If I told you I was watching a glistening, half-naked man with a long, blunt weapon approaching a Benedictine monk from the rear while the closed captioning read, "[grunts]," "[breathing heavily]," and "[man chanting in a foreign language]," you'd think I was watching some bizarre European gay bondage video, right? Oh, admit it. You would. And you'd be wrong. It's simply the opening shot of tonight's episode. Cole porn for the masses, if you will. Well, Cole porn, if Cole were a set of identical twins who do man-on-man S&M videos for the rent money. So Cole, half-naked, glistening, grunting, breathing heavily, and wagging a big old sword around, enters a chamber half-lit by an unseen source of red light. Gripping that sword of his with both hands, he silently approaches a cowled, chanting figure. Just as Cole prepares to plunge the weapon into the monk, the monk calls, "Wait!" Because, you see, the task at hand would be so much easier if the monk removed his robes first. The monk turns around and lowers the hood of his cowl, and it's Cole again, all sharp bone structure and pouty lips. "You don't really want to hurt me, do you?" simpers Cole The Second. Well, I suppose that depends on what's meant by "hurt" in this context. "But how?" pants Cole The First. The Second's answer is a mighty bitch-slap that sends The First tumbling backwards through the air to land on the sandy floor on his back. Two tops, battling for dominance. So sad. You think they'd be a little more versatile. "We're one now," The Second states, slowly approaching the prone First. "I'm reborn within you." Kinky. And narcissistic. "I'll fight it -- I'll kill us both if I have to," promises The First, being coy in that porn way where the gym bunny claims he doesn't want it until the point where he really, really does want it after all. Or something like that. Cole The First continues, "I won't let you hurt Phoebe." Who? Sorry, it's just that Cole has more chemistry with himself than he ever does with her. "You won't have a choice," notes The Second, plunging the sword into The First's body at some point well south of his navel. Cole The First screams, and...
...wakes up in his own bed in the Bimbo Boudoir. He's still sweaty, shirtless, and panting, only this time Phoebe's snoozing away at his side. He gasps a few more times before flinging the covers off of his legs into a wipe that takes us to the opening credits.
"Chaderm DEMARCH MARCHED RACHMED ACHDERM HARDMED ARCHEMD RACHEDM EDCHEMA CHMARED CHAREMD CHARMED." Yep. Still the same. What? It was a short pre-credits sequence. I was bored.
Oven-cam. Piper lugs a baking tray of some breakfast treats out of the oven and totes them into the dining room, bellowing for Phoebe and Raige. The Dolt, of course, is already at the table, ready to eat the food he neither paid for nor prepared. In answer to Piper's summons, Raige flies down through the ceiling from the second level of the Manor in a cloud of orbs. She materializes fully just in time to slam into Piper, sending both women to the floor. The Dolt continues to eat. Piper's surprised, not by her husband's gluttonous, free-loading ways, but rather by Raige's newfound talent. "Did you orb in from a different room?" she asks, impressed. Actually, the closed captioning has her asking Raige if she "warp[ed]," but, you know, screw the deaf. Raige confirms this while admitting she still needs to iron out the kinks. Raige then spots the alarming array of food on the table and darts to a chair to tuck in. Seriously, Piper is such a martyr. She's prepared a full-scale breakfast for five, complete with place settings and serving platters and pitchers of milk and orange juice and whatnot. Get a hobby, sweetheart. Or a life. The Dolt starts talking through a mouthful of half-chewed food, which only makes me hate him more. He mumbles that orbing burns a lot of calories, thereby explaining Raige's unusual craving for solid food. "Why do you think I married a chef?" he adds, winking. Oh, stow it, you boorish, sexist lout. Piper deems the expansion of Raige's powers "another reason to celebrate" while Raige and the Dolt shove frittatas into their gaping maws. Seems Piper intended this breakfast banquet to be a celebration of sorts for vanquishing The Source. A week ago. She couldn't have done this on Sunday? Raige apologizes for her lack of table manners, insisting that she would take longer to eat did she not want to arrive at THE BLACK HOLE OF SOCIAL SERVICES on time for a change.
Phoebe plows down the stairs at this moment to let Piper know that Cole's left the Manor already, and all she needs is "a caffeine I.V." Piper gets strident about everyone else's apparent indifference to the death of their collective "mortal enemy," as Raige bounds out of her chair to race to work and The Powers That Be ring the Dolt's bell. The Dolt guesses the Elders want to convey a message of congratulations to the Glamorous Ladies, and orbs out with a croissant. Phoebe winces as if hungover and mutters, "Does he have to do that so brightly?" Piper sighs and collapses into the Dolt's chair with, "Well, that will teach me to be in a good mood." Snicker. Girl talk ensues, of the "what's up Phoebe's ass this episode?" variety. Phoebe went to bed last night feeling fine, then woke up this morning with a vague sense of doom involving her fiancé. "It feels like a premonition that's trying to come out," she explains, "but it never quite does." Piper diagnoses this as yet another case of pre-wedding jitters, but Phoebe has her doubts about that. Piper shushes her, arguing that "the only reason" Phoebe hasn't married Cole is because The Source was still lurking about. Now that The Source is dead, Phoebe is "that much closer to taking [a] very long walk down the aisle." That wailing siren you all hear is my bullshit alarm going off. First Phoebe wouldn't marry Cole because he was half-demon. Then she wouldn't marry him because he was fully human but had yet to find his place in the mortal world. Then Phoebe backed off because of some supposed fear of commitment engendered by her parents' divorce. Then it was because she feared a loss of identity made manifest by a cursed engagement ring. Now it's simply because The Source was lurking about? Make up your freaking minds about this thing or have Phoebe pull a Heche and start dating a female Elvis impersonator, because this shit is just tired. Phoebe sighs, "It feels like there's something else." Yeah, Phranc crooning "Only The Lonely," so get off the stick and get on her Harley already.
Hell. No, that was not an expression of frustration; it was a reference to the location of the scene. Cole blazes all Source-like into The Chamber Of D'Eartha. D'Eartha has not changed her clothes since the last episode, but given Eilish's unfortunate habit of chomping on a crack cookie before making any major costuming decisions, it's probably for the best if Debbi Morgan remains in that sedate pashmina poncho of hers for the remainder of her tenure on this show. Cole seethes, "How did I get here?" D'Eartha claims The Source's power drew him to her lair, and she sees Cole accepting that power very soon. Cole clamps his right hand around her throat and shouts, "You never told me I'd become The Source if I helped vanquish him!" D'Eartha reminds him that she foresaw the two of them "doing great things together." Vanquishing The Source was simply the first in a long line of collaborative efforts. Agonized, Cole drops to his knees. Not for nothing, but the boy has been dropping to his knees a lot lately. Cole vows to fight the pull of The Source's powers and blah, D'Eartha notes that those powers would have overwhelmed him already were he not "clinging so vigorously" to his love for Phoebe and wah, and then the two really get frisky with the exposition. Once Cole dumps Phoebe and allows The Source to "fully assimilate" him, The Source's powers will "protect" Cole from Phoebe's premonitions. However, before that can happen, D'Eartha and Cole have to see to "Kurzon," a challenger for The Source's throne. Hell is in chaos due to the presumed death of The Source, and Kurzon is plotting an uprising to wrest control of the underworld for himself. At the moment, Cole is not "shtron geenuf" to vanquish Kurzon, but the Charmed Ones are. D'Eartha plans to convince Kurzon that the Glamorous Ladies are preparing to attack him. Meanwhile, Cole is to ensure that the Ps can defeat him. Cole flatly refuses to follow D'Eartha's orders. D'Eartha gets a wicked glint in her eye and reminds Cole that even if he is unwilling, The Source is more than happy to do as she wishes. Cole blazes out just as suddenly and unexpectedly as he blazed in. D'Eartha smirks.
A short sidebar, just to digest all of the new rules they threw at us during that last exchange. So The Source Of All Eeevil is merely an agglomeration of powers that can be transferred from host to host and not an individual that has existed since the beginning of time. Okay. That agglomeration, having been Eeevil for centuries, would not be affected by any reservations the new host might have about joining the dark side, so The Mythological Forty-Eight-Hour Window Of Brad Kern Yanking This Out Of His Ass has no bearing on Cole's current situation. No problem there, I suppose. The agglomeration can somehow be vanquished on its own, allowing The Throne Of Hell to be occupied by others, as hinted at by this Kurzon person's planned coup. Gotcha. Cole, therefore, is not really Eeevil at the moment, he's simply possessed -- or infected, if you will. If the gals can figure out a way to knock The Source out of him, everything will be fine. I can live with that. Here's the problem: Why would D'Eartha not have absorbed The Source into herself when The Hollow was banished once more to its crypt? And don't give me that line of crap about Cole having a "void" in himself where Belthazor used to exist, thereby making it easier for the agglomeration to infect him. The Belthazor half of our favorite demonic boy-toy is completely gone and has been for months. Since D'Eartha's so eager for power, why didn't she snatch it up for herself? Is there some Spelling rule that says, "Girls can be bouncy and perky and show off their tits but can't be trusted with power," perhaps? Face it, the Glamorous Ladies are pretty much earthbound tools for the presumably-male Elders. (Shades of Charlie's Angels, if you think about it, where Kelly, Jill, and Sabrina did all the work and John Forsythe got the business, the credit, and most of the cash.) I realize that Cole's character was going nowhere without his Eeevil side, but would it have broken some Law Of Aaron for them to hire Debbi Morgan as the new Source or something?
Whatever. Cole blazes into a bathroom at the Manor and staggers over to the mirror to stare at his reflection for a bit. Cole looks like Robbie Williams, and by that I mean it looks like he just woke up from a weeklong bender involving booze, whores, and anthrax. Good job with the haggard make-up. He takes a couple of deep breaths, trying to pull himself together, before he steps out into the upstairs hallway. Phoebe nearly runs right into him and asks where he's been. He mumbles some excuses, then grips his head in pain. He claims he has a migraine and pushes past her to head downstairs. Piper wanders in, wondering what's going on. Phoebe sighs, "I wish I knew."
The scene cuts to what appears to be an abandoned garden supply store. Kurzon stands in the center of a circle of minions, exhorting them to complete their assigned yet never-defined tasks before nightfall. The actor playing Kurzon is a pretty, bland, standard-issue lunkhead who would not be out of place on JAG. Not that I ever watch JAG. I've seen pictures of the cast. Shut up. Most of the minions squiggle out as D'Eartha wanders in from the shadows. "You will not live to lead the underworld," she warns slyly. Kurzon bites, asking D'Eartha what she's seen of his future. She tells a tale of a lone powerful witch who's drawn a target on Kurzon's back. If he doesn't take this witch out, he'll never be the king of Hell. The remaining minion -- a shorter gent with unruly hair -- gives D'Eartha the once-over and pissily snipes, "Her loyalties are with the last Source. Don't trust her." Catfight! D'Eartha shoots the underling a look that would sear the paint off the side of a battleship as Kurzon asks her why she's offering him her assistance. She's a creature of habit, she claims -- one who repeatedly allies herself with "the ultimate power." Should Kurzon off this unnamed witch, nothing will prevent him from becoming the Source. Kurzon smiles, letting us all know he's bought this line of B.S.
THE BLACK HOLE OF SOCIAL SERVICES. Raige wanders into Bossman Bob's office, and holy Christ, what the fuck is she wearing? She's got on this orange tank top with yellow piping over a thin rainbow-patterned belt with a gold-plated double-pear clasp, which is bad enough. The part of the outfit that shoves good taste straight off a cliff is the bit below her waist. A chocolate-brown Madonna mini-kilt over brown jeans. I'd wonder what she was thinking with this outfit, were it not clear her brain orbed out of her skull to puddle on the carpet while she was getting dressed this morning. Ew. So, Bossman Bob rises from his chair with an overly-serious, "I'm gonna miss you, [Raige]." Raige immediately sputters out excuses for her habitual tardiness. Bossman Bob shuts her up. He'll miss her, he clarifies, as an assistant, because she's being promoted to full-fledged social worker. Raige is ecstatic, and becomes even more so when she learns the promotion comes with a "flexible work schedule." Shyeah. "Work." Pull the other one. Raige does have one question, however. She thought that "Scott" was in line for a promotion, as he has a couple of years' seniority over her. Bossman Bob reveals that Raige's success in helping Collagyn regain custody of her son tipped the scales in her direction. "You worked a miracle with her," Bob notes admiringly. Raige's face falls as she mutters something about personal gain. She recovers quickly to thank Bob for the opportunity, and turns to head back to her cubicle. The passed-over Scott offers an apparently genuine congratulations as Raige glides by his desk. Raige looks guilty. Honey, Scott has a mullet. Don't fret too much about stealing that promotion away from him.
Manor attic. Phoebe stands at the Book of Shadows, wistfully stroking the image of Belthazor accompanying his entry therein. Yeah, it was so much simpler back in the day, when you knew for a fact that your boyfriend wanted you dead. Piper enters from the hall, wondering what Phoebe's doing up there all by her lonesome. More tedious marriage chat of the "Phoebe's wavering again" variety. Phoebe can't put her finger on it, but there's something not quite right. "Why am I so damned confused all of a sudden?" she blurts. Because the script says so, sweetheart. Duh. Why are you suddenly searching for logical character motivation? Piper thinks about Phoebe's question for a moment, then suggests that Phoebe use the Book to ease her dim little tormented mind. Phoebe cannot believe her ears. Is Piper suggesting she use magic for personal gain? Not exactly. It won't be personal gain if Phoebe's careful in the wording of the spell she composes; nor will personal gain kick in if Phoebe's motivation is "pure." As Piper turns to leave, she warns Phoebe not to tell Raige. Piper doesn't want Raige "to think she can do it too," you see. Phoebe wiggles her eyebrows around and leafs through the Book.
Manor hall. Raige trundles in through the front door and slings her purse down on the table as Piper descends the stairs. "I hate it when you're right!" Raige snits. She asks if Piper remembers the spell Raige cast last week "to help [Collagyn] get her son back." Because the script says she must, Piper does indeed remember that spell. The script has no power over me, however, so I don't. Raige cast a spell to heal the bruises on Collagyn's face. Granted, Collagyn then hauled her upper lip and split ends into family court and got her son back, but the spell had nothing to do with it. Whatever. Raige and Piper believe Raige's promotion is a personal-gain side effect of the spell, which is complete bullshit because Raige cast the spell simply to help someone in need, but again, whatever. My arguments carry no weight here. Raige and Piper start to natter about how to correct this side effect as Kurzon squiggles into the dining room behind them. Raige clamps her hands on Piper's shoulders and shoves her to the floor as Kurzon prepares a Flaming Ball Of Death. Raige summons the FBOD, which orbs from Kurzon's hand into her own. She wings the FBOD back in his direction, but her aim is off. It skitters across the dining room table to smack into the wall. Kurzon tosses another FBOD at Raige, who orbs out as it approaches her. She orbs back in mid-air, flailing her arms and legs for a bit before dropping to the floor. "I have had enough of this," Piper grits. "Buh-bye." She flicks her hand in Kurzon's direction, and the demon explodes into a haze of demon bits that presently reassemble themselves. "Two witches!" yells Kurzon. "KHAN!" Okay, it was "Damn her!" but Kurzon totally Shatnered his delivery there. He squiggles out with half of the dining room wall clenched between his teeth.
Piper and Raige collect themselves from the floor. Piper calls for the Dolt, who orbs in, only to have his wife berate him. Piper bitches about the "strangely Source-like" demon who just accosted them, and demands, "Can't we get a freaking day off around here?" The Dolt's answer is basically no. TPTB told him that a power vacuum exists in Hell that can be filled by the first dark demonic force who manages to off the Ps. While the gals "set [Eeevil] back a couple of decades" by getting rid of The Source, their jobs are by no means done. Piper remarks that Kurzon didn't seem to realize who they were, which she finds "insulting," by the way. The Dolt reminds her that if Kurzon didn't recognize the Charmed Ones when he initially attacked, he's certain to know who they are now. The three repair to the attic for some research.
Meanwhile, up in the attic, Phoebe scrawls "Should I MaRRy Cole?" on a slip of blue paper. She folds, spindles, and otherwise mutilates the slip, sets it on fire, and recites the following:
My love is strong, my spirit weak,
It is an answer that I seek;
A question burns within this fire,
So I may hear my heart's desire.
Phoebe drops the burning paper into a copper bowl as Piper, Raige, and the Dolt enter, calling her name. A dusty grey double whirlwind appears in the room, silencing all four of the attic's occupants for the moment. Eighty-four-year-old character actress Frances Bay materializes in the dust, along with a preadolescent girl in a navy-and-lavender-striped rugby shirt. "What's going on?" Frances barks. "How did I get here?" "That's an excellent question," Piper replies. "God!" Frances snits, glaring at Feebs. "What have you done?" Feebs backs cautiously away from Frances, stuttering, "Who are you?" "What's the matter? Don't you recognize me?" Frances responds, shaking her finger in Phoebe's face. "I'm you -- Phoebe." The kid advances nervously, admitting that her name is Phoebe as well. Piper and the Dolt rest their lower jaws on the floor. Raige raises her eyebrows and puckers her lips in delight. Phoebe goggles as The Flatulent Oboe Of Comedic Hijinks tootles us out to commercial.
Back from the break, the preadolescent Phoebe impresses no one with her "acting" "skills." She whines something about not knowing who all these adults are and what they're doing in her house, then tries to climb out the attic window. Several people on the forums have noted that this mad dash into mid-air is a depressingly early sign of Phoebe's utter stupidity, and while I would love to agree, I'm forced to remind them of the trellis that runs up the side of the house. And while my attention is wandering from the scene at hand, let's settle on some names for the various Phoebes, shall we? Elder Phoebe shall be "Phrances," Current Phoebe will be "Phoebe" (or "Feebs," should the situation warrant it), and Tiny Phoebe will be "Whiny Little Talent-Phree Bitch." Kidding about that last one. How does "Phoebette" sound? I'm just asking to be polite. This isn't a democracy, you know. So, Phoebe yanks Phoebette from the windowsill and tries to have her believe she's "dreaming." Piper finds this as asinine as I do, which is why Piper is my Charmed girlfriend. Phoebette's not buying it either. "I'm ten," simpers she. "I'm not stupid." Phoebette then flees the attic, screeching "Grams!" in a high-pitched yowl. "Wow," Piper notes as she claps her hands over her ears. "I did not miss that." Cole walks into the attic as Phoebette races out. He glances briefly at the child as if wondering if he should push her down the stairs. Unfortunately, he decides that would be more trouble than it's worth, and continues crossing to Phoebe. Cole's looking ten kinds of malarial at the moment, yet no one comments on his wasted appearance. Phrances gasps, "Cole?" Cole's all, "Who are you?" Phrances sneers, "Maybe this will refresh your memory, you bastard," and decks Cole in the face. Piper, Phoebe, Raige, and the Dolt gape a bit before the Dolt suggests that they figure out where Phoebette's hidden herself. Piper orders Raige to research Kurzon in the BoS, instructs Phoebe to work things out with Phrances posthaste, and exits with the Dolt.
Raige steps over to the Book and starts flipping pages. Cole, meanwhile, asks Phoebe for an explanation. She tells him she "cast a spell to hear [her] heart's desire," and, well, you know the rest. Cole wonders what Phoebe thought she would hear. Phoebe replies that it's a matter for herselves to discuss, and moves to leave with Phrances in tow. As Phrances passes Cole, she sardonically raises an eyebrow and beams, "Worried?" Hee! Little old character actresses rock. Raige mutters in frustration at the Book, then describes Kurzon for Cole. Cole pays her no mind, choosing instead to blaze out of the attic. Actually, I suppose The Agglomeration Formerly Known As The Source chose to blaze out of the attic, but you know what I mean. Raige eventually realizes that Cole has left. She flips her hair around, makes a funny "whatever" face, and pouts, "Can't anybody help me?"
Hell. Cole blazes in to be greeted by D'Eartha. D'Eartha's convinced that TAFKATS dragged Cole there to tell her something useful. Cole wrinkles his nose in disgust at the thought of this, and snides that maybe the big news is that Phoebe's managed to conjure up a fortune teller of her own. He describes Phrances as someone from the future who "will be all too willing to tell" Phoebe what he himself can't. D'Eartha glowers, then spins on her heel to light a few more candles. Because God knows she doesn't have enough lit to start a bonfire already. D'Eartha knows Phrances won't tell Phoebe anything that might jeopardize the Charmed Ones. Good witches are "overly cautious" about such things when time-traveling. Phrances will ensure that her version of the future comes to pass by keeping her mouth shut. Cole and D'Eartha hiss and scratch at each other about his "destiny" and his "love" for Phoebe before Cole blazes on out of there. Once he's gone, D'Eartha flicks her poncho around and stares into a circle of candles. The milky cataracts obscure her eyes.
Up in the Bimbo Boudoir, Phrances lifts one of Phoebe's embroidered bustiers off the bed and holds it up against her body. "The good old days," she jokes. "Of course," she adds, "nobody's going to take you seriously until you stop dressing like a tramp!" Best. Line. Ever. Since Phrances brought up clothing, I should mention that she's wearing a demure denim blouse buttoned all the way up to her neck under a thick, comfortable-looking sweater. Phrances perches on the bed and opens her -- their -- scrapbook. The first couple of photos are of newborn Phoebe in a hospital bassinet. For those of you obsessed with such detail, Phoebe's birth weight was six pounds, four ounces. Of course, those of you obsessed with such detail will also remember something about Phoebe having been born in the Manor. I suppose they could have moved her to the hospital afterwards, but, really, what would have been the point of that? "We had such promise," Phrances notes fondly. Phoebe's freaked out by Phrances's tone. She needs to know what misery awaits her in the future. Phrances ignores the question and carries on with the reminiscing. Phoebe shuts her down, snapping the scrapbook closed and bitching about their latest demonic enemy. "Don't talk to me about demons!" Phrances snorts darkly, leading Phoebe to ask more specific questions about Cole. Do they get divorced? Does he cheat on her? Phrances flatly refuses to alter her past by speaking about it. She long ago accepted it or processed through her issues with it or whatever, and nothing Phoebe says will convince her to change her mind. Phoebe argues that, from her perspective, the future has yet to take place. Do she and Cole even get married in the first place? Phrances asks how Phoebe knows she isn't still married to Cole in 2058. Phoebe points out that Phrances isn't wearing a wedding ring. This shuts Phrances up long enough for Phoebe to argue that Phrances wouldn't have been dragged into the past by the spell were she not meant to offer Phoebe some sort of counsel regarding the marriage issue. Phrances gets frisky at this, countering that she "didn't need a spell to decide what to do." "You must make this decision without using magic, just like I did." "Yeah," Phoebe snarks, "and that worked out real well for us, I see." I really want Phrances to smack the crap out of Phoebe right now. Not only does Phoebe deserve it after that last remark, but I want to see if Phrances's own head would snap around from the impact. Now that would be funny. Phrances, unfortunately, keeps her hands to herself. She does give Phoebe a bit of the verbal bitch-slapping, though, as she draws herself up to demand that Phoebe have the Dolt orb her back to the future as soon as possible. Phoebe grouses that maybe Phrances should ask the Dolt herself. Sorry. Phrances intends to remain firmly ensconced in the Bimbo Boudoir "out of the path of history," and Phoebe can forget about trying other arguments. They both know how pointless it is to get a Phoebe to change her mind once that mind has been made up. Phoebe sighs in exasperation and leaves the room. Phrances watches her go with just a hint of apprehension in her eyes. So, at what point in the future does Phoebe learn how to act?
Down in the main hallway, Phoebette hides behind a plant with her fingers screwed into her ears. She's chanting "Row, Row, Row Your Boat" over and over again so as not to hear Piper's pleas for maturity. Piper looks like she's seconds away from slitting the brat's throat. Phoebe trails down the stairs and attempts to reason with Phoebette. She eventually convinces the kid that they mean her no harm through mentioning Grams's natterings about magic and how "anything is possible," and claiming that magic brought Phoebette into her own future. For proof, Phoebe presents Phoebette with the scrapbook. Phoebette melts, and Phoebe sends her into the parlor to look at the pictures. Phoebe then chats with Piper and the Dolt, noting that Phrances is being cantankerous and stubborn and obstinate and generally old-ladylike. The Dolt reminds Phoebe that her past and future selves arrived at the Manor for a reason, and they won't return to their own times until the spell has run its course. Phoebe believes that that won't happen as long as Phrances continues to nurse her "grudge" against Cole. Speaking of Cole, into the hall he steps from the dining room. Phoebette gets all boy-crazy at the sight of him and starts, like, dry-humping the throw pillows on the sofa. Cole's sporting dark smudges under his eyes and looks strung-out as all hell, but I of all people should be able to appreciate her sentiment. Phoebe smirks and introduces Cole as "our fiancé" while flashing her engagement ring. Phoebette gets giggly and calls Cole "the prince who sweeps us off our feet." Piper nearly barks up a lung chortling in derision at her sister's squicky little fantasy life. Phoebe bats at Piper with her hand. Cinderella was Phoebe's favorite fairy-tale heroine as a child, and she can't believe she'd forgotten about Prince Charming. The Dolt opines that perhaps Phoebette was summoned to remind Phoebe of her childhood dreams. What in the who, now? Phoebe's childhood fantasies are supposed to dictate Phoebe's choices as an adult? Shut up, Dolt. Cole finds this all very enchanting -- not -- and suggests that they figure out who the surprise "visitor" was before the gentleman drops by again. Phoebe, Piper, and the Dolt head back to the attic, leaving Phoebette in Cole's care. Phoebette leers at Cole. Cole obviously hates children as much as I do. Yet another sign that we were meant to be.
Fertile Delta Gardening & Demonic Supply Shoppe. D'Eartha materializes unannounced behind Kurzon's back. The special effects for D'Eartha's manner of entry are pretty good, by the way. An outline of her face and figure appears first in lines of white, blue, and purple; then the outline is filled in by D'Eartha herself. Anyway, the startled Kurzon thrusts a sword at D'Eartha's throat, claiming that she "set [him] up against the Charmed Ones." D'Eartha feigns ignorance. She saw only one witch. How was she to know Raige was actually a P? She smooth-talks Kurzon, telling him of Phoebette. Should Kurzon kill the child, he will have also killed the adult, thereby breaking the Power of Three forever. Yeah, "forever," unless Brad Kern can pull another long-lost sister out of his ass. Kurzon's pissy butt-boy thinks this is another of D'Eartha's tricks, but Kurzon once again buys what she's selling. This man is too stupid to run Hell. Come on, D'Eartha. Just become the Source yourself. We all know you want to.
Manor attic. Raige has found Kurzon's entry in the BoS; she slides the Book across the table to Phoebe and Piper. "Kurzon is an enemy of The Source who was banished from the underworld for inciting a failed coup," Phoebe reads. Well, thank you for clearing that up for us, Feebs. The Dolt guesses they'll need a Power of Three spell to vanquish him. Just then, Phoebette's high-pitched squeals of terror reach the foursome's ears. Down in the parlor, Kurzon hurls an FBOD at the moppet. Cole blocks it with his body as the "actress" playing Phoebette does her very best impersonation of someone fainting. Kurzon approaches Cole, addressing him as "Belthazor." Cole reminds Kurzon that Belthazor's dead as Cole surreptitiously smokes a dagger into his hand behind his back. Cole then whips the dagger into Kurzon's stomach. "It'll take more than that to stop me," Kurzon sneers, twisting the dagger from his gut to drop it on the floor. Cole flings one of the Source's FBODs at Kurzon, sending Kurzon ass-first through a coffee table. Kurzon rises to his feet, somehow recognizes TAFKATS lurking within Cole's body, and squiggles out. The Ps plus the Dolt clatter down the stairs. Phoebe skitters immediately to Phoebette's side. Phoebette rises from her "swoon" to gaze adoringly at Cole and simper, "You saved me!" Phoebe beams. The Dolt gives Cole a chummy punch in the shoulder. Cole glares at the Dolt as if to say, "Another chummy punch, Dolt, and you're losing an arm." Cole turns his head back to the camera and into the break.
Manor parlor. Phoebette relates her version of events, which doesn't offer any of them much information, seeing as how she "fainted" and everything. Raige hands her a glass of water. Phoebette demands to know who the hell Raige is, anyway. Raige begins to answer truthfully, but Piper and Phoebe quickly natter the lie that Raige is their cousin. I don't know why I'm bothering, but given the events of this episode, I have to wonder why the current Ps wouldn't be honest about Raige's background and tell Phoebette about the circumstances surrounding the death of The Late Lamented. One would assume the kid could then tell Grams when she returns to 1984, and Grams could decide whether or not to warn the gals about the fatal encounter with Fruma-Shax. It's what I would do, at any rate, but then again, I'm not the screaming diva who had Shannen Doherty fired. Speaking of screaming divas, the Dolt proposes that he orb away from the Manor with Phoebette. Kurzon obviously knows who the tyke is, so it would be in Phoebe's best interest to get the kid out of the house. Cole, meanwhile, can have "allergy attack" join "malaria" and "heroin withdrawal" on his list of apparent afflictions. His lower lids are puffy and red, and his eyes are slitted and watery. Am I really supposed to believe that none of the others notice anything wrong with him? Anyway, the Dolt takes Phoebette by the hand, and the two orb out.
Raige moves to take Phoebette's glass back to the kitchen and spots the bloody dagger on the rug. She hoists it into the air and asks Cole where it came from. Cole thinks fast and tells them the dagger is Kurzon's. The demon tried to use it on Cole, but Cole managed to nail the demon with it instead. Piper suspiciously asks Cole why Kurzon would resort to something as low-tech as a knife when he has all sorts of dark demonic powers at his disposal. Cole doesn't know! Besides! There's enough blood on the dagger to scry for Kurzon! So who cares! Piper and Raige raise eyebrows of doubt at this explanation, but choose to go along with it for the moment. Cole's staggering through the Manor like Typhoid Mary, and it's his explanation for the damned dagger that sets their Spidey sense to tingling? Whatever. Raige wanders off to fetch a map and a crystal. Cole plants himself in a chair while Piper and Phoebe try to figure out how Kurzon knew about Phoebette. Cole too-casually reminds them of D'Eartha. Piper and Phoebe decide that this explanation makes enough sense to satisfy their curiosity. Phoebe asks Cole to assist Piper in composing a Kurzon vanquish while she attempts to reason with her elder self up in the Bimbo Boudoir.
Bimbo Boudoir. Phrances gazes at a framed snapshot of Phoebe and Cole caught in a loving embrace. Phrances lets herself get a little verklempt at this. Aw. Phrances quickly snaps out of it, though, when Phoebe clomps into the bedroom. Phoebe lays it on the line: Phrances must answer the question Phoebe posed when reciting the spell. Should she or should she not marry Cole? Phoebette's pretty much weighed in on the topic. If Phrances doesn't do so as well, Phrances and Phoebette will be trapped in 2002, thereby risking Phoebe's life and, by extension, the lives of Piper and Raige. Phrances rightly notes that she can't answer Phoebe's question without also risking the lives of untold thousands in the future. Phoebe, of course, makes it all about her, upbraiding Phrances for setting Phoebe down the path to become an embittered, loveless old bag in fifty-odd years. Phrances's duty to the past as she knows it, though, precludes any further discussion of the matter. Phoebe tosses attitude all around the Boudoir, babbling something about Phrances having "doomed [them] both," and stomps out of the room. Phrances turns back to the photo on Phoebe's vanity, then glances off to the side thoughtfully. No, Phrances! Don't give in to that whiny little sow!
Down on the sun porch, Cole paces restlessly while Piper works on the vanquish and Raige scries for Kurzon. Phoebe enters and flops down onto the wicker loveseat to Piper in frustration. Phrances isn't being terribly helpful, she announces, and fills them in on Phrances's side of the argument. Cole gets the faintest hint of a smile when he hears that Phrances's justification for remaining mum on the topic of the future is just as D'Eartha predicted it would be. Or, you know, TAFKATS smiles through Cole. Whatever. There's some pointless nattering about Raige's personal-gain issue before the scrying crystal slams down onto the city map in the middle of a waterfront neighborhood. The Ps leap to their feet to exit. Phoebe playfully warns Cole to stay away from the Boudoir "unless [he wants] to get slapped again." Raige asks if Cole wants to join them on the Kurzon hunt. Cole's all, "Who? Me? Why? I'm not a demon anymore!" Raige shrugs and follows Piper and Phoebe out of the Manor. Cole immediately blazes out of the sun porch.
Chamber Of D'Eartha. Cole blazes in. D'Eartha stands with her back to him. "Look at me," Cole orders. D'Eartha ignores him. "Look at me!" Cole rages. D'Eartha wheels around, alarmed. She sent Kurzon to kill Phoebe, didn't she? Didn't Cole warn her to leave Phoebe alone? D'Eartha claims whatever she did was in Cole's best interests. Cole conjures an SFBOD and leaves it hanging in the air as he rails at D'Eartha for disobeying his orders. He mutters that should Phoebe die, Cole will lose his soul. TAFKATS needs Cole's soul "to regain what [TAFKATS has] lost." D'Eartha is delighted to hear TAFKATS speaking of Cole in the third person. Me? Not so much. It's a bitch to type, for one thing. TAFKATS assures D'Eartha that he's willing to forgive her transgression this once. Should D'Eartha attempt to injure Phoebe in the future? TAFKATS whips the SFBOD into a wall, where it explodes. D'Eartha jumps a bit at the impact. The implication is, of course, that D'Eartha will be the recipient of the SFBOD. TAFKATS blazes out as D'Eartha glances uneasily at his disappearing form.
Manor sun porch. Cole blazes back in and senses the presence of someone else in the room. He turns to spy Phrances waiting patiently for his return. "I've been expecting you," she says, the steel of her resolve apparent in the tone of her voice. Cole gazes warily at her as we cut to commercial.
Back from the break, Frances Bay and Julian McMahon share a scene that ends up being far sweeter than I would ever like to admit, especially because it comes frighteningly close to promoting the fallacy of "soul mates" by name. As it is, the scene does make Phoebe and Cole's relationship seem dangerously co-dependent, but then again, we're talking about a witch and a freaking demon here, after all. It begins with Phrances and Cole sniping at each other. Phrances knows he's infected with The Source, though 2002 Phoebe is and will remain ignorant of this fact for quite some time. Phrances reveals that she called off the wedding all those many years ago not knowing of Cole's infection, but she, Piper, and Raige realized soon enough that they had to vanquish him. And so they did. Phrances was left with a lifetime of regrets, mainly because she never knew if Cole succumbed to TAFKATS because she gave up on him, or if the destruction of Cole by TAFKATS would have occurred anyway. Cole melts a bit at this confession, admitting that he wants desperately to rid himself of TAFKATS, but doesn't know if that's possible. Phrances decides it's worth a try, and announces she intends to tell Phoebe the truth. "Magic happens for a reason, Cole," she tells him gently. "I have to trust that I'm meant to change this." She strokes his cheek with her hand and adds that Phoebe reminded her what it was like to have hope in the future. Phrances's eyes glisten a bit and she shrugs as if to say, "What the hell. It's worth a try." I'm loving the fact that eighty-four-year-old Frances Bay got to have a love scene with the thirty-three-year-old slice of gorgeous that is Julian McMahon. Atta girl. Kurzon squiggles in to ruin all the fun. "I'm not intruding, am I?" Phrances and Cole look like they're about to pummel him to death with their bare hands.
Over near the waterfront, the gals hop out of the SUV as Piper bitches about having lost Kurzon's trail. Raige flips the map open on the hood of the car and waves the crystal over it. The crystal dive-bombs onto the Manor's coordinates. "We'll never make it back in time," Phoebe moans. Piper's face lights up as she gets an idea. Raige immediately knows what Piper's up to and begs off. Sure, Raige orbed from one level of the Manor to the other that morning, but going from that to orbing "across town with two passengers"? Is Piper crazy? Not so much crazy as overconfident. Piper and Phoebe latch onto Raige's arms. Raige presently orbs out with Phoebe alone. The orb cloud rises about ten feet above the street before Raige realizes she's missing a sister. An orby arm reaches down to yank Piper into the air.
Back at the manor, Kurzon hurls an FBOD into Cole's chest. Cole retaliates with one of his own. Kurzon squiggles out, and the SFBOD vanquishes a couple of plants. Phrances helps Cole to his feet as Kurzon squiggles back in behind Cole with a sword. Kurzon unhinges his jaw and screams, barreling directly towards Cole. Phrances scoots Cole around and takes the sword right in her back. Dude. He just skewered an old lady. That is so unnecessary. Cole eases Phrances to the floor, then engages in some hand-to-hand combat with Kurzon. Piper, Phoebe, and Raige orb into the parlor and rush to recite the Kurzon vanquish:
Hell threw you from its inner core,
But Earth won't hold you any more;
Since Heaven cannot be your place,
Your flesh and blood we now erase.
I liked the haiku better.
Kurzon -- all together now -- howls and wails and blazes on down to Hell. Or wherever. Like I give a rat's ass about his disposition by this point. Phoebe finally notices Phrances groaning in pain on the floor. She cradles Phrances's head in her lap and calls for the Dolt. "She saved me," Cole says, more than a bit upset at this development. "There's your answer," Phrances whispers to Phoebe. Looks Of Concern all around. The Dolt orbs in with Phoebette and kneels to administer the Whitelighter tingly touch. It's no good -- Phrances is already dead. Cole looks like he's about to cry. Either that, or the cat dander is really bothering his eyes. Phrances's body vanishes, followed shortly by Phoebette. Piper guesses that the dual disappearance is because "the spell played itself out; [Phoebe] heard what [she] needed to hear." Phoebe glances up at Cole. Cole sheepishly averts his eyes.
Kitchen. Aftermath and Weekly Summation. Raige asks the Dolt how long it will be before she gets a chance to orb up to Whitelighterland. The Dolt counsels patience. Raige then wonders if Phoebe is destined to die at the age of eighty-four by having some pretty, vapid lunkhead run a sword through her gut. Piper and the Dolt remind her that the future is not etched in stone. Raige then inquires as to Phoebette -- won't her knowledge of the future cause complications? Piper's certain that Grams will cast a spell to erase Phoebette's memory as soon as she starts babbling about time traveling and orbing and the Dolt and whatnot. "That's nice," snarks Raige. "That's Grams," reminds Piper. Raige heads off to bed, but not before she announces that she's turning down the promotion in favor of giving Mulleted Scott the opportunity he deserves. Piper and the Dolt congratulate her on coming up with such a practical solution to her personal-gain issue. Whatever. It never was an issue in the first place, and I don't really care anyway.
Bimbo Boudoir. Tiresome wedding chat. Phoebe, perched on the end of the bed, asks, "Is there something you're not telling me about you? Something I don't know?" Lengthy pause. Cole walks over from the door and sits to her. Lengthy pause. "No." DUN! Phoebe smiles with relief and draws Cole into an embrace. The reverse angle focuses on his serious expression, then tracks back quickly from his face to disappear in a milky white cloud. The shot pulls back further to reveal D'Eartha's stony face. The cataracts clear from her eyes as she smiles and we fade to black.
week: A rerun of "A Paige From The Past." Enjoy.