By DeAnn Welker
This week, we get the teeniest, tiniest glimpse into what happened on Wisteria Lane in the five years that passed while we were on hiatus. And it's actually really fun. Here's what happened: When Orson went away and Danielle took Benjamin, Bree started hitting the (white wine) bottle, and Katherine saved her from herself -- which is why she's unwilling to just hire Orson with no regard for Katherine's feelings. Gaby got pregnant! Twice! Did you know that? Oh, right, we did know that. But we find out they were unexpected, unwanted pregnancies and that Carlos was supposed to have had a vasectomy (he didn't; he wants a boy someday). Susan initiated divorce proceedings with Mike, but she made a last-ditch effort to keep him from signing divorce papers; when he didn't, she hooked up with her hot painter, Jackson, the day, insisting things stay casual. Oh, and Tom tried to do some electrical work at the pizzeria, proving once again he's incapable of handling things himself by actually causing his heart to stop. This led to a desire to have more in life, which led to the car and the garage band and, now, a desire to sell the pizza place and travel for a year in an RV.
All of these flashbacks take place as the gang is preparing to throw a surprise 70th birthday party for Mrs. McCluskey, planned and organized by Edie and Creepy Dave, but at Susan's house. Creepy Dave wanted to have the party so that he could get sneak into Mrs. McC's house, move stuff around, and make her look crazy for calling him out on it -- his "Why would I do something like that" in front of everyone followed by the world's creepiest smile at Mrs. McC when no one else was looking convinced me that Neal McDonough has an Emmy nomination in his future. Or that he's bi-polar. I'm not sure which.
In the end, half of the housewives work things out: Gaby agrees to use condoms for now and maybe have a baby later; and Orson tells Katherine he won't be partner until she is okay with it, since she did so much for him and Bree. The other two have less success: Tom doesn't want to keep working at the pizza place and doesn't come to bed when Lynette asks, after she dashes yet another of his dreams; and Jackson ends up leaving Susan when she won't say their relationship has a future. Creepy Dave is successful, though: Everyone is convinced Mrs. McC has lost it, and she ends up taken away in an ambulance. He actually ends up telling her he's sorry it had to be her, but she couldn't be snooping into things because she's right: He is up to something. Although when she says he's up to something awful, Creepy Dave gets teary-eyed and says she doesn't know what awful is. And then Mary Alice tells us there is one man Creepy Dave has it out for (duh! We already know this! It's Mike.) And I am now fully convinced that the mother and child who were killed in Susan and Mike's accident were Creepy Dave's wife and baby. It's way too obvious, but I just don't see how anything else could make sense.
Check back on Tuesday for our full weecap and discuss this episode with other fans in our forums.
Previously: Bree was an alcoholic (man, we are going way back, aren't we?). Orson wanted to work with Bree. Creepy Dave was a rageaholic, and Mrs. McCluskey was onto him. He planted the seeds of Mrs. McC becoming a senile old bat.
We open on balloons and a "Happy Birthday" banner, as Mary Alice tells us how wonderful this party could have gone if it weren't for... well, everything. In fact, I could sum this whole thing up much more quickly than she does in this hour by saying: It could have been a fun party if it were anywhere but Wisteria Lane. Unfortunately, everyone here is crazy. The end. Oh, I'm kidding, of course. I'll keep going. Mary Alice tells us that instead of being this fun party, the night was full of surprises. The camera pans to Lynette and Tom fighting about why she won't just give him a little support. She does the best thing ever, and if I didn't love my husband so much, I would totally want to use this someday: She tells him she'll get him a towel, and when he's puzzled about this, she throws her drink in his face. So supportive. Across the party, Jackson wants to confirm that it wouldn't bother Susan if he was with another woman. She says it would definitely not, so he walks over to Katherine and kisses her. It's not passionate or anything, and actually sort of icky, so I don't know why this would bother Susan, but the look on her face tells us it does. (I am guessing it doesn't bother Katherine, though.) Gaby and Carlos are there, too, and also in a fight: He's sorry he lied, and feels terrible for doing it; she calls him a selfish son-of-a-bitch and pushes him over. I'm not sure it's ever okay to push over a blind person, but it made me laugh. Who knew Gaby and Carlos were the new Abbott and Costello? Then there's Orson and Bree: He's putting her in an impossible situation, which he simplifies by asking for a divorce. And then Mrs. McC shows up at the party with a bat -- greeted by "Surprise!" so we know the party's for her -- and swings for Creepy Dave, but instead smashes the cake. Yikes! Some party.
We flash back to just before the party. Gaby's at home, checking her period calendar in front of a mirror (um, does anyone really keep a period calendar? I mean, not that I want to know or anything if you do, but I really hope you don't; unless you're trying to have a baby) and realizes she's late. She explains this all to Plot Device/viewer stand-in Juanita, who wants a baby brother, so she'd love if Mommy's "friend" would please not visit. Gaby looks in the mirror and flashes back even further, to when she was hot Gaby in a sexy red dress and bright red lipstick. They've done a good job changing the way Eva Longoria Parker looks this season, because the difference in this flashback was so stark I sort of felt like I couldn't focus my eyes or that they had someone else playing flashback Gaby. Anyway, she finds out she's pregnant and smacks the doctor. She thought she couldn't have a baby, and "this is a disaster," because of Carlos's blindness mostly. Oh, and the unemployment. When Gaby tells Carlos the news, he's thrilled, and since this means he'll need a job, he decides to become a masseur. She says it's more than that, though; she thought God didn't want her to be a mom. Carlos tells her it's a miracle, and they should celebrate.
Then we flash forward, but not far enough forward to be in the present (bear with me here; the timeline's confusing), and Gaby's finding out she's pregnant with Celia. Not happy again. She doesn't know how another "miracle" could happen, and is mad at Carlos for talking her out of using a condom. So she forces him to get a vasectomy. Back in the present, she tells Carlos about her late period as they walk to the party. She's going to talk to Bob at the party, because he's a lawyer, and the vasectomy doctor clearly botched the job, but Carlos talks her out of it by finally admitting he didn't actually have the vasectomy. Ooh! What a shock. I didn't see that coming at all. They show up at Susan's, who opens the door and greets them right as Gaby gets this shocking news from Carlos.
Flashback to another mirror in another home, where Susan's doing her eyebrows when Jackson walks in to get ready for the party. He couldn't find his pants at home, because he can't remember where anything is at his house. Really? You can't remember where you keep your pants at your house? Man, Jackson, you really are just a pretty face, aren't you? Or ... he's lying, because he uses this as a way to tell Susan he'd like to move in, please. She looks shocked, and then looks in the mirror and flashes back to the day she met Jackson. He's apparently auditioning to be her painter, and almost loses the gig when he sits on her bed and is nice to her. Because she's full of herself, she assumes this is his way of coming onto her, but when he tells her off, she decides he can have the job. Reverse psychology! Works every time!
thing we know we're in a law office where Susan and Mike are signing divorce papers. Susan's having second thoughts, and Mike can't believe this, considering she's the one who called the lawyer. Susan knows the accident is the only problem in their relationship, and thinks they can get back to how it was before that. I HATE that she says, "We were Mike and Susan, remember?" Because "Mike and Susan" really means nothing. It's not like they're freaking Ross and Rachel. Or even Brian and Justin. Mike and Susan could be any couple on any street in any town in the country. Anyway, Mike thinks the way to make things right is to sign, so he does and walks out. Susan arrives home afterwards, and Jackson's painting. They make small talk about paint, then she offers him scotch. thing we know, they're in bed together after having sex. He tells her he doesn't want anything from her other than the sex. She thinks that's a fantastic idea, and he can't believe it. He's like, "Um, hello? Have you met me? I'm super hot?" Or maybe it was me who said that. Oh, and we find out Jackson has a dog, but considering how kids come and go on this show, I'm thinking that a dog will never be seen or heard from again. Susan does want one thing from Jackson, though: Call her "Susan" time they have sex instead of "Mrs. Meyer." Ha! And weird.
Back in the present, Jackson wants to know if Susan heard him about moving in. She did, but she's not thrilled. He's all cheesy romantic, saying he's never felt like this before. But since Susan has felt this way (she's been married a time or two already, after all), she says no. She doesn't know why he'd want to change everything, and he says it's because he loves her. Right then, she answers the door and welcomes Gaby and Carlos to the party. See how it's awkward for both couples right before they greet? That's going to be a theme.
Speaking of themes, here's another mirror: Lynette's preparing for the party by checking for gray hairs. She wants Penny to come inside before the party, but Penny's sitting in Tom's convertible. Penny's out there because she's afraid her dad's going to die, since Porter and Preston were fighting over who would get Tom's car when he dies. Lynette assures her Tom's okay. But as soon as Penny goes inside, Lynette drifts into her memory of showing up at the hospital after Tom had received a massive shock while working on an electrical panel at the restaurant, stopping his heart. Tom's okay (obviously, since we know he's alive in the present), but when he wakes up in the hospital, he tells Lynette he doesn't want to die just a pizza shop owner on the floor of his restaurant. He wants more, and she agrees they can find more. But she's probably just placating him.
Flash forward just a little and Tom pulls up in front of the house in his shiny red convertible He tells her he's been dreaming about it since he was 12 and had a poster of it on his wall. Lynette points out she had a poster of Shaun Cassidy on her wall at that age, but she's not driving around in him (whatever that means, Lynette; you could have at least made it a funny euphemism for the sake of the weecap). Tom shows Lynette his hospital wristband, which he carries in his wallet to remind him of the day he almost died. He reminds her that she told him they'd find more that day, so he's keeping the car. Which ... what? I hope that a red convertible is not what he had in mind by finding "more," because I actually think having a pizza shop is far better than being the middle-aged guy who drives a red convertible. Also, is it just me or does Felicity Huffman look manly in this scene? I think she might be working out too much, because her body looks too thin and muscular, with no curves whatsoever. I love Felicity, but I think she needs to gain a little weight in order to look like a woman again. Anyway, she gets in the car and they go for a ride, and Tom swats her on the butt, so he clearly thinks she's hotter than I do.
Back in the present, in her cute skirt, lacy top, and cardigan, she looks much better. Tom shows up to head to the party with her, and they just head down the street without checking in on their kids or anything. I certainly hope Lynette told the boys to keep an eye on Penny, since all she did was send her inside without any sign of a babysitter. Anyway, as they walk to the party, Tom shows Lynette an RV brochure and tells her he'd like to take the kids out of school and go "boppin' around" (he actually uses those words) for a year in "one of these sweet rides" (those, too). She thinks he's crazy, because of this little thing called their restaurant. He's all over that, and has already found someone who wants to buy it. He's been talking to a potential buyer for a few weeks, and said yes just this afternoon. This is why I don't get annoyed at Lynette for being controlling: because no matter how hard she tries to be, Tom is too clueless to get it, and still does whatever he wants with little or no regard for her. Not telling her he's considering selling is bad enough, but selling without even talking to her? That's practically divorce-worthy. But, as if to prove my point, he's completely oblivious, and when Bree and Orson walk by just then, he turns and follows them to Susan's with a "Hey guys! You ready to party?" Well, they certainly don't look ready to party. But then, neither does our wife, and you haven't noticed that yet either.
In yet another mirror in the most uptight house on all of Wisteria Lane, Bree's applying eyeliner when Orson walks in all dressed up and looking dapper. He tells her he'd like to look the part when he tells everyone he's her partner. She doesn't want him to tell people yet, but he's more than a little ready to finally have an answer when people ask him what he's doing. She makes excuses for not wanting to talk about it tonight, but he realizes that it's because she hasn't told Katherine yet, and she knows she'll be furious. Orson's not worried about Katherine, and doesn't get why this is so difficult for Bree. We zoom in on a glass of wine, as Bree flashes back to the champagne brunch the day before Orson went to prison. Orson's getting drunk, and Bree's not sure that's a good idea, but Orson doesn't think he has to be in top form on his first day in prison. Bob and Lee are there, and Andrew and Katherine, and everyone thinks drunk Orson is hilarious, except for two people. Bree is one of them, and I'll let you guess who else. Orson says he's so lucky to have Bree, because most inmates don't get a champagne brunch farewell. The gay men make gay-themed prison jokes about "cavity searches" and Orson being "husband material." Bree does not approve, even a little bit. Orson tells her it's all in fun, and everything's fine except his empty glass. She takes it into the kitchen, fills it, and drinks the whole thing down in two big gulps. Uh-oh.
We flash ahead and Katherine finds a hung-over Bree in bed. Bree would like Katherine to go away and cater the lunch herself, but Katherine's not going anywhere. She talks to Bree, and is an actual good friend. (What?! On Wisteria?!) Bree explains the drink she had the day before Orson left, and adds that after Danielle took Benjamin away, she saw no reason to stop. She says she has nothing left, but Katherine points out that she has the business. Katherine tells her they all have voids in their lives, but Bree shouldn't fill hers with wine. Katherine tells Bree to accomplish things and imagine the woman she could be by the time Orson comes home. Bree says Orson will be so ashamed of her, and Katherine says he won't, because he won't find out about this. And Katherine's even going to move in to help Bree get sober again, so that she can become a famous cookbook author who doesn't give nearly enough credit to someone who did this for her. Given this revelation, I really hate Bree for stealing Katherine's recipes without crediting her. Maybe that episode was in the can before they came up with this reveal, but it still pisses me off. Continuity matters. Anyway, Katherine says that after she gets Bree through this, that scary woman over there (the drunk mess Bree in the mirror) won't be seen in this house again. And then the mirror turns from old, scary Bree to current, scary Bree. Because, let's face it: Bree is scary-looking because of her Botoxed and/or plasticized face. She actually creeps me out in this mirror changeover to the point that I think she would make a good horror movie villain. Or at least season's creepy neighbor.
Present Bree and Orson walk to the party, and he tries to convince her to let him tell people. He says the party's the perfect opportunity, because if Katherine doesn't congratulate him and act happy about it, she'll look petty. Bree points out putting Katherine in this position instead of giving her fair warning is even worse (which it is, but then, so is stealing her recipes). Bree tells Orson he is not allowed to tell anyone, and he says partners don't really tell each other what to do. So she fires him. Which ... not so much a partnership, now, is it? They walk by Lynette and Tom right then and Tom asks them if they're ready to party.
Creepy Dave shows up at the party with a cake, and after Susan takes it, he looks in a mirror. This is where I hoped for a flashback to five years earlier so we could find out what is up with Creepy Dave, but we only get a flashback to what seems like earlier in the week. Mrs. McCluskey is going through Edie and Creepy Dave's mail. When he catches her, she says there was a letter for Edie in her mail and she was returning it and seeing if any of hers got switched. He goes inside and asks Edie if Mrs. McC is still asking questions, and she says a few, but not to worry; it's just what old people do to fill their time. She mentions that Mrs. McC will be 70 week. Creepy Dave wants to throw her a party, but Edie says she's already taking her to drinks, and doesn't like having her in her house. They decide Susan can host a party, but Edie doesn't get why he wants to do this. He explains it's a big day for Mrs. McC, and he wants to make sure it's special. We flash ahead to just before the party, when Creepy Dave is reminding Edie how to get Mrs. McC over to Susan's. When Mrs. McC arrives, Creepy Dave tells her he's trying to be friends, but she says she has enough friends. Apparently, this is how Creepy Dave tries to be friends: While she's out for drinks with Edie, he sneaks into her house and moves everything around -- taking pictures off walls, moving her entry table, and leaving a baseball bat right in the middle of the couch.
Back at the party, Edie shows up, saying Mrs. McC will be there shortly; she just had to stop at home to give her cat some medicine. We see her arriving home to find everything out of place. She knows immediately what happened and says, "Dave," picks up the bat, and heads out. At the party, we get extended versions of all of the scenes from the start of the episode. This time, Lynette asks Tom why he wants to live in a bus like carnies before she ends up throwing the drink in his face. This really is a stupid, pointless argument that doesn't help any of us fill in any blanks at all about their past five years other than the car. And does the car really matter? Is the car the reason Creepy Dave is in the neighborhood? Yeah, I didn't think so. Orson doesn't think Bree can fire him after he went to jail for her. She is sick of him bringing that up, and she says she never should have offered him the job. Then he tells her he wants the divorce. Gaby and Carlos talk more about the possibility of a pregnancy. Just like Lynette and Tom, this is completely irrelevant, so I won't bother lingering on it. Equally as irrelevant, Jackson is wondering why saying he loves Susan doesn't mean anything to her. She bitches that it does mean something: it means he forgot their agreement to keep it casual. Ouch! So he impassionately kisses Katherine, which means nothing to me. And it only pisses Susan off because everything is about her. She wants Mike to still love her and Jackson to love her, but she can't commit to any of it.
Edie comes in and tells them Mrs. McC is there. So they walk in by the cake and Mrs. McC comes in with the bat and asks Dave if he thinks he can screw with her. He feigns puzzlement, and she hits the cake with the bat. Bob and Jackson restrain her, as she explains, in a panic, how Creepy Dave broke in and moved the picture to the couch, and the table away from the door. And that he broke in before to steal her cat, and then to put him back. Everyone is shocked and sympathetic, because she really does sound crazy. And Creepy Dave's like, "Why would I do those things?" Everyone agrees she's not making sense, so they call 911. Then, when no one else is looking, he gives her the creepiest Creepy Dave smile ever, and she tries to attack. Which just makes everyone else think she's even crazier. Man, I do not want to get old and have people question my sanity just because a creepy neighbor moved in and I started investigating him. (Come on! We all know that's totally likely to happen.) Gaby comes happily down the stairs, screaming that she got her period. Despite Jackson and Bob restraining Mrs. McC and the shocked faces of everyone in the room, Gaby cluelessly asks, "Oh, was she surprised?" It's sort of cute, actually.
They're taking Mrs. McCluskey away in an ambulance, and letting Creepy Dave do all the talking. He's telling the paramedics that she was "babbling" and "totally disoriented," and he hopes it's not dementia. The paramedics promise him they'll tell the hospital she needs a psych evaluation. She appears to be asleep, so I'm guessing the paramedics sedated her. Susan tells Jackson she hopes Karen's okay. He hopes so too, but isn't ready to make up with Susan unless she'll tell him the relationship has a future. She thinks it's been working pretty well and wants to keep going the way they are. He guesses he has his answer, and walks away. Orson walks up to Bree and says they're taking good care of Mrs. McC. She tells him he doesn't understand what she owes to Katherine, and he's like, "You're right. I don't. EXPLAIN IT." She starts to tell him, and then we move on to Tom and Lynette, who think Mrs. McC will be okay, but aren't so sure they'll be okay. Lynette tells Tom that she gets almost dying; she had cancer, remember? But she said the pizza place was his adventure and they turned their lives around for it, something she's not willing to do every time he has a whim. She does have a point, Tom. At some point, you have to grow up and live with your decisions. She wants to call it a night since they have to work tomorrow, but when she asks if he's coming he tells her he'll come when he's ready. Like the garage band, this is another sign he might be just about done listening to her.
Carlos and Gaby are on their front porch. She wants to know how he could have done this, and he tells her it's obvious: He wants another kid. And it was worth lying. He hoped God had another miracle in store -- maybe a son. He says he'll call and schedule a vasectomy tomorrow, but she softens and says they'll use birth control until they both decide it's a good idea. They kiss. And even though their storyline probably doesn't matter to the mystery, I find them very adorable this season. Orson walks up to Katherine's and thanks her for what she did for Bree. He tells her that he'd consider it an honor to work with her. She says she thought she'd be working for him, since he'd be a partner, but he makes what I would say is the most humble sacrifice he's capable of if he hadn't already gone to prison for his wife: He tells Katherine that until she agrees to it, he won't be a partner, even if it takes two years. Katherine tells him he isn't going to last two months working for Bree.