So it seems like the big time-jump that the Housewives did at the end of last season worked pretty well. With five years of unexplained occurrences to catch up on, the first half of the new season has been gangbusters, and we didn't have to wait for the Scavo twins to grow up in order to see them make horrible, horrible mistakes (like Preston's hat!). But now that we've seen what happened in those intervening years -- Tom's heart attack, Susan and Mike's estrangement, Bree's relapse -- we're bored again. Yeah, yeah, Creepy Dave wants to get revenge on Mike for shanking his brother, blah, blah, blah. Give us more drama! And we know how to get it, too -- another time jump! We're tempted to send the Housewives into the far-flung future, to see what Wisteria Lane is like in space (yes, we realize that makes no sense), but another five years should do the trick. Of course, by then, it will be 2018 anyway! Who knows what will have happened by then! Here's what we think will be going on with everybody.
The Scavos
After selling the pizza place and making a brief, unsuccessful tour of the Midwest with the emotionally damaged remnants of Blue Odyssey, Tom finally convinces Lynette to sell the house, take the kids out of school and drive around the country in an RV. After a while they run out of money, and have to resort to singing for change at rest stops. The response is actually fairly positive, so Tom convinces Lynette they should make a go of it as a family band. With Tom on bass, Porter and Preston singing Porter's poetic lyrics, Parker programming computer beats, and a newly reformed Kayla on tambourine, the band does shows across the country, with Lynette driving them from gig to gig in their now brightly painted RV. When we meet up with the family five years later, they have just moved back into their old house on Wisteria Lane, after Tom's unfortunate death in what appeared to be a shooting by a deranged fan. In reality, Lynette shot him after he told her that he wanted to leave the group to pursue his lifelong dream of climbing Mount Everest.
The Van De Kamps
With the success of her cookbook, Bree gets her own TV show on the Cuisine Channel. It's so successful that she becomes the tastemaker for America. When Orson asks for an executive producer credit, she refuses, until he reminds her that he went to prison for her, and then she gives him a hat that says "Executive Producer," which makes him happy. But Bree's daughter Danielle, still bitter about Bree feeding her son meat, changes her name back to Van De Kamp and parlays her name recognition into her own vegan cooking show on the Dining Network, which plays opposite Bree's show and actually begins to eclipse it, thanks to the surge in veganism America will go through in 2012. The two clash in public, and they finally decide to settle their differences in the Iron Chef kitchen, which is now held in zero gravity. The competition is hot and heavy, and during some particularly vigorous zero-G dicing, Bree accidentally stabs Danielle repeatedly in the torso. When we rejoin the family five years later, Bree is returning home to Wisteria Lane after serving time in jail for manslaughter. Her career is in shambles, the Van De Kamp name is ruined, and Andrew and Orson have begun filming (and starring in) pornographic movies in the kitchen to get by.
The Solises
Despite big tips from women he brings to climax, Carlos' blind masseur job is not paying the bills, and they've run out of cars to sell, so Gaby gets a job at a high-end clothing store. Through a series of events so implausible that they could only happen on a serialized television drama, she gets promoted to head buyer, and travels all over Europe for weeks at a time choosing fashions for her chain of stores. Continually unable to find clothes for her overweight daughters, she decides to go into business for herself, using her contacts to start up a line of plus-sized princess costumes, ballerina tutus and bridal dresses. The line is a success, and Juanita is the number-one model for the line, until it is revealed that she is gaining weight drastically, threatening to outgrow even the largest size they make. It seems that the relentless spotlight of being a plus-sized child model has caused her to become a compulsive eater, and Gaby and Carlos have to send her to fat camp for her own health. When we rejoin the family five years later, a thinner, happier Juanita is returning from camp, Carlos is getting used to the new robot eyes he has been given to restore his eyesight, and Gaby's company is getting slapped with a recall upon the discovery that her outfits are all highly flammable.
The Delfinos
Susan and Jackson "start over" six or seven more times before she finally agrees to let him move in with her. Unfortunately, by that point the rooms in her house have been painted on 23 separate occasions, and the layers of paint are so thick that the rooms are noticeably smaller. Jackson is happy with the new arrangement until Susan's ex-husband Karl turns back up, looking for a place to stay after his wife kicked him out of the house for cheating on him. Shortly thereafter, Susan's daughter Julie shows up on the doorstep, needing a place to hide out after witnessing shady business dealings at her law firm. Additionally, the ghost of Susan's murdered ex-husband Mike is now haunting the attic, but only MJ can see him at first. As a mutual concern for their daughter causes a flame to rekindle between Susan and Karl, Jackson turns to Julie for reassurance, only to find an intelligent, caring version of Susan who's a lot closer to his age. The two strike up an illicit romance, and decide not to tell Susan. When we rejoin the family five years later, Mike is beginning to make himself known to the family by occasionally fixing the plumbing, and the mob has tracked down Julie to Wisteria Lane, looking to put her on ice.
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The Mayfairs
Katherine has moved to Maryland, has married a man who is not abusive or the ex-husband of someone she knows, works for a boss who is not an ex-convict or a control freak, and is doing quite well, thank you.
The Britts
Edie is still a bitch.
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