Before we get to the recap proper, I have to ask a question. Now, I don't watch Angel on a regular basis because my tolerance of televised stupidity does have its limits, but from Strega's most excellent recaps, I've learned that last week's lame episode featured Joss Whedon's version of Furies, and this week's lame episode featured his version of body-switching. Coincidence? Or proof that Whedon and Brad Kern are really a single crack-smoking hack who uses two different names?
For an episode that ends up being such a steaming pile of manure, this one does start off well enough. Cole, shirtless and glistening in a pair of black track pants and matching sneakers. So much for the good part of tonight's episode. Cole whirls around with his fists at the ready, and with a couple of manly hoos and hahs proceeds to land a kick into Phoebe's stomach. Apparently, they're practicing martial arts techniques. They're in some sort of barn-like dungeon with rough stone walls, within which are contained numerous pieces of gym equipment and various weapons. With Phoebe doubled over from the kick she's received, Cole instructs, "Don't be tense. Be ready. If you see me expand --" And here I start snickering like the dirty little Catholic schoolboy gone horribly wrong I am, and have to pause the tape to let the filthy thoughts run their course. Because my filthy thoughts could easily double as triathletes, it is quite some time before they've exhausted themselves and I am able to hit play. So, Cole continues with "contract" -- and look at that. They're off and running again. The worthless little bastards. Cole, with more of the tutoring: "If I contract, you expand." Anything you say, pal. Anything you say.
Phoebe, who is also in this scene but makes nary a mark on my memory of it, nods her head, and the two continue with the hoo-ing and the hah-ing and the spinning and the kicking and the sweating and the parrying and this is going to be a really short recap if they don't return to their normal, talky selves sometime soon. Cole finally flips Phoebe onto her back and squats over her with a coiled fist ready to make its acquaintance with her jaw. Phoebe smirks and pants out, "If you wanted to be on top, all you had to do was ask." Oh, fine: Hee. In the background, someone joins me in the tittering, and the camera swings around to reveal Rose indulging in a bit of voyeurism from her seat on the basement steps. Wait. The basement steps? This little gym they've set up is in the basement? What happened to all the stowed-away holiday decorations and discarded bed linens and china and furniture and stores of bottled water and canned goods and preserves on the shelves and all the other crap they kept down there? And they set all of this up -- when, exactly? In the two free minutes they've had out of the time spent planning Prue's funeral, interring her remains, holding the wake, thwarting the investigation into her death, finding Rose and saving her from the dark demonic forces sent from the flaming maw of Hell to destroy her, accompanying Piper on her ill-conceived headlong rush into the destruction of all said dark demonic forces, and exorcizing the Furies that subsequently possessed her? Pull the other one.
Phoebe darts to her feet to chide Rose for slacking off. Seems Rose should be "studying for Piper's quiz" on "potion basics," but Rose has bailed in hopes of "go[ing] a couple of rounds with a demon first." Get in line, sister. The demon in question meanwhile has risen to his feet to display his sleek, slick build to the viewing audience, and the viewing audience finds itself overwhelmed with gratitude for this selfless gesture on his part. Over at the stairs, Phoebe's babbling something about Piper taking her "witchcraft quizzes very seriously," and yes, one may easily argue that this point of Piper's characterization has no canonical precedent in the text of the series to date, but good goddamn -- did you get a look at Cole? Phoebe attempts to impress upon Rose the immediacy of the need to get her up to speed as quickly as possible, as their "lives may depend on it." Rose snipes about this "appeal" to her "conscience" being "a low blow" (snort), but rises to comply with Phoebe's request. She sighs, "I just want to know when the fun starts," then eye-rolls her way up to the kitchen.
Phoebe turns back to Cole with "Where were we?" "Training," he intones before sticking his tongue in the exposition's ear. Blah he was away for seven days on a fact-finding mission blee factions are aligning against The Source bling yeah he's The Source of All Evil so what's with this "factions against him" crap blang whatever just go with it bleaugh The Source intends to finish what he started and this time it's personal blag terror-cakes. Cole hoists two scabbards from their place on the basement wall and hurls one at Feebs. "You think The Source is going to challenge me to a swordfight?" Phoebe snorts derisively. "Hand-to-hand combat is too safe," Cole preaches. "Swordfighting teaches confidence. Intensity." Oh, please. Knock it off with this Mr. Miyagi shit and just stand there and look pretty, okay, hon? Phoebe makes it clear that, after his seven-day absence, she wants to focus on a different kind of sword, if you know what I mean, and who can blame her? Look at him. Samurai Cole tells her she needs "to learn to fight like a demon. Training must come before everything," he adds, continuing to annoy me. "Including us. Are you ready?" he asks, waving his sword around, and boy is that going to sound filthy for the rest of the evening. "Do I have a choice?" she responds. Her answer is Cole taking a swipe at her with the blade. She dodges by snipering to the floor with a gasp. She sets a look of determination in her eyes, slides her own sword from its scabbard, and...
“ I think I'll call him Not Cho. As in Margaret. Sorry if I'm rambling. It's a bit difficult to think concisely when a railroad spike's been rammed through your forehead. ”
...we cut to some white-clad ninja freak doing the same amid faux bamboo shoots. I know the left coast is home to many boneheaded ideas, and I'm hoping this is either a new California-style corporate management training program or some bleeding-edge way for the jaded gay folk in the Bay Area to meet and greet. Because if this Crouching Loser, Visible Stupidity subplot is for real, I'm going to have to impale my head on a spike. Through the faux bamboo, we spy an elderly gentleman kneeling before a statue of Buddha. The white-clad ninja freak darts over some rocks to, yes, crouch behind the elderly gent, who snaps to attention when his Spidey sense starts tingling. You all keep watching as I spread out some newspapers to blot the gouts of blood that will spray from my head when that spike I mentioned pierces my skull. The elderly gentleman is a total Hey! It's That Guy by the name of James Hong, in case you were interested. A quick glance at his filmography in the Internet Movie Database reveals the expected array of characters named "Chang," "Ho," "Wang," and "Waiter," but my favorite name is either "Phags-Pa" from the 1982 Marco Polo mini-series he did or the egregious "Gold-Tooth Charlie" from an episode of the 1950s show The Californians. So, Gold-Tooth Charlie remains where he is as a black-clad ninja freak descends from somewhere overhead to confront her white-clad antagonist. You can tell she's a woman by her hair. Not Michelle Yeoh and Not Chow Yun-Fat make with the not-skilled, not-graceful, not-well-choreographed swordplay. This goes on for quite some time. At one point, Not Michelle leaps into a tree. They smash some decorative pottery, too. Not Michelle finally corners Not Chow and flicks the ninja mask from his face with the point of her sword. "Yen Lo!" she shouts. Or something supposedly Chinese. The actor's Korean (Daniel Dae Kim, and you can make your own Unbearable Lightness of Pyongyang joke), so I think I'll call him Not Cho. As in Margaret. Sorry if I'm rambling. It's a bit difficult to think concisely when a railroad spike's been rammed through your forehead.
Not Michelle's all "This is how you repay my father after all he taught you? Everything he gave you?" Gold-Tooth Charlie crosses a small, picturesque bridge to stand at Not Michelle's side. If he's the father of whom she speaks, she will now be Phag. Despite the fact that Not Cho calls her something like "An Ling," because that name is so obviously a suck-up to Ang Lee I could vomit. The gist of the beef Not Cho has with these people is that Gold-Tooth Charlie trained him in the Mystical Ways Of Whatever so that Not Cho could one day succeed him as head of the "monastery." Not Cho took the training and tried to use it for personal gain, which we all recognize to be A Big No-No in The Land Of Charmed. So, Phag's Pa made Phag here his designated successor in Not Cho's stead, and now Not Cho believes it to be payback time. There's some more swordplay when Gold-Tooth Charlie orders Not Cho off the premises. Phag stabs him in the gut. "You think this is the end," Not Cho threatens. "We're just getting started." Not Cho darts over to a nearby birdbath and dives into it, vanishing in the splash of the shallow water. Yeah, it sounds cool, but I think they burned through too much of their effects budget in the last three episodes, because it comes out looking assy. Rather than seeming to disappear through a portal, Not Cho sort of dissolves in mid-air. Phag and her Pa stand over the birdbath in consternation as we cut to the credits.
“ Cole tells her she must learn to fight through the pain. Only he's infinitely more annoying about it than I was just there. 'Demons worship strength. Power. Nothing else. To beat The Source you have to channel all of your power into your strength -- including your pain!' See what I mean? Shut it, Cole-san. ”
Back from the break, Piper's in the kitchen with Rose, asking her a question about the proper disposal of unused "sea slugs." Rose makes an unfunny about releasing them into their native habitat, whereas the correct method involves freeze-drying them for future use. Rose, who heretofore has shown no affinity for sweets whatsoever, toys with A Conspicuous Lollipop Of Contrivance. Piper, who heretofore has shown no need to share her extensive knowledge of potions and their ingredients, is a total bitch. "This isn't like trig," she whines. "It's not like you're never going to use it again. If you blow a potion, innocent people could die." She flips her hair around and asks, "Didn't you study at all for this test?" Rose relates a sordid tale of club-hopping the prior evening that basically means, "Duh. Of course not. I have a life, you know." Piper groans and tells Rose to study that evening. Rose can't. The boss's son is in town, and she hopes that showing him a good time will further her career opportunities, like, whore, maybe if you actually worked while at your place of employment, you'd get that promotion you want. Piper accuses Rose of having "no priorities." Doesn't she realize that The Glamorous Ladies Of Halliwell Manor could be attacked at any moment? If that's the case, Rose counters, why is she wasting her time with "book learning" when she should be "learning how to body-slam big, sweaty demons like Phoebe." I'm going to assume she did not just call Phoebe a big, sweaty demon, but was rather referring to Cole. Piper exasperates that Phoebe's been working on her "craft" for a good three years now. If Rose is patient, and learns all of her lessons, one day she'll "get a big, sweaty demon of [her] own." Again with the assumption above. Piper rises from the table to retrieve an umbrella and the car keys. She needs to head to Chinatown to replenish the Manor's herb supply. Rose jumps at the chance to go with her for a manicure while Piper's shopping. Piper clenches and states, "Don't make me the Wicked Witch of the Northwest." Too late. You've more than adequately taken care of that yourself. Also: "Northwest"? That would be Seattle, so shut up. "I didn't ask for this big sister gig, and, frankly, it sucks," Piper continues before ordering Rose to remain in the kitchen to practice her potions. She also suggests Rose lose the Conspicuous Lollipop Of Contrivance, as "it's gonna rot [her] teeth." Rose again rolls her eyes, popping the CLOC back into her mouth.
Down in the basement, Cole and Phoebe make with the sweaty swordplay. Stop it. You know what I mean. Phoebe twists her ankle and asks for a time out. Cole tells her she must learn to fight through the pain. Only he's infinitely more annoying about it than I was just there. "Demons worship strength. Power. Nothing else. To beat The Source you have to channel all of your power into your strength -- including your pain!" See what I mean? Shut it, Cole-san. More with the broadswords. As the camera pans with them across the floor, it hits a support pillar in the cellar. The screen wipes from left to right with said pillar to land us back with the Mystical Orientals in their gladed little "monastery" in the middle of San Francisco. Whatever. Phag is moaning something to Gold-Tooth Charlie about protecting him from Not Cho. Phag's Pa tells her that, to defeat Not Cho, they need the "Dragon Blade." This plot line can bite me. Gold-Tooth Charlie hands her a note, instructing her to take it to a "Master Kwan." She doesn't want to leave his side, as Not Cho might attack in her absence, and then where would she be? Why, she'd be "the master" herself, and would of course know what to do, for they are Mystical Orientals. There's some "empowering," Mulan-esque nattering about how Phag is the best student and the strongest fighter and her father's true daughter and the right person for the job. Phag's not having it, for she's a girl and by her that's not so great. She's unsure, for her silhouette is curvy. She walks with a sweet and girlish gait, with her hips kind of swivelly and swirly. Gold-Tooth Charlie tells her to cram it and fetch the damn Dragon Blade already. Or maybe that was me. She scampers off, and as she goes, the camera follows to pan down into the birdbath. Not Cho peers malevolently from beneath the water's surface.
Manor kitchen. Rose adds to my migraine by shouting her way through the ingredients of the potion she's half-heartedly mixing. She's up to "POWDERED TOADSTOOL -- BAM," if you must know. Enter the Dolt, and the evening just got that much worse. They "banter" about what she's doing. She bitches some more about being stuck in the kitchen, cooking, while Phoebe gets to kick demonic ass of the tantalizing sort. The Dolt becomes the third person tonight to lecture Rose on patience and the need to hone all of her skills and blah. She snots back that she wants an active power like levitation, right. Now! Levitation is an active power? Since when? Not to mention that she's already got the telekinesis and the orbing and the healing. She should want to blow shit up like Piper. Then again, if she wanted to trade places with Piper, we wouldn't have the joy that is Alyssa Milano for most of the forty minutes. Except, you know, replace "joy" with "unending torment of the infinite pits of Hell." The Dolt, retrieving some bottled water from the fridge, reminds her that as one who is half-Whitelighter, she's also "half-pacifist" and as a result may never develop such mad fighting skillz as Piper and Phoebe possess. He dolts out on that cheery note, leaving Rose to simmer in resentment. She mutters on and on about wanting to know "just once what it's like to be Phoebe and kick some serious ass" as she tosses a final ingredient into the bubbling pot on the stove. The white powder causes the mixture to explode, and Rose is enveloped in a cloud of steam and smoke. Did I just use "white powder" and "enveloped" in the same sentence? I'm so naughty. Not. Rose drops to the floor in slow motion, and once there, she glows up in a golden tint. The glowy tint detaches and seeps through the floor to the basement below. Downstairs, Phoebe sends her sword clattering to the cement as she, too, drops in slow-motion. The Glowy Tint Of Rose trades places with The Glowy Tint Of Phoebe as Cole turns his back on them all momentarily. The transfer of Glowy Tints complete, Phoebe reawakens, if indeed she was ever unconscious. It's so hard to tell with her.
You know, I wish I could dignify the Freaky Friday rip-off that follows with appropriate character names along the lines of Fuffy/Baith and Marcel/Angus, but there is never a moment when Alyssa Milano as Paige-in-Phoebe convinces me she's accurately portraying Rose McGowan as Paige. (Though now that I think about welding together names, Raige is pretty good for Rose until I get used to the horrible name they gave her character.) Rose does a marginally better job as Phoebe, but this is mainly due to her simply dropping the neophyte act and amping up the anger. As a result, we'll be going with Alyssa for Alyssa and Rose for Rose. Any objections? Too bad. I'm doing it anyway.
“ I can understand the need to keep Piper out of the loop on this whole thing because you know she'd just turn into a raging bitch about it, but lying to Cole? To what end? Anyway, lie they do, because some idiot in the writers' room decided it would be entertaining, rather than irritating. And stupid. ”
So, Alyssa wakes up, bugs her eyes out, and breathily intones in that rash-inducing baby-talk manner of hers, "How did I get down here?" Cole approaches with the dropped sword, causing Alyssa to scurry behind the punching bag in fear. She pants. She hoots. She gazes at her tits. She checks the color of her ponytail. She bounds up the stairs to the kitchen. Cole-san is displeased. Upstairs, Rose is waking up herself, staggering to her feet while gripping the island counter. The gals quickly determine the nature of the problem. Rose is pissed. Alyssa is a moron. Rose agrees not to tell Piper of the potion-mixing accident. Alyssa pouts. Rose tells her to "wipe that look off my face." Alyssa yanks her shirt away from her body to gaze once more at her tits. "God, this top is tight." Rose says something about tight tops equaling killer looks before Cole-san thankfully emerges from the basement. He's pulled on a white, hoodless, zippered sweatshirt, and damn. Boy is fine. A non-comic conversation of mistaken identities ensues, and it makes absolutely no sense at all. I can understand the need to keep Piper out of the loop on this whole thing because you know she'd just turn into a raging bitch about it, but lying to Cole? To what end? Anyway, lie they do, because some idiot in the writers' room decided it would be entertaining, rather than irritating. And stupid. Rose tells Cole that Alyssa can't continue with the training that afternoon. Cole guilts Alyssa, and by extension Rose, about her lack of resolve for a little while, then squiggles out. "If we don't fix this soon, I am going to perm your hair," Rose seethes. Alyssa bites her lower lip and does her best impersonation of a retarded six-year-old.
Chinatown. Piper enters the den of her herb dealer, who, by the most amazing coincidence, is the very same Master Kwan of Dragon Blade fame. Phag bickers with the counterman, also known as Son Of Kwan. Seems the good Master is out of town at the moment. Son Of Kwan runs the show in his father's absence, and will not comply with Phag's request for the Dragon Blade -- a "family heirloom" they keep in a frame high up on the wall of the shop. Phag presents him with the note Gold-Tooth Charlie penned for the Master, but Son Of Kwan doesn't read Chinese. Piper interrupts all of this to ask for "a sprig of wormwood." Phag shoots Son Of Kwan a filthy look as he turns to take care of the Anglo dog. She then leaps onto the counter, pauses long enough to get reaction shots from Piper and Son, and springs up onto the wall to grab the Dragon Blade from its frame. She lands back on the counter and flies over Piper's head to crash out through the window. Understandably startled, Piper tosses her hands into the air, accidentally freezing the Son Of Kwan. Ignoring him, she exits the shop to follow Phag through an alley festooned with banners inked in Mandarin. Piper blows up some trash to get Phag's attention. "Who are you?" Phag demands as Gold-Tooth Charlie emerges from a darkened doorway to call her name. He steps past a puddle of alleyway grime, not noticing the leering mug of Not Cho in the water beneath his feet. Phag wags the purloined dagger at her father as Not Cho leaps up from the puddle with his blade drawn. He skewers Gold-Tooth Charlie while sliming at Phag, "I told you I was just getting started." Not Cho then vanishes back into the puddle with Phag's Pa, who remains shish-kebabbed on Not Cho's sword. Phag screams, "No!" as she runs towards them. Piper scuttles after her into the commercial break.
“ There is an abundance of beige papier-mch boulders with twigs and dried weeds popping out of them here and there. The drop cloth on the soundstage floor has been raked over with dirt and dead leaves. The diorama in the background is streaked with varying shades of brown. It's a low-tech nightmare, people. Gold-Tooth Charlie stands in the middle of all of this, strapped to a 'tree.' ”
Manor parlor, aftermath. Piper and Phag perch on a sofa, with the purloined dagger on the coffee table in front of them. Phag fills Piper in on the backstory, adding that Not Cho overcame the injury she earlier inflicted by using his knowledge of the Mystical Ways Of Whatever to escape to "a place where souls pass on their way to reincarnation. The mystical region between life and death." "Limbo," the Dolt helpfully defines from his seat on another couch. "Metaphysical and magical laws are amplified in Limbo," he explains. "As long as he stays there his wound will never advance. He can literally cheat death forever." Oh, the pain. I could rant about how wrong it is to define Limbo in this manner. I could rant further about what the Second Vatican Council had to say on the topic. I could even crack wise about unbaptized infants and the righteous of other faiths, but you know what? I want to make it through this shit-pile car-wreck of an episode with my sanity and relative youth intact, so we're just going to play along. The purpose of the purloined dagger is to capture Not Cho's soul, thereby depriving him of his ability to wreak havoc on the planet with his perversion of the Mystical Ways Of Whatever. By absconding with Gold-Tooth Charlie to Limbo, Not Cho seeks to punish Phag's Pa by preventing his soul from ever being reborn. As long as Charlie's body remains there, his soul remains trapped. I think I got everything. Oh, wait: Not Cho can use "any surface of water as a portal," but he can't stay in this world for extended periods of time, as that would allow his wounds to advance to the point where they kill him. Everyone got that? Christ, this is tedious. Piper rises to her feet to summon Alyssa and Rose from the kitchen. Upon entering the parlor, they are introduced to Phag. Alyssa makes with the "Hi! I'm Paige! Oops! I mean, hi! I'm Phoebe!" B.S. that is so very not enjoyable. Piper, Phag, and the Dolt glance uneasily at each other. Piper decides Phoebe is simply being her usual low-wattage self and instructs the two to ensure that the leaky water valve in the basement is blocked, then heads to the attic to consult the Book of Shadows on other possible entries into Limbo.
Speaking of the nonexistent metaphysical realm, the camera cuts to a shot of thunderheads and proceeds to dive right into them. Below, we discover a sound stage that the folks on the boards so accurately described as a thirty-five-year-old relic from the original Star Trek series. There is an abundance of beige papier-mch boulders with twigs and dried weeds popping out of them here and there. The drop cloth on the soundstage floor has been raked over with dirt and dead leaves. The diorama in the background is streaked with varying shades of brown. It's a low-tech nightmare, people. Gold-Tooth Charlie stands in the middle of all of this, strapped to a "tree." Not Cho circles him, taunting. Presently, we are introduced to a "swirling," "sucking" "vortex" in a "wall" that is identified as The Portal Into The Life. Gold-Tooth Charlie tells Not Cho that his soul will be dry-cleaned of all Eeevil should he pass through this Portal. "You can start life fresh." "Yeah," Not Cho shoots back, "as a tapeworm." Oh, so they're dragging karma through the mud along with everything else this evening. Just remember, Kern: Payback's a bitch. Not Cho reveals his dastardly plan. Now that he knows he can trap Phag's Pa in Limbo forever, he has taken it upon himself to rid the world of all "Zen masters." "All their wisdom and magic lost forever in Limbo. Now that's [Eeevil]," he sneers. Gold-Tooth Charlie changes the subject, wondering how Not Cho managed first to enter and then to escape the surrounding nonexistent metaphysical realm. Not Cho reminds him of the traveling-through-water thing and duhs something about clouds being nothing more than vast pools of wet stuff. He rises into the air, cutting the conversation short. He promises to find and kill Phag, then vanishes upwards into the mist.