Episode Report Card Demian: B | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Sin Francisco
By Demian | Season 3 | Episode 18 | Aired on 04.18.2001
Scantily-clad Kerr Smith in a fleabag motel. "Rated R for Strong Violence/Gore, Language, Sexuality." April 27th at a theater near me, you say? I am so there.
"Accident" aftermath. Detective Darryl and two other police investigators quiz the bus driver. The suit gets a name: "Robert Pike." A rather attractive cop quizzes Phoebe. I happened to pause the tape at this point, and the cop looks like he's shoved a couple of socks down the front of his pants. It's either that or -- to quote Madeline Kahn -- "Woof!" Further along, Prue gazes on in an approximation of stunned horror and grief as coroner's assistants prepare to load the very dead Mr. Pike into an ambulance. Darryl saunters over to her, noting the police often see "suicides" of this nature. Prue insists that it wasn't suicide. Pike was "demonically driven into the street," she asserts, and reminds Darryl that she has more than enough experience in such matters to know of what she speaks. Darryl gives her the rundown on the deceased. Pike was a very successful investment broker and philanthropist, married with two kids. Prue announces that "something must have changed him," and shows Darryl the box Pike died for, which she has stowed away in her purse. A couple of bath beads glow dully inside. Darryl asks Prue if she knows what the bath beads really are. She doesn't, she allows, but she's certain they're dangerous. Over in Phoebe's neck of the street, Officer Package finishes up his questioning by asking Phoebe out on a date. Her face breaks into a toothy grin and she snickers a bit in embarrassment. She turns him down gently, telling him she already has a boyfriend. "I'm not surprised," he replies mildly, grinning back at her. Darryl interrupts the unseemly flirtation, and Phoebe moves to Prue's side. Phoebe asks Prue if she's okay. Prue regrets that they weren't able to save Pike. Phoebe supposes there was nothing they could do without knowing more about Lukas and what the bath beads really are. I raise my hand to point out that, had Piper been present, she could have frozen the whole scene before the "bus" "plowed" into "Pike," but these people never listen to me anyway.
Prue and Phoebe head off to return to the manor for some research as we cut to what Pyewacket on the boards so aptly called the Evil Carnival of Schlock. Inside, Lukas himself holds the Demonic Dealer in a mid-air chokehold, and is in the middle of bitching him out for losing the bath beads. Lukas looks like a low-rent Kenickie from the Joliet State Correctional Facility's all-male production of Grease, but he thankfully does not speak with a British accent. "I thought you were going to work on controlling your anger," the Demonic Dealer splutters meekly from above. Snerk. Kenickie drops him to the floor and launches into some heavily-condensed (read: "awkwardly-worded") exposition. Kenickie, whose life was "destroyed by sin," must spend eternity "inflicting sin on others." The box contains Greed, Envy, Anger, Lust, Sloth, Gluttony, and Pride: The Seven Deadly Bath Beads. Kenickie infects unsuspecting innocents with the Deadly Bath Beads, then delivers their souls to Hell when the Deadly Bath Beads kill the innocents. For reasons unknown, he must deliver the souls in matching groups of seven. Greed is covered, because of the "accident" involving Pike, and the dead man's soul now resides in a glowing crystal. However, Kenickie has to retrieve the remaining Deadly Bath Beads from the Halliwells before The Source stomps his ass. He stumbles upon a cunning plan: the Seven Deadly Bath Beads feed on "human desires," and "witches have human desires too," so he will infect the Halliwells with a couple of the Bath Beads. Just go with it. It will be so much easier on your brain if you do. Kenickie decides he no longer requires the services of the rather inept Demonic Dealer, and so shoots Glowing Rays of Orange Death the Demonic Dealer's way. Demonic Dealer wails, then explodes into a fireball. "Whew," Kenickie sighs. "I needed to vent." I hate you already, Kenickie.
You'd think that would be enough exposition for one goddamned episode. You'd be thinking wrong. Manor hall. Phoebe and Prue enter, and Prue pulls the box of Deadly Bath Beads from her purse. She intends to pop it open to investigate. Phoebe chides her, telling her to wait until Piper is present so Prue "won't go running into the street and get hit by a bus too." If that's a possibility, then don't wait, Prue. Open it! Open it now! She doesn't. Damn. Phoebe, who's wearing what appears to be a lavender strapless bra under a tackily-embroidered sky blue vest that is barely pinned together just over her cleavage, storms into the kitchen. There she finds Piper rolling sushi. Despite the supposed urgency of her mission, Phoebe pauses long enough for some more exposition with Piper. Piper's turned into quite the little hausfrau since the wedding. Her hours off-duty from P3 and witchcraft are spent catering to the Dolt's many needs. Exclusively. But she doesn't mind. Nope, not Piper. Not one bit. She actually likes "taking care of him, and cooking for him, and dressing up for him." As a matter of fact, she was just thinking about buying some new clothes for him. "You know, to de-flannel him a little." Total shout-out, but I don't care. Where is the real Piper, and what insidious force of evil has replaced her with this Stepford Wife? Phoebe jokingly asks if Piper is "afraid [she's] going to lose" the Dolt. Phoebe greets the downcast silence from her sister with disbelief. It seems Piper is still frightened that The Powers That Be will find an excuse to tear the Dolt away from her again. "There was nothing in [our] wedding vows that said 'They' still couldn't break us apart," she explains. She's determined not to provide either TPTB or the Dolt with a reason to end the marriage. Phoebe shifts the topic of conversation to the issue at hand. She fills Piper in on that morning's "accident," tells Piper she and Prue need her, and exits to the parlor. Piper purses her lips a bit and follows.