: "I know, it's great! So here is my hundred thousand-dollar signing bonus."
Lynette: "This show makes less sense than Glee. A show that literally makes zero sense."
Tom: "And yet is thousands of times more enjoyable, somehow."
Tom, verbatim: "[Ten grand of this] is for you to spend on something fun and totally frivolous, like a mink vest or a diamond frisbee."
Lynette: "My new biography as a stay-at-home-mom with no business sense is both intrigued by your offer and afraid of going wild with some cash."
Tom: "Just as long as you sign away any rights to spend time with me for the duration, from now to my inevitable heart attack storyline."
Lynette: "Win/win."
(While Susan acts like trash at the gals' poker game -- "Eat it!" -- Renee realizes that she can now train Lynette to be irresponsible with money. Apparently, both of them are this show's version of gay men this week, given their flighty gay obsession with makeovers and shallow bullshit, but then it's not like this show takes a week off from hating women, either.)
Gabrielle, who is nonetheless awesome the entire episode: "I tried. I tried for years. I couldn't even get her out of flip-flops... Don't do it, she'll break your heart."
(Susan behaves in such a bitchy, gross, characteristic manner that even Bree gets to feel self-righteous about it, to the degree of telling Susan to "eat it" in kind.)
Lynette: "Aw shucks, Renee, I ain't never been in a store this nice before."
Salesperson: "These things are very expensive."
Renee: (Acts the way a sad backwoods queen thinks divas act.)
Lynette: (Buys all the things, then starts acting the way a sad backwoods queen thinks divas act.)
Renee & Lynette: (Even worse and sadder and trashier and Boomer Fags' idea of women than those nasty creatures on Sex & The City, like a cartoon about drag queens dreamed up by one of those people you used to see on the Phoenix University ads.)
Gabrielle: "Hey, Bree! I hope you don't mind, but my big hairy bear of a husband took your recently 'divorced' twink son into the woods for a little one-on-one bonding."
Bree: "Oh no!"
Gabi: "My thoughts exactly."
Bree: "No, not that! It's because he wants to tell Carlos about running over your mother-in-law that time, when it didn't kill her or anything."
Gabi, verbatim and awesome: "Okay, see? This is the problem with sobriety. It ruins lives!"
Bree: "Your husband is going to kill my son! Or fuck him senseless and then kill him!"
Gabi, once again verbatim and awesome: "And Andrew's gay, so it's a hate crime! That's ten more years!"
(Gabi makes sure to let us know she's sticking the girls with Lee for the night, as though any of us would even think to ask at this point; Bree grabs a gun from her house because that's like 85% of her personality.)
Paul & Felicia: "Sorry I'm psychotic and focused only on you and your destruction, for no real reason. Since nobody's thrown anybody's ashes in a lake in the last ten minutes, let's go on a road trip to dispose of the ashes of the woman we drove to suicide together. But I still don't totally trust you."
Susan: "Hey, Dick! I won at poker!"
Dick: (Is dead.)
Susan: "I better go the casino and gamble away all the money I don't have, because Dick died."
Dead Dick: "Dead Dick don't give a fuck, you halfwit."
(Bree and Gabi spend about a thousand years running around Carlos's Stabbin' Cabin thinking that he has chopped Andrew into tiny, sexy pieces, despite the fact that this makes no sense.)
Carlos: "...I'll be right back with the cocoa butter, you sexy little... What are you bitches doing here?"
Bree: "Please don't have chopped my son up into little pieces! It's my fault he ran over your mother, which barely harmed her but suddenly means that he killed her!"
Andrew: "...I'm all soaped up and wet, Mr. Cubmassssss... Mom! What're you doing here?"
Bree: "My bad, Andrew."
Carlos: "You ran over my mother? How could you do this when I was just about to flip?"
Andrew: "I'm really sorry about not killing your mom, Carlos."
Bree: "Let's leave before we ruin this intimate getaway."
Random Park Ranger: "Y'all aren't going anywhere. A tree or something."
Gabi: "I'm just glad to be away from my shitty kids."
Lynette: (Some gross thing about getting some of Tom's abnormal penis up in her guts.)
Renee: "Barf."
Tom: "I will never fuck you again, I've got meetings."
Lynette: "But I'm a stay-at-home mother with no skills or friends or interests! My husband and his abnormally large penis are my only reason for living, now that my firstborn sons have departed our hearth!"
Renee: "Such is the way. You manipulated him into providing for his family, and now you have to pay the price."
Lynette: "It almost sounds like you're saying this is my fault."
Renee: "No, what I'm saying is that we're both whores. All women are whores."
Carlos: "Bree, that was awesome how you sat at my mother's funeral and forgot to tell me your son ran her over."
(He didn't kill her. Gabi chased her out of the house and into Andrew's path because she was going to tell Carlos about how she was cheating with her hot gay gardener, and then engineered her falling off the roof of the hospital to be devoured by roving packs of hospital dogs and ecoterrorists.)
Gabi: "Juanita was a bitch anyway."
Carlos: "Let's drink to my mother, Mr. Thirty Days Sober."
Bree: "That's really unsporting."
Carlos: "We're not friends, so shut up, and I was already planning on getting him drunk anyway."
Gabi: "Okay, eyes on me, because a little of this 'flipper' thing goes a long way: I totally was involved in this cover up. Now will you look at me like a husband looks at a wife?"
(Instead, Carlos runs out into the forest. Rain glistens on his hairy, beefy bearlike body. Andrew thinks more about that, and then more about drinking, while Gabi presumably stares into space and drools like all pretty women do when not being looked at by men. Bree tidies the place up.)
(Lynette pays off the pilot of Tom's private jet -- which I'm so sure -- so that she can try and grind some corn on the way to his meeting; Tom admits that this job fulfills him even more than sex with Lynette. Even more than motherhood. Eventually Lynette climbs off his face and feels sorry for herself and realizes she manipulated more than she could chew and just possibly is a whore, like all women are.)
(Susan runs into McCluskey's husband at the casino and they enjoy some casual misogyny while giving away their fixed incomes to the casino, like idiots.)
Felicia: "Beth would find it hilarious how we're off on a ceremonial picnic together, given that we used her as a pawn in an unending revenge game that barely makes sense and eventually drove her to suicide. She had a dark sense of humor and a relationship with irony."
Paul: "I barely knew her, really. I bought her on the internet and then threatened her into letting me fuck her, then threw her out of the house."
Felicia: "We have a lot in common."
Paul: "Anyway, you're right. This is nice, just being with you."
Felicia: "Hey Paul, old pal, could you pass me the Pringles and also, while you're down there, could you tell me the details of how you beat my sister to death with a blender?"
Paul: "Why Felicia, old chum, I'd be happy to."
(Felicia pays tribute to this "end the cycle of revenge" idea that, on any other show, would actually hold water, but on this show for assholes means nothing; Paul fondles a gun and who knows what anybody's up to.)
Susan, verbatim: "Well, I lost my $50, but I ate my weight in shrimp."
Roy: "That's like five shrimp."
Susan: "Nope, less. They were jumbo. That's how you roll at a casino, a.k.a. the trashiest fucking place on earth."
Asian Stereotype: "Why are you crying every time you win?"
Susan: "I got a crazy lady's kidney and then Dick died and I didn't die."
Roy: "Then again, why the fuck are you crying?"
Susan: "I don't know if you've ever met me, but I'm the worst."
Roy: "Here's a story from my days in Korea. A guy died and I was like, 'How come?' and then Father Mulcahy was like, 'Who the fuck knows, war is no place for God.'"
Susan: "So you're saying I should just dance on the graves of Beth and Dick?"
Roy: "Who are Beth and Dick?"
Susan: "What were we talking about? Were you even in Korea?"
Roy: "You'd better take me home, Susan."
Susan: "Look, one of us needs to know what the fuck is going on."
(They die together in the casino, two skeletons with gray-haired, low-hanging scrota, simply unable to pull it together.)
(Felicia discusses the ash-dumping site with the urn to a degree that creeps Paul out. Then she pulls a gun on him, delivers a short speech about the cycle of violence, and tosses the gun in the lake -- along with her daughter -- as a big symbolic gesture. Paul falls for her shit once again.)
Gabi: "Lee, where are my daughters? And if you say they died, I want you to know that's okay and I won't hold it against you."
The Less Awesome Gay One: "[Gay nonsense gay nonsense gay nonsense.]"
Gabi: "[Ditto.]"
(Upshot: Carlos made it home from the woods but then has left town again for some reason. Gabi gives her daughters back to Lee, who didn't ask for any of this.)
(Felicia has a full-on convo with the ashes of her dead daughter, not the pretend ashes this whole episode was about. It's all very soapy and Shakespearian. Essentially, Paul getting shot in the forest is not good enough, so this storyline is going to go on forever and ever. Hopefully Felicia will continue to talk to the ashes of her dead daughter about it, at length, and people will finally realize how this show has gone full retard.)
Bree: "Carlos, I'm glad you didn't die after running off into the forest!"
Carlos: "No prob."
Bree: "And thanks for not killing my kid."
Carlos: "Are you kidding? Andrew's great."
Andrew: "That's nice to hear you say. I think you're pretty great too, if you know what I mean. So anyway, I just wanted to make amends..."
Bree: "-- Don't hit my kid! It was all my fault!"
Andrew: "Mother."
Bree: "Sorry, I'm horrible. Go on."
Andrew: "Sorry for running over your mom that time, even though it was mostly Gabrielle's fault, and it was Gabrielle that eventually killed her."
Carlos: "No big deal, little guy. Come here and let me hold you tight."
Andrew: "I like how you smell."
Carlos: "Tighter. Yeah."
Bree: "Soooo. Thanks for not killing my kid. I'm glad it's all bygones."
Carlos: "Um, no. You covered up important facts in the injury and death of my mother, for no real reason. Ya still burnt."
Bree: "But Carlos!"
Carlos: "Unless you can convincingly act the part of a strapping young man being introduced to the outdoors for the first time, you can get the hell of my porch."
Gabi: "But Carlos!"
Carlos: "Gabrielle, you're not allowed to be friends with Bree anymore."
Gabi: "You can't tell me what to do!"
Carlos: "Have you ever seen this show before?"
This Show: "He's right. Even if this plot continues into week, which is a crap shoot, the best you can hope for from this show is that if you defy your husband's will, you will only be threatened with gang-rape, not actually gang-raped. But since he's gone ahead and made this an official decree, since he's actually forbade you, on the very outside you're looking at at least aggravated robbery, if not yet another miscarriage."