As the show opens, we get one last blast back to '80s night, with a dance by some members of the troupe, along with Val and Peta, to "Like a Virgin." I had already forgotten that Peta existed. I am fickle. These pro dancers are waaaaay too smiley for this song. It's supposed to be sexy and seductive, right? Like Madonna in the video or in her iconic performance at the VMAs? Instead, it's all teeth and hair. The song segues into "Like a Prayer" and I'm going to call foul because I remember listening to this single on my Walkman (my friend had the cassingle and I borrowed it) on the bus ride home on my senior trip, which would have been spring of 1990. Although I guess the album came out in '89, so they got me on a technicality. They bring out a gospel choir, as they are required to by law when performing this song in public. Although it's a pretty skimpy gospel choir; there are only like twelve singers. Not impressed.
Len has something to say about this season so far. He claims that this season is crazy, because usually when people go home early, they had another week or two at best. But Len believes that Kristin or Chynna could have made the finals, and people moan about it in public, but then it turns out that they didn't vote. So Len tells them to cram it sideways. He doesn't, but he should. Seriously, who is stopping Len in public to complain about the results? Probably no one, but if you are, leave an old man alone to have his lunch in peace.
Results! Ricki claims that she didn't get to wear a prom dress as a teen because she was too fat. Okay. We've got to put an end to this right now. I'm so sick of Ricki's bullshit sizeist attitude. I remember when she was a teen and young adult, and she was all, "It doesn't matter what size you are! Being cool is more than the number on the label!" And lots of chubby girls adopted her as their savior because this was before the Internet, when you could find websites to explain that healthy people come in all sizes. It was a big deal. And then she lost the weight, and if it was for health reasons, or whatever, good for her. But she had to go and talk in every interview about how she hated being fat and she hated her body and...she blew any good will she had generated in her earlier days. And I see she still hasn't gotten the memo. It is FINE if she wants to say that she personally wasn't healthy at that weight, but to make it out like she was unable to function as a human being and a woman because she was carrying around a hundred extra pounds or whatever is horseshit and it does a huge disservice to woman who are larger than average but still manage to live their lives while trying to make healthy choices each day, even if that doesn't result in the number on the scale getting smaller. I just feel like she rode this wave of size-acceptance on the way up the fame scale, and once she got to the top, she pretended it didn't exist. And for someone who campaigns so hard for women to have choices and be educated about them when it comes to childbirth, you'd think she would know better about how women are treated in this society, and how harmful some attitudes can be to young women. Okay, I put my soapbox back under my couch, but that's been bugging me since the beginning of the season. Oh, poor you, Ricki. You didn't get to wear a prom dress. You only starred in a movie and got your own talk show. Jesus.
So ANYWAY. Ricki messed up the Roger Rabbit, and that was the one move that she put into the routine. Hope and Maks didn't get great scores, but they also didn't get the worst, and Hope is just FALLING apart. She tweeted something today about how she likes playing sports where there aren't subjective judges' scores, so I'm guessing she just doesn't understand why the judges aren't giving her better scores? They did give her really confusing feedback last night. Anyway, she's crying in the hallways and saying that she doesn't know if she can do this anymore. Get it together, girl! It's just a stupid dance show!
So Ricki and Derek and Hope and Maks are waiting to hear their results. Ricki and Derek are safe. Hope and Maks are in jeopardy.
Brooke is backstage with Rob, Dave, and JR. Rob claims he got calls from all of his ex-girlfriends. Ew. David claims he is also going to get in touch with his sexniess, but he can't stop giggling while talking about it, which is not sexy. JR says he's also on a cloud, but he will have the quickstep if he comes back week. He's coming back. Come on. David says that he voted for JR. David is super giggly tonight. If it were anyone else, I would wonder if he were on something, but I think that is David straight. I think he used substances and alcohol so he wouldn't be so anxious and nervous.
Clip package about how the partners met and became a team. The one revealing part is when Hope says that her relationship with Maks has had its ups and down, but a good teammate is not a best friend. So they really hate one another. They respect one another professionally, but they are not buddies. That's why Maks looks so miserable.
Kelly Clarkson is on hand to sing "Mr. Know-It-All." Wow, her voice sounds different on this song. Not in a bad way. She sounds really smoky and raspy. I like it. I don't love this song, but I like her a lot and I'm looking forward to her new album. Tristan and Kym dance while she sings, and when her song ends, Kelly comments on how hot they are. Tom tries to get her to agree to be on the show but Kelly says that it would be a comedy.
It's time for the inspirational segment, about a young woman who grew up in Compton and her single mother made many sacrifices for her to take dance lessons. And now she's going to dance with Mark and Derek. It's a cool routine; Charm (the young lady) starts dancing at the top of the stairs with Mark and Derek beside her on video screens. They use cool effects to make it look like Mark and Derek are appearing and disappearing. Then she descends the stairs and the real Mark and Derek show up and dance with her. She's really good. It must be fun for Mark and Derek to dance in a more modern style once in a while. They're both really good at it (and you know it kills me to say that about Mark), and don't get to do it on this show very often.
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The Band Perry is on hand to perform their number one song. Really? Well, it sounds country, which may explain my unfamiliarity with it. Louis and Karina come out to dance to it.
Before he danced, Rob said that he wanted to get at least one 9, and he did. Karina and JR were thrilled with their scores as well. Kym and David stayed in their punk character complete with British accents for a while after their dance, and then David complained that he stays knotted up inside too much and then fell off his chair? I'm a little worried about him. Anyway, are those three couples safe or in jeopardy? JR and Karina and Rob and Cheryl are safe. David and Kym are in jeopardy.
Kelly Clarkson is back to sing "Walkaway." Love this song. Except Mark and his stupid spats are back to dance to it. Ugh. Nice to know that he over dances his pro partners just as much as he does to his non-pro partners. It's not as noticeable since the pros can keep up with him, but he adds in all these flourishes and unnecessary Michael Jackson moves. I really can't stand him. Even more so since I saw that he did some questionnaire in, I think, People, and he said he really admired Kurt Cobain, and that if he ever had a daughter, he would name her Nirvana. I think Kurt Cobain would hate that. Can you imagine, Kurt is all peaceful in the afterlife (if you believe in such things) and he's like, "Who? A professional dancer? And he named his kid what? WHY?" Also, even without the band association, it's just a stupid fucking name.
We get to hear the judges' conversation for the beginning of Nancy and Tristan's dance last night, and Bruno was super into the storyline of the whole thing. Before he danced, Chaz complained about having the same dance as JR. That would be tough, but he needs to have a better attitude. Afterwards, Chaz and Lacey giggle about the fact that Chaz's fly was open the whole time. Carson loved '80s week. He says that he'd rather be fun and make mistakes than be perfect and boring. No offense, Carson, but I don't think you have it in you to be perfect OR boring. God bless you. So which of these three couples are definitely coming back week? Chaz and Lacey, along with Nancy and Tristan, will be back week. Carson and Anna are in jeopardy.
Finally, the results. I feel like this episode has gone on forever. The three couples in jeopardy are at the top of the stairs: David and Kym, Hope and Maks, and Carson and Anna. And David and Kym are safe. Thank God. I want to see what David does going forward. So who is going home of the remaining two? Carson and Anna. Aw. But honestly. Chaz should go home soon, but Carson was not a good dancer. He was a lot of fun, and very entertaining, but if he made it much longer, it would have become a problem for me. Carson thanks everyone, especially Anna. He says the experience was "pure joy." Brooke asks Carson to come back and spend time with them. She obviously doesn't know how many people want Carson to take Brooke's job. I would actually watch the interview segments if Carson was conducting them. Come on, producers. I don't know if he would do it, but the show would be SO much better. We wouldn't have Brooke backstage going, "How does that make you feeeeeel?" Ugh. She's terrible. Anyway, goodbye Carson. You will be missed.
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