By M. Giant
Mary Alice uses the overly precious framing device of describing "the incident" as witnessed by an old woman (Mrs. McCluskey), a blind man (Carlos), and a young boy (one of the Ps). Since all that nonsense is little more than padding to draw the moment out to teaser length, I'm not omitting much when I simply say that the incident in question consists of Bree confronting Edie on the street over her kiss with Orson, Edie calling Bree a bitch, and Bree eventually slapping Edie. As the camera pans down to the boy's toy soldiers, Mary Alice obviouses that the battle lines have been drawn.
It's Mother's Day, and Mike's southern-accented mom shows up for a visit. She's got a gift for Susan: a book of recipes, some of which have been in Momma's family since before "the War of Northern Aggression." Okay, I'm trying to picture any kind of scenario in which this drawling Southern belle ever wandered off the plantation long enough to meet the elder Delfino played by Robert Forster, let alone marry him, and it's giving me the vapors. Of course, she's not so much a character as a walking, talking agenda: she's there to make Susan a better wife, at least in the traditional sense. And since Momma sees that goal as being "a chef in the kitchen, a maid in the house, and a whore in the bedroom," she intends to help with two of them. Susan desperately hopes that that last item isn't one of them.
Tom and Lynette seem to have arrived at a compromise regarding the question of a shrink for Kayla: they've decided to have a psychologist visit the family. He seems fairly cool, and as the kids head upstairs, Lynette sits the family therapist down and basically instructs him to focus his efforts on Kayla: "Tell her to stop being so evil." Right on cue, Kayla, who overheard the beginning of the conversation, comes skipping down the stairs with a picture she drew for mommy and leaps into Lynette's arms. Over Kayla's shoulder, Lynette makes it clear that she's not fooled, and they shouldn't be either.
Gabby and Carlos are sitting down to lunch, gushing about how great it is to have Ellie there. She helps out around the house, she gets Carlos out of the house once in a while, and her presence prevents the two of them from arguing as much. Speaking of Ellie, she's just now showing out a "customer." There's some allegedly hilarious misunderstanding where Gabby asks the customer if she can "see it," which Ellie avoids by saying that it's "down south." "Ellie gave me something for the pain," the customer assures Gabby. Oh, the drug-dealing hilarity.
Edie's in the process of showing a young family a home in the neighborhood, but when the mom stays behind with the baby while the dad goes inside with Edie, Bree moves in. She's got some Edie stories to tell, it would appear. I wonder if she'll make any of them up.
Meanwhile, over at the Mayfair house, Dylan angrily confronts Katherine for considering a move to Baltimore to get away from Wayne. Because Baltimore cops are so much more dependable than Wayne is. Katherine says that she knows Wayne, and the only reason he's showed up is because he wants something. Which doesn't exactly thrill Dylan, who still thinks that her dad is back because he loves her and wants to be around her. Katherine informs Dylan that Wayne is not capable of love. So Dylan coldly tells her, "Move if you want. I'm staying here with my father." Is this girl really that dumb? Did she escape from the set of 24 or something?
Cut back to Edie, watching her suddenly-former customers drive off. From across the street, Bree smirks evilly at Edie, like she thinks this is over or something. Idiot. It's like they've never met or something.
Susan's mother-in-law is trying to start Susan on her first cooking lesson. But since Susan doesn't have all the equipment to make biscuits, things quickly shift to Momma pressuring Susan to get a job. Yes, Susan does have a job, but Momma rather rudely calls it a hobby and suggests Susan take up something that pays. Susan decides to have a hunt for some dough hooks after all. Hey, Susan, I have an idea: try looking to the ball gag, and then you won't need the dough hooks.
The shrink has spent some time with the fam, and when Tom and Lynette sit down in his office, he starts with a question to Lynette: does she love Kayla? Well, that's getting right to the core of the matter. She's kind of evasive (and rude to Tom) before admitting that she loves Kayla as much as she can. Translation: I love her like I loved my cancer. The Doc theorizes that Kayla's "acting out" stems from Lynette's distancing herself from the girl, and proposes a way to fix it: attachment therapy, which translates as Lynette and Kayla spending all their time together. Ooh, I really hope this is going to be more like The Defiant Ones than Fled. Tom loves the idea, because anytime he can have some outside professional help in his constant quest to stick it to Lynette, he's all over it. "Ask me if I love Tom right now," Lynette says.
Orson shows up at Bree's house, expecting to take Benjamin for a few hours. Bree refuses, on the grounds that she saw Orson with Edie. He insists that Edie moved in on him and he pushed her away, but that's not good enough for Bree, who doesn't want Benjamin around Orson at all. She brings up Orson's vehicular past, which is ridiculous and not germane to the discussion; Benjamin isn't likely to see anyone get bounced off of Orson's hood, because the kid isn't old enough to be in a front-facing car seat yet. He protests that Benjamin's his son too, but Bree coldly reminds him that that isn't exactly the case. Orson, who went along with Bree's ridiculous charade throughout her fake pregnancy, protests. And, he threatens, there will be lawyers involved.
No sooner has Ellie taken Carlos out for a walk than the smoke alarm in her room goes off. Gabby breaks into Ellie's locked bedroom to shut off the noise. The battery rolls under Ellie's bed, and when Gabby bends down to retrieve it, she discovers a giant stash of cocaine. Well, it's a good thing she's finding out about this now; last week the stuff was in the drawer and now it's too big to fit anywhere but under the bed. If this had gone another week, Ellie wouldn't have been able to fit inside her room.
Katherine comes outside with the trash to find Dylan and her dad talking. Wayne plans to attend Dylan's senior recital week, and he even offers to pick up Katherine. Who, obviously, is not up for it. She sends Dylan inside (making her spit out her gum in the process, because Dylan is six) so she can talk to Wayne. Wayne says that in light of all the stuff he used to do to Katherine, he's willing to forgive her for kidnapping Dylan. Whatta guy. So she decides to mess with him a little bit. Since he's in a forgiving mood, she makes up stories about having been with other men while they were married, trying to provoke a reaction from him (which he's too dumb to realize, of course). These stories even extend up to and including Dylan not even being his daughter. That's done it; he takes an angry step towards her, which she smoothly stops by calling out a friendly hello to Mrs. McC. She ends the discussion by stating that there will be no family outings. Despite claiming not to believe anything Katherine just said, Wayne snags the wad of gum Dylan ditched before heading out.
Gabby and Carlos are arguing what to do about Ellie now that they know she's dealing. Gabby is reluctant, until he reminds her that he's a convicted felon on probation and it's probably not a good idea for him to be harboring a drug dealer. Funny, one minute you're "boarding" someone, and the minute they turn out to be a criminal, suddenly you're "harboring" them.
Orson's on the phone with a lawyer from his hotel room, setting up a meeting for later. When he jumps in the shower, Edie walks in, complaining about his wife ruining her business. He promises to be right out of the shower, but when Edie happens to notice the notebook Orson's filled in for his report to the lawyer -- including the bit about Benjamin actually being the biological child of Danielle and Austin, right there on the front page -- Edie decides that she has enough in hand to make the trip worthwhile. No rush on that shower, Orson.
Gabby and Carlos are at the police station, reporting Ellie, But they discover that the police have been tracking Ellie for a while, to try and trace her source. Long story short, they need to keep putting Ellie up -- and putting her on. Gabby's not up for this, but when the cops offer to take Carlos off probation in exchange for their help, he so is.
Edie stops by Bree's house to say she's found another buyer, so not to worry about the ones she scared off. Bree breezily says she'll just fix the new buyer too. Edie reminds Bree that they're family -- literally, since her nephew Austin is Benjamin's biological father. Bree begs for pity, but Edie's only interested in blackmailing Bree -- starting now. Banana nut muffins, stat!
Bree shows up at the Scavos' just as they're getting ready to deal the cards, and they can see right away she's upset. "We need to talk," she says.
Wayne's at the police station, when the poor cute DNA tech with a crush on him reports that the two DNA samples he provided her, claiming they were for a case, proved that the two sample donors are not related at all. She's halfway through asking him out before she realizes that he's freaked out and stormed off. Probably for the best -- it could have gotten awkward if she had ended up with a second sample of his DNA and discovered a match. Still, he's not anywhere near as pissed as I'm going to be if we come back to the ladies and find out that Bree has already told them the truth about Benjamin.
When we come back to the ladies, we find out that Bree has already told them the truth about Benjamin. Because hey, we already have plenty of scenes with all four of them together, why go to the trouble of actually showing us a vital emotional turning point between them for the first time this season? Anyway, far from judging Bree or asking why she was stupid enough to go to all the trouble of lying to them all that time, they've decided to circle the wagons around Bree. Lucky for her that Edie sucks even more.
So the four of them saddle up and do the hero-shot walk four abreast down Wisteria Lane to Edie's house. She sees them coming and rushes out to meet them, nervously. Bree tells Edie she's already told them, and the four of them break up with Edie, all mean-girlishly. She will not be joining in any more desperate housewife games. Edie apologizes, but they pretend not to hear as they walk away. Careful, girls, she might pretend to commit suicide again.
Wayne's at home, drunkenly watching old videos of Dylan, and I have to say that the six-year-old Dylan is a lot less irritating than the current version. She holds up an arm to show off a recent slash with eleven stitches in it. Wow, Wayne starts on his women young. He drunk-dials Dylan and tells her to come over the day, Mother's Day be damned.
Lynette and Kayla are out shopping, when Lynette lets slip that they're "supposed to" be spending time together. Kayla uses the slip to blackmail Lynette into buying her a pricey dress.
Mike, Susan, and his mom are getting ready to order lunch at a restaurant when Mike yawns, and Momma says something about Susan's snoring. Apparently Mike has been complaining to his mom. When Momma gets up to leave, Susan threatens to throw a drink in her mother-in-law's face if Mike doesn't defend his wife. But when Momma comes back and starts right in again, even threatening to move in for a few weeks until the baby arrives, Susan goes in to slow-mo...picks up a glass...and dumps it on her feet. Yes, she just faked her water breaking so they can get our out of there and send Momma home. Outside, Susan comes clean to Mike, who gets it. They'll tell Momma the truth at home.
While Lynette rings out Kayla's purchases, she demands a corn dog and even openly threatens her if she doesn't get what she wants. "I got that idiot Preston to jump off the roof. Wonder what I can get Penny to do." So Lynette hauls off and smacks her across the face, in front of everyone in the store. Lynette gasps, apologizes, and says that what Kayla said was horrible. Well, this attachment therapy is working out great so far.
The morning, Momma comes down and comments about Susan's "false labor," especially the anomalous water-breaking bit. Susan explains about the spilled glass, and Mike comes down in time to hear Momma remarking about Susan's clumsiness. Finally, he steps up to talk to his mom about her constant putdowns, but with great delicacy and some difficulty getting to the point. Which of course is when Susan goes into labor for real. Although she tries to hide it, because she wants to hear Mike taking his mom down. They're not fooled, though, and I'm glad to report that there is no tedious bit where they accuse her of crying wolf. When Mike realizes that Susan's really about to drop a foal, he quickly tells Momma to knock it off, Momma apologizes to Susan, and Mike and Susan run off to the hospital
The kids minus Kayla deliver breakfast in bed to Lynette. After they leave, Tom comes in and is all self-righteous about Lynette's striking of Kayla. Kayla, meanwhile, is secretly on the phone, telling the doc about Lynette hitting her, and claiming it's not the first time. I'm with Tom; Lynette shouldn't have slapped Kayla. She should have slapped her twice. I'm kidding, of course. I would never be one to condone violence against young, defenseless demon-spawn.
Dylan shows up at Wayne's place. He's a bit more together than yesterday, although he's still drinking. He takes her hand, trying to wind up to what he's got to tell her, but realizes that there's no scar on her forearm -- either one. He gets pissed off and kicks her out. Aw, poor Dylan. On the bright side, I hear Baltimore is lovely this time of year.
Carlos and Gabby get ready for lunch, and Gabby -- who is having difficulty with the idea of betraying someone who's become a friend to them -- goes out to the dining room to find Ellie depositing a vase of flowers on the table in honor of mothers day, even though I'm fairly sure Ellie is the older of the two. "Thanks for being nicer to me than [my mom] ever was," Ellie says to Gabby. Big hug, and tears on Gabby's part. Oh, mama.
Edie packs up her car. Apparently she's off to see her kid, but nobody's there to see her off. Which makes her sad. This cues up the final montage of Mary Alice, going on about a mother's love as Lynette hugs her biological kids in gratitude for the live turtle they've given her for Mother's Day; Bree holds Benjamin; Dylan goes crying back to Katherine's comforting arms; Momma hugs a scrubs-clad Mike at the hospital; and finally, Susan gazes up at the camera beatifically, holding her new baby. And let me just say how lucky she is that beast didn't make it to full term, because if it had? Damn.
M. Giant is a Minneapolis-based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, or just e-mail him at m.giant[at]gmail.com.