Props to Judy Foster, Jody's illegitimate barmaid twin, for sharing her extensive and heretofore useless knowledge of all things Frampton with me over a couple of cocktails the other night.
Tonight on Charmed: To save their future, the Halliwells must overcome the tragic fashion choices of their past. Or something like that.
Fade up on Halliwell Manor. Piper Halliwell, dressed as Glinda the Good Witch, descends the stairs on the arm of Leo Wyatt, who saved on the cost of a Halloween costume by pulling his old army uniform out of mothballs. Piper orders sisters Phoebe, who's wearing Cassandra Peterson's Elvira outfit, and Prue, who's dressed as some sort of earth goddess, to hurry, as they should have been at the club "a half an hour ago." Prue rides Piper for her costume choice. I wouldn't talk if I were her. While she looks improbably good in that dark blue brocaded bodice with the liberally-applied glitter, Prue's not exactly making a cutting-edge fashion statement, and I saw her wig -- complete with the butterflies and flowers -- last week at Night of a Hundred Drag Queens, on a bartender named Al who was dressed as Jane of the Jungle. Blather about Glinda being a good witch who helped innocents. Phoebe, who also looks far better than she has any right to, snarks, "You had the answer all along? That's not help, that's mind games." Word. Piper flounces about, refusing to allow her sisters to stomp her Leo-nookie-has-returned buzz as Phoebe wonders what exactly one celebrates on Halloween. Piper doesn't care. Phoebe grabs a handy Hallmark-store Halloween decoration and snits, "Hook-nosed hags riding broomsticks -- that's what we're celebrating." She does not approve of the image of witches in popular culture. Piper asks if Phoebe really thinks she's doing anything to dispel that image by dressing as "the Mistress of the Dark." Phoebe insists her costume is a protest statement, and Prue snarks that she's impressed Phoebe "can make a protest statement and show cleavage at the same time." "Thanks," Phoebe giggles, rearranging her hair to better display her pushed-up, out-thrust, barely-concealed rack. Something is terribly wrong. I'm enjoying all of this nonsense far more than I should.
They snicker and flounce their way to the kitchen, where Detective Darryl Morris, wearing a police uniform, is on the cordless with his wife. The men on this show are unrelievedly bland. Even a pirate costume would be better than what these losers have come up with. Come on, gents, if you're going to go the uniform route, at least put some sort of campy Village People spin on the whole thing. You are in San Francisco, aren't you? Anyway, Piper remarks on Darryl's unoriginality as if she had room to criticize, and Darryl counters proudly that it's his rookie uniform, and he can still fit in it. "Yeah, mine too," adds Leo. Darryl vies for the title of Thickest Character on This Show with both Phoebe and Leo by asking, "Innat from World War Two?" Round of guilty looks as Darryl asks Leo who he really is. Prue promises to explain on the way to the club, and stuffs her gob with caramel popcorn. Relationship chatter. Piper chides Prue for being picky, and therefore single. Prue retorts that the perfect man for her is out there somewhere, and she won't settle for anything less. Or something like that. My brain automatically filters out actual conversation content whenever they linger on these issues. Piper orders the gang to grab treats and get on their way. Phoebe stops them by announcing that they have to wait for Cole Turner. I just know he's going to show up dressed as a sailor. Which is fine, but I'm really hoping he goes for the Tim-Curry-as-Frank-N-Furter look. Then again, maybe I should stop watching VH1 on Halloween weekends. Darryl the Dimwitted asks Phoebe if she's dating the assistant district attorney, and she begs off, stating she just asked him along for the evening.
Halliwells swing beneath the branches of the Witch-Hanging Oak. I knew I should've let them take those jobs at the mall. Micah approacheth, looketh he back behind him for them that would pursueth him, sidleth he over on horseback to the hanging tree, then slasheth with his blade at the rope. Ps fall to the ground, grimacing a bit in pain. Micah apologizes, noting he picked up the little trick of running the noose line to the waist from Veronica Sawyer, and I promise not to reference Heathers again in this recap.
Piper wants to know how Prue knew to trust Micah, and she girlishly replies as she brushes a stray lock of hair from her face, "From the look in his eyes." Yick. "So that would be the second time you saved our necks," she croons to him as she raises his mask from his face. "And what beautiful necks they are," he replies, kissing her hand. Piper eyerolls as Micah formally introduces himself: "I'm Micah." "I'm charmed," Prue murmurs. "I'm vomiting," notes Demian. Phoebe apologizes for "breaking up the balcony scene" and asks Micah why he keeps helping them. Micah's seen the damage dark magic can do, and any enemy of Granny Caan is a friend of his, regardless of witch status. Prue gently kisses him on his cheek by way of thanks, and Micah makes his exit. "Who was that masked man?" she sighs, and Piper and I roll our eyes back so far in our heads, I worry we'll sever our respective optic nerves. Piper steers the conversation back to the matter of saving the unborn child of destiny, Prue waxes romantic, and Piper tells her to can it.
Another location cut, ripped straight from Microsoft PowerPoint 97 SR-1. Wipe from top of the screen to the bottom to reveal Y2K Manor. In the kitchen, Leo stirs some apple chunks around in a pot of greenish liquid. He tastes the mixture and states, "We need more thyme." Duhrryl checks his watch. D'oh! Leo's been getting more and more -- I don't know -- feminine throughout this episode, by the way, as Duhrryl's been heading just as far in the opposite direction. I keep expecting them to drop what they're doing and make out on the kitchen table. Maybe it's the uniforms. The doorbell rings, indicating either Grimlock-endangered trick-or-treaters at the door or the Grimlocks themselves attempting to lure the boys out of the kitchen. Hey, it could be a couple of proselytizing Mormons, you know, or some Jehovah's Witnesses armed with Watchtower pamphlets. Just sayin'. Duhrryl insists Leo stay in the kitchen to finish the potion like the good little wife while Duhrryl checks the front door. Leo glances anxiously at his retreating form.
Duhrryl opens the door, thrusts a bowl of caramels at the three tots on the doorstep, and tells them to spread the word the manor's out of candy. He then eases his way back into the parlor, where he's ambushed by the Festers, who, by the way, are oozing greyish-green goo from their gunshot wounds. One of them starts in with the sight-sucking on Duhrryl, who manages to distract them by setting off the flash on the camera, miraculously in place on its tripod in this scene, in spite of the fact that Prue had TKed the Festers through said camera at the beginning of the episode.
In-and-out flip cut to Colonial Williamsburg. The Ps huddle at the edge of the settlement, trying to figure out a way past the talismans. Which didn't seem to stop them the last time they were there, but I've pretty much given up all hope for any sort of continuity at this point. Piper notes it's already six in the evening, and they haven't much time or witchcrap left. Prue twists out a cornhusk doll, Piper grabs some lavender, and Phoebe starts sweeping with a convenient broom. The broom emits a bluish glow, which is transmitted to the talismans. They drop to the ground just as the Ps notice Micah, apparently being arrested by Granny Caan's minions. Let's go out on a limb, here: they filmed a scene wherein Cole tells Granny Caan the Ps are still alive, Cole and Granny Caan figure out it's Micah who helped them, and Micah is then arrested for his good deed. This sequence was then cut from the episode. I have no clue how they would know to fit him for a pair of undoubtedly period-appropriate manacles otherwise. Prue worries her pretty little head for a moment about this latest development; then she and Piper head into the Granny Caan Maternity Ward.
Charlotte's in a world of labor-induced pain as Prue and Piper burst into the bedchamber. Telling Charlotte they've been sent by Ava Exposition, they try to hustle Charlotte out of the house. Charlotte doesn't believe them, then screams out in pain. The Ps give her a crash course in Lamaze breathing that does no one any good, then Piper presses Charlotte's back in such a way that the pains from the contractions are greatly reduced. Charlotte asks Piper what she's done; Piper tells her "good magic," then hisses "acupressure" at Prue. As the two Ps gently ease Charlotte into sitting position, she lets out another mighty groan, and Prue notes with some distress that Charlotte's water has broken. Cut to a very dead Micah falling to the ground as Cole stands above him, bloody dagger in hand. Granny Caan urges Cole to check the house, and he replies the Ps are already in custody of Charlotte, but adds that he knows what they're going to do. He calls upon the members of the witch posse to follow him, and steps over the dead Micah. Cut to the clearing containing the witches' altar. Piper and Prue brusquely drag Charlotte along in an attempt to get her to Coven Cavern before nightfall. But Charlotte's ready to drop the kid right there, right now, and the four halt in the clearing as we cut away to commercial.
Clearing, night. Eleven o'clock, to be exact. As in, five hours after the scene. Is there a little bundle of joy nestling contentedly against Charlotte's bosom? Of course not. This is Charmed. The Ps huddle around the altar and stumble upon a method that might provide the "protected circle" in which Charlotte needs to give birth, just as the witch posse closes in. Five hours after the scene. Just wanted to point that out again. Anyway, Piper's given midwife duties, as the other two know she's going to have a little stranger herself at some point in the future. "I always get the messy jobs," she grunts, and stomps off to the prone and groaning Charlotte. Prue tells Phoebe to draw the circle while she works on the apples-and-laurel-leaves protection, as Cole and Granny Caan approach from a distance on horseback. Piper tells Charlotte to be as quiet as possible as Phoebe skitters around in a circle about them, tossing herbs this way and that. Just as the infant crowns, to the dismay of a panicked Piper, Prue and Phoebe grab the laureled apples and chant "knowledge and reverence" in unison. Well, it's not much, but it's better than the Hallmark cards they usually recite. Cole and Granny Caan watch from the sidelines, she wondering what he's waiting for, he revealing he wants to see "what they've learned." With the posse charging, Phoebe and Prue toss the apples to, presumably, the four points of the compass around them, and a blue circle flares up around the altar. The horses slam into the invisible obstacle and rear up, tossing their riders to the ground.
Cole notes the three Ps have "connected," and says it's too late for them to accomplish anything. As Granny Caan attempts to get him to change his mind, one of her minions fires off a shot which penetrates the protective circle to ricochet off the stone altar. Charlotte gives birth to a girl as another couple of rounds whistle past the four women in the circle. Phoebe gets an idea for something that might frighten off the posse for good, announces she's "going to embrace the clich," dons the conical hat, and perches herself on a broom. What she embraces is a crappy blue-screen effects sequence. The broom lights up and rises into the air, and Phoebe hovers over Granny Caan's minions, attempting to cackle ominously but managing to sound like a Tri-Delt at a frat kegger snorting Whip-Its. The posse scatters. Cole dismounts and opens up a portal in the ground before Granny Caan, then calmly steps down into it. Shot of Phoebe, riding her broom against the full moon glowing in the background. Shot of Piper and Prue, admiring the sight. Shot of Cuervo Gold, down my throat.
Coven Cavern. Cleaned-up bundle of joy, female variety, being cuddled by Alice in Covenland. She hands the kid off to Charlotte, and offers the Ps another "blessed be." Prue ribs Phoebe for being the source of the flying-hags-on-broomsticks clich, and I hand her a copy of the Malleus Malificarum, printed in 1486. Phoebe wonders why TPTB haven't sent the sisters back to their present, and Prue guesses the three still have another lesson to learn in the past. On cue, Charlotte provides said lesson: the child the Halliwells saved is Melinda Warren, a.k.a. Ur-Mom for the entire line of Halliwell witches. Lesson learned, the Coven Cavern's portal opens up and sucks the three through. Alice in Covenland parts her frosted lips as the wonder of sisterhood and Wiccan empowerment courses through her body, which is at one with nature and the universe and all of womynkind. Smell ya later, Alice.
Y2K Manor. A charming Victorian mantle clock strikes midnight as the portal opens in the front hall. The Festers await the return of the Ps, but just as Fester the First menaces, "I told you they'd come," Leo orbs in behind them and flings some of the potion at Fester's head. Vanquishing of the flesh-eating-bacteria sort commences, much to my delight. Before Leo can pop open a second vial of the potion, however, Fester the Second proceeds to strangle him with his own aura. In pop the Halliwells. "Haven't I vanquished you somewhere before?" Prue asks acidly, then TKs the remaining potion onto Fester the Second's bald head. More flesh-eating vanquishing, more delight from me. I enjoy this crap far too much. Vanquishing complete, Piper rushes to Leo's side, and as he insists he's all right, a still-blind Duhrryl staggers down the stairs. Leo restores Duhrryl's sight through a wave of his White Lighter hand across Duhrryl's face, then sweetly wishes Duhrryl "Happy Halloween" with a look of unbridled adoration on his face. Reaction shots of the sisters clearly indicate they have no plans to leave these two on their own in the future, and Piper is left to wonder if her boyfriend is really a home-wrecker with a taste for law-enforcement types.
P3 After Dark. This week's product-placed guest artist performs, and I fast forward through their set. Phoebe passes through the throng in the club with a freshly-carved pumpkin, which she sets on the bar in front of an amused Piper, Prue, and Leo. Weekly summation time as the sisters process through the day's experiences. Prue asks Leo if TPTB know who the demon sent back in time to eradicate their entire family tree is, and Leo allows that if "They" know, "They're" not telling. Piper guesses it was the Restoration fop who was "hitting on" Phoebe at the Renaissance Faire. Phoebe grouses that not every man who expresses an interest in her wants her dead, and I stifle a snicker. A familiar-looking gentleman approaches the group and addresses Prue, noting he'd been watching her from across the bar, and he thought he'd try to get some. I mean, "introduce himself." "Micah?" asks the incredulous Prue. "Mitch, actually. Have we met?" "I was just going to ask you the same thing," she replies, and takes leave of the three to bond with Mitch over a couple of tequila slammers. Piper and Leo exchange a fond glance as Phoebe giggles in delight. Whatever. At that moment, Cole enters. Well, a jackass in a snow-white robe with five-foot feathery angel wings enters. Phoebe excuses herself and runs up behind him. He nearly knocks her head off with his right wing as he turns to greet her. I hope all of you are sitting down for this bit. She thought she was getting stood up, he apologizes, noting he "lost track of time," and she admits she "got hung up" herself. Just wait. It gets worse. "So, you're an angel," she flirts, and he breaks into a toothy smile that proves to me that, in spite of the damage the wardrobe department attempts to inflict on his image, Julian McMahon will continue to hold a special place in my heart. "No. Not really," he replies, and she snuggles up close to him with "That's okay. Neither am I."
week on Charmed: Prue gets a stalker, and nobody believes her. Piper and Phoebe are so mean sometimes!