After the talkiness of last week's two-hour season premiere, tonight's episode starts promisingly enough with the Halliwell SUV tearing through a random neighborhood somewhere in the city. Inside, Cole's at the wheel, Piper's playing navigator while riding shotgun, and Phoebe busies herself in the backseat by whooping and hooting and yodeling every time Cole turns a corner. "Turn left up here," Piper instructs, "and could you step on the gas?" Cole shoots her a dirty look, but complies. He nearly plows the SUV into a yellow cab in the process, eliciting more whooping, hooting, and yodeling from Feebs. "Off the gas! Off the gas!" she yells, batting Cole on his shoulder. He tells her to shut it and let him drive. Atta boy. Piper snaps something about "the demon" not waiting for them to arrive to "vanquish him." Phoebe gets fresh with the exposition. Piper's been "scrying" for demons all week, and while they've vanquished all the ones they've encountered thus far, this is primarily thanks to Cole and his dexterous delivery of Flaming Balls Of Death at the appropriate moments. "Two witches and a half a demon does not [sic] the Power of Three make," Phoebe reminds her. And Rose has been -- where? No, that's all right. Take your time getting to that explanation. I'm not going anywhere any time soon. Why, no -- I don't have a life. And screw you very much for asking.
Piper and Cole each get a hand down Exposition's pants to cop a feel. Piper explains that since the dark demonic forces sent from the flaming maw of Hell are going to target the sisters sooner or later anyway, it's best to be proactive. Cole reminds them both that The Source is now on their collective tail as well. Phoebe takes this opportunity to bleat a bit about the need to further Rose's education in the craft. Piper's all, "Screw Rose," which I take to be our explanation for Rose's absence on the recent demon hunts. Piper still has issues with the new sister, apparently. Don't worry -- those issues will be spelled out in excruciating detail before the evening is over. Cole snidely asides to Piper about whether she's gotten any better at distinguishing between blowing things up and freezing them. She shoots back something about "field practice" being the best way to refine her powers, and orders him to hang a right. Cole shoots down a ramp I recognize from one of the Naked Gun movies. You know, the one where John Houseman is a driving instructor: "All right, Stephanie, extend your left hand. Now extend your middle finger." My sentiments exactly. Anyway, back to the episode in progress. They barrel around a few more corners before screeching to a halt in an alleyway. Therein, they discover a bald-headed meanie with unfortunate facial hair menacing a doof in a flannel shirt, and no, the doof is not the Dolt. The trio leaps from the SUV as Piper cracks wise, drawing the meanie's attention. He releases the doof while turning to make a couple of threatening, panty grunts at her. His eyes roll back into his skull, and the whites bleed into a fire-engine red. This effect was put to better use last week, and they'd best be advised to use it more sparingly in the future, or I will smack them. Don't think I won't. Piper tosses her signature gesture his way. The meanie's skin glows red and puffy as smoke wafts out around his collar. "He's gonna blow," Cole shouts as he and Phoebe retreat to the car's interior. There's a shot of the meanie dissolving into an explosive spray of green goop. The camera cuts back to the SUV. Pause. SPLAT. Pause. Cole flips on the wipers. Snicker. Piper reenters the car with a toothy grin and a bright, "!" Cole and Phoebe goggle as we cut to the credits.
"I am the son, I am the heir." Yes, the song is back, but Shannen is nowhere to be found. They did insert a very pretty shot of the Golden Gate Bridge swathed in fog, though, so, you know, there's that. Not.
Some ovary whines, "Who am I?" under the opening San Francisco travelogue, so you know we're bound to end up at SOUTH BAY SOCIAL SERVICES sooner or later, sooner being the case this evening. In her cubicle, Rose, rather than actually working, reads in a voice-over from a paperback entitled Witches & Witchcraft. "Throughout history, witches have been misunderstood, persecuted, and destroyed. The public hanging, drowning, and burning of women suspected of witchcraft is a far more recent chapter of our history than most people realize." And thank you for that, Stoopy McMoron. You never read The Crucible or something? She's interrupted by her boss, who wants to know, "What's the hold-up on the O'Brien application?" Rose blathers an excuse that really isn't, and he demands that she have it on his desk "by noon." They really need to knock it off with the whole noting specific hours of the day and deadlines thing in these scripts, because it always ends in tears. My tears of frustration at the resulting inaccuracies in the time frame, mind you, but tears nonetheless. Rose swivels in her seat to hiss at a co-worker. "Lila! What's the O'Brien application?" Lila, a grunge chick ten years after the fact, clues Rose in on "Adam O'Brien -- the foster kid [they're] trying to get into boarding school." The deadline for the application is close of business that very day. Rose curses her stupidity. No comment. Yet.
The mailboy, a retiring lad with a marked overbite and severe acne, arrives at that moment to toss a couple of letters onto Rose's desk. "Aw, Billy, I told you to throw anything from creditors into the trash." Billy the Acned shoots a series of snorting goofball guffaws through his nose. Yet another co-worker of Rose's approaches to slime, "Hey, Pizzaface?" Billy the Acned stops snorting. "Look, I know it's difficult to tear yourself away from the cleavage in this section," this miscreant in a two-piece suit continues, pausing to toss a withering leer Rose's way, "but I need my mail some time today, 'kay?" Billy dejectedly plods off. The creep leers once more at Rose -- who, in her defense, is wearing a high-necked blouse in this sequence -- then oozes his way over to the Xerox machine. Rose watches him go with a look of disgust in her eyes. "Nice rug," she mutters to herself. Said rug immediately orbs off of the bastard's head into her hand. Rose gasps! "What the hell?" shouts the smug bastard. Should I? Okay: Yes, Smug Bastard. Exactly. Rose hastily disposes of the hairpiece in her wastebasket; the smug bastard scuttles back to his office in shame amid the derisive hoots of various bleach-blonde secretarial types.
Manor. Up in the attic, Piper uses a red Sharpie to draw a thick X in the Book of Shadows over the image of the meanie from the pre-credits sequence. Phoebe watches in slack-jawed horror, then pouts, "Oh, I know that you're happy we got him, Piper, but is it totally necessary to disfigure the Book?" First off, O Feeble One, you did the same damn thing last season with your addenda to the Colethazor's entry, and secondly, where the hell is my check for that line? You totally ripped it off from my recap for "Look Who's Barking." Bitch. Well, at the very least, you ripped off the sense of outrage underpinning the line from my recap. Oh, hell, I'll just take it as a complete shout-out to me and the site and call it a day. Piper ignores both Phoebe and me to note, "This one could incinerate human flesh with his eyes. That must sting." Cole fails to see the humor in the situation. Piper could have gotten herself killed. She could have endangered Phoebe. She could have exposed Cole. "There's a legion of bounty hunters on my [tantalizing] ass," he reminds her as I scream along with the Globey and Chairy and the rest of the furniture. He should be "laying low" because of this, but can't. "If you insist on taking these suicide missions," he continues, his voice rising in anger, "you force me to be there because there is no way in hell I'm going to let Phoebe lose another sister!" Phoebe darts to his side and, in an attempt to defuse the situation, asks him to answer the doorbell, which has rung in the background during his rant. "If it's The Source," he snarks as he turns on his heel, "I'll just ask him to come back later." He leaves, shutting the door behind him.
Phoebe cautiously approaches Piper, who's been flipping through the BoS in search of other demons during the exchange. Phoebe tells her they already have a "system" in place for fighting demons. Piper hoists up Prue's death as "a pretty big glitch in the system," and bitches Phoebe out for not getting her back on her new system of "getting a little proactive." Phoebe allows that they have a right to be angry at Prue's death, but insists they should not allow that anger to blind their better judgment. "We're not ready to get a little proactive," she asserts. "Just dealing with our normal, everyday lives is hard enough." Piper counters that getting back to said "normal, everyday lives" is her ultimate goal. Seek out and destroy every demon in the Book, goes the plan. Then they won't have to worry about things like destiny and the Elders and the Power of Three ever again. Thus, the central conflict for the evening's episode is established. Rose enters in an alarmingly short denim skirt, for it was she and her skirt who rang the bell moments ago. Piper gets this look on her face like someone neglected to flush the toilet, but remains silent. Rose apologizes for stopping by unannounced. Phoebe tells her not to worry about it, and invites Rose into the inner sanctum. Rose is having a problem keeping her newfound abilities to herself. Phoebe sympathizes, noting that the whole sisterhood thing is useful when outside friendships become strained due to such secrets. Piper has crossed to a mounted map of the city, which she picks up along with her trusty scrying crystal. "It's a little chatty up here," she snots. "I'm going to go scry for [Eeevil] in my room." "Scry?" Rose wonders as Piper passes by with barely a glance in her direction. "Phoebe'll explain," Piper tosses over her shoulder as she exits. Rose turns back to Phoebe, all "What crawled up her ass and exploded?" Get used to it, Rose. Piper's always that way.
Phoebe defines scrying as "a supernatural Lo-Jack." Rose wonders why they don't just consult the BoS. "It is a book of spells, right?" she asks as she crosses to the Book's pedestal. Phoebe gets all damp as she notes, "It's so much more than that." Phoebe mentions the Book's storied history and its meaning to the family and how it can protect itself from Eeevil with magic and whatnot. Rose asks if she can examine it on her own. Phoebe's down with that, but forbids Rose from removing it from the Manor. Rose is free to page through it there, in the attic, while Phoebe heads downstairs to talk to Cole. Rose glows with the incipient warmth of her place in the eternal sisterhood of womyn and blah, then finds the following "Instant Karma" spell:
To make a demon feel the pain he inflicts.
Let Cruelty, Pain,
And Evil Ways
Follow this Villain
Through all his Days.
Reverse the Torment
He creates
To turn on him
A crueler Fate.
"This could solve a lot of problems," she smirks, and digs through her bag for a pad of Post-Its and a pen. As she scribbles out a copy of the spell, the scene shifts to the sun porch below. The Dolt orbs in with an exasperated "What? What is it? What's wrong?" which he shoots at the waiting duo of Phoebe and Cole. "You've got to talk to your wife," Cole spits, and while I'm aware he was born around the time of the Great Chicago Fire, that still sounds unnecessarily condescending in an "all women are chattel" way, like, what the hell is the Dolt going to accomplish as far as Piper is concerned that Phoebe and Cole can't on their own? So, uh, shut up, Cole. And damn the writer who made me say that. Anyway, Phoebe and Cole manhandle and maul the exposition in an effort to get the Dolt up to speed on Piper's behavior as of late. If they're not careful, the exposition is going to slap them all with a harassment lawsuit, and I would have no problem testifying on the plaintiff's behalf. This is getting perverse. The Dolt, upon hearing of Piper's unusual anger, defends her right to be angry in the wake of her sister's death. Phoebe allows she wouldn't have so much of a problem were Piper acting out by "punching walls." The Dolt: "Huhnh?" Cole clarifies, "She prefers to punch demons." The Dolt promises to chat with the afflicted P. Cole clarifies further: "She has no regard for her life or anyone else's. She's Charles Bronson. Cubed." Feebs: "Who is Charles Bronson?" The Dolt gives Cole a "what's with the moron you're dating?" look, which Cole counters with a "say one thing about the little lady and you'll be singing soprano, dillweed" glare of his own. Snerk.
Phoebe asks for a moment alone with the Dolt. Cole relents and heads off to the kitchen for a beer or something. Phoebe stresses that Piper's anger isn't the only issue; she's also been "completely dismissive of Paige." Who? Oh -- Rose. I still hate the character's name. As the two cross to sink into a sofa, they blather about Phoebe's altered role in the new family dynamic developing around her. Long used to being the family "screw-up," she's finding it difficult to adapt to the role of "mediator." She understands for the first time how difficult Piper had it when Phoebe and Prue were constantly at each other's throats, while I wonder how the writer managed to sneak that reference to real-life bickering and catfights past Alyssa's addled little mind and into the script. The Dolt promises again to have a word with Piper, and the two hug. Phoebe suggests the Dolt get to it right away, as Piper's up in her boudoir scrying at that very moment. The Dolt orbs out in mid-hug, causing Phoebe to plow Fun Bags first into the cushions. "I didn't mean you couldn't use the stairs," she bellows. Ha. Hee. Not.
Up in the attic, Rose has scribbled out copies of about eight different spells when she runs out of Post-Its. She grimaces, then stumbles upon a cunning plan. She lifts the Book from its pedestal and totes it over to the windows. "Okay, Book, protect yourself," she orders before dropping it to the lawn below. Oh, that's smart. Rose hears Phoebe heading up the stairs and leaps out onto the landing before Phoebe can enter the room. "Where's the fire?" asks Phoebe. "Well, you know, lunch break's over," Rose lames. For her employment security's sake, I certainly hope she got the O'Brien application on her boss's desk before she left. Something tells me the boss is going to forget about that, though. Phoebe's dismayed the two didn't get a chance to bond, like, how much bonding can be accomplished in ten minutes anyway, but invites Rose back that evening. Rose agrees to do just that, and scurries out of the Manor.
Meanwhile, over in the bridal boudoir, the Dolt attempts to reason with the wife. The wife's having none of it. "Whitelighters are supposed to guide, not judge," she snorts. "Just because I'm doing things a little bit differently doesn't mean that there's a problem." She flings the scrying crystal to the map in irritation. The Dolt insists he's merely trying to talk through the pros and cons of her recent behavior. She's had it. "It hurts. To talk. [Dolt]," she fumes, on the verge of tears. "It hurts. To breathe. So unless you have some idea how to bring Prue back, I don't want to talk right now." The Dolt psychobabbles about Piper still blaming him for Prue's death, but when Piper places the blame not on him but rather on Eeevil, he psychobabbles some more about her need to drop this strong and silent act of hers and confront her emotions, and he's right, but he's such an overbearing twit about the whole thing that I still want to smack him in the teeth. Piper ignores him and returns to her scrying. The crystal slams down on a city intersection, and she runs out past him with, "I have work to do."
SOUTH BAY SOCIAL SERVICES. Rose wiggles her ass around in the copier room while futzing with the paper tray. The Smug Bastard enters from behind (not like that. Ew) to leer, "Nothing like a copy room with a view." Aw. He's so two-dimensional and irritating. I hope he gets to stay. Not. Billy the Egregiously Acned enters. "Hey, Clearasil. What's popping?" the Bastard jerks before leaving with a fresh cup of coffee. Like this guy's behavior in a social services setting -- or any office setting, for that matter -- would not have become one great big actionable offense and they wouldn't have fired his ass by now. Then again, Rose does absolutely nothing but bitch at her boss, blow application deadlines for clients, and bail in the middle of the day to run personal errands, and she still has her job. Why do I get the sneaking suspicion the writers favor Gee Duh's proposed Federal "faith-based" aid initiative? And do not even bother with the snippy e-mail, Ari. This is still a free country. I'm just glad your dimwit of a boss has all of Daddy's friends from the 1980s around to help him muddle through the current crisis. Anyway, Billy the Acned looks a little upset. Rose commiserates, "He's a jerk to everybody." "I know," Billy adenoids. "That's why his mail gets lost. Frequently." The two snorf over that before Rose asks if the Xerox is on the fritz. "I keep trying to copy, but it keeps coming out blank." We discover why almost immediately. She's trying to photocopy the BoS, and the BoS does not take kindly to such actions. Billy doofily offers to copy the Book for her in a way that screams "unrequited crush." Rose thanks him, telling him he's "sweet." He snorts forlornly through his nose and slumps over to the coffee machine. Rose, taking pity upon the Egregiously Acned, flips through the Book for the following "Vanishing Spell":
Let the Object of Objection
Become but a Dream
As I cause the Seen
To be Unseen.
The Egregiously Acned groans and leans down over the counter. Rose asks if he's okay. He claims he "got a little head rush," then turns to face her. The Acne Be Gone worked like a charm. Get it? Sorry. Rose is totally stoked. Billy, to the credit of whomever was responsible for this, did not morph magically into Prince Charming. He's still a bit of a dork with a pronounced overbite and a cheap tie, but the skin problem he had has cleared. Rose oh-my-Gods for a moment, then kisses him playfully on the cheek as she leaves the room. Billy spontaneously combusts. Not, you know, literally, but it's clear he's unused to female affection and desperately appreciates the attention.
In some random alley somewhere in the city, Piper strides purposefully towards the locked receiving doors of an abandoned warehouse. Phoebe and Cole trail behind her, with Phoebe avowing her disapproval. She warns Piper that if she insists on pursuing her current plan of action, she's on her own. Shyeah. Pull the other one, Feebs. Piper, calling the bluff, sallies forward. The three draw themselves up short when they smell something burning. Piper catches sight of a thin veil of smoke drifting out from beneath the locked doors as sounds of a struggle inside reach their ears. Cole moves to investigate, but Piper orders him back. He eases back a step or two before Piper, in an attempt to blow open the warehouse, freezes both the doors and Cole instead. "Crap!" Piper snits as she rips off her jacket to roll up her sleeves for another try. She shakes it out for a bit, then flings her open palms at the door. They immediately explode outwards in slicing shards of wood, knocking Cole end over end past an abandoned car. Phoebe rushes to his side as a moany gent in a poncho dashes out of the warehouse past Piper, body-slamming her into a Dumpster. At that moment, a trio of scantily-clad women lopes out of the warehouse after the moany gent. The gang on the boards collectively began to sing "I'm a survivor!" when this scene hit the screen, but these white girls are too low-rent to be Destiny's Child wannabes. And "too low-rent" is saying a lot. There's an Amazonian blonde, accompanied by a shorter redhead and a tiny brunette. Why did I waste the Andrews Sisters on the Triad last season? Brad Kern is doing this to mock me. Anyway, of the three, only the brunette's hair appears to be real. They each wear magenta and burgundy scraps of fabric that for the moment are passing as bras and micromini wrap-around skirts. Their hands are manly and misshapen with thick claws for fingernails, which makes me think the blonde might actually be a drag queen. Piper attempts to blow them up in defiance of Cole's shouted order to leave them alone, but succeeds only in vanquishing the Dodge Aries further down the alley. The trio turns to sneer at Piper in displeasure from beneath a pound each of liquid mascara that's been applied in various patterns on their faces to suggest some sort of tribal tattooing. Piper then tosses a freeze that affects Cole alone. "Uh oh," she stutters. "Th-th-th-they're immune to my powers." The trio moves to attack. The blonde takes on Piper, her claws slashing through a metal garbage can lid Piper has raised before her as a shield. The redhead whales on Phoebe, who levitates in response, dealing head-snapping kicks to the redhead and the brunette. Cole unfreezes of his own accord just as the blonde flips Piper over her shoulder to the ground. Before Cole can act, the blonde exhales a stream of smoke into Piper's panting mouth. Cole nails the blonde with an FBOD, and she silently blazes down to Hell. The redhead and the brunette rise to their feet to vanish into down-drafting pillars of smoke and ash that are uncomfortably reminiscent of two other down-drafting pillars of smoke and ash I could mention. Piper hacks and blinks our way out into commercial.
Manor. Aftermath. Cole and Phoebe enter the main hall following Piper, who promises, "I am going to take out those chain-smoking bitches if it's the last thing I do." I light a cigarette as Cole warns darkly that it might indeed be the last thing she does. Piper trundles into the kitchen, bitching all the way about the lack of support she's receiving from the two. "Whose side are you on? Why are we arguing?" Phoebe terms it a discussion, not an argument, and notes that Piper's been injured. She hasn't stopped coughing since the encounter with said chain-smoking bitches. Cole points to Piper's lack of control over her powers as another symptom of her injury. Phoebe reminds him that "heightened emotions" affect their powers in unpredictable ways, and thinks that might be Piper's real problem. Piper, who's marched out of the kitchen towards the stairs during all of this, ignores Phoebe's interpretation of events to tell Cole, "I'm going to vanquish the Cancer Girls with or without your help, so either tell us what you know or get out of the way." Cole sighs, then dumps all over everybody with the backstory. The Cancer Gals are, in fact, Furies. As they "lack temperance," they punish both evil and Eeevil indiscriminately, attacking human shoplifters and demonic murderers with equal homicidal zeal. "They take great pleasure in the kill," he adds. Piper tops him with, "Then I will take great pleasure in the vanquish." Uh. Oh. We all know where this is going, right? Good. I mean, since they're recycling the plot from the very same episode whose recap received a shout-out earlier this evening, it's probably for the best if we're all on the same page.
Piper scoots up the staircase to consult the BoS while Phoebe lingers to have a little heart-to-heart with Cole. She correctly guesses that the Furies have attacked Cole in the past. He elaborates on their powers. When they go after a bad guy, they force said bad guy to "hear the screams of all his victims." Yeah, I know. How painful could it be for a shoplifter to hear the disinterested "inventory's off" mutterings of a minimum-wage manager at Fashion Bug? Just go with it. Phoebe reassures Cole that he's safe against the power of the Furies, as he's "not the same demon who did those things anymore." Stuff a sock in it, Phoebe. And I'm not talking about your brassiere. Piper's ululating howl of dismay breaks short the "tender" moment, and Phoebe eye-rolls her way to the attic with Cole. Upstairs, Piper stands frozen before the vacant pedestal of the BoS. "Evil stole the Book of Shadows," she rages once the others have joined her. "How did evil steal the Book of Shadows?" "Uh, Piper," Phoebe begins, "promise me you won't overreact." Here's a five, Feebs. Buy a clue. Feebs finds it "feasible" that Rose "borrowed" the Book. Piper's bitch ramps quickly up to about thirteen. "Why did you leave her ALONE with it?" "Because she's our sister," is Phoebe's weak response. "NOT for LONG," Piper clenches, and storms out of the room. Phoebe gives chase as Cole casually flips a chair around and takes a seat. Phoebe's unfettered Fun Bags jostle back into the room. "Are you coming?" "To vanquish your sister?" Cole asks. "No thanks. I think I'll sit this one out." Snort. Phoebe absently jiggles back out.
THAT PLACE WHERE ROSE DOES VERY LITTLE WORK. The Grunge Queen peers at Billy the Clear's complexion. "It's a miracle." "Maybe it was the light from the copy machine," Billy dorks, slowly nodding his head up and down. Snicker. "It's amazing," Lila continues. "I mean, you went and got cute." "Ya think?" he asks as he eases his mail cart through the cubicles. "Totally," Lila agrees. "And then my car loan comes through. And my credit rating is worse than Paige's." This last comes as they pass the lady in question, who smiles all pleased with herself. The smile quickly fades as she returns to the conversation she's been having on the phone regarding the tardy O'Brien application. She tries in vain to get an extension, and so resorts to magic. She recites the following spell "To Promote Compromise" from the BoS in her lap:
These words will travel through the Minds
Of stubborn parties and unbind
The thoughts too rigid to be kind.
A compromise they'll dis-entwine.
"Dis-entwine"? A compromise? Whatever. Rose gets her extension. Lila gushes over this latest bit of good news, and wonders if "there's something in the stars" making it all happen. Rose feigns ignorance, but promises to "call [her] student loan sharks to take advantage of it." The Grunge Queen finds this an excellent idea, and dashes off to make a couple of calls on her own, like, hi? Abused, homeless foster children ring any bells with you people? You know, your clients? The Smug Bastard takes advantage of the mood to ooze to Rose something about being a lawyer and getting her creditors off her back for her and if she can't pay him in cash he can "take it out in trade" and just vanquish his slimy ass already. Rose doesn't listen to me, choosing instead to threaten a harassment lawsuit if he doesn't back the hell off. The Bastard's response to this threat? "The way you dress? The judge would admire my restraint." ENOUGH ALREADY. Why? BECAUSE I GET IT. He walks away. Rose, having now reached the realm of last straws and quadriplegic dromedaries, retrieves the "Instant Karma" spell from the BoS. "Perfect," she announces. "I'll just change 'demon' to 'dirtbag.'" One problem, sweetpea. The spell specifies a "villain," not a "demon." Not seeing how changing a word in the instructions will alter the spell to suit your current needs.
Out on the street, Piper and Phoebe have arrived in the SUV. Piper's bitch now hovers around seventeen on the scale. That scale being one to ten, you realize. Phoebe notes that Piper hasn't "stopped ranting" since they left the Manor. Piper agrees to tone it down, then immediately breaks that promise. As they approach the front doors, Phoebe reminds her that Rose is an ally, not an enemy. Borrowing the Book was a simple mistake. They haven't impressed fully upon Rose the importance of keeping it in the attic. Piper hacks some more. As they hit the front walkway, the Smug Bastard comes flying out of the office, with a crowd of about twenty women leaping after him in an attempt to rip off his clothes. I'd find this mildly amusing, I'm sure, if the lead up hadn't been so ham-fisted. The crowd frenzies its way to the middle of the parking lot as Rose sneaks out behind it with her arms crossed tightly against her chest. Phoebe and Piper intercept her. "You are so --" Piper starts forcefully. Her sentence ends as a question when Rose drops her arms to her sides to reveal her brand-new triple-D Pamelas. "Busted?" Ba-dump-bump. Piper Halliwell, ladies and germs. Hey, anyone here from Queens? Yeah, well, she's from normal parents, herself. Piper accuses Rose of using the BoS to "perform magical plastic surgery" on herself. Rose claims that's not the case. When she recited the Instant Karma, not only did the pack of she-wolves attack the Bastard, she also suddenly found herself with an amazing rack of Pamelas as well. Piper pauses a moment to freeze the wolfpack before returning to the issue at, er, hand. This draws a shout of protest from Phoebe, as Piper could very well have blown the crowd to bits. Piper tells Phoebe to cram it. After dragging out the relevant facts from Rose, they determine that the Karma is to blame. Rose made the Bastard "the object of ogling," Phoebe explains, and the spell "backfired" to do the same to Rose. Get it? Instant karma? Okay, I'll shut up. Piper bitches a bit, but Phoebe cuts this short with a plan of action. Piper is to get the Dolt to orb the Bastard back to the Manor. Phoebe and Rose will meet them there with the Book. The Tooting Oboe Of Massive Hooters boots us into the scene.
Rose and Phoebe tool down the road in Rose's newfangled VW Beetle. Don't ask me how she could finagle a new car if her credit's so poor. The Beetle's a manual transmission (yeah, you thought I was going to say "stick shift"), and Rose is having trouble reaching around her Pamelas to change gears. Enormous hooters equal comedy gold, people. Well, Brad Kern seems to think so, at any rate. Rose frets that Piper will never forgive her transgression. Phoebe insists that Piper will come around to her senses once her current mood has passed. Phoebe stumbles across the BoS entry on Furies, and does not like what she finds there. She deduces what we've known since the last commercial break. Piper has been infected with the smoke from the Cancer Gals. The Fury's smoke kills the guilty but converts witches, just like -- all together now -- the scream of the Banshee did last season. Rose, confused: "Are you saying that Piper is turning into a demon?" "It wouldn't be the first time," Phoebe admits, and helps Rose shift up to fourth.
Manor parlor. Piper flips the Smug Bastard onto the sofa. The Dolt tells her to ease off on the innocent, and she tells him to shove it with the empathy. From the couch, the Smug Bastard demands to know what's going on. Unfortunately for him, he does so by asking, "What's with the chicks? They've gone crazy." Piper overenunciates her response: "This chick just saved your ass, you sniveling ingrate." The Bastard rises to his feet to appeal to the Dolt's presumed sense of chauvinism. Piper slams him across the room. The Dolt is disturbed. "Honey, I don't know what's going on with you, but we need to talk." Shut up, Dolt. Oh, look at that. Piper says it for me. "You know what?" she sneers. "I'm sick of talking." Piper blows up the Dolt. Hooray! Sadly, he simply dissolves into a cloud of orbs that reassembles itself in Dolt form a few feet away. Piper stalks over to the Bastard, with the Dolt ordering her not to "use [her] powers on a mortal." Cole pops into the doorway to warn the Dolt to move away from Piper immediately. "She's turning into a Fury," he states. Yeah, we know, Cole. For benefit of the learning disabled in the audience, we get a shot of Piper unclenching a fist to reveal a killer manicure. The Dolt urges her to "fight this." She responds by tenderly stroking his cheek, then flipping him forcefully over the couch. Hee! Piper uses her new claws to slash a series of wounds into the Bastard's chest. Cole casually prepares an FBOD. Piper leans in to the Bastard's face, a trail of smoke emerging from her mouth. Cole nails her with the FBOD. Apparently it was set on stun, as Piper is merely knocked against the wall and not sent blazing merrily down to Hell. Phoebe, the Fun Bags, Rose, and the Pamelas enter the parlor with the BoS in time to hear Piper pout, "That wasn't very nice." Then Piper vanishes into a down-drafting pillar of smoke and ash. Reaction gapes from Phoebe, Cole, and Rose take us to commercial.
Back in the parlor, Phoebe pages through the Book while the Dolt tends to the unconscious Bastard on the couch. The Dolt whines about the "low-voltage" FBOD Cole tossed into the wife. Rose, pacing behind the couch with the Pamelas, blames herself for the current situation. The Dolt whines about Rose absconding with the BoS. Phoebe tells him to shut up and focus on the Bastard's wounds. Cole's been sent to ascertain Piper's whereabouts. Phoebe finally mentions the Banshee similarity, noting that Piper is likely to be on a manhunt right about now. "Banshee?" Rose asks, confused. Phoebe defines the term. "Demonic screamer, kinda trampy, feeds on pain." Sounds like my last boyfriend. Rose sinks into the sofa as the Bastard comes to. He rises into a slumped sitting position, his head practically buried in the Pamelas. "Whoa!" quoth the Bastard. Rose decks him. "Paige!" chides the Dolt. "What?" she asks. "You only said I couldn't use magic to punish him." Phoebe orders the Dolt to orb the again-unconscious Bastard back to THAT PLACE WHERE NO ONE GETS ANY WORK DONE AT ALL. She also instructs him to persuade the Bastard to keep his mouth shut about the whole thing. The Dolt kneels at the Bastard's side to orb away. Once they're gone, Rose worries about how Phoebe intends to save Piper. "I mean, she's a demon now." "No, she's not full-on," Phoebe replies. "She doesn't have the talons yet." Talons? Okay, sure. I'll go along with that. For now. Phoebe then waxes nostalgic for a moment about the time Piper turned into a wendigo. Didn't see it, have no clue what she's talking about. Rose starts to wonder about maybe coming up with a spell to prevent future demonic conversions and possessions, but as such a spell would drain about three-fourths of the plot ideas out of the writers' room, Phoebe quickly interrupts this train of thought to ask Rose what word she substituted for "demon" in the Karma. Once again, "demon" was not part of the spell, but who's asking me? Phoebe scribbles the revised spell onto a sheet of white paper and rises to her feet before a lit candle on the coffee table. Taking Rose's hand, she recites, "Guided spirits, hear our plea. Annul this magic -- let it be." Phoebe sets the paper on fire. Presently, the Pamelas disappear by sinking back into Rose's chest. Rose glances down at her vastly-diminished bosom, then asks, "Do you think it worked a little too well?" Shut up, Rose.
Random alley. A mugging is in progress, only to be interrupted by the arrival of the surviving Furies. One of them slices open the perp's back. Upon closer inspection, the Cancer Gals' hands are, indeed, three-clawed talons. Excellent. As the present victim flees, the perp moans as the wails of his victims amp up in his head. The brunette leans in, exhaling smoke into the perp's mouth. The perp screams and vanishes into a sheet of flame. Piper down-drafts in behind the brunette and the redhead. "I've been looking for you." DUN!
Manor dining room. Phoebe fruitlessly scries for Piper's presence. As Piper is technically no longer a witch, they can't find her. Cole squiggles into the sun porch, and the boy is not in good shape. Bloody scrapes bloom on his face, and his clothing is disheveled. "Every time I used my sensing powers," he explains as he collapses wearily into a chair, "the bounty hunters sensed me." Did everyone scream? Good. Phoebe proceeds to lose her shit. Rose finally breaks through to her with an idea. If Piper used a spell to find Rose, couldn't they revise that same spell to find Piper? As she used "dirtbag" for "demon," couldn't they use "sister" for "witch"? Phoebe doesn't think it will work. "The call of [Eeevil] is too strong," she explains. Piper wouldn't respond. Rose eyes Cole and suggests that they use the demonic boy toy as bait. If the Furies seek out Eeevildoers, doesn't he fit the bill? Phoebe's not having it. Cole, however, pronounces the plan "perfect." Phoebe frets. Cole has a century's worth of victims. If unleashed upon him by the Furies, their collective torment could kill him. He tells her to zip it. It's their only chance to save Piper. Phoebe at last reluctantly agrees with, "Well, we'll need some of your blood."
Rose calls out, "Knife," and a dagger from the sideboard orbs over into her hand. She passes it solemnly to Cole, and the scene cuts to the same dagger dangling over a lit candle. As a drop of the Colethazor falls into the flame, Phoebe and Rose recite, "Power of the sisters rise. Course unseen across the skies. Come to us who call you near. Come to us and settle here." The scene shifts to the Lair of the Cancer Gals. Piper stands between the brunette and the redhead, scantily clad in her very own bra and micromini. As the others slather her with liquid mascara, she hears Phoebe and Rose finish the spell in an echoey voice-over. "Blood to blood, I summon thee." "Blood to blood, return to me," Piper chants with her sisters. The camera swoops down to swirl around Piper. She turns to face the lens, whispering almost seductively, "I know where [Eeevil] dwells." Fade to black.
Manor. An overhead shot reveals Rose standing by a sofa in the hall with Phoebe off to one side as Cole paces the carpet. Rose lets out a series of delicate grunts as she flings her arms up and down. "Honey, what are you doing?" Phoebe asks. "I'm trying to do that orb thingy," she replies. "I can't seem to get the hang of it." Cole roars in her face. Rose immediately orbs out and back in again. Like I said on the boards, I think this is the beginnings of her version of astral projection, but I suppose we'll all have to wait and see. Cole calls it "a fear response." Phoebe tells Rose that until she learns to control it, it will only work when she's frightened. Rose doesn't think that will be a problem, given the current situation. Phoebe proposes they be prepared to "orb, levitate, or juggle knives" to keep the Furies away from Cole. Rose wonders again how they plan to de-Fury Piper. Phoebe suggests that it's a matter of "unexpressed rage." "Rage about what?" Duh. That little "Prue's Gone" plotline they're going to beat to death well before the fifth episode of the season. I guess these three didn't get the memo. Their natterings are interrupted by the howl of Cole's victims crashing down upon his poor little head. He screams and drops to his knees. Phoebe rushes to his side as Rose unexpectedly orbs out and in again. "They must be getting close," she guesses. You think?
Cole wails, "I'm so sorry," as he beats his fists against his temples. The redheaded Cancer Gal flings open the front door and stalks into the hallway. Phoebe rises up into the air and boots her in the head. A brief tussle ensues, and Rose calls out Phoebe's name. She turns in time to see Piper and the brunette down-draft into the hallway above Cole. Phoebe rises into the air again to deliver a couple of head-snapping kicks. Phoebe then struggles to get Cole onto his feet. Piper and the Cancer Gals circle in on their prey. Rose orbs a lamp into the redhead's back, which only makes the Gals that much more pissed off. As they advance on Rose, the redhead all of a sudden dissolves into flame. Cole pounded an FBOD into her back, and proceeds to eliminate the brunette the same way. Piper, not to be thwarted so easily, shreds Cole's shirt open with her Lee Press-Ons. Phoebe shouts, "Cole is not your problem, and you know it!" Piper apparently agrees, and attacks Phoebe. Snerk. Rose freaks and summons the BoS, which orbs over to her. The hell? Can they use their powers on the Book? Rose flips through the pages, searching in vain for an appropriate spell. Meanwhile, Piper is kicking the crap out of Phoebe. Cole threatens from the floor with an FBOD. Phoebe orders him to put it away. Addressing Piper, she states, "You think I abandoned you. You think it's my fault that Prue died." Piper backhands Phoebe into the same mirrored wardrobe she vanquished last week, then turns her attention to Rose. "You don't want to kill me, Piper," Rose splutters. "You don't even know me." Cole moves to collect Phoebe from the wardrobe wreckage as Rose continues, "This isn't about me, and it isn't about Phoebe, is it?" Phoebe yodels for the Dolt, who orbs into the hallway as Piper takes a swipe at Rose with the Press-Ons. Rose orbs out, reappearing at Piper's back. "Phoebe's not the sister who abandoned you," Rose babbles. "It's Prue, isn't it?" Piper clamps Rose in a choke hold. The Dolt strides over to the pair, wraps his arms around them, and orbs out. "Where'd he take them?" Cole asks. "To where Piper's really angry at," Phoebe replies, mangling the English language along the way.
Cut to a crypt that is not the Mausoleum's mausoleum. This one is too shiny and well-lit. The Dolt orbs in with Piper still at Rose's throat. Once she takes in her surroundings, however, Piper backs away from the others in stunned silence. Rose and the Dolt are revealed to be placed in front of Prue's tacky-looking nameplate, which is conveniently located at eye level. I don't know what's been up Piper's ass all night. Prue's the one with the legitimate complaint here. They couldn't spend a little more money on the damn thing? Anyway, Rose psychobabbles, "Tell her, Piper. It's all right to hate her." Piper shakes her head violently in dissent and claws at the crypt doors to open them. "You should hate her," Rose continues. "When my parents died, I hated them for it." That's healthy. Not. Piper pants and gasps and beats on the bronze. "I was alone," Rose states, "and I hated them. It's okay to hate Prue." Sorry, but I do have to pause here to note that if the demonic possession portion of this evening's presentation is a retread of "Look Who's Barking," and the enormous hooters section is a retread of the danger wrought by personal gain spells from "Morality Bites," then this whole misplaced-anger-during-a-time-of-grief thing is a retread of the lesson Death gave Prue in "Death Takes a Halliwell." There. I feel better now.
Piper finally whirls on her heel, abandoning the doors of the crypt to approach Rose. Her face twists in rage as she shouts, "How. DARE. YOU?" She then spins around and physically attacks Prue's plate on the wall. "How dare you leave me?" she screams, pounding with her fists. "How could you go and die and leave me here all alone?" The screams are rapidly diminishing into keening wails. "I need you," she continues, bursting into tears. "Please come back." The words emerge through shuddering sobs. Piper drops to the ground, shrieking one last time. A quick cloud of smoke rises up around her to dissipate over her head, taking with it the scraps of fabric, the liquid mascara, and the Press-On nails. Piper, restored to her usual sensibly-clad self, continues to weep on the floor. The Dolt moves to comfort her, but she remains inconsolable. There's more of her sobbing tirade as Rose moistens in the background. I won't transcribe it -- I think you have a sense of what she's saying, especially as she said many of the same things last week. I will note that, all the flawed psychology aside, Holly Marie Combs is acting the hell out of this. Then again, doesn't she always?
Manor. Night shimmers into day across the facade. In the kitchen, Piper pours herself some coffee. Phoebe enters, and ow! My eyes! Her hair's crimped all the way to Jesus, and the Fun Bags have been slung into a one-sleeved red-and-white t-shirt that came off the rack of a Godspell revival in Terre Haute. Phoebe collects a cup of her own and asks, "Did you sleep?" Piper allows that she did. Better than she has in a while, in fact. The reminisce about the late, great Prue Halliwell, then turn the topic to Rose. Phoebe notes that Rose did, after all, save Piper's life. Piper recognizes she hasn't been "the most welcoming" as of late. It's partly because of her continuing grief, but it also has to do with the unsettled nature of their lives. After everything they've been through, she explains, she finds it nearly impossible to open herself up to yet another person. "Love just feels like an invitation for more pain." Phoebe gazes silently at her sister as Piper tears up a little bit. "Sweetie," Phoebe says after a moment, stroking Piper's hand. "Maybe you don't start with love. Maybe you start with thanks."
THE BLACK HOLE OF SOCIAL SERVICES. Piper enters with a cloth-covered basket, spots Rose at her desk, and crosses to place the basket in front of her. Rose is surprised by Piper's visit, but gamely peeks beneath the cloth. "Muffins," she notes, smiling warily. "Thanks." Piper modestly dismisses the gesture as "busywork." The kitchen has always been her place of refuge, she tells Rose, adding that "Prue was the one who liked to chase demons." There's an awkward pause; then Rose notes the Bastard is no longer a bastard. He's not even wearing his toupee anymore. "What did [the Dolt] say to him?" As Bastard-No-More sheepishly sidles past them, Piper admits she hasn't a clue. "He's a miracle worker, that husband of mine." They bond over grief -- Piper's for Prue, Rose's for her parents. Piper notices a couple of Fury-inflicted scrapes on Rose's neck. "You know, [the Dolt] can fix those for you," she offers. Rose chuckles and pleasantly shrugs off the offer. "It's my first war wound." "Unfortunately, in this family, it won't be your last." Rose doesn't seem to mind that possibility. "A couple of demon battles in exchange for the power to clear up [her] friend's skin," she claims, is a pretty even exchange. Piper looks puzzled. Rose wags her head to indicate Billy the Clear flirting with the Grunge Queen. "Cute, isn't he?" Rose asks. "You should have seen him yesterday."
Piper smiles, but turns back to Rose with a warning about using magic for personal gain, either for her own benefit or that of others. "There are rules to being a witch," she reminds her. "Rules that you will have to learn and follow." "Well, not to be difficult," Rose replies, right before getting difficult. "But you're married to our Whitelighter and Phoebe's shacking up with a demon, so on balance, maybe my friend can stay cute?" Piper's forced to admit that Rose has a point. They giggle. Whatever. Rose's boss interrupts the bonding to snipe at Rose for not making a dent in that day's caseload. Piper rises to apologize, accepting the blame for Rose's shoddy work ethic. "And you are?" the boss asks. Long Pause Fraught With Significance. "I'm her sister," Piper answers. Boss is confused. Piper smiles and turns to leave. Rose, touched, smiles gently to herself and gazes down. Aw. Rose is growing on me. Like a cutaneous anthrax lesion, but still. Fade to the closing credits.
week: No clue. The WB apparently abandoned previews for its entire slate of programming. Think of it as a surprise. Or not.