Fade up on the manor kitchen. Piper and Prue play dueling chefs. Piper measures out "one teaspoon of baking powder." Prue counters with "one teaspoon of bat guano." I hope they're sure they can tell one from the other. And where does one buy bat guano, anyway? Something tells me that's a commodity even Treasure Island would overlook when stocking the shelves. Seems Piper's whipping up a little breakfast grub while Prue is mixing some sort of potion. Piper bitches a bit about the potion's stench, and asks Prue if it couldn't have waited until after breakfast. Prue gives Piper an answer that does not address the question asked: "Phoebe has a meeting with that DA investigator, and I didn't want her to go there unarmed." The investigator in question is Reese Davidson from "Sleuthing with the Enemy," and yes, I had to look his name up. The Dolt walks in on them and, wrinkling his nose a bit, asks where the stench is coming from. Prue cracks unwise with, "That would be the lovely smell of Piper's breakfast." Prue fills a small vial with her purple potion as Piper bitches the Dolt out for missing dinner the prior evening. The Dolt reminds Piper that he already apologized for his work-related lateness last night. Piper keeps bitching at him anyway, telling him he could have called her and demanding to know where he was and what he was doing. The Dolt all-too-patiently reminds Piper that his dealings with his other "clients" are confidential. Piper bitches some more, and, distracted by all of her bitching, accidentally slices open her finger. The Dolt moves in for a little of his special tingly healing, as Piper bitches some more. Christ, get her some Pamprin or something. She whines that, because of the nature of the Dolt's job, she has "no choice but to be understanding." The Dolt replies she has to get used to the fact she's "engaged to somebody who works for the CIA." Phoebe distractedly staggers into the kitchen at this point and notes she had no idea the Dolt got a day job as a spy. Prue: "You know, ever since she became a blonde…" Demian: "What's with this 'since' crap?"
Piper offers Phoebe some breakfast, but Phoebe's too nervous about her meeting with Reese, and thus has no appetite. Prue perks over to Phoebe with the vial, telling Phoebe that the contents should ease some of her worries. The potion will "out any demon." Phoebe needs only to slip a little of it into Reese's coffee. If he's from Hell, the potion will cause his throat to constrict, giving Phoebe a chance to run. Phoebe never considered the possibility that "Reese might be evil." Prue wonders why, in that case, Phoebe's so tense about the meeting. Um, Prue? Maybe because Reese is investigating the disappearance of Phoebe's demonic boy toy, whom Phoebe supposedly murdered three episodes ago? Phoebe basically tells Prue the same thing, only she uses more words. Prue reassures her sister that she'll do just fine in the interview, and the Dolt cuts in to suggest Phoebe practice by saying, "As far as I know, Cole is alive and well and could be anywhere." In the glacial pause that follows, Phoebe manages barely to suppress the Cole Guilt Goggle as Prue, Piper, and the Dolt eye her evenly. Phoebe repeats the phrase, and looks to her sisters for approval. Prue tells her it'll work as long as Phoebe doesn't "look as guilty" as she just did.
Phoebe wishes the investigation into Cole's disappearance would come to an end already. Piper reassures her it will be over soon, as "there's nothing to find." Phoebe greets this reassurance with silence, leading Prue to ask, "Is there?" Well, unless Cole squiggled immediately from Phoebe's side in the Mausoleum's mausoleum back to his apartment to clear the place out, there's a closet full of demonic tchotchkes just waiting for its chance to raise pesky suspicions for Reese. Phoebe tells Prue, "Of course not," and turns to leave for her appointment. Prue calls after her to "be careful," Piper glances sideways at the Dolt, and the Dolt looks down, confused.
Cut to the SkyCam On Crack, zipping over the Transamerica Pyramid. As it passes over the building's peak, the shot cuts to an overhead of a brunette tearing through a surprisingly well-lit alley. She trundles over to the open receiving dock of a warehouse, and spins around in time to catch the entrance of her black-clad pursuer. The brunette, for some reason, reminds me of Patty Hearst. Her black-clad pursuer reminds me of the "Murray Trevor, the Time-Traveling Tourist" from The Time Shifters, an awful piece of sci-fi nonsense that aired on the TNT network about a year ago. If it was so awful, why, then, did I watch it, and rewatch it, every time I run across it on TV? Three words, people: Casper Van Dien. Woof. Anyway, since I'm sure the group of people who actually saw that piece of crap includes only me and Casper Van Dien's mother, I'll note that the black-clad pursuer bears more than a passing resemblance to Beavis, as in Beavis and Butt-Head, and we'll move on from there.
We know Beavis is bad because he's wearing black and has an English accent. We know Patty Hearst has an amazing rack because she's wearing a tight light-blue turtleneck. Beavis flings a Flaming Ball Of Death at Patty Hearst. Patty Hearst raises her right hand, and a sparkling blue shield of some sort appears before it. The shield deflects the Flaming Ball Of Death, which vanquishes a packing crate. Patty Hearst tells Beavis that he might as well give it up, as she can "deflect [his] power." Beavis replies, "All of them?" and slings another Flaming Ball Of Death her way. This one she tosses right back at him, and Beavis wails as he blazes his merry way back to Hell. Patty Hearst relaxes a bit with a "thank God," but Beavis the Second leaps up behind her, slinging an arm around her neck and waving a dagger around before her eyes. Beavis II coos into Patty Hearst's ear that the "ability to clone" himself is just "one of the many powers" he's managed to acquire during his years as a witch hit man. Beavis II spins Patty Hearst around, clutching her throat, and adds, "And now, I'm about to add one more." It takes Beavis II a while longer to get his words out than you might expect. You have to remember that Beavises I and II are bad guys, and bad guys on this show never fire off lines in an efficient manner. The better to gnaw on the scenery, I suppose. Anyway, Beavis II jabs the dagger into Patty Hearst's stomach. Patty Hearst, who has not been putting up much of a fight at all, gasps. Her body glows yellow, and little yellow rays shoot into Beavis II's face from hers. Patty Hearst stops glowing and goes limp. Beavis II tosses the corpse the ground, and drops the dagger down to it.
In orbs an auburn-haired woman in a grey slacks suit. I've been calling her Large Marge since the previews ran last week, so she's saddled with that moniker until they tell us her real name. Mind you, she's not really that large at all. In fact, she simply looks healthy. But put her to the skeletal hags that populate network television these days, and she's a cow. Large Marge kneels to Patty Hearst's corpse and waves her hands over Patty Hearst's still-amazing rack. "You're too late, Whitelighter. Your charge is dead. I'll see you later," he oozes at Large Marge, and sharply fades on out of there. Large Marge gazes at the space Beavis II just occupied, and we cut to the credits.
Manor dining room. The Dolt sits at the table as Piper serves him pancakes and strawberries. She's rattling off her agenda for the day: lunch with a reporter from the Chronicle for an article on the club, followed by a meeting with "some dot-com guys" who are interested in setting up a website for her. She then asks the Dolt what he'll be up to. The Dolt tells her he can't tell her. Again. For the third time this episode. Piper bitches some more about "the stupid Whitelighter ordinance[s]" they seem to keep running up against while I create a macro for "Piper bitches," because that's all she seems capable of doing at the moment, and I'm getting tired of typing it out. The Dolt reminds Piper they're still "on probation," and therefore have to watch their behavior, or The Powers That Be will never allow the two to marry. Piper bitches. The Dolt reassures. They move in for a kiss as Large Marge orbs in behind them. The startled Dolt greets Large Marge as "Natalie." Natalie tells Piper and the Dolt that there's trouble a-brewin' in San Francisco, and shows them the dagger. Prue hustles in from the kitchen at that moment, noting that she heard a noise. She spots Natalie and the dagger and screams, "Athemay! Athemay!" as she pounces up ferally on the table to begin the smackdown. The Dolt tells Prue to back off and introduces Natalie to the gals, explaining that he and Natalie "were rookies together" in Whitelighterland. They also "fought together in World War II," despite the fact that women of the era were not assigned combat roles. Idiot.
Natalie tells the Dolt to pipe down. She's not there to pay a "social call," she says, and fills them in on the untimely demise of Patty Hearst. Patty was Natalie's "most powerful charge," and now Beavis has her power of deflection. Prue wonders if that means Beavis can deflect the sisters' powers. Natalie confirms this, and adds that "all Whitelighters have been put on alert." All save the Dolt, who missed that morning's mandatory staff meeting. He claims he had to bail on it to heal Piper's finger. I know Whitelighterland operates on a different timeframe from Earth, so I'm inclined to let slide the fact that the sequence of events as shown is entirely out of order with how they're being discussed. Natalie "will assume a demon attacked Piper's finger," reminding us all that Whitelighters are only to apply their special tingly touches under such situations. The Dolt claims the Charmed Ones "deserve special attention." Natalie raises an eyebrow and snarks that she's "heard rumors about such 'special attention,'" and while I want to smile at that, the soup I had for lunch threatens to hurl itself out of my mouth at the thought of what that "special attention" really involves.
Natalie and the Dolt fight in a language Prue guesses is "Whitelighter-ese." The sounds they make are a series of clicking noises that make them sound like Starvin' Marvin from South Park. At one point, Natalie inserts a "Piper" into the middle of all the clicking, so the Ps know whom the argument is about. Prue tells the two they're free to carry on bitching each other out while she heads to the attic to do a little Beavis research in the Book of Shadows.
Natalie says she knows what Beavis looks like, and offers to help Prue. Prue allows her to tag along, informing her that the BoS is in the attic. "Attic?" Natalie asks. "You mean the Altar Room, don't you?" Natalie goes on about the rules dictating the placement of the BoS in some sort of "sacred and protected spot." Prue and Piper have a round of eye-rolling. The Dolt suggests that Prue bring the BoS downstairs to the dining room. Prue snidely remarks that she'll "just run up to the Altar Room, which by the way is right to the Potions Lab," and she'll be back with the BoS. Piper primly keeps her mouth shut during all of this, but her expression tells us she'd rather be cleaning a bus-station toilet with her tongue than deal with Natalie and her many tedious rules. The Dolt sighs and picks up a strawberry. Natalie clicks a warning to him, and the Dolt drops the berry back on the plate. "I'm not supposed to eat on the job," he tells Piper, who again raises her eyebrows and rolls her eyes.
Exterior shot of a diner called the Rose Café. Inside, Phoebe sits in a booth with Reese, who asks her if she's certain she doesn't want to order anything to eat. She eyes his coffee cup and changes her mind, asking for a bagel. Reese turns his head to relate her order to the passing waitress. While his attention is diverted, Phoebe shakes a bit of Prue's potion into his coffee. The potion had been purple, but is now blue, for whatever that's worth. Which is nothing much. Reese turns his gaze back to Phoebe, and remarks the café is "a nice place." "It's crowded," he continues, "which is why I think you picked it. Which makes me think you're afraid of something." He raises his cup to his lips and takes a sip. He gags, and for a moment we're supposed to think he really is a demon. We don't, however. He's gagging because Phoebe just dumped a vial of bat shit into his java. Bat shit, people. Reese dismisses his reaction to the bat shit as "allergies," and asks Phoebe if she is indeed afraid. "Of what? Cole?" she asks, and denies this, saying that she has no reason to worry about Cole. Reese begs to differ, noting that Cole is "a fraud. A man who exists only on paper." He pulls a couple of photos out of his Cole Turner dossier and points out the spots of blood they found on Cole's carpet. He shows her another photo, this of Cole's "hidden cabinet of occult paraphernalia," and the actor obviously relishes the opportunity to enunciate that phrase. Phoebe denies any knowledge of these aspects of Cole's life and rises to leave, apologizing for her inability to assist Reese with his investigation. He stops her short for a moment, warning her that Cole could hurt both Phoebe and her sisters if he's still alive. Phoebe smacks me in the face with a brief hint of the Cole Guilt Goggle, and makes her exit.
Manor sun porch. Prue reads the entry for deflection from the BoS. Deflection is "a witch's best shield against the forces of darkness." The best? Really? Then why have TPTB not seen fit to bestow it upon on one of the Charmed Ones? Whatever. Prue wonders how Beavis got close enough to Patty Hearst to kill her, given that she was "such a powerful witch." Natalie and the Dolt correctly guess that Beavis also possesses the power to clone himself. The two explain cloning by taking turns finishing each other's thoughts and phrases. Piper jealously notes this. Natalie, clueless, smiles that that sort of thing happens when colleagues have been together as long as she and the Dolt have. Piper grits her teeth. The Dolt, sensing the tension, changes the topic and suggests that Prue look up cloning in the BoS as well. "Cross-reference: cloning with warlock," Prue orders, and the BoS starts flipping its pages. It stops on an image that is supposed to be Beavis, but doesn't really look that much like the actor playing him. Beavis's real name is Eames, and ten years ago he offed a witch in Glasgow, thereby obtaining her ability to clone herself. Prue notes that Beavis has more than that trick up his sleeve, and relates that he murdered another witch in Kenya in 1989, acquiring her power of transmogrification in the process. Prue does not know what "transmogrification" means. Natalie and the Dolt give her a definition in unison, because the writers are hell-bent on giving Piper any excuse get jealous and bitch some more.
Prue proposes, that based on the evidence, there's some sort of master plan from which Beavis is working. Piper strategizes: if they figure out what the plan is, they can beat Beavis at his own game. Natalie suggests that she and the Dolt discuss the matter "in private" and asks Piper and Prue to leave the room. Piper, not having it, freezes Natalie. Prue, Piper, and the Dolt fight. Piper and Prue wonder "who put Lady Attitude in charge," and tell the Dolt they do not wish to work with someone who obviously doesn't trust them, their abilities, and their instincts. The Dolt assures them he'll chat with Natalie about their concerns, and asks Piper to unfreeze her. Piper rolls her eyes, says, "Sure," and rises from the wicker sofa. She strides into the parlor and dismissively tosses an unfreezing flick of her wrist over her shoulder. Natalie wonders what happened. The Dolt leaves to talk to Piper. Prue, grinning gleefully: "Piper froze ya." Natalie: "She what?" Prue, with a playful wink: "A-yup!" Demian: "Heh."
In the kitchen, the Dolt huffs in after Piper and tells her, "Freezing me in bed for your own personal pleasure is fine." No. No, it's not, you sleazeball. And the horrific mental image you so off-handedly supplied me of Piper riding your turgid joystick as if you're nothing more than a frat-boy-shaped dildo while she orgasmically screams, "Yes! Who's the stud? You are! You're the king! You're the Stud King, you sexy fuckbeast!" into the frozen, twisted grimace of ecstasy plastered on your face most certainly is not "fine" either. Just crack my skull open and pour liquid Drano into my brain, because I cannot live with that in my head. That is so out of line. Jesus.
Ew! Ew! Ew!
ANYway. The Human Dildo tells Piper that freezing Natalie is counterproductive. Piper bitches that Natalie "clearly knows things" about The Human Dildo that Piper herself does not. She natters on about the Whitelighter-ese and Natalie finishing his sentences for him. The Human Dildo incredulously wonders if Piper is jealous of Natalie. Piper replies she's not jealous of Natalie, she's "jealous of the part of [The Human Dildo's] life that [Natalie] gets to share" with him, but Piper doesn't. Piper bitches about The Rules that seem to serve only to exclude her. She continues that the real problem is the "secrets" The Human Dildo is forced to keep from her, and notes that "if there's one thing [she's] learned as a Halliwell, it's that you don't keep secrets from the ones you love." Cue Phoebe. And the motherfucking anvil. Ow.
Phoebe enters the kitchen and interrupts them. Piper wearily asks her how the interview with Reese went. Phoebe relates the good news that Reese is not a demon, and then wonders if she can have a moment alone with The Human Dildo. Not like that. I hope. Piper tells Phoebe to "take a number," and The Human Dildo suggests Phoebe that go inside to meet Natalie. "Who's Natalie?" Phoebe asks. "She's a…" Piper begins, and The Human Dildo jumps in with "a fellow Whitelighter." The Human Dildo turns to Piper and says, "See? I finished your sentence." Piper: "That's not what I was thinking." Ba-dum-bump. That's Piper Halliwell, ladies and gentlemen. The spunky gal'll be here all week.
Back on the sun porch, Prue scries with a crystal dangling over a map of the city. Natalie opines that Prue is wasting her time, as scrying won't work on Beavis. Prue tells her she's not scrying for Beavis. She's scrying for Patty Hearst's power of deflection, "which technically is still alive." Phoebe enters and greets Natalie, who extends her hand for a shake with a warm smile. The crystal drops to the map at that moment, and Prue announces she's found the power's location in an industrial park. Phoebe notes Beavis's entry in the BoS, and wonders what's going on. Prue tells Phoebe they'll get her up to speed on the way, and calls for Piper and The Human Dildo. Natalie can't believe they're just going to rush unprepared into a potentially dangerous situation. As Prue shuts Natalie down, Phoebe picks up Beavis's dagger and is thrown into a vision. Beavis shoots a Flaming Ball Of Death at a bald twentysomething, who vanishes into a veil of fire. Prue wants details. Phoebe supplies them, guessing that the bald guy is a male witch. Prue starts patching together a plan of attack. As Piper and The Human Dildo return from the kitchen, Natalie again insists on caution, telling them all they must consult with "The Elders" before doing anything. After a brief discussion, Prue agrees, and sends Natalie up for information. Prue rallies the troops now that they've gotten Natalie out of their hair for a bit, and the four head off in search of Beavis.
SkyCam On Crack, shooting across the bay to a waterfront warehouse. Beavis sits inside, chanting, as the Halliwell SUV tears in. Prue leaps from the car and TKs Beavis back into a stack of shipping pallets. When he rises, Piper tries to freeze him, but he deflects her power and fades out with a bit of a glow. The glow indicates that he was actually a Beavis clone. The four stand around wondering where the male witch from the vision is. He orbs in at that moment, as he is not a male witch, but rather a Darklighter. The Human Dildo orbs out immediately. Phoebe kicks the Darklighter's crossbow out of his hands, then sends him flying across the room. Piper freezes the Darklighter in mid-air, and the Ps attempt to figure out what just happened. Beavis fades back in, tosses off a snarky comment about "missing all the fun," and tosses a Flaming Ball Of Death at the frozen Darklighter, who goes up in smoke. Beavis then fades himself over to the discarded crossbow, thanks the Ps for helping him acquire it, and fades out again. Phoebe, Piper, and Prue gawp as we cut to commercial.
Back from the break, the sisters enter the manor hallway and fill The Human Dildo in on recent events. Natalie orbs back in at that moment, telling them The Elders want the Ps to remain in the manor, as the twentysomething from the vision might be a "force of evil." Prue confirms this, and Piper reveals that they went after Beavis while Natalie was in Whitelighterland. Natalie chides them for their reckless behavior, saying it was only luck that prevented them all from being harmed. The Ps are visibly irritated. TPTB ring Natalie and The Human Dildo's bell, and Natalie thinks it best if both she and The Human Dildo answer it this time. She holds his hand, and the two orb out. Piper bitches about "the hand-holding thing." Prue tells her to forget about it, as they have to figure out what Beavis's strategy is. Phoebe volunteers for "Book duty," Prue announces she intends to pull a spreadsheet together "to see where all of this is going," and Piper says she'll do anything she can to help, as she wants Natalie out of their lives, like, yesterday. Prue and Piper head off, and Phoebe makes her way to the sun porch, where she pages idly through the BoS. She comes across the entry for the Colethazor and pauses on it, murmuring to herself the question, "What am I going to do about you?" She gazes upwards, and the camera follows, the shot dissolving from the ceiling to Whitelighterland.
Up in Heaven, The Human Dildo stands in the center of a room filled with a dry-ice haze and several figures in white robes. The clicking of Whitelighter-ese ticks along in the background. A robed form emerges from the bright light behind The Human Dildo. It's Natalie, as we discover when she eases the starched wimple-ish hood back off her head. Natalie notes that The Elders are in an uproar over Beavis, then asks The Human Dildo why he hasn't changed into his robe as The Rules dictate. The Human Dildo, ever the rebel, replies that he finds his jeans more comfortable. Whatever. Natalie's a strict by-the-book Whitelighter, and The Human Dildo and the Halliwells take a more fluid approach to the whole evil-fighting process. My mother gets it, my father gets it, my sister gets it, and I get it. And I'm the only one of the four who watches this goddamn show. Stop it. Now.
Natalie and The Human Dildo don't listen to me. She leads him into a discussion of her concerns about the goings-on in the manor, noting the Ps are "sloppy," "unorganized," and "undisciplined." The Human Dildo claims their disorder is "part of what makes them great." Natalie thinks The Human Dildo's relationship with Piper is getting in the way of his duties, and notes the Colethazor should never have gotten so close to the sisters, regardless of the fact that they eventually vanquished him. She ominously reveals that The Elders have asked for her opinion of his dating Piper. Before he can reply, they hear Phoebe calling for him. He snits that "a charge's call takes precedent" to any discussion of his private life, and orbs out. Natalie eases the wimple back over her head, and walks off.
Phoebe's boudoir. She shouts for The Human Dildo once more, glaring up at the ceiling. He orbs in behind her and startles her when he speaks. I guess Phoebe was too addled to, you know, actually hear the sound of him orbing in or something. Anyway, she makes him promise that what she's about to tell him is between him, her, and the wall. He agrees. Hemming and hawing as they sit on her bed. Phoebe finally tells him that Cole is still alive. The Human Dildo gapes as Phoebe fills him in on the details. Finally, he rises and launches into a predictable rant about the threat Cole represents to the sisters' well-being. Phoebe mentions The Human Dildo's familiarity with "forbidden love." The Human Dildo replies that her situation with Cole in no way parallels his own with Piper, and wonders what she hoped to gain from telling him all this. She replies, "Your guidance and support." He whines that his "guidance and support is what got [her] into this mess." He notes he can't begin to think of a way to "fix this," and storms out of the room. Phoebe looks lonesome and forlorn on her bed. Or vacant. Your choice.
In the hall, The Human Dildo suddenly staggers against the wall in pain. Phoebe rushes out as he drops to his knees, moaning and clutching his stomach in agony. As Piper and Prue enter, he reveals that he's feeling some random witch's pain, and the random witch is not one of his charges. His howl of pain blends into the howl of the witch in question as the shot cuts to a clearing in a park. Beavis is twisting a dagger into her stomach. Cut back to the hall, where The Human Dildo rises to state that they have to help her. Cut back to the clearing, where Beavis tells the Witchkebab he does not intend to kill her; he just wants her Whitelighter to show up. The Witchkebab rocks back and forth in pain as we cut back to the hall. Piper wonders why the Witchkebab's Whitelighter isn't helping her. The Human Dildo begins to orb off to the Witchkebab's aid, but Prue stops him. She's figured out Beavis's plan. He intends to kill a Whitelighter with the Darklighter's purloined crossbow, thereby obtaining the Whitelighter's powers. Natalie orbs in at that moment to confirm Prue's suspicions. If Beavis snatches the power to orb from an unfortunate Whitelighter, he can then enter Heaven and kill everyone up there. This would leave all of the forces of good unprotected. All Whitelighters have been recalled, their power to orb temporarily blocked. Natalie and The Human Dildo are to remain on Earth to help the Ps vanquish Beavis. Finally, a real crisis in this episode.
As the five in the manor let all of this sink in, the shot cuts back to the clearing. The Witchkebab lies on her back, twitching and gasping from the gaping wound in her torso. Beavis wonders "what sort of lame Whitelighter" she has, leaving her there to die. The Witchkebab guesses that TPTB are on to Beavis's diabolical plan, and her Whitelighter therefore will not be showing up any time soon. He supposes she's right, and slimes that, that being the case, he no longer needs her. Cut to an overhead shot of Beavis raising the dagger above his head, then a cut back to the manor as the Witchkebab screams. The five are walking down the stairs, and The Human Dildo staggers and nearly looses his footing as the scream continues. "He's killed her," he notes. Prue accusingly tosses a "what does your rule book say to do now?" at Natalie. Natalie blinks, looking lost, as we head out for another commercial.
Kitchen. The sisters assess the situation, noting that they should be writing a necessarily-complicated vanquishing spell instead of waiting for Natalie to give them their marching orders. Piper wants it all over with fast, as her "boyfriend is one of the only two targets" left on the planet. A Cole Guilt Goggle from Phoebe, and we cut to the parlor. The sisters enter and ask Natalie to leave, as they wish to speak with The Human Dildo in private. The Human Dildo reveals that Natalie is taking over as their guardian for the duration. He feels that Natalie is correct in her assertion that he has been allowing his emotions to cloud his judgment. The Ps protest, but The Human Dildo insists. He kisses Piper goodbye, then orbs out to join the Whitelighter lockdown. An uneasy silence follows as the Ps wait for Natalie to make the first move. She does, telling them that they should now direct their collective attention on the warlock to be vanquished. Prue asks if they're allowed "a moment to process" what has just happened. Natalie basically says no, telling them they must "prepare [themselves] for battle -- mentally, physically, sartorially." Phoebe doesn't know what "sartorially" means. Piper tells Phoebe that Natalie's talking about their clothes. Time for the line from the promo. Natalie: "No more braless, strapless, [pause] fearless attire." Prue, glancing down at her tits: "Okay, but then I have nothing to wear." I laugh. Again. Thanks for the shout-out, Brad. Natalie's not having it, though: the scene ends with the deadpan look of rejection on her face.
SkyCam On Crack, tooling over the bay towards the city as night falls. In some sort of abandoned warehouse, Natalie leads the camouflage-and-sweats-clad Halliwells through a series of tai-chi-like exercises. Prue's lacy pink bra peeks out from beneath her scoop-neck shirt. Natalie makes like a drill sergeant, shouting "platitudes," as Phoebe notes, into the sisters' faces. They include "The will to win is the will to prepare to win" and "You're only as good as your last vanquish." As Natalie tiresomely carries on in this vein, a little southern redneck accent creeps into her speech. She sounds like Kathy Bates in Fried Green Tomatoes.
Natalie announces that their primary objective is to get the purloined crossbow away from Beavis. If they manage to vanquish Beavis as well, that's good, too. She tells them to imagine that she's "the enemy." Prue, as Phoebe perkily claps her hands in the background: "Oh, that is way too easy." Natalie smiles briefly, then tells them to tell her how they plan to separate Beavis from the crossbow. They run through a couple of scenarios, all of which Natalie shoots down. Phoebe complains that they can't think like this. They have no idea how the situation will play out for real, and it's better, in her opinion, to rely on their instincts. Natalie tells them to "think with [their] brains, not with [their] glands." This is followed by a brief training action sequence. Prue scales a wall. Phoebe levitates. Piper does a couple of backflips. Natalie out-maneuvers them every time.
SkyCam On Crack over the Transamerica Pyramid again, then cut to P3 After Dark. Natalie's off to the side, scribbling. The gals are at the bar, writing out vanquishing spells for each of Beavis's powers. Prue is handling the cloning bit, Piper the transmogrification. Phoebe's left with the deflection, and comments that her spell came out "a little country-western: 'I am rejectin' your deflection.'" Piper and the rest of North America groan in unison. More bitching about The Iron Fist Of Natalie. A joke about getting Natalie laid is made. Prue cuts in to note that they have to admire Natalie's dedication to her job. The Whitelighter in question walks over to the bar, reviews the vanquishing spells, and announces that she's drawn up a plan of attack. She will use herself as bait, with the sisters lying in wait nearby. Once Beavis fades in, she'll orb out, and the sisters will get the crossbow. Piper tells Natalie that she can't place her life at risk like that. Natalie thanks her for her concern. Piper snots back, "My concern is not for you." She attempts to modify that bitchy crack with "at least, not only for you." Nope. Didn't work. Shut the fuck up, Piper. Natalie assures them that she's gone through every "permutation" on her legal pad, and there is no way for her plan to fail.
The clearing from earlier. The Witchkebab lies dead on the ground. The Ps hide in the bushes as Natalie orbs in. She kneels over the Witchkebab and passes her hands over the Witchkebab's corpse. Beavis fades in. Natalie calls, "Now!" and orbs out as Beavis lets fly with an arrow. Prue TKs the crossbow out of his hands. He glowingly fades out, and Phoebe announces that it was Beavis's clone. Piper retrieves the crossbow, and the three sense something wrong about the whole situation, as it all went down entirely too easily. Back at the manor, Natalie greets the Ps in the front hall as they return. Piper hands the crossbow over to her, and she does not immediately disarm it as one would expect her to do. The sisters share their concerns with her, telling her that Beavis did not try to resist them at all. "I flung, he fled," Prue notes.
Natalie tells them not to worry about it, blathers about following The Rules and whatnot, and thanks them for their help. She prepares to orb out, but stops, and quizzes the sisters again on Beavis's actions. Piper tells her again that they simply retrieved the weapon and left without seeing Beavis again. The gears in Natalie's head start grinding slowly as she gazes down at the weapon in her hands. "The crossbow," she says, and on cue said crossbow disappears into a cloud of smoke, from which Beavis materializes. Didn't consider transmogrification in your "permutations," did ya, hon? Beavis grabs Natalie from behind, a Darklighter arrow in his left hand. Prue tries to TK him. He deflects it back to her, and she destroys a coffee table after flying back into the parlor. Piper tries to freeze him. He deflects this back, and Piper destroys a cabinet after flying back into the parlor. Phoebe, getting the hint, does nothing but cower in fear. Beavis plunges the arrow into Natalie and fades out sharply with her. The sisters stare, stunned, as we fade out slowly to commercial.
Manor parlor. Piper bitches that they did everything Natalie told them to do, they followed all of The Rules, and they still got their collective ass kicked. Phoebe babytalks, "I hate rules." Prue beats herself up for not following her instincts. They collectively decide that The Rules suck, and call for The Human Dildo. In he orbs, telling them that he knows what just happened since he had disobeyed orders to follow their actions. He has a plan, but "it breaks the rules big-time." Piper gets it immediately. You mean? Uh huh. And we? Yep. See that? Finishing each other's thoughts. Pardon me while I jam this rusted steak knife into my eye. Phoebe and Prue go, "Guh?" and we cut to SkyCam On Crack, zooming over the Coit Tower. In an alley, Natalie lies flat on her back, gasping in agony with the arrow jutting up from her chest. Beavis chomps some more on the set, relishing his impending victory over the forces of good. Natalie dies, her powers glowing up out of her body and into Beavis's face. Beavis gloats, then picks up the crossbow and orbs up into Heaven. Once there, he's momentarily dazzled by the light. His eyes adjust, and he takes aim at a robed figure in the distance. He shoots, and the figure TKs the arrow back at him, because the figure is Prue. Piper's there as well, and freezes the arrow in mid-air. Phoebe joins in on the pile-on, booting Beavis into the arrow, which penetrates his back. Beavis howls and falls to the floor. As the sisters gather in a semicircle around him, he asks, "What the hell are you doing up here?" "Kicking your ass," Phoebe replies. Prue explains that Beavis obtained Natalie's weaknesses along with her strengths, and the Darklighter poison is killing him as it did her. Piper finds this "poetic," and Phoebe announces that she's "kind of in a rhyming mood." Prue agrees that the poison isn't working fast enough for her taste, and they recite the vanquishing spells:
All Three: Time for amends and a victim's revenge.
Prue: Cloning power turned sour.
Piper: Power to change turned to strange.
Phoebe: I'm rejectin' your deflection.
And that's the end of Beavis, who flames off to Hell. The Human Dildo approaches and tells them they need to get out of there before they get into trouble. Prue complains that she expected a tour. Piper reminds her that they won't remember any of it anyway, but The Human Dildo tells her they "will this time." Squeals of delight, followed by SkyCam On Crack, whizzing past the damn Transamerica Pyramid again.
P3AD. And, look! It's The Whitss! I see they've changed their lead vocalist from the last time I saw them. Over on the Grams Halliwell Memorial Loveseat, Prue joins Phoebe and Piper, telling Phoebe that Reese called the manor and would like to speak with her again about "the case." Phoebe wonders if it's anything "urgent." Prue wonders what could be urgent about it. Cole Guilt Goggle. Piper changes the topic, wondering when The Human Dildo will be back from a confab he was called to with The Elders. Worried noises about possible punishments handed down for breaking The Rules from Piper; then she heads back to the bar. Prue turns and eyes Phoebe. "What's in that head of yours?" she asks. Phoebe looks up. "Nothing. You know that," she smiles. Prue isn't buying it. Phoebe lies that she, too, is simply worried about The Human Dildo. Cleansing Burst Of Synchronicity, as Prue spots The Human Dildo at that very moment. She heads off to get Piper as he sits on the loveseat beside Phoebe. People in the forums have complained about what she's wearing in this scene, but I have to admit that I think she looks stunning in it. Well, what I can see of it. It's a silver and gold changeable satin evening dress with a full skirt and a tight, low-cut bodice. Yes, it's so tight it's strangling the blood flow to her boobs, but Alyssa Milano looks good in it. Now, if she could just get a new person to work on her hair and make-up, she'll be fine.
Phoebe apologizes to The Human Dildo for being "such a screw-up" with regard to the whole Cole thing. The Human Dildo tells her he should be the one apologizing, as he blames himself for not paying as close attention as he should have to Cole. They share A Look Fraught With Significance as Prue and Piper perk over from the bar. The Human Dildo rises with some good news. TPTB have lifted the probation, and Piper and he are now "officially engaged." Adolescent girls across the country swoon and squeal and scream with delight now that it's official: Piper + Leo = 2GETHAH 4EVAH! I stifle a yawn. Phoebe and Prue yelp out their congratulations as Piper and The Human Dildo move in for a clinch. The shot shifts into "ominous" slow motion as a demonic mouth-breather makes like Darth Vader on the soundtrack. Piper smiles in slow motion. The Human Dildo smiles in slow motion. Phoebe and Prue smile in slow motion. The mouth-breather is overwhelmed by the Glissading Chimes Of Magical Delight as we fade to black.
week: a "full-night event" on Charmed, with the gals going up against some pecs-heavy mesomorphs from some wrestling "federation" or other. Which correctly translates as "The Gilmore Girls is going to get its ass kicked by Survivor II, and CSI is going to yank even more viewers away, so we're tossing out a sacrificial rerun of this show at seven, followed by a new episode filled with testosterone-fueled contrivance at eight." Enjoy.