Episode Report Card Demian: F | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Enter The Stench
By Demian | Season 4 | Episode 4 | Aired on 10.17.2001
You know, I wish I could dignify the Freaky Friday rip-off that follows with appropriate character names along the lines of Fuffy/Baith and Marcel/Angus, but there is never a moment when Alyssa Milano as Paige-in-Phoebe convinces me she's accurately portraying Rose McGowan as Paige. (Though now that I think about welding together names, Raige is pretty good for Rose until I get used to the horrible name they gave her character.) Rose does a marginally better job as Phoebe, but this is mainly due to her simply dropping the neophyte act and amping up the anger. As a result, we'll be going with Alyssa for Alyssa and Rose for Rose. Any objections? Too bad. I'm doing it anyway.
So, Alyssa wakes up, bugs her eyes out, and breathily intones in that rash-inducing baby-talk manner of hers, "How did I get down here?" Cole approaches with the dropped sword, causing Alyssa to scurry behind the punching bag in fear. She pants. She hoots. She gazes at her tits. She checks the color of her ponytail. She bounds up the stairs to the kitchen. Cole-san is displeased. Upstairs, Rose is waking up herself, staggering to her feet while gripping the island counter. The gals quickly determine the nature of the problem. Rose is pissed. Alyssa is a moron. Rose agrees not to tell Piper of the potion-mixing accident. Alyssa pouts. Rose tells her to "wipe that look off my face." Alyssa yanks her shirt away from her body to gaze once more at her tits. "God, this top is tight." Rose says something about tight tops equaling killer looks before Cole-san thankfully emerges from the basement. He's pulled on a white, hoodless, zippered sweatshirt, and damn. Boy is fine. A non-comic conversation of mistaken identities ensues, and it makes absolutely no sense at all. I can understand the need to keep Piper out of the loop on this whole thing because you know she'd just turn into a raging bitch about it, but lying to Cole? To what end? Anyway, lie they do, because some idiot in the writers' room decided it would be entertaining, rather than irritating. And stupid. Rose tells Cole that Alyssa can't continue with the training that afternoon. Cole guilts Alyssa, and by extension Rose, about her lack of resolve for a little while, then squiggles out. "If we don't fix this soon, I am going to perm your hair," Rose seethes. Alyssa bites her lower lip and does her best impersonation of a retarded six-year-old.
Chinatown. Piper enters the den of her herb dealer, who, by the most amazing coincidence, is the very same Master Kwan of Dragon Blade fame. Phag bickers with the counterman, also known as Son Of Kwan. Seems the good Master is out of town at the moment. Son Of Kwan runs the show in his father's absence, and will not comply with Phag's request for the Dragon Blade -- a "family heirloom" they keep in a frame high up on the wall of the shop. Phag presents him with the note Gold-Tooth Charlie penned for the Master, but Son Of Kwan doesn't read Chinese. Piper interrupts all of this to ask for "a sprig of wormwood." Phag shoots Son Of Kwan a filthy look as he turns to take care of the Anglo dog. She then leaps onto the counter, pauses long enough to get reaction shots from Piper and Son, and springs up onto the wall to grab the Dragon Blade from its frame. She lands back on the counter and flies over Piper's head to crash out through the window. Understandably startled, Piper tosses her hands into the air, accidentally freezing the Son Of Kwan. Ignoring him, she exits the shop to follow Phag through an alley festooned with banners inked in Mandarin. Piper blows up some trash to get Phag's attention. "Who are you?" Phag demands as Gold-Tooth Charlie emerges from a darkened doorway to call her name. He steps past a puddle of alleyway grime, not noticing the leering mug of Not Cho in the water beneath his feet. Phag wags the purloined dagger at her father as Not Cho leaps up from the puddle with his blade drawn. He skewers Gold-Tooth Charlie while sliming at Phag, "I told you I was just getting started." Not Cho then vanishes back into the puddle with Phag's Pa, who remains shish-kebabbed on Not Cho's sword. Phag screams, "No!" as she runs towards them. Piper scuttles after her into the commercial break.
Manor parlor, aftermath. Piper and Phag perch on a sofa, with the purloined dagger on the coffee table in front of them. Phag fills Piper in on the backstory, adding that Not Cho overcame the injury she earlier inflicted by using his knowledge of the Mystical Ways Of Whatever to escape to "a place where souls pass on their way to reincarnation. The mystical region between life and death." "Limbo," the Dolt helpfully defines from his seat on another couch. "Metaphysical and magical laws are amplified in Limbo," he explains. "As long as he stays there his wound will never advance. He can literally cheat death forever." Oh, the pain. I could rant about how wrong it is to define Limbo in this manner. I could rant further about what the Second Vatican Council had to say on the topic. I could even crack wise about unbaptized infants and the righteous of other faiths, but you know what? I want to make it through this shit-pile car-wreck of an episode with my sanity and relative youth intact, so we're just going to play along. The purpose of the purloined dagger is to capture Not Cho's soul, thereby depriving him of his ability to wreak havoc on the planet with his perversion of the Mystical Ways Of Whatever. By absconding with Gold-Tooth Charlie to Limbo, Not Cho seeks to punish Phag's Pa by preventing his soul from ever being reborn. As long as Charlie's body remains there, his soul remains trapped. I think I got everything. Oh, wait: Not Cho can use "any surface of water as a portal," but he can't stay in this world for extended periods of time, as that would allow his wounds to advance to the point where they kill him. Everyone got that? Christ, this is tedious. Piper rises to her feet to summon Alyssa and Rose from the kitchen. Upon entering the parlor, they are introduced to Phag. Alyssa makes with the "Hi! I'm Paige! Oops! I mean, hi! I'm Phoebe!" B.S. that is so very not enjoyable. Piper, Phag, and the Dolt glance uneasily at each other. Piper decides Phoebe is simply being her usual low-wattage self and instructs the two to ensure that the leaky water valve in the basement is blocked, then heads to the attic to consult the Book of Shadows on other possible entries into Limbo.