Fade up on an impressively large spider scuttling up its web. We’re back in the Mausoleum’s mausoleum, and while I’m glad Brad Kern is getting his money’s worth out of this set, I’m regretting my decision to call it the Mausoleum’s mausoleum in the first place. I’m just sick of typing that out. An out-of-focus form enters, and before the shot clears itself up we hear the dulcet tones of Prue Halliwell echoing off the marble, bellowing Phoebe’s name. Prue wanders through the room and eventually finds Phoebe, curled up asleep at the base of the bier containing the mortal remains of Cole’s father. We’ll get to his spiritual remains later, just so you know. Prue gently rouses her sister. Phoebe’s first word upon awakening is, of course, “Cole?” Prue urges Phoebe to return to the manor with her. Phoebe wants to remain there in the hope that her cuddly little demon will deign to show his face. Prue gently suggests that Cole can just as easily contact Phoebe back at the house if he wishes to do so. Phoebe groggily rises to her feet and exposits that Cole “was supposed to go back under” so his buddies in the demonic fraternity of Bi Krappa Stigma “wouldn’t be suspicious of him. However, “it’s been over a week” since Cole did so, and the Halliwells have yet to hear from him. Prue supposes Cole simply hasn’t been able to extricate himself from the situation as easily as he thought he would. Phoebe darkly proposes that the Bi Kraps just won’t let Cole go. Prue attempts further to reassure Phoebe, reminding her, “You don’t make Demon of the Century without having a few tricks up your sleeve.” Phoebe sighs, and reiterates her wish to know once and for all if her boyfriend’s all right. Prue slings an arm around Phoebe, and they head to the mausoleum’s exit.
Cut to the Cavern Of The Bi Kraps. Cole’s zonked out on his back on a stone slab. A couple of dozen candles blaze merrily at his side. Ian Buchanan holds his left hand over Cole’s face as Tarquin, the freakishly hairy genetic mistake from the combined loins of Ron Jeremy and Bruce Vilanch, looks on. Cole’s face periodically glows orange; then the orange glow sweeps up into the palm of Ian’s outstretched hand. Referencing the vanquished Vornack from last week’s episode, Ian announces, “It seems our brother’s suspicions were correct.” The genetic mistake wonders what’s wrong with the Colethazor. “Sickness” is Ian’s answer. “The kind that comes from being in the World of Light too long.” The genetic mistake finds this hard to believe. The Colethazor is, like, the most stupendously hella wicked demon ever. How could such a paragon of evil be ill? Ian foxtrots away from the Colethazor with some more of the exposition. Belthazor, Cole’s demonic half, is perfectly fine. It’s Cole’s human half that has become “infected.” With what, you ask? Why love, of course. I suppose I should capitalize that particular four-letter word. And spell it “Luuuurve.” But I just can’t be bothered at this point. The genetic mistake, upon hearing the nature of the Colethazor’s affliction, sneers, “The witch!” Oh, but not just any old witch, as Ian explains: “One of the Charmed Ones.” Yeah, we know. Move it along, guys. Ian gives a one-line recap of the episode, revealing to the genetic freak that Phoebe’s turned Cole against his former brothers at the Cavern Of The Bi Kraps. She in fact sent Cole to “destroy” them. The mutation from the shallow end of the gene pool proposes that they destroy Cole instead. Ian tut-tuts this, noting, “You don’t just kill a demon like Belthazor.” Because the Colethazor got to know the Halliwells so well, he is now possessed of a unique understanding of the manner in which the sisters may be murdered. That knowledge, combined with the Colethazor’s outstanding powers, “makes [him] a very precious commodity” for the Bi Kraps. Ian proposes to “save” the Colethazor. The mutant freak wonders how Ian plans to accomplish this. “We remove the only thing that’s reawakened his human half -- his only foothold to good,” Ian explains. “The witch’s love for him.” The freak Gets It. Ian and the freak gaze down at Cole. There’s a slow pan down to his unconscious face, and we cut to the credits.
Back from the break, we find Piper in the kitchen, shuffling through a mound of paperwork on the table. The Dolt enters from the hall with a small English-to-French phrasebook in his right hand. He “comically” mangles the pronunciation of the sentence “Ou est la Tour Eiffel?” and then translates the sentence for Piper. Piper notes that the Dolt’s new “mastery” of the native tongue of Paris won’t do him any good if they can’t manage to procure a passport for him. This discussion has apparently come up before. Precisely when, I couldn’t tell you. The Dolt reminds Piper that they can just orb on over to France. Only he manages to “comically” mangle the pronunciation of “les Champs Elysees” while doing so. So, you expect me to believe he can speak Whitelighterese, which as we heard sounds more complicated to master than Swahili, but he can’t get a handle on French? Whatever. Oh, and: Shut up, Dolt. In any and all languages you know. Piper would “rather fly Air France than Air Leo, just like every other normal newlywed.” The Dolt reminds her that they’re not normal. Speak for yourself, corpse. Holly Marie Combs makes a terribly amusing face as she shoots the Dolt down. She insists that a passport will somehow automatically endow her cadaver of a husband with normalcy. All they have to do is find his birth certificate, which conveniently appears in her hand at that moment. Dan Dan the Stinky Man from last season left behind the dossier he had compiled on the Dolt, and this is what Piper has been leafing through in search of proper documentation. Banter about the Stinky Man follows, then the Dolt takes a look at his birth certificate. “This isn’t going to work,” he insists. “I was born in 1924.” Granted, I’m not an expert on Dolt-related back-story, but wasn’t he a doctor in World War II? How many twenty-year-old physicians do you know? That’s right. None. Whatever.
Piper replies that his actual year of birth won’t be a problem. She pulls out some tinted Wite-Out and a fountain pen, and alters his birth certificate so the year reads “1974.” She does a little quick math in her head and says, “Wait a minute, that makes you twenty-seven. That’s younger than me.” She contemplates altering the document further as the Dolt gives her the stink-eye. Hon, you should drop your vanity and worry more about the fact that the Dolt looks like he hasn’t seen the business end of twenty-seven in a decade. The Dolt notes that what she is doing is “illegal.” She counters by holding up his death certificate and reminding him that “marrying a dead guy” isn’t exactly kosher, either. Prue walks in behind them and heads straight for the coffee machine. Piper asks her if she was up all night “working.” Prue fills them in on her search for Phoebe the evening, then bitches a bit about Cole not bothering to “take three seconds” to squiggle into the manor to let them all know he’s okay. The Dolt notes Cole might be afraid to do so, as “he might get caught.” “Maybe he already has,” Piper snits. Prue looks worried.
Cavern Of The Bi Kraps. Ian enters with the Freak, and the two stride over to Cole. Ian waves a hand over Cole’s head to rouse him. Cole sits up, wondering what happened. Ian admits that he “tried to kill [Cole], accidentally of course.” Ian insists he didn’t recognize the Colethazor in his human form. Cole isn’t buying that, but doesn’t call Ian on the lie. The Freak reveals that last week’s Flaming Ball Of You Will Be Unconscious Now, Yes? was actually a conventional Flaming Ball Of Death. Evidently, the Colethazor is one of the few strong enough to survive an FBOD. Ian slimily begs Cole’s forgiveness and offers his hand, which Cole takes. Ian was Cole’s first demonic mentor back in the day, so of course Cole will accept the apology. Cole moves to some sort of baptismal font to splash a little water on his neck as he asks them how long he’s been unconscious. Ian replies evenly that Cole was unconscious long enough for the Bi Kraps to “investigate reports [he] had gone over to the other side.” “Rumors, not reports,” Cole stresses. The Freak starts to bust Cole’s chops about the Charmed Ones, but Ian puts a stop to it. “It doesn’t matter that you strayed, Belthazor,” he states as he moves to Cole’s side. “Only that you’ve come back.” Ian has a task for Cole -- a task only a demon possessed of Cole’s superior powers could accomplish. There’s a “magical amulet” hanging from the neck of a random San Francisco witch. Cole is to retrieve it for the Boys of Bi Krap. Cole isn’t comfortable with the assignment. Isn’t it a little stupid to send him on such a mission when the ladies of Halliwell Manor are looking for him? Ian disagrees. Should the Ps intervene, it would simply provide Cole an excellent opportunity to kill them as well. Cole straightens his shoulders and asks for the amulet’s location. Ian passes a hand in front of Cole’s face, apparently imparting the necessary information through that gesture. Cole notes that the task should be an easy one, buttons his jacket, and squiggles out. The Freak isn’t sure Cole will succeed. Ian again begs to differ. Cole will manage to complete the mission, but not before he fills Phoebe in on the details, “thereby planting the first seed of doubt in her heart.”
Manor. Up in Phoebe’s boudoir, the witch herself applies blush while perched in an unflattering orange nightshirt at her vanity. Cole squiggles in behind her, much to her delight. She rushes into his embrace, and the two commence with the face-sucking. Not to be unpleasant about this, but the guy’s been passed out in a dungeon for a week. Not only would he reek of body odor, but his mouth probably tastes like a ferret crawled in there and died. Take a shower and invest in some Listerine first, kids. Ick. Cole tells Phoebe “[he’s] missed [her] so much,” which I find hard to believe because he’s been unconscious during the entire period of separation, but Phoebe doesn’t seem to mind. Cole breaks away from the embrace and tells Phoebe about the new assignment the Bi Kraps have given him. She insists he not take it, despite his promise to her that no harm will come to the woman he’s set to target. As amulets protect people from harm, Phoebe argues, it would take the strength of Belthazor to wrest it away from the woman wearing it. Merely morphing into Belthazor would constitute an evil act, which is of course A Very Bad Thing. Though it didn’t seem to bother anyone when he morphed into Belthazor to extract a confession from the white trash biker in “Just Harried.” Or when he used the powers of Belthazor to aid in the Magical Native American Guy’s rescue in “The Good, The Bad, And The Cursed.” Or when he did something demonic that ended up helping them in that episode I've, mercifully, pretty much forgotten about because djb was the unlucky s.o.b. who got to recap that week. Anyway, Cole reminds Phoebe that he has to continue playing along with the Bi Kraps until he can safely disappear. Phoebe offers to accompany Cole on his mission. Cole tells her she can’t. Ian can read others' thoughts. If Ian has read Cole’s, he’ll know the details of last week’s deception. Ian therefore might be setting a trap for Phoebe and her sisters by placing a fellow witch in harm’s way. It follows that Cole must complete this task on his own. Cole urges Phoebe to trust him, and to continue her work on the potion that would eliminate his demonic half. They play another round of tonsil hockey, and Cole squiggles out mid-kiss. Phoebe wipes the excess saliva from her lips while looking dismayed, no doubt wondering how she can rid herself of the taste of dead ferret. Quick cut to the manor hallway. Phoebe hustles down the stairs, yelling for Prue. Phoebe gives Prue the brief version of what just happened (“Cole’s in trouble”) and drags her up to the attic to “scry for a witch.”
Cut to Ye Olde Wiccan Gift Shoppe. Cole squiggles in, to the distress of the bleach blonde therein. He tells her to calm down and remove the amulet she’s wearing. She refuses, noting that she’s been “sworn to protect it.” Cole advances on her, urging her in a threatening tone of voice not to fight him. He reaches out to grab the necklace, which flares up blue and shoots a ray into his body. Cole’s hurled backwards into some of the Wiccan merchandise. He collects himself and rises to his feet as the blonde notes, “You can’t take it from me.” “Maybe I can’t,” Cole agrees. He then morphs up into Belthazor and adds, “But I can.” Belthazor approaches the blonde, who raises her hand to the amulet. The amulet shoots out some sort of low-tech shimmery blue energy shield in front of the blonde. Belthazor reaches through the shield and rips the necklace away from her. The shield disappears. The demon grabs the blonde by the throat, but then thinks the better of throttling her with one hand. He releases her with a warning to tell no one about his visit -- not even her Whitelighter. Belthazor squiggles out, leaving the blonde to pant and massage her neck.
Over at the passport agency, which we know is the passport agency because of the large sign that screams “PASSPORT AGENCY” above a row of government functionaries, Piper and the Dolt impatiently wait on line to submit his fraudulent application. Well, Piper waits impatiently. The Dolt busies himself completing the form. He wonders aloud if he should write in “Whitelighter” as his occupation, or if “Guardian Angel” would be more accurate. Upon hearing this, the matronly battleaxe waiting in front of them turns to glare. Mind your own business, matronly battleaxe. Back and forth bickering between Piper and the Dolt. He thinks it’s “wrong” of them to be applying for a passport for a corpse. She just wants to have “a normal life,” and will do anything to get one. I wanted this argument and all of its many tedious variations to end nineteen episodes ago. Find something new to fight about, or shut the hell up. Piper reminds the Dolt that their intended crime in this case is victimless, and orders him to roll his objections up real tight and cram them, as it’s all giving her a migraine. The line moves forward a bit, which momentarily placates the harridan wedded to the corpse. Just then, The Powers That Be ring the Dolt’s bell. “Uh oh,” he warily intones. Piper loses it. She bitches that under no circumstances is the Dolt to leave the passport office. He has to, he pleads. No, he doesn’t, she insists, reminding him they’ve been waiting on line “for two and a half freaking hours.” To emphasize this point, she gesticulates forcefully at the clock on the wall. The clock explodes, showering the waiting area with shards of plastic and glass. Piper glances around nervously as she draws her hand back to her body. “Um, uh oh.” Snerk.
Ye Olde Wiccan Gift Shoppe. Ian squiggles in, looking for the blonde. He finds her cowering in a corner. Hey, Blondie -- did the peroxide fumes from your home dye job kill a few million of your brain cells? A demon invades your place of employment to steal a powerful amulet and nearly strangles you in the process. What the hell are you still doing there? Get. Away. From. The Gift Shoppe. Stupid goddamn tertiary characters. They all deserve what they get. Which in this instance is the Flaming Ball Of Death Ian hurls into the blonde. After he pauses to exposit that the Colethazor will be blamed for the blonde’s death, of course. The screaming blonde disappears into a wall of fire, which actually takes a little while to consume her. Ian smiles. Ian should have a long, drooping mustache for the purposes of nefarious twiddling at such moments. It could only help his performance. Commercial.
Ye Olde Wiccan Gift Shoppe. Prue flings the door open with a little TK and enters with Phoebe. It’s called a doorknob, Prue. Save the telekinesis for crisis situations, would you? Thanks. Show-off. The two look for signs of the blonde. Phoebe wonders if their earlier scrying led to the wrong woman. Prue spots the scorch marks from the FBOD and guesses they got the right witch, just not in time to save her. Phoebe panics a bit. Cole had promised her the witch wouldn’t be harmed. Prue reassures Phoebe that, “for what it’s worth,” she believes Cole kept to his promise. She then asks Phoebe if anyone else could be responsible for the death of the blonde. Yeah, hi. Any single member of that passel of demons you saw at the Intersection That Doesn’t Exist last week could have done it, Prue. Speaking of which, what happened to Kappa Kappa Klea? I grew inordinately fond of those Cheshire eyes of hers. Anyway, Phoebe tells Prue of Cole’s “mentor,” Ian. If Ian killed the blonde, it would be proof that he’s uncovered Cole’s deception. The Ps have to get Cole away from the Bi Kraps immediately. Prue agrees, but before the two can discuss this further, the Dolt orbs in behind them. TPTB sent him over because of the purloined amulet. They also apparently charged him with back-story duty on the amulet in question. Briefly: it’s one half of “an ancient charm.” If the two halves are merged, the resulting protective power would be unimaginably strong. Whoever held the charm would become “invincible.” It was divided at some point in the past, and each part was placed in the care of a local coven. Not even TPTB know who possesses the other half. Phoebe supposes the Bi Kraps want to retrieve both halves to benefit from the combined protection the charm would offer. The Dolt tells her she’s wrong. The Bi Kraps must want the amulets only to destroy them, as evil cannot benefit from the charm’s power.
Okay, I’ve tried to wrap my poor little brain around this, and all I ended up with was a headache. If evil can’t benefit from it, why split it up in the first place? Why not give the damn thing to the Charmed Ones, who as we are reminded weekly are the Most Powerful Force Of Good Ever? If the point of the split was to offer enhanced protection to powerful witches of a lesser order than the Halliwells, then why did a stupid blonde who lacked the sense to get the hell away from further demon attacks have a half? Rrrgh.
Anyway, the three decide that the other half of the charm must be found as quickly as possible. Prue agrees to search for it with Piper so that Phoebe can return to the manor to work on the Demon Be Gone formula for Cole. Speaking of Piper, where is the harridan? Back at the manor, the Dolt tells them. Why? “Well, we had a little problem at the passport office,” he allows. What problem? “She sorta blew some of it up.” Phoebe and Prue unhinge their jaws. Their chins drop to the floor while they goggle in disbelief. Good look for you girls. Not.
Cavern Of The Bi Kraps. Cole fiddles absently with the amulet while he awaits Ian’s return. The Freak waits with him, and the two snipe at each other a bit. So sad when love goes wrong, isn’t it? Ian squiggles in, uttering an apology about the other “business [he had] to attend to.” He asks for the amulet, and Cole hands over. Ian then jovially asks for the gruesome details of the mission: “Was it a beautiful death?” Cole responds with “huh?” noises. He didn’t kill the witch in question because, he lies, doing so would have alerted the Halliwells to the theft. Ian reveals that the “other business” he had was whacking the blonde. “Don’t make me clean up after you again, Belthazor,” he warns. The Freak asks to be given the amulet-related assignment. Ian wants Cole to do it. He passes his hand across Cole’s face again, and sends him on his way with another warning: “Find the witch, and this time show no mercy.” A poker-faced Cole squiggles out. “Think he’ll do it?” asks the Freak. “You keep putting the bottle in front of him, sooner or later he’s going to take a drink,” is Ian’s reply. Even if that doesn’t happen, Ian has further “insurance” to assure Cole’s compliance. Ian raises his left hand, and a glowing white orb materializes between his fingers. This is where that nefarious twiddling would be useful. Alas, Ian’s face remains hair-free. Wish I could say the same for the Freak.
Manor. Phoebe enters through the front door, followed by Prue and the Dolt. Prue wants to scry for the other witch. The Dolt reveals that scrying would be useless in this case, as the amulet deflects all magic, good or evil. Phoebe guesses that this little detail factored into their earlier failure to find the blonde in time. Prue frets a bit, but the conversation is interrupted by what sounds like a moist gunshot in the kitchen. Trust me on that description. The camera cuts to reveal Piper mewling helplessly as wet, fleshy chunks of red and pink drop from the ceiling to cling to her hair, hands, and clothes. Prue asks, “Was it a demon?” No, it was a watermelon. Piper pitched it up into the air and tried to freeze it. It exploded instead. Snicker. Yes, snicker. God help me. Piper gestures in frustration as she tells her tale of watermelon woe, and the dirty dishes in the sink explode. Startled, she wheels around while flapping her hands some more, and the glass in the cupboard doors shatters. “Piper,” Phoebe intones. “Put your hands down and no one will get hurt.” “Hon-eeeee,” Piper whines. The Dolt shushes her. Prue slides a couple of large oven mitts over Piper’s hands and tells her to freeze the teakettle. Boom! Phoebe suggests that Piper try to calm down, as her current heightened state of anxiety is likely exacerbating the problem. The Dolt orbs out to consult TPTB. Prue wonders again how they’re to find the other half of the amulet while Piper whines some more.
Cole conveniently squiggles in at this point to reveal that he knows where they need to go. He also denies responsibility for the blonde’s death. Phoebe crosses to him, assuring him that they all know he didn’t do it. Piper looks like she doesn’t agree, but prudently keeps her mouth shut. Phoebe notes that Cole looks worse for the wear, and leads him into the parlor for a private chat. Once there, he asks for a status report on the Demon Be Gone. The potion is missing one key ingredient, “billingsroot.” Once she figures out what billingsroot is, Cole’s problems will be history. Blather about Cole not being able to resist the pull of his demonic side much longer. He begs Phoebe to get to the second witch with her sisters before he does, to protect her. He’s been ordered to kill the witch after retrieving the amulet. Even if he doesn’t, Ian certainly will. Phoebe gazes down sadly.
Cut to a shot of the full moon hanging over a forest clearing. A coven of witches sits in a circle around an open fire, conducting a tiresome ritual of some sort. The lead witch -- who has the second half of the amulet on a chain around her neck -- calls the meeting to a close with “blessed be.” Oh. She’s one of those. How much you want to bet she’ll be dead in fifteen minutes? Too easy? Then how much you want to bet I’ll be hurling blunt objects at the television screen when she spouts more of that sick-making Wicca jargon later in the episode? The point of view on the scene shifts as Cole is revealed to be spying on the whole thing from a cluster of bushes off to the side. The Freak squiggles in behind him. Their faces are half-lit by the moonlight, making them look like the members of Queen in the infamous four-shot from the “Bohemian Rhapsody” video. Cole wonders why the Freak is there. He’s been sent to “watch [Cole’s] back.” Cole acidly notes that there’s a difference between watching someone’s back and stabbing it. The Freak natters on about the untrusting nature of Belthazor while the two watch the coven disperse. The Freak tells Cole he’d best follow Ian’s orders carefully, and adds that murdering a witch will make Cole “feel better.” Hell, boys. If she tosses off any more of that “blessed be” crap, I’ll strangle her for you.
Once the other members of her coven have left, the lead witch senses the Presence of Evil. She calls into the darkness, “Who’s there?” Cole and the Freak reveal themselves right before Cole morphs up into Belthazor. The lead witch rises to her feet, holding the amulet out away from her body. “You can’t hurt me,” she asserts through clenched teeth as Belthazor strides over to her. The amulet spits out a spray of blue rays, which congeal to form a shield in front of her. Belthazor pushes his hand through the shield to reach for the necklace. Cleansing Burst Of Synchronicity -- the Ps galumph into the clearing at that moment. Prue orders Piper to freeze Belthazor. Piper worries that she might “blow him up” if she tries. Prue TKs him into a large rock instead. Phoebe runs to the lead witch’s side as the Freak conjures an FBOD to hurl their way. Piper tosses her hands up into freeze position, but manages only to vanquish a tree behind the Freak. The force of the explosion does, however, toss the Freak face-first into the ground. “Okay, that was good. Sort of,” Prue decides as Belthazor and the Freak pull themselves up. Belthazor flings an FBOD at Phoebe and the lead witch. The amulet’s shield absorbs the FBOD, but the impact sends the two flying back into the bushes. Prue TKs Belthazor into the rock again, and follows this move by tossing a bit of the coven’s fire after him. The Freak tries the FBOD one more time, but Prue knocks him back into the rock as well. Belthazor and the Freak rise to glare at the witches, then squiggle out. Phoebe pants and shudders, and we cut to commercial.
Manor. The Ps enter with the lead witch, whose name is revealed to be “Jenna.” I’ll not be making a crack about underage First Daughters swilling cheap beer in seedy Austin nightclubs. Nope. Not me. Prue calls out for the Dolt. Phoebe explains to Jenna that the Dolt is both their Whitelighter and their brother-in-law. She’s sporting a nasty scrape on her forearm, presumably from the tumble she took into the bushes in the scene. Prue impatiently calls out for the Dolt again as Phoebe tells her to calm down. “I’m fine, really,” she insists. “It’s no big deal.” “Phoebe, it’s a huge deal,” Piper corrects. “Cole tried to kill you.” Prue explains to Jenna that Cole is both the demon who attacked them and Phoebe’s boyfriend. “We have very complicated lives,” Phoebe notes as Jenna nods her head all, “With you guys on my side, I am so dead by the end of this episode.” Or maybe it was me thinking that. She smiles gamely and admits that she always wanted to meet the Charmed Ones. Again I must ask why the witches of San Francisco lack a professional society or some sort of directory. It would make their jobs so much easier. Prue apologizes for the fiasco in the clearing, but Jenna’s cool with it. They saved her and the amulet, and that’s really all that matters. She inspects Phoebe’s wound and suggests applying a salve. She clasps her hands together at her bosom, bows her head, and asks, “Would you allow me entrance to your herb cupboard?” Shut up, Jenna. Prue translates the request for Piper, who leads Jenna to the kitchen. Phoebe and Prue sit on the sofa to indulge in some more nattering along the lines of “Cole’s a good guy. Really, he is. No, I mean it. He is.” Prue clearly has her doubts about all that, but keeps quiet. They agree that getting Cole away from the Bi Kraps remains a priority, then head into the kitchen. That little bit was most unnecessary, and I will never get those forty seconds of my life back. Thanks for nothing, ladies.
Kitchen. Piper removes a mason jar from the magically-restored cupboard while Jenna whips up a salve at the island. The gals admire her mad mixing skillz. Jenna modestly smiles at the compliments. She gathers a bit of the salve on a spoon and spreads it over Phoebe’s wound. The numbing effect is immediate. Phoebe wonders if Jenna would mind helping out with the Demon Be Gone. She’d be honored. Phoebe tells her they need to find billingsroot. Jenna’s face sets itself into a puzzled expression as she notes they have it right there in the kitchen. She retrieves another mason jar from the magically-restored cupboard. Phoebe tells Jenna she’s wrong -- what she has in her hands is ginger. Jenna: “Duh. Ginger is billingsroot, you moron.” Only she’s much more polite about it. Phoebe hugs her, telling Jenna she’s “healed [Phoebe] twice,” and asks Piper if she’d assist Jenna with the Demon Be Gone. Prue: “Why? Where are you going?” To the Mausoleum’s mausoleum to rendezvous with Cole and drag him back to the manor, of course. Prue and Piper are of the opinion the Colethazor is beyond all hope at this point. Phoebe tells them to can it. “Cole’s not the enemy,” she states flatly. “He’s the victim. And I’m going to save him.” Phoebe books out the back door. Jenna glances warily at Prue and Piper, who roll their eyes.
Cavern Of The Bi Kraps. Back-and-forth bickering between Cole and Ian about the latest failed mission. Cole cuts through the crap to tell Ian to give it a rest. He knows Ian doesn’t really care about the amulets. He knows the missions are simply an exercise to make him hate Phoebe. He knows this plan won’t work. Cole refuses to follow any more of Ian’s orders. Ian plays his ace. He raises his left hand to conjure the glowing white orb again. Meet Cole’s father. Well, his father’s soul, at any rate. Cole lunges at Ian, but the Freak holds him back with a dagger at his throat. Ian proposes a deal. If Cole kills Jenna, Ian will release Cole from any further obligations to the Bi Kraps and hand over his father’s soul as well. Cole glares, then squiggles out. “The only thing separating us from getting him back are a couple of drops of innocent blood,” Ian nefariously notes. “And they’re about to be spilled.”
Mausoleum’s mausoleum. Cole squiggles in to find Phoebe waiting for him. He apologizes for the FBOD he tossed her way earlier. She tells him not to worry about it. “It’s not like you haven’t tried to kill me before,” she reminds him. Yeah, this is a healthy relationship. They must return to the manor immediately to apply the Demon Be Gone. Cole, addled, chooses not to tell her about his father’s captive soul. Rather, he frets that the potion might be too little, too late. His hand morphs into Belthazor’s while the Darth Maul markings dance across his face, which -- forgive me -- is kind of cool. Phoebe urges him to get a grip and moves to lead him out to the car. He pants that squiggling would be faster. She thinks calling upon his demonic resources would be too much of a temptation in his current state. She slides an arm around his waist and helps him to the door.
Manor attic. Jenna instructs Piper on the ingredients for Demon Be Gone, which include bottled water, dandelion, and chickweed. Piper places each ingredient into the glass jar she holds above the table. Prue, who had been leafing through the Book of Shadows in the background, wonders why bottled water is necessary. “For Cole, the purer the better,” Piper perks. I’ll let that one slide, knowing that the results of the study that proved tap water as clean as bottled were published the same day this episode aired. Piper seals the lid on the jar and shakes it while she bitches about her screwed-up powers. She snots that TPTB are “punishing” her for wanting a normal life. “By this time week, I’ll be walking around like Carrie at the prom.” That would be fun, but you know we’re never going to see it. Jenna just smiles and changes the subject. These Charmed Ones -- they're so wacky. The potion should be sufficiently mixed by now, Jenna notes, and takes the jar from Piper’s hand. The Dolt orbs in behind her with some good news and some bad news. Piper’s powers aren’t “wonky,” as she puts it. They’re “advancing.” “Turns out your powers work by slowing down molecules,” he explains. “And now, apparently, you can speed them up as well.” This is the good news. The bad news is that Piper needs a hell of lot of practice before she can control it. Prue tells her not to “look a gift power in the mouth.” They’ll need all the help they can get to fight off the Bi Kraps. Her research in the BoS turned up an entry on the amulets. If the Bi Kraps acquire the spell therein, they can use the amulets to promote the cause of evil. Jenna’s confused. Join the club, sweetpea. She was told evil could not benefit from the charm. As were we all. Prue’s version of spackling over this plot hole involves the line, “Maybe they figured out a way.” Yeah, and maybe the writers hit the crack pipe one too many times. Phoebe enters the attic at this point, dragging the knackered Colethazor behind her. He slumps wearily into a chair and she kneels at his side. Prue astutely observes, “You look like hell.” Yeah, ha ha -- not. Phoebe wants to know if the Demon Be Gone is ready. Jenna replies that it must cool off a bit “and turn blood red.” Piper offers to get some ice from the kitchen. Prue makes with the excuses and joins her.
Manor hall. Prue and Piper descend the stairs holding hands. Prue snarks, “At least you got a new power. You’ve been bitching about it long enough.” She’s been bitching about a lot of things long enough, Prue. Don’t encourage her. “Yeah, well be careful what you bitch for,” Piper replies. One wishes you would take your own advice and shut up now and again, sweetie. The Freak chooses this moment to squiggle into the hallway. Piper hoots and hollers and blows up a ficus. The Freak grins maliciously and hurls an FBOD at the twosome. Prue TKs it into a wall, where it scorches the paint. The Freak advances on them. Prue lands a couple of kicks to his head, then boots him in his ample stomach. He flies back, smashing a table and a couple of knick-knacks. Prue stands above him with her fists at the ready and orders Piper to try freezing the Freak again. Piper complies, blowing up the supports for the upper half of the bookcase behind Prue in the process. It topples over, squishing Prue like a bug. Go, Piper! Go, Piper! I could deal with more of that. Piper hoots a bit more as the Freak rises to his feet. “Phoebe!” Piper squeals as she smashes a crystal vase over the Freak’s shaggy head. Phoebe rushes down from upstairs to be met by an FBOD. She dodges it by leaping over the balustrade, smashing another table and stunning herself as she lands. It’s all on Piper now. She backs away from the Freak, begging her power to work this time. She shoots her hands out. The Freak stops dead in his tracks, shudders a bit, then explodes into a shower of black confetti. Piper, naturally, is ecstatic, practically dancing on the demon’s ashes. Phoebe congratulates her and tells her to wake Prue up. She then bounds back upstairs to the attic to help Cole. Piper, fearing the Wrath of Prue, hesitates for a moment before moving to Prue’s side.
Attic. The Demon Be Gone, in a rather attractive goblet, darkens to a deep red. Jenna tells the Dolt the potion is ready. Ian squiggles into the attic to fling an FBOD at the Dolt. Can he do that? I thought a demon had to be invited into the manor before he could access the attic. You know, like a vampire. Wasn’t that the whole point of Cole making some lame excuse about needing to use their bathroom in order to gain entry way back in “Once Upon A Time”? Whatever. The FBOD shatters the Dolt into an orb cloud on impact. The cloud swirls backwards onto the floor and coalesces into a very unconscious Whitelighter. Jenna claps her hands over her mouth in brief horror, then turns to raise the amulet to ward off Ian. From the chair, Cole orders Ian to “leave her out of this.” Ian ignores him. “I serve with every breath,” Jenna chants, “even my last.” Ian “would love to take [her] up on that,” but chooses instead to hurl an FBOD her way. The amulet spits out its shield. The force of the FBOD knocks Jenna into a wall anyway. She blacks out and falls to the carpet. The amulet, torn from her neck, drops from her limp hand. Phoebe pounds on the attic door, attempting to enter, but a mound of debris blocks her access. Ian strides over to Cole, who has risen to his feet from the chair. Ian smarms out a demonic pep talk, urging Cole to vanquish Jenna. “Is she really worth risking your father’s soul?” he asks. Prue pushes up behind Phoebe and tosses a little TK. The attic door twitches open a few inches, allowing Phoebe to peer inside. She witnesses Ian passing a hand across Cole’s face. Cole wails mightily in anguish and morphs up into Belthazor. Belthazor shoots an FBOD into Jenna’s prone form, and she vanishes in a veil of fire. Ian squiggles out in triumph. Phoebe calls out Cole’s name, and we cut to black.
They cancelled Grosse Pointe in favor of The Oblongs? Idiots.
Attic. Aftermath. Recriminations. Vague apologies. Lame excuses. Lots of shouting. The Ps cluster around the Dolt. Piper accuses Cole of trying to kill her husband. Cole blames everything on Ian’s influence. “I had no choice,” he bleats. “There’s always a choice,” Phoebe shouts. Well, maybe, unless Ian wiped a little evil Bi Krap voodoo into Cole’s brain there, Miss Snippy McJudgment. Cole looks like he’s suffering from a scathing case of malaria, made worse by a tequila hangover. He weakly reaches for the goblet of Demon Be Gone. Phoebe snatches it away from him, telling him it’s too late. He roasted an innocent; redemption is now beyond his reach. Cole pleads with her. He didn’t mean to toast Jenna. He “can still be good.” “There isn’t anything good left in you” is her icy reply. “Maybe there never was,” Prue opines as she crosses to the BoS. The jerrybuilt plot point of the conveniently-appearing amulet spell is used against Our Favorite Demon. Perhaps Cole’s plan all along was to swallow the Demon Be Gone in order to steal the BoS. Perhaps he could then use the spell to activate the charm. Perhaps the Boys of Bi Krap would then be able to use the charm against the sisters. Perhaps the “writers” could have put a little more effort into this evening’s script. Not buying a damn bit of this, but I have to admit that all involved are doing the best they can with the material. Cole spins away from them, clutching his head and tearing his hair all angsty and confused. He pulls himself together, turns, and begs, “You gotta believe me.” Piper shoots a frosty “maybe she’s believed you one too many times” from her seat on the floor. Cole snaps his head around and spits, in Belthazor’s voice, “Stay out of this!” That’s my boy. He again suppresses the devil inside to pant, “This is between me and her,” indicating Phoebe. Phoebe asserts that there is no longer anything between them. Cole whines her name and tells her she can’t let Ian “take this away from us. [She] can’t let him win. Save me.” “Save yourself,” Phoebe grunts, and smashes the goblet of Demon Be Gone at his feet. Cole gazes sadly at her. She glares right back at him. Piper looks away in disgust. Prue’s eyes are a little moist, but that could be allergies. Cole shudders and pants as if he’s about to break down and cry. He squiggles out, defeated.
Manor, the following morning. Piper repots the ficus she blew up the night before while apologizing for dumping a bookcase on Prue’s head. Prue’s all “no harm done,” and reassures her sister that “the control will come.” Weekly summation time. While Piper is pleased that her newfound power rid them all of the Freak, she thinks “vanquishing one bad guy and losing three good guys isn’t exactly a winning score.” Prue’s relieved to discover that Piper still counts Cole among the good. What? Then what the hell was that last scene about? Christ, this show is going to give me a goddamn ulcer. Piper reveals that she now has a better understanding of Cole’s situation in the world. “Having something inside of you that you can’t control,” she explains. “That is capable of hurting the people you love, even if you don’t want it to.” Phoebe enters in her version of widow’s weeds: a subdued black long-sleeved shirt over loose white cotton trousers. She crosses to sit on the sofa and places three candles on the coffee table. Her sisters express concern for her well-being. “You have a lot to sort out,” Prue supposes. Phoebe demurs: “I lost my soul mate to evil. What’s there to sort out?” Ow. I hate that term. To an extent, she blames herself for Cole’s failure. “I wasn’t enough,” she breathes. Instead of whapping her upside the head for being so damned codependent, Prue and Piper gaze at her silently. Phoebe explains that the candles are for a blessing ritual. She thought it might be a nice idea to commemorate the innocents they lost. She strikes a match as Prue and Piper kneel at the table. “For Leeza,” Prue begins. For whom? Oh, the stupid blonde. “Our lost sister,” she continues, lighting the first of the candles. “May your spirit soar.” “For Jenna, our lost friend,” Piper, um, prays, I guess, as she takes the match from Prue. “May we meet again.” Piper lights the second candle. Phoebe accepts the match from Piper and concludes, “For Cole, a lost love.” She lights the remaining candle, then raises the lit match before her. “May he find peace.” She purses her lips and extinguishes the match with a single puff of air.
The Dolt brightly barges in on the proceedings. He quickly apologizes and turns to leave, but Phoebe invites him to stay, noting that the Ps could do with a bit of good news. Long story short, he submitted the fraudulent passport application, and is now the proud owner of an illegally-obtained government document. Piper’s delighted. The Dolt decided he’ll “do anything to get [Piper] on a plane to Paris.” Not so fast. In light of her new power, Piper’s changed her mind about the honeymoon. “I don’t want to sneeze at forty thousand feet and have a bunch of people explode.” I’d make a comment about a certain TWA flight from a couple of years ago, but the gentlemen responsible for Final Destination have already sucked that well of tastelessness dry. Piper crosses to her Dolt and plants a wet one on his lips. Prue beams, but the smile disappears when she takes in Phoebe’s expression. Yet again unlucky in love, Phoebe hangs her head to stare at her nails.
Cavern Of The Bi Kraps. Cole squiggles in, and the man is pissed. Ian rounds a corner to join him. “I knew you’d be back,” he oozes. “I’ve been waiting for you.” Cole’s not having the social niceties here. “My father’s soul. Where is it?” he demands. Ian obliges him by raising a hand and conjuring the glowing white orb. Cole reverently lifts the orb from Ian’s palm and crosses away from him. “Of course,” Ian snorts, “now that you’re evil, what can you do with it?” Cole tells him to mind his own business, then changes the subject. He wants to know what sort of magic Ian worked on him to force him to murder Jenna. Ian wonders if it really matters. Didn’t Cole enjoy killing her? Cole seethes, “Not as much as I’m going to enjoy this.” His father’s soul has been conveniently replaced by a dagger. He plunges the weapon into Ian’s stomach, then twists it around before yanking it forcefully up and down. Ian, unfortunately, refuses to die quickly. He grunts through clenched teeth that this is exactly what he wanted -- Cole’s “inner demonic nature finally showing itself in all its glory.” Cole angrily pushes Ian away. Ian staggers for a moment, then examines the blood gushing from his gaping wound. “You’re truly evil now, Belthazor.” Shouldn’t you be dead by now? “Welcome home.” Shut up and die. Please. Ian drops to his knees. Flames burst in a circle around him. He stares up at Cole, then drops through the floor into Hell. And don’t ever come back. Do you hear me? Cole falls to his own knees, tearing up a bit. He raises his eyes heavenward as the screen slowly fades to black.
week, a botched spell turns Prue into a literal bitch. This, I cannot wait to see.