Fade up on an impressively large spider scuttling up its web. Were back in the Mausoleums mausoleum, and while Im glad Brad Kern is getting his moneys worth out of this set, Im regretting my decision to call it the Mausoleums mausoleum in the first place. Im just sick of typing that out. An out-of-focus form enters, and before the shot clears itself up we hear the dulcet tones of Prue Halliwell echoing off the marble, bellowing Phoebes name. Prue wanders through the room and eventually finds Phoebe, curled up asleep at the base of the bier containing the mortal remains of Coles father. Well get to his spiritual remains later, just so you know. Prue gently rouses her sister. Phoebes first word upon awakening is, of course, Cole? Prue urges Phoebe to return to the manor with her. Phoebe wants to remain there in the hope that her cuddly little demon will deign to show his face. Prue gently suggests that Cole can just as easily contact Phoebe back at the house if he wishes to do so. Phoebe groggily rises to her feet and exposits that Cole was supposed to go back under so his buddies in the demonic fraternity of Bi Krappa Stigma wouldnt be suspicious of him. However, its been over a week since Cole did so, and the Halliwells have yet to hear from him. Prue supposes Cole simply hasnt been able to extricate himself from the situation as easily as he thought he would. Phoebe darkly proposes that the Bi Kraps just wont let Cole go. Prue attempts further to reassure Phoebe, reminding her, You dont make Demon of the Century without having a few tricks up your sleeve. Phoebe sighs, and reiterates her wish to know once and for all if her boyfriends all right. Prue slings an arm around Phoebe, and they head to the mausoleums exit.
Cut to the Cavern Of The Bi Kraps. Coles zonked out on his back on a stone slab. A couple of dozen candles blaze merrily at his side. Ian Buchanan holds his left hand over Coles face as Tarquin, the freakishly hairy genetic mistake from the combined loins of Ron Jeremy and Bruce Vilanch, looks on. Coles face periodically glows orange; then the orange glow sweeps up into the palm of Ians outstretched hand. Referencing the vanquished Vornack from last weeks episode, Ian announces, It seems our brothers suspicions were correct. The genetic mistake wonders whats wrong with the Colethazor. Sickness is Ians answer. The kind that comes from being in the World of Light too long. The genetic mistake finds this hard to believe. The Colethazor is, like, the most stupendously hella wicked demon ever. How could such a paragon of evil be ill? Ian foxtrots away from the Colethazor with some more of the exposition. Belthazor, Coles demonic half, is perfectly fine. Its Coles human half that has become infected. With what, you ask? Why love, of course. I suppose I should capitalize that particular four-letter word. And spell it Luuuurve. But I just cant be bothered at this point. The genetic mistake, upon hearing the nature of the Colethazors affliction, sneers, The witch! Oh, but not just any old witch, as Ian explains: One of the Charmed Ones. Yeah, we know. Move it along, guys. Ian gives a one-line recap of the episode, revealing to the genetic freak that Phoebes turned Cole against his former brothers at the Cavern Of The Bi Kraps. She in fact sent Cole to destroy them. The mutation from the shallow end of the gene pool proposes that they destroy Cole instead. Ian tut-tuts this, noting, You dont just kill a demon like Belthazor. Because the Colethazor got to know the Halliwells so well, he is now possessed of a unique understanding of the manner in which the sisters may be murdered. That knowledge, combined with the Colethazors outstanding powers, makes [him] a very precious commodity for the Bi Kraps. Ian proposes to save the Colethazor. The mutant freak wonders how Ian plans to accomplish this. We remove the only thing thats reawakened his human half -- his only foothold to good, Ian explains. The witchs love for him. The freak Gets It. Ian and the freak gaze down at Cole. Theres a slow pan down to his unconscious face, and we cut to the credits.
Back from the break, we find Piper in the kitchen, shuffling through a mound of paperwork on the table. The Dolt enters from the hall with a small English-to-French phrasebook in his right hand. He comically mangles the pronunciation of the sentence Ou est la Tour Eiffel? and then translates the sentence for Piper. Piper notes that the Dolts new mastery of the native tongue of Paris wont do him any good if they cant manage to procure a passport for him. This discussion has apparently come up before. Precisely when, I couldnt tell you. The Dolt reminds Piper that they can just orb on over to France. Only he manages to comically mangle the pronunciation of les Champs Elysees while doing so. So, you expect me to believe he can speak Whitelighterese, which as we heard sounds more complicated to master than Swahili, but he cant get a handle on French? Whatever. Oh, and: Shut up, Dolt. In any and all languages you know. Piper would rather fly Air France than Air Leo, just like every other normal newlywed. The Dolt reminds her that theyre not normal. Speak for yourself, corpse. Holly Marie Combs makes a terribly amusing face as she shoots the Dolt down. She insists that a passport will somehow automatically endow her cadaver of a husband with normalcy. All they have to do is find his birth certificate, which conveniently appears in her hand at that moment. Dan Dan the Stinky Man from last season left behind the dossier he had compiled on the Dolt, and this is what Piper has been leafing through in search of proper documentation. Banter about the Stinky Man follows, then the Dolt takes a look at his birth certificate. This isnt going to work, he insists. I was born in 1924. Granted, Im not an expert on Dolt-related back-story, but wasnt he a doctor in World War II? How many twenty-year-old physicians do you know? Thats right. None. Whatever.
Piper replies that his actual year of birth wont be a problem. She pulls out some tinted Wite-Out and a fountain pen, and alters his birth certificate so the year reads 1974. She does a little quick math in her head and says, Wait a minute, that makes you twenty-seven. Thats younger than me. She contemplates altering the document further as the Dolt gives her the stink-eye. Hon, you should drop your vanity and worry more about the fact that the Dolt looks like he hasnt seen the business end of twenty-seven in a decade. The Dolt notes that what she is doing is illegal. She counters by holding up his death certificate and reminding him that marrying a dead guy isnt exactly kosher, either. Prue walks in behind them and heads straight for the coffee machine. Piper asks her if she was up all night working. Prue fills them in on her search for Phoebe the evening, then bitches a bit about Cole not bothering to take three seconds to squiggle into the manor to let them all know hes okay. The Dolt notes Cole might be afraid to do so, as he might get caught. Maybe he already has, Piper snits. Prue looks worried.
Cavern Of The Bi Kraps. Ian enters with the Freak, and the two stride over to Cole. Ian waves a hand over Coles head to rouse him. Cole sits up, wondering what happened. Ian admits that he tried to kill [Cole], accidentally of course. Ian insists he didnt recognize the Colethazor in his human form. Cole isnt buying that, but doesnt call Ian on the lie. The Freak reveals that last weeks Flaming Ball Of You Will Be Unconscious Now, Yes? was actually a conventional Flaming Ball Of Death. Evidently, the Colethazor is one of the few strong enough to survive an FBOD. Ian slimily begs Coles forgiveness and offers his hand, which Cole takes. Ian was Coles first demonic mentor back in the day, so of course Cole will accept the apology. Cole moves to some sort of baptismal font to splash a little water on his neck as he asks them how long hes been unconscious. Ian replies evenly that Cole was unconscious long enough for the Bi Kraps to investigate reports [he] had gone over to the other side. Rumors, not reports, Cole stresses. The Freak starts to bust Coles chops about the Charmed Ones, but Ian puts a stop to it. It doesnt matter that you strayed, Belthazor, he states as he moves to Coles side. Only that youve come back. Ian has a task for Cole -- a task only a demon possessed of Coles superior powers could accomplish. Theres a magical amulet hanging from the neck of a random San Francisco witch. Cole is to retrieve it for the Boys of Bi Krap. Cole isnt comfortable with the assignment. Isnt it a little stupid to send him on such a mission when the ladies of Halliwell Manor are looking for him? Ian disagrees. Should the Ps intervene, it would simply provide Cole an excellent opportunity to kill them as well. Cole straightens his shoulders and asks for the amulets location. Ian passes a hand in front of Coles face, apparently imparting the necessary information through that gesture. Cole notes that the task should be an easy one, buttons his jacket, and squiggles out. The Freak isnt sure Cole will succeed. Ian again begs to differ. Cole will manage to complete the mission, but not before he fills Phoebe in on the details, thereby planting the first seed of doubt in her heart.
Manor. Up in Phoebes boudoir, the witch herself applies blush while perched in an unflattering orange nightshirt at her vanity. Cole squiggles in behind her, much to her delight. She rushes into his embrace, and the two commence with the face-sucking. Not to be unpleasant about this, but the guys been passed out in a dungeon for a week. Not only would he reek of body odor, but his mouth probably tastes like a ferret crawled in there and died. Take a shower and invest in some Listerine first, kids. Ick. Cole tells Phoebe [hes] missed [her] so much, which I find hard to believe because hes been unconscious during the entire period of separation, but Phoebe doesnt seem to mind. Cole breaks away from the embrace and tells Phoebe about the new assignment the Bi Kraps have given him. She insists he not take it, despite his promise to her that no harm will come to the woman hes set to target. As amulets protect people from harm, Phoebe argues, it would take the strength of Belthazor to wrest it away from the woman wearing it. Merely morphing into Belthazor would constitute an evil act, which is of course A Very Bad Thing. Though it didnt seem to bother anyone when he morphed into Belthazor to extract a confession from the white trash biker in Just Harried. Or when he used the powers of Belthazor to aid in the Magical Native American Guys rescue in The Good, The Bad, And The Cursed. Or when he did something demonic that ended up helping them in that episode I've, mercifully, pretty much forgotten about because djb was the unlucky s.o.b. who got to recap that week. Anyway, Cole reminds Phoebe that he has to continue playing along with the Bi Kraps until he can safely disappear. Phoebe offers to accompany Cole on his mission. Cole tells her she cant. Ian can read others' thoughts. If Ian has read Coles, hell know the details of last weeks deception. Ian therefore might be setting a trap for Phoebe and her sisters by placing a fellow witch in harms way. It follows that Cole must complete this task on his own. Cole urges Phoebe to trust him, and to continue her work on the potion that would eliminate his demonic half. They play another round of tonsil hockey, and Cole squiggles out mid-kiss. Phoebe wipes the excess saliva from her lips while looking dismayed, no doubt wondering how she can rid herself of the taste of dead ferret. Quick cut to the manor hallway. Phoebe hustles down the stairs, yelling for Prue. Phoebe gives Prue the brief version of what just happened (Coles in trouble) and drags her up to the attic to scry for a witch.
Cut to Ye Olde Wiccan Gift Shoppe. Cole squiggles in, to the distress of the bleach blonde therein. He tells her to calm down and remove the amulet shes wearing. She refuses, noting that shes been sworn to protect it. Cole advances on her, urging her in a threatening tone of voice not to fight him. He reaches out to grab the necklace, which flares up blue and shoots a ray into his body. Coles hurled backwards into some of the Wiccan merchandise. He collects himself and rises to his feet as the blonde notes, You cant take it from me. Maybe I cant, Cole agrees. He then morphs up into Belthazor and adds, But I can. Belthazor approaches the blonde, who raises her hand to the amulet. The amulet shoots out some sort of low-tech shimmery blue energy shield in front of the blonde. Belthazor reaches through the shield and rips the necklace away from her. The shield disappears. The demon grabs the blonde by the throat, but then thinks the better of throttling her with one hand. He releases her with a warning to tell no one about his visit -- not even her Whitelighter. Belthazor squiggles out, leaving the blonde to pant and massage her neck.
Over at the passport agency, which we know is the passport agency because of the large sign that screams PASSPORT AGENCY above a row of government functionaries, Piper and the Dolt impatiently wait on line to submit his fraudulent application. Well, Piper waits impatiently. The Dolt busies himself completing the form. He wonders aloud if he should write in Whitelighter as his occupation, or if Guardian Angel would be more accurate. Upon hearing this, the matronly battleaxe waiting in front of them turns to glare. Mind your own business, matronly battleaxe. Back and forth bickering between Piper and the Dolt. He thinks its wrong of them to be applying for a passport for a corpse. She just wants to have a normal life, and will do anything to get one. I wanted this argument and all of its many tedious variations to end nineteen episodes ago. Find something new to fight about, or shut the hell up. Piper reminds the Dolt that their intended crime in this case is victimless, and orders him to roll his objections up real tight and cram them, as its all giving her a migraine. The line moves forward a bit, which momentarily placates the harridan wedded to the corpse. Just then, The Powers That Be ring the Dolts bell. Uh oh, he warily intones. Piper loses it. She bitches that under no circumstances is the Dolt to leave the passport office. He has to, he pleads. No, he doesnt, she insists, reminding him theyve been waiting on line for two and a half freaking hours. To emphasize this point, she gesticulates forcefully at the clock on the wall. The clock explodes, showering the waiting area with shards of plastic and glass. Piper glances around nervously as she draws her hand back to her body. Um, uh oh. Snerk.
Ye Olde Wiccan Gift Shoppe. Ian squiggles in, looking for the blonde. He finds her cowering in a corner. Hey, Blondie -- did the peroxide fumes from your home dye job kill a few million of your brain cells? A demon invades your place of employment to steal a powerful amulet and nearly strangles you in the process. What the hell are you still doing there? Get. Away. From. The Gift Shoppe. Stupid goddamn tertiary characters. They all deserve what they get. Which in this instance is the Flaming Ball Of Death Ian hurls into the blonde. After he pauses to exposit that the Colethazor will be blamed for the blondes death, of course. The screaming blonde disappears into a wall of fire, which actually takes a little while to consume her. Ian smiles. Ian should have a long, drooping mustache for the purposes of nefarious twiddling at such moments. It could only help his performance. Commercial.