First off: no, I do not really believe the leaders of the Chicago chapter of the Brian Krause Fan Club broke into my apartment Thursday afternoon. Unless the leaders of the Chicago chapter of the Brian Krause Fan Club are a couple of crackheads looking for quick cash. Insert your own "then again, now that I think about it" joke here.
Fade up on a desk in a police interrogation room. An Asian man wearing a white t-shirt sits at the table, running his hand through his hair. "I don't get it," he says as Detective Darryl places a paper cup of coffee in front of him. "Who would want to kill me?" Darryl tells the man -- "Mr. Chang" -- that police sources have given the department reason to believe his life is in danger. Darryl points to a copy of that day's Metro section from the newspaper. Chang is featured in an above-the-fold photo, planting trees. Darryl notes there have been four murders in the city in the last week, murders whose victims had appeared in the Metro section the day they were killed. Chang snippily replies that the mayor is in the Metro section nearly every day, and wants to know if the police have been "harassing" him as well. Darryl sighs and pinches the bridge of his nose as Chang rants a bit more. He has no money, he has no enemies. Why are the police detaining him?
Cut to the likely reasons, waiting out in the main hall. Prue, perched on a desk, asks Piper and Phoebe, "So what do we do if Darryl can't convince him to lay low?" Phoebe, leaning against the wall, perks, "Well, we follow him, and if a demon attacks, we kick some Wiccan ass!" I thought they kicked demonic ass. Have I been wrong all these months? Phoebe looks awful, in a way that almost beggars description. Her black knit cap is embroidered with red and purple flowers and pulled down low over her ears. From beneath it, her apparently unwashed hair trails down the sides of her head in a series of greasy, braided, twisted tendrils. Her top is a knit pink poncho thing with fringe, and her pants are black -- and likely leather. She looks like Stevie Nicks. And I hate Stevie Nicks. Her go-get-'em attitude is greeted with surprise by Piper and Prue, as Phoebe's been in that Cole-induced funk of hers for what seems like the last goddamned year. Piper: "Look who's back, and badder than ever." Phoebe notes that "it feels good to be back," and that focusing on her witchy duties is "the best way to put that Cole thing" behind her. "Bad guys beware," she announces. Piper remarks that they have no idea who the current "bad guy" is, as Phoebe eyes Chang emerging from the interrogation room to shrug himself into his motorcycle jacket. "We know who his victim is," she reminds her sisters. Darryl joins them at this point, telling them the only thing he managed to get from Chang was "a migraine." Piper can't believe Darryl is letting Chang walk out of there. Darryl tells them he has no other option, as Chang "declined protection." Darryl asks Phoebe if she's certain Chang is the man she saw murdered in her premonition. Phoebe asserts that he is, and says that Chang was murdered at night, so they'd better do something to protect him. Prue decides that the four will split up into teams of two each to follow Chang. "The first one that sees a demon yells 'vanquish,'" she says, and the four make their way out of the station.
Cut to -- wait for it -- a forbidding and darkened alley. Chang, who's apparently a delivery man, exits a Chinese restaurant into said alley, toting a large brown paper bag. He makes his way over to his motorcycle as Prue and Darryl enter the alley behind him. Prue sighs in frustration. "Innocents and alleys. Don't they ever learn?" Shout-out? Or irritating meta-comment on one of the conceits of this show? You decide. Darryl grunts in agreement, and the two start to head over to the bike. A Latino who looks a hell of a lot like Benjamin Bratt enters from the opposite end of the alley. What is this, minority night on Charmed? Mr. Julia Roberts spots Chang and hurls a Flaming Ball Of Death in his direction. Prue TKs the Flaming Ball Of Death against the wall. Chang makes some "what the hell?" noises as Darryl tackles him to the ground. Prue rushes past them to TK Mr. Roberts backwards into a pile of trash. Chang makes some irritated noises as Darryl urges him to "keep [his] head down." Prue approaches Mr. Roberts as he rises from the trash, and prepares to toss some more TK his way. She stops herself, though, apparently recognizing him from his stint on Law & Order. Mr. Roberts takes this opportunity to scuttle on out of the alley. Darryl runs up to Prue's side and asks her why she let Mr. Roberts go. "I…know that demon," she tells him. Then, more emphatically: "I dated that demon." Definitely been there, Prue. Not with a Benjamin Bratt look-alike, unfortunately, but still. Darryl looks confused as Prue mutters a pondering "huh" to herself.
Chaderm. DEMERCH. MARCHED. RACHMED. ACHDERM. HARDMED. ARCHEMD. RACHEDM. EDCHEMA. CHMARED. CHAREMD. CHARMED. Now you know.
Fade up on a sickly-looking plant on the manor sun porch. Presumably, it's the following morning. An exchange I paid no attention to the first time I watched this follows. "I think they're lost, Piper," Darryl tells her as she empties a watercan into the plant. "Dead," he continues. "They're not," she counters. "Completely," she adds. See what they did there? Wasn't that cute? Okay, I'll shut up now. Phoebe, paging through the Book of Shadows, tells Darryl, "Piper waters when she's nervous." Phoebe's hair is still a braided, tangled, twisted mess, but she's ditched the knit cap in favor of some sort of patterned satin headband-that-really-isn't that arches over the crown of her head. I really need to know what the costume designer for this show is smoking. Darryl asks Piper why she's so tense, given that Mr. Chang has finally agreed to accept the offer of protective custody. "It's…it's…it's not him," Piper splutters, watering another plant on the porch. "It's the 'My Boyfriend Is A Demon' thing. It kind of hits a nerve -- with all of us," she continues, stammering a bit. Cole Guilt Goggle from beneath the headband-that-really-isn't. "I mean, obviously I'm not that upset because I'm with Leo, who's obviously not…" Phoebe leans into Darryl, noting that "Piper also babbles when she's nervous." Snicker. Piper "resents" this, and natters on some more about "this continuing issue" in the sisters' lives as Prue enters the porch carrying a yearbook. "What are you babbling about now?" she asks Piper, and Phoebe starts in with that throaty chuckling of hers. Piper notes that if she could freeze her sisters, she'd do it. "Often."
Prue sets the yearbook down on the table. She's opened it to a page celebrating Mr. Roberts, whose real name is Tom Peters. Tom's grinning in the photo like the slap-happy jock idiot he apparently was back in the day. The caption, for those of you interested, reads, "Tom Peters, Football Team Captain. Gold State's football team was 9-2 this year under the leadership of Tom Peters, wide receiver and team captain. He set school records with 96 receptions and 1255 yards during his senior year." "Wide receiver." Snerk. Phoebe didn't know her sister had dated the captain of the football team. "How suburban," she says. Indeed. Darryl remembers Tom, telling the Ps that Tom "blew out his knee his rookie year," after which he was involved in some sort of gambling scandal. A missing-persons report was also filed "about five or six years ago" after Tom "just disappeared." "More like 'went underground,'" Phoebe observes as Prue calls for The Human Dildo. Because I don't feel like typing that out time and time again, he's going back to being The Dolt in this recap. Prue notes that Tom's mother still lives in San Francisco, and stomps back into the manor proper, calling again for The Dolt. Piper supposes "the captain of the football team was a bigger deal than we ever knew," and turns to follow Prue into the kitchen. "Bigger." Snicker. Phoebe and Darryl give each other an eye roll, and rise from the table to head inside.
Prue copies some information on Mama Peters out of the phone book onto a scrap of paper, which she hands to Darryl. Piper, watering the plant on the kitchen table, wonders if the Ps should really be concerning themselves with this matter. Prue snarks that Piper should ask Phoebe that question, as Phoebe's premonition led them to Tom in the first place. As she wonders "where on earth" The Dolt could be, The Dolt in question orbs in. Prue asks him what kept him as Piper moves over for a quick kiss. "I had, uh, have a situation," The Dolt allows by way of response. Piper asks him what sort of situation, jumps to the conclusion that it has to do with their engagement, and starts ripping The Powers That Be a new collective hole. Phoebe cuts her short with "Um -- babbling!" The Dolt reveals that he lost the wedding ring. Prue and Phoebe gawp in disbelief as Piper blows another gasket. Darryl tells them he's got "a ring guy downtown," but Piper's not having it. The ring was their mother's, and she gave it to The Dolt so "he could give it back to [her] at the perfect romantic moment." Would that be one of the moments when you freeze him in bed for…no. No, I'm not going there again. Ever. Phoebe: "Leo. You lost Mom's ring. It's a good thing you're dead already." Heh. The Dolt attempts to explain that he had the ring in one of his pockets, but with his orbing everywhere, he misplaced it. Piper informs The Dolt that his "orbs are grass" if he doesn't find it.
Prue shuts them all up, interrogating The Dolt about the matter at hand: is it possible for humans to go demon? The Dolt tells them there have been "rumors" about such transformations. They generally involve a human in need who is approached by a demonic recruiter. A "classic, Faustian deal" is struck, and the unlucky guy is sent to a "training camp" whose purpose is to scour all traces of humanity from the former innocent. The human "graduates" into full-fledged demonhood when he offs an innocent. Darryl notes that it resembles "a gang initiation," and Phoebe tells Darryl that he now has an explanation for the four unsolved murders that week. "It must be graduation time at the academy," she guesses. Prue asserts that Tom is one "human they won't demonize." Phoebe wonders if they might be too late to stop the transformation. Prue reminds her that they prevented Tom from offing Chang, so Tom still has a shot at redemption. Prue announces she's heading off for a visit with Mama Peters, and tells Piper and Phoebe to work on a spell to locate Tom while she's gone.
Cut to the former football captain himself, entering an office somewhere in the city. It resembles the same set they used for the Demonic Day Traders in "Magic Hour," only they've replaced the laptops and bad eighties art with sports paraphernalia. A thin-lipped, white-knuckled white boy sits across a desk from Ron Perlman, whom he addresses as "Mr. Kellman." Screw that. He's "Ron" for the duration. Thin Lips splutters to Ron that he'll pay off his debt to Ron somehow. Ron, not having it, rises from his chair and strides around the desk as Thin Lips rises to his feet. Ron Perlman effortlessly personifies menace in just about everything I've ever seen him in, so I won't bother you with any redundant description of his manner in this or any other scene he has this evening. The guy just oozes evil from every pore and through every gravelly-voiced word he utters. Wow. They finally cast a guest demon who can really act. One-note acting, but still. Go figure. Thin Lips tells Ron he'll "do anything." Ron raises a hand, and elevator doors morph into view in the wall behind him. Ron assures Thin Lips that he will, indeed, do anything, and tosses Thin Lips into the Elevator Of Doom. Thin Lips screams, "No!" as the doors slide shut, and we get a shot of the Elevator Of Doom zooming downwards to nether regions unknown.
The elevator doors morph back into a wall. Ron adjusts his lapels and approaches Tom. "I don't have to go over all this with you, too?" Ron asks. Tom assures Ron that his failure to dust Chang is "a temporary setback." Ron exposits that just as Tom has a contract with him, Ron himself has a contract with The Source. Ron has to graduate five full-fledged demons by the following evening, or he is toast. Tom fills him in on Prue's intervention the night, but says he's certain that Prue has no idea where he is.
Ron decides there is no immediate danger to himself or Tom, as Prue is apparently tracking the innocents rather than the demons. So, of course, he grabs that morning's Metro section and sends Tom after the woman who appears in the photo above the fold. Tom sets off as Ron tells him to "hurry, or there'll be hell to pay." Ha ha not. It is never explained why the victims are chosen from the paper; nor is it explained why Ron continues to use this method of selection now that Prue is onto them. Tom could just slaughter the first person he comes across, but then I suppose we wouldn't have anywhere to go with this episode, so I guess I'll shut up. I'm just glad Contrivance is stuck in New York. The gas bills for the water heater have been bad enough this winter without Contrivance spending all of his downtime in my shower. ["Don't count your chickens yet, my friend. Contrivance spent most of last night hogging my computer to check Priceline." -- Sars]
Manor kitchen. Phoebe and The Dolt argue about Phoebe's need to tell Piper and Prue about Cole. Phoebe tells The Dolt that the matter is not an easy one to drop into casual conversation. The Dolt tells her that "confession is good for the soul." Whatever, Brother Pius Dumbass of the Order of the Irritating Heart of Morons. Phoebe wants to "skip the confession and go straight to the penance." She reminds The Dolt she has "a demon to vanquish" and he has "a ring to find." Phoebe leaves The Dolt alone in the kitchen and heads off to join Piper on the sun porch. Piper waters another damn plant as Phoebe riffles through the pages of the BoS. Phoebe mentions that her research turned up spells for finding witches and "lost loves," but the book has nothing on determining the whereabouts of demons. I suppose they can't rewrite the "magic calling magic" spell Prue reworked to summon Kwell in "Sleuthing with the Enemy" because Tom isn't a full demon yet.
I pause to consider that last sentence. I think an intervention on my behalf is in order. If I can remember a stupid little detail like that, I'm well on my way to becoming the kind of guy who will one day travel Trekkie-like from one goddamned Charmed fan convention to the , arguing the finer points of demonic possession, the powers of an empath, and the guidelines that govern Whitelighters. On second thought, forget the intervention. Just shoot me in the head.
Just kidding. Like this show is ever going to have fan conventions. As if.
Anyway, Piper notes that perhaps the reason the BoS lacks a demon-locating spell is the fact the demons tend to locate the sisters first. Phoebe tells Piper that "there has to be a way" to find Tom. Piper distractedly replies that if there is, Prue will have to be the one to figure it out. She then asks Phoebe if there's anything in the BoS to assist The Dolt in his ring search. Phoebe tells Piper they can't shirk their responsibility, and that they have to find Tom before he gets a chance to kill anyone else. Piper: "Okay, then do you got a spell?" A light switches on in the dark recesses of Phoebe's brain. "Maybe."
Cut to Phoebe's boudoir, where the lady herself slides a small wooden chest out from beneath her bed. She scoots onto the bed, places the chest on her lap, and eases open the lid. Phoebe rummages about a bit, then pulls out a folded piece of notepaper. As Phoebe hesitantly opens up the spell, Piper enters. "I'm afraid to ask," Piper says, eyeing the Cole Guilt Goggle plastered all over Phoebe's face. Phoebe tells Piper the spell is "just something that [she] thought [she] needed and then decided that [she] didn't." Piper plucks the paper out of Phoebe's hands with an "ohhhh-kay," as Phoebe notes that "it's a 'lost-and-found' spell." "Perfect timing," Piper replies as she reads. She levels her gaze at Phoebe and asks, "Do I want to know what you were trying to find?" Phoebe with the Cole Guilt Goggle. Pause. Piper waiting for an answer. Pause. Phoebe, eventually: "Cole." Piper raises an eyebrow at this and wonders if Phoebe really thought she could bring a demon back from beyond the grave. Phoebe finally reveals that she let Cole go. Piper's eyes understandably bug out a bit at this news. A bit of back-and-forth between the two as Piper essentially asks Phoebe if she realizes what she's done, and Phoebe essentially reassures her sister that she's certain the Colethazor is no longer a threat. Piper insists that they inform Prue. Phoebe: "She won't understand." Piper, through clenched teeth: "She's not the only one."
Cut to Chez Peters. Mama Peters has been keeping Tom's bedroom the way he left it in hopes of his return. The bed is made, football posters hang on the walls, and various trophies and citations are neatly arranged throughout. "He was so fast," Mama Peters says. "His coach said he could have run track too, but all Tom cares about is football." There is no way I can bust on this woman. Her son's been missing for more than six years, and she's still using the present tense. It's sad. Prue apologizes for not keeping in touch, and asks her what Tom's mood was like after he suffered his career-ending injury. Mama Peters notes, "He was depressed, but I understood it." Prue hints about the gambling scandal rumors, but Mama Peters denies them. No one has come looking for money from her, and "Mr. Kellman would have told [her] if there was a problem." Prue repeats the name. Mama Peters tells her that Ron Perlman is Tom's "business manager" and adds, "He was a wonderful help to me after Tom…went away." This woman is killing me, here. Prue gently asks Mama Peters what she thinks became of her son. Mama Peters supposes he "has some things to take care of, and he'll be home when he can." She adds firmly, "My son is a good man," and Prue smiles sadly at this poor, deluded woman.
Back at the manor, Phoebe lights a candle on the dining room table while Piper absently twiddles a crystal around in her right hand. They recite, "Guiding spirits, I ask your charity. Lend me your focus and clarity. Lead me to the one I cannot find. Restore that and my peace of mind." Prue has returned during this, and walks into the dining room, wondering what's up. Phoebe tells her they're more-or-less scrying for Tom, using a spell both she and Piper wrote. Piper corrects her, telling Prue that Phoebe came up with the spell on her own. Prue's impressed that Phoebe created a "ritual" so quickly. If all that's involved in a ritual are a candle, a crystal, and some really bad verse, she shouldn't be that impressed at all. Piper snarks that Phoebe didn't come up with the spell as quickly as Prue might think. Phoebe kicks Piper under the table and changes the subject, asking Prue what happened at the House of Delusion. Prue expresses her pity, telling them Mama Peters "talks about [Tom] as if he's been gone a week instead of six years -- and she actually thinks he's coming back." Prue reminds them they've "saved bad boys before." Piper reminds her that those bad boys "wanted to be saved," and says they don't know if Tom wants their help. She hints at the whole Colethazor thing, and Phoebe tells her to shut it. Phoebe asks if Prue has a plan of attack should the spell work. Is Prue prepared to vanquish her jock ex if necessary? Prue "hope[s] it won't come to that." The discussion is interrupted by a thump at the front door. The Ps scamper off to investigate.
Prue opens the door to find a rolled-up copy of the Herald on the front porch and wonders "when they started delivering newspapers in the afternoon." Maybe when "they" started publishing a paper called the Herald in San Francisco. Phoebe notes all the photos save one have disappeared. The one that remains is of "Claudia Gibson," the innocent from the Metro section who Ron sent the jock after that morning. Ms. Gibson is scheduled to deliver a speech on some mayoral initiative at two o'clock, which, Phoebe notes, is "ten minutes ago." The Ps quickly realize that Claudia has a bulls-eye painted on her back with Tom's name written all over it, and head off to find her. Cut to Claudia leaving her two o'clock with a couple of colleagues. She heads off on her own down the street to her car as Tom darts into view behind her. Close-up of the jock, and I'm compelled to note that he's all kinds of cute. I guess only ugly demons with British accents and unfortunate facial hair get vanquished on this show.
The Halliwell SUV tears up behind the pair, and the Ps jump out just as Tom flings a Flaming Ball Of Death at Claudia's back. Piper freezes Tom, Claudia, and the FBOD. The Ps trot over to the frozen group, with Piper more than willing to dust Tom's ass right there. Prue tells the other two that there will be no smackdowns laid upon Tom on her watch. Phoebe reminds Prue that Tom came thisclose to killing the mayor's flack. Prue: Yeah, well, he didn't. She TKs the FBOD into a parked car, where it vanquishes a tire. Prue, sweetheart, really. You couldn't have shunted it into a tree or something? Saving innocents is important and all, but you just vandalized private property, hon. Eh, whatever. The car probably belongs to some tedious dot-com yuppie anyway. Where was I? Oh, yeah -- Prue tells the other two they need to get Tom back to the manor, pronto. Phoebe and Piper look aghast at this suggestion, and Phoebe voices her dissent. Prue's not having it. She heads over to the jock as we cut to commercial. Finally.
"Oh. GURRRL." Snicker.
Attic. Prue leafs through the BoS as the jock struggles against the restraints the sisters have placed him in. Piper freezes him. If you ask me, the jock is the guy Piper should be freezing on a regular basis in the old boudoir, if you know what I mean. That mental image is a little more pleasant than the other one. Piper asks Prue if she's found anything pertinent. Prue answers in the negative, leading Piper to suggest that now might be the time for Phoebe's confession. The phone rings, and Phoebe suggests that Piper escort her pushy ass downstairs to answer it. Piper tells Phoebe that God created answering machines for situations like this one. Prue tells them both to can it, telling them that she found an entry on the Perlman Academy of Demonic Arts and Crafts in the BoS. The gist of the entry reveals that, if the jock has been completely converted, he'll have six chevrons branded on his arm. Piper checks. There are only five. Phoebe again suggests that they vanquish the jock while they have the chance. Prue launches into another tiresome speech about Cole and Phoebe's attitude towards him. Tom thankfully cuts it short by unfreezing. Prue approaches him, asking him if he remembers her from college. He shoots an FBOD past her head in response. Snerk. What did you do to the poor guy back then, Prue? Piper, reading my mind: "Does that mean he remembers you, or he doesn't?" Snicker. The phone jangles again in the kitchen. Prue sends Piper and Phoebe downstairs to take care of it so she can have a little quality time with her ex.
Doorbell. Phoebe answers. It's Darryl, with Tom's police file. A fluffy white dog trots in behind him, heads into the parlor, and jumps up on the sofa. Piper storms through the hall, bitching, "Rasputin! Get off of the…" Then she stops herself and makes a "whuh?" face. Darryl asks them when they got a dog. Phoebe tells him Rasputin was Grams's pet. Piper adds, with extreme annoyance, that he's been missing for seven years. Phoebe tells Piper that it's "a minor side effect" of the spell they cast, and they can handle it. The phone continues to ring. Piper tosses her hands in the air in frustration, wondering why the machine isn't picking up, and stomps off into the kitchen. Phoebe baby-talks an explanation about the whole lost-and-found thing, but Darryl doesn't want to hear about it. Rasputin contentedly eyes the scene from his perch on the couch.
In the kitchen, Piper sees that the answering machine is full, and takes the call. It's "an old friend of Prue's." Piper searches the cupboard for a pen to take a message, but recoils when hundreds of pens and pencils fall to the floor from the drawer she opens. Among them is the ring The Dolt had misplaced. Piper tells Prue's friend to call back later, and hangs up. Phoebe enters and asks Piper what she's found. Piper turns to Phoebe and gasps. "Lost friends, Mom's ring," Piper replies, rising, "and your brown hair." Phoebe picks up a serving platter to check her reflection, and disconcertedly confirms her hair has indeed switched suddenly from blonde to brown. Darryl: "You were a blonde when you answered the door. How'd it change?" Phoebe: "Well, it must be because I colored my hair in that sink, so technically I lost it there, and now I found it again." She pauses, then continues, "I hope this doesn't affect my virginity."
Piper realizes that "everything is coming back to where it was lost," then realizes what Phoebe just admitted. Her train of thought is interrupted by a mound of socks pushing its way out of the laundry room into the kitchen. Phoebe admits that perhaps the side effects of her spell are greater than what she had anticipated. Piper tells her that the socks "had better be clean. Otherwise it's laundry day for you, missy." And that was the most amusing scene I've seen thus far on this show. Hee!
Up in the attic, Prue has a little chat with Tom. He denies ever having known her. She reveals that she knows about his bargain with Hell, the academy, the chevrons, and that he hasn't "killed an innocent yet." He struggles in vain against the ropes binding him to the chair, then tells her Ron will kill them both. Prue places the yearbook in his lap, reminding him that his image therein represents who he really is and who his "mother is waiting for." Way to push his nose into his failings in life, Prue. Tom calms down a bit and tells her that she either vanquishes him or he kills her. Prue replies, "Neither is going to happen. I am going to save you from yourself whether you like it or not." Oh, yeah. Codependency, table for two. She slams the yearbook down and leaves the attic, TKing Tom's ropes loose as she goes. He tugs at the ropes again as we cut to Prue, blathering a plan of action as she enters the kitchen. Her words sputter to a halt as she surveys the growing collection of lost items Piper and Phoebe have been finding "all over the house." Phoebe notes that her "lost-and-found spell is a little too enthusiastic." Piper is most displeased. Darryl asks if they've considered the possibility that the spell will recall demons they had taken care of in the past. Prue says she'd rather take care of "one demon at a time," and asks Darryl what he dug up on Tom. All he has is the missing-persons report. Prue tells him he needs to research Ron as the sound of the front door slamming comes in from the hall. Prue tells the others she decided to let the jock go, so they can follow him back to Ron and break Ron's hold on him. The Ps hustle out, leaving Darryl alone. An ominous breeze wafts through the room, accompanied by appropriately-eerie mouth-breathing noises. Balloons and teacups sway. Cereal boxes topple over. Darryl gets the hell out of there.
Hallway leading to Ron's office. The Ps watch Tom pass through the door, then follow behind him. Prue kicks the door open. The office is empty. Piper has "a bad feeling about this." Cut to the Elevator Of Doom zooming downwards to nether regions now known. The doors open, and the jock steps into the Perlman Academy of Demonic Arts and Crafts. The set-up is medieval-dungeon-like, with stone walls and flaming torches. And a big wrestling ring in the middle. Oy. A couple of enforcers escort the jock over to Ron, who's lecturing a small group on disposing bodies or something. Tom interrupts to tells Ron that, while he didn't kill Claudia, he can provide Ron with "three witches." Ron, apparently having missed The Source's memo on the Charmed Ones, could care less. He excoriates the jock for missing the deadline, adding that he can smell Tom's resurgent humanity. Ron tells the jock he needs "a refresher course." The lights above the ring flash on, and the enforcers drag Tom to the opposite side.
Up in the office, Piper toys with a soccer ball and correctly guesses that Ron poses as a human manager to ensnare wayward athletes. Insert your own National Football League reference here. There are so many to choose from. ["I'll take 'Rae Carruth' for $200, Alex." -- Sars] Prue suggests that Phoebe rework her lost-and-found spell to figure out how the jock got out of the office unnoticed. Phoebe complies: "Show me the path that I cannot find to save Tom and restore Prue's peace of mind." The elevator doors morph open on the wall. Prue: "Way to go, Pheebs." The three head to the elevator as we cut to this evening's guest "entertainment." I don't follow World Championship Wrestling, and I had to go back to the promo to get the guys' names right, so don't expect my take on the wrestling sequences to be terribly descriptive. The enforcers toss Tom up against the ropes on the outside of the ring. Ron wants him to see what's about to happen. Thin Lips from all those many scenes ago is in the ring with "Slammer." I'm sure Slammer will forgive me for saying this, but Slammer looks like a cheap porn star. Slammer is also about twice the size of Thin Lips, which makes me think the sport Thin Lips specialized in prior to his demonic recruitment was table tennis. Slammer pounds Thin Lips. The phrase "You want your mama?" is deployed. Slammer tosses Thin Lips onto his back on the mat. Cut to the Elevator Of Doom. The Ps enter and banter about dying. The doors close, and the Elevator Of Doom zooms downwards to nether regions now known as the sisters scream. The doors open to reveal the mildly-amusing tableau of the Ps staggering against each other from the shock of the ride. They enter the Perlman Academy of Demonic Arts and Crafts and watch Slammer slamming Thin Lips. No, not like that. Slammer pins Thin Lips, and a flaming portal to Hell opens up on the mat. Overhead shot of Slammer grinding his groin into Thin Lips's torso as Thin Lips flails futilely beneath him. Tom looks worried. The sisters gaze in horror as Thin Lips falls screaming into the Hellmouth, which seals itself after devouring him. Ron screams, "!" and the enforcers push Tom into the ring. Slammer flaps his hand all "bring it on" as the Ps gape and we cut to commercial.
Back from break, Slammer starts pounding Tom in the ring. Prue moves to stop it, but is held back by Piper and Phoebe. More wrestling. Tom's getting his ass kicked. Phoebe suggests they head back upstairs to "rethink this whole thing." Prue insists they soldier on. Phoebe acidly notes that it's fine if they try to save a demon, just as long as said demon is one of Prue's. Prue glares as Piper notes that it's more than stupid for the Charmed Ones to risk their lives for one person. Wrestle, wrestle, wrestle. Prue reminds the other two that they "don't get to pick and choose who to save," and the three move to stop the fight. A group of demon trainees closes in, but Piper freezes them. Ron tosses a metal sphere with a trio of nasty-looking razors spiking out of it towards Tom in the ring. The sphere hovers at his neck. Ron tells them that their "little parlor tricks" might work on the recruits, but they have no effect on him. He lifts his sleeve to reveal eight or nine chevrons branded onto his forearm, and we cut to a filing room in the police station.
The Dolt orbs in behind Darryl, who rushes to close the door as he chides The Dolt for pulling his Whitelighter schtick where others might see it. The Dolt can't get a read on the sisters' location, and quizzes Darryl about recent events. Darryl tells him the Ps have gone after Ron, and hands The Dolt the information he's managed to pull on Tom's "manager." The Dolt gets Ron's address from the file and orbs out, ignoring the questions Darryl is asking him. Darryl: "Oh, now, see. That ain't right." Snerk.
Perlman Academy of Demonic Arts and Crafts. Threats and negotiation. The Ps know Ron's running up against his deadline, and will risk the wrath of The Source if he allows Tom to die. The jock pipes up that he's more than willing to abide by the deal he's made with Ron. Ron waves his hand, and the sphere at Tom's neck disappears. Ron oozes that he knew the jock would see things his way, and promises Tom "a perfect kill." Piper: "Not if we put him on ice." She freezes the jock and smirks. Ron threatens bodily harm, but Piper claims that, if she's hurt, everyone she's frozen will remain that way. Ron thinks she's bluffing, but is willing to talk. Prue makes him an offer. She and Phoebe will go up against two of Ron's minions in the ring. If she and Phoebe win, Tom and the sisters go free. If they lose, Ron keeps Tom, and the sisters die. Ron agrees.
The Ps retreat to the dungeon hallway to strategize. Phoebe chooses this moment to tell Prue about Cole. Before Prue gets a chance to process this information, Ron interrupts to introduce the gals to their opponents. They're two guys whose WCW names are "Thunder" and "Mega-Man." Mega-Man trash-talks about not knowing the meaning of the word "mercy." It's all so very tiresome. Prue straps her bitch on. Phoebe asks if she and Prue are "okay." Prue tells her to put a sock in it, and the three head to the ring. Prue and Phoebe climb through the ropes, Prue telling Phoebe, "I'm going to win this fight and save your ass. That way, I get to kick it myself later." The wrestling sequence starts off with Prue leaping into the air and kicking the two guys in the head at the same time. Phoebe squares off with Thunder, while Prue goes after Mega-Man. Piper plays the manager at ringside, shouting words of encouragement at her sisters. It's not working very well. Ron flicks a razor sphere into Piper's spine. She collapses to the floor, and the trainees unfreeze. "Called your bluff," Ron coos. He walks over to latch onto Tom and says, "Let's go see how your mom's doing, shall we?" Slammer guffaws as Ron and the jock head for the Elevator Of Doom. Prue and Phoebe continue to get their respective asses kicked. Thunder pins Phoebe to the mat. The Hellmouth opens up in the center of the ring as Mega-Man drags a stunned Prue over to her sister's side. Cut to commercial.
Freddie Prinze, Jr., looks like a scary clown, but I'd still do him. Just sayin'.
Back in the ring, Prue pulls it together and boots Mega-Man in the head with her free foot. She knocks Thunder off of Phoebe, and the Hellmouth closes. The fight ends quickly with Phoebe and Prue managing to stun the two wrestlers. The Ps pin them, the portal opens, and the wrestlers scream their way down to Hell. Where they belong. Prue and Phoebe leap out of the ring. Prue threatens the remaining trainees, who scuttle off like the little girly-men they really are. Prue and Phoebe drag the unconscious Piper to the Elevator Of Doom.
Upstairs, The Dolt ransacks the office, looking for a way into the Perlman Academy. The elevator doors open up behind him, and Prue and Phoebe drag Piper over. The Dolt yanks the razor sphere out of her back and applies his special tingly touch to her gaping and bloody wound. Once he determines that the tingly touch is taking, he tells the other two that The Elders believe the best way to vanquish Ron "is to get one of his recruits to turn against him." Prue decides to get Mama Peters into Halliwell Manor. Tom and Ron are sure to follow. Once they're all in the same place, Prue is certain Mama Peters will be able to restore her son's humanity. Phoebe says it sounds like a plan, and the two leave The Dolt alone with Piper. Out in the hall, Phoebe wants to gab more about the Cole situation. She thinks there's a good chance they won't be able to vanquish Ron, and wants to resolve the issue with Prue in case they die. Prue doesn't want to hear it, as she's determined to save the jock. Phoebe wants to know what makes Tom so different from Cole. Prue shuts her up: "He started out good. He didn't start out trying to kill us." She glides past Phoebe, who trails behind after indulging in a bit of self-pity. Back in Ron's office, The Dolt has healed Piper's wound, mending her lilac sweater and removing the bloodstain in the process. Piper tells him she found the ring. The Dolt beams. They embrace. Whatever.
House of Delusion. Mama Peters pulls up outside and opens the trunk of her car to remove her groceries. Darryl approaches, identifying himself and flashing his badge. Mama Peters: "Tom?" That poor woman.
Manor exterior, night. It's obvious the rolling blackouts in California haven't affected the Halliwell's ability to waste electricity. Lights blaze from every window. Rasputin's in the parlor, growling at the invisible forces that flutter through the drapes. Darryl and Mama Peters enter and note the mouth-breathing on the soundtrack. Prue and Phoebe run in and thank Mama Peters for stopping by. A purple smear enters through the open window, and Phoebe guesses that "some lost souls" have responded to her spell as well. Mama Peters demands to see her son, who barges in the front door at that moment with Ron. Ron is a bit surprised that Phoebe and Prue survived the ring, but thanks them "for leading [Tom] to the victim." Ron orders Tom to kill his mother. Tom shoots an FBOD her way, but Darryl pulls her out of the way. Prue TKs Ron into an antique secretary, which he demolishes on impact.
Prue rushes to Tom's side, urging him to look at his mother and reconnect with his humanity. Ron flings a razor sphere at Mama Peters's neck. It hangs there in front of her as he screams, "Kill her, dammit!" More purple smears sweep through the parlor. Tom approaches his mother and grabs hold of the sphere. A series of jump-cuts to each of the characters in the parlor, the better to "heighten" the "tension." I'm surprised they didn't include a shot of the dog. Tom finally spins and hurls the razor sphere into Ron's neck. The smears circle Ron's lifeless form in a plot device ripped right out of Ghost. Prue, who apparently has seen that movie once or twice, guesses that the smears are there to escort Ron to Hell and tells Phoebe to get rid of them. Phoebe, winging it: "I return what I didn't want to find. Let it be out of sight, out of mind." Ron screams, and he and the smears disappear. Tom grunts in pain and lifts his sleeve. The chevrons on his forearm push together and disappear. He hugs his mommy, who tells him everything will be all right. Phoebe notes, "I guess some guys are worth saving, after all." Prue smiles, and nods her head in agreement. Another shot of Tommy and his mommy, followed by a fade to the engagement ring on Piper's hand.
"Isn't that beautiful?" Piper asks. Prue agrees and notes, "Tom is back at home with his mother where he belongs." The Dolt adds that he was able to return Rasputin to his new owners. Phoebe guesses her lost-and-found "wasn't so bad after all." Piper begs to differ, claiming that they'll have to hold garage sales every weekend for the three months to get rid of all the crap the spell brought back into the house. Phoebe groans and says she'll "fix it." Piper and The Dolt head off to dinner as Phoebe and Prue head into the parlor. Phoebe tosses the spell into the fire, and announces that "everything's back to normal." This, of course, leads to Cole Chat. Phoebe apologizes again, and attempts to explain her motive for letting Cole go. Prue sternly upbraids Phoebe for endangering their lives. Phoebe, apologetic: "So where do we go from here?" Prue, uncertain: "I don't know." A shot of the two gazing at each other in front of the fire, and we fade to black.
week, another "full night event," as the WB again delays airing The Gilmore Girls against Survivor II. The rerun is "Heartbreak City." In the new episode, the Halliwells get in touch with their inner bad girls. Mormon missionaries are forcibly flung out the manor door. The Dolt is frozen in a block of ice, then smashed to bits. I nod my head in approval of both actions. See you week.