By M. Giant
Over shots of water containing appropriately symbolic flotsam, Mary Alice blathers about the mistakes of our past. This segues seamlessly into a close-up of a baptismal font at a Catholic church, where Carlos has asked Gabby to meet him. Now that it's too late and they're already deep into the cover-up to hide any involvement they had in Victor's death/disappearance, Carlos is having second thoughts. Apparently, it's just now occurred to him that people will notice that the mayor is missing. He wants to go to the police and plead self-defense, but Gabby shoots that idea right down, smacking Carlos upside the head in the process. He goes back to lighting a bank of candles, saying that he's praying for a miracle. Gabby says that since Victor would have killed them if he'd lived, they probably already got one. And then she flounces out of the church, right past the cleaning lady they'd better hope is deaf. The camera pulls in on the cleaning lady's bucket of mop-water...
...which segues to another ocean shot. And there's Victor, beached, either dead or unconscious. Surprised? If so, maybe Carlos isn't the only one who could use a bracing pop on the skull.
Mary Alice tells us that Mike hurt his shoulder last fall, and then got on pain pills, and stayed on them when the pain went away. Which fact he kept to himself. And now Mike calls his dealer, who is apparently a pre-med student, judging by his collegiate appearance and his budget for chemistry textbooks. Mike asks for an advance, but gets denied. Meanwhile, Susan watches out the window as Julie gets dropped off by her date, Derek, a disreputable-looking dude with a van. Susan lurks inside the front door, whipping it open just as Derek's about to score a goodnight kiss. Susan hauls her daughter inside and tells her that she checked out the date's website, and thus knows way more about Derek's piercings than Julie had better. Julie tells Susan to quit freaking out, and goes back outside for her kiss, leaving Susan to stew and think of ways to make this so much worse. I think Susan should be more worried about the van than the piercings.
It's bedtime at the Hodges', and Orson is less than thrilled that Bree has decided to try out "the family bed" concept with baby Benjamin. If you're not already up on this, it means that the baby sleeps between the parents. I'm not going to invite any grouchy emails by weighing in on the issue one way or the other, but it's plain that Orson isn't down. "What if I roll over and crush him?" he asks before turning out the light. "Don't," Bree orders. Wow, Orson, if that didn't work, nothing will.
Lynette is up late, working her way through the "dive bars" section of the Yellow Pages looking for her mom. Lying in bed to her, Tom tells Lynette that she and her sisters have reason to resent Stella, and that Lynette needs to stop feeling guilty. That gets her to turn off the bedside lamp for about two seconds before turning it back on and getting back to flipping through the book. "The morgue is listed under government offices, right?" she asks. Sure, now she's worried.
The cops have shown up at Gabby's house, just as expected. I think they're gong to arrest her on sight for the crime of combining that denim skirt with that brown satin top, but they're less interested than Gabby's appearance than in Victor's disappearance. Especially since his boat's been found floating in the bay. Gabby tells the detectives that she told Victor she was leaving him, and "hopes" he didn't do anything desperate. But the detectives suspect foul play, since there wasn't a single fingerprint on the whole boat, meaning someone wiped it down. "Whoever was on that boat is clearly not that bright," one of them understates. The detectives assure Gabby that they'll find out exactly what happened to Victor. "...Great," she chokes.
Susan comes home to a note from Julie saying she's at the mall with Pierced Derek. Susan's still grumping about that when she answers a knock on the door. It's Mike's dealer, Barrett, looking for Mike. He happens to mention that he's pre-med, and -- dingdingding! We've just figured out how Susan is going to make the Julie situation worse, as she decides on the spot to set her daughter up with her husband's drug dealer. Genius.
Orson comes home for lunch, bitching that his inability to sleep in "the family bed" is affecting his work. "How is a dentist supposed to feel when he can't give a ninety-year-old a lifetime guarantee?" he whines. He points out that it's not like Bree and Rex did this with Andrew. Who, by the way, is just returning with Orson's plate from the oven, and seems to take exception to Bree's last remark. Bree says that she's just trying to learn from her mistakes, and suggests warm milk to help Orson sleep. Orson TMIs that one thing that used to help him sleep is now off the menu. "Can the mistake have the salt?" Andrew asks. Orson announces that he's sleeping in the den tonight: "I either need to sleep or get lucky tonight. I'll have a better shot at both if I'm alone." Aaand, thanks for sharing that.
Susan has invited Barrett inside her house for the hard sell on Julie, and is making a huge dork of herself, per usual. Barrett gets a call from another customer, but Susan's off checking the laundry, so she doesn't hear what he's saying. After he hangs up, he tells Susan that he has to go, and Susan shows him out, inviting him to return tomorrow. And who knows -- Julie might even be there. He calls her "Mrs. Delfino," and she asks him to call her "Mom." Cringe. "Because...that's what all the kids call me," she adds. Barrett is going to wonder who Susan's dealer is.
Bree stops by the Scavo pizzeria, using the need to drop off Andrew's forgotten cell phone as a subtext to pick Tom's brain about whether they did the family bed thing when the Ps were little. Tom says that they kind of did, though not exactly by choice. How did Bree not assume that the little monsters just kind of swarmed in? Bree discreetly wonders how that affected his and Lynette's sex life, and Tom not-so-discreetly explains that they just got creative with locales, including Bree's house once, when the Van de Kamps were out of town. That aside, Tom asks how Orson likes being a dad, and Bree says that the three of them are such a happy family. She leaves, but it's clear that Andrew heard her, and it obviously stung. Yes, Bree is hoping to learn from her mistakes with her oldest son, which is probably why she keeps making fresh ones.
Mike's just finishing up a little light plumbing at Adam and Katherine's house, when Adam goes to answer the door. It's a woman named Sylvia, played by Melora Hardin, Bill's crazy sister-in-law (well, one of many) from Big Love. Adam doesn't look too thrilled to see her. Probably because she seems a little crazy here, too, although she's not quite the fashion victim Wanda is. He accuses her of ruining his life, and tells her to go back to Chicago. "Hey, man, your beer's getting warm," Mike says from behind Adam, which spooks Sylvia into leaving. Adam thanks Mike for the assist, and asks him to keep Sylvia's visit their little secret. Mike agrees, and asks Adam if, by the way, he might be able to write him a prescription for some pain meds. Adam says that would look kind of weird from a gynecologist. Mike says it's no big:"This favor thing doesn't have to go both ways." Adam gets the point.
Orson is expecting a new patient, a Mrs. Zimmerman. But Mrs. Z. turns out to be none other than Bree, who said in her message that she needed a cavity filled. "I was in a very naughty mood when I left that," Bree says, dropping her coat on the floor and revealing nothing -- or, rather, everything -- underneath. Not that they can show the aforementioned cavity on network TV. Ew, I can't believe I just said that. Orson excitedly squeezes off a burst from his drill. Sexay!
Lynette comes home to find Tom waiting on the porch for her. She's worried about what's going on, and he tells her that her stepfather, Glen, is waiting inside. When she finds him waiting, she's quite happy to see him, which may or may not be connected to the fact that he's being played by Richard Chamberlain. She assures him that despite the headscarf and the cancer, she "kicked its ass." Apparently, the reason Glen is here is because he heard from Stella, who called him asking for money after spending the night sleeping in a car she broke into. But at least it was a Cadillac. So Glen is inviting Lynette along to meet Stella at the rendezvous in the park. Again, they're happy to see each other. Almost creepily so. I'm sorry, I shouldn't judge.
Adam comes to see Orson, to ask if Orson will write the prescription for Mike that Adam can't. Orson declines, and Adam says that it would be a big favor. And alluding to the fact that he ran into a departing Bree in the waiting room, he mentions how great she looks: "I haven't seen her since I delivered Danielle's baby. I mean, your baby." Now it's Orson who's getting the point.
Bree comes home to find Andrew packing up his car and moving out. Bree is surprised, not least of all because she thinks Andrew can't afford his own place. Andrew assures her that he can, in the crappy neighborhood he's in. He's not angry or petulant or even, it seems, particularly hurt, telling Bree that he's leaving for the sake of her and her new family. As he climbs into his suspiciously empty car and drives off, he tells Bree, "I hope the three of you are very happy."
Nighttime on Wisteria Lane. Out on the sidewalk, Orson is giving Mike a lecture about pain medication not being a permanent solution, and Mike again gives his song and dance to the effect that what he really needs is time off that he can't financially afford to take. Orson wonders if Mike is okay, and Mike says that it's not all Susan's fault; he's still having pain from his hit-and-run. Orson asks whether this is really about Mike's accident, and Mike objects to the word: "Some son-of-a-bitch ran me down and took off," he says The son-of-a-bitch in question suddenly loses all his qualms about the scrip, and hands it over with no more questions asked.
Mike goes inside to find Susan already asleep in bed. She blearily tells him about Barrett's visit, and Mike gets real tense in a real hurry. He heads into the bathroom and turns on the water, so he doesn't hear Susan say Barrett will be back tomorrow, let alone the question, "Don't you think he'd be perfect for Julie?" From the bathroom, Mike leaves a message for Barrett telling him never to come back to his house.
Edie drops her paper with its giant "MAYOR MISSING" banner headline, and decides to call in an anonymous tip that she thinks he's not missing, but dead. The scene ends before we see her telling the police that she and Victor use the same crabs shampoo.
Carlos and Gabby are having another talk at her house; and he's not on board with the plan anymore, since the suspicious cops will start thinking about who has a motive to kill Victor. "Number one: you. Number two: you. Number three: maybe me, but probably still you." Gabby agrees to go to the cops, but insists on a drink first. Because Carlos is an idiot, he agrees. How is it that I know that Gabby is going to drop tranquilizers in his drink and he doesn't?
Susan happily watches Barrett and Julie chatting in the living room, and goes back into the kitchen to plate up some store-bought brownies. Mike finds her in there looking happy, but he's not nearly as happy when he finds out that Barrett's in the house, hanging with Julie. He plays it semi-cool, going into the living room and asking Julie for a minute with Barrett. He throws Barrett the money he owes him and tells him to get out, but Barrett actually digs Julie, and plans to take her on a date. When Mike objects to his stepdaughter going out with a "low-life drug dealer," Barrett and his argyle sweater remind Mike that Barrett is a pre-med student, while Mike is an addict, and that Mike probably doesn't want his "cute family" aware of the latter fact. "I'll have her home by ten," Barrett smugs, and heads into the kitchen.
Barrett's in the kitchen getting his Eddie Haskell on with Susan when Mike comes in and tells Susan that Barrett's a drug dealer, which he knows because he sold Mike the pills Susan found. Susan snatches the brownie from Barrett's hand and tells him to get out. Barrett leaves, dropping one bomb: "It's a shame, though. He was such a good customer." And then Julie comes downstairs, ready to go and wondering where her date went. Who's going to tell her, you guys?
Gabby is pretending to help a very sleepy Carlos to get ready to go to the police, but she quickly abandons that notion when she spots her new friends, the police detectives, coming up the walk. She dumps the now-unconscious Carlos on the floor and meets them outside. They ask whether Gabby has been having an affair with Carlos, and, standing down-walk from them so their backs are to the house, Gabby denies everything, even as Carlos lurches confusedly in the window behind them. One of them gets a cell-phone call, listens for two seconds, and then tells Gabby that Victor's been found, alive, unconscious, and stable. Those police code numbers certainly convey a lot of information in a short time. They invite her along to the hospital, and she accepts, saying that she just needs to grab her purse first. Inside the house, she regards Carlos's snoring form angrily and tells him, "I hope you're happy. Victor's alive. And we're screwed!"
Lynette and Glen pull up in Glen's car at the park where he's supposed to meet Stella. Lynette makes some joke about throwing her mom in the trunk, which prompts Glen to remark on her wicked sense of humor. Lynette says that's one benefit of a crappy childhood, which causes Glen to experience a visible twinge of regret. Lynette says that she doesn't blame him for leaving, since Stella cheated on him and all. He says that it was more complicated than that, but before we learn more, he spots Stella and goes to meet her.
At their house, Susan's explaining to Julie about Mike's recent past with drugs, and her certainty that Mike's stopped taking them. Julie asks if she's sure, since she just saw Mike at the drugstore picking up a prescription. Huh. This town needs more pharmacies, like, yesterday.
Back at the park, Glen hands an envelope of cash over to Stella, and she's grateful until she spots Lynette skulking in his car. "You son of a bitch, you set me up!" she says, storming off. Although most storms move faster than Stella does. As a result, Lynette's able to catch up and tell her she wants Stella to come home with her. Somehow, this turns into a huge argument about the past, with Glen trying to make peace between them. Which he eventually does by admitting to Lynette that the reason he left is because he's gay. Which we all knew as soon as we spotted Richard Chamberlain, but Lynette is pretty blown away.
Bree presents herself at Andrew's squalid little (yet furnished) apartment, plying him with veal scaloppini to try to get him to come home. Bree says she knows he's angry, but that she really wants to do things differently with Benjamin than she did with Andrew. Andrew says that he knows he hurt her in the past, but that he's changed, and she never noticed because she's so focused on her new family. Andrew actually thanks Bree for leaving him on the side of the road two years ago; it forced him to turn his life around. Bree's amazed that he forgives her, since she never noticed that either. And just to cap it all off, Andrew asks her to use a coaster. It's really a sweeter moment than it sounds like.
Glen seems to have brought Lynette and Stella back to his place, which he apparently shared with a recently-dead partner named Dave for almost twenty years. When he goes to get the coffee, Lynette asks her mom why she never told her. Stella blames herself for turning Glen gay in two years of marriage, and says it wouldn't have made a difference between her and Lynette if Lynette had known. Lynette thinks otherwise, and still wants Stella to come home. But Stella doesn't want to, and risk screwing up the relationship with Lynette they've built over the past few months. But where will she live? Wouldn't you know it, Glen has a guest room for Stella. Everybody wins!
At Susan's, Mike talks about some stretches he's been doing for the "shoulder pain," and after learning that Susan plans to take a shower, he says he's going down for a snack. But the "snack" is in the glove compartment of his truck, and it's of the narcotic variety. Which Susan sees him partake of from the bathroom window.
Flanked by her detective friends, Gabby arrives at the hospital and meets Victor's neurologist; he tells her that Victor's just waking up, and asks whether Gabby would like to talk to him. Gabby says that she would, and is careful to add, "After the ordeal he's been through, I wouldn't be surprised if he was babbling like a crazy person!" She's really kind of funny this episode.
But when Gabby and the doctor and the detectives are in Victor's private room and he wakes up and starts talking, he's not only not babbling -- and still doing his typical Mamet Black & White emotion-free delivery -- he doesn't even seem to remember anything after his Friday staff meeting. No attack on Carlos, no falling in the drink, not even getting on his boat at all. Gabby is relieved in a highly suspect way, and herds everyone else out of the room. Victor asks her to stay with him, and to come close. Which is when he grabs her face in both hands and growls into her ear, "I remember everything." He says he'll rest now, threateningly adding, "I'm going to need all my strength." Gabby has suddenly stopped playing this story for laughs, because she's terrified. And rightly so, if Victor continues to be as many moves ahead of her as he typically is, even when he isn't.
On her way out of the hospital, Gabby has to contend not only with reporters (and a silently glaring Edie) but also Mary Alice talking about the past never being behind us. But Mary Alice bright-sides about "an old friend with open arms," as Lynette watches Stella and Glen catch up over drinks. MAVO: "Or an old enemy with a hidden agenda," as Sylvia watches from the bushes while Adam takes out the trash. MAVO: "Or a grown-up son with a forgiving heart," as Bree hangs with Andrew in his new place. But then Mary Alice warns us that by denying the past, we are condemned to repeat it, as we see Mike sleeping in bed alone. That's because Susan is downstairs in his truck, shining a flashlight at the fresh prescription bottle she found in his glove box, complete with Orson's name on the label. So now both of them are in trouble.