Before we get to the recap proper, I have to ask a question. Now, I don't watch Angel on a regular basis because my tolerance of televised stupidity does have its limits, but from Strega's most excellent recaps, I've learned that last week's lame episode featured Joss Whedon's version of Furies, and this week's lame episode featured his version of body-switching. Coincidence? Or proof that Whedon and Brad Kern are really a single crack-smoking hack who uses two different names?
For an episode that ends up being such a steaming pile of manure, this one does start off well enough. Cole, shirtless and glistening in a pair of black track pants and matching sneakers. So much for the good part of tonight's episode. Cole whirls around with his fists at the ready, and with a couple of manly hoos and hahs proceeds to land a kick into Phoebe's stomach. Apparently, they're practicing martial arts techniques. They're in some sort of barn-like dungeon with rough stone walls, within which are contained numerous pieces of gym equipment and various weapons. With Phoebe doubled over from the kick she's received, Cole instructs, "Don't be tense. Be ready. If you see me expand --" And here I start snickering like the dirty little Catholic schoolboy gone horribly wrong I am, and have to pause the tape to let the filthy thoughts run their course. Because my filthy thoughts could easily double as triathletes, it is quite some time before they've exhausted themselves and I am able to hit play. So, Cole continues with "contract" -- and look at that. They're off and running again. The worthless little bastards. Cole, with more of the tutoring: "If I contract, you expand." Anything you say, pal. Anything you say.
Phoebe, who is also in this scene but makes nary a mark on my memory of it, nods her head, and the two continue with the hoo-ing and the hah-ing and the spinning and the kicking and the sweating and the parrying and this is going to be a really short recap if they don't return to their normal, talky selves sometime soon. Cole finally flips Phoebe onto her back and squats over her with a coiled fist ready to make its acquaintance with her jaw. Phoebe smirks and pants out, "If you wanted to be on top, all you had to do was ask." Oh, fine: Hee. In the background, someone joins me in the tittering, and the camera swings around to reveal Rose indulging in a bit of voyeurism from her seat on the basement steps. Wait. The basement steps? This little gym they've set up is in the basement? What happened to all the stowed-away holiday decorations and discarded bed linens and china and furniture and stores of bottled water and canned goods and preserves on the shelves and all the other crap they kept down there? And they set all of this up -- when, exactly? In the two free minutes they've had out of the time spent planning Prue's funeral, interring her remains, holding the wake, thwarting the investigation into her death, finding Rose and saving her from the dark demonic forces sent from the flaming maw of Hell to destroy her, accompanying Piper on her ill-conceived headlong rush into the destruction of all said dark demonic forces, and exorcizing the Furies that subsequently possessed her? Pull the other one.
Phoebe darts to her feet to chide Rose for slacking off. Seems Rose should be "studying for Piper's quiz" on "potion basics," but Rose has bailed in hopes of "go[ing] a couple of rounds with a demon first." Get in line, sister. The demon in question meanwhile has risen to his feet to display his sleek, slick build to the viewing audience, and the viewing audience finds itself overwhelmed with gratitude for this selfless gesture on his part. Over at the stairs, Phoebe's babbling something about Piper taking her "witchcraft quizzes very seriously," and yes, one may easily argue that this point of Piper's characterization has no canonical precedent in the text of the series to date, but good goddamn -- did you get a look at Cole? Phoebe attempts to impress upon Rose the immediacy of the need to get her up to speed as quickly as possible, as their "lives may depend on it." Rose snipes about this "appeal" to her "conscience" being "a low blow" (snort), but rises to comply with Phoebe's request. She sighs, "I just want to know when the fun starts," then eye-rolls her way up to the kitchen.
Phoebe turns back to Cole with "Where were we?" "Training," he intones before sticking his tongue in the exposition's ear. Blah he was away for seven days on a fact-finding mission blee factions are aligning against The Source bling yeah he's The Source of All Evil so what's with this "factions against him" crap blang whatever just go with it bleaugh The Source intends to finish what he started and this time it's personal blag terror-cakes. Cole hoists two scabbards from their place on the basement wall and hurls one at Feebs. "You think The Source is going to challenge me to a swordfight?" Phoebe snorts derisively. "Hand-to-hand combat is too safe," Cole preaches. "Swordfighting teaches confidence. Intensity." Oh, please. Knock it off with this Mr. Miyagi shit and just stand there and look pretty, okay, hon? Phoebe makes it clear that, after his seven-day absence, she wants to focus on a different kind of sword, if you know what I mean, and who can blame her? Look at him. Samurai Cole tells her she needs "to learn to fight like a demon. Training must come before everything," he adds, continuing to annoy me. "Including us. Are you ready?" he asks, waving his sword around, and boy is that going to sound filthy for the rest of the evening. "Do I have a choice?" she responds. Her answer is Cole taking a swipe at her with the blade. She dodges by snipering to the floor with a gasp. She sets a look of determination in her eyes, slides her own sword from its scabbard, and...
...we cut to some white-clad ninja freak doing the same amid faux bamboo shoots. I know the left coast is home to many boneheaded ideas, and I'm hoping this is either a new California-style corporate management training program or some bleeding-edge way for the jaded gay folk in the Bay Area to meet and greet. Because if this Crouching Loser, Visible Stupidity subplot is for real, I'm going to have to impale my head on a spike. Through the faux bamboo, we spy an elderly gentleman kneeling before a statue of Buddha. The white-clad ninja freak darts over some rocks to, yes, crouch behind the elderly gent, who snaps to attention when his Spidey sense starts tingling. You all keep watching as I spread out some newspapers to blot the gouts of blood that will spray from my head when that spike I mentioned pierces my skull. The elderly gentleman is a total Hey! It's That Guy by the name of James Hong, in case you were interested. A quick glance at his filmography in the Internet Movie Database reveals the expected array of characters named "Chang," "Ho," "Wang," and "Waiter," but my favorite name is either "Phags-Pa" from the 1982 Marco Polo mini-series he did or the egregious "Gold-Tooth Charlie" from an episode of the 1950s show The Californians. So, Gold-Tooth Charlie remains where he is as a black-clad ninja freak descends from somewhere overhead to confront her white-clad antagonist. You can tell she's a woman by her hair. Not Michelle Yeoh and Not Chow Yun-Fat make with the not-skilled, not-graceful, not-well-choreographed swordplay. This goes on for quite some time. At one point, Not Michelle leaps into a tree. They smash some decorative pottery, too. Not Michelle finally corners Not Chow and flicks the ninja mask from his face with the point of her sword. "Yen Lo!" she shouts. Or something supposedly Chinese. The actor's Korean (Daniel Dae Kim, and you can make your own Unbearable Lightness of Pyongyang joke), so I think I'll call him Not Cho. As in Margaret. Sorry if I'm rambling. It's a bit difficult to think concisely when a railroad spike's been rammed through your forehead.
Not Michelle's all "This is how you repay my father after all he taught you? Everything he gave you?" Gold-Tooth Charlie crosses a small, picturesque bridge to stand at Not Michelle's side. If he's the father of whom she speaks, she will now be Phag. Despite the fact that Not Cho calls her something like "An Ling," because that name is so obviously a suck-up to Ang Lee I could vomit. The gist of the beef Not Cho has with these people is that Gold-Tooth Charlie trained him in the Mystical Ways Of Whatever so that Not Cho could one day succeed him as head of the "monastery." Not Cho took the training and tried to use it for personal gain, which we all recognize to be A Big No-No in The Land Of Charmed. So, Phag's Pa made Phag here his designated successor in Not Cho's stead, and now Not Cho believes it to be payback time. There's some more swordplay when Gold-Tooth Charlie orders Not Cho off the premises. Phag stabs him in the gut. "You think this is the end," Not Cho threatens. "We're just getting started." Not Cho darts over to a nearby birdbath and dives into it, vanishing in the splash of the shallow water. Yeah, it sounds cool, but I think they burned through too much of their effects budget in the last three episodes, because it comes out looking assy. Rather than seeming to disappear through a portal, Not Cho sort of dissolves in mid-air. Phag and her Pa stand over the birdbath in consternation as we cut to the credits.
Back from the break, Piper's in the kitchen with Rose, asking her a question about the proper disposal of unused "sea slugs." Rose makes an unfunny about releasing them into their native habitat, whereas the correct method involves freeze-drying them for future use. Rose, who heretofore has shown no affinity for sweets whatsoever, toys with A Conspicuous Lollipop Of Contrivance. Piper, who heretofore has shown no need to share her extensive knowledge of potions and their ingredients, is a total bitch. "This isn't like trig," she whines. "It's not like you're never going to use it again. If you blow a potion, innocent people could die." She flips her hair around and asks, "Didn't you study at all for this test?" Rose relates a sordid tale of club-hopping the prior evening that basically means, "Duh. Of course not. I have a life, you know." Piper groans and tells Rose to study that evening. Rose can't. The boss's son is in town, and she hopes that showing him a good time will further her career opportunities, like, whore, maybe if you actually worked while at your place of employment, you'd get that promotion you want. Piper accuses Rose of having "no priorities." Doesn't she realize that The Glamorous Ladies Of Halliwell Manor could be attacked at any moment? If that's the case, Rose counters, why is she wasting her time with "book learning" when she should be "learning how to body-slam big, sweaty demons like Phoebe." I'm going to assume she did not just call Phoebe a big, sweaty demon, but was rather referring to Cole. Piper exasperates that Phoebe's been working on her "craft" for a good three years now. If Rose is patient, and learns all of her lessons, one day she'll "get a big, sweaty demon of [her] own." Again with the assumption above. Piper rises from the table to retrieve an umbrella and the car keys. She needs to head to Chinatown to replenish the Manor's herb supply. Rose jumps at the chance to go with her for a manicure while Piper's shopping. Piper clenches and states, "Don't make me the Wicked Witch of the Northwest." Too late. You've more than adequately taken care of that yourself. Also: "Northwest"? That would be Seattle, so shut up. "I didn't ask for this big sister gig, and, frankly, it sucks," Piper continues before ordering Rose to remain in the kitchen to practice her potions. She also suggests Rose lose the Conspicuous Lollipop Of Contrivance, as "it's gonna rot [her] teeth." Rose again rolls her eyes, popping the CLOC back into her mouth.
Down in the basement, Cole and Phoebe make with the sweaty swordplay. Stop it. You know what I mean. Phoebe twists her ankle and asks for a time out. Cole tells her she must learn to fight through the pain. Only he's infinitely more annoying about it than I was just there. "Demons worship strength. Power. Nothing else. To beat The Source you have to channel all of your power into your strength -- including your pain!" See what I mean? Shut it, Cole-san. More with the broadswords. As the camera pans with them across the floor, it hits a support pillar in the cellar. The screen wipes from left to right with said pillar to land us back with the Mystical Orientals in their gladed little "monastery" in the middle of San Francisco. Whatever. Phag is moaning something to Gold-Tooth Charlie about protecting him from Not Cho. Phag's Pa tells her that, to defeat Not Cho, they need the "Dragon Blade." This plot line can bite me. Gold-Tooth Charlie hands her a note, instructing her to take it to a "Master Kwan." She doesn't want to leave his side, as Not Cho might attack in her absence, and then where would she be? Why, she'd be "the master" herself, and would of course know what to do, for they are Mystical Orientals. There's some "empowering," Mulan-esque nattering about how Phag is the best student and the strongest fighter and her father's true daughter and the right person for the job. Phag's not having it, for she's a girl and by her that's not so great. She's unsure, for her silhouette is curvy. She walks with a sweet and girlish gait, with her hips kind of swivelly and swirly. Gold-Tooth Charlie tells her to cram it and fetch the damn Dragon Blade already. Or maybe that was me. She scampers off, and as she goes, the camera follows to pan down into the birdbath. Not Cho peers malevolently from beneath the water's surface.
Manor kitchen. Rose adds to my migraine by shouting her way through the ingredients of the potion she's half-heartedly mixing. She's up to "POWDERED TOADSTOOL -- BAM," if you must know. Enter the Dolt, and the evening just got that much worse. They "banter" about what she's doing. She bitches some more about being stuck in the kitchen, cooking, while Phoebe gets to kick demonic ass of the tantalizing sort. The Dolt becomes the third person tonight to lecture Rose on patience and the need to hone all of her skills and blah. She snots back that she wants an active power like levitation, right. Now! Levitation is an active power? Since when? Not to mention that she's already got the telekinesis and the orbing and the healing. She should want to blow shit up like Piper. Then again, if she wanted to trade places with Piper, we wouldn't have the joy that is Alyssa Milano for most of the forty minutes. Except, you know, replace "joy" with "unending torment of the infinite pits of Hell." The Dolt, retrieving some bottled water from the fridge, reminds her that as one who is half-Whitelighter, she's also "half-pacifist" and as a result may never develop such mad fighting skillz as Piper and Phoebe possess. He dolts out on that cheery note, leaving Rose to simmer in resentment. She mutters on and on about wanting to know "just once what it's like to be Phoebe and kick some serious ass" as she tosses a final ingredient into the bubbling pot on the stove. The white powder causes the mixture to explode, and Rose is enveloped in a cloud of steam and smoke. Did I just use "white powder" and "enveloped" in the same sentence? I'm so naughty. Not. Rose drops to the floor in slow motion, and once there, she glows up in a golden tint. The glowy tint detaches and seeps through the floor to the basement below. Downstairs, Phoebe sends her sword clattering to the cement as she, too, drops in slow-motion. The Glowy Tint Of Rose trades places with The Glowy Tint Of Phoebe as Cole turns his back on them all momentarily. The transfer of Glowy Tints complete, Phoebe reawakens, if indeed she was ever unconscious. It's so hard to tell with her.
You know, I wish I could dignify the Freaky Friday rip-off that follows with appropriate character names along the lines of Fuffy/Baith and Marcel/Angus, but there is never a moment when Alyssa Milano as Paige-in-Phoebe convinces me she's accurately portraying Rose McGowan as Paige. (Though now that I think about welding together names, Raige is pretty good for Rose until I get used to the horrible name they gave her character.) Rose does a marginally better job as Phoebe, but this is mainly due to her simply dropping the neophyte act and amping up the anger. As a result, we'll be going with Alyssa for Alyssa and Rose for Rose. Any objections? Too bad. I'm doing it anyway.
So, Alyssa wakes up, bugs her eyes out, and breathily intones in that rash-inducing baby-talk manner of hers, "How did I get down here?" Cole approaches with the dropped sword, causing Alyssa to scurry behind the punching bag in fear. She pants. She hoots. She gazes at her tits. She checks the color of her ponytail. She bounds up the stairs to the kitchen. Cole-san is displeased. Upstairs, Rose is waking up herself, staggering to her feet while gripping the island counter. The gals quickly determine the nature of the problem. Rose is pissed. Alyssa is a moron. Rose agrees not to tell Piper of the potion-mixing accident. Alyssa pouts. Rose tells her to "wipe that look off my face." Alyssa yanks her shirt away from her body to gaze once more at her tits. "God, this top is tight." Rose says something about tight tops equaling killer looks before Cole-san thankfully emerges from the basement. He's pulled on a white, hoodless, zippered sweatshirt, and damn. Boy is fine. A non-comic conversation of mistaken identities ensues, and it makes absolutely no sense at all. I can understand the need to keep Piper out of the loop on this whole thing because you know she'd just turn into a raging bitch about it, but lying to Cole? To what end? Anyway, lie they do, because some idiot in the writers' room decided it would be entertaining, rather than irritating. And stupid. Rose tells Cole that Alyssa can't continue with the training that afternoon. Cole guilts Alyssa, and by extension Rose, about her lack of resolve for a little while, then squiggles out. "If we don't fix this soon, I am going to perm your hair," Rose seethes. Alyssa bites her lower lip and does her best impersonation of a retarded six-year-old.
Chinatown. Piper enters the den of her herb dealer, who, by the most amazing coincidence, is the very same Master Kwan of Dragon Blade fame. Phag bickers with the counterman, also known as Son Of Kwan. Seems the good Master is out of town at the moment. Son Of Kwan runs the show in his father's absence, and will not comply with Phag's request for the Dragon Blade -- a "family heirloom" they keep in a frame high up on the wall of the shop. Phag presents him with the note Gold-Tooth Charlie penned for the Master, but Son Of Kwan doesn't read Chinese. Piper interrupts all of this to ask for "a sprig of wormwood." Phag shoots Son Of Kwan a filthy look as he turns to take care of the Anglo dog. She then leaps onto the counter, pauses long enough to get reaction shots from Piper and Son, and springs up onto the wall to grab the Dragon Blade from its frame. She lands back on the counter and flies over Piper's head to crash out through the window. Understandably startled, Piper tosses her hands into the air, accidentally freezing the Son Of Kwan. Ignoring him, she exits the shop to follow Phag through an alley festooned with banners inked in Mandarin. Piper blows up some trash to get Phag's attention. "Who are you?" Phag demands as Gold-Tooth Charlie emerges from a darkened doorway to call her name. He steps past a puddle of alleyway grime, not noticing the leering mug of Not Cho in the water beneath his feet. Phag wags the purloined dagger at her father as Not Cho leaps up from the puddle with his blade drawn. He skewers Gold-Tooth Charlie while sliming at Phag, "I told you I was just getting started." Not Cho then vanishes back into the puddle with Phag's Pa, who remains shish-kebabbed on Not Cho's sword. Phag screams, "No!" as she runs towards them. Piper scuttles after her into the commercial break.
Manor parlor, aftermath. Piper and Phag perch on a sofa, with the purloined dagger on the coffee table in front of them. Phag fills Piper in on the backstory, adding that Not Cho overcame the injury she earlier inflicted by using his knowledge of the Mystical Ways Of Whatever to escape to "a place where souls pass on their way to reincarnation. The mystical region between life and death." "Limbo," the Dolt helpfully defines from his seat on another couch. "Metaphysical and magical laws are amplified in Limbo," he explains. "As long as he stays there his wound will never advance. He can literally cheat death forever." Oh, the pain. I could rant about how wrong it is to define Limbo in this manner. I could rant further about what the Second Vatican Council had to say on the topic. I could even crack wise about unbaptized infants and the righteous of other faiths, but you know what? I want to make it through this shit-pile car-wreck of an episode with my sanity and relative youth intact, so we're just going to play along. The purpose of the purloined dagger is to capture Not Cho's soul, thereby depriving him of his ability to wreak havoc on the planet with his perversion of the Mystical Ways Of Whatever. By absconding with Gold-Tooth Charlie to Limbo, Not Cho seeks to punish Phag's Pa by preventing his soul from ever being reborn. As long as Charlie's body remains there, his soul remains trapped. I think I got everything. Oh, wait: Not Cho can use "any surface of water as a portal," but he can't stay in this world for extended periods of time, as that would allow his wounds to advance to the point where they kill him. Everyone got that? Christ, this is tedious. Piper rises to her feet to summon Alyssa and Rose from the kitchen. Upon entering the parlor, they are introduced to Phag. Alyssa makes with the "Hi! I'm Paige! Oops! I mean, hi! I'm Phoebe!" B.S. that is so very not enjoyable. Piper, Phag, and the Dolt glance uneasily at each other. Piper decides Phoebe is simply being her usual low-wattage self and instructs the two to ensure that the leaky water valve in the basement is blocked, then heads to the attic to consult the Book of Shadows on other possible entries into Limbo.
Speaking of the nonexistent metaphysical realm, the camera cuts to a shot of thunderheads and proceeds to dive right into them. Below, we discover a sound stage that the folks on the boards so accurately described as a thirty-five-year-old relic from the original Star Trek series. There is an abundance of beige papier-mâché boulders with twigs and dried weeds popping out of them here and there. The drop cloth on the soundstage floor has been raked over with dirt and dead leaves. The diorama in the background is streaked with varying shades of brown. It's a low-tech nightmare, people. Gold-Tooth Charlie stands in the middle of all of this, strapped to a "tree." Not Cho circles him, taunting. Presently, we are introduced to a "swirling," "sucking" "vortex" in a "wall" that is identified as The Portal Into The Life. Gold-Tooth Charlie tells Not Cho that his soul will be dry-cleaned of all Eeevil should he pass through this Portal. "You can start life fresh." "Yeah," Not Cho shoots back, "as a tapeworm." Oh, so they're dragging karma through the mud along with everything else this evening. Just remember, Kern: Payback's a bitch. Not Cho reveals his dastardly plan. Now that he knows he can trap Phag's Pa in Limbo forever, he has taken it upon himself to rid the world of all "Zen masters." "All their wisdom and magic lost forever in Limbo. Now that's [Eeevil]," he sneers. Gold-Tooth Charlie changes the subject, wondering how Not Cho managed first to enter and then to escape the surrounding nonexistent metaphysical realm. Not Cho reminds him of the traveling-through-water thing and duhs something about clouds being nothing more than vast pools of wet stuff. He rises into the air, cutting the conversation short. He promises to find and kill Phag, then vanishes upwards into the mist.
Manor basement. Alyssa and Rose struggle to shut the rusted water valve. Accomplishing this, they natter about whether Alyssa can levitate in her current state. Alyssa is also revealed to be holding a Conspicuous Lollipop Of Contrivance. Rose orders Alyssa to lose the sucker and try levitating across the room. Alyssa leaps towards the punching bag and splatters to the cement flat on her ass. Comedy gold, people. Not. More blather about ensuring that Piper knows nothing of the switch, and then Rose announces she'll head to Master Kwan's den of herbs to pick up some more "powdered toadstool" so they can reverse the spell. She instructs Alyssa to remain in the basement to practice levitation until she returns.
Upstairs, the doorbell chimes. Rose answers to find a strapping young lad by the name of Mason standing on the porch. This would be the boss's son. More of the altered-identity confusion that is not amusing in the least. Alyssa appears behind Rose to make unsubtle, non-covert introductions. Mason asks Rose if she'd like to try an Italian restaurant for dinner that evening. Alyssa insists that Chinese food is in order. "Chinatown Chinese." Shut up, Alyssa. She pushes a plaid jacket and umbrella into Rose's hands and moves to shove her out the door. Rose looks distraught, for she adores being dressed in something frilly when her date comes to get her at her place. Out she goes with her Joe or Shane or Billy like a filly who is ready for the race! For when she has a brand-new hair-do with her eyelashes all in curl, she floats as the clouds on air do. She enjoys being a girl! So, Alyssa motors Rose out of the manor and slams the door shut behind her. Piper enters the hallway from upstairs to bitch about Rose bailing on them in their hour of need. Alyssa, with the CLOC improbably in hand, tries to defend Rose, and ends up getting an earful of what Piper really thinks about the new P. It's not all bad. Piper recognizes Rose's potential, but curses her refusal to learn her "craft." Alyssa insists that Rose "learns from her mistakes," and assures Piper that "she's learning fast." Piper gives her the stink-eye, clenches her teeth, rolls her eyes, and heads back up to the attic. Alyssa goggles and sighs and sucks on the CLOC. I am going to die.
Master Kwan's House Of Herbs And Crustacean Embryos. Seriously. The establishing shot is of a jar full of misshapen crawdads floating in urine. Well, a yellow liquid, at any rate. I think they're crawdads. I don't know from shellfish. The way this episode's been going, we should be thankful they're not dogs. Mason inspects the jar's contents, then asks Rose why they're there. First-date awkwardness ensues, complicated by the altered-identity tedium. Rose keeps referring to herself in the third person and mentions Cole as "my boyfriend," all of which Mason finds a bit off-putting. I presume this means he's not into three-ways with addled, distracted schizophrenics and the men who love them, which I suppose is a good thing. Rose purchases a bag of toadstool as lightning cracks outside. "Uh-oh. [Not Cho]," she singsongs, drawing a "the hell?" look of puzzlement from Mason. Rose bails on the date with little ado. Say goodbye to Mason, kids.
Manor. Lightning flashes as rain pounds the facade. Down in the basement, Alyssa attempts to levitate. She fails. Cole squiggles into the background, leaning casually on the stairs' banister. He's changed into a pair of black slacks with a blue buttondown shirt beneath a black, mid-thigh jacket. He also apparently showered. Because everything else in this episode blows dingoes, I find myself wondering where the Colethazor is keeping his wardrobe now that he no longer has an apartment in the city. He gazes upon Alyssa yodeling in dismay for a moment, then asks, "What are you doing?" What, indeed. Alyssa passes her spasmodic jerkings off as "levitation exercises." Cole asks if this means she's ready to resume her training. She nods eagerly. He flings a couple of "low voltage" Flaming Balls Of Death at her, which she is supposed to dodge. They land square on her shoulder and her ass. Alyssa yowls and hoots and tells Cole off for treating his "girlfriend" in so cavalier a manner. Cole finally guesses something's not quite right in Halliwell Manor and asks, "What's gotten into you?" "Paige!" blurts Alyssa, then makes with some lame cover story about talking to her sister about the troubles she's been having of late in her relationship with the demonic boy toy. Unfortunately, she goofs and refers to herself in the third person. Cole notes the gaffe and tries unsuccessfully to yank the truth out of Alyssa. Alyssa's all "Look! You tore my jogging bra!" or something and bolts upstairs. Cole furrows his manly brow.
Attic. The windows are leaking from the onslaught of rain, and a puddle is forming in the shadows on the floor. The Book has nothing to say on the matter of Limbo, much to Piper's irritation. Phag sits off to the side, gazing into a small glass bowl of water. Gold-Tooth Charlie, she explains, could see into other worlds by staring into a bowl such as hers. Yeah. After he split a bag of mushrooms with Aaron Sorkin, maybe. "Once," she relates, "he reached in and pulled out a plum for me from the Garden of Eden." Shut up, Phag. The Dolt asks her if she can see anything at the moment. No, for she is not as skilled in The Mystical Ways Of Whatever as Gold-Tooth Charlie. The Dolt orbs out for a consult with The Powers That Be on the topic of portals into Limbo. Piper sits at the table and the two women bond over losing a loved one and filling said loved one's shoes and blah and blee and stages-of-grief-cakes. Thunder crashes. Piper rises, inviting Phag to follow her downstairs. "With all this rain," she notes, "we need to protect the house from [Not Cho]." The camera lingers on them as they exit; then the shot cuts to take in the puddle from the rain. Not Cho leaps up through the puddle into the attic, all slit-eyed stereotype of Mongol-Horde Eeevil. He poses with his sword for a moment, and we cut to commercial.
Rose enters the hall from the storm outside and strips off her rain gear. Not Cho inches silently down the staircase above, ogling her. Cole appears, startling Rose, and starts sliming a ham-fisted come-on. We get a couple of Not Cho POVs through the woodwork of the balustrade as all of this is going on. Once he's determined that Cole and Rose are suitably distracted, he slinks down the remaining stairs to head into the kitchen. Meanwhile, Rose is thoroughly disgusted by Cole's revolting advances. Alyssa jiggles down the stairs just in time to catch Cole mashing his lips against Rose's. "Hey!" she pouts. Shut up, Alyssa. Rose breaks the clinch and flips Cole to his back on the carpet. She accuses him of being a creep. He calls her "Phoebe." The gals figure out he's unraveled their tissue of lies. "You know?" gasps Alyssa. "How do you know?" "For one thing," he replies, "you suck at levitating. For another, you set me straight on the way I've been treating Phoebe as only a sister could." Rose is surprised to hear the latter, but only mildly. Cole paws her ass, telling her he'll be back when the two have sorted out this little mix-up. Rose growls as he squiggles out. The two women chat at each other about toadstool and potions before being interrupted by a shout from the kitchen.
"Piper, look out!" screams Phag, but the warning arrives too late. Not Cho slams Piper through a table, then draws his sword. Phag responds in kind, unsheathing the purloined dagger. The blade glows green in her hand. Not Cho recognizes it as the Dragon Blade; they start hacking away at each other. Rose and Alyssa trundle in from the hallway in time to see Not Cho slicing his way into Phag's forearm. She drops the dagger and staggers back against a wall. "Phoebe!" Piper yells. "Stop him!" Alyssa leaps to spin helplessly in mid-air about three feet off the ground. Yes, she's yodeling. Not Cho grabs the dropped dagger, back-flips onto the counter, and vanishes into the dishwater in the sink. The vanishing-into-the-sink bit was sort of cool. Rose drags Alyssa out of the air as Piper rushes to Phag's side, calling for the Dolt. He orbs in and moves immediately to make with the special tingly touch on Phag's arm. Piper wheels on her sisters, barking out, "You two! Follow me!" She stomps out into the sun porch, the errant Ps trailing meekly behind. The truth quickly comes out, with predictable results. Piper blows her top. "Oh. My. GOD. You. SWITCHED. BODIES?" Yes, Piper, they did. Now shut up and get over it. God knows I was over it five seconds after it happened. Alyssa and Rose reassure her that they now have the ingredients necessary to reverse the spell. Piper suddenly lights up with a brilliant idea, but for the moment chooses to remain mum about the details. She orders everyone back into the kitchen.
Once there, Alyssa quickly whips up a recreation of the original mixture. Piper asks if she's certain no other ingredients are needed. "Just the powdered toadstool," Alyssa breathily shrugs. I do not even know why I'm bothering to ask this, but the order in which ingredients are added to a potion is important, correct? If so, would the crackheads in charge of continuity please refer to the original scene of the body-switching? Powdered toadstool was the second-to-last ingredient before the changeover, with the anthrax being the last. Got that? Jackasses. Rrrgh. Anyway, Alyssa grabs a pinch of whatever, clasps hands with Rose, and the two recite, "I want to be me again" before Alyssa dumps the powder into the pot. Explosion. Puff of steam and smoke. Glowy Tints moving hither and yon. You know the drill. Once Phoebe and Raige are back to themselves again, Piper reveals the brilliant idea she had out in the sun porch. Piper proposes she switch bodies with Gold-Tooth Charlie, as he is "the only person who knows how to enter Limbo." Um, not true, Piper. There's also Not Cho, but I suppose I can understand why you wouldn't want to swap with him. The Dolt debates the merits of the plan with Piper, finally agreeing with her that they have no other options. Piper grabs a pinch of the powder and states, "I want to be the Zen master." Well, that's certainly dodgy. She couldn't summon his Glowy Tint by name? She could end up in Thailand being so non-specific. Anyway, she dumps the pinch into the pot. Explosion, puff of steam and smoke, Glowy Tints moving hither and yon.
Down and out in the non-existent metaphysical realm, Piper-Tooth Charlie shudders up against the "tree trunk." Up and over in the kitchen, Holly Marie Combs snaps back, then settles into her method of indicating the soul-switch, which aims for "mellowed, centered, and wise" but unfortunately ends up somewhere around "heavily sedated." Morphine Holly tells Raige and Phoebe, "You have a very brave sister." She then confabs with Phag about the Dragon Blade's whereabouts. They realize that Not Cho must have taken it with him. Meanwhile, Not Cho demands to know what just happened to Piper-Tooth Charlie. Piper-Tooth babbles something about blacking out momentarily. Not Cho's not having it. "Who are you?" he asks. Piper-Tooth raises himself up nobly and bluffs, "I am one with the universe." Not Cho laughs in his face. He knows Phag's Pa too well to be taken in by the attempted deception, he claims. He also knows Phag's Pa does not possess the power to switch bodies. "You must be one of the witches," he spits. He realizes that means Morphine Holly and her posse will soon be arriving to reclaim her soul. He brandishes the glowing green dagger. "The question is, how are they gonna get your soul back when I've got it?" Not Cho presses the tip of the dagger against Piper-Tooth Charlie's chest, and the Glowy Tint Of Piper melts down into the blade. Piper-Tooth Charlie slumps into Unconscious Meat-Puppet Charlie as Not Cho twiddles the dagger around in his fingers and grins. Commercial.
Up in the attic, Morphine Holly stands with her posse around the puddle of rainwater that's leaked in through the windows. They natter about the non-existent metaphysical realm and what they can expect once they get there. Phag fills Morphine Holly in on the plan to retrieve Meat-Puppet Charlie from Limbo in order to have the Dolt heal his wound. "He's a miracle worker," she notes, smiling at the Dolt. The Dolt beams. Shut up, Dolt. Morphine Holly waves her hand over the puddle, and Meat-Puppet Charlie appears, lashed to his "tree." No, I don't know how Morphine Holly can access Gold-Tooth Charlie's powers in Piper's body when Phoebe and Raige couldn't access their own powers when their souls were switched, so don't bother asking. Gazing upon the lifeless form of Meat-Puppet Charlie, they surmise that Not Cho has used the Dragon Blade to capture Piper's Glowy Tint. Morphine Holly instructs the Dolt to remain in the Manor until they return. If he accompanies them into the nonexistent metaphysical realm, he runs the risk of being sucked into that dry-cleaning vortex. One by one, the gals disappear into the puddle on the floor.
Limbo. Morphine Holly and her posse glance around uneasily. Raige and Phoebe cross to Meat-Puppet Charlie's side. Not Cho descends from mid-air behind Morphine Holly and Phag to menace. He knocks Phag onto her back, then back-flips to land a kick into Morphine Holly's chest. She flies backwards, landing on the dirt-stained drop cloth a few feet from The Vortex Of Dry-Cleaning. The Vortex grabs hold of her and drags her back towards the portal. Morphine Holly grabs onto a wooden railing as Phag runs to her aid. Meanwhile, Raige spots the Dragon Blade tucked into Not Cho's belt. She points it out to Phoebe, and the dagger orbs into her outstretched hand immediately. Phoebe guesses that Limbo has amplified Raige's powers. She instructs Raige to remove Piper's Glowy Tint from the dagger, then bounds over to Not Cho. "So it's you," he says mildly. "Black-Belt Barbie." Snicker. I love Barbie jokes. Phoebe quickly proves herself to be Nutcracker Barbie as she leaps into the air to boot Not Cho onto a nearby shelf of papier-mâché rocks. He drops his sword. Raige calls out to her, asking Phoebe how she's to retrieve The Glowy Tint Of Piper from the blade. Phoebe yells back something about orbing it out. Rose screws her face up in constipation, and The Glowy Tint emerges to hover above the dagger. Phoebe and Not Cho tussle, with pants and grunts and hoos and hahs aplenty. Raige meanwhile slides The Glowy Tint back into Meat-Puppet Charlie and unties him from the "tree." Over at The Vortex Of Dry-Cleaning, Phag struggles to hold onto Morphine Holly's hand. Not Cho flips Phoebe off the ledge onto the drop cloth, then bounds down after her. He prepares to gut her like a fish. Raige orbs the Dragon Blade into Phoebe's hand. She plunges it into Not Cho's heart, and his Glowy Tint melts out as Corpse Cho drops to the ground.
Suddenly, The Vortex stops sucking and turns into a glassy image of a cloud-dotted blue sky. Limbo promptly morphs into a verdant garden. Raige gazes around in awe. "What happened?" she wonders. "Beats the hell out of me," Piper notes from Phag's side. She crosses to join her sisters as Gold-Tooth Charlie makes with the strained explanations. The version of Limbo they entered was a reflection of Not Cho's "fear of crossing over." Now that the "natural order" has been restored, Limbo appears in its true form, and Piper and Phag's Pa's souls have returned to their true bodies. Whatever, Grandpa. Phag tells her Pa that they have to return to the Manor so the Dolt can heal him. He gets all Mystical Oriental on her ass, telling her he was "mortally wounded" and must therefore submit to the will of the magical blah. Phag protests. Addressing his daughter, he states, "You know better than to cling to the physical world the way you clung to my hand at the [Vortex]. I am no greater or less than anyone else facing death. That is the only lesson that keeps you from being a true Zen master." In case that little lecture wasn't anvilicious enough for you, we get a reaction shot of Phoebe looking contemplative, so we know this is really All About Prue. Gold-Tooth Charlie pauses, then turns his attention to the Ps to bludgeon us all with his message. "Death is a part of life. A transition and rebirth. Something your friends here have learned recently." The Glamorous Ladies Of Halliwell Manor look so very sad. Shut up, Glamorous Ladies. Phoebe relinquishes the Dragon Blade to Gold-Tooth Charlie. Phag and her Pa profess their eternal love for one another, and he turns to enter The Portal Of Dry-Cleaning. Those he leaves behind exchange Looks Fraught With Significance. The four ladies then clasp hands to float up into the clouds and back into their own world.
The shot dissolves from the ladies rising into the mist to a shot of the clouds above a park in San Francisco. The camera pans down through the trees to land on Piper and Raige, strolling along a flower bed. Raige runs through the list of magical herbs, correctly defining the purpose of each. Piper turns to Phoebe and the Dolt, who lounge on a blanket on the grass with a picnic basket. "She got every one right!" Raige makes a gracefully modest curtsy, then crosses with Piper to kneel on the blanket. Raige reveals that the amplification of her powers in Limbo has given her a new outlook on her studies in the craft, and she is determined to excel in those studies to advance to that enhanced state as quickly as possible. Phoebe cautions Raige to maintain as normal a life as possible outside of her studies, and adds that should be easy with a dishy guy like Mason around. Raige tells them all that the strapping and never-to-be-seen-again lad ditched out on their follow-up date, because he thought Raige "wasn't comfortable in [her] own skin." She's cool with that, though. She's strictly a female female, and her future, she knows, will be in the home of a brave and free male who'll enjoy being a guy having a girl. Like. She! Cole squiggles in at that moment and approaches the four on the grass. Phoebe bounds to her feet to greet him. She wonders what that day's training schedule will involve. "Light sabers?" Shut up, Phoebe. Cole has other plans. He thought they might take the afternoon off for a picnic in "the south of France." She beams and moves in for a clinch. They squiggle out as we fade to black, and this shit-pile car-wreck of an episode finally grinds to a halt.
No previews, just the promise of a new episode week. It can't possibly be any worse than this one was. I hope. Oh, one more thing: Bounty hunters! Scream, damn you! Scream!