PreBitched

S03E17

By Demian

Let's be frank. I don't want to write about this first scene. Why? Because it involves Piper and the Dolt, naked in a steamy shower, making goo-goo noises at each other before they commence with a round of soapy screwing. God, I have to go bathe after typing that sentence. Wait. "Bathe"? More like, "boil the upper three layers of my skin off of my body." Brad Kern, why have you forsaken me? Anyway, because I am so devoted to you, loyal MBTV reader, I will force myself to watch it and rewatch it and watch it once more to provide you with all of the gruesome details you've come to expect from a recap of the WB's signature Thursday night horror series. As opposed to the WB's signature horror series, which might soon become Fox's signature horror series if Jamie Kellner doesn't hand Joss Whedon two million dollars a week. I'm stalling and babbling, I realize. Trust me, what happens in this scene is far more disgusting than anything that follows in the episode. Actually, it's far more disgusting than anything I've seen on this show since Piper tried to have sex with the Dolt on the desk in her office at P3 in "Sight Unseen." I'm still stalling. Okay, then. A shot of Jack. Clench the teeth. Breathe. Here we go: Piper tells the Dolt they've finally found a place in the manor where they can be alone. Because, you know, she can't just lock the door to her goddamn bedroom when she wants to ride the skin bus to Tuna Town with her new husband. She has to tie up the bathroom for God knows how long so she can do God knows what to the feeble frat boy she inexplicably decided to saddle herself with for the rest of her life. Oh, God. I typed "saddle." The Dolt smiles, telling Piper that all they have to do is transfer all of their belongings to the bathroom, and they'll be set. Shut up, Dolt. Just as the two are about to [God help me] start having sex in the shower, Phoebe pounds on the door and enters with a hand over her eyes to search the drawers beneath the vanity for her lip-gloss. Unspeakably rude of her, I realize, but this scene is unspeakable, period, so I'll just keep plowing my way through it. Ack. I typed "plowing." "Phoebe!" Piper shouts. "I'm sorry," Phoebe replies, peeking through two of her fingers. "Were you guys in the middle of the…" At the sight of the naked Dolt, Phoebe cuts herself short with "Ew." For the second time in as many weeks, I am forced to agree with her. Word, Phoebe. Lip gloss retrieved, Phoebe blindly stumbles out of the bathroom, running into the wall before skittering out the door. Piper glares as I grind up and snort a handful of Xanax. Jesus.

ANYway. Cut to Piper's boudoir. Piper and the Dolt stand, clad in their post-shower-sex robes, as Prue barrels in unannounced. "Hi!" Piper perks through gritted teeth. "Are you lost?" "No, but my keys are," Prue replies. "Have you seen them?" "Have you seen the door?" Piper counters. Prue realizes what she's done, apologizes, and exits. Piper sighs in frustration as the Dolt beams indulgently and reminds her that they "knew what [they] were getting into" when they agreed to remain in the manor after they married. Piper, having had more than enough, sits the Dolt on the bed and tells him she has a better idea. Back in the day, before Grams's final confinement, Prue and Piper shared a bitchin' bachelorette pad in North Beach. When it became clear Grams could no longer live on her own, the two Ps handed the apartment over to a couple of Piper's friends. Piper's kept in touch over the last three years, and the friends now want to hand the lease back over to her. The Dolt wonders if there will be "supernatural ramifications to living apart," as the three Ps did not gain their powers until all three had moved back in to the house after Grams's death. Piper's more concerned about the "marital ramifications to living together." "Everything we do is about navigating our 'charmed' lives," she whines. "When do we get to concentrate on our married life?" She urges him to treat the apartment becoming available as a "sign" that the two are meant finally to build their own life together. The Dolt smiles in silent agreement, and they kiss. Piper, irritating me to no end, ponders, "What do you think the chances are of us pulling this off before another demon attack?"

Not terribly good, as if you couldn't guess. Cut to a shot of the waxing crescent moon. Remember that. In a random apartment in the city, I Can't Believe It's Not Gloria Reuben! kneels in a circle of candles, chanting gibberish. The candles around her levitate. The StalkerCam kicks in at floor level as an unseen presence approaches. Turns out it's a black cat, which jumps into I Can't Believe It's Not Gloria's lap. The candles drop back to the floor as she affectionately chides the cat -- "Shadow" -- for interrupting her "during ritual." She shoos Shadow away and begins to chant again. Shadow leaps onto a table behind her and bats a crystal jar to the floor. The jar shatters, spilling an amber liquid across the floorboards. I Can't Believe It's Not Gloria turns to yell at her cat, but stops short when she realizes Shadow just might have some sinister motive. The cat bats a smaller bottle of pink liquid onto the floor, then hisses and spits at I Can't Believe It's Not Gloria. "Don't do this," she pleads as she rises slowly to her feet. Shadow bats another glass bottle onto the floor as I Can't Believe It's Not Gloria begs, "No!" You know, if she'd been using plastic containers to hold her potions, none of this would be happening. Then again, what the hell do I know about the proper methods for storing such things? The cat leaps down into the messy mix of potions on the floor, and an opaque mist rises around it. Shadow morphs up into a fat man clad in a fugly brown velour top under a black leather vest. How Shadow managed to conjure the hideous clothing, I'll never know; I'm just thankful I don't have to witness the even more hideous sight of the fat man naked. I Can't Believe It's Not Gloria gapes in horror as Shadow the Wonder Blob sneers, "What's the matter? Cat got your tongue?" Shut up, Wonder Blob. The mist swirls around I Can't Believe It's Not Gloria, who screams and ineffectually crosses her arms in front of her face against the fog. She screams once more, then is sucked into oblivion as Shadow the Wonder Blob smirks some more. Credits.

Manor kitchen, the morning. Phoebe, Prue, and the Dolt hide behind various sections of the newspaper, barking out requests to each other for corn flakes and croissants and BART schedules and whatnot. Phoebe intends to spend the morning shopping for shoes. Prue snipes that Phoebe shouldn't be spending money she doesn't have. Piper eyes them all nervously, then announces, "Leo and I are moving." The others flip their newspapers below their faces as Piper brightly offers, "Milk?" That's the second cat reference, for those of you playing along at home. Unfortunately, there will be more. "Wait a minute," Phoebe tells her. "Life-altering plans cannot be squeezed between 'Pass the newspaper' and 'Who ate the Special K?'" Piper reminds her sisters that they all knew their current living arrangement would not last forever. She's tired of sleeping in her childhood bedroom, she's annoyed with the interruptions while having sex in the shower, and even the "family breakfasts" are pirouetting on her last nerve. Prue's not having it. She reminds Piper that the sisters occupy the manor together because the manor is where they are "at their strongest." Piper again attempts to reason her way out of this mess, noting that she has been away from Prue and Phoebe before and "everything was fine." "Everything was not fine," Prue asserts. "We cannot ignore the responsibility we inherited from our family." Piper hesitantly lays it on the line: "You guys have to understand. I have two families now." She glances at the Dolt, who lowers his eyes to gaze at his cereal. Piper tries to draw her younger sister into it, reminding everyone that Phoebe ditched the family in favor of New York City three years ago. Phoebe shuts down this line of attack by expositing that her time in New York doesn't count, as the sisters did not receive their powers until after she had returned "six months after Grams died." Speaking of Grams, what would she think of Piper's plan to leave the manor?

Swirling cut to the spring of 1998. Grams storms through the kitchen door, bellowing, "Morons!" Snerk. We love Grams. "Why does that pre-pubescent have to throw the paper in the shrubbery?" she spits, crossing past Prue to brew some coffee. Prue -- on the phone with a wedding planner, evidently -- announces that Roger (remember him?) "forgot a whole forest of his family tree [sic]," and that they must now find room for additional people at the ceremony. Piper joins the fracas in the kitchen, loudly reminding Grams that her doctor forbade caffeine. She offers Grams some herbal tea instead. Prue grunts an excuse for the noise, confides things will be "a lot easier when [she] moves out," tells the planner she'll call back, and hangs up as Piper demands the paper. Prue and Piper have series-premiere hair and clothing. Prue's bob reaches just below her ears, and she appears to be strapped firmly into appropriate foundation garments beneath her high-necked sleeveless pink top. Piper's far more dowdy. Her hair's about as long as it is now, but she has a nasty case of the bangs. She's also dressed to work the counter at Budget Rent-a-Car, complete with a little gold nametag on her jacket lapel. The scenes set in the past have been filmed in a tone that should say "sepia-tinged" but comes across more as "washed-out."

Anyway, continuity error, table for two. When Piper demands the paper, she and Grams are standing at the island in the center of the kitchen. When Grams hands her the paper, they're back over at the sink. Petty, I realize, but I bet the crack-smoking continuity editor thought no one would notice. Crackhead thought wrong. Grams, a bit over-bright, tells the two she's "so glad" to have them back at the manor. Grams reveals she's decided to treat herself by purchasing a new camera. Prue condescendingly dismisses it as "last year's model." Grams flutters out a flustered, "Well, you know, I'd just like to get a few pictures of you two." Piper, from the breakfast nook, cuts in to ask if she heard Prue correctly earlier. That she did: Prue's moving out of the manor. Grams tries to interrupt the bickering, but Piper continues, "When was this decided?" Grams gives up on getting a photo of her granddaughters as Prue snits in reply, "When I was proposed to." Grams turns to lean against the counter, gasping a bit as she raises a hand to her heart. This gets Prue and Piper's attention. They cross quickly to Grams's side, urging her to sit and rest. The doorbell rings. Grams smiles that she'll rest after she answers the door. Prue and Piper glance uneasily at each other, then follow Grams into the hall.

Grams opens the door to find Phoebe, accompanied by two uniformed cops. "Mrs. Halliwell?" Cop With A Speaking Role asks. Grams deadpans, "Can I hear what she did first before I answer that?" Snicker. Seems Phoebe shoplifted a pair of shoes earlier that day. Or the day before. They're not being terribly clear with the timing here. Phoebe claims she simply "forgot to pay," and notes that the store dropped the charges. Grams, Prue, and Piper glare in Phoebe's direction. "Don't look so disappointed," Phoebe pouts. She reminds them all that Grams wants them to spend more time together, and this is the perfect opportunity to do just that. Grams's gaze and my voice: Shut up, Phoebe. Grams pulls Phoebe to one side to scold her. "How can you behave so recklessly?" she asks. "What about your destiny? Your future?" Phoebe snots back that her "future plans" don't match the ones Grams has for her. Go on, Grams, smack her. And Piper and Prue while you're at it. You know you want to as much as I do right now. Cop With A Speaking Role pointlessly interrupts to remind Phoebe she needs to return the stolen shoes she's wearing. Wait. Wouldn't they have confiscated them when she was arrested? Not that I would know from getting arrested for shoplifting or anything. Just saying. Ahem.

Oh, shut up, all of you. It was fourteen goddamn years ago. So I can never walk into a Wanamaker's again. Didn't they go bankrupt anyway? Who cares? Leave me alone.

Anyhoo, Grams, Piper, and Prue roll their eyes as 2K-2 Phoebe removes the chunky sandals from her feet to hand them over. Cut to 2K1 Phoebe in a shoe store, passing on a "perfect" pair of silver strappy pumps because they're too expensive. The effeminate Latino sales clerk looks so very, very sad. Shut up, effeminate Latino sales clerk. Phoebe hands the guy a pair of blue strappy pumps to return to the shelves as well, then reluctantly calls after him to grab her a pair of the red strappy pumps to try on. Shadow the Wonder Blob toddles up behind her, grabs the pump from her hand, and tosses the shoe over her shoulder. Phoebe turns to face Shadow the Wonder Blob, whose eyes glow red as he pulls his flabby cheeks out into a toothy grimace. "Those are so last season," he oozes in a -- wait for it -- British accent. Phoebe tries to land a fist or two in his face, then backflips through the store. Yeah, that's not conspicuous. She turns, fists raised, as the Wonder Blob points a finger at her. As he raises his outstretched arm, Phoebe rises up into the air. She drops back to the floor when the Wonder Blob pulls his hand back. Phoebe asks the Blob from whom he stole that power. The Blob replies that that's "for [him] to know and [Phoebe] to find out." Shut up, Blob. Phoebe lands a kick on the Blob's chest, sending him flying backwards into a chair. As he rises to his feet, she grabs a black pump and fires off the unfunny, "I hear spikes are making a comeback." She flings the shoe at the head of the Blob. We get a shot of the shoe tumbling end-over-end through the air before the heel embeds itself in the Blob's forehead. Excellent! The Blob screams, then explodes into a black spray that shoots out of his forehead before it collapses back in on itself and disappears.

Phoebe heaves her ample bosom as we cut to the exterior of a store called "Pack It In." I'll refrain from making a crack along those lines. Piper and the Dolt step out onto the sidewalk, carrying packing boxes and bubble wrap. They natter on about how much crap she has to pack up as they walk over to the Halliwell SUV. Piper bitches that she could do with "a little more support" from her sisters regarding the move as the Blob waddles up behind her. The Blob shoots his hand out and levitates Piper several feet into the air. Piper freezes the Blob and drops back to the asphalt, landing hard on her rear end. The Blob slowly forces his way out of the freeze as the Dolt tosses Piper a box cutter. "What am I supposed to do with this?" she demands. The Dolt makes a stabbing motion. She rejects the idea as "way too messy," but is left with no other option when the Blob finishes shaking off the freeze. Piper plunges the box cutter into the Blob's stomach. The black Blob spray shoots out from the point of the wound, then collapses back in and disappears. The Dolt asks Piper if she's "okay."

Flashback. "I'm fine," 2K-2 Phoebe replies. The sisters stand on the manor's front steps to pose for a preternaturally patient Grams. Piper uneasily shifts her weight from foot to foot as Prue and Phoebe bitch at each other. Apparently, Roger told Prue that Phoebe had called him the day before, the implication being, of course, that Phoebe is making the moves on her sister's fiancé. Join me, won't you, as I applaud this bit of continuity from the series premiere. Phoebe claims that she called only to find Prue, and adds there's nothing wrong with her "trying to be nice" to Roger, as he will soon be "a part of [their] family." She goes on to mutter, "I'm not even sure I want to be a part of this family." Grams, her blood pressure visibly rising, notes that the sunlight is shifting, and asks the three to move down a step. As the three comply with that request, Phoebe snarks, "And what would I want with a wimp who has mother issues?" Prue snits a reply that references Phoebe's penchant for shoplifting. Join me again as I slap these bitches silly. Grams looks dismayed, then gasps, clutching her chest. The three Ps immediately drop their bickering and rush to Grams's side. Piper the Caretaker instructs Grams to "take shallow breaths." The attack passes as Prue wonders if they should contact Grams's doctor. "No doctor," Grams replies as she lets fly with the WASP guilt trip. "Just a picture. Is it too much for an old lady to ask her granddaughters to retract their claws, stand still, and look at me long enough to take one. Lousy. Picture?" Cat reference the third. The Ps guiltily move to the flowerbed in front of the bay window and arrange themselves about two feet apart from each other. Grams leans a bit to snap off the signature Charmed Ones image from the premiere. We cut to a shot of the photo as taken. Little Tinkerbell lights swirl around the images of Piper and Phoebe as those images shift closer to Prue's.

The camera pans away from the now-framed image to settle on 2K1 Prue walking through the manor hall. Phoebe enters the door, struggling with a couple of shoeboxes. Prue wonders what happened to Phoebe's plan to stick to window-shopping. Phoebe claims the shoes are a "tax write-off." "Who knew Prada's spring line could be used to fight evil?" she asks. Indeed. Piper enters, and the three realize that each of them on her own vanquished a "warlock" that morning: Phoebe in the store, Piper in the street, and Prue in the attic. As they compare descriptions, the Blob materializes behind them, leaning casually against a doorframe. He shoots his arm out, levitating Piper up to the ceiling above the stairwell landing. Prue runs to Piper's aid as Phoebe grabs an umbrella. Phoebe jams the tip of the umbrella into the Blob's back. Black Blob Spray, and the Blob disappears. Piper lands hard on her rear end again as Phoebe wonders why the vanquishes have been so simple. Prue supposes the vanquishes have not been what they seem. "What if he can't [really] be vanquished?" she asks. Commercial.

Manor attic. Prue and Phoebe consult the Book of Shadows while Feebs singsongs, "I've been working on a vanquish/All the live-long day." The Invisible Spectral Presence of Grams tells her to shut up for me by flipping the pages of the BoS to an entry on conducting séances "to contact the dead." Like there's another kind of séance. The Ps agree Grams must be "confused" as the Blob "can't be killed." Prue shuts the BoS, but the ISP of Grams slams the book open again at the same entry. Phoebe runs down the list of items required for the ceremony and instructs Piper to "grab the white cloth" from the trunk. "This trunk would look great at the foot of my bed," Piper decides. Prue: "Yeah, and my foot would look great on your butt." In other words, the trunk stays in the attic. Piper relents on the issue of the trunk itself, but claims a brown glass jar she finds inside. Prue basically says, "Fine. Now get your ass over here for the ritual." The three light the candles and recite, "Beloved unknown spirit, we seek your guidance. We ask that you commune with us and move among us." Swirling glowing golf balls, and the ghost of I Can't Believe It's Not Gloria Reuben! appears. Introductions are made, which makes me wonder why the witches of San Francisco haven't formed some sort of professional association already so they can keep tabs on each other. A round of twenty questions follows, with I Can't Believe It's Not Gloria's Ghost eventually filling the Ps in on her cat's recent transformation into the Wonder Blob. Wonder Blobs are what result when a witch's "familiar" gives in to the Dark Side. Because the Wonder Blob was a cat, he has to get rid of his nine lives by the new moon in order to become an immortal warlock. If he fails, he'll revert to feline status for all eternity. Don't ask questions. Just go with it. Phoebe guesses that the solution to their current problem is simply to avoid killing the Wonder Blob five more times before the new moon, which Piper announces is in "two days." Not according to that shot of the waxing crescent we had in the pre-credits sequence, hon. Try twenty-five days. Prue apologizes to I Can't Believe It's Not Gloria's Ghost, telling her (it?) that the sisters shouldn't be using someone so freshly dead as an information service. I Can't Believe It's Not Gloria's Ghost says it's cool; she's "at peace now," and she worries only about the people she left behind. I Can't Believe It's Not Gloria's Ghost lays it on thick with the themes of tonight's episode, telling the sisters, "When someone is taken from you suddenly, there are no goodbyes. Evil exists only to spread loss. Be careful not to lose each other." Oh, cram it. I Can't Believe It's Not Gloria's Ghost tosses off a "blessed be" and disappears into the swirling glowing golf balls.

Piper thinks real hard about all that for a moment, then turns her head to blow out one of the candles. Cut to a flashback set in the attic, where the lace curtains flutter from a gust of wind. "Damn wind keeps blowing out my candles," Grams bitches, and calls out an apology to the as-yet-unseen Finola Hughes for being "cut off." Grams relights the candle, and Finola swirls in with the glowing golf balls. Oooh. Pretty hair. Lenny wants to pet the pretty lady's pretty hair. Grams continues with their interrupted conversation, telling Finola she's concerned about the Ps' fractured relationship. Finola reassures her. Prue, Piper, and Phoebe "will come together" once their witchy nature has been revealed to them. Grams frets that a united Halliwell front may not come to pass. Should the sisters not set aside their differences, they might…she never finishes the sentence, but I believe the implication is they'll die. Grams decides to prepare for the worst, just in case. How she will do this, again, she does not say. She says, "Goodnight," to Finola and blows out the candle, plunging the screen into darkness.

Cut to 2K1 Phoebe, wondering aloud in the dark, "Who turned out the lights?" She flicks a switch, enters the kitchen, and is immediately attacked by Shadow the Wonder Blob. They tussle briefly before she lands a double-footed kick to his chest that sends him flying backwards over the kitchen island. He lands on his back on the floor and groans. Black Blob Spray shoots out, as he's fallen on a steak knife. "Uh oh," Phoebe pouts out, which manages to summon Piper and Prue to the kitchen. Phoebe tells them she's killed the Blob again, and Piper and Prue glare at her. The three exit to the hallway while Prue relates her latest thoughts on the issue. The Blob can't kill them, because they are the only ones powerful enough to kill him the necessary four more times. Phoebe wonders if anyone filled the Blob in on this fact. A brief discussion of their current options, which, frankly, don't exist at this point, and then Phoebe crosses to peer into a box of Piper's belongings. Chatter about the impending move and how that will affect the Power of Three. Kit -- or rather, a crappy digital insert shot of Kit -- interrupts the confab with a meow. Did the real cat die or something? Seriously, the cat in these shots is blue, for Christ's sake. Phoebe reveals that she doesn't think she'll "be able to look at Kit in the same way again. Or get undressed in front of him, for that matter." If your funbags pop out of that too-tight cropped sweater you're barely wearing, that little issue will be moot, sweetie. Piper, changing the subject, agrees that the three should further discuss the particulars of her move before she decides on the North Beach lease. She then inexplicably crosses to open the front door as the crappy digital insert of Kit mewls in the background.

And it's 2K-2 again. Bad Bangs Piper, wearing a hideous knit set in brown and white horizontal stripes over a pair of pants better suited for a Hardee's uniform, opens the front door to find the real Kit howling on the front porch. She wonders why the damn cat keeps hanging around the manor. Actually, so do I, because it was pretty clear that, prior to meeting the gals, Kit belonged to the blonde chippie Jeremy offed in the first two minutes of the premiere. Piper shoos the cat away as Prue exits the manor to join her on the front porch. 2K-2 Prue has a far more tasteful and flattering look than the one 2K1 Prue's been sporting this season. 2K-2 Piper, not so much. Was she really that dumpy in the first season? The two link arms and stomp down the front steps to the sidewalk as Kit perches Sphinx-like on the stone balustrade. They casually saunter up the sidewalk as Prue asks Piper to be her maid of honor. Prue's strutting along the walk like a runway model. Piper's clomping along like a plow horse, and those pants make her ass look huge. Piper blithers about Prue leaving her alone with Grams. Prue reassures her she won't be that far away, should Piper need her. Piper eventually breaks down and reveals that her concerns are a front for her jealousy. Prue's about to embark on a wonderful life with a "great guy," and Piper, never having had the best of luck as far as dating goes, worries that she'll "never find true love." Cue the Dolt, who oh-so-conveniently bumps into Piper's shoulder as he passes them on the sidewalk. Where do you think you're going? You sit right there, because it gets worse. A violin chord strikes the soundtrack as the two exchange A Brief Look Fraught With Significance. Because Piper and the Dolt are SOUL MATES, you see. She was BORN TO LOVE HIM, after all. Do you hear me? BORN TO LOVE HER SOUL MATE. Let's try that again for you folks in the back row: PIPER HALLIWELL WAS BORN TO LOVE LEO WYATT WHO IS HER ONE TRUE LOVE AND SOUL MATE.

PiPeR + LeO = 2gEtHaH 4EvAh N eVaH n EvAh!!!!!!!

O6yn vfr4fv bnjuhy u76twws eeccfcv cdsaaqwserty uiuoikjmjijn b bv vv=-098iokjmn mkl,.;. '[p;[';/'][poiu ytreqwsdxcdv vcxsz fdgytghjnbfrtrfewsdf.

Sorry about that. Had to wipe the vomit off the keyboard. I'm surprised they didn't include a little scene where a 2K-2 Colethazor tempts Phoebe into a life of shiftless shoplifting. Anyway, let's continue, shall we?

Once Piper finally looks away, the Dolt orbs out up over the trees. The camera follows, and the scene shifts again to the present. The camera pulls down from the sky to reveal the Ps relaxing over coffee in an outdoor café, the morning following the last 2K1 scene. Piper tells her sisters she doesn't want to become "one of those married lepers that nobody thinks is fun anymore." Prue: "You have never been fun, Piper." Snicker. Piper begs to differ, calling herself "Mrs. Fun." Shut up, Piper. More blather about the supernatural ramifications of the sisters splitting up, interrupted by the Blob materializing in a chair behind them. The Blob snarks that the Ps "are getting hard to find," and that he was beginning to think [they] were trying to avoid [him]." Prue snarks back, "Wow. Thinking. That's a pretty big task for a warlock." She continues, "I'm sorry. That was awfully catty of me." I'm getting pretty tired of telling these people to shut up. By the way, cat reference the fourth. Blah bling Blobthreats. Piper coolly informs him that the sisters will no longer be offering their services as Blob killers. The Blob grabs a passing woman and natters something about how the Ps shouldn't dance if they don't know the steps. No, it didn't make any sense to me, either. The Blob stabs the woman. Piper freezes the entire café. Phoebe jams a bagel knife into the Blob's chest. Black Blob Spray. Piper unfreezes everyone, and the woman falls to the ground. Prue hollers out an order to call 911, and we cut to commercial.

Manor kitchen. The three Ps process through the death of the random woman in the café. They do not, however, offer any explanation of how they talked their way out of that situation. Piper stands at the stove, randomly tossing ingredients into a simmering pot. Prue wonders if she's working on a potion. Piper admits that she "wouldn't know where to begin." "I'm just keeping my hands busy," she says. "It's something Grams taught me. How to improvise." And Prue and Phoebe would not have known about this habit earlier because…? No answer. Piper's improvised potion is a porridgy sludge. Phoebe and Prue try to come up with a strategy to vanquish the Blob for good as Piper lifts a white rose above the pot.

She releases the rose, which falls into a flashback of Grams dropping a similar rose into a similar pot. Bad Bangs Piper, still wearing the hideous knit set and the accompanying big-ass pants, enters the kitchen, determined to "finish the brownies." Mmmm. Brownies. Grams tells her she's too late for that, but proposes that they "whip up [Piper's] favorite double-chocolate decadence cake." Mmmm. Cake. Phoebe silently clomps through the kitchen and retrieves a set of car keys. Grams invites Phoebe to join them. Phoebe glares. Grams brushes this off and asks Phoebe where she's going. "Out" is the monosyllabic response, and Phoebe eyerolls her way out the back door. Piper and Grams sigh, and Piper turns to offer Grams her assistance. She begins to sprinkle seemingly random ingredients to the pot. "How do you know what to add?" Grams asks with a proud, yet somewhat sly, smile on her face. Piper natters out an explanation, but cuts herself short when she notes Grams's expression. Grams tells Piper she was "born for this -- literally." "This" being drudgery over a hot stove, I suppose. Grams doesn't understand why Piper is wasting her life pushing paper at the bank. Piper reminds Grams that they need the health insurance she receives from her job as a teller. Otherwise, they might have to sell the manor to cover Grams's medical expenses. Sad, but true. The only reason I took my first corporate job was for the insurance, and a crappy job it was. Damn American medical system. Piper apologizes for being such a disappointment. Grams pulls her into an embrace and reassures her that she couldn't be a disappointment if she tried. St. Piper of Martyrdom Manor tells Grams she's "just doing what [she has] to," and leaves. Grams sighs to herself, "So am I." She pulls out a turkey baster and fills the brown glass jar from the earlier attic scene with the potion she and Piper created. She raises the jar and says, "My sweet girls, you're just not ready. I've got to stop you from becoming…"

"The Charmed Ones," the Blob oozes from the sofa in the 2K1 parlor. "What does a person have to do to get killed around here?" The gals tell him to cram it, and Piper freezes him. She supposes all she need do is keep him frozen until the new moon, but the Blob pulls himself out of the freeze. The Blob toddles out to the front door, promising more death and destruction if they don't keep killing him. "How many more people have to die before you do what I ask?" he menaces. "None" is Prue's reply, and she TKs a letter opener into his chest. Again with the Black Blob Spray, and there are only two lives left. Prue apologizes, but Phoebe reassures her that she'd have killed the Blob herself had Prue not done it first. Piper sighs that they have to try the BoS again. "No more pussyfooting around," Prue agrees. That's number five. If they try to hit nine, I'm heading to Los Angeles on the first flight out to shoot the writing staff in the head. The three head to the attic, and we cut to another flashback.

Grams randomly flicks through the pages of the BoS with her TK as Finola asks from off-screen, "Why now, Mother?" Grams, her blue blood boiling, asserts that she knows she's going to die soon. The bickering Ps aren't ready to assume the mantle of the Charmed Ones, and Grams will do anything in her power to prevent the sisters from gaining theirs after her death. Finola argues that it's not for Grams to decide whether the Ps are ready or not. Grams growls out her dissent, then clutches her chest in pain. She recovers quickly, however, and again tells Finola that the sisters "aren't ready," and that she "can't place them directly in harm's way." She bids Finola goodnight, and puts out the light. Finola and the glowing golf balls swirl on out of there. Grams TKs the BoS shut, then sends it gliding into the trunk where Phoebe will find it six months later. Oops. Am I getting ahead of myself? Sorry. She steels herself for what she must do , and lifts the brown jar from the table. What she's planning to do is never really made clear, but I think I'm jumping the gun here as well. She leaves the attic, locking the door shut behind her, and steps out onto the landing. Grams suffers her final heart attack on the landing, and Jennifer Rhodes's stunt double takes a header down the stairs. The brown jar falls harmlessly to the carpet. Bad Bangs Mondo-Ass Piper and Her Hideous Knit Set rush in from the hallway. She calls for Prue and Phoebe, both of whom come to her aid, despite the fact that Phoebe is supposed to be gone for the evening. Wailing. Rending of clothes. Tearing of hair. Gnashing of teeth. And then Energizer tries to sell me batteries.

The first shot after the break is of the Blob's screaming mouth. Ew. The camera pulls back to give me a lovely view up his nostrils, then pulls back further to reveal that he's sporting a cane stuck through his chest. Black Blob Spray in the attic. Cut to the three Ps lined up according to age, gazing impassively at the spot the Blob had occupied. "Well, that's number eight," Prue sighs. Phoebe bitches that "it's not fair" for the Blob to cheat death nine times, when death is permanent for everyone else on the planet. She proposes that they try to capture the Blob at the moment of his death and multiply the pain of that by nine. After a brief discussion, the three decide they have a workable plan of action, and head off to prepare for it.

Flashback to the stairs outside the attic. Bad Bangs Piper finds the brown jar on the carpet and lifts it as she gazes at the locked attic door. Prue enters the stairwell below and softly murmurs, "Hey." She asks Piper if she's all right. Piper chokes up a bit and sits on the stairs, allowing that, no, she isn't all right. She sobs a bit as she explains that nothing in her life prepared her for dealing with the details surrounding the loss of a loved one: the doctors, the lawyers, the funeral arrangements. Prue approaches her and says gently, "For what it's worth, the service today was beautiful," adding further fuel to the argument on the boards that Piper is the always the gofer in the family. Piper barely manages to choke out, "She would have liked what you said." "Do you think she heard?" Prue asks. Piper does. Prue places her hands on Piper's arm and urges her to come downstairs. In the parlor, Phoebe sits silently on the couch. As Prue and Piper enter, Piper wonders what Grams "was doing up there." Prue tells Phoebe that Piper believes Grams was in the attic before her stunt double tumbled down the stairs. Phoebe replies that it isn't possible, as Grams had always told them "the attic was sealed off." Piper sets the brown jar down on a table as she comments that she'd still "like to know what [Grams] was doing." Phoebe changes the subject with "What are we doing?" Prue asks for an explanation. Phoebe reminds her sisters that the only reason they came together was because of Grams's illness. Now that Grams is dead and Prue is getting married, there's no reason for the three of them to remain in the manor. Piper proposes that they hash it out over dinner. Prue begs off, telling Piper she's expected at her fiancé's that evening. Phoebe takes this opportunity to drop the New York City bomb. "Grams always said we all have a purpose," she says as she hoists a bag and moves towards the front hall. "Maybe we'll have an easier time finding it on our own." The three look at each other for a moment, then Phoebe exits. Prue excuses herself and heads upstairs as Piper begins to cry again.

There's an odd flash-forward involving Piper and Prue fading out, followed by shifting sunlight sweeping across the staircase. After Piper's boxes appear in the hallway, 2K1 Phoebe runs down the stairs clutching a scrap of paper. "Spell?" Prue asks, entering with a poker from the fireplace. "Check," says the Feebs. "Potion?" "Check," says Piper, entering from the kitchen. "Sharp, painful implement?" "Check," says Prue, hoisting the poker. Phoebe compliments Prue on her choice of weaponry. Piper inquires about their "level of confidence." "Well, on a scale of one to ten," Phoebe replies, "ten being we whup ass, one being he laughs at us as while we're on fire and naked…" Piper: "Maybe you should lie to me." Okay, you got me: Hee! The Blob bursts through the front door, announcing that he "love[s] the smell of defeated witch in the evening." Yuck. And shut up, Blob. You sound more and more like Riff Raff from The Rocky Horror Picture Show with each line, and I don't mean that in a nice way. I must admit, the three gals look pretty good in this scene, despite the glittery lettering on Phoebe's tank top. The Ps a little too blithely prepare to off the Blob one last time. The Blob senses this air of insouciance and asserts that they've "got something up [their] sleeve." Phoebe glances at her sisters' tops and announces, "Hello. Sleeveless." The Blob blathers on a bit more about "mangling [their] pretty little faces" once he's a full-fledged warlock, then raises his arms all "bring on the Blob Spray." Prue uses a javelin toss to wing the poker into his chest. Piper quickly freezes the Blobkebab and flings her powdery potion on him. The three then recite the following:

Nine times this evil's cheated Death,
Felt no pain, and kept its breath.
This warlock standing in our midst:
Let him feel what he has missed.

Eight black smears rise up out of the carpet in formation around the Blobkebab. Yes, you've seen this before. The movie was called Ghost. The black smears enter the Blobkebab and proceed to run roughshod over his internal organs as he breaks out of the freeze. After a bit of screaming, the Blobkebab explodes. "Was that for good?" Piper asks. Prue certainly hopes so; otherwise the Blobkebab will be wanting the part of his ear that is "dripping off the clock." Phoebe points out this last vanquish was radically different from the eight, and the Blobkebab is "gone for good." "And we're still here," Piper continues, "together." Phoebe asks Piper if she wants "to do anything special on [her] last night" there in the manor. Piper asks for some time alone. Phoebe and Prue scamper off upstairs as Piper walks slowly into the parlor. She retrieves the brown jar from a box on the sofa, and notices a folded slip of paper attached to the bottom of it. She reads what's written there, and glances around the empty room, mulling over something.

Manor drive, the morning. The Dolt loads the last of Piper's possessions into the SUV as she walks out onto the porch, holding the slip of paper from the evening. The Dolt asks her what's wrong. They lean against the back bumper of the car, and Piper allows that "something just doesn't feel right." Long story short, Piper's having second thoughts about the move, especially after reading the ingredients for the potion Grams placed in the brown jar three years ago. "I think we both know what those ingredients would do to us," she tells the Dolt. Well, you might know, but all of us little people out here in the dark haven't a clue. Would it be too much to ask for a better explanation? Cow. The Dolt agrees to move back into the manor, and they hug. Whatever. Brief dénouement in the parlor involving Prue, Piper, and Phoebe. Prue's giving Piper her larger room, and Phoebe will move her things from Piper's bathroom so Piper and the Dolt can play hide the salami in the shower to their hearts' content. Hugs and smiles all around. Again, whatever. Cut to the attic, where the ISP of Grams shuts the BoS. The triquatra glows red as chimes tinkle on the soundtrack, and we fade to black.

Thursday, basketball. Well, basketball if you live in Chicago. The rest of the country is getting a rerun of "Power Outage." No new episodes for quite a bit, gang. Have fun.