Marry-Go-Round

Down in Hell, D'Eartha hisses at Cole, "Holy matrimony will be the worst possible thing that could happen." Her occluded eyes clear as she continues, "It will keep you from ever reigning as The Source." And why is that, exactly? Is there some rule in Hell like the one in the United Kingdom that forbids marriage between an heir to the throne and a Catholic or a divorce? Or do the hounds of Hell simply object to The Source marrying furrily forearmed dimwits? Needless to say, it's never explained. Also, it's not the only bit of incomprehensible exposition in this scene. I won't attempt to lead you through the tangled dialogue step-by-step, as I'm not entirely certain I understand all of it myself. The contorted reasoning seems to be that Phoebe is bad for Cole, except for the times when she's good for him. I've dated people like that. I think. Like I said, I'm not sure I know what each is arguing to the other. What appears to be clear is that a "white wedding" would destroy Cole's rep with the various dark demonic forces he intends to rule. It should also be clear to even the most occasional of viewers that a white wedding would be the height of hypocrisy as far as Freebie is concerned. In any event, some sort of wedding between Cole and Phoebe is in order, as D'Eartha sees a son in their future -- "the most powerful child the magical world has ever seen." However, if that child is the product of the planned "holy" union, the child's powers will forever be linked to the forces of good. Cole must manage to marry Phoebe in a "dark way" to ensure that the child will be "the heir to [his] kingdom," rather than "the heir to their destiny." My brain hurts. Why would The Source -- or more specifically, The Agglomeration Formerly Known As The Source -- need an heir? Can't TAFKATS float around and infect whomever it chooses at will once its existing host has been vanquished? Last time I checked, Hell wasn't lacking in prospective hosts for TAFKATS should Cole bite the big one. This would make some sense were Cole still half-demon, but as far as has been established, Cole's basically some poor human schmuck who got sucked into this whole "I am the vessel" shtick. So why is it imperative for him to mix his little schmucky genes with Phoebe's little idiot ones?

Whatever. Were the cosmography of Charmed ever charted, I think we'd end up with a map featuring the Manor surrounded by a void labeled "Here Be Monsters," with a little slice of real estate devoted to the crack-addled writing staff. In any event, Cole -- known henceforth as The Sole until such time as TAFKATS sees fit to flee his body -- agrees with D'Eartha that the "white wedding" must be sabotaged to protect his potential progeny's birthright. He plans to set the Glamorous Ladies at each other's throats, with the help of some potions and a stunt-cast rap artist D'Eartha is to recruit for the mission. After ensuring the implosion of his intended's "perfect day," he'll somehow lure her into a dark wedding. What are the ingredients of a dark wedding? Why, a dark priest to perform the dark ceremony during the dark night in a dark graveyard, of course. Oh, and the dark groom will have to drink Phoebe's blood while he's at it. "And what are the chances of that?" D'Eartha snits. "Good," allows The Sole. "Very good." Credits. Finally.

Bimbo Boudoir, the following morning. Phoebe stirs, squints at the sunlight streaming in through the curtains, and glances at the clock. To Phoebe's horror, the clock reads 11:07. She bolts upright in bed, then springs out into the hallway, berating Raige for failing to rouse her. Does your clock not have a goddamn alarm? Bitch. Phoebe clomps into the bathroom to wash her face as Raige rises groggily from her chair and Piper staggers into the hallway looking ten kinds of hungover. Phoebe shrieks and emerges from the bathroom with a rash of acne covering her forehead, cheeks, and chin. She howls in fury at Raige and lurches into her bedroom, muttering darkly about the spell Raige supposedly cast on the Heaven In A Jar. Phoebe blubbers at her vanity while Piper urges everyone to breathe. Raige, meanwhile, takes umbrage at Phoebe's suggestion that Raige is intentionally sabotaging the ceremony. Why is Phoebe so quick to blame her? "Face it, Phoebe," Raige snits, "this wedding has been filled with nothing but bad omens from the start." "And they all seem to be connected to you, now don't they?" Phoebe shoots back. Piper steps between the snarling, uh, witches, and assures Phoebe that make-up should cover the acne. Raige snorts derisively: "There's not enough spackle in the world to fill those craters." Phoebe leaps to her feet, ready to toss Raige out the window. Raige tells her to cram it. Raige will prove she has no intention of sabotaging the ceremony, and quickly recites the following oft-used spell:

Let the Object of Objection
Become but a Dream
As I cause the Seen
To be Unseen.

Little fairy lights dance across Phoebe's face, and the acne gradually disappears. More amusingly, Phoebe proceeds to vanish as well. Get it? The Object of Objection? Unfortunately, that gag was unintentional. More unfortunately, the same cannot be said of the "gag" that follows. InvisiPhoebe's empty pink pajamas stand in front of her vanity, holding Phoebe's form. InvisiPhoebe, overly enthused: "My zits are gone?" Piper, preternaturally calm: "I can honestly say that your face is completely clear." InvisiPhoebe: "Woo hoo!" You watch the commercials while I go pound my head through some of the drywall in my apartment.

Manor. They've finally filmed new establishing shots of the Manor that include Raige's Volkswagen in the driveway, by the way. Up in the attic, InvisiPhoebe has apparently stripped herself naked, presumably because the effects budget can't bear the strain of multiple shots of animated pink pajamas. Alyssa Milano's voice-over rages while various blue-screen shots of airborne wedding programs and the floating satin gown are superimposed over Raige and Piper. InvisiPhoebe even "knocks over" some books in frustration. Piper tells Alyssa's voice-over to shut up. Phoebe's current state is simply "a backfire to the vanishing spell." Once Piper finds an appropriate reversal in the Book of Shadows, everything will be fine. Daddy Dearest pokes his head into the room, wondering why the gals haven't dressed yet. There's a bit of business wherein InvisiPhoebe orders Daddy Dearest to escort the photographer to the church and Piper attempts to pass off the disembodied voice as her own effort at impersonating Phoebe's verbal tics for the toast at the reception. Daddy Dearest leaves. InvisiPhoebe bitches some more as she plants her naked ass down on a sofa. I hope they used ScotchGard on that thing. Raige cuts to the chase -- the vanishing spell should not have backfired. After all, it didn't when she used it on Billy and Collagyn. When you add that to the oversized wedding dress, the acne, and Coolio, it should be clear that there are demonic doings afoot in Halliwell Manor. Raige delivers a "buck up, little campers" pep talk, arguing that the Ps can vanquish whatever Eeevil forces are at work and still hold the ceremony as planned. Piper and Phoebe agree. The gals exit the attic with the BoS to prep for the wedding while continuing the search for a reversal in the Book.

Our Lady Of The Dead Heathers. Yes, gentle reader, the church from that movie is now playing host to Phoebe Halliwell's wedding, and I'm appalled I didn't notice it before now. The statue of the cross-bearing angel is off to the side in this establishing exterior shot, and the infamous baptismal font appears in the background of some of the subsequent interior scenes. Alyssa couldn't have known about this, could she? Anyway, Darryl and The Sole lead various guests to their pews while the members of a string quartet saw away at their instruments in the balcony above. I'd point out that, as established by precedent, The Source Of All Eeevil cannot enter a house of worship, but maybe Heather Duke gave him a pass out of spite for the bride. The Dolt skitters up to The Sole to tell him that Phoebe would like to speak with him in the bridesmaids' locker room. After noting with faux anxiety that the ceremony should have started fifteen minutes ago, The Sole rather convincingly plays dumb and heads out for the chat.

Over in the locker room, Raige passes a slip of paper to Piper. Piper recites the following while setting the sheet alight with a candle on the coffee table:

Guiding spirits,
Hear our plea.
Annul this magic.
Let it be.

Nothing happens. InvisiPhoebe: "Can you see me?" Piper: "Not even your breasts." I want to laugh, and yet I find I can't even smirk. So sad when an episode drags one's spirits down like this. Well, it's either that or the Botox, I suppose. Raige despairs. That was the last reversal spell they found in the Book. InvisiPhoebe thanks the gals for their worthy effort and decides they'd better call off the ceremony. Just then, The Sole raps his knuckles on the door. Piper and Raige exit discreetly so Julian McMahon can have a private conversation with a floating bouquet, a floating handkerchief, and a floating hand mirror. InvisiPhoebe drips InvisiSnot as she snuffles that she wanted the perfect wedding, not for herself, but for her beloved. The Sole awkwardly embraces his naked InvisiFiance and agrees to postpone the proceedings. Piper and Raige clomp back in to announce that they've figured out a way to save the day. Piper hustles The Sole out to the chapel, instructing him to inform the quartet that they can begin the processional. The Sole makes a few "whuh?" faces, but steps out of the room as ordered.

Raige and Piper address an empty chair. Raige's brilliant plan? To transfer the invisibility from Phoebe to herself. Not only will this allow Phoebe and Cole to marry as planned, but it will also prove that Raige in no way wishes to stand between the couple and their stated goal of nuptial bliss. InvisiPhoebe InvisiSniffles her InvisiThanks.

Out on the chapel portico, the Ds plus The Sole natter about the delay and the guests who have already decided to bail. What? How rude! You're telling me that if a wedding is delayed for more than fifteen minutes, the guests are free to leave? Whatever. The groom and his men break from their huddle to head into the chapel proper. D'Eartha silently appears behind them and asks, "Aren't you going to seat me?" Daddy Dearest offers to escort her inside, but The Sole tells Daddy he'll handle it. The Sole offers D'Eartha his arm, and she links her own through his with a smile. "They'll recognize you," he grits, sotto voce. She ignores his admonition. "You never contacted me. Did your potion work? And did they use the spell you thought they would?" The Sole answers yes to both questions. If that's the case, D'Eartha would like to know why the wedding hasn't been canceled already. The Sole admits that the Ps might have found a way to reverse his magic. D'Eartha shoots him the wicked side eye and asks, "And did she find an obedience spell to make you do as she pleases?" Oh, no she didn't! Woo! Who's whipped? Yeah, that's right, Sole baby. You are. The Sole smiles tightly and breathes, "Don't forget who you're talking to," as D'Eartha settles into a pew towards the back. The Sole spots Piper taking her place at the altar as the string quartet slides through one of the Brandenburg Concertos. He leans down to D'Eartha's ear and instructs her to retrieve Coolio from Hell. If Coolio attacks Our Lady Of The Dead Heathers, the gals will halt the wedding "to save innocent lives." D'Eartha waits in her place for a moment until The Sole has moved away, then stands to exit the chapel.

An Impressive Clergyman nods to the quartet, and the opening bars to "The Wedding March" float out from the balcony as Phoebe enters on Daddy Dearest's arm. The Phoebangs are evil and must be destroyed. Interminable shots of a cautious Sole, an overjoyed Piper, and various anonymous kvelling guests follow as InvisiRaige slides an armless upholstered chair in front of the Font Of Baptisms, Hair Care, And Spaghetti -- Lots Of Oregano to witness the service from the back of the church. Apparently, InvisiRaige is as naked as InvisiPhoebe was earlier, so see the above comment regarding ScotchGard. Actually, now that we're all intimately familiar with Raige's personal hygiene habits, forget the ScotchGard and let's just hope they burn the damn chair after she's done with it. The Impressive Clergyman lifts his arms to indicate that the gathered throng may now be seated, and he begins the ceremony. "'Esquimo.' Phoebe Halliwell underlined a lot of passages in her copy of Moby Dick..." Oops. Sorry. Wishful thinking, I suppose.

The Impressive Clergyman actually opens with the standard "dearly beloved" stuff. Just as the service gets going, Coolio blows into the back of the church to InvisiRaige. "Oh, no," she mutters, and hoists a handy candlestick in the air. She clubs Coolio on the back of his head and pushes him out onto the portico. InvisiRaige slams the chapel doors shut behind her just as the Impressive Clergyman gets to the part about speaking now or forever holding one's peace. The participants pause for a moment at the noise, but the service continues. Outside, Coolio slams InvisiRaige through another door and into the bridesmaids' locker room. The sound invades the chapel, and Piper volunteers to check it out. "Keep going," she smiles with a casually dismissive wave of her hand. She scurries up the aisle as the assembled extras mumble amongst themselves. Soon enough, we hear Raige shout, "Get away from her!" The Dolt politely excuses himself and hustles his ass out to the locker room. The Impressive Clergyman soldiers on, asking, "Who gives this woman to this man today?" Daddy Dearest gamely jumps to his feet to announce, "Her sisters and I do." Piper chooses this moment to scream, "You son of a bitch!" The Dolt also yells as it becomes clear that large quantities of glass are being broken nearby. Phoebe drops her bouquet at the foot of the altar and races to the back of the church with The Sole hot on her heels. Darryl and Daddy Dearest gape.

Locker room. Phoebe and The Sole stumble in just as Coolio smacks up the Dolt with a little TK. Phoebe advances on Coolio as Piper struggles to rise to her feet. Coolio raises an armchair above his head in order to brain Phoebe with it. The Sole cries, "Stop!" Coolio stands there like an idiot with the chair hovering somewhere above his puckered lips. Piper takes this opportunity to blow him up. Coolio dissolves into a dirt pile on the plush carpeting. Phoebe immediately asks for InvisiRaige. No one can locate her in the locker room ruins -- not even the Dolt. He can't "get a read on her," which means "her heart must have stopped beating." The Sole spots a puddle of blood slowly pooling outwards from an unseen source on the flooring near the windows. The Dolt hops on over and applies the tingly touch to the air above the bloodstain. The Impressive Clergyman bursts into the locker room with Darryl to demand, "What the hell is going on in here?" "That's it!" Phoebe wails, tearing the veil from her head. "The wedding is off! Tell everyone to get out of here -- go!" She shoves the priest and the cop outside and slams the door behind them. Piper, The Sole, and the Dolt stare at Phoebe as she pants and gasps and blinks her way into the commercial.

Our Lady Of The Dead Heathers. Aftermath. Piper paces down the aisle from the altar with her cell phone pressed to her ear, instructing the caterer to drop both the food and the bill off at the Manor. Phoebe stands to The Sole, bundled in a coat, bitching about the disaster that is her life. Piper asks Raige if she's feeling any better. A very visible yet still naked Raige admits from the depths of a blanket that she's "still a little shaky." The Dolt opines that they're all lucky to be alive. Raige wonders why Coolio stopped what he was doing when The Sole ordered him to do so. The Sole slyly supposes that Coolio was merely startled someone had the nerve to yell at him. Together, the gang surmises that Raige is now visible because the Eeevil magic worked its intended effect. The wedding was canceled; therefore, the demonic need for outbreaks of acne and enlarged gowns and invisibility vanished. Piper makes mention of the dust pile also known as Coolio. The Sole offers to bury it in a nearby cemetery. Piper objects, noting that, should the freeze she cast on Coolio's remains wear off before Cole can get him in the ground, Cole "will be as defenseless as a cat toy." The Ps plus the Dolt insist on accompanying him. "Fine by me," says The Sole, though it's clear he's lying.

The Third-Hardest-Working Cemetery In Show Business. It's slipped a bit in the rankings since last season. The Sole's found a promising grave from the early years of the last century, and he shoves a spade into the soil. The Dolt joins him in the digging as the Ps stand off to one side. Piper tries to comfort a pouting Phoebe by reminding her that it took a couple of tries before she and the Dolt managed to get hitched. All they have to do for Phoebe is determine what sort of Eeevil tossed the wrench into the day's proceedings, and why. Raige has an idea. Why don't they ask Coolio? The Sole becomes visibly agitated at this suggestion. Raige dumps the Coolidust onto the ground over The Sole's objections. "Phoebe, please," The Sole begs. "I'm asking you not to do this. For me." "I can't believe you don't want to know," she counters. Piper twists her hand over the Coolidust, and Coolio presently appears before them. Still with the puckered lips. Is this a permanent condition for the man? "Who resurrected you?" Phoebe demands. Lengthy pause. "Ax him!" Coolio shouts, shooting an accusatory finger at The Sole. A lengthy round of startled reaction shots. "You swore I'd never see a cemetery again if I helped you," Coolio continues. "You set me up!" Coolio spills the details of the plot. "Okay, Cole, what is going on?" Phoebe hyperventilates. "Because I gotta tell you that right now I am freaking. Out!" Cole takes a moment, then languidly rolls his eyes. "Ah, what's the point?" he shrugs, tossing aside his shovel. "You already figured it out." He flings an FBOD into Coolio, who dissolves once more for the last time. Phoebe wigs as Piper and Raige huddle around her protectively. The Dolt stands ineffectually off to the side. The Sole morphs down into D'Eartha. Is he now The D'Ole? D'Amn.

Phoebe gets all up in The D'Ole's face. The D'Ole reveals that "Cole" is "unconscious in the mausoleum." She indicates a low building nearby that is not the Mausoleum mausoleum. It's not even The Late Lamented's mausoleum. The Third-Hardest Working Cemetery In Show Business is larger than I remembered. "Why would you save us one day and try to kill us the ?" Raige snits. "For the same reason -- to keep the balance of power between good and [Eeevil]," The D'Ole replies. Piper claims she's being "cryptic," but that's a pretty reasonable explanation as far as I'm concerned. The D'Ole, however, elaborates. She lies about having had a vision that, should Phoebe marry Cole on that particular day, she would become a witch possessed of such immense power as to tilt the balance towards the forces of good. The D'Ole's sole (oy) purpose was to stop the wedding. Now that she has, she can leave. The D'Ole blazes on out. "Bitch," clenches Piper. Snerk. The Dolt offers to finish burying Coolio's remains while the gals head off to find Cole. The Ps agree and leave him alone by the grave.

Over in the ordinary, garden-variety mausoleum, The D'Ole blazes in, clutches her pearls, and morphs back into The Sole. He rips off his bow tie and drops to the ground just as Phoebe, Piper, and Raige clomp down the stairs. They quickly determine that he's okay. The Sole claims D'Eartha probably wouldn't have killed him anyway. "Killing is beneath her," he states as he's eased to his feet. "She only does it if she has to." The Dolt joins the group, and they head towards the exit.

In an upper hallway, Raige gives voice to her lingering suspicions. "If [D'Eartha] really wanted to stop the wedding," she asks The Sole, "why wouldn't she kill you?" "You'd have to ask her," Cole mildly replies. The Dolt stops them all short when he spots "The Chapel Of The Gardens" off to the side. And, oh! How convenient! There appears to be a priest puttering around the altar! "It's cute," Piper perks. "And perfect," The Sole adds. "For what?" asks the Feebs. "For a wedding," The Sole duhs. Piper couldn't agree more. It takes little prodding for Phoebe to go along with this idea. The five flash their teeth at the camera and scamper into the chapel. The priest turns at their entrance, and to the surprise of absolutely no one at all, it's Prior Pock.

Through a wedding, darkly. In a voiceless montage, The Sole plucks a pink rose from an arrangement and presents it to Phoebe. As she slides it into the buttonhole in his lapel, she gouges her thumb on one of the thorns. The Sole gently lifts her thumb to his lips and ingests the bead of blood. Deliberately. In slow motion. Twice. So. We. Get. It. A shot of the wedding party gathered in front of the altar. Prior Pock, holding the rings up for the blessing. Phoebe, glowing. Piper, beaming. Raige, balancing her checkbook in her head. The Dolt, not shutting up, despite the fact that there is no spoken dialogue. Shut up, Dolt. Phoebe places a ring on The Sole's finger. The Sole slips a ring onto Phoebe's finger. Oops. It's supposed to be worn inside the engagement ring, Sole. You'll have to do that again. Some other time, when I don't have to watch. As Phoebe and The Sole lock hands and Prior Pock envelops their hands in his own for the final blessing, the Hell chorus on the soundtrack whispers something along the lines of, "Jasonjasonjasonjason. Killkillkillkill. Runrunrunrun." How much do you have to tip a Hell chorus after a wedding? "Not two, but one," intones Prior Pock, "'til life be gone." He then smiles broadly and, brimming with pride, announces, "You may kiss the bride." The Sole leans in and plants a sloppy one on Phoebe's lips. She breaks away. "We did it," she whispers. "Yes," he answers. "We did." The shot cuts away to reveal D'Eartha standing unseen at the back of the chapel as Raige, Piper, and the Dolt congratulate Phoebe and The Sole. "It is done," she states simply, with more menace in three little words than Coolio worked into his entire performance. A hint of a smile crosses D'Eartha's face as we fade to black.

week: More of the same, minus the wedding.