Wow. Has it really been a whole month since the last new episode? Good thing they decided to open this one with thirty seconds of footage of the Golden Gate Bridge, the Transamerica Pyramid, and the Coit Tower, because I'm way too stupid to remember that this show is set in San Francisco. Not. After the little travelogue ends, we cut to a shot of the Halliwell SUV pulling to the side of a road. Phoebe and Prue pop out, link arms, and head down the sidewalk. Prue tells Phoebe "it" should be nearby. Phoebe wonders if Prue couldn't be a little more precise regarding what "it" is. Prue replies that all she knows is that "it" is "some sort of evil-y thing." Phoebe whines that she should be back at the manor, avoiding the Ethics paper she has to finish before she can graduate. Prue tells her to can it; they're on a hunt for a demon in this particular neighborhood because Prue, while scrying, detected "unnatural activity" in the area. This little revelation stops Phoebe dead in her tracks. Prue is actively searching out evil? What about her pledge to try for a little more "balance" in her life? Prue weakly argues that she had a photo shoot and a date the day before, and now she's fighting dark demonic forces sent from the flaming maw of Hell this morning. What could be more balanced than that? Phoebe's not buying it. Prue sighs, and awkwardly exposits that she no longer feels as needed by her sisters since Piper's wedding and Phoebe's renewed relationship with Cole. She doesn't have to "protect" Piper and Phoebe as much as she did in the past, so she's focusing her energies on innocents. Phoebe pooh-poohs this whole idea, telling Prue that she should take better advantage of this newfound freedom of hers. Prue smiles a bit and sighs again, then changes the subject by pointing out a random Dumpster in a nearby alleyway. "I think this is it," she notes as she heads over. "On the count of three: one, two…"
"Three!" Prue TKs the lid of the Dumpster open. Feebs squeals with delight at the sight of a box inside. "It's the coffee maker I wanted!" Prue more or less says, "It's an empty box, dumbass." Phoebe thanks Prue for "protecting [her] from making a fool out of [herself]." Prue grins and playfully replies while slinging an arm over Phoebe's shoulders, "That's a full-time job." The two head back out to the sidewalk for some more exposition. Cole's been dodging demonic bounty hunters as of late, but he still manages to squiggle into Phoebe's boudoir for a little of the in-and-out on occasion. This has led Phoebe to reevaluate the whole dating-a-demon situation a bit. She's wondering if the boy really is in love with her, or if he's just sampling her ample "charms." Prue reminds Phoebe she "knows for a magical fact" that Cole loves her. ("Primrose Empath," for those of you wondering what she's talking about.) Add that to how many times he's risked his life for hers, and it has to be "more than just sex." Feebs gives a hint of the Miss Phoebe If You're Nasty to come as she brightly asks, "Well, what if it's just really, really great sex?" Before Prue can whap Phoebe's head with her purse for me, they're interrupted by sounds of struggle from another nearby alleyway. They turn their heads in time to see a Flaming Ball Of Death scorch a wall. "Seek and ye shall find," Prue smirks, and they scamper off across the street together.
In the alley, a suit is arguing with his demonic dealer. "One more," the suit begs. "I just need one more." The Demonic Dealer pushes him away, telling the suit that "what [he] want[s] is no longer in this box." The Demonic Dealer wags a cheap-looking opaque plastic jewelry box in the suit's face. I should give the suit a proper name, I realize, but he's going to be dead in about forty seconds, so really, why bother? The near-dead suit pulls a little sissy hissy on the Demonic Dealer, demanding he get what he wants. Shut up and die already, princess. The Demonic Dealer sneers, "You can never get enough Greed, can you?" which makes absolutely no sense at all, even knowing beforehand that this episode is all about the Seven Deadly Sins. The Sin of Greed creates an inexhaustible and apparently maddening need for more Greed? What? Whatever. The Demonic Dealer flings a Flaming Ball Of You Will Move At Least Ten Feet Further From Me, which knocks the suit into a few garbage bins. Prue and Phoebe sneak up behind the Demonic Dealer, and Prue TKs him into some random packing crates. The cheap plastic jewelry box falls from his hand and skitters off to the side. The suit moves to snatch the cheap box away. Prue tosses a little TK at the box, sending it skittering across the street before the suit can lay a finger on it. The Demonic Dealer tries to rise to his feet but is stopped by a patented Phoebe "Hee-YA!" kick to his head. "The box belongs to Lukas!" he insists from a mound of trash. "Tell Lukas it's been impounded," she snippily replies. The Demonic Dealer vanishes in a wisp of grey smoke. Phoebe for some reason looks puzzled by this exit, perhaps because it had none of the style and panache she's grown accustomed to when demonic forces vanish on this show. Or maybe she's just stupid. Prue moves to the suit's side and attempts to calm him down. He insists, "I gotta have more," and dashes across the street to the apparently empty but still cheap jewelry box. It's cheap, people. Almost as cheap as what happens . What follows is the worst "special"-"effects" bit I've seen on this show. Ever. As a painfully bad digital insert of the suit bends to retrieve the box, a speeding city bus plows into what should be his body, but so obviously is not. A small "pff-wap" hits the soundtrack. I rewound this bit twelve times and watched it over and over again, giggling all the while. It is so freaking awful, it's funny. Prue and Phoebe do not, unfortunately, share in my glee, but we cut to the credits before they can harsh on me.
Scantily-clad Kerr Smith in a fleabag motel. "Rated R for Strong Violence/Gore, Language, Sexuality." April 27th at a theater near me, you say? I am so there.
"Accident" aftermath. Detective Darryl and two other police investigators quiz the bus driver. The suit gets a name: "Robert Pike." A rather attractive cop quizzes Phoebe. I happened to pause the tape at this point, and the cop looks like he's shoved a couple of socks down the front of his pants. It's either that or -- to quote Madeline Kahn -- "Woof!" Further along, Prue gazes on in an approximation of stunned horror and grief as coroner's assistants prepare to load the very dead Mr. Pike into an ambulance. Darryl saunters over to her, noting the police often see "suicides" of this nature. Prue insists that it wasn't suicide. Pike was "demonically driven into the street," she asserts, and reminds Darryl that she has more than enough experience in such matters to know of what she speaks. Darryl gives her the rundown on the deceased. Pike was a very successful investment broker and philanthropist, married with two kids. Prue announces that "something must have changed him," and shows Darryl the box Pike died for, which she has stowed away in her purse. A couple of bath beads glow dully inside. Darryl asks Prue if she knows what the bath beads really are. She doesn't, she allows, but she's certain they're dangerous. Over in Phoebe's neck of the street, Officer Package finishes up his questioning by asking Phoebe out on a date. Her face breaks into a toothy grin and she snickers a bit in embarrassment. She turns him down gently, telling him she already has a boyfriend. "I'm not surprised," he replies mildly, grinning back at her. Darryl interrupts the unseemly flirtation, and Phoebe moves to Prue's side. Phoebe asks Prue if she's okay. Prue regrets that they weren't able to save Pike. Phoebe supposes there was nothing they could do without knowing more about Lukas and what the bath beads really are. I raise my hand to point out that, had Piper been present, she could have frozen the whole scene before the "bus" "plowed" into "Pike," but these people never listen to me anyway.
Prue and Phoebe head off to return to the manor for some research as we cut to what Pyewacket on the boards so aptly called the Evil Carnival of Schlock. Inside, Lukas himself holds the Demonic Dealer in a mid-air chokehold, and is in the middle of bitching him out for losing the bath beads. Lukas looks like a low-rent Kenickie from the Joliet State Correctional Facility's all-male production of Grease, but he thankfully does not speak with a British accent. "I thought you were going to work on controlling your anger," the Demonic Dealer splutters meekly from above. Snerk. Kenickie drops him to the floor and launches into some heavily-condensed (read: "awkwardly-worded") exposition. Kenickie, whose life was "destroyed by sin," must spend eternity "inflicting sin on others." The box contains Greed, Envy, Anger, Lust, Sloth, Gluttony, and Pride: The Seven Deadly Bath Beads. Kenickie infects unsuspecting innocents with the Deadly Bath Beads, then delivers their souls to Hell when the Deadly Bath Beads kill the innocents. For reasons unknown, he must deliver the souls in matching groups of seven. Greed is covered, because of the "accident" involving Pike, and the dead man's soul now resides in a glowing crystal. However, Kenickie has to retrieve the remaining Deadly Bath Beads from the Halliwells before The Source stomps his ass. He stumbles upon a cunning plan: the Seven Deadly Bath Beads feed on "human desires," and "witches have human desires too," so he will infect the Halliwells with a couple of the Bath Beads. Just go with it. It will be so much easier on your brain if you do. Kenickie decides he no longer requires the services of the rather inept Demonic Dealer, and so shoots Glowing Rays of Orange Death the Demonic Dealer's way. Demonic Dealer wails, then explodes into a fireball. "Whew," Kenickie sighs. "I needed to vent." I hate you already, Kenickie.
You'd think that would be enough exposition for one goddamned episode. You'd be thinking wrong. Manor hall. Phoebe and Prue enter, and Prue pulls the box of Deadly Bath Beads from her purse. She intends to pop it open to investigate. Phoebe chides her, telling her to wait until Piper is present so Prue "won't go running into the street and get hit by a bus too." If that's a possibility, then don't wait, Prue. Open it! Open it now! She doesn't. Damn. Phoebe, who's wearing what appears to be a lavender strapless bra under a tackily-embroidered sky blue vest that is barely pinned together just over her cleavage, storms into the kitchen. There she finds Piper rolling sushi. Despite the supposed urgency of her mission, Phoebe pauses long enough for some more exposition with Piper. Piper's turned into quite the little hausfrau since the wedding. Her hours off-duty from P3 and witchcraft are spent catering to the Dolt's many needs. Exclusively. But she doesn't mind. Nope, not Piper. Not one bit. She actually likes "taking care of him, and cooking for him, and dressing up for him." As a matter of fact, she was just thinking about buying some new clothes for him. "You know, to de-flannel him a little." Total shout-out, but I don't care. Where is the real Piper, and what insidious force of evil has replaced her with this Stepford Wife? Phoebe jokingly asks if Piper is "afraid [she's] going to lose" the Dolt. Phoebe greets the downcast silence from her sister with disbelief. It seems Piper is still frightened that The Powers That Be will find an excuse to tear the Dolt away from her again. "There was nothing in [our] wedding vows that said 'They' still couldn't break us apart," she explains. She's determined not to provide either TPTB or the Dolt with a reason to end the marriage. Phoebe shifts the topic of conversation to the issue at hand. She fills Piper in on that morning's "accident," tells Piper she and Prue need her, and exits to the parlor. Piper purses her lips a bit and follows.
In the parlor, Prue perches on the sofa, twirling the box of Deadly Bath Beads around in her hands. Phoebe asks Prue what she thinks she's doing. Prue replies again that she intends to open the box. Phoebe counters that doing so might "unleash some huge abomination." Huge abomination? You're wearing it, Phoebe. Prue thinks they can collectively deal with whatever the box contains. Piper pipes in that in any event they should consult her "husband" first. Prue snarks they "didn't need his opinion before, when he was just 'Leo.'" The Dolt orbs in with, "You called?" Phoebe asks him if they should open the box. The Dolt suggests they consult the Book of Shadows first. Piper finds this an excellent idea. Prue bitches a bit, then the four head for the stairs. Piper interrupts, reminding Phoebe of her two o'clock appointment with her Ethics professor. Phoebe proposes that she reschedule the meeting and remain at the manor to assist the others. Prue insists that Phoebe go, assuring her that the remaining three can handle the box of Deadly Bath Beads without her. Phoebe relents. Before Phoebe can leave, Prue suggests, "First, you might want to change into…clothes? You know, an actual shirt?" Phoebe glances down at her barely-concealed boobs, adopts a doofy five-bong-hit grin, and jiggles upstairs to change. Prue makes a "she's popping out of her top" gesture to Piper and the Dolt before heading up to the attic. Yeah, like you have room to criticize, Prue.
Up in the attic, the BoS conveniently has an entry on the matter at hand. Doesn't it always? The difference, though, is that the Deadly Bath Beads in the BoS are color-coded according to the sin they contain, whereas the Deadly Bath Beads we've actually seen are white. I must compliment the Props department on their Seven Deadly Sins research. The definitions in the book and the accompanying colors are almost entirely accurate. The only exceptions are the colors assigned to Lust and Sloth, which should be dark blue and light blue, respectively, rather than pink and blue. But I quibble. Anyway, the discussion the three have basically reiterates what the BoS has to say, so here's the entry. "Demonic Infectors keep Crystal Boxes that contain ball of each of the Seven Deadly Sins, bottled at The Source and by The Source. These Demons, who were once human and consumed by Sin in Life, use Sin balls to corrupt paragons of Good. Infectors target a victim's predisposition to Sin and magnify it with a Sin ball, leading to the victim's Self-destruction within hours. The Sin balls can only be dëempowered [sic] by destroying the Infector." Everyone got that? Good. Also: "Sin balls." Snicker. The Dolt notes that no one is immune to sin. He also manages to intone the phrase "Balls of Sin" without cracking a smile. Prue guesses Pike was infected by the Deadly Bath Bead of Greed, and that her earlier scrying actually targeted said Deadly Bath Bead destroying Pike's "good nature." Piper proposes writing a spell to counteract the infection, should Kenickie hit another innocent. Prue reminds her that "sin can't be removed -- magically or otherwise. It's part of all of us." "Even you?" Piper replies with a wiggle of her eyebrows. Her sister allows that not even she, The Great And Powerful Prue, is immune, but hastens to add her sin is "nothing that anyone would notice but [her]." Do I have to dignify that nonsense with a response? Didn't think so. And I'll leave it to you good people to debate the idea of sin as an infection, should you care to do so.
Meanwhile, down in the parlor, Kenickie smokes himself in and lifts the box of Deadly Bath Beads from the coffee table. Way to secure potentially hazardous materials, ladies. Behind him, Phoebe bounces down the stairs, perkily announcing her imminent departure from the manor. Let me tell you, what she's changed into is only marginally better than what she originally had on. She's wearing a pink, white, and red blouse with a tropical floral pattern under a fuzzy dark red vest that looks like it was carved from the hide of a dead Muppet. She stops short when she spots Kenickie at the coffee table. Kenickie opens the box of Deadly Bath Beads and flings one into Phoebe. Phoebe sparks up all pink and staggers back against the wall. From the earlier color-coding -- not to mention the previews for this episode -- we're to know she just got hit with Lust. Prue, Piper, and the Dolt hit the landing at this point, and Kenickie tosses three Bath Beads into them as well. The colors that spark over them are violet, orange, and blue, so we know they've been decked with Pride, Gluttony, and Sloth, respectively. Kenickie smiles to himself and smokes out. Much spluttering from the freshly-afflicted four. Prue asks the others if they "feel any different." None of them does, so Prue orders the Dolt to consult with TPTB, pushes Phoebe out to her Ethics appointment, and hustles back upstairs to the BoS with Piper for more research.
Cut to Phoebe in her professor's office. While he natters on about "the dialectic" and how many lectures she's missed, Phoebe crosses and uncrosses her legs while drawing her hand across her face as if she's having a hot flash. The professor asks if she's all right. She answers in the affirmative. He concludes that if she doesn't turn in her late paper right away, he'll be forced to fail her, thereby delaying her graduation. "What do you have to say for yourself?" he asks. Phoebe, who's been fingering her dead Muppet during all of this, leers, "I'm not wearing any underwear." The professor goggles and asks if she's "making some kind of a joke." "I'm dead serious," Miss Phoebe If You're Nasty breathily intones as she rises slowly from the chair. "I've been a bad girl," she pouts, stalking up in front of her teacher. "A very bad girl," she amends. "And I'll do anything to pass. Anything." Miss Phoebe If You're Nasty grabs the professor by the lapels of his jacket and flips to the floor, pulling him on top of her. Thus beginneth the Wacky Hijinks, and it's about damn time. Cut to commercial.
Back from break, Piper's in the kitchen, sipping champagne and calling in an order to Bloomingdale's for designer clothing and accessories. Designers mentioned include Armani, Gucci, and Prada. Prue attempts to cut in, but Piper tells her to cram it. Prue overhears the amount of money involved in the purchase, and hangs up the phone before Piper can complete the order and "ruin [her] credit rating." "Leo needs suits," Piper pouts. "Leo doesn't wear suits," Prue reminds her. "Yet," Piper counters, and offers Prue some champagne. Prue can't believe Piper is drinking in the middle of the day. Piper tells Prue she decided to "indulge" a bit because "this sin thing" was "bringing [her] down." Prue fills Piper in on what she's been up to while Piper's been swilling wine. The "Sin balls," as those of us who actually bothered to read the BoS entry already know, destroy their victims in a matter hours. "Good thing we weren't infected," Piper notes as she pops a chocolate into her mouth. Prue tried to scry for Kenickie's victim, but the pointer kept "going back to the manor" on her map for some odd reason. When did this show become Clueless? Phoebe stomps into the kitchen to relate the sordid tale of her most recent academic humiliation. Her professor kicked her out of class. Why? She doesn't know: "One minute I was telling him why my paper was late and the thing I knew, I was unzipping his pants with my teeth." Piper didn't need to hear that. I didn't either, really, but compared to some of the horrific mental images Piper's inflicted on me this season, Phoebe's transgression is comparatively mild. Prue finally puts the pieces together and correctly guesses that her sisters were indeed infected with the Deadly Bath Beads. Piper, her mouth full of pie, looks upwards and calls for the Dolt. Prue reveals that the Dolt actually has parked his ass on the parlor sofa.
Parlor. The Dolt is engrossed in a John Wayne movie. Piper determines something is amiss, decides it's the lack of potato chips, and hustles back into the kitchen to procure some for her man. Miss Phoebe If You're Nasty meanwhile urges the Dolt to switch to MTV. "I want to see Carson Daly," she explains as she scrambles over the Dolt's prone form on the couch. "He is so hot." Ew. I mean, really. Ick. Prue switches off the set in an attempt to restore focus. She asks the Dolt what TPTB "had to say about [Kenickie's] sneak attack." The Dolt, as usual, is useless. This time, however, he has a Deadly-Bath-Bead-related excuse. Seems he "orbed halfway up and got tired." "After sixty years of constant vigilance, I think I deserve a little downtime," he continues as he switches the TV back on. "Constant vigilance"? Is this some new term for "having sex in the shower in the middle of the day"? Shut up, Dolt. Piper passes the Dolt a bowl of chips, then answers the door. She's had several floral arrangements delivered to herself. Prue rolls her eyes. Miss Phoebe If You're Nasty hits on one of the deliverymen, remarking on her taste for men in uniform. Prue pushes the florists out the door and propels Piper and Phoebe back into the parlor, where the Dolt belches his way through his snacks. Phoebe wonders which Deadly Bath Bead targeted Prue. Prue decides she alone remains uninfected because she's "strong enough to fight [the infection] off." 'Cause, you know, Pride goeth before the fall and all that. Prue spots a breaking news story on TV, and orders the Dolt to crank up the sound. Basically, there's a "hostage situation" in a Bay Area Jaguar dealership. A certain "Pastor Robert Trimble" will shoot a salesman if he's not given a new car. Prue supposes that Kenickie infected the pastor with the Deadly Bath Bead of Envy, and she and Phoebe head off for the showroom, Piper having decided she'll remain in the manor with the Dolt to "hold down the fort." Holding down the fort, of course, involves shopping for a "Deluxe Tiffany Stained-Glass Flamingo" and an "Ornate Asian Curio Cabinet" on the Home Shopping Network. Wah-wah-wah. Does the fun ever start?
Cut to the street outside the "Bay City Motor Cars" showroom. Various S.W.A.T.-team types scamper around behind parked cars while, for some reason, hordes of rubberneckers mingle on the sidewalks right behind them. Prue, Phoebe, and Darryl enter. Prue insists she be allowed inside the dealership. Darryl tells her she's being foolish. Miss Phoebe If You're Nasty's distracted when she spots Officer Package working crowd control off to the side. While Prue and Darryl bicker about proper procedure in a hostage situation, Phoebe scuttles off to assault the cop. Prue haughtily takes matters into her own hands, crossing the police barricade to dash into the showroom. Darryl wildly orders the S.W.A.T. team not to shoot while confusedly scanning the crowd for Phoebe. Poor Duhrryl. He's so lost. As usual. Inside the showroom, Prue approaches the reverend, who has a revolver pressed against the neck of a salesman. Startled, the reverend spins around and aims the gun at Prue. Prue tosses some TK in the general direction of the weapon, but manages only to wiggle the pastor's arm a little bit. Prue: "Um. Uh oh." The pastor re-aims and fires.
Outside, the assembled extras gasp, wail, and moan at the sound of the gunshot. Darryl grabs a megaphone and calls for Prue. There is no answer. More gasps and solemn mutterings of the "peas and carrots" variety from the assembled extras. Various shots of various cops, extras, and newsmen. The "tension" "mounts." Finally, Prue exits the showroom with the salesman, calling out, "Fine. Fine. Everything's under control." She foists the salesman on some waiting paramedics and sends a couple of cops into the dealership to retrieve the now-unconscious minister, whose ass she has kicked. She -- do I have to say it? -- proudly mugs for the assembled news crews before Darryl intervenes, hustling her off to the side. He notes with alarm that the bullet grazed her arm. She passes it off as nothing to worry about. Darryl's not buying it. "I've never seen you run away from danger, Prue," he tells her, "but I've never seen you run towards it, either. Do you have a death wish?" Prue buys a clue, finally realizes she's been hit with Pride, and orders Darryl to pack the pastor off to an anonymous location until she can vanquish Kenickie. "Now where is my sister?" she wonders aloud, all Alpha-witch.
Cut to the interior of the S.W.A.T. van. Miss Phoebe If You're Nasty macks loudly with Officer Package. She grabs at his clip-on tie, which comes off in her hand. They regard the clip-on briefly before shoving their tongues down each other's throat again. Snicker. She rips his shirt open, then breaks from the kiss to retrieve a strip of ten condoms from her jacket. I hope they're of the extra-large variety because, believe me, Officer Package really does seem to need them. "Good thing I came prepared," she smiles, before tearing one of the condoms off the strip with her teeth. Officer Package is way too into this whole thing. Before the heavy petting can progress to full-on fornication, however, Darryl and Prue pull open the van's doors. "Officer!" Dr. Scott! "Phoebe!" Brad! Rocky! Uhnh! Darryl tosses the cop out of the van while Prue wrestles Phoebe back into the dead Muppet. "Are you out of your mind?" Prue demands. "Well, if you're gonna go crazy," Miss Phoebe If You're Nasty perks, leaving us to infer the "what a way to go" bit. Prue's not having it: "Yeah, well my sin isn't nearly as fun as yours." And that, folks, is a shame. Prue might as well be a nun for all the action she's seen this season. Then again, maybe "shame" isn't the word I was looking for. Any suggestions? Phoebe inquires as to the nature of Prue's sin. Upon learning that it's Pride, Phoebe smirks and notes, "You don't seem all that different." "Back at ya," Prue snorts. Word. On both observations. Prue wraps Phoebe in her jacket and drags her back to the manor in order to revise their strategy.
Meanwhile, Darryl is busy suspending Officer Package for dereliction of duty. Officer Package, of course, tries to pin the whole mess on the badly-dressed slut with the condoms. Darryl: "Go back to the station, and turn in your hardware." Gee. That sounds like it would hurt a guy. Sorry! Sorry! I had to do it. Bet you didn't know the Eighth Deadly Bath Bead contains the Sin of Cheap Shots, did you? Darryl stalks off as Officer Package shouts indignantly at his retreating form. Kenickie pops in for a little lecture on the physiology of anger. He also opens the cheap box to toss the last of the Seven Deadly Bath Beads into Officer Package. Why the Greed Bath Bead is not back in the box waiting for reuse now that the "bus" "plowed" into "Pike," I'll never know. In any event, Officer Package is now extremely miffed. He demands to know who Kenickie is. Kenickie suavely replies, "Someone who can help you channel your anger." Officer Package, who looks alarmingly like Robert Patrick in T2: Judgment Day when peevish, glowers into the camera as we cut to commercial.
Back from break, Phoebe and Prue approach the manor's front door. Phoebe: "You know, it wouldn't have killed you to drive past the fire station for a little look-see." Demian, beyond all hope: "Hee!" Prue and Phoebe enter the manor to discover the fruits of Piper's shopping spree crammed into every available space. Miss Phoebe If You're Nasty lewdly ogles the fat, grey, fiftysomething deliveryman and notes that Piper has "put the 'glut' in 'gluttony.'" Phoebe should mind her tongue, given her talent for putting the "slut" in "slut," the "slag" in "slag," the "tramp" in "tramp," the…eh, you can see where I'm going with that. Prue confronts Piper -- how did all this stuff arrive at the manor so quickly? Piper flipped through the BoS to rustle up some "I want it NOW" spells, violating that ban on using magic for personal gain that caused the gals so much trouble in "Morality Bites." Piper ignores Prue's bitchery to flip the switch on a loud and monstrous fountain. Over the roar of the water she shouts, "Soothing, isn't it?" Snicker.
In the parlor, Miss Phoebe If You're Nasty struts over to the Dolt, who apparently hasn't budged from his sprawl on the sofa. The Dolt tells her she's blocking his view of the new, humongous television set Piper bought for him. She can think of something "more exciting that television." Because she's a whore. That something more exciting is, of course, Miss Phoebe If You're Nasty. She takes the remote from the Dolt and switches off the set. The Dolt whines for her to return the remote, and listlessly lunges across her to retrieve it. Piper fortuitously enters at this point, gives the situation a brief once-over, and shrieks, "Phoebe!" Miss Phoebe If You're Nasty notes that, as Prue has her under house arrest, she must "make do" with what she finds in the manor. Honey, I'd rub up and down on a damn doorknob before I made a move on the Dolt, but I guess you do what you think is necessary. "Get your slutty hands off of my husband!" Piper screams. "Make me," is the cool reply from Miss Phoebe If You're Nasty. Piper hoists a freshly-acquired bust of Shakespeare and prepares to brain the Feebs with it. The wicked Eighth Deadly Bath Bead of Cheap Shots compels me to note the recipient of a proper braining would require a brain to begin with. The sin! Oh, the sin! Will I never be clean?
Where was I? Oh, yeah: Prue yells at them all to get a grip. While Darryl has taken care of the poor Protestant afflicted with the Bath Bead of Envy, they still have to deal with the remaining Bath Bead of Anger. Prue starts to assign duties, again ordering the Dolt to consult with TPTB. The Dolt, in a near stupor (I know, I know. This is different…how?), claims he's too tired to comply. Prue belabors him about his face and neck, snitting that "it's [his] job!" The Dolt yawns and deadpans, "Why bother? You never listen to me anyway." The Dolt orbs up to the Bridal Boudoir for a nap. Prue snots that the sisters don't need the Dolt anyway, as they still have The Power Of Three in their bag of tricks. Speaking of tricks, Miss Phoebe If You're Nasty takes this opportunity to peruse the centerfold of a magazine entitled Men's Fall. Piper dons a pair of boxing gloves and childishly beats her hands together. Prue gapes.
Cut to Officer Package, stomping out of his police station in civvies. The package of Officer Package is packed into a pair of tight-fitting pants, which leads me to believe that he did not, in fact, "turn in his hardware," if you know what I mean. He storms over to his product-placed Ford Explorer and slings a bag into the trunk. Kenickie smokes in beside the vehicle, startling the suspended cop. Kenickie wants to know if Officer Package has ascertained the whereabouts of the poor envious Protestant. Officer Package has not. Kenickie blithers on about Anger being the most painful of the Sins or something. I was far too distracted by the torrid sexual tension between these two in this scene to get the dialogue straight. (The Sin of Cheap Shots pops up to snicker, "'Straight.' Geddit?") Kenickie even -- get this -- slowly slides his hand into Officer Package's pants to pull out the weapon he has hidden there. No, not like that. This isn't Showtime, gang. It's an actual weapon -- an automatic pistol. Which I suppose sounds just as filthy, given the context. Kenickie places the gun in Officer Package's hand and purrs that Officer Package should go after the Halliwells. "Anger always feels better when it has a target," he murmurs, and I totally expect these two to start licking each other's tonsils right there in front of the station.
Manor attic. Prue flips through the BoS in a futile attempt to find more useful information. "Why did only lame witches precede us?" she bitches. "Because no one is as good as you," Piper perks from her rocker. She has her feet immersed in one of those water-massage thingies no one I know owns, and is wrapped in an extravagant marabou-trimmed dressing gown. Prue bitches some more, turning the blaze of her wrath on Miss Phoebe If You're Nasty, whom Prue claims is "sleeping." Ah, but she's not. "I'm having the best premonitions of my life," Miss Phoebe If You're Nasty notes. Seems she's kept a button from Officer Package's torn shirt. "If the movie's anything like the previews," she sighs, "whoah!" I'll just bet, you shameless hussy. Prue blathers on about having to do everything by herself. Piper mutters a dismissive "nuh" and proceeds to knock a live light bulb into the water massage thingie. The resulting electrical shock tosses her into a back flip to the floor. Prue immediately rushes to Piper's aid, but Piper's pretty much okay. The doorbell chimes, and Miss Phoebe If You're Nasty flies to the window to see who's pressing her buzzer. Miss Phoebe If You're Nasty nearly flies out of said window when she realizes the visitor is Officer Package. Prue once again saves the day by yanking Miss Phoebe If You're Nasty back into the attic. Prue actually cries, "For the love of Sin! Don't you two see what's happening?" Oy. Miss Phoebe If You're Nasty just wants to get her some, and runs out to answer the door. Piper decides what Prue needs is a new pair of shoes, and turns to follow Phoebe out of the attic. Prue, again, gapes -- this time with squinting!
Miss Phoebe If You're Nasty flings open the door and greets Officer Package with "I knew you'd come back for me." She quickly realizes that sexual ecstasy will not be on the menu this evening when Officer Package pushes the automatic into her side. He demands to know where the poor envious pastor is. Phoebe doesn't know. Officer Package, convinced she is lying, tosses her into a still-boxed Gateway computer. He then paces through the parlor, smashing purchases and ranting all the while. He blames Phoebe for his suspension, and promises her that "[she's] gonna pay. [She's] gonna pay right now." He rather creepily points the gun at her with both hands as she backs up the stairs, begging for her life. Seriously, that brief bit of threatened violence was a little too realistic for those of us accustomed to the usual cartoonishness of this show. The moment passes, however, when Piper enters from upstairs to squall, "My STUFF!" Officer Package aims the gun at Piper, who freezes him. He pulls himself out of the freeze, though, presumably because the Bath Bead of Gluttony has weakened Piper's powers and the Bath Bead of Anger is too strong to be contained. Officer Package squeezes off a shot that hits the Deluxe Tiffany Stained-Glass Flamingo, and again demands to know the pastor's whereabouts. He re-aims and squeezes off another shot as Phoebe leaps from the stairs to tackle him into another stack of Piper's purchases. Piper busies herself by tumbling down from the landing to crash into more of her new belongings, setting off a chain reaction that results in a large packing crate slamming her to the floor, pinning her underneath. Prue clomps down the stairs as Officer Package staggers to his feet, clawing at his stomach and screaming in Deadly Bath Bead pain. He starts to point the gun into his own face, but Prue TKs a hail of objects on his head until he's been rendered unconscious. Before she can see if Piper and Phoebe are all right, Kenickie smokes onto the landing behind her. He wraps an arm tightly around her neck, telling her she "can't save what is already lost." He smokes them both out of the manor, and we smoke into a commercial break.
Yes, it could very well be the Dog Chow. However, it's more likely to be all that crystal meth Purina's been pumping into every little luscious doggie mouthful.
"YOU! Are ressssponssssible!" Oh, Lizbot. Shut. UP.
Back from the assault on all that is decent and good that is otherwise known as Roswell promos (cancel the show cancel the show cancel the show), Piper crawls to Phoebe's unconscious side. There's a trickle of blood seeping from Phoebe's ear, and while we're supposed to think she was shot, it's more likely the result of a burst eardrum from the gun going off to her head when she tackled Officer Package. Piper, dealing with what appear to be a few cracked ribs herself, calls out for the Dolt as she crawls to the foot of the stairs. She heaves herself up one riser at a time as the camera cuts to the Dolt, passed out in the Bridal Boudoir. Piper staggers into the Boudoir and falls to her knees, dragging some bottles from the dresser to the floor with her as she goes. They shatter, and this noise finally awakens the Dolt. The Dolt, for some unfathomable reason, appears to have been asleep for about three days. Listen up, and listen good, because I doubt I'll ever say anything like this again -- The Dolt doesn't look that bad all scruffy and unshorn. He leaps from the bed upon realizing Piper is injured, and he flares up blue as a result. The Deadly Bath Bead of Sloth shoots out of his back, destination unknown. Piper tells him with all the surprise she can muster that he "just glowed." The Dolt brushes off this observation to lay the special Whitelighter tingly touch on Piper's injuries. She instructs him to take care of the worse-off Phoebe first, and then to search for Prue, who as we know is in the arms of a demon. At this, Piper flares up orange, and the Deadly Bath Bead of Gluttony takes its leave of her body. The Dolt heals Piper, then ruins the scruffy effect he's got going for him by getting all soporifically earnest on the audience's collective ass again. He correctly supposes that the Bath Beads fled as a result of the "selfless" acts of the twosome. "By caring more about your sisters, and by me caring more about you, we overcame [the Deadly Bath Beads]." Piper reasons that, by that logic, the Bath Bead of Lust should have left Phoebe when she dived over the railing to tackle Officer Package. The two head back to the main hall, where the Dolt heals Phoebe's ear. The three head off to find Prue, who "even though she won't admit it," as Piper notes, "is in big trouble."
Evil Carnival of Schlock. Prue struggles, to no effect, against the restraints in which Kenickie has placed her. Prue and Kenickie snipe at each other. Prue continues to assert she can vanquish him. Kenickie smarms that that's just the Bath Bead of Pride talking. However, as he believes that all the other Bath Beads save Envy, Pride, and Anger have done their jobs, he's willing to make a deal with her. He gestures to his cheap plastic box of the Seven Deadly Bath Beads. It contains four. If Prue agrees to reveal the location of the Bath Bead of Envy, Kenickie will remove the Bath Bead of Pride from her and place it back in the box to be used again. See why I was wondering where the hell the Bath Bead of Greed was earlier? Stupid continuity. Or lack thereof. Anyway, Prue doesn't like that idea, as it involves infecting yet more innocents in a never-ending cycle of Bath Bead Hell. Kenickie grabs a long glass staff, which he thumps on the carpet. The "Bottomless Pit of Everlasting Torment" -- or as we like to call it, "Evil Carnival of Schlock, Southern Division" -- opens up in the floor. I'm thisclose to going even further and calling it "Orlando, Florida." Prue, always one with the hidden agenda, agrees to give Kenickie the information he wants, but only if he unties her first. He hesitates, but relents, TKing her bonds to the floor. "You lose! I win! Hah!" she chortles, and leaps into the Bottomless Carnival of Everlasting Orlando Florida.
Oh, hello, Cleansing Burst Of Synchronicity. I've missed you this episode. The Dolt, Piper, and Phoebe enter the Evil Carnival of Schlock just as Prue disappears into the Bottomless Carnival of Everlasting Orlando Florida. The Dolt immediately orbs down after her. Kenickie bitches to no one in particular, "Why did she have to have Pride? Pride is the one sin you can't beat!" "Beat this," Piper snarks, and freezes him. She and Phoebe sidle to the lip of the Bottomless Carnival of Everlasting Orlando Florida to await the Dolt's return. It's soon in coming. Up he orbs with Prue in his arms. Prue bitches that she could have handled the situation herself. Piper and Phoebe deduce that "the only way to get the Pride out of Prue is to vanquish [Kenickie]." Yeah, don't kid yourself, gals. Phoebe tosses the boxed Bath Beads into the still-frozen Kenickie. He flares up appropriately for the Bath Beads of Gluttony, Sloth, Lust, and Greed, and as a result is sucked into the Bottomless Carnival of Everlasting Orlando Florida. Prue flares, and the Bath Bead of Pride floats out of her to settle in the box, where it is presently joined by the Bath Beads of Envy and Anger. Phoebe supposes that this means "the priest and the cop" are out of danger, though it could just as easily mean they're both dead. That's me. It's always half-empty, kids. Always.
Phoebe shuts the box and tosses it into the Bottomless Carnival of Everlasting Orlando Florida. Prue grabs the glass staff and taps it on the carpet. The Bottomless Carnival of Everlasting Orlando Florida closes, ne'er to be seen again. Trust me on that one. Piper notices the crystal containing the soul of the late-yet-unlamented Mr. Pike, which she hands to the Dolt, instructing him to "release [the soul] someplace nice." Out orbs the Dolt. Prue guesses her Lesson Of The Week is that she needed her sisters more than they needed her. Piper pleasantly tells her to stuff it, noting that the true Lesson Of The Week is that they all need each other. Prue babbles on and on as the Whitss kick in on the soundtrack. There are a couple of jump cuts of various San Francisco night scenes that land at last on P3AD. The Whitss, in 2K1 grunge-punk guise, jam in front of the usual crowd of raucous now-jobless dot-com Bay Area yuppies. The weekly summing-up continues apace as Prue wonders why her numerous acts of selflessness while infected with the Bath Bead of Pride did not result in a cure for the infection, as such acts had for Piper, Phoebe, and the Dolt. Piper sagely observes "there is no such thing as 'a selfless act' to Pride." "Any good [Prue] did while in [her] Prideful state," Piper continues, "was [in truth] done for the greater good of Prue." More blather, ending in a clinking of Champagne flutes in a double-toast to the Dolt for saving Prue and to Piper's determination not to worry so much about TPTB.
Phoebe hustles on over. Oh, dear. Huge abomination? You're wearing it, honey. Again. This time, it's some sort of bizarre sky-blue sequined sleeveless tunic riding low on her unfettered tits, over a pair of what appear to be jeans. The front flap is connected to the back flap by a couple of strings, and her abovementioned unfettered tits jiggle wildly up and down underneath. Phoebe's thrilled, because she managed to parlay her recent academic humiliation into a B-minus on her Ethics paper by claiming that her meeting with the professor was "an ethical experiment" in "sexual politics." That outfit could be called an "ethical experiment in sexual politics," and Phoebe, baby, you've flunked. Anyway, Phoebe "will be able to graduate." "And no man," she adds, "not even Cole, is going to stand in my way." Yeah, yeah. Ham-Fisted Foreshadowing? Table for the entire Charmed writing department. Now, normally, I would not reveal the actual name of the Whitss, but the name of this particular version lends itself to a not-that-bad joke, so here goes -- Phoebe gets in another dig at Prue's ever-present pride. Prue announces she "[doesn't] even want to think about sin tonight." Phoebe agrees, and Prue changes the subject, asking Piper for the name of the "pretty interesting band" currently performing. Piper smiles. "Orgy." Snerk. An Orgy of Whitss plays us on out to the closing credits.
week on Charmed: A love will. Darken. [Arken-arken-arken-arken.] A path will be. Chosen. [Osen-osen-osen-osen.] Three will be. Tested. [Ested-ested-ested-ested.] And one will follow her. Heart. [Art-art-art-art.] (Art on this show? Not bloody likely. Dammit! Sorry. That was the Deadly Bath Bead of Cheap Shots again. I promise it'll be gone soon.) No, I have no fucking idea what any of that means. All I do know is they better cram these crappy, senseless, Dawson's-esque promos before I get motivated to head to Los Angeles and bludgeon the entire damn staff. See you week.