P3AD. Phoebe's Fun Bags in a lovely (not) sleeveless pink top clear a path through a crowd of gyrating yuppies to the bar. Once there, they allow their owner -- or do they own her? -- time for a brief confab with Prue, Piper, and the Dolt. The conversation is structured so we're to think something demonic is afoot, with a lot of "We're in trouble" joined by "I don't think we have enough time" countered with "We've been in tighter jams than this" bandied about. It's all nonsense. The fearsome foursome is actually making plans to go see a movie. Ha. Ha. Barf. Piper and the Dolt want to go see a "thriller." Prue and the humanoid supporting Phoebe's Fun Bags want to see some "foreign film at the Avalon." The biotic support system for Phoebe's Fun Bags is particularly exercised about this decision, as it wants to "stop thinking about Cole and his demon-dodging, not be reminded of it" this evening. The foreign film is entitled Faithless, by the way. Get it? You will. Anyway, Prue and The Biotic Support System For Phoebe's Fun Bags are surprised Piper is siding with her husband. "Welcome to the Power Of Four," Piper smiles. The Dolt beams playfully. Shut up, both of you.
The "banter" is interrupted by the arrival of Cole. Cole doesn't look very happy, for reasons I assume will be beaten to death long before the end of the episode. The Biotic Support System For Phoebe's Fun Bags makes its way over to Cole, and greets him with a cautious, "Hey." Phoebe's Fun Bags demand to be crushed against Cole's chest, and their Biotic Support System willingly obliges. Cole apologizes for being away from the Fun Bags for so extended a period of time, explaining he didn't want to return until he was "sure it was safe" for him to do so. The Fun Bags place pressure on the rib cage of their Biotic Support System, compressing its chest cavity to force air from its lungs up through its neck, where the vocal cords vibrate, "Are you sure it's safe now?" Cole reassures the Fun Bags he is, indeed, sure it is safe now. The Fun Bags order their Biotic Support System to return to the bar with Cole in tow. It complies. Noises of greeting from Prue, Piper, and the Dolt. The Dolt asks Cole if he'd like to join them all in a movie. Cole would rather get some alone time with the Fun Bags. Nudge-nudge, wink-wink. Only without the nudging and the winking. The Fun Bags find this an excellent idea and leave the bar immediately, dragging Cole and their Biotic Support System out the door after them. "Look at Phoebe and Cole, trying to be a normal couple," Piper sighs. Yeah, shut up, missy. You're the one who married a reanimated corpse. Prue tells her to cram it, and gathers her belongings from the bar, resigned to see the "thriller" after all. I hope it's not The Forsaken. I heard that movie just sucks.
Cut to a silvery blob in a silver lamé tuxedo gyrating on the sidewalk. No, I don't understand why it's there. Ask Potsie. He did direct this episode, after all. Ritchie Cunningham gets the Academy Award nominations, and Potsie gets Phoebe and her Fun Bags. Is that justice, I ask you? Oh, yeah. I guess it is. Phoebe, having wrested control of her body from the Fun Bags, exposits she's happy Cole could return in time for her graduation ceremony. Cole replies that he "wouldn't miss that for the world." He pauses a bit, then glums, "Or the end of the world." Phoebe senses the sadness, and asks what's wrong. Briefly, San Francisco is never terribly safe for him, what with the Source-ordered bounty on his head for killing the Andrews Sisters all those many episodes ago, and frankly, he's tired of squiggling from plane of existence to plane of existence to avoid being captured. "I'm half-human, so I can't go back, and I'm half-demon, so there isn't really a place for me in your world either." Those in the audience who just emerged from a yearlong coma after their SUVs rolled over on the Interstate thank you for reminding them of that, Cole. Old buddy of mine. Phoebe's expression betrays her concern that Cole is about to dump her sorry ass right there on the sidewalk. No farewell fornication for the Feebs? Cole eyes her and states, "It's…complicated. But it doesn't have to be -- not with magic on our side." Phoebe is not following his line of thinking. He draws her a detailed map, complete with cunning little etchings depicting the various interesting natural landmarks along the way. If Phoebe comes up with a spell to drain him of his demonic resources, he can live out his life as a regular Joe and need never worry about placing Phoebe in harm's way again. Phoebe is delighted. "You would do that for me?" she asks, yanking on his lapels to draw him down into a kiss. Didn't he just say he would? I think the Fun Bags are sucking the blood from your brain, sweetie.
Cole opens his eyes in the middle of the kiss in that reptilian way he has of indicating, "Something wicked this way comes." Said something wicked appears to be in the form of an addle-pated homeless gentleman, who emerges from an alleyway, screaming, "Prepare for the Brotherhood! The Thorn is coming!" Phoebe asks Cole if he's acquainted with the addle-pated homeless gentleman. Cole allows he's not, "but if he doesn't watch what he's saying…." Before Cole can finish his sentence, we see what happens to naughty homeless people who scream nonsense into the street. A not-long-for-this-world demon squiggles in behind the homeless gent and drags him back into the alley. Hey! I thought only Cole could squiggle. Phoebe darts down the sidewalk past the gyrating silver blob as Cole yells at her to be careful. She bounds into the alley just as the not-long-for-this-world demon slices the homeless gent's throat open with a dagger. Sorry. "Athemay." Phoebe screams, "No!" as the not-long-for-this-world demon lets the lifeless form of the homeless gent drop to the ground. The not-long-for-this-world demon hurls a Flaming Ball Of Death at Phoebe. She dodges it with a forward somersault, and the FBOD vanquishes some stacked shipping pallets. Heh. "Stacked." Not as stacked as Phoebe, if you know what I mean. Anyway, Phoebe lays the smackdown upon the not-long-for-this-world demon, eventually plunging the dagger into his chest. Sorry. Again. "Athemay." He squeals like a -- well, like a stuck demon, actually, and disappears in a fireball. Cole enters the alley just in time to observe the disappearance. "Where were you?" Phoebe demands, spinning about to chide her supposed boyfriend for leaving her alone in a dangerous situation. "What happened to you?" she continues. Cole glances down, then raises his head to eye her directly. "You just vanquished my brother." Well, that's one less person they have to accommodate at the wedding. Oh, and: "The hell?" Though, knowing this show, the answer to that is likely, "Yes. Precisely." Phoebe soundlessly begins to mutter an apology, but really, what are the appropriate words in such a situation? Cole parts his pouty lips a bit as if to continue, and we cut to the credits.
That "Put on a Happy Face" Discover card ad chaps my ass.
Oh, but not as much as Stevie Nicks chaps it. Nope. Not by a long shot. Speaking of long shots and Stevie Nicks, there's an endless series of nighttime aerial views of the city accompanied by the latest atrocity that cokehead in chiffon has seen fit to inflict on the ears of America. I actually went back and listened to the lyrics twice to see if they had any sort of relevance to the evening's plot. As far as I can tell, they don't, but between Chiffoned Cokehead's crappy diction and her astounding failure to grasp the difficult concept of "Lyrics That Make Sense" when writing songs, I could be wrong. But I'm not going back to check again. Ever. Manor dining room. Phoebe barges in from the kitchen, bitching Cole out for keeping pertinent information about his family life from her. About this point the first time I watched this episode, I was getting mighty stoked to see Cole's demonic shrew of a mother before the hour was out. Having her fly in to rain torture and torment on the heads of those who killed her baby, only to have her deeply-conflicted other son send her on her merrily flaming way back to Hell. Wouldn't that have been fun? Huh? Well, it doesn't happen. Not tonight at any rate. On with the exposition, then, shall we? "You just forgot you had a brother?" Phoebe splutters as she crosses into the sun porch. "He's not that kind of brother," Cole replies, tagging along after her. "It's complicated," he continues. Phoebe announces that she can't stand the word "complicated." Piper, Prue, and the Dolt enter through the front door at that moment, with Piper whining about having to leave the theater just before "find[ing] out who the real killer is." "Well, I'm the real killer," Phoebe announces. O.J. pauses long enough from beating his latest girlfriend with a five iron to rejoice. Ow. Did I just yank out a lame mid-90s reference? I'm getting as bad as the people who write for this show. Phoebe fills the others in on the untimely demise of Cole's "brother." "Whoah!" from Prue. "This is so much better than the movie!" Snerk. Phoebe also allows they "lost an innocent," and carries on about the homeless gent's ranting. The Dolt perks upon hearing the "Brotherhood" bit and asks, "The Brotherhood of the Thorn?" Yeah. In my side. The thorn, not the brotherhood. Cole confirms this, and reveals he's been a card-carrying member of the association in question since the McKinley administration or thereabouts. The Dolt exposits the Brotherhood is "an elite gang" of demons, hand-picked by The Source and answerable only to him. Or it. Or them, or whatever the hell The Source is. Prospective members of the Brotherhood must "swear a blood oath," thus the whole Phoebe-vanquished-Cole's-"brother" thing. I bet they have to perform a slew of other sordid tasks, like submissively scrubbing the bathroom with toothbrushes while wearing nothing but dog collars and boxer shorts and submitting to ritual paddlings while clenching carrots between the cheeks of their rear ends and whatnot, but I avoided the Greek system like the plague when I was in college. So I really can't say.
Anyway, Cole supposes the Brotherhood is "surfacing," which is the real problem confronting the ladies of Halliwell Manor. Piper wonders why the demonic frat boys would go after crazy homeless people, but she calls them "street prophets." Cole tells her some crazy homeless people are, in fact, "magical seers" who can predict future events. However, because homeless people - even those of the magical sort -- smell like the ass-end of a hyena, mortals tend to ignore them and their rantings. There's a grizzled, chainsmoking, sixtysomething bag lady who sits in a doorway outside Clarke's Diner on Belmont Avenue who yells at passersby, "You wanna see my pussy? You DO! You want to see my PUSSY!" Think she's trying to tell us all something? Cole's willing to bet there's been a recent rash of slayings of the homeless in San Francisco. Prue wonders what the brothers of Bi Krappa Stigma plan to do. Cole hasn't a clue. "I'm not exactly a member in good standing anymore," he reminds her. Phoebe turns to note that, before he died, the sliced-up homeless gent was nattering on about a company named "Luxoram" or "Lexerom" or something. No one in this episode ever clearly articulates the name, so in keeping with this frat thing I'm calling it "Lebensraum." Piper wonders what the boys of Bi Krap want with an "Internet service provider." Prue can't imagine but sets her sisters to research, Phoebe on the Internet and Piper in the Book of Shadows. Cole, from deep within a wicker chair on the porch, tells them not to bother. Bi Krap's a little beyond the reach of the Ps' "kick, freeze, and magical moves." "No offense," he adds. "Some taken," Piper brats, but the Dolt agrees with Cole. Prue wonders what they're to do, given the nature of their newfound enemies. Cole proposes he infiltrate the Brotherhood to determine what their exact plans are. Phoebe's none too fond of this idea, arguing that should Cole do so, he'll be risking the wrath of The Source. Cole tells her they don't have much of a choice. Phoebe pouts off under the worried gaze of her sisters.
Cut to a pan up the side of a random downtown office tower. On one of the upper floors, a severe Asian woman tells a hairy fat white guy in a suit that a problem has arisen. They're wearing black, so they're probably evil. Actually, the Asian woman is hatchet-faced, and the hairy fat guy looks like an unholy cross between Ron Jeremy and Bruce Vilanch, so I should say they're definitely evil. Eeeevil, even. Ron Vilanch asks Hatchet Face if there's a problem with the "prophets." Hatchet Face tells him no, every smelly homeless person they've drawn a bead on is dead, "including Trig's." "'Trig'?" Why am I suddenly thinking the names of the other demons run along the lines of Booter, Trippy, and Scout? Anyway, so what's the problem, Hatchet Face? "Trig's missing," she announces. She's guessing someone has stumbled upon their devious demonic plan. The man who appears to be in charge of the whole operation manipulates his liver lips to announce he doesn't think that's terribly likely. Liver Lips orders Hatchet Face to "keep searching for our brother," while he carries on with his own "assimilation." Hatchet Face sneers mirthlessly and squiggles out. Her eyes glow red and hang in the air for a bit like the Cheshire cat's smile before disappearing with the rest of her body. Pardon me while I pause to ask this, but what's with the constant mirthless sneering on the part of all of the demons on this show? You'd think they'd be having a little more fun wreaking havoc on the planet. If not, why bother getting into this line of work in the first place?
Cut back to the manor. Piper, Prue, and the Dolt stomp down the stairs to the parlor. Piper's worried -- sending Cole back to the frat house "is like sending an alcoholic to a kegger," she asserts. "It's setting him up for a fall." The Dolt limply agrees with his wife. Prue, who apparently has decided she's in favor of this spying mission, snipes that the newlyweds' Groupthink is working her last tired nerve. If Cole wants to go, he goes. Phoebe's the only other person who should have a say in the matter. No, it doesn't make sense. Piper and the Dolt should be allowed to voice concern for Cole's well-being if they wish. Whoever wrote this is just trying to riff on that whole "Power Of Four" voting crap from the pre-credits sequence. If we ignore it, maybe it will get tired of trying to bother us and walk away. Prue sends Piper and the Dolt to see if the BoS has any information on the frat boys while she herself will consult with Detective Darryl on the serial murders of the homeless.
Upstairs in the attic, Phoebe's Fun Bags are back on display. They gaze on impassively while their Biotic Support System tells Cole he can't leave. Phoebe will grant Cole's earlier wish to be stripped of his powers, and that is the end of that. She loudly and hyperactively grinds up a powder using a mortar and pestle. Cole assures her that while he'll just infiltrate and observe, he will need his powers in case the situation gets dicey. Phoebe ignores him. Cole gently places his hands over hers, eases the utensils away from her, and sets them on the table. He promises again to be careful, and proposes he check in with her once every two hours so she can be certain he's safe. Phoebe wonders how he'll be able to do this. If he squiggles, the other demons can trace it. He reminds her they won't be able to follow him if he and Phoebe agree to meet in the Mausoleum's mausoleum. "It's the second-safest place I know," he tells her. "What's the safest?" she asks. "With you," is the response. Remember that detail, so you can solve a puzzling dilemma later in this episode just like Encyclopedia Boobs here will. Clever writers. Not. Phoebe's Fun Bags heave a little sigh of resignation. Cole thinks Phoebe should be proud of him for what he's about to do. Phoebe thinks Cole's being "suicidal," and argues some more about how dangerous the whole plan is. Cole counters that he's being "good" and that they both know it's "the right thing to do." He arranges to meet her in the Mausoleum's mausoleum in two hours, kisses her hand, and squiggles out. Phoebe flails her pigtails about a bit and sighs some more.
Bi Krap Frat House in the Sky. Cole strides in, carrying a bag. Hatchet Face, Liver Lips, and Ron Vilanch turn to watch him walk in. Ron Vilanch volunteers to off Cole. Liver Lips urges caution. Demonic meet and greet. Liver Lips and Ron Vilanch get actual names - Vornack and Tarquin, respectively. Hatchet Face remains silent and glowering like the good demonette little sister from Kappa Kappa Gramma she is. Vornack addresses Cole as "Belthazor," and inquires as to the nature of his visit. The Colethazor tells them he heard of their presence in the city from the "prophets," and thought he'd stop by to help them out with "their plan." "What makes you think we have one?" Tarquin slimes through the thicket of hair on his face. "You always have a plan," the Colethazor smiles back mildly. Vornack asks, "What do you possibly have to offer to save your traitorous head?" "The prophets'," the Colethazor replies as he slides a completely fake human "head" out of his bag. The Colethazor tosses the completely fake human "head" to the floor. Moist, squishy noises hit the soundtrack as the completely fake human "head" bounces a bit like a volleyball before rolling across the carpet to Vornack's feet. Hatchet Face glances down at the completely fake human "head." Tarquin hacks through the forest of hair on his pudgy face with a machete to peer down at the completely fake human "head." The completely fake human "head" gazes up at Vornack's crotch. Vornack stares at the Colethazor. The Colethazor meets the stare, and we cut to black and commercial. Yeah, like Cole actually killed a smelly homeless guy. If you believe that, I've got a pair of tickets to Faithless at the Avalon Theater for you. Oy.
Back from the break, demonic exposition. With actual demons this time around. Vornack has Cole slammed face-down on a table. The completely fake human "head" Cole presented belonged to the fairly fake homeless "prophet" Trig had been assigned to kill. Vornack asks Cole if he saw Trig. Cole lies that he didn't and politely asks after Trig's health. Blah blah Trig's nowhere blah to blah blah be blah found. Cole smoothly notes that with prophets shouting and a frat boy missing and the other frat boys so easily found, maybe it's a good thing he showed up when he did. Why did he kill the Andrews Sisters? They were going to kill The Source, and anyone close to him or it or them. Or whatever the hell The Source is. If that's so, why did Cole go into hiding? He didn't have any evidence to back up his allegations. What about the other rumors and such? Never mind for now. Vornack sends Hatchet Face off to check on Cole's story. She squiggles out with the glowing Cheshire eyes. Please give her a real name soon, because I kind of like her. Vornack complies with my request. They'll decide what to do with the Colethazor when "Klea" returns from checking out his alibi. Vornack approaches a large flat-screen monitor displaying a rotating three-dimensional image of a city intersection labeled "Location: Pier and Pescadero. Time: 8 AM." There is neither a "Pier" nor a "Pescadero" in San Francisco, just in case you were wondering. And I know you were. Admit it. The Colethazor wonders who the boys of Bi Krap are targeting this time. Vornack tells him to mind his own business, switches off the screen, and squiggles out. Cole snarks that Vornack "always was a tight-ass." With this frat thing you've got going on, you really shouldn't give me a set-up like that one, Cole. Tarquin and the Colethazor indulge in some quality time. Aw. I bet they were in the same pledge class together. "It's nice to have you back, Belthazor," Tarquin states. "I just hope it's for good." The Colethazor smiles brightly, "Me, too."
Back in the manor, Piper worries that three and a half hours have gone by since Cole's departure, and he still hasn't contacted Phoebe. She suggests the Dolt orb over to the Mausoleum's mausoleum to check up on his sister-in-law. The Dolt thinks it better if he stay in the manor until they figure out what the Boys of Bi Krap intend to do. Prue, who's been paging through the business section of the newspaper, finds an article on the proposed merger of Lebensraum and a company called "Metasatellite." Piper wonders if "Cole is risking his life to preserve stock portfolios." Prue reads further into the article and discovers the merger would create a global monopoly that will control "the world's information flow." Do we all understand how idiotic this little plot twist is? That the various communications companies around the world are a mix of privately-held corporations and government-run entities that could never come under the umbrella of a single monopoly? That at this point in time, it would be impossible for one American corporation to "control the world's information flow"? We do? Are we sure? Good. Moving on, then. "That sounds evil in and of itself," Piper notes of the merger, and I'm inclined to agree with her, but since the very premise is fatally flawed, I say, "What. Ever." The Dolt reads that one of the executives involved in the negotiations, a Frank Pirelli, has balked at the last minute. Prue guesses the Bi Kraps are going to do something naughty to Mr. Pirelli to ensure the merger goes through. Wouldn't Federal anti-trust laws kick in to prevent the deal from going through anyway? Argh. Prue wishes they had some way of contacting Cole. Piper grits out an order to the Dolt, telling him to orb to the Mausoleum's mausoleum right away.
Mausoleum's mausoleum. Phoebe anxiously fiddles with a bottle of water as the Dolt orbs in behind her. Phoebe confirms that Cole has yet to appear and nervously attempts to reassure both the Dolt and herself that Cole's failure to meet at the scheduled time is not a sign he's returned to the Dark Side. She also feels guilty for sending him in the first place. The Dolt reminds her they didn't send him. He volunteered. This is of no comfort to Phoebe. Cole squiggles in behind the two at that moment. He tells the others he doesn't have much time. He hasn't been able to gather much information, but he does know the Bi Kraps are targeting someone or something that will be at the corner of Pier and Pescadero the morning at eight. The Dolt fills Cole in on Mr. Pirelli's hesitancy to complete the merger of Lebensraum and Metasatellite. Cole notes Bi Krap's interest in such a merger would make sense. They've already bought out an investment bank, it seems, and pushing through a telecommunications merger would be the logical step. Evil gains a foothold in the mortal world, Cole explains, by taking over that world's businesses first. Insert your own joke about your most-loathed major corporation here. Along the lines of, "So that explains why Rupert Murdoch's News Corporation allowed its 20th Century Fox subsidiary to film and release Freddy Got Fingered." Because Rupert Murdoch and Tom Green are members in good standing of the Eeeevil fraternity known as Bi Krappa Stigma. Get it? Right. The Dolt announces they must find a way to protect Mr. Pirelli until the merger vote, which is scheduled for eleven the following day. If the merger doesn't go through, Bi Krap will have been defeated. Phoebe suggests the Ps immediately involve themselves at this juncture by spiriting Pirelli away to a safe house. Cole shoots this idea down. If the Halliwells act too quickly, the Bi Kraps might deduce he's involved somehow. He suggests they wait until they can come up with a better, subtler plan of action. Cole promises to return as soon as he is able, borrows Phoebe's bottled water, and squiggles out. Phoebe looks distressed. Not as distressed as the fabric stretched across the Fun Bags, no doubt, but still.
Bi Krap Aerie. The Colethazor enters the main office, toting the bottled water. Vornack makes a couple of snippy remarks, then joins Tarquin at the 3-D model of the Intersection That Doesn't Exist. Tarquin gives an overview of the plan. The Bi Kraps will ambush the limousine carrying Pirelli to the board meeting, and one of their number will fling a Flaming Ball Of Death at it. Vornack agrees to this, but insists the Colethazor assume the FBOD duty. The kill will prove Cole's loyalty to the Bi Kraps. Vornack calls the planning session to a close, and the various demonic frat boys exit to prepare for the ambush. Cut to the Intersection That Doesn't Exist. Tarquin approaches the Colethazor, and gives him a brief pep talk. Killing is "in [their] blood," he reminds Cole. If Cole just sticks to the outlined plan, everything will be fine. Another cut follows, this to a nearby side street. The Ps, accompanied by the Dolt, natter on vaguely about the plan they've hatched to protect both Pirelli and Cole. For once, they don't give it away beforehand, but it's all so very boring I find it difficult to care one way or the other. The Dolt hopes that killing Pirelli is the Bi Kraps' only plan of action. Piper snarks that if they could trust Cole, they'd know for sure. Phoebe stops in her tracks and bitches the other three out. First, she complains, Prue couldn't vanquish Cole fast enough and now Piper wants him dead as well. They all know he's good, don't they? So leave the poor guy alone. "He's risking his life. The least we can do is trust him," she finishes. Phoebe stalks off down the street, and after a beat, the others follow in silence.
Back at the Intersection That Doesn't Exist, Vornack checks his watch, and announces the time has come to fry up a little CEO. He orders a lackey into a car, and then steps off to the side to watch the plot unfold. As the lackey revs the engine, Kappa Kappa Klea squiggles in beside Vornack. Her Cheshire eyes precede the rest of her, of course, which I think is just nifty. Of course, this episode has been so frigging boring thus far, watching paint dry would probably amuse me at this point. Kappa Kappa Klea announces she "can't prove [Cole's] story one way or the other." Vornack replies it doesn't matter; Cole will have a chance to prove himself presently. They stride up to stand with Cole and Tarquin. Kappa Kappa Klea shoots daggers at Cole with her Cheshire eyes. The four turn to watch Pirelli's limousine exiting an underground parking garage. The lackey guns the engine and zips off down the street to block the limousine's path. Pirelli's chauffeur leaps from the driver's seat to rant at the lackey, ordering him to "move the car. NOW!" Vornack, Tarquin, and Kappa Kappa Klea stare expectantly at Cole. "Kill or be killed," Vornack orders, and Cole steps into the middle of the street. The lackey studiously ignores the chauffeur's demands, then scampers away from the scene. The Colethazor conjures an FBOD in his right hand, and prepares to toss it at the limo. He flings it just as the Ps and the Dolt round the corner at the opposite end of the street. Piper quickly freezes everything. Hooting from the gals as they urge the Dolt to hurry it up with his part of the plan. The Dolt scoots into the limo's back seat, grabs Pirelli's arm, and orbs out with the businessman. The three Ps then stride past the frozen demons. Phoebe suggests they take Cole along with them. Prue reminds Phoebe they must leave him at the scene. Cole "has to look innocent after the fact," she explains. "He's got to figure a way out on his own." Phoebe pauses to slip a folded strip of paper into Cole's jacket pocket, strokes his face, and rejoins her sisters.
Prue and Phoebe scuttle behind a stucco wall behind the frozen demons as Piper leans out and unfreezes everything in the street. The FBOD slams into the hood of the limo, knocking the chauffeur to the ground. The initial impact is followed by a general explosion. Prue, Piper, and Phoebe watch for a moment, then dart off. Vornack tells Kappa Kappa Klea to retrieve Pirelli's body from the wreckage. She Cheshire squiggles out. Cole wonders why Vornack wants Pirelli's remains. Vornack tells Cole should "the humans" find Pirelli's corpse, "it might alert them to the switch." Cole: Whuh? Vornack passes a hand in front of his face, morphs into Pirelli, smirks, and squiggles away. Vorelli squiggles back in to the shattered limousine. Bodyguards hoist him to his feet and shove him into a van, which tears off away from the accident. Tarquin crosses to Cole's side to congratulate him on a clean kill. You can just feel the "fraternal" love here, people. Kappa Kappa Klea squiggles back in to note Pirelli's body is missing. She glares accusingly at Cole, who avoids her gaze guiltily.
Manor. The Dolt enters the parlor to tell the Ps Pirelli is safely tucked away in the basement. He's slipped Pirelli one of Phoebe's "sleeping potions," so the CEO should be out for a while. Prue switches on the television to see "if the kidnapping made the morning news." She channel-surfs onto a press conference given by Vorelli, who's saying, "It's no coincidence that just last night…I decided to support this merger. Now someone's tried to kill me." Vorelli tells the assembled press that the attempt on his life has convinced him he's made the correct decision: the merger will go through. Prue, not knowing of the "switch," but quickly guessing what has just happened, shakes her head back and forth in gaping disbelief. "What was that about Cole telling us everything?" Piper snits, as Phoebe lowers her gaze in dismay. Shut up, Piper. Now. Or I'll force you to sit through an endless loop of Faithless down at the Avalon Theater, okay? Rrrgh. Commercial.
Back from the break, more bickering among the three Ps about Cole's supposed return to the Dark Side. Piper's convinced that Cole's reverted to his demonic ways now that he's back in the arms of the loving Bi Kraps. Phoebe is just as convinced he hasn't. Prue's straddling the center of the argument, and suggests they stop with the bickering to formulate a "Plan B" now that Vorelli's in charge of Lebensraum. Phoebe insists she head to the Mausoleum's mausoleum to let Cole know what they're doing. The slip of paper she shoved into his jacket was a note telling Cole to meet her there after the ambush. Prue hesitantly agrees, but exacts a promise from Phoebe. If Cole doesn't show, Phoebe is to return immediately to the manor. Phoebe agrees and exits. Piper sighs, asking Prue if she actually has a Plan B at this point. Prue replies, "It's in the freezer," and leads Piper and the Dolt to the kitchen. Once there, she opens the fridge to retrieve the Tupperware container holding the slice of Belthazor pepperoni they obtained way back in "Power Outage." "Ew!" shrieks Piper. "You kept that this long? That's disgusting." Disgusting or not, as Cole and the Bi Kraps have bonded by blood, a potion designed to vanquish him will vanquish the Bi Kraps as well. Piper suspiciously notes, "How lucky that we had the key ingredient in our freezer." Prue cops to lingering doubts about Cole. She kept the Belthazor slice "in case [they] needed it again some day." She scoops the flesh out of the container with a fork and plops it wetly on the counter. Ick.
Bi Krap Aerie. Cole's well-manicured fingers slide Phoebe's note from his jacket pocket as Vorelli and Kappa Kappa Klea squiggle in behind him. Vorelli crosses to Tarquin, intoning, "If the real Pirelli shows up here, we're dead." Tarquin guesses, "Someone removed the body." Vorelli morphs back into Vornack and seethes, "That's impossible." Kappa Kappa Klea suspects magic is involved. Vornack asks the Colethazor for his opinion on the issue. The Colethazor cautiously agrees with Kappa Kappa Klea, smoothly smarming that witches must be involved and the Bi Kraps have sprung a leak. Vornack suggests that the Colethazor himself is that leak. Tarquin leaps to his defense, but the Colethazor dismisses the idea. "I'm not stupid enough to come back home and betray you, all in one day," he notes. "That's not stupid," sneers Kappa Kappa Klea. "That's smart." Vornack agrees, and brings up the issue of the rumors attendant on Cole's recent disappearance. Is it true Cole fell in love with a witch? Yes, he did indeed fall in love with a witch. Tarquin looks crushed. Poor Tarquin. There are other fish in the sea, you freakish, flabby hairball from hell. Not that any of them would give you the time of day, you realize, but still. The Colethazor admits that his "human half" still loves the witch in question, but he now recognizes the entire exercise in cross-species dating "was a mistake." Kappa Kappa Klea notes, "Raynor will demand [Cole] die for his treason." The Colethazor promises to "salvage the operation," thereby redeeming himself in "Raynor's" eyes. He reveals that Piper has the ability to freeze things, and suggests the Halliwells could have yanked Pirelli from the limousine without the demonic cohort realizing what happened. Which she did. Because we all just watched it happen. God, this is dull. Vornack finds this all very convenient. The Colethazor proposes he "go to the witches" himself and snatch back Pirelli to prove himself once again. Vornack hesitates. "Are you saving us, brother, or leading us into a trap?" he asks. He mulls this idea over briefly, then orders the Colethazor to proceed with his plan. Cole squiggles out. Vornack instructs Kappa Kappa Klea to follow. "If he's telling the truth, help him," he tells her. "If not, kill him." Kappa Kappa Klea smirks and Cheshires her way out of the Bi Krap Aerie.
Mausoleum's mausoleum. Inside, Phoebe tensely paces back and forth. Cole squiggles in. He's in Colethazor mode, which Phoebe does not immediately notice. He asks her where she's hidden Pirelli. She allows the sisters have the CEO stashed away in the manor basement. Kappa Kappa Klea's Cheshire eyes squiggle in, the better to furtively spy on the Colethazor. The Colethazor asks Phoebe what the sisters have planned. They intend to vanquish Vorelli, she tells him. The Colethazor thinks this a stupid idea, and orders Phoebe to stay away from any and all Bi Kraps. Phoebe, confused and beginning to think Piper might be right about her boyfriend's betrayal, asks Cole what's wrong. "You're scaring me," she admits. "You should be scared," he icily replies. "You have no idea what you're up against." Phoebe, aghast yet defiant, "Don't I?" Kappa Kappa Klea's Cheshire eyes dance in the shadows. The Colethazor orders Phoebe to return to the manor to await further instruction from him. He then squiggles out, leaving Phoebe to fret in dismay. The Cheshire Eyes of Kappa Kappa Klea take this in, then squiggle out.
Manor. Phoebe returns from the Mausoleum's mausoleum and fills Piper and Prue in on Cole's odd behavior. Piper takes this as a sign "he's turned." Phoebe, still not jumping on the Faithless bandwagon, insists Cole hasn't. He must be in some sort of trouble, but she's certain his behavior is part of some strategy he's devised for himself. Before they can carry on further in this over-mined vein, three Bi Kraps squiggle into the parlor. The one in the middle tosses an FBOD at Prue, who TKs it back on to the Bi Krap on the left. He wails and moans and disappears into a veil of fire. The Bi Krap on the right moves to attack Phoebe. She kicks him into a back flip to the floor. Prue TKs the remaining Bi Krap into an upright piano. An upright piano so shoddily constructed, it disintegrates completely when the Bi Krap crashes into it. The frat boys rise to their feet to be frozen by Piper. Phoebe: "How do they know where we live?" Piper: "Um, derr, you halfwit." Not really, but that's what she means. Prue calls for the Dolt, who runs in from the kitchen with two vials of the violet Belthazor vanquishing liquid. He passes them to Piper and Prue, who fling them to the floor at the feet of the frozen frat boys. More wailing and screaming as the Bi Kraps contort and melt and vanish in wisps of black smoke. Prue thinks the encounter was "too easy," then panics when she realizes they've left Pirelli unprotected. The four rush to the basement, arriving just in time to witness the Colethazor and Tarquin squiggling out with the unconscious CEO hanging limply between them. Piper, referring to Cole, directs a snipe Phoebe's way. "What do you think now?" Commercial.
Back from the break, Phoebe photogenically stares bleakly through one of the sun porch windows. Prue, Piper, and the Dolt enter from the kitchen carrying more vials of the violet vanquishing potion. Phoebe sullenly asks Prue why she kept the Belthazor pepperoni. Prue admits she didn't "trust Cole until recently." Phoebe wonders if Prue really believes Cole would try to kill the three of them again. Piper replies that given his track record and the events of the last twelve hours, it's entirely possible. Phoebe is now the only one of the four not on the Faithless bandwagon. Prue tells Phoebe that vanquishing Vorelli is now their only option. Phoebe reminds them that Cole told her such action would be a grievous error on their part. She believes Cole's come up with a Plan B of his own, and his abduction of Pirelli from the basement is part of it. The others don't agree, but Prue tells Phoebe this by dredging up that "Power Of Four" voting thing again with, "The vote's three to one." Just let it crawl away and die already. Jesus. Prue announces they're ready to leave the manor for Lebensraum's corporate offices. Is Phoebe joining them?
Bi Krap Aerie. Vornack storms through the office, bitching about the three vanquished frat boys. He demands to know what went wrong with the operation. How did the Halliwells know to have a vanquishing potion on hand? The Colethazor has no idea, and Kappa Kappa Klea backs him up to an extent. She confirms the Colethazor told Phoebe nothing more than to return to the manor. While such instruction "might have been a code," she saw nothing to suggest the Colethazor is acting in collusion with the Ps. Vornack asks where Pirelli is now. The Colethazor refuses to tell him. He wants to be certain Vornack won't kill him, and is using Pirelli as insurance. Tarquin assures Vornack that Pirelli is in the Colethazor's custody, but Vornack isn't sure he can trust any of his underlings at this point. He halts further discussion of the matter for the moment, as he has to return to Lebensraum's corporate office for the vote on the merger. He starts to squiggle out, but the Colethazor stops him. Vornack himself is now in danger, now that the Halliwells know what's really going on. If he returns to Lebensraum Tower, they very well might vanquish him. Vornack considers this, then asks, "But will they vanquish you?"
Lebensraum Tower. Prue TKs the boardroom doors open allowing the three Ps to enter. "The vote's in, demon guy, and you lose," Piper announces. A chair swivels around to face them, revealing Cole. Shocked? No, neither was I. Piper's hands are in freeze position, but she stops herself. The three Ps cautiously approach Cole. Prue wonders where the demon is. Sitting in front of you, honey. Oh, she means Vorelli. Cole tells her the demon sent Cole in his stead. "I think it's a test," he adds. "I think he's onto us." Prue with the "What's this 'us' shit?" Cole thought they were working together on this thing. This is news to Piper. She orders him to take them all to Pirelli. Cole rises warily to his feet, reassuring them that Pirelli is "safe." Prue, conciliatory: "Cole, where is he?" Cole, warily: "Where else would he be?" Encyclopedia Boobs, contrivedly: "The safest place you know?" After a pause during which Cole nods his head, Encyclopedia Boobs suggests the Mausoleum's mausoleum. Colenack - for that is who he is - confirms this. "Isn't that what we agreed to?" Encyclopedia Boobs: NOT! She flings the vanquish vial at Colenack's feet. Colenack gasps, morphs back into Vornack, then melts to the floor before disappearing into the black mist. Piper asks Phoebe how she knew Cole was really Vornack in disguise. She fills them in on where Cole's "safest place" really is. Cole himself squiggles in at that moment and reels out his side of the story. He had to give the impression he'd gone back to his wicked, wicked ways so the sisters would have the motivation to vanquish any member of the fraternity, including himself. He asks for their forgiveness. Phoebe babytalks her way into his arms, telling him she never really doubted him. They kiss, but what's this? The Cheshire Eyes of Kappa Kappa Klea have been watching the entire time. That minx. And how fucking stupid is Cole for confirming his role in the plot, given Kappa Kappa Klea's penchant for eavesdropping? That's right. Incredibly stupid. Cole suggests they have the Dolt orb Pirelli from the Mausoleum's mausoleum to Lebensraum Tower for the merger vote. Piper wonders why Cole can't squiggle over himself. He has to go back to the Bi Krap Aerie to "cover [his] tracks." He promises to have everything sewn up in time for Phoebe's graduation party that evening and squiggles out.
Bi Krap Aerie. Tarquin bitches along the lines of "the best-laid plans of mice and demons." He notes that "Raynor expects a full accounting" of the mission's failure, and wonders what they will tell him. The Colethazor instructs Tarquin to remind Raynor the Colethazor warned against Vornack confronting the witches, but his advice fell on deaf ears. He then tells Tarquin he has to leave to continue his search for proof of the Andrews Sisters' duplicity in order to clear his name with The Source. Tarquin reveals that Raynor expects the mission report to come from the Colethazor himself. Cole turns to leave as Kappa Kappa Klea and Ian Buchanan squiggle in to the office. What the hell is with these cameos from General Hospital people? Kappa Kappa Klea snitched on Cole to the dean, it seems, and the dean is Duke Lavery. Duke Lavery hurls a Flaming Ball Of You Will Be Unconscious Now, Yes? into Cole's back. Cole drops to the floor. Tarquin, to Duke Lavery: "You were right, Raynor." Duke Lavery shatners, "Belthazor. Has much to explain. And much. To answer for." Glad to see Ian's mad acting skillz have improved so much from his stint in Port Charles. Not. Many thanks to Aaron for adding the verb "to shatner" to my vocabulary, by the way. Kappa Kappa Klea smirks. The camera pulls into a terrifying close up of Ian Buchanan's lizard-like mug. A shot of Cole, passed out on the floor. The soundtrack reverberates with noise of the "DUN-dun-dun-dun-DUN-dun-dun-dun" sort. I'd care, but this episode has been so dreadfully dull, I just want it to end.
No such luck. Cut to P3AD, where Phoebe's graduation party is in full swing. Phoebe embraces one of her classmates, then sadly moves through the bar looking for Cole. Her graduation wear is a tight, white satin corset with a matching seed pearl choker around her neck. The Fun Bags must be in a world of pain inside that thing. Prue's unfettered bosoms are having an easier time of it. So easy, the left one is inches away from emerging and greeting the various guests itself. Prue crosses to Piper and the Dolt at the bar. Piper glooms, "Why can't we throw a party or have a wedding or just live our lives without evil screwing it up?" Because you're witches, you whiny little shrike. It's in the job description. Paragraph eight, section fourteen, subsection 2(d): "Any and all attempts to enjoy yourselves will be prevented repeatedly by dark demonic forces sent from the flaming maw of Hell." You could look it up. Prue's certain Phoebe's little funk will lift once Cole makes an appearance. The Dolt thinks an appearance by Cole might not be possible. Prue fixes a gentle smile on her face and crosses to Phoebe. Taking Phoebe's hands in her own, she says, "Whatever happens, he did the right thing." Piper adds, "He proved he was good." Phoebe's having none of this. "At what cost?" she demands. Her lips are violently red. She waxes Piperesque with the "Why can't I have a normal life?" crap we had to put up with all season before Piper and the Dolt managed to pull off their wedding. Phoebe? See the line from the job description above and Suck. It. Up. "Yesterday," Phoebe notes, when she was about to graduate and Cole wanted to rid himself of his demonic side "everything was perfect." "Today, it's all fallen apart," she bleats. "Where is he?" A round of downcast looks. Sad reeds vibrate on the soundtrack. Prue places a reassuring hand on Phoebe's cheek as the plaintive plinking of a piano takes us to black. Finally. Christ.
Those of you on the forums who have been wondering when Piper will get her new power should be pleased with week's episode. The power appears to be the ability to blow things up at inopportune moments, but hey. A gal can't have everything, can she?