First off: no, I do not really believe the leaders of the Chicago chapter of the Brian Krause Fan Club broke into my apartment Thursday afternoon. Unless the leaders of the Chicago chapter of the Brian Krause Fan Club are a couple of crackheads looking for quick cash. Insert your own "then again, now that I think about it" joke here.
Fade up on a desk in a police interrogation room. An Asian man wearing a white t-shirt sits at the table, running his hand through his hair. "I don't get it," he says as Detective Darryl places a paper cup of coffee in front of him. "Who would want to kill me?" Darryl tells the man -- "Mr. Chang" -- that police sources have given the department reason to believe his life is in danger. Darryl points to a copy of that day's Metro section from the newspaper. Chang is featured in an above-the-fold photo, planting trees. Darryl notes there have been four murders in the city in the last week, murders whose victims had appeared in the Metro section the day they were killed. Chang snippily replies that the mayor is in the Metro section nearly every day, and wants to know if the police have been "harassing" him as well. Darryl sighs and pinches the bridge of his nose as Chang rants a bit more. He has no money, he has no enemies. Why are the police detaining him?
Cut to the likely reasons, waiting out in the main hall. Prue, perched on a desk, asks Piper and Phoebe, "So what do we do if Darryl can't convince him to lay low?" Phoebe, leaning against the wall, perks, "Well, we follow him, and if a demon attacks, we kick some Wiccan ass!" I thought they kicked demonic ass. Have I been wrong all these months? Phoebe looks awful, in a way that almost beggars description. Her black knit cap is embroidered with red and purple flowers and pulled down low over her ears. From beneath it, her apparently unwashed hair trails down the sides of her head in a series of greasy, braided, twisted tendrils. Her top is a knit pink poncho thing with fringe, and her pants are black -- and likely leather. She looks like Stevie Nicks. And I hate Stevie Nicks. Her go-get-'em attitude is greeted with surprise by Piper and Prue, as Phoebe's been in that Cole-induced funk of hers for what seems like the last goddamned year. Piper: "Look who's back, and badder than ever." Phoebe notes that "it feels good to be back," and that focusing on her witchy duties is "the best way to put that Cole thing" behind her. "Bad guys beware," she announces. Piper remarks that they have no idea who the current "bad guy" is, as Phoebe eyes Chang emerging from the interrogation room to shrug himself into his motorcycle jacket. "We know who his victim is," she reminds her sisters. Darryl joins them at this point, telling them the only thing he managed to get from Chang was "a migraine." Piper can't believe Darryl is letting Chang walk out of there. Darryl tells them he has no other option, as Chang "declined protection." Darryl asks Phoebe if she's certain Chang is the man she saw murdered in her premonition. Phoebe asserts that he is, and says that Chang was murdered at night, so they'd better do something to protect him. Prue decides that the four will split up into teams of two each to follow Chang. "The first one that sees a demon yells 'vanquish,'" she says, and the four make their way out of the station.
“ 'I dated that demon.' Definitely been there, Prue. Not with a Benjamin Bratt look-alike, unfortunately, but still. ”
Cut to -- wait for it -- a forbidding and darkened alley. Chang, who's apparently a delivery man, exits a Chinese restaurant into said alley, toting a large brown paper bag. He makes his way over to his motorcycle as Prue and Darryl enter the alley behind him. Prue sighs in frustration. "Innocents and alleys. Don't they ever learn?" Shout-out? Or irritating meta-comment on one of the conceits of this show? You decide. Darryl grunts in agreement, and the two start to head over to the bike. A Latino who looks a hell of a lot like Benjamin Bratt enters from the opposite end of the alley. What is this, minority night on Charmed? Mr. Julia Roberts spots Chang and hurls a Flaming Ball Of Death in his direction. Prue TKs the Flaming Ball Of Death against the wall. Chang makes some "what the hell?" noises as Darryl tackles him to the ground. Prue rushes past them to TK Mr. Roberts backwards into a pile of trash. Chang makes some irritated noises as Darryl urges him to "keep [his] head down." Prue approaches Mr. Roberts as he rises from the trash, and prepares to toss some more TK his way. She stops herself, though, apparently recognizing him from his stint on Law & Order. Mr. Roberts takes this opportunity to scuttle on out of the alley. Darryl runs up to Prue's side and asks her why she let Mr. Roberts go. "Iknow that demon," she tells him. Then, more emphatically: "I dated that demon." Definitely been there, Prue. Not with a Benjamin Bratt look-alike, unfortunately, but still. Darryl looks confused as Prue mutters a pondering "huh" to herself.
Chaderm. DEMERCH. MARCHED. RACHMED. ACHDERM. HARDMED. ARCHEMD. RACHEDM. EDCHEMA. CHMARED. CHAREMD. CHARMED. Now you know.
Fade up on a sickly-looking plant on the manor sun porch. Presumably, it's the following morning. An exchange I paid no attention to the first time I watched this follows. "I think they're lost, Piper," Darryl tells her as she empties a watercan into the plant. "Dead," he continues. "They're not," she counters. "Completely," she adds. See what they did there? Wasn't that cute? Okay, I'll shut up now. Phoebe, paging through the Book of Shadows, tells Darryl, "Piper waters when she's nervous." Phoebe's hair is still a braided, tangled, twisted mess, but she's ditched the knit cap in favor of some sort of patterned satin headband-that-really-isn't that arches over the crown of her head. I really need to know what the costume designer for this show is smoking. Darryl asks Piper why she's so tense, given that Mr. Chang has finally agreed to accept the offer of protective custody. "It'sit'sit's not him," Piper splutters, watering another plant on the porch. "It's the 'My Boyfriend Is A Demon' thing. It kind of hits a nerve -- with all of us," she continues, stammering a bit. Cole Guilt Goggle from beneath the headband-that-really-isn't. "I mean, obviously I'm not that upset because I'm with Leo, who's obviously not" Phoebe leans into Darryl, noting that "Piper also babbles when she's nervous." Snicker. Piper "resents" this, and natters on some more about "this continuing issue" in the sisters' lives as Prue enters the porch carrying a yearbook. "What are you babbling about now?" she asks Piper, and Phoebe starts in with that throaty chuckling of hers. Piper notes that if she could freeze her sisters, she'd do it. "Often."
Prue sets the yearbook down on the table. She's opened it to a page celebrating Mr. Roberts, whose real name is Tom Peters. Tom's grinning in the photo like the slap-happy jock idiot he apparently was back in the day. The caption, for those of you interested, reads, "Tom Peters, Football Team Captain. Gold State's football team was 9-2 this year under the leadership of Tom Peters, wide receiver and team captain. He set school records with 96 receptions and 1255 yards during his senior year." "Wide receiver." Snerk. Phoebe didn't know her sister had dated the captain of the football team. "How suburban," she says. Indeed. Darryl remembers Tom, telling the Ps that Tom "blew out his knee his rookie year," after which he was involved in some sort of gambling scandal. A missing-persons report was also filed "about five or six years ago" after Tom "just disappeared." "More like 'went underground,'" Phoebe observes as Prue calls for The Human Dildo. Because I don't feel like typing that out time and time again, he's going back to being The Dolt in this recap. Prue notes that Tom's mother still lives in San Francisco, and stomps back into the manor proper, calling again for The Dolt. Piper supposes "the captain of the football team was a bigger deal than we ever knew," and turns to follow Prue into the kitchen. "Bigger." Snicker. Phoebe and Darryl give each other an eye roll, and rise from the table to head inside.
Prue copies some information on Mama Peters out of the phone book onto a scrap of paper, which she hands to Darryl. Piper, watering the plant on the kitchen table, wonders if the Ps should really be concerning themselves with this matter. Prue snarks that Piper should ask Phoebe that question, as Phoebe's premonition led them to Tom in the first place. As she wonders "where on earth" The Dolt could be, The Dolt in question orbs in. Prue asks him what kept him as Piper moves over for a quick kiss. "I had, uh, have a situation," The Dolt allows by way of response. Piper asks him what sort of situation, jumps to the conclusion that it has to do with their engagement, and starts ripping The Powers That Be a new collective hole. Phoebe cuts her short with "Um -- babbling!" The Dolt reveals that he lost the wedding ring. Prue and Phoebe gawp in disbelief as Piper blows another gasket. Darryl tells them he's got "a ring guy downtown," but Piper's not having it. The ring was their mother's, and she gave it to The Dolt so "he could give it back to [her] at the perfect romantic moment." Would that be one of the moments when you freeze him in bed forno. No, I'm not going there again. Ever. Phoebe: "Leo. You lost Mom's ring. It's a good thing you're dead already." Heh. The Dolt attempts to explain that he had the ring in one of his pockets, but with his orbing everywhere, he misplaced it. Piper informs The Dolt that his "orbs are grass" if he doesn't find it.
Back at the manor, Phoebe lights a candle on the dining room table while Piper absently twiddles a crystal around in her right hand. They recite, "Guiding spirits, I ask your charity. Lend me your focus and clarity. Lead me to the one I cannot find. Restore that and my peace of mind." Prue has returned during this, and walks into the dining room, wondering what's up. Phoebe tells her they're more-or-less scrying for Tom, using a spell both she and Piper wrote. Piper corrects her, telling Prue that Phoebe came up with the spell on her own. Prue's impressed that Phoebe created a "ritual" so quickly. If all that's involved in a ritual are a candle, a crystal, and some really bad verse, she shouldn't be that impressed at all. Piper snarks that Phoebe didn't come up with the spell as quickly as Prue might think. Phoebe kicks Piper under the table and changes the subject, asking Prue what happened at the House of Delusion. Prue expresses her pity, telling them Mama Peters "talks about [Tom] as if he's been gone a week instead of six years -- and she actually thinks he's coming back." Prue reminds them they've "saved bad boys before." Piper reminds her that those bad boys "wanted to be saved," and says they don't know if Tom wants their help. She hints at the whole Colethazor thing, and Phoebe tells her to shut it. Phoebe asks if Prue has a plan of attack should the spell work. Is Prue prepared to vanquish her jock ex if necessary? Prue "hope[s] it won't come to that." The discussion is interrupted by a thump at the front door. The Ps scamper off to investigate.
Prue opens the door to find a rolled-up copy of the Herald on the front porch and wonders "when they started delivering newspapers in the afternoon." Maybe when "they" started publishing a paper called the Herald in San Francisco. Phoebe notes all the photos save one have disappeared. The one that remains is of "Claudia Gibson," the innocent from the Metro section who Ron sent the jock after that morning. Ms. Gibson is scheduled to deliver a speech on some mayoral initiative at two o'clock, which, Phoebe notes, is "ten minutes ago." The Ps quickly realize that Claudia has a bulls-eye painted on her back with Tom's name written all over it, and head off to find her. Cut to Claudia leaving her two o'clock with a couple of colleagues. She heads off on her own down the street to her car as Tom darts into view behind her. Close-up of the jock, and I'm compelled to note that he's all kinds of cute. I guess only ugly demons with British accents and unfortunate facial hair get vanquished on this show.
The Halliwell SUV tears up behind the pair, and the Ps jump out just as Tom flings a Flaming Ball Of Death at Claudia's back. Piper freezes Tom, Claudia, and the FBOD. The Ps trot over to the frozen group, with Piper more than willing to dust Tom's ass right there. Prue tells the other two that there will be no smackdowns laid upon Tom on her watch. Phoebe reminds Prue that Tom came thisclose to killing the mayor's flack. Prue: Yeah, well, he didn't. She TKs the FBOD into a parked car, where it vanquishes a tire. Prue, sweetheart, really. You couldn't have shunted it into a tree or something? Saving innocents is important and all, but you just vandalized private property, hon. Eh, whatever. The car probably belongs to some tedious dot-com yuppie anyway. Where was I? Oh, yeah -- Prue tells the other two they need to get Tom back to the manor, pronto. Phoebe and Piper look aghast at this suggestion, and Phoebe voices her dissent. Prue's not having it. She heads over to the jock as we cut to commercial. Finally.
Piper realizes that "everything is coming back to where it was lost," then realizes what Phoebe just admitted. Her train of thought is interrupted by a mound of socks pushing its way out of the laundry room into the kitchen. Phoebe admits that perhaps the side effects of her spell are greater than what she had anticipated. Piper tells her that the socks "had better be clean. Otherwise it's laundry day for you, missy." And that was the most amusing scene I've seen thus far on this show. Hee!
Up in the attic, Prue has a little chat with Tom. He denies ever having known her. She reveals that she knows about his bargain with Hell, the academy, the chevrons, and that he hasn't "killed an innocent yet." He struggles in vain against the ropes binding him to the chair, then tells her Ron will kill them both. Prue places the yearbook in his lap, reminding him that his image therein represents who he really is and who his "mother is waiting for." Way to push his nose into his failings in life, Prue. Tom calms down a bit and tells her that she either vanquishes him or he kills her. Prue replies, "Neither is going to happen. I am going to save you from yourself whether you like it or not." Oh, yeah. Codependency, table for two. She slams the yearbook down and leaves the attic, TKing Tom's ropes loose as she goes. He tugs at the ropes again as we cut to Prue, blathering a plan of action as she enters the kitchen. Her words sputter to a halt as she surveys the growing collection of lost items Piper and Phoebe have been finding "all over the house." Phoebe notes that her "lost-and-found spell is a little too enthusiastic." Piper is most displeased. Darryl asks if they've considered the possibility that the spell will recall demons they had taken care of in the past. Prue says she'd rather take care of "one demon at a time," and asks Darryl what he dug up on Tom. All he has is the missing-persons report. Prue tells him he needs to research Ron as the sound of the front door slamming comes in from the hall. Prue tells the others she decided to let the jock go, so they can follow him back to Ron and break Ron's hold on him. The Ps hustle out, leaving Darryl alone. An ominous breeze wafts through the room, accompanied by appropriately-eerie mouth-breathing noises. Balloons and teacups sway. Cereal boxes topple over. Darryl gets the hell out of there.
Hallway leading to Ron's office. The Ps watch Tom pass through the door, then follow behind him. Prue kicks the door open. The office is empty. Piper has "a bad feeling about this." Cut to the Elevator Of Doom zooming downwards to nether regions now known. The doors open, and the jock steps into the Perlman Academy of Demonic Arts and Crafts. The set-up is medieval-dungeon-like, with stone walls and flaming torches. And a big wrestling ring in the middle. Oy. A couple of enforcers escort the jock over to Ron, who's lecturing a small group on disposing bodies or something. Tom interrupts to tells Ron that, while he didn't kill Claudia, he can provide Ron with "three witches." Ron, apparently having missed The Source's memo on the Charmed Ones, could care less. He excoriates the jock for missing the deadline, adding that he can smell Tom's resurgent humanity. Ron tells the jock he needs "a refresher course." The lights above the ring flash on, and the enforcers drag Tom to the opposite side.