We'll have an old-fashioned wedding.

S04E15

Bimbo Boudoir, the following morning. Phoebe stirs, squints at the sunlight streaming in through the curtains, and glances at the clock. To Phoebe's horror, the clock reads 11:07. She bolts upright in bed, then springs out into the hallway, berating Raige for failing to rouse her. Does your clock not have a goddamn alarm? Bitch. Phoebe clomps into the bathroom to wash her face as Raige rises groggily from her chair and Piper staggers into the hallway looking ten kinds of hungover. Phoebe shrieks and emerges from the bathroom with a rash of acne covering her forehead, cheeks, and chin. She howls in fury at Raige and lurches into her bedroom, muttering darkly about the spell Raige supposedly cast on the Heaven In A Jar. Phoebe blubbers at her vanity while Piper urges everyone to breathe. Raige, meanwhile, takes umbrage at Phoebe's suggestion that Raige is intentionally sabotaging the ceremony. Why is Phoebe so quick to blame her? "Face it, Phoebe," Raige snits, "this wedding has been filled with nothing but bad omens from the start." "And they all seem to be connected to you, now don't they?" Phoebe shoots back. Piper steps between the snarling, uh, witches, and assures Phoebe that make-up should cover the acne. Raige snorts derisively: "There's not enough spackle in the world to fill those craters." Phoebe leaps to her feet, ready to toss Raige out the window. Raige tells her to cram it. Raige will prove she has no intention of sabotaging the ceremony, and quickly recites the following oft-used spell:

Let the Object of Objection
Become but a Dream
As I cause the Seen
To be Unseen.

Little fairy lights dance across Phoebe's face, and the acne gradually disappears. More amusingly, Phoebe proceeds to vanish as well. Get it? The Object of Objection? Unfortunately, that gag was unintentional. More unfortunately, the same cannot be said of the "gag" that follows. InvisiPhoebe's empty pink pajamas stand in front of her vanity, holding Phoebe's form. InvisiPhoebe, overly enthused: "My zits are gone?" Piper, preternaturally calm: "I can honestly say that your face is completely clear." InvisiPhoebe: "Woo hoo!" You watch the commercials while I go pound my head through some of the drywall in my apartment.

Manor. They've finally filmed new establishing shots of the Manor that include Raige's Volkswagen in the driveway, by the way. Up in the attic, InvisiPhoebe has apparently stripped herself naked, presumably because the effects budget can't bear the strain of multiple shots of animated pink pajamas. Alyssa Milano's voice-over rages while various blue-screen shots of airborne wedding programs and the floating satin gown are superimposed over Raige and Piper. InvisiPhoebe even "knocks over" some books in frustration. Piper tells Alyssa's voice-over to shut up. Phoebe's current state is simply "a backfire to the vanishing spell." Once Piper finds an appropriate reversal in the Book of Shadows, everything will be fine. Daddy Dearest pokes his head into the room, wondering why the gals haven't dressed yet. There's a bit of business wherein InvisiPhoebe orders Daddy Dearest to escort the photographer to the church and Piper attempts to pass off the disembodied voice as her own effort at impersonating Phoebe's verbal tics for the toast at the reception. Daddy Dearest leaves. InvisiPhoebe bitches some more as she plants her naked ass down on a sofa. I hope they used ScotchGard on that thing. Raige cuts to the chase -- the vanishing spell should not have backfired. After all, it didn't when she used it on Billy and Collagyn. When you add that to the oversized wedding dress, the acne, and Coolio, it should be clear that there are demonic doings afoot in Halliwell Manor. Raige delivers a "buck up, little campers" pep talk, arguing that the Ps can vanquish whatever Eeevil forces are at work and still hold the ceremony as planned. Piper and Phoebe agree. The gals exit the attic with the BoS to prep for the wedding while continuing the search for a reversal in the Book.

Phoebe nearly passes out when she notes that Raige has not retrieved the wedding gown. Raige tells her to chill; the bridal shop is open late, and Raige intends to swing by on her way to the rehearsal dinner. Piper eases Phoebe into a pew, where Phoebe admits that she's "a little stressed out." Quite expectedly, she wants her special day to be "perfect," with "no glitches -- natural or supernatural" and "no magic." Which of course means her special day will be desperately flawed, with glaring glitches both natural and supernatural, and enough magic to choke a horse. Or a recapper. Phoebe also pointedly notes that she wants "no ghosts," either. She lifts her gaze to the ceiling and bellows, "DO YOU GUYS UNDERSTAND THAT?" A little louder, honey. I don't think Shannen heard you. I've a sneaking suspicion Rose McGowan was thinking the same thing during the filming of this scene, because a priceless sneer flits across her face during her reaction shot. Piper calms Phoebe, assuring her, "By this time tomorrow, you and Cole will be joined in holy matrimony."

Down in Hell, D'Eartha hisses at Cole, "Holy matrimony will be the worst possible thing that could happen." Her occluded eyes clear as she continues, "It will keep you from ever reigning as The Source." And why is that, exactly? Is there some rule in Hell like the one in the United Kingdom that forbids marriage between an heir to the throne and a Catholic or a divorcée? Or do the hounds of Hell simply object to The Source marrying furrily forearmed dimwits? Needless to say, it's never explained. Also, it's not the only bit of incomprehensible exposition in this scene. I won't attempt to lead you through the tangled dialogue step-by-step, as I'm not entirely certain I understand all of it myself. The contorted reasoning seems to be that Phoebe is bad for Cole, except for the times when she's good for him. I've dated people like that. I think. Like I said, I'm not sure I know what each is arguing to the other. What appears to be clear is that a "white wedding" would destroy Cole's rep with the various dark demonic forces he intends to rule. It should also be clear to even the most occasional of viewers that a white wedding would be the height of hypocrisy as far as Freebie is concerned. In any event, some sort of wedding between Cole and Phoebe is in order, as D'Eartha sees a son in their future -- "the most powerful child the magical world has ever seen." However, if that child is the product of the planned "holy" union, the child's powers will forever be linked to the forces of good. Cole must manage to marry Phoebe in a "dark way" to ensure that the child will be "the heir to [his] kingdom," rather than "the heir to their destiny." My brain hurts. Why would The Source -- or more specifically, The Agglomeration Formerly Known As The Source -- need an heir? Can't TAFKATS float around and infect whomever it chooses at will once its existing host has been vanquished? Last time I checked, Hell wasn't lacking in prospective hosts for TAFKATS should Cole bite the big one. This would make some sense were Cole still half-demon, but as far as has been established, Cole's basically some poor human schmuck who got sucked into this whole "I am the vessel" shtick. So why is it imperative for him to mix his little schmucky genes with Phoebe's little idiot ones?

Whatever. Were the cosmography of Charmed ever charted, I think we'd end up with a map featuring the Manor surrounded by a void labeled "Here Be Monsters," with a little slice of real estate devoted to the crack-addled writing staff. In any event, Cole -- known henceforth as The Sole until such time as TAFKATS sees fit to flee his body -- agrees with D'Eartha that the "white wedding" must be sabotaged to protect his potential progeny's birthright. He plans to set the Glamorous Ladies at each other's throats, with the help of some potions and a stunt-cast rap artist D'Eartha is to recruit for the mission. After ensuring the implosion of his intended's "perfect day," he'll somehow lure her into a dark wedding. What are the ingredients of a dark wedding? Why, a dark priest to perform the dark ceremony during the dark night in a dark graveyard, of course. Oh, and the dark groom will have to drink Phoebe's blood while he's at it. "And what are the chances of that?" D'Eartha snits. "Good," allows The Sole. "Very good." Credits. Finally.

Manor dining room. The rehearsal dinner seems to be winding down as the Ps, The Sole, the Dolt, Darryl, and Daddy Dearest snicker and guffaw amongst themselves over some wedding-related nonsense or another. This is the first time we've seen Daddy Dearest since The Late Lamented's funeral, by the way. He's jovial and amiable and giving the general impression that he's having a good time. I'm assuming he and Raige hashed out whatever issues they might have had with each other off-camera, because this episode is All About Phoebe. Pity. The Sole asks for quiet, and rises to his feet to present Darryl and the Dolt with their groomsmen's gifts. He calls the boys "two fine gentlemen," and admits that he chose them for the task because they're the only guys he knows. Snerk. The gifts are engraved Titleist Pro V1 brand golf balls. Ew. Darryl's delighted. The Dolt is despondent, for he does not golf. Daddy Dearest offers to take the Dolt's balls off his hands, and I refuse to comment on that. Phoebe retrieves the bridesmaids' gift baskets from a side table and presents them to Piper and Raige. The gifts include bonsai trees "for balance and harmony," and something called a dream catcher. Raige's basket also contains a new tarot deck, for which she is most grateful, as her current deck is a bit worn from use. I suppose I'll have to take her word for that, as we've never seen her give a tarot reading before on this show. The phone rings, and Phoebe's left Fun Bag drags her away from the table to answer it. Darryl and Daddy Dearest head to the front porch to smoke cigars while Piper and the Dolt dart over to the dessert table to scarf down some chocolate.

Left alone at the table with The Sole, Raige decides to flip over a few cards to see what the future holds for the soon-to-be-marrieds. The first card is The Lovers, the second reads "Despair," and the third card is Death. No, traditional tarot decks do not contain cards labeled "Despair." However, the illustration features a page being run through with great daggers, so pretend it's The Three Of Swords. Raige breathes, "Oh no," and glances from Death to Phoebe on the cordless and back over to The Sole. "You don't really believe those things, do you?" he asks mildly. Raige gives the slightest shake of her head and shrugs her shoulders as Phoebe returns from her phone call. The gals reveal that Phoebe's wedding dress is up in the attic. The Sole gets a wicked glint in his eye and excuses himself for a moment. Piper sets a tray of dessert treats on the table and asks Raige what the cards said. Raige pffts and lies, "Nothing."

In the kitchen, The Sole blazes out to reappear up in the attic, and I still don't understand why they would allow Eeevil entry to their secret room like that. The Sole crosses to the wedding dress, which is hanging on a clothes tree off to the side. He wipes a hand across the dress in a grand gesture. The dress expands from about a size two to a size eight, from the looks of things. I don't know from dress sizes, so I'm guessing here. Heads-up to all you pre-operative transsexuals out there: You can bid on the wedding dress. I'm assuming the dress offered for sale is the size-two version, so I think significant alterations will be necessary before you can wear it to the Miss Continental pageant this fall. Anyway, The Sole takes a look at the reservation tag attached to the hanger, grins for a moment, and flicks a jazz hand at it. The name on the tag morphs from "Phoebe Halliwell" to "Millie Platt." The Sole smirks devilishly, then blazes out. It's nice, finally, to see a dark demonic force who takes such impish glee in his work. Normally, the forces of Eeevil are so damned morose on this show.

Down in the dining room, Phoebe rests her head on Piper's shoulder as Piper urges Raige to "try the cards again." Raige tenses and stutters, "Uh, maybe later." The Sole enters from the kitchen, apologizing for having to cut the evening short. Apparently, he and Phoebe agreed to follow tradition, and he'll be spending the night before the wedding away from the bride-to-be. Phoebe rises to escort him to the front door. They banter about his plans for a bit before she admits to feeling "like [she's] standing at the edge of a cliff." But, she adds, she's never felt safer in her life. An expression of remorse crosses The Sole's face, which Phoebe misinterprets as pre-wedding jitters. She kisses him briefly and pulls away. "You have no idea how difficult you're making this for me," he states softly. Phoebe misinterprets this as his reluctance to spend the evening in a hotel. She smiles and assures him that he'll "have [her] soon enough." The Sole gazes at her for a moment before leaving.

Crypt-cam. A bald, black-cassocked gent with a pockmarked face and a bushy goatee punches through a stone burial vault with a sledgehammer. "I saw some witches poking around this crypt one night a couple, three years back," he says. "I think this is where they buried it." D'Eartha appreciatively notes, "I can always count on you to help." The gent pauses to nod at her, "Well, you're one of the few left. The dark priesthood's a lonely calling these days," he continues. "I haven't seen a human soul in my collection plate in months." D'Eartha promises to make a donation after her current mission has been completed. "Bless you, child," he says with a bit of surprise. Here is where I would insert a joke about the diocesan pederasts of Boston if I cared enough to bother. Which I don't, due primarily to my belief that Cardinal Law's attempts at making a positive change will lead nowhere. Besides, aren't altar boy jokes terribly passé? Prior Pock removes a small casket from the vault and totes it over to a nearby bier. He warns D'Eartha, "It's not a wise move to unearth a Lazarus Demon." He calls them "mean and unreliable -- a bad combination." He notes further that once a Lazarus Demon has been vanquished, one must bury the demon's remains in order to prevent future resurrections. D'Eartha snaps that she's well aware of the properties of Lazarus Demons. Well, we in the viewing audience aren't, honey, so give the guy a chance to get through the exposition, okay? Prior Pock would like to know what "a wise old seer" like D'Eartha would want with "one of these messy creatures." That's for D'Eartha to know and Pock to find out, so nyeaaah! Pock cocks an eyebrow and inquires as to the new Source. He's heard the rumors, you know. D'Eartha admits that "a new Source has risen," but declines to elaborate. Prior Pock graciously allows as how the new Source should be thankful to have D'Eartha on his side. However, he has a question: "You've always worked in a strictly advisory capacity, and yet here you are digging up demons?" "So?" D'Eartha barks, a bit hastily. "So, what's in it for you?" prods Pock. D'Eartha cautiously drops her guard an inch or two and fills Prior Pock in on The Sole's foreseen son. Prior Pock smirks, "And you'll be the hand that rocks his cradle?" "Once I get rid of his mother," D'Eartha smiles back at him. "Very nice," Pock states, with much wiggling of the eyebrows.

Prior Pock wrests the lid from the casket and scatters the box's contents across the flagstones in the mausoleum. The dust and clots of dirt slowly congeal and rise up to morph into Coolio. I have to ask, what's up with his hair? I did a search on "Coolio's hair" to see if some enterprising grad student had published a thesis on how Coolio is subverting a racist paradigm through his coiffure by re-imagining the pickaninny as a figure of African-American strength and menace, but all the search gave me were multiple listings of a Letterman Top Ten list involving Coolio's hair strangling CBS interns. Anyway, Coolio glares like an educated fool with money on his mind. He should take his fee from this episode and hire a new stylist. He's also wearing a dusty Dickensian topcoat that has seen better days. The corners of D'Eartha's lips twitch into a slight half-smile as Prior Pock bows his head and asks her to "tell the new Source [Pock] live[s] to serve him."

Speaking of the new Source, The Sole sits at a table, measuring out potion ingredients on an old-fashioned set of scales. Nearby wooden racks hold various thin tubes of powders and whatnot, like he splurged on a junior chemistry set on his way from the Manor to this anonymous hotel room and is intent on whipping up a couple of homemade stink bombs for wacky wedding reception fun. Phoebe phones at that moment with "an emergency" -- she needs to hear his voice. Shut up, Phoebe. The Sole grins, then slyly switches the subject to Raige. "Maybe it's my imagination," he notes, "but [Raige] was a little weird at dinner." Just at dinner? Check the prescription for your contacts, my boy. Phoebe's all, "Really? I didn't notice." Sowing his dirty little seeds of discontent, The Sole natters on about how he doesn't think Raige approves of the marriage, but he didn't want to say anything, as doing so might drive a wedge between Phoebe and her sister. And, of course, he wouldn't want that to happen, given the effect it might have on the Power of Three and everything. The Sole sprinkles a pinch of something into a mortar. The mortar crackles and puffs out a small cloud of smoke. The Sole casually tells Phoebe not to worry as he shakes the powdery potion from the mortar into a small velvet pouch. He was probably reading something into Raige's demeanor that simply wasn't there, he tells her, then asks about the wedding dress. Phoebe admits that, what with all the last-minute preparations, she has yet to try it on. "When you do, I want you to picture me taking it off," he suggests. Phoebe and I smirk for entirely different reasons. I don't think the gown is quite his style, frankly. A knock at the door forces The Sole to cut the conversation short. He passes his hand over the cluttered array of vials and racks on the table, and the materials vanish. Stowing the pouch in his jacket pocket, The Sole crosses to find Darryl, the Dolt, and Daddy Dearest waiting behind the door. The Ds intend to throw a bachelor party right there in the room. The Dolt brought poker chips, Daddy Dearest brought porn (from his "private collection," and yes, feel free to gouge out your eyes with a fork at any time), and Darryl brought a taste for some mini-bar booze. Jackass. He couldn't grab a bottle of Chivas and a case of beer on the way over?

The Sole pretends he's delighted to be spending the evening with three total losers as the shot cuts to Raige in The Boudoir Of Fashion Horror. Raige deals out three stacks of tarot cards on her duvet and asks again, "What does the future have in store for Phoebe and Cole?" She turns up the same three cards as before, and proceeds to freak right on out of her room. She storms into the Bridal Boudoir to confront Piper with her misgivings. Piper, seated at her vanity and brushing her hair, takes one look at the last card and snorts, "Oh, please. This looks nothing like Death. [The Late Lamented] met him. I know." Snicker. Though you'd think Piper would know better than to dismiss Raige's concerns so blithely. Raige admits that Cole's a nice enough guy nowadays, but she insists she's receiving a message of some sort from the cards. Cole's past of "blood and bad karma" is not something Phoebe "can just walk away from." Piper drops the snark to suggest that the cards might reflect Raige's residual misgivings more than they represent Phoebe's future. Raige slumps against the table and allows Piper's point. Their chatter is interrupted by a shriek from above. Piper and Raige glance at each other, then race from the room.

Up in the attic, the Feebs struggles with her now-voluminous gown as she squeals "Oh!" over and over again at her reflection in the mirror. Raige enters, and Phoebe whirls on her, screaming, "You! You ruined my wedding, and the bridal shop is closed tomorrow!" Raige splutters as Piper begs Phoebe not to "blow this out of proportion." Phoebe makes an unfunny about "proportion" and how her dress could "double as a circus tent." Raige protests she picked up the correct dress -- she checked the tag before leaving the shop. Phoebe brandishes the reservation tag and reads off the new name. "Do I look like Millie Platt? Do I?" Actually, the captioning renders this last as "Do I? Do I? Do I? Do I? Do I?" and thank God I didn't have to listen to Alyssa Milano yammer out that version of the line. Phoebe whips the tag at Raige, who examines it while insisting, "That's impossible." Phoebe screeches that, had Raige picked up the dress earlier in the day as Phoebe had originally demanded, they'd be able to correct the mistake in time for the ceremony, like, when was Raige's name officially changed to Gunga Din? You should have picked up your own goddamn dress. Bitch. Raige, in addition to being an artist, a social "worker," a tarot reader, a reformed Goth chick, a recovering alcoholic, an orphan, Phoebe's pack mule, and all-around doormat, is also a seamstress of some skill. She promises to alter the gown herself that evening. As my eyes roll back into my skull, Coolio blows into the attic and TKs Piper ass-backwards across a desk. Phoebe spins around and raises her fists. Her oversized gown puddles onto the carpet at her feet, leaving her standing there in the sort of aerodynamic foundation garment last seen on Madeline Kahn in Blazing Saddles. Coolio gives her the once-over and puckers his lips in disgust. As well he should. Phoebe boots him in the head, tossing him into a bookcase. Raige summons a hefty ceremonial sword from a nearby table and hurls it into Coolio's stomach with her orbing telekinesis. Coolio clutches his stomach for a moment, then dissolves into a cloud of dirt that settles on the wreckage of the bookcase. Phoebe whips around and spits at Raige, "You'd better take care of this!" Raige promises to research Coolio in the Book of Shadows immediately. "Not the demon," Phoebe sneers as she balls up the expanse of satin at her feet. "My wedding dress!" She shoves the gown into Raige's face and stomps out of the attic. Raige peers through a spray of netting into commercial.

Attic. Piper pages diligently through the Book of Shadows, Raige patiently stitches away at the wedding dress, and Phoebe pouts in the corner with her panties in a regal wad. The Dolt orbs on in with The Sole. Phoebe bleats that The Sole shouldn't be there, but he insisted on returning to the Manor when the Dolt informed him of Piper's "urgent" call for assistance. Phoebe bitches briefly about Raige's purported mistake before the Dolt interrupts to ask Piper about the latest demon attack. Piper's found Coolio's entry, which identifies him as a "rare high-level demon with telekinetic powers." The Sole is surprised to hear that a Lazarus Demon found its way into the Manor. As the gang natters away at each other, the low-down gangsta dirt eddies up from the carpet. The Sole approaches Piper, asking, "Has he resurrected yet?" Cue Coolio. Raige notices him first and shouts a warning to Piper and the Dolt. Coolio pimp-smacks them across the room with a little TK. Raige hurriedly summons a sofa into position just in time to break Piper's fall. The Dolt, however, slams right into the floorboards. Heh. Coolio's puckering his lips again. I suppose this is the extent of his range as an actor. Good thing he still has that day job to fall back on. Then again, maybe he activates his telekinesis through those lips of his, as they appear to send a chandelier crashing down onto Phoebe's head. Piper rises to blow Coolio up, but he blows out of there before she gets a chance.

The Dolt scuttles across the floor to administer the tingly touch to Phoebe's battered skull. It's a shame he doesn't heal the Phoebangs while he's at it. ("Phoebangs" is the property of Ayla123 from the boards, by the way.) I know Phoebe's new hairstyle made its debut in the last episode, but it didn't become a nuisance until this one. The Phoebangs look like Alyssa Milano got hammered on Mad Dog and started hacking away at her hair with a pair of rusty pinking shears. Either that, or there was a little "incident" involving Lin Milano's setting lotion, if you follow what I'm saying. The tingly touch takes hold, and Phoebe presently regains consciousness. She groans as The Sole and the Dolt pull her to her feet. Piper warns that Coolio is certain to attack again. The entry in the BoS reveals that Lazarus Demons grow in strength the longer they've been out of their graves. The gang wonders briefly who would have unearthed Coolio and sent him after the Ps the night before Phoebe's wedding. Raige's opinion on the matter? A person or persons unknown wants to prevent the ceremony from happening. She reveals the identical results of her tarot readings, and wonders why The Sole didn't inform Phoebe after witnessing the first reading after the rehearsal dinner. The Sole blathers something about true love conquering all. This satisfies the Feebs. Piper proposes that she and Raige take turns on "demon watch" that evening so Phoebe can get some rest. Raige, attempting to mend their somewhat damaged relationship, offers Phoebe some of her "aromatherapy" to help Phoebe sleep. Piper announces that they have a plan, and the Ps plus the Dolt exit the attic. The Sole stands alone, staring ominously.

Hell. The Sole smashes Coolio through a wall. Coolio is outraged. He ain't never crossed a witch that didn't deserve it. Besides, he was only doing what D'Eartha asked of him. This is tiresome, and Coolio cannot act. Long story short, The Sole warns Coolio to leave Phoebe alone and hurls a Flaming Ball Of Death into his chest. Coolio dissolves into a pile of dirt, and God help me, the pile of dirt is the better actor. "Stay down until I call for you," orders The Sole. He then turns to snarl at D'Eartha. What in hell made her unearth a Lazarus Demon? D'Eartha remains unapologetic. The Sole needs a way to disrupt the white wedding, as well as a way to lure Phoebe into a cemetery for the dark one. What better dark demonic force to accomplish both goals than Coolio? Wow. That sounds asinine, doesn't it? And yet it is true. The Sole and D'Eartha hiss and scratch at each other over The Sole's ability to resist the pull of Cole's love for Phoebe. When The Sole wonders if D'Eartha is questioning his capacity to function as the new Source, D'Eartha tellingly replies, "You inherited the world's evil. I'll follow that anywhere." Oh, D'Eartha. Fill up any old schmuck with the world's evil, and you're flat on your back with your legs wide open for him -- is that it? Take my advice and suck up the world's evil for yourself. Then you won't have to worry about petty little problems like, oh, every goddamned plotline involving Phoebe and Cole. What is the matter with you, woman?

Bimbo Boudoir. Piper and the atrocity on Phoebe's head enter, with the rest of Phoebe tagging along for the scene. It looks like someone skinned a marmoset, tossed the pelt into a blender set on puree, and stapled the results onto Phoebe's scalp. Piper tells The Atrocity that she will take the first demon shift of the evening herself; Raige will take the second. Raige is also to ensure that The Atrocity is up in time to prepare for the ceremony. Phoebe nods her head. The Atrocity lurches back and forth in concert with its host's movements. Raige enters and presents The Atrocity with a container of soothing face cream that Raige calls "Heaven In A Jar." The Atrocity has little use for face cream, what with being a mangled clump of animal skin and all, but its host appreciates the gesture. Raige notes the face cream contains "patchouli oil for balance and confidence and chamomile to relax [the] nervous system." I understand that Raige is a recovering boozehound, but wouldn't a smart, stiff cocktail have the same effect? Also, patchouli? Just screams "lesbian of a certain age." And while I'm at it: Ick. Raige apologizes again for the purported mix-up with the dress, and exits after exchanging an embrace with The Atrocity's host.

Piper takes this opportunity to lecture Phoebe on the necessity of maintaining realistic expectations for the day to come. Phoebe's recently-revealed childhood Cinderella fantasy is mentioned and dismissed in favor of Piper waxing nostalgic for her own ceremony a year ago. You know, the one ruined by The Late Lamented tooling out of the Manor on the back of Bobby Briggs's Harley? Piper notes that after all the trouble she went through to make the ceremony happen, the actual hand-fasting was "a total blur." What matters -- and what she wants Phoebe to understand -- is that in the end, the only truly important thing about a wedding is that "you marry the guy that you love. If you manage to do that, your wedding was perfect." Hork. I mean, Holly Marie Combs sold the hell out of this little moment, but Christ on a stick. I'm about to lapse into diabetic shock.

Later that evening, The Sole blazes into the Bimbo Boudoir. The lady of the room is lost in sleep, a half-pound of Heaven In A Jar slathered across her face. The Sole approaches the bed with his velvet pouch of powdered mischief, and sprinkles some of the dust onto Phoebe's face. He chants gibberish Latin as he does so, to the tune of "sumum supplicium diabolus infernum invocatio paganus sacrificium." That doesn't make any sense even if you translate it from the supposed root words. "We call upon the devils of hell to invoke the pagan sacrifice"? What? ["Seriously. Ordinarily I'd try to bring my Latin-geek powers to bear here, but there's not even a verb in that sequence, from what I can tell." -- Sars]

Out in the hallway, Raige emerges from the bathroom and crosses to the chair she's placed by Phoebe's door to continue stitching away at the wedding dress. She overhears The Sole's mutterings just as The Sole completes them. Phoebe's face mask flares up a little as Raige gently twists open the doorknob. The Sole, alerted to Raige's entrance by the clicking of the latch, morphs into Piper just as Raige enters the Boudoir. Um, how did he know it was Raige in the hallway? I realize the answer is likely to be, "Because if he didn't know it was her and he morphed into Raige as Raige herself was entering the room, this episode would be over before the second commercial break and we still have ads for thetruth.com, Showtime, Wendy's Garden Sensations Salads, Coffee-Mate Coffee Creamer, Reba on The WB's Friday Night, Toyota's Nationwide Spring Event, Nokia 33-60 Phones with AT&T Wireless Service, and CarMax the Auto Superstore to shove down your throat, asshole, so shut the fuck up and just go with it." I thought I should ask nevertheless. Raige wonders why Piper is in the Bimbo Boudoir. I'm going to have to call her The Pole, aren't I? Fine. The Pole shushes Raige and leads her out into the hallway, where she asks, "How many actresses does it take to screw in a light bulb?" Kidding. The Pole chides Raige for taking a bathroom break while on demon watch, like Raige is supposed to pee into a Coke can or something, and moves on towards the Bridal Boudoir. The Pole pauses to add, "And whatever you do, don't fall asleep." Raige solemnly nods at this exhortation. The Pole twists her hand around in the air, and Raige immediately passes out in her chair. The Pole smirks at this and continues into Piper's room, where she waves a hand over Piper's sleeping head. Piper's face glows to indicate that the coma mojo has infected her as well. The Pole blazes out in triumph.

Let the Object of Objection
Become but a Dream
As I cause the Seen
To be Unseen.

Our Lady Of The Dead Heathers. Yes, gentle reader, the church from that movie is now playing host to Phoebe Halliwell's wedding, and I'm appalled I didn't notice it before now. The statue of the cross-bearing angel is off to the side in this establishing exterior shot, and the infamous baptismal font appears in the background of some of the subsequent interior scenes. Alyssa couldn't have known about this, could she? Anyway, Darryl and The Sole lead various guests to their pews while the members of a string quartet saw away at their instruments in the balcony above. I'd point out that, as established by precedent, The Source Of All Eeevil cannot enter a house of worship, but maybe Heather Duke gave him a pass out of spite for the bride. The Dolt skitters up to The Sole to tell him that Phoebe would like to speak with him in the bridesmaids' locker room. After noting with faux anxiety that the ceremony should have started fifteen minutes ago, The Sole rather convincingly plays dumb and heads out for the chat.

Over in the locker room, Raige passes a slip of paper to Piper. Piper recites the following while setting the sheet alight with a candle on the coffee table:

Guiding spirits,
Hear our plea.
Annul this magic.
Let it be.

Nothing happens. InvisiPhoebe: "Can you see me?" Piper: "Not even your breasts." I want to laugh, and yet I find I can't even smirk. So sad when an episode drags one's spirits down like this. Well, it's either that or the Botox, I suppose. Raige despairs. That was the last reversal spell they found in the Book. InvisiPhoebe thanks the gals for their worthy effort and decides they'd better call off the ceremony. Just then, The Sole raps his knuckles on the door. Piper and Raige exit discreetly so Julian McMahon can have a private conversation with a floating bouquet, a floating handkerchief, and a floating hand mirror. InvisiPhoebe drips InvisiSnot as she snuffles that she wanted the perfect wedding, not for herself, but for her beloved. The Sole awkwardly embraces his naked InvisiFiancée and agrees to postpone the proceedings. Piper and Raige clomp back in to announce that they've figured out a way to save the day. Piper hustles The Sole out to the chapel, instructing him to inform the quartet that they can begin the processional. The Sole makes a few "whuh?" faces, but steps out of the room as ordered.

Raige and Piper address an empty chair. Raige's brilliant plan? To transfer the invisibility from Phoebe to herself. Not only will this allow Phoebe and Cole to marry as planned, but it will also prove that Raige in no way wishes to stand between the couple and their stated goal of nuptial bliss. InvisiPhoebe InvisiSniffles her InvisiThanks.

Out on the chapel portico, the Ds plus The Sole natter about the delay and the guests who have already decided to bail. What? How rude! You're telling me that if a wedding is delayed for more than fifteen minutes, the guests are free to leave? Whatever. The groom and his men break from their huddle to head into the chapel proper. D'Eartha silently appears behind them and asks, "Aren't you going to seat me?" Daddy Dearest offers to escort her inside, but The Sole tells Daddy he'll handle it. The Sole offers D'Eartha his arm, and she links her own through his with a smile. "They'll recognize you," he grits, sotto voce. She ignores his admonition. "You never contacted me. Did your potion work? And did they use the spell you thought they would?" The Sole answers yes to both questions. If that's the case, D'Eartha would like to know why the wedding hasn't been canceled already. The Sole admits that the Ps might have found a way to reverse his magic. D'Eartha shoots him the wicked side eye and asks, "And did she find an obedience spell to make you do as she pleases?" Oh, no she didn't! Woo! Who's whipped? Yeah, that's right, Sole baby. You are. The Sole smiles tightly and breathes, "Don't forget who you're talking to," as D'Eartha settles into a pew towards the back. The Sole spots Piper taking her place at the altar as the string quartet slides through one of the Brandenburg Concertos. He leans down to D'Eartha's ear and instructs her to retrieve Coolio from Hell. If Coolio attacks Our Lady Of The Dead Heathers, the gals will halt the wedding "to save innocent lives." D'Eartha waits in her place for a moment until The Sole has moved away, then stands to exit the chapel.

An Impressive Clergyman nods to the quartet, and the opening bars to "The Wedding March" float out from the balcony as Phoebe enters on Daddy Dearest's arm. The Phoebangs are evil and must be destroyed. Interminable shots of a cautious Sole, an overjoyed Piper, and various anonymous kvelling guests follow as InvisiRaige slides an armless upholstered chair in front of the Font Of Baptisms, Hair Care, And Spaghetti -- Lots Of Oregano to witness the service from the back of the church. Apparently, InvisiRaige is as naked as InvisiPhoebe was earlier, so see the above comment regarding ScotchGard. Actually, now that we're all intimately familiar with Raige's personal hygiene habits, forget the ScotchGard and let's just hope they burn the damn chair after she's done with it. The Impressive Clergyman lifts his arms to indicate that the gathered throng may now be seated, and he begins the ceremony. "'Esquimo.' Phoebe Halliwell underlined a lot of passages in her copy of Moby Dick..." Oops. Sorry. Wishful thinking, I suppose.

The Impressive Clergyman actually opens with the standard "dearly beloved" stuff. Just as the service gets going, Coolio blows into the back of the church to InvisiRaige. "Oh, no," she mutters, and hoists a handy candlestick in the air. She clubs Coolio on the back of his head and pushes him out onto the portico. InvisiRaige slams the chapel doors shut behind her just as the Impressive Clergyman gets to the part about speaking now or forever holding one's peace. The participants pause for a moment at the noise, but the service continues. Outside, Coolio slams InvisiRaige through another door and into the bridesmaids' locker room. The sound invades the chapel, and Piper volunteers to check it out. "Keep going," she smiles with a casually dismissive wave of her hand. She scurries up the aisle as the assembled extras mumble amongst themselves. Soon enough, we hear Raige shout, "Get away from her!" The Dolt politely excuses himself and hustles his ass out to the locker room. The Impressive Clergyman soldiers on, asking, "Who gives this woman to this man today?" Daddy Dearest gamely jumps to his feet to announce, "Her sisters and I do." Piper chooses this moment to scream, "You son of a bitch!" The Dolt also yells as it becomes clear that large quantities of glass are being broken nearby. Phoebe drops her bouquet at the foot of the altar and races to the back of the church with The Sole hot on her heels. Darryl and Daddy Dearest gape.

Locker room. Phoebe and The Sole stumble in just as Coolio smacks up the Dolt with a little TK. Phoebe advances on Coolio as Piper struggles to rise to her feet. Coolio raises an armchair above his head in order to brain Phoebe with it. The Sole cries, "Stop!" Coolio stands there like an idiot with the chair hovering somewhere above his puckered lips. Piper takes this opportunity to blow him up. Coolio dissolves into a dirt pile on the plush carpeting. Phoebe immediately asks for InvisiRaige. No one can locate her in the locker room ruins -- not even the Dolt. He can't "get a read on her," which means "her heart must have stopped beating." The Sole spots a puddle of blood slowly pooling outwards from an unseen source on the flooring near the windows. The Dolt hops on over and applies the tingly touch to the air above the bloodstain. The Impressive Clergyman bursts into the locker room with Darryl to demand, "What the hell is going on in here?" "That's it!" Phoebe wails, tearing the veil from her head. "The wedding is off! Tell everyone to get out of here -- go!" She shoves the priest and the cop outside and slams the door behind them. Piper, The Sole, and the Dolt stare at Phoebe as she pants and gasps and blinks her way into the commercial.

Our Lady Of The Dead Heathers. Aftermath. Piper paces down the aisle from the altar with her cell phone pressed to her ear, instructing the caterer to drop both the food and the bill off at the Manor. Phoebe stands to The Sole, bundled in a coat, bitching about the disaster that is her life. Piper asks Raige if she's feeling any better. A very visible yet still naked Raige admits from the depths of a blanket that she's "still a little shaky." The Dolt opines that they're all lucky to be alive. Raige wonders why Coolio stopped what he was doing when The Sole ordered him to do so. The Sole slyly supposes that Coolio was merely startled someone had the nerve to yell at him. Together, the gang surmises that Raige is now visible because the Eeevil magic worked its intended effect. The wedding was canceled; therefore, the demonic need for outbreaks of acne and enlarged gowns and invisibility vanished. Piper makes mention of the dust pile also known as Coolio. The Sole offers to bury it in a nearby cemetery. Piper objects, noting that, should the freeze she cast on Coolio's remains wear off before Cole can get him in the ground, Cole "will be as defenseless as a cat toy." The Ps plus the Dolt insist on accompanying him. "Fine by me," says The Sole, though it's clear he's lying.

The Third-Hardest-Working Cemetery In Show Business. It's slipped a bit in the rankings since last season. The Sole's found a promising grave from the early years of the last century, and he shoves a spade into the soil. The Dolt joins him in the digging as the Ps stand off to one side. Piper tries to comfort a pouting Phoebe by reminding her that it took a couple of tries before she and the Dolt managed to get hitched. All they have to do for Phoebe is determine what sort of Eeevil tossed the wrench into the day's proceedings, and why. Raige has an idea. Why don't they ask Coolio? The Sole becomes visibly agitated at this suggestion. Raige dumps the Coolidust onto the ground over The Sole's objections. "Phoebe, please," The Sole begs. "I'm asking you not to do this. For me." "I can't believe you don't want to know," she counters. Piper twists her hand over the Coolidust, and Coolio presently appears before them. Still with the puckered lips. Is this a permanent condition for the man? "Who resurrected you?" Phoebe demands. Lengthy pause. "Ax him!" Coolio shouts, shooting an accusatory finger at The Sole. A lengthy round of startled reaction shots. "You swore I'd never see a cemetery again if I helped you," Coolio continues. "You set me up!" Coolio spills the details of the plot. "Okay, Cole, what is going on?" Phoebe hyperventilates. "Because I gotta tell you that right now I am freaking. Out!" Cole takes a moment, then languidly rolls his eyes. "Ah, what's the point?" he shrugs, tossing aside his shovel. "You already figured it out." He flings an FBOD into Coolio, who dissolves once more for the last time. Phoebe wigs as Piper and Raige huddle around her protectively. The Dolt stands ineffectually off to the side. The Sole morphs down into D'Eartha. Is he now The D'Ole? D'Amn.

Phoebe gets all up in The D'Ole's face. The D'Ole reveals that "Cole" is "unconscious in the mausoleum." She indicates a low building nearby that is not the Mausoleum mausoleum. It's not even The Late Lamented's mausoleum. The Third-Hardest Working Cemetery In Show Business is larger than I remembered. "Why would you save us one day and try to kill us the ?" Raige snits. "For the same reason -- to keep the balance of power between good and [Eeevil]," The D'Ole replies. Piper claims she's being "cryptic," but that's a pretty reasonable explanation as far as I'm concerned. The D'Ole, however, elaborates. She lies about having had a vision that, should Phoebe marry Cole on that particular day, she would become a witch possessed of such immense power as to tilt the balance towards the forces of good. The D'Ole's sole (oy) purpose was to stop the wedding. Now that she has, she can leave. The D'Ole blazes on out. "Bitch," clenches Piper. Snerk. The Dolt offers to finish burying Coolio's remains while the gals head off to find Cole. The Ps agree and leave him alone by the grave.

Over in the ordinary, garden-variety mausoleum, The D'Ole blazes in, clutches her pearls, and morphs back into The Sole. He rips off his bow tie and drops to the ground just as Phoebe, Piper, and Raige clomp down the stairs. They quickly determine that he's okay. The Sole claims D'Eartha probably wouldn't have killed him anyway. "Killing is beneath her," he states as he's eased to his feet. "She only does it if she has to." The Dolt joins the group, and they head towards the exit.

In an upper hallway, Raige gives voice to her lingering suspicions. "If [D'Eartha] really wanted to stop the wedding," she asks The Sole, "why wouldn't she kill you?" "You'd have to ask her," Cole mildly replies. The Dolt stops them all short when he spots "The Chapel Of The Gardens" off to the side. And, oh! How convenient! There appears to be a priest puttering around the altar! "It's cute," Piper perks. "And perfect," The Sole adds. "For what?" asks the Feebs. "For a wedding," The Sole duhs. Piper couldn't agree more. It takes little prodding for Phoebe to go along with this idea. The five flash their teeth at the camera and scamper into the chapel. The priest turns at their entrance, and to the surprise of absolutely no one at all, it's Prior Pock.

Through a wedding, darkly. In a voiceless montage, The Sole plucks a pink rose from an arrangement and presents it to Phoebe. As she slides it into the buttonhole in his lapel, she gouges her thumb on one of the thorns. The Sole gently lifts her thumb to his lips and ingests the bead of blood. Deliberately. In slow motion. Twice. So. We. Get. It. A shot of the wedding party gathered in front of the altar. Prior Pock, holding the rings up for the blessing. Phoebe, glowing. Piper, beaming. Raige, balancing her checkbook in her head. The Dolt, not shutting up, despite the fact that there is no spoken dialogue. Shut up, Dolt. Phoebe places a ring on The Sole's finger. The Sole slips a ring onto Phoebe's finger. Oops. It's supposed to be worn inside the engagement ring, Sole. You'll have to do that again. Some other time, when I don't have to watch. As Phoebe and The Sole lock hands and Prior Pock envelops their hands in his own for the final blessing, the Hell chorus on the soundtrack whispers something along the lines of, "Jasonjasonjasonjason. Killkillkillkill. Runrunrunrun." How much do you have to tip a Hell chorus after a wedding? "Not two, but one," intones Prior Pock, "'til life be gone." He then smiles broadly and, brimming with pride, announces, "You may kiss the bride." The Sole leans in and plants a sloppy one on Phoebe's lips. She breaks away. "We did it," she whispers. "Yes," he answers. "We did." The shot cuts away to reveal D'Eartha standing unseen at the back of the chapel as Raige, Piper, and the Dolt congratulate Phoebe and The Sole. "It is done," she states simply, with more menace in three little words than Coolio worked into his entire performance. A hint of a smile crosses D'Eartha's face as we fade to black.