Props to Judy Foster, Jody's illegitimate barmaid twin, for sharing her extensive and heretofore useless knowledge of all things Frampton with me over a couple of cocktails the other night.
Tonight on Charmed: To save their future, the Halliwells must overcome the tragic fashion choices of their past. Or something like that.
Fade up on Halliwell Manor. Piper Halliwell, dressed as Glinda the Good Witch, descends the stairs on the arm of Leo Wyatt, who saved on the cost of a Halloween costume by pulling his old army uniform out of mothballs. Piper orders sisters Phoebe, who's wearing Cassandra Peterson's Elvira outfit, and Prue, who's dressed as some sort of earth goddess, to hurry, as they should have been at the club "a half an hour ago." Prue rides Piper for her costume choice. I wouldn't talk if I were her. While she looks improbably good in that dark blue brocaded bodice with the liberally-applied glitter, Prue's not exactly making a cutting-edge fashion statement, and I saw her wig -- complete with the butterflies and flowers -- last week at Night of a Hundred Drag Queens, on a bartender named Al who was dressed as Jane of the Jungle. Blather about Glinda being a good witch who helped innocents. Phoebe, who also looks far better than she has any right to, snarks, "You had the answer all along? That's not help, that's mind games." Word. Piper flounces about, refusing to allow her sisters to stomp her Leo-nookie-has-returned buzz as Phoebe wonders what exactly one celebrates on Halloween. Piper doesn't care. Phoebe grabs a handy Hallmark-store Halloween decoration and snits, "Hook-nosed hags riding broomsticks -- that's what we're celebrating." She does not approve of the image of witches in popular culture. Piper asks if Phoebe really thinks she's doing anything to dispel that image by dressing as "the Mistress of the Dark." Phoebe insists her costume is a protest statement, and Prue snarks that she's impressed Phoebe "can make a protest statement and show cleavage at the same time." "Thanks," Phoebe giggles, rearranging her hair to better display her pushed-up, out-thrust, barely-concealed rack. Something is terribly wrong. I'm enjoying all of this nonsense far more than I should.
They snicker and flounce their way to the kitchen, where Detective Darryl Morris, wearing a police uniform, is on the cordless with his wife. The men on this show are unrelievedly bland. Even a pirate costume would be better than what these losers have come up with. Come on, gents, if you're going to go the uniform route, at least put some sort of campy Village People spin on the whole thing. You are in San Francisco, aren't you? Anyway, Piper remarks on Darryl's unoriginality as if she had room to criticize, and Darryl counters proudly that it's his rookie uniform, and he can still fit in it. "Yeah, mine too," adds Leo. Darryl vies for the title of Thickest Character on This Show with both Phoebe and Leo by asking, "Innat from World War Two?" Round of guilty looks as Darryl asks Leo who he really is. Prue promises to explain on the way to the club, and stuffs her gob with caramel popcorn. Relationship chatter. Piper chides Prue for being picky, and therefore single. Prue retorts that the perfect man for her is out there somewhere, and she won't settle for anything less. Or something like that. My brain automatically filters out actual conversation content whenever they linger on these issues. Piper orders the gang to grab treats and get on their way. Phoebe stops them by announcing that they have to wait for Cole Turner. I just know he's going to show up dressed as a sailor. Which is fine, but I'm really hoping he goes for the Tim-Curry-as-Frank-N-Furter look. Then again, maybe I should stop watching VH1 on Halloween weekends. Darryl the Dimwitted asks Phoebe if she's dating the assistant district attorney, and she begs off, stating she just asked him along for the evening.
Outside, preadolescents bounce about, trick-or-treating. Two gentlemen in matching Uncle Fester costumes stride toward the manor, but are interrupted by a pint-sized blond ninja, who compliments their outfits. "Cool costumes, dudes!" Aryan Ninja enthuses, and Fester the First unleashes his demon side by pulling some sort of sight-sucking voodoo on the little boy. If I could, I'd have ripped out the kid's vocal cords for the entirely un-ironic use of "dudes" in a sentence, but I'll go along with the sight-sucking for the moment. Into the background squiggles Cole, who, while mercifully not in sailor drag, has apparently chosen to attend the Halliwell Halloween festivities as an "Assistant District Attorney." "What the hell are you doing?" he intones, and Fester the First, without interrupting the sight-sucking, turns to address Cole. "Balthazar?" Fester I asks with surprise. "I use the name Cole here," he corrects, and orders a halt to the sight-sucking. Fester I releases the bucktoothed Aryan Ninja, who scampers away. Not in fright or terror or anything. He just scampers away. A moment for demonic exposition. The Festers tell Cole they've come for the Charmed Ones, Cole asks if the sisters didn't dust the Festers two years ago, Fester the Second explains that Halloween is the time "when the veil between worlds thin [sic]," allowing demons in the know to return for revenge. Cole tells them to get lost, as he's there on a Triad-approved mission, the Festers tell him they no longer answer to the likes of the Triad as they're dead, and Cole monotones, "There's dead, and there's dead," which makes absolutely no sense whatsoever, but damn, that man has some blue eyes. The Festers aren't having it, so Cole squiggles away after noting he'll just "move up [the] timetable" for his cunning plan. Fester I: "I've always hated that demon." Fester II: "Nice costume, though." Demian: "Shut the hell up."
Piper and Phoebe get into place for a group photo while Prue goes in search of her prop broomstick. The doorbell rings insistently, and Phoebe goes to answer, placing the caramel popcorn and taffy apples she'd been carrying on the sideboard in the hall. Surprise! Not! It's the Festers, the first of whom grins out, "Trick or treat." Phoebe smiles stupidly and notes the Festers look "just like the Grim --" somethings, realizes they are the GrimSomethings, and then, as is her wont in crisis situations, yodels and retreats down the hallway. The GrimSomethings move into the house and tweak a little strangling voodoo on Phoebe and Piper. At least, I think they're strangling the ladies. The special effects are an array of golden beams of light emanating from their necks, and they start gasping, so that's my best guess. Stunned into place where they stand, Piper and Phoebe turn their backs on the GrimSomethings while, in the kitchen, Leo senses something's amiss. Leo and Darryl rush into the front hall at the same time as Prue, who assesses the situation quickly and TKs the Festers into the parlor, where they destroy yet another piece of manor furniture. Piper and Phoebe rush up to the others, Phoebe noting they'd vanquished the GrimSomethings already and wondering why they've returned. Leo has no idea, as he actually got a message to warn the three of the shimmering blue-green portal that erupts in the doorway behind them. The Festers charge back into the hallway, to be frozen by Piper. Before she can ask Leo what the deal is, the three women are sucked squealing through the portal, leaving only their wigs behind. Leo screams at the Powers That Be that the sisters don't know what's happening, and Darryl, ever the sharp one, notes, "This isn't good, right?"
Credits. One of these days, I'm going to frame through the title bit to see if the scrambled letters spell out anything subliminally filthy before they settle on "Charmed." Because my life is that dull.
Halliwell squealing heard through a swirling vortex of clouds. It's a twister, Auntie Em! Get it? No, really, do you get it? Because it's not the last Wizard of Oz reference in this episode. Not by a long shot. The vortex shoots the sisters into a clearing to a stone altar. I realize this is the WB and not the Playboy Channel, but the vortex stripped the sisters of their wigs, accessories, and makeup, but left them in their Halloween costumes. Uh…okay. The Ps wonder what the hell just happened to them, but their wondering is cut short by the appearance of a posse of historical types on horseback, brandishing scythes and muskets. The Halliwells dive for cover, as Piper notes they're "not in Kansas anymore." And you never were, moron. You were in California, so can it with the Dorothy Gale dialogue. The three crouch behind some underbrush as they realize they've most likely time traveled again. Piper snits that she hates time travel, Phoebe one-ups her by reminding her that the last time they did so, she was burned at the stake, and Prue shuts them up to fish around for some relevant information. Judging by the clothing of their pursuers, Prue guesses they've been thrown into the sixteen or seventeen hundreds, a time during which, as Phoebe notes, the average lifespan of a witch was "about fifteen minutes." A colonist ("Micah," we learn from the shouted query of the posse leader) sneaks up on them from behind, and Piper moves to freeze him, but Prue stops her after exchanging a soul-searching look with him. Micah lies about their presence in the underbrush, and the posse retreats. More why-are-we-here muttering, interrupted by individuals unseen bagging the sisters' heads with burlap sacks. They don't look that bad, guys. You should've seen them two weeks ago.
A weird fold-in-fold-out cut to the present-day Manor hallway, where the Festers remain frozen. Tiresome nattering between Darryl and Leo follows. Darryl again asks, "Who are you?" of Leo, and gets no answer. Leo wants to get Darryl out of the house, Darryl insists he stay to help the Halliwells because "they're like sisters" to him, the Festers unfreeze and chase the boys in uniform up the stairs. Darryl, who for some reason accessorized his Halloween costume with a loaded automatic, fires off six or seven shots into the Festers' chests, which momentarily disables them. Leo drags Darryl up to the attic, leaving the Festers to plot on the floor. Whatever.
Wipe-cut to the past, where the sisters are unbagged in a candlelit cave. A woman in period garb turns her attention from the pot she's been stirring to the three. Genuflecting in front of them, she intones, "Blessed be," to the quizzical looks of the Halliwells. The woman introduces herself as "Ava, a midwife and a witch, and a free citizen of the colony of Virginia," and expositions the sisters have been called back to the year 1670 to help save a child who is to be born that evening -- a "magical baby," whose mother has been kidnapped by a "dark practitioner" who wishes to raise the child in evil. If they fail, "good magic will never flourish in the New World." Piper and Prue wonder why, if the seventeenth-century coven had the power to pull the three back through time, they don't have the power to save the child themselves. Ava Exposition tells them the power of All Hallows' Eve -- "the witches' most sacred day" -- is what drew the sisters back, and I'm sure TPTB consider smiting her for that bit of ignorant insolence. Ava blathers on about the importance of All Hallows' Eve, then wonders why the sisters don't know of this already. Halloween "isn't what it used to be," Phoebe weakly explains. Piper wants to know if the coven can send them back to 2000 once they've completed their task, Ava states the coven thought the sisters would know how to do this, Piper bitches, and Prue pulls Phoebe and Piper aside to regroup. Prue surmises that "They" sent the Halliwells back, and Piper snarks, "Leave it to 'Them' to zap first and explain never." Prue tells her to knock it off, and figures "They" will return the sisters to their own time after they've saved the baby, which they must accomplish by midnight, giving them less than ten hours, according to Piper's watch. Prue asks Ava if the coven had come up with a plan of its own. Ava hands her a vial containing a potion to put the guards holding the expecting mother to sleep, then announces that the coven figured the sisters would take it from there. D'ohs all around.
Cut to the nearby colonial settlement, where preparations are underway for some sort of festival. The sisters, now fetchingly clad in appropriate period costume, approach cautiously through the surrounding wood, Ava Exposition in tow. Phoebe asks about the party preparations, and Ava Exposition notes it's the work of the kidnapper, "Ruth Caan." James's wife, I assume. If I had a TV that supported closed captioning, I'm sure I could tell you if her name is actually Cahn (Sammy), Conn (Didi), or KHAN! (Shatner, William). I don't, so Caan it is. Mistress Caan is throwing the shindig, purportedly to mock All Hallows' Eve, but Ava Exposition knows the real reason. Mistress Caan intends to "tap into the powers of dark magic" through the celebration. The sisters gaze warily upon musketed witch hunters mingling in the crowd. Ava Exposition notes that they're working for Ruth. Espying Micah, Prue notes with a gleam in her eye, "Not all of them." Phoebe makes mocking noises and moves to enter the settlement clearing. Ava Exposition points out some hammered-tin baubles hanging from the trees, and warns the sisters of these "talismans," which have prevented all prior efforts of the good witches to rescue the imprisoned pregnant woman. Phoebe smirks that talismans "don't pack much of a punch" where the sisters come from, and as the three ignore Ava's warning not to enter the settlement proper, one of the talismans fires up red and shoots an energy beam at the Halliwells, knocking them several feet back into the woods. General consternation among the colonists, and the witch hunters move to kill the four women. Prue tries to TK them and fails, Pipers attempts to freeze them and fails, Ava is horrified to discover the sisters' powers don't work in 1670, and a witch hunter shoots her in the arm. The three Ps grab Ava and retreat into the forest, witch posse on their heels.
Cut to a view of the action through a mullioned window. The camera pulls back to reveal a black-clad blonde watching the scene from the second floor of a house within the settlement. As if her garments aren't enough of a clue, she turns to address a bed-bound redhead with a British accent. This must be Mrs. Caan, who in fact looks old enough to be James's mother. Ruth tells the bed-bound "Charlotte" that her friend has once again tried and failed to rescue her -- this time, with the worthless assistance of three strangers. Charlotte determinedly insists Ruth will not steal her as-yet-unborn child, and Ruth begs to disagree, noting that in spite of the additional assistance Ava may receive from the Halliwells, she herself will be getting help from "somebody special who has just arrived." For Christ's sake, Elvira Caan, just whip out an hourglass full of Technicolor red sand and leave Charlotte to her contractions while you go for a joyride on your broom with the flying monkeys. She exits the bedchamber to chat with her "special somebody," who lurks in the shadows against the back wall. We all know it's Cole, people. Enough with this weak attempt at suspense. Ruth quizzes her visitor, saying she'd like to know how he imbued the talismans with such great power, and asking him who he is and from whence he came "pray tell." "Pray tell"? Oy, the pain this dialogue is giving me. Though not as bad as the pain Cole's period costume is about to inflict. Cole emerges from the shadows wearing a stringy long brown wig that screams "Peter Frampton" loudly into my ear, with a floppy white bow tied around his neck. I toss the wardrobe mistress a sullen glare as Cole announces ominously he's "from the future. To prevent it." Cut to commercial.
Fade up on Coven Cavern. Ava Exposition applies a cloth to her bullet wound as she sulks and snits that the power-free sisters might as well return to their own time. The coven asked for powerful witches and ended up with frauds, she pouts, and I wonder if her Alice-In-Wonderland bangs and headband really were that much of a fashion craze in seventeenth-century Virginia. The sisters attempt to placate her, with Prue noting that, since the three Ps technically don't exist yet, their powers don't exist either. Alice Exposition gripes that saving the infant is her "destiny," and an extra with a pink ruffled doily on her head appears with a strip of cloth. Extra Witch hands the strip of fabric to Alice in Covenland, telling her to bite down on it, and nods to another doily-headed maiden, who moves to the fire to retrieve a white-hot andiron from the embers. Piper steps in to ask them what the hell they think they're doing. "Cauterizing her wound," Betty Extra replies, and Piper snarks that while the three Ps may not have their powers, they still are in command of "the basics." She sends the extras off in search of hot water, soap, and clean towels. What I don't know about medicine would fill a library, but I seem to recall that hot water and soap aren't nearly enough to prevent infection and gangrene from a musket ball wound. So, um, shut up, Piper, and let the extras sear Alice in Covenland's flesh, okay? The three Ps ask Alice Exposition to teach them the basics of 1600s witchcraft, in the hopes that information will help them express their own "inherently magical" natures.
Another wacky in-and-out flip cut to the Y2K Manor. Darryl and Leo have locked themselves in the attic, where Leo peruses the Book of Shadows for a Fester solution. He's determined the GrimSomethings are actually "Grimlocks." Their entry on the "Auras" page in the BoS reveals them to be "white demons with…red eyes." The props department might have wanted to clue the make-up department in on this little detail, as Fester and Chester have thus far had black eyes. The Grimlocks travel "from city to city killing powerful forces of Good," whom they target using the purloined eyesight of innocent children. Interestingly enough, the BoS notes that the stolen eyesight lasts for only twenty-four hours, after which the Grimlocks eat the kids. Now, that's something I'd like to see on this damned show, especially if the child to be eaten is that Aryan Ninja "dude" from the pre-credits sequence. Leo moves to copy the Grimlock vanquishing potion out of the BoS, and we cut to Fester and Lester bitching at each other in the hall outside the attic. Molester peers through the keyhole at a warily-approaching Darryl and proceeds to strangle Darryl with his own aura once he's moved within range. Once Darryl drops his gun, the Grimlocks kick in the attic door. Leo orbs over to grab Darryl, then orbs the two of them down to the kitchen. For the third damn time, Dimwit asks Leo who he is. And for the third damn time, Leo ignores the question, stating that they "have a potion to cook up."
Wipe to Granny Caan's Maternity Ward For Unwed Witches. Granny's playing with a Tarot deck while the pregnant redhead groans through a contraction on the bed. Cole enters, and my God, does he look like a jackass. As if the Frampton Comes Alive! wig and floppy bow weren't enough, he's wearing a Restoration-Era black frock coat over a shirt whose sleeves puff out so far, he looks like he has Popeye's forearms. He dampens a cloth and moves to Charlotte on the bed. Charlotte orders him not to touch her. He replies it's unnecessary for her to be in any more pain than she has to be, and she asks him to let her go. Crisis of conscience for Cole, as he tells Charlotte that freeing her would do her no good, even if he were allowed to do so. Shocked gasp from Granny, leaning over the Tarot cards. She reads from them the current presence of "great good" from Cole's time. Cole guesses who that "great good" is, and tells Granny Caan not to worry, as he knows how to deal with them.
Coven Cavern. Ava Exposition presents the three Ps with cornhusk dolls, which she calls "totems," designed to remind them of their "power as women." More New-Age bullshit, as Alice in Covenland helps the sisters "reclaim" the symbols of witchcraft that had been denigrated in the twentieth century. The conical black hat allows them to focus their energy, the pentacle at the core of an apple protects them from evil when covered with a laurel leaf, masks conceal their identity from the demons who roam the earth on All Hallows' Eve, and a broom when swept from east to west sweeps evil from their path. I detail all of this only because it comes into play later in the episode. Otherwise, I would have slept through this low-rent witchcrap. "Knowledge," "reverence," "connect with the power of this day." Shut up, Alice. She tells the three that Betty the Extra Witch will accompany them to the festival while she remains in Coven Cavern to nurse her wound.
Settlement Central. Renaissance Faire in progress. Cole stalks through the festivities, to be joined by Granny Caan. Granny's not overly concerned about the presence of the three Ps, but Cole reminds her that he's seen the future, and warns Granny Caan her "ignorance is [her] destiny." Cut to the three Ps approaching the settlement, with Betty Extra passing out the low-tech witchcrap trinkets. Phoebe gets a carved pumpkin in addition to her "totem" and mask, as this will turn away a demon if she happens to run into one. Whatever, Betty. Your scant few lines have no power in this episode. Be gone, before someone drops a top-heavy maiden on you. Betty Extra complies with my request, and the three Ps don their masks to join the Renaissance Faire already in progress.
Phoebe, who really does look good in this episode with her blonde highlights twisted to frame her face, is approached by a huckster who promises to reveal the initial of her true love's name through use of an apple peel and a vat of rainwater. Phoebe declines, but a masked Cole approaches and urges her to go along with it, noting that apples are "the fruit of knowledge." He apparently does not recognize her, and she apparently can't get past that stringy Frampton's Camel 'do to realize who he really is, either. Huckster Bob peels off a strip of apple, tells Phoebe to blow on it, and drops it into the water. It uncurls to form a -- wait for it -- "C." "Cole," Phoebe murmurs. This is evidently enough to clue Cole in to who she really is, and the pumpkin leaps from Phoebe's garments to the ground to do…absolutely nothing. Eagle-eyed Granny Caan catches sight of this, and orders her guards to seize Phoebe. Prue and Piper rush to their sister's aid, but are captured as well. Granny Caan orders her guards to hang the Ps, a bemasked Micah notes it would be his pleasure to do so, he and Prue exchange Looks Fraught With Significance, Cole removes his mask to reveal a wounded and tortured expression on his downcast face, and we cut to a clearing outside the village.
The Witch-Hanging Oak. Piper, Prue, and Phoebe sit astride three horses, nooses knotted around their necks. Masked Micah rides up as Piper grunts, "Tell me this is not happening." More furtive yet significant glances between Micah and Prue as Cole belatedly arrives on horseback. "Hang, witch," quoth Micah, and the horses are prodded from beneath the Ps. At odd angles, the Halliwells swing in the breeze, a bit passively for women who should be strangling to death as first the posse, then Cole, watch for a moment, and ride away. Cut to black. Damn them! How will I make it through the commercial break without tearing out what remains of my hair in suspense and frustration? Oh, yeah. I own Heathers on VHS and could see what's coming even if I blindfolded myself and then tacked that blindfold in place by jamming an icepick through the fabric into each of my eyes.
Halliwells swing beneath the branches of the Witch-Hanging Oak. I knew I should've let them take those jobs at the mall. Micah approacheth, looketh he back behind him for them that would pursueth him, sidleth he over on horseback to the hanging tree, then slasheth with his blade at the rope. Ps fall to the ground, grimacing a bit in pain. Micah apologizes, noting he picked up the little trick of running the noose line to the waist from Veronica Sawyer, and I promise not to reference Heathers again in this recap.
Piper wants to know how Prue knew to trust Micah, and she girlishly replies as she brushes a stray lock of hair from her face, "From the look in his eyes." Yick. "So that would be the second time you saved our necks," she croons to him as she raises his mask from his face. "And what beautiful necks they are," he replies, kissing her hand. Piper eyerolls as Micah formally introduces himself: "I'm Micah." "I'm charmed," Prue murmurs. "I'm vomiting," notes Demian. Phoebe apologizes for "breaking up the balcony scene" and asks Micah why he keeps helping them. Micah's seen the damage dark magic can do, and any enemy of Granny Caan is a friend of his, regardless of witch status. Prue gently kisses him on his cheek by way of thanks, and Micah makes his exit. "Who was that masked man?" she sighs, and Piper and I roll our eyes back so far in our heads, I worry we'll sever our respective optic nerves. Piper steers the conversation back to the matter of saving the unborn child of destiny, Prue waxes romantic, and Piper tells her to can it.
Another location cut, ripped straight from Microsoft PowerPoint 97 SR-1. Wipe from top of the screen to the bottom to reveal Y2K Manor. In the kitchen, Leo stirs some apple chunks around in a pot of greenish liquid. He tastes the mixture and states, "We need more thyme." Duhrryl checks his watch. D'oh! Leo's been getting more and more -- I don't know -- feminine throughout this episode, by the way, as Duhrryl's been heading just as far in the opposite direction. I keep expecting them to drop what they're doing and make out on the kitchen table. Maybe it's the uniforms. The doorbell rings, indicating either Grimlock-endangered trick-or-treaters at the door or the Grimlocks themselves attempting to lure the boys out of the kitchen. Hey, it could be a couple of proselytizing Mormons, you know, or some Jehovah's Witnesses armed with Watchtower pamphlets. Just sayin'. Duhrryl insists Leo stay in the kitchen to finish the potion like the good little wife while Duhrryl checks the front door. Leo glances anxiously at his retreating form.
Duhrryl opens the door, thrusts a bowl of caramels at the three tots on the doorstep, and tells them to spread the word the manor's out of candy. He then eases his way back into the parlor, where he's ambushed by the Festers, who, by the way, are oozing greyish-green goo from their gunshot wounds. One of them starts in with the sight-sucking on Duhrryl, who manages to distract them by setting off the flash on the camera, miraculously in place on its tripod in this scene, in spite of the fact that Prue had TKed the Festers through said camera at the beginning of the episode.
In-and-out flip cut to Colonial Williamsburg. The Ps huddle at the edge of the settlement, trying to figure out a way past the talismans. Which didn't seem to stop them the last time they were there, but I've pretty much given up all hope for any sort of continuity at this point. Piper notes it's already six in the evening, and they haven't much time or witchcrap left. Prue twists out a cornhusk doll, Piper grabs some lavender, and Phoebe starts sweeping with a convenient broom. The broom emits a bluish glow, which is transmitted to the talismans. They drop to the ground just as the Ps notice Micah, apparently being arrested by Granny Caan's minions. Let's go out on a limb, here: they filmed a scene wherein Cole tells Granny Caan the Ps are still alive, Cole and Granny Caan figure out it's Micah who helped them, and Micah is then arrested for his good deed. This sequence was then cut from the episode. I have no clue how they would know to fit him for a pair of undoubtedly period-appropriate manacles otherwise. Prue worries her pretty little head for a moment about this latest development; then she and Piper head into the Granny Caan Maternity Ward.
Charlotte's in a world of labor-induced pain as Prue and Piper burst into the bedchamber. Telling Charlotte they've been sent by Ava Exposition, they try to hustle Charlotte out of the house. Charlotte doesn't believe them, then screams out in pain. The Ps give her a crash course in Lamaze breathing that does no one any good, then Piper presses Charlotte's back in such a way that the pains from the contractions are greatly reduced. Charlotte asks Piper what she's done; Piper tells her "good magic," then hisses "acupressure" at Prue. As the two Ps gently ease Charlotte into sitting position, she lets out another mighty groan, and Prue notes with some distress that Charlotte's water has broken. Cut to a very dead Micah falling to the ground as Cole stands above him, bloody dagger in hand. Granny Caan urges Cole to check the house, and he replies the Ps are already in custody of Charlotte, but adds that he knows what they're going to do. He calls upon the members of the witch posse to follow him, and steps over the dead Micah. Cut to the clearing containing the witches' altar. Piper and Prue brusquely drag Charlotte along in an attempt to get her to Coven Cavern before nightfall. But Charlotte's ready to drop the kid right there, right now, and the four halt in the clearing as we cut away to commercial.
Clearing, night. Eleven o'clock, to be exact. As in, five hours after the scene. Is there a little bundle of joy nestling contentedly against Charlotte's bosom? Of course not. This is Charmed. The Ps huddle around the altar and stumble upon a method that might provide the "protected circle" in which Charlotte needs to give birth, just as the witch posse closes in. Five hours after the scene. Just wanted to point that out again. Anyway, Piper's given midwife duties, as the other two know she's going to have a little stranger herself at some point in the future. "I always get the messy jobs," she grunts, and stomps off to the prone and groaning Charlotte. Prue tells Phoebe to draw the circle while she works on the apples-and-laurel-leaves protection, as Cole and Granny Caan approach from a distance on horseback. Piper tells Charlotte to be as quiet as possible as Phoebe skitters around in a circle about them, tossing herbs this way and that. Just as the infant crowns, to the dismay of a panicked Piper, Prue and Phoebe grab the laureled apples and chant "knowledge and reverence" in unison. Well, it's not much, but it's better than the Hallmark cards they usually recite. Cole and Granny Caan watch from the sidelines, she wondering what he's waiting for, he revealing he wants to see "what they've learned." With the posse charging, Phoebe and Prue toss the apples to, presumably, the four points of the compass around them, and a blue circle flares up around the altar. The horses slam into the invisible obstacle and rear up, tossing their riders to the ground.
Cole notes the three Ps have "connected," and says it's too late for them to accomplish anything. As Granny Caan attempts to get him to change his mind, one of her minions fires off a shot which penetrates the protective circle to ricochet off the stone altar. Charlotte gives birth to a girl as another couple of rounds whistle past the four women in the circle. Phoebe gets an idea for something that might frighten off the posse for good, announces she's "going to embrace the cliché," dons the conical hat, and perches herself on a broom. What she embraces is a crappy blue-screen effects sequence. The broom lights up and rises into the air, and Phoebe hovers over Granny Caan's minions, attempting to cackle ominously but managing to sound like a Tri-Delt at a frat kegger snorting Whip-Its. The posse scatters. Cole dismounts and opens up a portal in the ground before Granny Caan, then calmly steps down into it. Shot of Phoebe, riding her broom against the full moon glowing in the background. Shot of Piper and Prue, admiring the sight. Shot of Cuervo Gold, down my throat.
Coven Cavern. Cleaned-up bundle of joy, female variety, being cuddled by Alice in Covenland. She hands the kid off to Charlotte, and offers the Ps another "blessed be." Prue ribs Phoebe for being the source of the flying-hags-on-broomsticks cliché, and I hand her a copy of the Malleus Malificarum, printed in 1486. Phoebe wonders why TPTB haven't sent the sisters back to their present, and Prue guesses the three still have another lesson to learn in the past. On cue, Charlotte provides said lesson: the child the Halliwells saved is Melinda Warren, a.k.a. Ur-Mom for the entire line of Halliwell witches. Lesson learned, the Coven Cavern's portal opens up and sucks the three through. Alice in Covenland parts her frosted lips as the wonder of sisterhood and Wiccan empowerment courses through her body, which is at one with nature and the universe and all of womynkind. Smell ya later, Alice.
Y2K Manor. A charming Victorian mantle clock strikes midnight as the portal opens in the front hall. The Festers await the return of the Ps, but just as Fester the First menaces, "I told you they'd come," Leo orbs in behind them and flings some of the potion at Fester's head. Vanquishing of the flesh-eating-bacteria sort commences, much to my delight. Before Leo can pop open a second vial of the potion, however, Fester the Second proceeds to strangle him with his own aura. In pop the Halliwells. "Haven't I vanquished you somewhere before?" Prue asks acidly, then TKs the remaining potion onto Fester the Second's bald head. More flesh-eating vanquishing, more delight from me. I enjoy this crap far too much. Vanquishing complete, Piper rushes to Leo's side, and as he insists he's all right, a still-blind Duhrryl staggers down the stairs. Leo restores Duhrryl's sight through a wave of his White Lighter hand across Duhrryl's face, then sweetly wishes Duhrryl "Happy Halloween" with a look of unbridled adoration on his face. Reaction shots of the sisters clearly indicate they have no plans to leave these two on their own in the future, and Piper is left to wonder if her boyfriend is really a home-wrecker with a taste for law-enforcement types.
P3 After Dark. This week's product-placed guest artist performs, and I fast forward through their set. Phoebe passes through the throng in the club with a freshly-carved pumpkin, which she sets on the bar in front of an amused Piper, Prue, and Leo. Weekly summation time as the sisters process through the day's experiences. Prue asks Leo if TPTB know who the demon sent back in time to eradicate their entire family tree is, and Leo allows that if "They" know, "They're" not telling. Piper guesses it was the Restoration fop who was "hitting on" Phoebe at the Renaissance Faire. Phoebe grouses that not every man who expresses an interest in her wants her dead, and I stifle a snicker. A familiar-looking gentleman approaches the group and addresses Prue, noting he'd been watching her from across the bar, and he thought he'd try to get some. I mean, "introduce himself." "Micah?" asks the incredulous Prue. "Mitch, actually. Have we met?" "I was just going to ask you the same thing," she replies, and takes leave of the three to bond with Mitch over a couple of tequila slammers. Piper and Leo exchange a fond glance as Phoebe giggles in delight. Whatever. At that moment, Cole enters. Well, a jackass in a snow-white robe with five-foot feathery angel wings enters. Phoebe excuses herself and runs up behind him. He nearly knocks her head off with his right wing as he turns to greet her. I hope all of you are sitting down for this bit. She thought she was getting stood up, he apologizes, noting he "lost track of time," and she admits she "got hung up" herself. Just wait. It gets worse. "So, you're an angel," she flirts, and he breaks into a toothy smile that proves to me that, in spite of the damage the wardrobe department attempts to inflict on his image, Julian McMahon will continue to hold a special place in my heart. "No. Not really," he replies, and she snuggles up close to him with "That's okay. Neither am I."
week on Charmed: Prue gets a stalker, and nobody believes her. Piper and Phoebe are so mean sometimes!