P3AD. Phoebe's Fun Bags in a lovely (not) sleeveless pink top clear a path through a crowd of gyrating yuppies to the bar. Once there, they allow their owner -- or do they own her? -- time for a brief confab with Prue, Piper, and the Dolt. The conversation is structured so we're to think something demonic is afoot, with a lot of "We're in trouble" joined by "I don't think we have enough time" countered with "We've been in tighter jams than this" bandied about. It's all nonsense. The fearsome foursome is actually making plans to go see a movie. Ha. Ha. Barf. Piper and the Dolt want to go see a "thriller." Prue and the humanoid supporting Phoebe's Fun Bags want to see some "foreign film at the Avalon." The biotic support system for Phoebe's Fun Bags is particularly exercised about this decision, as it wants to "stop thinking about Cole and his demon-dodging, not be reminded of it" this evening. The foreign film is entitled Faithless, by the way. Get it? You will. Anyway, Prue and The Biotic Support System For Phoebe's Fun Bags are surprised Piper is siding with her husband. "Welcome to the Power Of Four," Piper smiles. The Dolt beams playfully. Shut up, both of you.
The "banter" is interrupted by the arrival of Cole. Cole doesn't look very happy, for reasons I assume will be beaten to death long before the end of the episode. The Biotic Support System For Phoebe's Fun Bags makes its way over to Cole, and greets him with a cautious, "Hey." Phoebe's Fun Bags demand to be crushed against Cole's chest, and their Biotic Support System willingly obliges. Cole apologizes for being away from the Fun Bags for so extended a period of time, explaining he didn't want to return until he was "sure it was safe" for him to do so. The Fun Bags place pressure on the rib cage of their Biotic Support System, compressing its chest cavity to force air from its lungs up through its neck, where the vocal cords vibrate, "Are you sure it's safe now?" Cole reassures the Fun Bags he is, indeed, sure it is safe now. The Fun Bags order their Biotic Support System to return to the bar with Cole in tow. It complies. Noises of greeting from Prue, Piper, and the Dolt. The Dolt asks Cole if he'd like to join them all in a movie. Cole would rather get some alone time with the Fun Bags. Nudge-nudge, wink-wink. Only without the nudging and the winking. The Fun Bags find this an excellent idea and leave the bar immediately, dragging Cole and their Biotic Support System out the door after them. "Look at Phoebe and Cole, trying to be a normal couple," Piper sighs. Yeah, shut up, missy. You're the one who married a reanimated corpse. Prue tells her to cram it, and gathers her belongings from the bar, resigned to see the "thriller" after all. I hope it's not The Forsaken. I heard that movie just sucks.
“ Ritchie Cunningham gets the Academy Award nominations, and Potsie gets Phoebe and her Fun Bags. ”
Cut to a silvery blob in a silver lam tuxedo gyrating on the sidewalk. No, I don't understand why it's there. Ask Potsie. He did direct this episode, after all. Ritchie Cunningham gets the Academy Award nominations, and Potsie gets Phoebe and her Fun Bags. Is that justice, I ask you? Oh, yeah. I guess it is. Phoebe, having wrested control of her body from the Fun Bags, exposits she's happy Cole could return in time for her graduation ceremony. Cole replies that he "wouldn't miss that for the world." He pauses a bit, then glums, "Or the end of the world." Phoebe senses the sadness, and asks what's wrong. Briefly, San Francisco is never terribly safe for him, what with the Source-ordered bounty on his head for killing the Andrews Sisters all those many episodes ago, and frankly, he's tired of squiggling from plane of existence to plane of existence to avoid being captured. "I'm half-human, so I can't go back, and I'm half-demon, so there isn't really a place for me in your world either." Those in the audience who just emerged from a yearlong coma after their SUVs rolled over on the Interstate thank you for reminding them of that, Cole. Old buddy of mine. Phoebe's expression betrays her concern that Cole is about to dump her sorry ass right there on the sidewalk. No farewell fornication for the Feebs? Cole eyes her and states, "It'scomplicated. But it doesn't have to be -- not with magic on our side." Phoebe is not following his line of thinking. He draws her a detailed map, complete with cunning little etchings depicting the various interesting natural landmarks along the way. If Phoebe comes up with a spell to drain him of his demonic resources, he can live out his life as a regular Joe and need never worry about placing Phoebe in harm's way again. Phoebe is delighted. "You would do that for me?" she asks, yanking on his lapels to draw him down into a kiss. Didn't he just say he would? I think the Fun Bags are sucking the blood from your brain, sweetie.
Cole opens his eyes in the middle of the kiss in that reptilian way he has of indicating, "Something wicked this way comes." Said something wicked appears to be in the form of an addle-pated homeless gentleman, who emerges from an alleyway, screaming, "Prepare for the Brotherhood! The Thorn is coming!" Phoebe asks Cole if he's acquainted with the addle-pated homeless gentleman. Cole allows he's not, "but if he doesn't watch what he's saying." Before Cole can finish his sentence, we see what happens to naughty homeless people who scream nonsense into the street. A not-long-for-this-world demon squiggles in behind the homeless gent and drags him back into the alley. Hey! I thought only Cole could squiggle. Phoebe darts down the sidewalk past the gyrating silver blob as Cole yells at her to be careful. She bounds into the alley just as the not-long-for-this-world demon slices the homeless gent's throat open with a dagger. Sorry. "Athemay." Phoebe screams, "No!" as the not-long-for-this-world demon lets the lifeless form of the homeless gent drop to the ground. The not-long-for-this-world demon hurls a Flaming Ball Of Death at Phoebe. She dodges it with a forward somersault, and the FBOD vanquishes some stacked shipping pallets. Heh. "Stacked." Not as stacked as Phoebe, if you know what I mean. Anyway, Phoebe lays the smackdown upon the not-long-for-this-world demon, eventually plunging the dagger into his chest. Sorry. Again. "Athemay." He squeals like a -- well, like a stuck demon, actually, and disappears in a fireball. Cole enters the alley just in time to observe the disappearance. "Where were you?" Phoebe demands, spinning about to chide her supposed boyfriend for leaving her alone in a dangerous situation. "What happened to you?" she continues. Cole glances down, then raises his head to eye her directly. "You just vanquished my brother." Well, that's one less person they have to accommodate at the wedding. Oh, and: "The hell?" Though, knowing this show, the answer to that is likely, "Yes. Precisely." Phoebe soundlessly begins to mutter an apology, but really, what are the appropriate words in such a situation? Cole parts his pouty lips a bit as if to continue, and we cut to the credits.
That "Put on a Happy Face" Discover card ad chaps my ass.
Oh, but not as much as Stevie Nicks chaps it. Nope. Not by a long shot. Speaking of long shots and Stevie Nicks, there's an endless series of nighttime aerial views of the city accompanied by the latest atrocity that cokehead in chiffon has seen fit to inflict on the ears of America. I actually went back and listened to the lyrics twice to see if they had any sort of relevance to the evening's plot. As far as I can tell, they don't, but between Chiffoned Cokehead's crappy diction and her astounding failure to grasp the difficult concept of "Lyrics That Make Sense" when writing songs, I could be wrong. But I'm not going back to check again. Ever. Manor dining room. Phoebe barges in from the kitchen, bitching Cole out for keeping pertinent information about his family life from her. About this point the first time I watched this episode, I was getting mighty stoked to see Cole's demonic shrew of a mother before the hour was out. Having her fly in to rain torture and torment on the heads of those who killed her baby, only to have her deeply-conflicted other son send her on her merrily flaming way back to Hell. Wouldn't that have been fun? Huh? Well, it doesn't happen. Not tonight at any rate. On with the exposition, then, shall we? "You just forgot you had a brother?" Phoebe splutters as she crosses into the sun porch. "He's not that kind of brother," Cole replies, tagging along after her. "It's complicated," he continues. Phoebe announces that she can't stand the word "complicated." Piper, Prue, and the Dolt enter through the front door at that moment, with Piper whining about having to leave the theater just before "find[ing] out who the real killer is." "Well, I'm the real killer," Phoebe announces. O.J. pauses long enough from beating his latest girlfriend with a five iron to rejoice. Ow. Did I just yank out a lame mid-90s reference? I'm getting as bad as the people who write for this show. Phoebe fills the others in on the untimely demise of Cole's "brother." "Whoah!" from Prue. "This is so much better than the movie!" Snerk. Phoebe also allows they "lost an innocent," and carries on about the homeless gent's ranting. The Dolt perks upon hearing the "Brotherhood" bit and asks, "The Brotherhood of the Thorn?" Yeah. In my side. The thorn, not the brotherhood. Cole confirms this, and reveals he's been a card-carrying member of the association in question since the McKinley administration or thereabouts. The Dolt exposits the Brotherhood is "an elite gang" of demons, hand-picked by The Source and answerable only to him. Or it. Or them, or whatever the hell The Source is. Prospective members of the Brotherhood must "swear a blood oath," thus the whole Phoebe-vanquished-Cole's-"brother" thing. I bet they have to perform a slew of other sordid tasks, like submissively scrubbing the bathroom with toothbrushes while wearing nothing but dog collars and boxer shorts and submitting to ritual paddlings while clenching carrots between the cheeks of their rear ends and whatnot, but I avoided the Greek system like the plague when I was in college. So I really can't say.
Manor. Phoebe returns from the Mausoleum's mausoleum and fills Piper and Prue in on Cole's odd behavior. Piper takes this as a sign "he's turned." Phoebe, still not jumping on the Faithless bandwagon, insists Cole hasn't. He must be in some sort of trouble, but she's certain his behavior is part of some strategy he's devised for himself. Before they can carry on further in this over-mined vein, three Bi Kraps squiggle into the parlor. The one in the middle tosses an FBOD at Prue, who TKs it back on to the Bi Krap on the left. He wails and moans and disappears into a veil of fire. The Bi Krap on the right moves to attack Phoebe. She kicks him into a back flip to the floor. Prue TKs the remaining Bi Krap into an upright piano. An upright piano so shoddily constructed, it disintegrates completely when the Bi Krap crashes into it. The frat boys rise to their feet to be frozen by Piper. Phoebe: "How do they know where we live?" Piper: "Um, derr, you halfwit." Not really, but that's what she means. Prue calls for the Dolt, who runs in from the kitchen with two vials of the violet Belthazor vanquishing liquid. He passes them to Piper and Prue, who fling them to the floor at the feet of the frozen frat boys. More wailing and screaming as the Bi Kraps contort and melt and vanish in wisps of black smoke. Prue thinks the encounter was "too easy," then panics when she realizes they've left Pirelli unprotected. The four rush to the basement, arriving just in time to witness the Colethazor and Tarquin squiggling out with the unconscious CEO hanging limply between them. Piper, referring to Cole, directs a snipe Phoebe's way. "What do you think now?" Commercial.
Back from the break, Phoebe photogenically stares bleakly through one of the sun porch windows. Prue, Piper, and the Dolt enter from the kitchen carrying more vials of the violet vanquishing potion. Phoebe sullenly asks Prue why she kept the Belthazor pepperoni. Prue admits she didn't "trust Cole until recently." Phoebe wonders if Prue really believes Cole would try to kill the three of them again. Piper replies that given his track record and the events of the last twelve hours, it's entirely possible. Phoebe is now the only one of the four not on the Faithless bandwagon. Prue tells Phoebe that vanquishing Vorelli is now their only option. Phoebe reminds them that Cole told her such action would be a grievous error on their part. She believes Cole's come up with a Plan B of his own, and his abduction of Pirelli from the basement is part of it. The others don't agree, but Prue tells Phoebe this by dredging up that "Power Of Four" voting thing again with, "The vote's three to one." Just let it crawl away and die already. Jesus. Prue announces they're ready to leave the manor for Lebensraum's corporate offices. Is Phoebe joining them?