Episode Report Card Demian: C | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT The Demon Who Came In From Thzzzzzzzzzzz
By Demian | Season 3 | Episode 19 | Aired on 04.25.2001
Cole opens his eyes in the middle of the kiss in that reptilian way he has of indicating, "Something wicked this way comes." Said something wicked appears to be in the form of an addle-pated homeless gentleman, who emerges from an alleyway, screaming, "Prepare for the Brotherhood! The Thorn is coming!" Phoebe asks Cole if he's acquainted with the addle-pated homeless gentleman. Cole allows he's not, "but if he doesn't watch what he's saying…." Before Cole can finish his sentence, we see what happens to naughty homeless people who scream nonsense into the street. A not-long-for-this-world demon squiggles in behind the homeless gent and drags him back into the alley. Hey! I thought only Cole could squiggle. Phoebe darts down the sidewalk past the gyrating silver blob as Cole yells at her to be careful. She bounds into the alley just as the not-long-for-this-world demon slices the homeless gent's throat open with a dagger. Sorry. "Athemay." Phoebe screams, "No!" as the not-long-for-this-world demon lets the lifeless form of the homeless gent drop to the ground. The not-long-for-this-world demon hurls a Flaming Ball Of Death at Phoebe. She dodges it with a forward somersault, and the FBOD vanquishes some stacked shipping pallets. Heh. "Stacked." Not as stacked as Phoebe, if you know what I mean. Anyway, Phoebe lays the smackdown upon the not-long-for-this-world demon, eventually plunging the dagger into his chest. Sorry. Again. "Athemay." He squeals like a -- well, like a stuck demon, actually, and disappears in a fireball. Cole enters the alley just in time to observe the disappearance. "Where were you?" Phoebe demands, spinning about to chide her supposed boyfriend for leaving her alone in a dangerous situation. "What happened to you?" she continues. Cole glances down, then raises his head to eye her directly. "You just vanquished my brother." Well, that's one less person they have to accommodate at the wedding. Oh, and: "The hell?" Though, knowing this show, the answer to that is likely, "Yes. Precisely." Phoebe soundlessly begins to mutter an apology, but really, what are the appropriate words in such a situation? Cole parts his pouty lips a bit as if to continue, and we cut to the credits.
That "Put on a Happy Face" Discover card ad chaps my ass.
Oh, but not as much as Stevie Nicks chaps it. Nope. Not by a long shot. Speaking of long shots and Stevie Nicks, there's an endless series of nighttime aerial views of the city accompanied by the latest atrocity that cokehead in chiffon has seen fit to inflict on the ears of America. I actually went back and listened to the lyrics twice to see if they had any sort of relevance to the evening's plot. As far as I can tell, they don't, but between Chiffoned Cokehead's crappy diction and her astounding failure to grasp the difficult concept of "Lyrics That Make Sense" when writing songs, I could be wrong. But I'm not going back to check again. Ever. Manor dining room. Phoebe barges in from the kitchen, bitching Cole out for keeping pertinent information about his family life from her. About this point the first time I watched this episode, I was getting mighty stoked to see Cole's demonic shrew of a mother before the hour was out. Having her fly in to rain torture and torment on the heads of those who killed her baby, only to have her deeply-conflicted other son send her on her merrily flaming way back to Hell. Wouldn't that have been fun? Huh? Well, it doesn't happen. Not tonight at any rate. On with the exposition, then, shall we? "You just forgot you had a brother?" Phoebe splutters as she crosses into the sun porch. "He's not that kind of brother," Cole replies, tagging along after her. "It's complicated," he continues. Phoebe announces that she can't stand the word "complicated." Piper, Prue, and the Dolt enter through the front door at that moment, with Piper whining about having to leave the theater just before "find[ing] out who the real killer is." "Well, I'm the real killer," Phoebe announces. O.J. pauses long enough from beating his latest girlfriend with a five iron to rejoice. Ow. Did I just yank out a lame mid-90s reference? I'm getting as bad as the people who write for this show. Phoebe fills the others in on the untimely demise of Cole's "brother." "Whoah!" from Prue. "This is so much better than the movie!" Snerk. Phoebe also allows they "lost an innocent," and carries on about the homeless gent's ranting. The Dolt perks upon hearing the "Brotherhood" bit and asks, "The Brotherhood of the Thorn?" Yeah. In my side. The thorn, not the brotherhood. Cole confirms this, and reveals he's been a card-carrying member of the association in question since the McKinley administration or thereabouts. The Dolt exposits the Brotherhood is "an elite gang" of demons, hand-picked by The Source and answerable only to him. Or it. Or them, or whatever the hell The Source is. Prospective members of the Brotherhood must "swear a blood oath," thus the whole Phoebe-vanquished-Cole's-"brother" thing. I bet they have to perform a slew of other sordid tasks, like submissively scrubbing the bathroom with toothbrushes while wearing nothing but dog collars and boxer shorts and submitting to ritual paddlings while clenching carrots between the cheeks of their rear ends and whatnot, but I avoided the Greek system like the plague when I was in college. So I really can't say.
Anyway, Cole supposes the Brotherhood is "surfacing," which is the real problem confronting the ladies of Halliwell Manor. Piper wonders why the demonic frat boys would go after crazy homeless people, but she calls them "street prophets." Cole tells her some crazy homeless people are, in fact, "magical seers" who can predict future events. However, because homeless people - even those of the magical sort -- smell like the ass-end of a hyena, mortals tend to ignore them and their rantings. There's a grizzled, chainsmoking, sixtysomething bag lady who sits in a doorway outside Clarke's Diner on Belmont Avenue who yells at passersby, "You wanna see my pussy? You DO! You want to see my PUSSY!" Think she's trying to tell us all something? Cole's willing to bet there's been a recent rash of slayings of the homeless in San Francisco. Prue wonders what the brothers of Bi Krappa Stigma plan to do. Cole hasn't a clue. "I'm not exactly a member in good standing anymore," he reminds her. Phoebe turns to note that, before he died, the sliced-up homeless gent was nattering on about a company named "Luxoram" or "Lexerom" or something. No one in this episode ever clearly articulates the name, so in keeping with this frat thing I'm calling it "Lebensraum." Piper wonders what the boys of Bi Krap want with an "Internet service provider." Prue can't imagine but sets her sisters to research, Phoebe on the Internet and Piper in the Book of Shadows. Cole, from deep within a wicker chair on the porch, tells them not to bother. Bi Krap's a little beyond the reach of the Ps' "kick, freeze, and magical moves." "No offense," he adds. "Some taken," Piper brats, but the Dolt agrees with Cole. Prue wonders what they're to do, given the nature of their newfound enemies. Cole proposes he infiltrate the Brotherhood to determine what their exact plans are. Phoebe's none too fond of this idea, arguing that should Cole do so, he'll be risking the wrath of The Source. Cole tells her they don't have much of a choice. Phoebe pouts off under the worried gaze of her sisters.