The evening opens with a fade-in on a non-existent constellation in the night sky above San Francisco. It looks a bit like Orion, but the sword and head sections are far too pronounced. Raige voice-overs, "Once upon a time, there lived a handsome prince who was about to marry a beautiful maiden." A tiny little flute with a monstrous ability to annoy tweedles Titanic-style on the soundtrack under all of this. The shot changes to a slow pan up the side of Raige's apartment building as she continues, "But an [Eeevil] enchantress wanted the prince for herself, so she could become queen and rule the entire kingdom." Raige is presently revealed to be narrating from flat on her back in her four-poster through a post-coital haze. Her gentleman escort for the evening has a Kennedy-esque row of choppers. Raige's slampiece claims to hate the wicked woman in the story already, but quickly changes his tune when Raige reveals that she always identified somehow with this anti-heroine. She carries on with the fable, babbling about how the Eeevil Enchantress bided her time until her powers were at their "darkest," then imprisoned the aforementioned beautiful maiden and cast a spell to addle the aforementioned handsome prince. "Bring together my prince and me," Raige recites. "Let him fall on bended knee. I summon -- I summon -- I can never remember the end of it," she sighs. Slampiece guesses the story ends with the prince defeating the wicked witch and rescuing his beloved. On the contrary, Raige tells him. The wicked witch gets herself knocked up, offs the prince and his intended, and goes on to rule the kingdom herself. "What kind of a [freaking lame-ass] fairy tale is that?" wonders the Slampiece. "Just one that's stayed with me for as long as I can remember," she allows. "I told you I was a weird kid." "Weird"? Not so much. "Sadistic"? Maybe. The Slampiece gets a name when he notes that Raige needs to get out of the house more often. "It'd be easier if you were around more, Glenn," she smiles flirtatiously. They roll around on the bed beneath the duvet to start round two as The Flute Of Titanic Annoyance kicks into high gear.
The camera tastefully cuts away from the fornication in progress to settle on the dust jacket of a book entitled Collected Fairy Tales: Fables, Tales and Nursery Rhymes. The cover illustration depicts a moonlit, stone-gated road running up towards a bridge that spans the moat of a walled fortress. There's a cow involved. Also, a flaming torch on the gate. The camera pans in quickly as the scene melts into life. God, is this shot cheap. They've taken live footage of a guy on a horse trotting past a presumably dung-coated peasant dragging a cow (at night, no less) and pasted it onto a computer-generated image of a Tuscan fort. You can see the seams between the two. And that flaming torch? Just as badly animated. It looks like the fake flames of Hell from the South Park movie. Anyway, we soon cut to the interior of the "castle." A lackey hustles a crimped chippie with blonde highlights into a room. "What is the meaning of this? How dare you summon me?" asks the chippie with a sibilant inflection that calls to mind Reese Witherspoon as Tracey Enid Flick. Her breasts are perilously close to popping out of her bodice. The silhouetted form of We Know It's Rose McGowan Because We All Saw The Previews apologizes to this "Lady Julia" for the inconvenience, but announces that she hadn't a choice. "The stars have aligned," We Know It's Rose notes, and I'm wondering if they either got a voice double for her or if they've run her lines through a processor. Her register is a strange low alto, not the higher-pitched California whine to which I've grown accustomed. Lady Crimped Highlights claims that We Know It's Rose doesn't frighten her. The stars can be used only for good; her prince loves her, not We Know It's Rose; she and the prince are getting married in the morning, and We Know It's Rose can't do anything about it; and am I going to cheer when We Know It's Rose smacks you down for not shutting the hell up. We Know It's Rose whips her silhouetted hands at Lady Crimp High, and a quick, sudden blast of air flings Lady Crimp High against a wall. As an iron portcullis drops improbably from the ceiling, the local WB affiliate loses the picture from the national feed. When the picture is restored, Lady Crimp High has been imprisoned behind The Improbable Portcullis. "My Westley will rescue me," she claims, squeezing the bars of The Improbable Portcullis in her hands. Okay, not so much. She actually asks We Know It's Rose why she's tormenting her so. We Know It's Rose strides into the light thrown from a flaming brazier to announce, "Because this is my destiny, not yours." We'll get to her costume in a minute. For now, the opening credits.
No Cole again this week, so the "secret word" will be not a word, but a patriotic visual cue. You'll know them when you read them. Don't strain your vocal cords.
The opening travelogue is oddly somber in tone, and it's not because it starts with a distant view of the reportedly-imperiled Golden Gate Bridge. Rather than giving us the usual shots of landmarks like the Coit Tower or the Transamerica Pyramid, they've chosen to pan slowly across a tightly-packed array of anonymous skyscrapers under leaden skies as a lone ovary warbles to the tune of a single acoustic guitar. The effect is morbid -- almost as if we're gazing down on an overcrowded cemetery than a city. Over in the gals' part of town, however, Halliwell Manor basks in the sunlight. Up in The Boudoir Of Death, Piper crosses to the bed, whereupon several personal items of the late lamented are artfully arranged. Piper considers a vanity necklace for a moment, then carefully lifts a satin-lined black leather jacket from the comforter. She slowly eases herself into it before crossing to the door. She pauses to examine the room once more, then shuts the door behind her.
Cross-fade to Piper stirring the contents of a mug emblazoned "God Bless America." They're Wiccans. Shouldn't that read "Goddess"? Phoebe enters to spoil the contemplative mood. "Look at me!" she pouts, apparently fresh from the shower. "I look like a drowned rat!" Actually, she wears the wet look well, but this isn't about my opinion, is it? Phoebe wants her hair dryer and she wants it right now. Piper instructs her to suck it up. Phoebe whines that they can't function without electricity. "It's medieval," claims Phoebe. Get it? Medieval? Aren't they clever? Shut up, Phoebe. Piper tries to put a bright face on the situation, noting that at the very least, the gals "are conserving energy." Last year's issue, honey. We finally discover what's been going on when Phoebe blares out something about a "Shocker Demon" who's been plaguing the ladies of late. Piper reminds Phoebe that the Power of Three is necessary for the Shocker Demon vanquish, and with Raige ensconced in her swinging bachelorette pad across town, there's not much the Manor Ps can do about it. Phoebe stomps over to the phone to call Raige. Piper shouts a warning about using the cordless, but it's too late. Bluish sparks leap from the phone. Phoebe drops it, and a stream of lousy CGI effects shoots across the floor, rising eventually into a humanoid form. You remember the crappy "naiad trio" effect from TLC's "Waterfalls" video a few years back? Same thing, only with electricity instead of water. The Crappy CGI Guy leaps onto the center island as Piper darts to Phoebe's side. Crappy CGI Guy vanquishes half a dozen coffee mugs and a spice rack with a spear of energy. Another spear strikes Piper and Phoebe, who are flung backwards through the air. Piper takes out some tchotchkes, while Phoebe's ass vanquishes the low counter and shelves they use for the phone. Piper flings her hands into the air, though it's unclear what effect this has on Crappy CGI Guy other than to force a retreat into a light socket.
Phoebe moans about her ass while Piper dejectedly tosses debris into the trash. Phoebe suggests that they schedule a vanquish with Raige. Piper dismisses this idea, as vanquishes are not to be scheduled. The solution as she sees it is to have Raige move into the Manor. Phoebe's agog. They sit at the table in the breakfast nook as Piper explains her reasoning. Not only would having Raige in the Manor be "practical," but Piper's also a bit annoyed that the Dolt has had to spend inordinate amounts of time in Raige's neck of the woods ensuring her safety. Having the three Ps under one roof would allow Piper to see a bit more of her husband. Phoebe wonders if they're all ready to live with each other. Piper snits that it's not the time to worry about trivial matters when "every demon out to impress The Source is attacking [them]." Phoebe explains that she meant "ready as sisters," not "ready as witches." No, I don't understand that one either. There's some tedious mourning over the late lamented before the scene finally ends.
Chez Raige. The alarm clock chatters. Raige wearily smacks it off, then announces, "Oh, my God. It's nine o'clock. I'm screwed." Unfortunate choice of words for a woman with a slampiece in her bed. Slampiece Glenn tells Raige to call the office and take a Sex Day. He's heading out of town the day, it seems, and would appreciate the pleasure of her company. Raige snorts that Slampiece Glenn is always leaving town the day, before rising regally from the bed with her mint-green sheets draped around her like a Balenciaga. Or, you know, the high-waisted green dress We Know It's Raige wore in the pre-credits sequence. She stops to regard the boxer-clad boy toy on the bed. "What?" she asks, noticing his condescending stare. "Nine to five isn't you, [Raige]," he states. "You have too adventurous a spirit." She natters something dismissive about him "dropping in between K2 and the Great Barrier Reef" and knowing of her so-called "adventurous spirit," but she's playful about it. Slampiece Glenn goes on about how Raige's life could be a fairy tale with a happy ending as she enters the bathroom to dress behind the door. She's just pulled an all-nighter sexfest with this guy, and she's heading into the office without showering? Skank. Ew. I mean, really. Not even a douche? That's disgusting. Anyway, Slampiece Glenn urges her to ditch her job entirely and head to Australia with him. She's twenty-five and she's still young and she has the rest of her life to be responsible. Whatever. I'm too busy being offended by her sense of personal hygiene. Or complete lack thereof, depending on how one chooses to put it. Raige eventually emerges from the can in a pink satin bra and a tiny wraparound red-and-black plaid skirt. I think it's a skirt. Given the size of the thing, it could just as easily be a napkin. She crosses to the bed with a blouse, telling the slampiece that her responsibilities have expanded of late to include the "stuff" she does with her newfound sisters. She pulls the blouse over her head, and wow. Ow.
I've seen some gruesome fashion crimes on this show, but nothing on this scale. You know that scene in last week'sBand of Brothers, where the little Italian guy stumbles across the concentration camp? And in the aftermath of the discovery, he comes across the Irish replacement soldier he'd been razzing earlier? And the Irish guy is just sitting dazed and shocked into silence on the ground? And the little Italian guy gets a look at what's derailed the Irish guy so badly, sapping his will to go on? Imagine that as a blouse. It beggars description. The color of dried Pepto-Bismol, it features an aggressive flourish of ruffles that looks like a marauding pack of anemones has risen from the sea to attack Rose McGowan's bosom, shoulders, and neck. It's hideous. It's deeply disturbing. It's Charo. Raige and the Slampiece are talking, but I've been struck deaf, if that's possible. At some point, Slampiece Glenn starts macking on her again, and I'm grateful, because if Raige caves and takes a Sex Day, she'll remove the horror from my sight.
At some later point -- I'm not really sure, because time seems to have stopped in that way it does during events so traumatic in scale that one wonders if the world is coming to an end -- at some later point, the camera cuts to the hallway outside Raige's apartment. Piper and Phoebe trundle over to Raige's door. Phoebe's hair is doing that Mrs. Lovett thing again, and I involuntarily scan the scene for cannibal meat pies. The Dolt orbs in to prevent them from entering. In what is actually a terribly cute scene, the Dolt first tries to get Piper and Phoebe to leave, then eventually stammers out something about the lady of the house being "indisposed" at the moment. Phoebe, idiot that she was, is, and will continue to be, doesn't get it. Realization is left to dawn on Piper's face instead. "You watch?" she gasps incredulously. "I didn't see anything!" splutters the Dolt. Piper raises an eyebrow. "Okay, just a little! But how else am I going to protect her!" Piper takes a moment to stare into the middle distance while storing this information for future retributive purposes as Phoebe whips her dim little head back and forth between Piper and the Dolt. Snicker.
The scene cuts back to the interior of the apartment as the three barrel in from the hall, led by Phoebe. Am I really supposed to believe Raige leaves her door unlocked? I am? Well, screw you. Phoebe has a hand over her eyes and babbles about not being able to see anything before Piper yanks on her coat to pull her over to the railing surrounding Raige's raised bed. Raige and Slampiece Glenn quickly pull apart. Raige has removed The Horror for now, to my great relief, and demands an explanation for the intrusion. Piper says they have a situation, and "[they] didn't know which way to turn." Emphasis hers. Phoebe leers at Slampiece Glenn. Slampiece Glenn retrieves his jeans from the Dolt and beats an irritated retreat to the bathroom. Once he's out of earshot, Raige rages, "This better be important!" Phoebe flicks her fingers up in jazz-hands frustration, rolls her eyes, and guhs, "I can't use my blow-dryer." Oh, fine. Hee! Piper asks Raige if she's received a visit from Crappy CGI Guy yet. The Dolt blurts out that she hasn't. Raige shoots the Dolt a look and spits, "How would you know?" Phoebe explains what the Dolt's been up to recently, leading Raige to blurt angrily, "You've been watching me? Out!" She leaps from the bed, clutching The Horror to her bosom, and marches the invading trio out of the studio. Piper and Phoebe attempt to explain, but Raige is having none of it. She slams the door in their faces. "I think that went fairly well," Phoebe states. Inside the apartment, Raige hugs The Horror to her breast as she pouts, "Unbelievable!" No kidding, sweetie. This is why your door has a goddamned deadbolt.
Over at Not!tingham Castle, Ben from Buffy the Vampire Slayer demands that Pre-Raige hand over his "beloved." Dude. He's uglier than I remembered him being. It looks like someone stuck his head in a vise and squeezed, then ran the result at high speed into a wall. The Farrah hair isn't helping matters, either. Pre-Raige wears a distinctly un-medieval satin-and-chiffon chemise. It in fact looks like something out of a 1940s black-and-white thriller, like Rebecca. Must be the shoulder pads. And the fact that Rose McGowan is vamping and camping her way through the material like she's the product of the unholy union of Joan Crawford, Eve Arden, Veronica Lake, and Elvira. Long story short, Pre-Raige tosses a flaming bag of magical powder at Road Kill's feet, then recites the spell Raige couldn't quite remember…
Bring together my prince and me,
Let him fall on bended knee.
I summon him to my side
That he may take me to be
His destined bride.
No wonder Raige forgot it. Road Kill immediately resheathes the broadsword with which he'd been threatening Pre-Raige and drops to one knee. "My love," he intones, and starts sucking on her hand. "I am forever yours." He rises to his feet and moves behind Raige to frame her artfully for her line. As he sucks on the nape of her neck, she says, "As will be your kingdom once I have conceived an heir." Pre-Raige leads King Road Kill to a curtained four-poster as insistent rapping noises hit the soundtrack.
Manor. The shadow of a be-Horrored Raige appears on the opaque glass of the front door as she raps her knuckles against the pane. Piper lets her in, even though we all know the door is unlocked. This was Raige's point. "At least I knocked," she snits as she strides into the front hall. Dear God, why me? In addition to The Horror and the napkin, Raige wears black tights, and has braided her hair Pippi-style. Jesus. She ignores Phoebe's hello, insisting that she's only there to consult the Book of Shadows. Piper chooses this moment to ask Raige if she'd like to move in. Raige stops on the landing of the staircase, shocked. Piper and Phoebe explain the whole Power of Three being stronger under the Manor's roof thing, and they come across as more than a little callous, wanting Raige to move in more for her powers than for her shared bloodline. Raige greets the invitation and the explanation with, "Are you two out. Of your freaking. MINDS?" She clomps upstairs, Phoebe and Piper hard on her heels.
Up in the attic, Raige pages furiously through the BoS. Phoebe asks Raige if she's certain a Manor move is out of the question. Raige snots back something about that morning's fornication interruption in her apartment, and how her privacy would be further curtailed should she actually live in the same house with the others. Phoebe herself counseled Raige on the necessity of maintaining a life separate from magic, and Raige feels that keeping a home of her own is the best way to do that at the moment. She continues to flip through the Book. Phoebe tells her they've already found the vanquish for Crappy CGI Guy. Raige snorts that she's looking for something else. When Piper inquires as to the topic of Raige's research, Raige refuses to answer. "Look," Piper states flatly. "You may not want to share a bathroom, but when it comes to that Book, it concerns all of us." Raige reveals the whole fairy-tale thing just as she lands on an entry for it. She's surprised and delighted. I, however, am troubled, and this time it's not due to The Horror, which has continued its reign of terror on my television screen. Raige tells the other Ps that the fairy tale was something she created all by herself when she was a child. This contradicts what she told Slampiece Glenn the night before in her bed, but that's not what I have a problem with. She wouldn't want to cop to so odd an imagination in front of a Slampiece, after all. My question is, if Raige made it up herself, how did it end up in Collected Fairy Tales: Fables, Tales and Nursery Rhymes, as was implied in the pre-credits sequence? If it's not in that book, why was the cover illustration of Pre-Raige's castle? I suppose that, given information yet to be revealed in the episode, Pre-Raige's wicked, wicked ways could have entered popular culture in a bastardized form, but far be it from the "writers" to address this possibility. But look at that. Here I am on page six, and we haven't even hit the first commercial break.
Moving along, then -- the entry itself focuses on Pre-Raige, defining her as "a witch who came to the craft late and learned to use it quickly." "She was gifted," the Book notes further, "with the power to conjure the elements and was also skilled at creating potent potions to achieve her goals. Defiant, clever, and independent, she was by far the most powerful witch of the 12th Century." Of course, Raige doesn't bother reading all of this. If she had, she might have thought twice about reciting the full spell from her childhood memory, which appears on the facing page. Recite she does, though, and over in Not!tingham, a whirlwind forms around King Road Kill to drag him into the attic. He's brought The Flute Of Titanic Annoyance with him. He kneels, gazes adoringly at Raige, and bows his head with, "My love!" The camera quickly pulls tight onto Raige's face as her eyeballs pop out into the commercial break.
Raige totters through the dining room into the kitchen, fleeing King Road Kill's affections. She's tottering because in addition to The Horror, the napkin, the tights, and the braids, she's wearing metallic red knee-high high-heeled go-go boots. Phoebe and Piper trail behind, mightily amused by Raige's predicament. When King Road Kill announces his intention to impregnate Raige, she summons a plate from a nearby cabinet and proceeds to brain him with it. Undeterred, King Road Kill drops to one knee and starts sucking on Raige's hand. She begs Piper to freeze him. Piper makes funny with the "but I might blow him up" noises before complying. Phoebe guesses that King Road Kill must be operating under some sort of "love spell." Raige confirms this. Piper asks Raige why "Sir Lust-a-Lot" has been hounding her rather than the Eeevil Enchantress. Raige hasn't a clue, and moreover is offended by the question. "Why should I know?" "Because it's your damn fairy tale, and it's alive and frozen in our kitchen," is Piper's pert reply. Raige tosses her hands in the air and storms out into the hall, past Piper and Phoebe. They skitter after her, telling her she can't leave in the middle of a crisis. Yes, Raige can. "I don't live here." She scoops up her purse and flounces out. Oh, damn. I just used the word "flounce," didn't I? The Horror is affecting my thought patterns. In a decidedly negative way. "[Raige]!" Piper screams at her back. "The Charmed Ones come first!" Phoebe mocks that expression. "It always worked when Prue said it," Piper lames. Perhaps, Piper. But Prue was a scary bitch. You're just a whiny one.
The two turn away from the door just as the VCR starts recording. Piper claims it's recording, at any rate, but I'm not familiar with VCRs that record by turning on the television by themselves first. The gals uh-oh for a moment before the Crappy CGI Guy shoots out of the machine. Piper attempts to freeze him, but vanquishes the television set instead. Crappy CGI Guy slithers across the floor to rise up behind the sisters. He tosses Piper across the room, where her rear end subdues a plant stand. Phoebe levitates to boot him in the head. Because he's a bundle of electricity, she merely gets her foot stuck in said head in mid-air. She hoots and hollers and yodels and fries. Piper leaps to her feet to fend off Crappy CGI Guy with a coat stand. She then tosses voodoo of indeterminate nature his way, and he retreats once again into a light socket. Piper assists Phoebe, who has fallen to the floor; then the two remember the frozen Road Kill in the kitchen. By the time they get there, however, he's already sneaked out the back door. "He left?" Phoebe asks as she retrieves a bottle of water from the presumably-inactive refrigerator. "He's just wandering around in chain mail?" "It's San Francisco," Piper reminds her. "Nobody will notice." Phoebe tells her to get real. Piper tells her to scry for the Road Kill if she's so damn concerned about it. If Phoebe can't find him that way, Piper will have the Dolt orb Raige back to the Manor to clean up her own mess, whether Raige wants to come or not. Phoebe finds this proposed strong-arm tactic excessive. They natter a bit about how best to convince Raige to move in with them, then head their separate ways.
Meanwhile, out in the alley, Road Kill attacks a garbage truck with his broadsword. The harassed driver emerges from the cab with a baseball bat to scare him away. Road Kill hacks the bat in half with the sword. There's unfunny banter of the "what is this metallic beast and how do you harness its power" sort that makes me grind my teeth in irritation. Why is it that whenever a yonge Squier with lokkes crulle as they were leyd in presse from a prior century finds himself in our own, he mangles Modern English, rather than the Old or Middle versions? The garbage man, at swordpoint, agrees to drive Road Kill to Raige's current coordinates. Road Kill knows where Raige lurks because he "can feel her heart's pull." He asks if the sanitation worker has any questions, and...
...we're back in Not!tingham, where Lady Crimp High admits that she has one. Question, that is. Wasn't that cunning, that thing they did there? Lady Crimp High would like to know why Pre-Raige believes Road Kill will return to Not!tingham when "good magic" saved him from her Eeevil clutches. Pre-Raige knows he won't return. That's why she intends to travel into the future to "destroy the good magic that intervened." Lady High doubts that Pre-Raige can accomplish this. Pre-Raige begs to differ. She'll succeed "because [she's] petty, and [Eeevil], and vindictive." "But most of all," she claims, "I'm determined." With a flick of her wrist, The Improbable Portcullis flies up into the ceiling. Pre-Raige places a dagger at Lady High's throat. Lady High reminds Pre-Raige that she is Road Kill's twue wove, and that if Pre-Raige kills her, the spell that hijacked twue wove for purposes nefarious will be broken. Pre-Raige was just fooling with Lady High. She merely needs a lock of the lady's hair for a potion that will take her to Road Kill's current location. Pre-Raige gathers the lock by yanking down hard on the crimp job and slicing off a jagged hank. Lock raped, Pre-Raige turns away and with another dismissive flick of her wrist slams The Improbable Portcullis back to the floor. Lady High bleats defiantly, but Pre-Raige tells her to cram it. She drops the raped lock into a bubbling pot of liquid, and the potion belches a cloud of white smoke...
...that shoots us over to THE BLACK HOLE OF SOCIAL SERVICES. Indoors at the Xerox machine, Raige and The Horror refuse to go back to the Manor with the Dolt. She then chides him for spying on her. The Dolt explains that he's simply attempting to protect her, especially now that she's endangered by Crappy CGI Guy. Raige is in no mood for this. She's tried the witch thing, it was fun for a while, but now she wants to be free to "climb a mountain or dive the Great Barrier Reef" if she so chooses. The mountain-and-reef reference confounds the Dolt. Maybe he should have stuck around for the pillow talk after all. He plays the "this is your destiny and you can't run from it" card. She trumps him by recapping the inconveniences this "destiny" has introduced to her life as of late, namely "being hunted by The Source, ducking the Furies, and being shrunk by a psycho demon." She then overplays her hand, inadvertently mentioning that Phoebe and Piper want her to move into Halliwell Manor "for all the wrong reasons." The Dolt furrows his tanned brow. Raige mutters that the Manor Ps think of her as a Prue replacement -- another "Superwitch." Not only can't Raige live up to their unreasonable expectations, but she wants to be accepted for who she is, flaws and all. She notes that the Manor Ps maintain Prue's room as if it were "a shrine," and suggests it might be they who aren't quite prepared for her, rather than the other way around. She sighs as if she realizes she's overshared, then turns to leave. "I'll call you if I need you," she says, and sashays on out.
Manor parlor. Phoebe scries for Road Kill as Piper enters from the kitchen on a cell phone. She's talking to Detective Darryl, who is most upset. We quickly learn the cause of his migraine. Road Kill's appropriation of the garbage truck has been reported as a swordpoint car-jacking. The boys in the precinct house are understandably puzzled. Piper prevaricates and promises to call him back if they learn anything about it. Phoebe's scrying is fruitless. As Road Kill is neither witch nor demon, there's nothing for her crystal to sense. Piper calls for the Dolt, who orbs in to reveal that Raige has no intention of returning to the Manor at any point in the near future. Piper bitches about Raige's unreliability. Despite his unwillingness to mire himself in the swampy relationship issues the gals have with each other, the Dolt allows that Raige's unreliability isn't the problem. It's the Manor Ps' custom of thinking of Raige as a collection of powers they can exploit, rather than as a sister. Busted, Piper and Phoebe pout. The Dolt suggests they consult the BoS for the details of Raige's "fairy tale" while he heads out for a chat with The Powers That Be. Piper examines her nails while Phoebe stares off to the side.
BLACK HOLE OF SOCIAL SERVICES. Road Kill enters and sniffs the air. Raige is currently preoccupied with the Xerox machine -- again -- but her Spidey sense kicks in to notify her of Road Kill's presence in the main office area. Road Kill rudely pushes aside Raige's coworkers as Raige's coworkers peas-and-carrots about the lunkhead in the chain mail rather than calling security on his ass. As Road Kill spots Raige, The Flute Of Titanic Annoyance enters to give me an Indian burn. Raige drags Road Kill into the copier room to tell him to bug off. He insists that he will not leave "until [she] is with child." There are noises about Raige playing it safe every time and how Road Kill needs to keep his sword sheathed before Raige backs into the Xerox machine. Road Kill promises never to harm her; then we get a Cleansing Burst Of Synchronicity as Crappy CGI Guy leaps from the machine to menace her, if what Crappy CGI Guy does could be called "menacing." He bounds to the floor and starts to strangle Raige. Road Kill draws his sword and slices Crappy CGI Guy in half. Crappy CGI Guy zips back into a light socket. No, I don't know why Phoebe gets electrocuted when she sticks her foot in the Guy's head, while Road Kill emerges from the encounter with his highly-conductive person and weapon unscathed. Stop asking me these questions. Raige swoons. The Flute Of Titanic Annoyance has given up on the Indian burn and is now punching me repeatedly in the arm. Road Kill helps her to her feet. Raige is suddenly and inexplicably love-struck. They make gooey eyes at each other as Raige's boss enters the room with a couple of security guards. Raige passes Road Kill off as a "Renaissance Fair" representative who came to see her about some complimentary tickets she'd been trying to score for an orphanage. Taking orphans to a Renaissance Fair? That's adding insult to injury. I told you it was the black hole of social services. Raige grabs Road Kill's hand and bolts.
Attic. Piper lights a few candles while Phoebe reads the entry on the Eeevil Enchantress. She comes across the phrases "defiant, clever, and independent" and "witch who came to the craft late and learned to use it quickly" and makes the connection to Raige herself. Piper's not following Phoebe's reasoning. Phoebe spells it out for her: The fairy tale Raige composed in her childhood is actually in the Book, and Road Kill suddenly appears from the twelfth century intent on ensuring that Raige remains barefoot and pregnant for the rest of her life. Could it be Raige had an Eeevil past life much as Phoebe did in "Pardon My Past"? Well, given that the last half hour contained four scenes featuring Pre-Raige, I'd find this at the very least highly likely, so could you move this along? Piper remains skeptical, because Pre-Raige's powers involved harnessing the elements. Piper, honey. Did your brain slide out of your ear at some point this evening? Didn't Phoebe's past iteration have the ability to fling fireballs or something, even though her current iteration possesses nothing close to that? Anyway, time for the second Cleansing Burst Of Synchronicity in as many scenes as a swirling portal opens in the attic wall. Pre-Raige emerges to whip her hands at Phoebe and Piper. A quick burst of wind flings them both across the floor. Despite the fact that Pre-Raige wears a jade green satin gown with an empire waist under a forest green velour cape and her hair trails halfway down her back, Piper's first word is an outraged "Paige!" Piper's normally quicker on the uptake. I think they're trying to make Phoebe look smart for a change, but it isn't working. They're both coming across as dingbats. Pre-Raige commands them to return Road Kill. They reply by darting out of the attic. Pre-Raige shoots arrows of fire from her hands, setting an antique dollhouse ablaze, then strides out of the frame into commercial.
Back from the break, Piper and Phoebe move through the hallway and the kitchen, extinguishing the small fires Pre-Raige left in her wake. Piper guesses that Pre-Raige left the Manor once she realized that Road Kill was no longer there. She also bitches that they had enough on their witchy plates without having to deal with Raige's past life. The Dolt orbs in with the scoop from TPTB. Of course, he's missing a crucial detail, as The Elders are about as useful as a monkey typewriter farm when it comes to the backstory. Piper and Phoebe fill him in on the whole Pre-Raige thing. He in turn urgently exhorts them to prevent Pre-Raige from completing her intended mission. "If she conceives [Road Kill's] heir, dark magic will rule his kingdom forever. History will be rewritten. Your future --" "We'll be screwed, the world will plunge into darkness, yada yada yada," Piper concludes for him. While that was amusing because of Holly Marie Combs's delivery, I have to ask: This is Raige's past life we're talking about, right? If so, shouldn't all of these dire predictions already have come to pass? This shit went down in 1130 or thereabouts. Road Kill's kingdom has been ruled by dark magic for nearly nine hundred years already. (I'm thinking "Germany.") History already was rewritten, and the gals don't seem particularly screwed, nor has their world been plunged into darkness. So tell me, what's the point? Wouldn't altering the past pose more of a threat to their current existence, rather than simply allowing the past to occur as it always had? You can take your time answering. It's not like I'm going anywhere. Anyway, Phoebe worries that vanquishing Pre-Raige risks Present Raige's life as well. Piper notes that they can simply "bind" Pre-Raige's powers. That way, the spell inflicted upon Road Kill would be broken, no further harm could come from Pre-Raige, and Present Raige remains unaffected. The three head to the attic to whip up a binding potion. I'm sure it involves cheese. After all, the rest of this episode has.
Blackened BLACK HOLE OF SOCIAL SERVICES. In the gloom of the office, which has been shuttered for the evening, Pre-Raige retrieves Road Kill's pendant from the linoleum in the copier room. She blathers something or other about why Road Kill was drawn into our time before Raige's boss interrupts the reverie. Mistaking Pre-Raige for Present Raige, he wonders why she's still there when everyone else has left. She rises regally and asks, "By what name did you just call me?" He smirks at her, assuming she's gotten roped into performing at the Renaissance Fair as well. He tells her to lock up when she finally decides to leave, and makes his way to the front door. Pre-Raige stalks behind him, looking vacant. I mean, "as if she's about to vanquish his stupid ass." As he exits, he urges her to be "on time for once" the following morning. Get it? "On time"? GET IT? Pre-Raige strides over to a corkboard on the wall covered with photos of BLACK HOLE employees. She plucks one off. Labeled "Paige & Eilish," it shows Rose McGowan and the show's costume designer beaming at the camera. Now that we all know what Eilish looks like, can we hunt her down and extradite her? I hear Slobodan is lonely and could use the company. "Looking forward to meeting you," Pre-Raige intones. Mua ha ha ha ha! Not.
Chez Raige. The lady of the house sits on her loveseat. The Road Kill paces about adoringly. Eventually he kneels, then sits at her side, and they whisper rash-inducing clichés at each other. She can't believe he's real. He wants "to take [her] away from all of this." "True love is falling under someone's spell." Barf. He tells her to wish for anything and he'll make sure it comes true. She lames something about being as good as Prue. Road Kill doesn't get it. She tells him to forget about it, and they lean in for a kiss. Raige has no taste. Road Kill looks like he just endured a botched rhinoplasty. Before they lock lips, Piper, Phoebe, and the Dolt orb in. Piper freezes the Road Kill, leading Raige to rise to her feet to scream. Don't these people ever knock? They would, Piper allows, but the situation has deteriorated. They bring Raige up to speed on the recent developments. Raige can't quite grasp the implications of having past lives, but she knows better than to question the trio's explanations at this point. "Does this mean I'm [Eeevil]?" she whines. "Yeah," Piper deadpans. "No!" Phoebe corrects. "Just your past self. You've grown, you've evolved." Piper joins Phoebe in making rolling-over motions with her hands. Piper reveals the plan to bind Pre-Raige's powers with the little vials of pink potion each of the invading threesome has in hand. Present Raige immediately volunteers to take care of the situation solo. It's her story. She should be the one who ends it once and for all. Phoebe questions the wisdom of this, but Piper encourages Raige's plan of action. Raige will "backtrack" to find Pre-Raige while the other remain in the apartment with the Road Kill. Once Raige leaves with a vial of the potion, Phoebe turns to Piper to ask, "Why'd you let her go?" "Because it's time we realized we can't make her do something she doesn't want to do." Those Ps. Always learning a little about life.
Outside, Raige strides over to her lime-green Volkswagen Beetle. Her purse is orange. Orange. Against The Pepto-Bismol Horror. Forget extraditing Eilish. I'm calling out a hit. As Raige turns the ignition, she espies Pre-Raige stomping up the street towards her. Raige slams the car into gear and makes to run Pre-Raige down. Pre-Raige summons the air or something and directs it towards the Beetle. The force of the wind keeps the Beetle firmly in place, despite the spinning tires. Presently, those tires burst open from the friction. I'd make a crack about that, but I can't remember if the company pumping out shoddily-manufactured tires of death is Michelin or Goodyear, and more importantly, I can't be bothered to look it up. Raige cuts off the engine and emerges from behind the wheel to confront Pre-Raige. "Don't tell me I've become good," Pre-Raige sneers. "Damn good," Raige replies, and hurls the vial at Pre-Raige. Pre-Raige zaps it with fire, and it shatters harmlessly in mid-air. Pre-Raige then sends the wind Raige's way. Raige flies into the Beetle's windshield, shattering both the glass and presumably her spine. Pre-Raige smirks triumphantly and gazes up at the windows of Raige's studio.
Inside, the Dolt senses that something has gone horribly awry. Piper orders him to orb out immediately, which he does. Pre-Raige breezes through the door with "Remember me?" Piper and Phoebe goggle. Out at the car, the Dolt applies the special tingly touch and Raige reawakens to gasp, "The [Eeevil] Enchantress!" The two peer up at Raige's apartment to find unnatural flashes of light streaking across the windows. Pre-Raige has set several merry little blazes around the place, and exits through the swirling portal she's summoned with the Road Kill. Piper and Phoebe run through their options, then dive through the portal after Pre-Raige. Raige and the Dolt enter just as the portal snaps shut around Phoebe's feet. "What have I done?" Raige breathes. Why, taken us out to the commercial break, of course.
That Clark Kent sure is pretty.
Back from the bone structure that heals the sick and makes sinners weep with the joy of forgiveness, the Dolt stands in Raige's apartment in front of her calendar of classic Vogue covers. The calendar has been flipped to a World-War-One-era illustration of a white-robed woman standing proudly on a hilltop with two American flags unfurled in the breeze. There's a scorch mark on the wall just above it. Make of that what you will. Raige, The Horror, The Napkin, and The Braids are loudly losing their collective shit. The Dolt orders her to focus on the task at hand. Rather than dithering about how weak her present powers are, she should instead embrace the knowledge of how powerful she was in the past and use that strength to find a solution. Whatever, Dolt. Raige thinks for a moment, then proposes she rework the spell that summoned the Road Kill. She might alter the verse so it is she who is summoned to him. They agree that "it's worth a shot." Of Cuervo, maybe. For me. Raige rises to her feet and ad libs the following:
Bring together my prince and me.
His kingdom now I wish to see.
Crossing history to his side,
From myself I will not hide.
It's lousy, but it works. The portal reopens in front of the image of Liberty. Raige passes through, then sticks her head out to drag the Dolt in after her.
Not!tingham. Phoebe and Piper are chained to a wall adjacent to Lady High and The Improbable Portcullis. They bicker. Lady High interrupts to ask who they are and from whence they came. "We're from Disneyland," Phoebe product-places. "Futureworld." Piper grunts at her. "We're witches," Piper more helpfully exposits for Lady High's edification, "and we have the potion that will stop the Enchantress." "Yeah, let's go get her," Phoebe snorts. "Oh! We can't! Because we're chained to a wall!" Piper smacks at her as Lady High gazes Heavenward as if to plead, "Lord, save me from future roles as pointless tertiary characters on smug Spelling-produced WB serials." Word, Lady High. Word.
Boudoir of Eeevil. The Road Kill lies mangled and shirtless on the bed. Pre-Raige enters in that forties chemise and crosses to his side. Behind her, Raige and the Dolt peer around a corner. She tells him to gather up Piper and Phoebe while she staves off Pre-Raige's libido. The Dolt asks how she proposes to do this, as the Ps are always powerless in the past. As Raige and Pre-Raige share a soul, Raige believes she can "tap into" Pre-Raige's powers. It does sort of make sense, but the problematic issue of two copies of the same soul occupying the same point in time is never addressed. The Dolt bolts as Pre-Raige leans in to smooch with her mangled and enchanted beloved.
Hall of The Improbable Portcullis. The Dolt enters and moves to unshackle the Manor Ps. A knight in black armor attacks him from behind. He tosses the Dolt across the flagstones, then unsheathes his sword. The Dolt knocks another sword off the wall and pulls a forward somersault out of his ass to challenge the dark knight. Swords clatter. Piper shrieks. Phoebe yodels. Lady High looks lost. The Dolt is brought to the floor by a sly kick to the backs of his knees. Meanwhile, over in the Boudoir of Eeevil, Raige interrupts the impregnation in progress. Pre-Raige rises from the bed to scorch Present Raige. I suppose that, strictly speaking, it should read, "Present Raige rises from the bed to scorch Future Raige," but I think you know what I mean. Present Raige counters with a scorch of her own, and the two scorches clash in mid-air as the Road Kill does his best impersonation of the Dolt. Speaking of the Dolt, he and the dark knight continue to hack away at each other. I suppose he lacks powers as well, though that also is never made clear. The Dolt finally head-butts the dark knight, which is enough to send the dark knight spinning across the room into unconsciousness. It should be, considering that the Dolt's head is a solid block of wood. He frees the Manor Ps as Piper waxes lustful over this heretofore-hidden manly side of her husband. The three hear the ongoing struggle over in the Boudoir and rush to investigate.
Raige scampers behind a piece of furniture as Pre-Raige scorches a stone above Raige's head. The others arrive just as Pre-Raige slams Road Kill into a wall for intervening on Raige's behalf. Raige in turn whips Pre-Raige across the room with that wind thing. Pre-Raige drops to the stone floor, panting. Piper and Phoebe toss the remaining vials at her. They shatter, and a twist of smoke wreathes Pre-Raige's gasping form. She rises into a crouch and flicks her wrist at the four. Nothing happens. Piper explains the whole binding thing, leading Pre-Raige to exclaim, "How could you do this to me? To us?" "I didn't do it," Raige answers calmly, then indicates the Manor Ps. "We did it." You know, The Power Of Three Restored and everything? Just wanted to make certain you all were aware of that. Rrrgh. I'll shut up. Lady High, freed somehow from The Improbable Portcullis, dashes in to embrace the Road Kill. Pre-Raige glowers. Lady High and the Road Kill mack. Pre-Raige seethes. Road Kill calls Lady High "my love." Phoebe and Raige note that "the kiss of true love [breaks] the spell" "in every fairy tale." Pre-Raige pouts, at last defeated. Don't worry, Pre-Raige. I'm sure you can embark on a new career peddling that Jungle Red lipstick you've been abusing this evening to the local gentry.
The modern four return to Chez Raige through the portal. Raige surveys the debris that had been her studio. "I guess I won't be getting my security deposit back." The invitation to join the Manor Ps is extended once again. Raige, concerned that The Shrine Of Our Lady Of The Paisley Tit Sling is a permanent fixture in the house, wonders if she'll have to live in the basement. Piper smilingly allows that they have a room for her. Also, a closet full of slightly better, if somewhat used, clothing. Okay, not so much the last part, but I hope they have a sacrificial bonfire of The Horror, The Napkin, The Tights, and The Go-Go Boots before they allow Raige to move in.
Travelogue as night fades into day over the city. Over at the Manor, Raige has already moved into The Shrine Of Our Lady Of The Paisley Tit Sling. For now, it shall be rechristened The Boudoir Of Fashion Horror. Raige has changed since last we saw her, but now she's a seventies nightmare. Specifically, a nightmare from the bicentennial year, when young ladies of questionable sense clad themselves in red-white-and-blue concoctions similar to Raige's at the moment. Low-slung, hip-hugging blue jeans with the back pockets torn off, a wide white braided belt, and a tight-fitting, scoop-necked red t-shirt. At least the belt's not macramé. She tops it off with one of those floppy caps that back in the day would have been denim as well, in one of those stunning patchwork patterns, and if you were really hip you had the denim in the American flag pattern. This one appears to be yellow felt. What in hell did Rose McGowan do to deserve this sort of treatment at the hands of the costuming staff? She bounces over to the Boudoir door to invite Phoebe and Piper in for a look-see. Phoebe's wearing a stars-and-stripes bodice piece over pink pants. All Piper needs is a black leather jacket and cap, and she'd be a Hell's Angel. Eilish must be exacting revenge for some cast-wide transgression. The three "banter" about the altered decor for a bit; then Slampiece Glenn raps on the front door downstairs. Raige reveals that he invited her to join him in Australia, but she turned him down. Piper asks Raige if she's disappointed. Not really, she answers. After all, there will be adventures aplenty in Halliwell Manor, so who needs Australia? No comment. "Speaking of adventures," Raige starts, then crosses to the light switch. "Shall we?" "Hit it," Piper orders, and Raige flicks the switch. Crappy CGI Guy pours out of the lighting fixture on the wall. The three Ps, ladies of the Manor all, clasp hands to recite the following:
"Vanquish!" we three witches cry.
One final shock, and then you die.
Say goodbye to Crappy CGI Guy. Raige turns to leave, reminding the others to knock if they need her. Piper grins, "And they lived happily ever after." Phoebe, for once, says it for me: "Yeah, right." The two giggle goofily and exit The Boudoir Of Fashion Horror as The Flute Of Titanic Annoyance gives me a vicious noogie and the screen fades to black.
week: Piper, Interrupted. Stock up on straightjackets now.