No "previously on Charmed" this week, which I assume is an indication that all expectations regarding series continuity are out the window. Watch me be right. A brief establishing shot of the sun shining through the Golden Gate Bridge, and we're flung right into an opening montage of nuptially-challenged Piper "The Sweet One" Halliwell being harassed at every turn. Ladies in curlers avidly paging through bridal magazines at the beauty parlor! Gals from the steno pool squealing over engagement rings in the elevator! A pneumatic bleach blonde in full wedding princess regalia sweeping down the street in an open convertible! Bitches! All of them! Bitches!
Cut to the dining room of the Halliwell Manor, where we catch Prue "The Smart One" and Phoebe "And Then There's the Ho!" Halliwell in mid-conversation while they toy with yellow and orange cardboard eyeglasses that look like the ones I once donned to watch Ann Miller tap dance on a coffee table in all her three-dimensional horror. "She's gonna choose you," Prue states. "You get to hang out with her a lot more." Phoebe counters that Piper's known Prue longer, and that they had "bonding time" before Phoebe had been born. Prue notes that children of one and three years of age don't bond, and color me extremely male, but I have no idea what they're really talking about. Prue is wearing a two-toned pink scarf top with no apparent supporting undergarment. I'll go out on a limb and guess the shades of pink are called "blush" and "bashful." I'll go even further out on that limb and call what that top is covering "Droopy" and "Sag." Phoebe's more conservatively attired in a standard-issue strappy patterned slut top. Phoebe finishes fiddling with a pair of the glasses and slides them onto her face. Prue for some reason has waited until this moment to ask Phoebe what the glasses are for. Phoebe perks that they're for viewing the eclipse just as Piper peevishly enters the Manor through the front door.
Prue and Phoebe drop what they're doing to confront the irritable Piper. Turns out they were wondering which sister gets to be the maid of honor at Piper's wedding ceremony. Okay, I'm extremely male. Or maybe I'm so passionately averse to the topic of the dating relationships on this show, I'm unable to process blatantly obvious information related to those relationships. Anyway, Piper's having none of this wedding talk and snits off a list of traditional wedding accoutrements she's not allowed to have, including guests, a cake, a band, and flowers. She then wonders why, after all that, they'd assume she'd be allowed bridesmaids. Phoebe and Prue drag her to the couch for a little pep talk. Long story short, Piper still has issues with the whole "Stealth Elopement" plan agreed upon in last week's episode. I really want to feel something other than apathy for her at this moment, but she's being petty. Prue gives voice to my line of thinking by stating, "Okay, maybe you're not getting your dream wedding, but you are getting your dream guy."
On cue, the Orb Sound kicks in, and Leo "Her Heavenly Dream, My Frat-Boy Nightmare" Wyatt appears on the landing above the ladies. Phoebe sings out an exultant "Leo!" only to modify that to a whispered greeting when he tells her to pipe down. Leo's come with some bad news: The Powers That Be want an answer in twenty-four hours regarding Piper and Leo's illicit love affair. To remind everyone one more time: either Piper and Leo break up, or Leo gets reassigned and the Halliwells never see him again. Leo again suggests they marry immediately, and Piper again reveals she's worried about getting caught, which would precipitate the "unspeakable wrath" of The Powers That Be, "the likes of which [the sisters] can't even imagine." Leo tells the three Ps that, now that there's an official deadline, TPTB will be listening very closely to all Halliwell/White Lighter gabfests over the day. Mention of the "W word" is strictly verboten. Prue reads my thoughts again and wonders aloud how they can proceed with the wedding if TPTB are watching them like hawks. She then turns to Phoebe to ask if a solution can be found in the Book of Shadows. As I wait in vain for TPTB to smite the four of them immediately for holding this discussion in the first place, Phoebe notes she found nothing on the topic, and adds that she's still hung up on the "unspeakable wrath" thing. "Is that just the bride and groom," she deadpans, "or does it also include bridesmaids?" Snicker.
Prue shoots her a weary "Phoebe," and in a series of seeming non-sequiturs, Phoebe can't figure out why the relationship is forbidden, Prue notes that "rules are meant to be broken," Phoebe counters with, "Bodies aren't," and Piper interjects, "Neither are hearts." That wasn't a skillet or an anvil that just hit me, people. That was the entire foundry town of Ambridge, Pennsylvania, dropped directly onto my fragile little head. Vodka clearly will not be enough to help me through this episode, so I pull the big bottle of Jägermeister out of the liquor cabinet at Chez Demian.
More back and forth involving the secret wedding, Leo issues a final warning and orbs out, a bit of tender sisterly bonding, and Paula Cole stops by for a guest appearance. Oops. That was the caterwauling of an actual cat. Kit "Toxo" Halliwell shrieks from off-screen, and the sisters rush to the back of the house to investigate. They fling open the front door to find Kit, hackles up in attack mode, cornering an owl. On the front porch. When they originally ran to the back of the -- oh, the hell with it. I crack open the Jägermeister and toast the non-existent continuity editor. "Bad kitty!" Phoebe admonishes, as the eerie background music cranks up. The owl puffs up a bit, then flashes out into the form of a very naked and very well-built young man, curled in the same bidness-hiding crouch as Michael Biehn in the first Terminator movie. The Halliwell gals, however, can see all the way down this particular piece of eye candy, leading Piper to gasp and flutter her hands around in embarrassment, Phoebe to stare in slack-jawed astonishment, and Prue to leer and purr, "Good kitty." Hee.
Credits. Prue may be the sun and the air, but Piper is human and needs to be loved, just like everybody else does. I'm human, I have a brain, I get. It. ALREADY, and I down another Jäger shot. Of note this week: Darryl's been vanquished from the title sequence, but Cole is still with us. Thank God for small favors, I suppose.
Establishing shot of the Bay Bridge. At night. Halliwell Manor. Still nighttime. Manor parlor, immediately following the preceding scene, which took place in the middle of the day. Shot count this episode: three. Eye Candy wraps a towel around his naked self while asking, "Are you afraid of me?" Nope, hon, but I'm a bit worried about my liver at this point. Prue cautiously lobs back, "Are you planning on sprouting horns, growing fangs, and eating us?" Eye Candy replies, "If you work for him, I'll do worse than that." Piper tires of the "verbal ping-pong" about the same time I do, and tells them to get to the point so focus can shift back to her and her petty little problems. A bit of verbal sparring ensues, with the sisters attempting to get Eye Candy to explain his obviously odd situation and an impatient Eye Candy giving them little by way of backstory. The bit he does allow lets them know that he's been cursed by his boss to fly about during the daylight hours as an owl, this curse was placed on him a considerable time ago, he plans to end it this evening by killing the man who placed it on him, and he has no time for the sisters and their magic, having lost enough already due to their cat dragging him back to their house. Sorry, but I'm not buying that. That bird looked big enough to turn cuddly Kit into a series of little furry owl pellets. Prue gently asks for him for thirty more seconds so the sisters can "huddle," and Piper offers him some of Leo's clothes.
Prue gets in a final Eye Candy ogle as she and Piper turn to join Phoebe, who observes Eye Candy has "that whole tortured innocent thing going on." Piper notes he doesn't want their help, Prue reminds them neither he nor they have much choice in the matter, and then instructs Piper to ready herself to freeze him should he decide to bolt. She turns to ad-lib her way through a plan for Eye Candy, but he apparently just grabbed some clothes and ran. Priority discussion, as Piper attempts to blow off the innocent, and Prue and Phoebe note that the three can take care of both the wedding and the Eye Candy. To keep TPTB off the scent, Piper mumbles upon the shotworthy "rutabaga" as the code word of choice for the wedding, and then incorrectly suggests the sisters use the "divide and conquer" approach to solve both of the issues at hand. Prue catches Kit batting about a discarded owl feather, and tells the other two to research Piper's root vegetable while she "scribes" or whatever with the feather and the BoS. Phoebe tries to get out of turnip duty to help Prue with the innocent instead, but Prue shuts her down, noting that Piper needs Phoebe's help just as much as Eye Candy does, "maybe more." Phoebe passively/aggressively snits that she's aware they have to help the innocent, as this is part of the rules they agreed to follow. She does not believe, however, they should be helping Piper break said rules. Prue pulls an eyeroll out of her bag of reactions for that one, and turns to head for the attic as Phoebe glides past to join Piper.
Cut to a brightly-lit Barnes & Noble where Phoebe and Piper, arms laden with books, wait on line for the checkout. Phoebe, wearing what appears to be the red leather jacket from Michael Jackson's "Beat It" days in the early eighties, states to no one's surprise, "I don't get it." And you never will, Phoebe. You never will. "If our ancient compilation of spells, witchcrafts [sic], and rituals can't help us, what makes you think Martha Stewart can?" Piper huffs that she doesn't get Phoebe's sudden change of heart on the turnip issue as Cole "Tall, Dark, and Wicked" Turner walks up to the pair with "Ding, ding! Back to your corners." Saucer of milk, Cole? Hormone-laden awkwardness mixed with toothy grins as Cole greets Phoebe, and Phoebe reintroduces Piper to Cole. Phoebe tells Cole they "have to stop meeting like this," and Cole responds, "You better be careful. A guy might think he's being followed." Piper tells them to can it, and Phoebe glares. Shut up, Phoebe.
"Cute" "banter" as Cole reveals he's on their side of town to pick up some research on a forensic psychology case. They flirt their way up to the cashier, and Piper and Cole set their respective stacks of books down on the counter. Her pile is topped by a slim little volume entitled How To Keep Your Marriage Hush-Hush. Who knew there's a market for such a topic? More importantly, what genius on the writing staff thinks I'm going to buy this appallingly awful example of "ingenious" witchy research? I again pray for TPTB to unleash the promised unspeakable wrath on their idiot asses as sharp-eyed Cole notes the title and asks who the lucky sister is. Piper lamely attempts to turn her initial answer of "me" into "Mimi. Our cousin, Mimi," and Cole surreptitiously wiggles his fingers a bit, causing the interiors of the twin shopping bags to light up. Gee, wonder what he did there? Phoebe and Cole continue to flirt, to the great annoyance of Piper, me, and what I assume to be the rest of the viewing audience. Cole tells Phoebe he has to bolt, as he has plans to "run into another eyewitness" across the street, Phoebe decides this is "cute," Cole notes that he "get[s] cuter," and Piper grabs her bag and walks off. As Phoebe tags along after her, the soundtrack swells ominously, and Cole reaches into his bag to pull out a couple of Piper's books: the aforementioned volume and another entitled The Secret To Eloping. I grind my teeth in barely-suppressed rage, hoping Cole will dust all three of them for their sheer stupidity.
Deco office tower exterior. Night. Full moon. Keep that last bit in mind, folks. Full moon. Cut to an office that I suppose is meant to be decorated in a sinister manner, if "sinister manner" is the equivalent of "appalling late-eighties color scheme." Two men in Business Fashions by Regis Philbin enter, and the goateed one of the pair notes that they "made a killing today" on the markets. The blond one sits at the desk as details of the day's trades are recounted. Unfortunate Facial Hair places a document on the desk, which Smug Blond signs by swiping his finger over it, leaving a fiery signature trail in its wake. The jackass could use a pen, I suppose, but then we wouldn't know this is part of the "Evil Curse" B-plot of tonight's episode. Because the décor, their clothes, and their demeanor didn't clue us in to that fact. Smug Blond remarks that not all of his investments are showing a return and bitches about the screech he's been hearing in the night. Screech? As in an owl? As in Eye Candy? "It reeks of despair," Smug Blond moans. I agree, then realize he means the screech, not this episode's reliance upon this tired subplot. "He's near, circling," the smug one continues. Like the vultures waiting to snack on the bloated, rotting carcass of your acting career, bucko.
In a nutshell, Smug Blond reveals he sought out "The Power" primarily to get freaky with an as-yet-unnamed lady, and the two-month-old curse should have broken the will of its targets by now. Sidebar: I chose not to see Ladyhawke upon its initial release fifteen years ago, I continue to choose not to watch it when it pops up on cable, and I am immensely irritated that I have to watch it now in this blatant, tired, wholesale rip-off of its major plot points. Tonight's shot count: seven. Unfortunate Facial Hair is dismissed in a puff of smoke, and Eye Candy immediately pops up behind Smug Blond, pressing a knife blade to his chest. Eye Candy looks a lot better naked. Blah blah death threat blah blah if Smug Blond dies, the curse remains in place forever blah blah only "she" can break it. Eye Candy (a.k.a. "Christopher") refuses to relent, and Smug Blond summons another day-trading demon, who materializes with a crossbow to defend the boss. Arrow shot, target missed, target runs away. Where, off the parapet? It's not a ground-floor office, where in hell is he going to go? And then, in yet another blatant continuity error, Day-Trading Archer is replaced by Unfortunate Facial Hair for the errant-arrow reaction shot. Smug Blond issues an order, apparently to all of his shape-shifter day-trading archer minions: kill the Eye Candy by sunrise, and if they don't, they need to "kill every owl [they] see." Whatever.
Halliwell Manor. Attic. Phoebe and Piper walk in on Prue paging through the BoS. Prue's had no luck, and can't figure out why Christopher's curse is to live as an owl for only half a day, rather than the more-common curse of a full-time life as an animal. I direct her to her local Blockbuster, where I've placed a Matthew Broderick movie on hold for her. It isn't Torch Song Trilogy, either. Piper stumbles upon a page that might help her with her little root vegetable problem. Entitled "Handfasting," it reads: "Handfasting is the eternal joining of two people in Love. It is a sacred ceremony of commitment presided over by a High Priestess. Best performed at a time of sunrise or sunset where both the Sun and the Moon are present in the joining of the two Lovers." I wonder how much damage downing half a bottle of Jägermeister in one sitting will inflict on my liver. The sacrifices I make for you people. I hope you appreciate it.
Piper writes out the title of the ritual on a slate and shows it to Phoebe, who starts in with, "Oh, yeah, the Handfa --" before she's interrupted by Prue. Piper schoolmarmishly explains to her mentally-challenged younger sister, "The reason we write the bad words is so we don't say the bad words, you frigging brain-dead simp." Okay, the last bit was merely implied by her tone, but we all know she that's what she really meant. Piper then quizzes Phoebe on not mentioning the ritual earlier. Phoebe replies that because the ceremony requires an unavailable high priestess, she thought it best not to say a word about it. Besides, she notes, there's nothing in the BoS that would allow them to mask the ritual from TPTB, which is by far the most important issue facing the three, as said masking will prevent the sisters from "feeling the, um." She pauses to spell it out in chalk, then displays the slate to the others: "[U]nspeakable WRATH!!!" Oh, my, does the fun ever start?
More dull relationship chatter. Phoebe accuses Piper of being selfish at the expense of those they are meant to help, and Piper wonders if that's a such bad thing. She insists she's been through an unusual amount of pain these last two years, and if they were half as painful as this episode has been thus far, Piper will receive a small bit of my sympathy. Wait. The interminable moaning about the state of her relationship with Leo mirrored by the so-lame-it's-wheelchair-bound subplot are what's dragging this episode down, so she won't get any of my sympathy. At all. In case we had forgotten, she reminds us she's torn: she wants to "do the right thing," but she also wants to be with Leo. She shuts the BoS, and Eye Candy's discarded feather drifts to the floor. Phoebe bends to retrieve it, and as she touches it, she's thrown into a vision. Christopher, alone, in a moonlit glade, menaced by a wolf.
Tree-encircled lake. Night. Off-camera wolf, baying at the full moon. Cut to the witchy three stumbling around in the dark. Phoebe babbles they might have come upon what looks like it might be the right spot. Piper snarks that she heard that "about three hours ago." Phoebe shoots back, "If you wanted a supernatural Lo/JackTM, you came to the wrong witch." Heh. As Phoebe points out the glade from her vision, they hear a low growling, and we cut to a wolf's-eye view of the underbrush. It's tinted in yellow, for whatever that low-rent non-special effect is worth. Prue spots Christopher entering the clearing just as the wolf appears. Seems Phoebe's vision was a little off, however. The wolf moves to attack them, not Eye Candy, and forces the three Ps to the ground. Christopher calls the wolf off, and the three women rise, with Piper ready to freeze both the animal and the Eye Candy. Prue tells her to hold off for a moment, noticing the wolf is not attacking Christopher. "There's not much time, my love," Christopher croons to his vulpine companion, "someone's coming." Ew. I guess this is where those "Scorching Hot Man-On-Wolf Action!" sites spamming my e-mail account are getting their material. And how many day-traders do I know who utter phrases like "my love"? The answer, for those of you playing along at home, is "none."
The little love beasts scamper off with the Halliwells hard on their heels. Or hindpaws. Whatever. Cut to the interior of a conveniently-located shack, where Christopher and the wolf stare soulfully into each other's eyes. The three Ps gather at the window for a little voyeuristic thrill as the sun rises. The sun's rays hit the interspecies duo in the cabin, and the wolf -- surprise! Not! -- morphs into a fair, flaxen-haired young maiden. A fair, flaxen-haired young maiden with a perfect coif and delicately-applied make up. Eye Candy and his clothing morph into an owl and flap off, as the flaxen one winces in anguish, likely caused by the splinters biting into her naked ass. We cut to the three Ps, who finally get what we got a long, long time ago, and then we fade to commercial.
The wood, daytime. Flaxen Gal runs out of the shack fully-clothed, indicating, I suppose, that she and Christopher use it as their regular morph point, and keep clothes there for this purpose. The three Ps fly out after her, trying to get her to stop. Prue lies that Eye Candy wanted FlaxGal to chat with the three Ps, and more distrustful dialogue and tiresome backstory follow. Smug Blond fell in love with her, she told him to cram it, he placed the double curse, and now he's sent one of his minions to harm them. I listen to my eyes slowly glazing over. At that point, Eye Candy in owl form wings by, which FlaxGal interprets as a warning of imminent danger. A minion backflips in mid-air out of a black puff of smoke, and lands near the four women, crossbow at the ready. It's Unfortunate Facial Hair, who fires off two arrows in rapid succession -- not stopping to reload, of course, but then again, I'm no archery expert. Maybe arrows come in ammo clips now. The first slams into a tree to Phoebe's head, Piper freezes the second, and Prue TKs UFH backwards into the woods. UFH scrambles to his feet and flees while the three Ps grab FlaxGal by the hand to drag her away.
Manor, front hall. As the four women enter, Prue says, "I swear I've seen this in a movie somewhere." I somehow resist the urge to fling my laptop at the TV, and settle on plunging a Phillips head screwdriver into my ear instead. Prue leads FlaxGal to the kitchen for some grub, and Phoebe pauses on her way to do some BoS research to smooth things out with Piper. Bottom line: Phoebe apologizes for the way she feels about the situation, but she still believes Piper is wrong to go ahead with the Handfasting ritual, in spite of the love between her and Leo, because of the danger in which it might place all of them. Piper caves, admitting she knows in her heart it's wrong as well, and says she will not marry Leo unless both of her sisters agree to it.
Kitchen. B-plot backstory that serves to reinforce dull A-plot non-story. Piper, Prue, and FlaxGal ("Brooke") bond over the mess magic has made of their love lives. Cut! Brilliant! Not! What happens in the reel? Don't be surprised if I'm dragged off screaming to the snake pit if this keeps up.
Office of Demonic Day Trading. UFH attempts to pull one over on Smug Blond by presenting him with a decoy dead owl. Smug Blond is too crafty to be fooled by such a flimsy attempt, knowing that he'd have been presented with a dead human had UFH been successful. UFH pleads that Eye Candy and FlaxGal were aided by witches. Smug Blond is not having it and vanquishes UFH into a ball of fiery pain, reducing UFH to pile of ash on the carpet. I tire of typing "Smug Blond," and decide to call him Shermy. Shermy gets on the intercom, cooing, "Clean up, aisle two." Episode shot count: aw, hell. Who's keeping track at this point? Shermy summons another day trader, this one with facial hair even more unfortunate than the last. Shermy tells UFH II he's been promoted. UFH II notes the ashes of his predecessor, and manages a nervous smile. I vomit.
Shermy waves a hand over the screen on his open laptop, and the Halliwell manor appears. We enter the image, then cut to the backyard, where Brooke regales the ladies with her tale of woe. Blah blah took a job with Shermy blah blah rebuffed sexual advances blah blah cursecakes. The relevant plot point is that the curse against the two will be lifted only in one of two circumstances. Either she gives in to Shermy's desires, or they must wait for "a night within a day." She feels she's to blame, but Prue dismisses that with this week's message: "You said yes to a job, not to a man." All together now: sexual harassment is a Bad Thing, and is never the fault of the victim. Brooke and the owl share a tender moment.
I can't believe I just typed that last sentence.
Cut to the attic, where Phoebe rants to herself about curses as she flips through the pages of the BoS. An unseen force flips the pages to the Handfasting listing, and Phoebe snits out, "Okay, I asked for a --" only to be interrupted by a disembodied voice. "You asked for an answer." Phoebe recognizes the voice, and Grams materializes in a swirl of glowing golf balls. It's Veronica's mom! Hi, Mrs. Sawyer. Would you like some pâté? Rocket scientist Phoebe rushes to hug Grams, but pulls herself up short when she realizes she can do no such thing with a ghost. Phoebe asks why Grams decided to drop by, Grams replies that she knows Phoebe needs some advice on a "certain sister situation," Phoebe worries that if Grams knows about it, "they" must know about it, and Grams reassures her that she's past "them" now, and the secret of the three Ps is safe with her. Phoebe admits to her misgivings about the impending turnip, and Grams tells her not to worry. She reminds Phoebe that "the charmed ones are destined for greatness," but that she also knows that fact "won't keep a girl warm on a cold winter's night." She can still remember the loneliness from her mortal life -- despite her four marriages -- and thinks Piper might have found in Leo a remedy for that loneliness. She urges Phoebe to let Piper and Leo give it a chance. Before disappearing back into the swarm of golf balls, Grams notes that when the time is right for Piper and Leo to unite in Handfasting or any other ritual, they'll feel it. "They'll know." Phoebe gets called away by Piper as Grams disappears. I liked that scene, and the reason is not my lingering good will for Jennifer Rhodes. In one scene, they cut to the heart of the plotline without the agonizing dithering and chattering, and without the pointless and irritating subplot. Can we skip to the end, now? Please?
Dammit. Well, at least this bit has a little vanquishing action. Piper runs to the staircase, calling out for Phoebe. Right on her tail is UFH II with his crossbow. As Piper raises her arms to freeze him, UFH II quickly fires off a couple of arrows that pin her sleeves to the wall. Phoebe, yodeling as she is wont to do in crisis situations, rushes downstairs, only to be stopped by an arrow that hits the wall right in front of her nose. Prue enters, TKing UFH II into an armoire. Phoebe and Prue free Piper, who says, "He could have killed me," eliciting from Prue, "The question is, why didn't he?" UFH II emerges from the ruined armoire to sneer, "Because I don't want you, I want the bird. Where is he?" Brooke wanders in to yell, "No," giving UFH II the opportunity to take aim at her. Slow motion sequence of Eye Candy the Owl flying in, an arrow released, anguished Brooke clutching her head and dropping to her knees, and, for some reason, Phoebe glancing sideways at the action to her right. Prue coolly TKs the arrow in her hand into firing position, and sends it straight into UFH II's chest. Fiery vanquishing ensues. Hooray! The Ps hustle to Brooke's side, and I madly giggle myself into a puddle on the carpet at the sight of the actress playing Brooke gingerly picking up a fake owl with a three-foot-long arrow sticking up out of its side while she weeps and croons, "Baby. Baby." The three Ps exchange Looks of Concern as we cut to commercial.
After the break, we fade up on the shish-kebabbed owl in a towel, and I start choking with snickers. An owl in a towel with a big honkin' arrow sticking up out of its fake, feathery owl chest. Brooke cuddles the owl kebab as the sisters fret over what to do . Piper reluctantly summons Leo, who appears quickly, noting that "they" had sent him after hearing about "the bad guys." Prue tells Brooke that Leo is a Healer, but Leo notes with some disappointment that he's a healer of people, not animals. Leo tries anyway, but fails, leading to more fretting about the necessity of waiting until sunset, by which time the Owl Kebab will certainly have died. In the midst of this, the doorbell chimes, and Phoebe goes to answer it. Thank God and all of His androgynous little angels, it's Cole, come to exchange Piper's earlier purchase with his own. Phoebe instantly flings thoughts of the Owl Kebab from her tiny little mind and switches into flirt mode as Cole rather endearingly stammers his way through an explanation of why he's there. Phoebe moves to re-enter the house, but stops to prevent Cole from following. Calling the state of the house a "disaster," she asks him to wait on the porch, pops inside, and pops right back out again with his bag. Leo comes out to check on her, and Phoebe introduces him to Cole, in spite of the fact the two men met last week in the courtroom. Leo shakes Cole's hand, and leaves a glowing white residue behind. Ew. If you must indulge, Leo, it's called Kleenex. Look into it.
Cole notices the residue immediately, closes his hand to hide it, and moves to leave. Leo and Phoebe go back into the house, but not before Phoebe lingers a bit, giggling like the giddy little hard-up horndog she is. Cole smirks as soon as the door shuts and turns to head down the front walkway. He stops to wipe off his hand on a handkerchief he pulls from his pocket while he grumps, "White Lighters always were messy." I get an absolutely filthy image in my head, entertain it for far longer than I should, then pause to light a cigarette. Cole, in the midst of his cleanup, pauses to order of his shadow, "Report this!" Shadow Cole bends to retrieve the shadow shopping bag, then oozes down the front steps to disappear into a sewer grating. Cole watches it go, and I marvel at how much more interesting bits like this are when compared with the relationship crap that's comprised a majority of this episode thus far.
Cut to more of said relationship crap. Piper asks Brooke if it's all worth it, if it might not just be better to call it quits in the face of such adversity, Leo overhears this and pouts on out the front door. Piper and Leo process through their issues until they're interrupted by Phoebe, who passes on Grams's earlier message. Back to that poor, poor actress attempting to emote with the Owl Kebab. She apologizes, telling the Owl Kebab she can't let it die, and asks for forgiveness before placing the Owl Kebab on the sofa and leaving.
Cut to a shot of the beginning of the solar eclipse that was mentioned briefly in the scene before the credits. Remember how I told you all to make note of the full moon? Same beef I have here, I had with Dolores Claiborne. Solar eclipses occur during new moons only. I learned this in ninth grade. Then again, this show can't keep track of its goddamn actors from shot to shot, so what do I expect? Bah. Phoebe notes the eclipse, then makes the connection that the eclipse is the "night within a day" that will break Shermy's curse on Brooke and Christopher. Instantly proving this theory correct, we get a cry of human pain from inside the house, indicating that the Owl Kebab has morphed back to Eye Candy. Christopher tells the four that Brooke left to give Shermy what he wants, Prue reassures him the Ps will handle that situation, and Leo steps in to heal him. More repetitive discussion of plot points, and we cut to the Office of Demonic Day Trading, where Shermy is rather loudly ordering a group of demons, once again, to kill the owl. He's interrupted by Brooke, who enters, saying, "I was hoping you'd take me instead." Close up of Shermy as he arranges his face into a "my cunning plan has met with success" expression, and we go to commercial.
Office of Demonic Day Trading. Shermy's attempts at evil humor consistently fail to amuse me. I suppose this was the only element of consistency the continuity editor busied himself with this week. As Shermy prepares to move in on Brooke, she attempts to get his assurance that Christopher will not be harmed, and we cut to a shot of the eclipse reaching totality. At that moment, the three Ps enter the office building with Christopher in tow. Piper immediately freezes all of the yuppies in the hallway, and the foursome cautiously makes its way through the crowd, worried that at any moment the frozen yuppies will snap out of it. Never mind the fact that all of these people would, in the real world, be blowing off their daily duties to catch the killer total eclipse outside. Phoebe cracks wise about using their "Wonder Twins powers" to gain entrance another way, and I tell her to shut up. Piper suddenly stops dead in her tracks, announcing she has a bad feeling about everything, then changes her mind, and tells them she's actually got a very good, warm-fuzzy feeling, indicating it's centered on her chest. Phoebe guesses this is the sign Grams told them to watch for, and I prepare the paperwork for her prize nomination for the Nobel committee. Phoebe states that the time for root vegetables is now, because just as they cannot look up during an eclipse, TPTB cannot look down. We're treated to a shot of Christopher greeting this idiotic explanation with a look of utter incredulity. You and me both, Eye Candy.
The three Ps make plans to head back to the manor before Piper stops them, saying they only have enough time during the eclipse to help Brooke. Despite Christopher urging her to take care of her own problem, Piper insists, and while I'm supposed to think she's a sweetheart for sacrificing her one chance at true love in order to help another, that very thought threatens to make me violently ill, so I dismiss it. They head into Shermy's office just as he's about to seal his diabolical deal with Brooke via a kiss. I note the broad daylight streaming in through the windows, and wearily glare at the continuity crew once more. Smarmy Shermy again fails to amuse with his pithy quips, the term "true love" is uttered for the seventeenth time this episode, Christopher and Brooke move to kiss, Smarmy Shermy threatens with a crossbow, the Ps disarm him, and he's vanquished by means of flames that shoot from his heart as Christopher and Brooke mack. Is this fricking episode ever going to end?
Manor. Eclipse still in full swing. Grams, functioning as the high priestess called for in the Handfasting ritual's guidelines, tells the Ps to hurry along, as the eclipse waits for no one. Except, apparently, everyone on this goddamned show. They've had time to vanquish Smarmy Shermy, accept the gushing thanks of Eye Candy and his Bride, hustle their Wiccan asses back to the manor, change into their wedding clothes, set up an altar complete with dozens of lit candles, cobble together a bridal bouquet, and restyle their hair. The total eclipse that roared across Europe and Asia last year lasted all of two minutes in any one spot. Did Piper suddenly gain the ability to freeze the entire solar system? Oh, hell. Why do I even ask?
All that said, the ladies look good. Simple dresses, simple hair. Grams tosses a little TK the CD player's way, and "Pachelbel's Canon" plays as the Halliwells descend the stairs to a waiting Leo. They move into place for the ceremony, with Leo beaming with joy and Grams looking on in maternal love. How long do you think this bliss will last? A Kewpie doll and rubber cigar for you if you guessed, "About two seconds." Leo's face contorts, and he gasps in pain as an unseen force pummels his body, then sucks him out of the house in a blaze of blue light. Piper initially stares in disbelief, but as what happened hits her, she begins to choke on her tears and hyperventilate a bit, asking Grams what went wrong. Grams attempts to comfort the three as Piper collapses to her knees, clinging to Prue and Phoebe for support while dissolving into a series of clutching sobs. Not bad, all that. Too bad I had to wade through an hour of nearly unmitigated shit to get to it.
But, wait! There's more! Cross fade to a scene from Hell. No, really, the scene is set in Hell. A male figure stands in the center of a circle formed by the Triad. The black-eyed, hooded members of the Triad congratulate the figure on his work not only in infiltrating the Halliwells' circle without arousing suspicion, but also in providing the information on Piper's nuptials that, when shared, prevented the ceremony. "You have gained useful information on the charmed ones," one of the Triad notes, "now you must gain their trust. Others have failed." The camera cuts to Cole, looking mighty fine in basic demon black as he notes, "Others weren't me." Yeah, we all saw that coming, but thank God we're off that marriage crap. And did I mention how good he looks? Calling the wedding "child's play," Cole notes that his step is to focus his attention on Phoebe, as she's his "way in." He expositions that the Triad sent him up to figure out how to destroy the sisters, and he believes they're "well on [their] way." The Triad members smirk in approval, but Cole gives a hesitant little laugh, and looks down. Hey, Cole, you feeling nervous or guilty? Guess we'll just have to tune in week, won't we?
Speaking of week: Puree a quarter-pound of Poltergeist and fold the result into a bile-filled saucepan. Sprinkle liberally with chopped bits of Freaky Friday wackiness and hijinks. Set heat on medium, and simmer. As in me. In anger.