First off, props to the Polish Princess for giving me a crash course in the Power of Three, Owen for the numerous shorthand references I've borrowed liberally from his butt-kicking season-two recaps, and, most of all, Sars for hooking me up with this gig.
Fade up on the exterior of Halliwell Manor, every light inside ablaze. Cut to the attic, where Prue Halliwell pages urgently through the Book of Shadows. Inexplicable yet vaguely menacing shots of a variety of toys are intercut with an agitated Prue, who jumps when the cuckoo clock yodels out 2 AM. The attic door slams open, and Prue whirls her body around to send the intruder flying across the room onto a pillow-heavy sofa, which topples backwards from the impact. Oops. It's just Phoebe. Heh.
Profuse apologies as Prue helps younger sib Phoebe to her feet. "Little jumpy?" Phoebe asks, and Prue lets her know that yes, she is, "especially after finding out the Evil Triad was responsible for the attacks." Phoebe announces she doesn't need a recap (out of luck there, Feeb), but does want to know why the Manor is so cold. "Did you forget to pay the gas bill?" I'm thinking Prue just couldn't afford it after paying the electric, but what do I know? With Prue's actual response, however, we're thrown into the obligatory season-premiere backstory exposition. Seems there was a little misunderstanding between the abandoned Halliwell Ps over the division of responsibilities in middle sister Piper's absence. Phoebe expresses concern that Piper and Leo Wyatt might never return from Leo's Whitelighter land of orbed-off bliss, which Prue dismisses. Phoebe notes that not only has Piper uncharacteristically not contacted them in a month, she's also left them short one sister from the Power of Three. "So, while she's up there romping around in the clouds with Leo, we've got our wicked butts flapping around in the wind, here." Okay, I'll give that line a snicker.
Phoebe notes the two of them were lucky not to have been attacked in Piper's absence, Prue counters with her conviction that things have been quiet only because the Triad is busy cooking up something truly nasty, Phoebe complains that they're screwed without their third, and Prue expresses concern that the Powers That Be won't let Piper return because she broke too many rules. They're interrupted by a phone call, and we now enter into the set-up of the episode proper. It's Inspector Darryl Morris, calling from a rave, where he's tracking a murder suspect believed to be in league with a demon. From the fax Darryl helpfully sent over, we can see that the killer's calling card is an inverted triangle carved into the victims' foreheads. The triangle "looks like a rune" to Phoebe, as if she would know a rune if it crawled up the sleeve of her hideous orange jacket and stuck its tongue in her ear. Prue searches the BoS for the symbol as we cut to Action Darryl at the rave, in a sleeveless black shirt with a cell phone glued to his ear. He's apparently chosen to disguise himself as a dealer for this assignment, as there are few other guises that would conceal his thirty-five-year-old self in the middle of a rave. Darryl tracks the bald-headed suspect, henceforth known as Cue Ball, through the club to the back door as Prue hits the page with the rune. The symbol is an opening through which demons known as the Guardians steal an innocent's soul. Armed with this bit of info, Prue warns Darryl off the trail, telling him that the Guardians protect their human killers in exchange for souls, but Darryl refuses to take the advice. Because he's a hell of a lot more dedicated to his job than I would ever be.
Darryl follows Cue Ball out the back door to an appropriately grim-looking alley, telling Prue that he can take care of himself just as Cue Ball swings in on an overhead horizontal bar to slam his feet into Darryl's back. D'oh! If Blaine Wilson had shown such skill and dexterity, the United States might have copped a gymnastics medal. Hearing trouble over the phone, the women leap into action. On their way out, Phoebe worries that they don't know how to vanquish a Guardian, leading Prue to explain that they're offed like vampires, with a stake. Phoebe pouts to the heavens, "Piper, where are you?" and we cut back to an overhead shot of Cue Ball hovering over a prone Darryl.
Cue Ball leans in to carve the rune into Darryl's forehead with a wicked-looking dagger as an extra wanders onto the scene. She shrieks, and Cue Ball races after her to the Jarring Chords of Mortal Danger. Finding the back door to the club locked, the Susie Ecstasy extra speeds to scale the chain-link fence, grabbing tightly to the barbed wire at the top. Ouch. But that's nothing compared to the pain she's about to experience. Cue Ball yanks her down and plunges the dagger into her stomach as she pleads, "Don't hurt me." Susie Ecstasy collapses unconscious to the ground. I know this should really be creeping me out, but I've already seen the truly horrific alley-behind-a-club snuff scene in Copycat, so it doesn't.
As the two Ps fight their way through the crowd in the club, Cue Ball prepares to carve out in the alley. He looks like he's not such a bad guy, actually, but as the demons in his head won't quit it with the Latin chatter, carving it must be. The fresh rune glows orange, and the soul-sucking commences. Hers, not mine. Now that I'm watching the WB five nights a week, I think it's safe to say that mine was sucked out of me a while ago. As Susie Ecstasy's soul twines its way out of her head, Cue Ball's Guardian leans forward from his body. Guardians are circus sideshow strongmen, apparently, complete with goatees and gold earrings. He's bald as well, which makes me think lack of hair is a prerequisite for both the Guardian and the Soulmonger positions. Note to self: don't date bald men. Sucking complete, the Guardian eases back in, and Cue Ball gets a look on his face like he just shot up an eightball.
As Cue Ball moves back to the still-unconscious Darryl, the two Ps emerge into the alley, check out a very dead Susie Ecstasy briefly, then turn their attention to Cue Ball and his potential victim. Prue TKs Cue Ball onto a Dumpster, and as the two Ps lean over Darryl in concern, the Guardian rises up out of Cue Ball just like Nosferatu from the grave. Get it? Phoebe squeals, and Prue TKs a convenient bit of jagged wooden litter towards the Guardian's heart. It passes right through, and he retrieves the dagger to carve up a slice or two of fresh witch for himself. Phoebe shouts to aim the one at the rune the Guardian sports on his bad bald head, which Prue does. Non-special effects as the Guardian sparks up, erupts, and vanquishes off. Phoebe: "Okay, if Piper ever comes back, I'm going to kill her." Shut up, Phoebe.
Credits. Greasy bohunk Greg Vaughan gone, smooth-looking Australian with some serious blue eyes named Julian McMahon added. I toast this change with my vodka stinger.
Endless nighttime establishing shot of the City by the Bay. Cross-fade to the alley crime scene, where the friendly fellas from the Coroner's Unit zip Susie Ecstasy into her very own body bag, which I hope will soon be a must-have accessory for every club kid. Well, at least the club kids who hang out in the Dunkin Donuts lot on Belmont Avenue. She's wheeled away as an EMT questions Darryl about the conk on the head he received. He's fine, but his pride is wounded. The EMT congratulates Prue and Phoebe on their heroics in subduing the serial killer, and the Ps nervously attempt to deflect focus from themselves. After the EMT wanders off, Darryl tells the ladies they must remain on the scene to give witness statements, something the Ps are loath to do. They can't be identified as witnesses, they plead, as they used their powers to subdue the suspect. Darryl isn't having it, noting that they must testify as the only witnesses to the crime, or Cue Ball (a.k.a. "Emilio") will go free. As Phoebe mutters about "getting [their] lies straight" for the police, I wonder why Darryl's testimony alone wouldn't be enough for Cue Ball's arraignment. But then this episode wouldn't have a plot, right? Whatever.
We're treated to a shot of Emilio, grinning like the soul-sucking fool he is, as Prue wonders why he's still so blissful even though his Guardian has been vanquished. Phoebe bitches again about the lack of "guardian angel" Leo to help them through their latest crisis as an assistant district attorney strides over to the threesome. He introduces himself as Cole Turner as Phoebe gets a very predictable horn-dog glint in her eye. Cole asks, in an accent that wanders from Mendocino to Melbourne and back again, if either of the women saw what happened, and Phoebe immediately ditches her reservations in favor of potential nookie, shooting her hand in the air while practically shouting, "I did!" Prue rolls her eyes and sidelongs an irritated glance at Darryl. I'm with you, Prue.
Daytime shot of the courthouse exterior, and we then move indoors for a pre-arraignment confab between Cole and the two Ps. He feels they have a solid case, except for the murder weapon, which Phoebe insists on calling an "athemay" (don't slam me on the spelling -- I couldn't find this word anywhere) instead of the simpler "knife" or "dagger." Because she doesn't want anyone to know the Halliwells are witches, and the best way to do that is to substitute Wiccan terms for common ones at all times. Idiot. The dagger is missing, which Cole notes is a bit of a stumbling block for the case, but the witness testimony alone should be enough for the arraignment. Apropos of absolutely nothing, Julian McMahon is wearing a light blue tie that really brings out his eyes.
The judge enters, and as the courtroom preliminaries commence, Phoebe anxiously asks Prue if she's nervous, to which Prue replies, "Oh, you know. Witches and trials. It's that whole Salem thing." I take another swig of my vodka stinger and hope fervently the witch "jokes" get better than that. Phoebe complains that the whole situation "doesn't feel right" to her, and Prue shoots back, "Would it feel right just to let him go?" as we cut over to a menacing Emilio. Cue Ball's being charged with one count each of murder and attempted murder, and the attorneys introduce themselves to Judge William Hamilton. Who is bald. Not that they're hinting at anything there. Alan Sloane enters a plea of not guilty on behalf of his client, Cole rises to announce the state is standing by the police report and witness testimonies, and Hamilton asks Sloane if he has anything to say. Sloane brings up the missing murder weapon, and we discover the sisters weren't exactly comprehensive in their statements. Their official story is that they only saw Emilio leaning over Darryl, which places their motives for attacking Emilio in doubt. Phoebe eyerolls, adding a very loud "Oh. Puh-leeze," as Sloane calls into question the Ps' credibility. Cole objects, and I, waiting for Ben Stone to barge in and eat this joke of a defense attorney for a mid-morning snack, wonder when I started recapping Law & Order. The judge suspiciously notes that he's inclined to agree with the defense, prompting a righteous outburst from Cole which the judge dismisses along with all of the charges, freeing Emilio to the disbelief of Cole and the two Ps. Emilio gets that soul-sucking grin again as he passes Phoebe and Prue on his way out, and Cole threatens, "Keep on smiling, punk. I'm not gonna stop until I see you fry." Darryl intervenes, and as Emilio exits, Phoebe apologizes to Cole, Cole notes he thinks the sisters are withholding information, Prue steps in to apologize again, and the sisters leave the courtroom.
Manor parlor. Phoebe and Prue hash over the day's events, with Phoebe arguing they should have told the complete truth to keep Emilio behind bars and Prue countering that had they done so, the judge would have thought they were crazy and dismissed the charges anyway. But I might have missed part of their argument, as I was utterly distracted by the hideous outfits and accessories. Phoebe's in a midriff-baring white sleeveless t-shirt with a big red-rimmed gold star centered above her outthrust breasts, and Prue is wearing a large silver choker enhanced with what appears to be a dead millipede trailing down into her cleavage. They worry briefly whether the public defender is a human or a demon, but Phoebe quickly heads below the belt to her true interest. "Cole was an angel in that courtroom yesterday," Phoebe croons like an oversexed adolescent ogling Jason Behr's pecs on the cover of CosmoGirl. "Yesterday"? This timeline has become tiresome, and may not touch my monkey. Prue and Phoebe bond over the new meat in town for a moment but are interrupted by the Orb Sound, which heralds the return of Piper and Leo.
Piper and Leo flare into the room in the middle of a fight as Prue and Phoebe rise to their feet in surprise. "It's not right and it's not fair," Piper insists, and Leo replies, "But it's their rules." "Screw the rules." As Leo attempts to reason with her, Piper freezes him in frustration. She announces she's leaving for the P3 After Dark and tells the other two to keep that bit of information from Leo. As she stomps out the front door, Prue snarks, "Hi! Welcome home!" and Phoebe sputters and huffs, "I didn't even get to bitch at her!" Leo unfreezes, still yammering away, but pulls himself up short with a puzzled look on his face when he realizes Piper has left. Phoebe takes this as a cue to light into Leo for disappearing without a word, and Prue steps in, calming Phoebe down with a petting motion suitable for a zookeeper placating a surly chimpanzee. Prue, ever the practical one, sends Leo on an assignment to find out all he can on the Guardians, and Leo orbs off. Phoebe, dander still up, announces she has "issues" and moves take them out on Piper. Prue is having none of that and TKs the door shut in Phoebe's face. Phoebe whirls to pout, "You're not allowed to use an active power on me until I get an active power of my own!" Prue apologizes, but firmly insists that a cooler head is more appropriate for the situation, and reminds Phoebe that she should be in class anyway. Snicker. Prue glides past Phoebe, who places her hands on her hips and snits.
P3AD. As Prue enters, Piper emerges from the back, ranting about the disarray she returned to find, wondering how things could have crapped out so much in a day. D'oh! Prue explains with far more patience than I would have that Piper's actually been gone for a month. Piper weakly supposes time progresses differently "up there," but Prue states flatly that that doesn't prevent Piper from having her head "bitten off down here." Heh. "Demons?" wonders Piper, abashed. "Sisters," Prue menaces, and I caught the millipede bristling slightly at that. "Especially Phoebe," she adds, and clues Piper into the abandonment issues the callous Ps fretted over for four weeks. Sisterly bridge repair work as Piper explains she would have contacted them had she known of the time difference, eliciting a question from Prue about Leo: why didn't he let them know? "He was dealing with some demons of his own," Piper replies a bit sadly, then switches gears to worry herself about tonight's musical guest. Even-keeled Prue halts this line of discussion and insists on chatting about Piper's trials "up there" for a second. Piper notes everything was peaceful until the Powers That Be stomped her buzz by announcing that, unless Piper and Leo broke it off, Leo would be reassigned, and the two would never see each other again. Ack. Relationship angst. I get enough of this crap on Dawson's Creek, people. Get back to the soul-sucking and blazing demons already. Tender bonding for a moment as they hug and Prue asserts that "Leo would never let you go without a fight." "But what if he doesn't have a choice," Piper laments. A sweet little moment there, I must admit.
A sweet little moment that is completely ruined by the shot: Phoebe stomping through the sun-drenched quad like a trucker on crack in a denim-jacket-over-denim-capris ensemble featuring chunky-soled sandals. Ow. Cole, wearing the same suit and tie as "yesterday," approaches from behind and taps her on the shoulder. Phoebe's response? An immediate and completely inappropriate spin into a judo kick with her chunkily-clad foot, accompanied by an earsplitting "Hee-YA!" No wonder she never gets dates. Cole fortunately grabs onto her ankle before she can inflict any damage to his rib cage. She realizes she was about to pummel her addled brain's latest object of lust, and there's an overlong sequence of embarrassed apologies with Cole still holding her leg in the air. Of all available body parts, he compliments her calf, and she gamely asks for it back. The sparks and witty repartee are just flying here, folks. Cole has some more difficulty choosing an accent as the two of them gradually get to the point. He tracked her down because of his disappointment in court, noting that in spite of the fact the trial judge is known as "Free Willy" for his dismissals record, Cole thinks she can help him do a better job when he refiles the charges. He senses she's a good person who wants to do the right thing, but that she's having difficulty dealing with the truth. She doesn't cave entirely, and he proffers his business card -- "home number on the back" -- urging her to call if she thinks of anything. Phoebe entertains some filthy thoughts as her eyes travel down his retreating form to settle on his -- what? Ass? Feet? I can't tell, though he does appear to require a large-size shoe. As she girlishly examines the card, her hormone-enhanced daydreams are rudely interrupted by a vision of Cue Ball, clutching the dagger, leaning over an unconscious and freshly-runed Cole. "Oh, no," she squeaks. My thoughts exactly, Feeb.
Oh, look! A brand-new Adam Sandler moron-a-thon crapfest I will not wait on line to see opens in theaters I won't be patronizing on November 10th! It's like Christmas in October!
Back from the break at P3AD, Phoebe struggles down the stairs in her chunky footwear, mumbling, "I really have to get a cell phone." And sensible shoes. And taste. And a clue. She lets Prue in on the vision, leading Piper to ask, "Who's Cole? And what happened to your hair?" Ah. A chance to ruminate on Phoebe's new 'do for season three. Normally, I'd pass, but everyone's talking about Alyssa Milano going blonde this year. I just don't see it. Her hair's lightened, certainly, but my idea of a TV blonde is more along the lines of Pamela Anderson or Heather Locklear. Maybe I'm setting the bleach bar a little high here, but Ms. Milano is not blonde. Her hair is the same mousy, filthy, aggressively bland brown that first scarred my retinas by way of the singularly unappealing mop atop Adam Rich in Eight Is Enough, and was followed by various follicle disasters perpetrated upon an unsuspecting public by Tori Spelling's stylist. Anyway, Phoebe takes this opportunity to land a couple of digs at Piper's orbed-off-and-therefore-clueless expense until Prue puts a stop to it by dragging Phoebe out of the club. Prue calls back to Piper, saying they'll fill her in later, but urging her to keep an eye out for Leo, who should be back soon with Guardian-specific information. "No orbing," Phoebe adds, and Piper and I rub our temples in pain.
Courthouse. Cue Ball enters a darkened, wood-paneled office and stalks straight up to the camera lens. "I need a new Guardian." "You have to be more careful," comes the response from the figure seated in the shadows. "I won't protect you again." "I won't get caught again," Cue Ball sneers, and adds, "I can take care of the witches, Judge." Judge? As in, Judge William "Free Willy" Hamilton? Didn't see that coming, now did we? Oh, wait. We did. Free Willy leans forward into the light, matching Cue Ball sneer for sneer, to tell Emilio that the witches are out of his league, but the assistant D.A. isn't. A dagger flames into being on Free Willy's open palm, and he sends Emilio off to ensure that Cole remains permanently ignorant of the Guardians and their human associates.
Police station. Cole, who's settled into an American accent for this scene, tensely negotiates with Darryl for some more assistance in the serial killer case. Darryl stonewalls, noting that he already provided Cole with the killer, and Cole let the killer get away. Cole regrets letting Cue Ball "get away today" (today or yesterday, kids? Pick a day and run with it already), and it "doesn't sit well" with him. Darryl eases off for a moment, then throws up another wall when Cole suggests he knows more than he's letting on. "What you're missing is a suspect," Darryl snarks, "and if you just let me do my job, I'll help you find him. Again." Cole switches tactics, asking Darryl why he called the Halliwells at two in the morning while he was on stakeout duty. Darryl feebly explains that the Ps own a nightclub, and he thought they'd like to check out the rave. Cole joins me in not buying this, but their little pissing contest is interrupted by Phoebe, calling from Prue's car. Phoebe tries to get Cole to stay put at the station, but there's a bad connection, and Cole tells her he'll call her back from his car. His car? Uh oh.
Station garage. Conveniently unpopulated in the middle of the day. Cole strides through as Emilio lurks in the shadows. Cole senses something amiss, and stops to look behind him as Emilio scuttles around the side to ambush Cole from the front. Damn, that Mr. McMahon has some nice eyes. Reassured there's no one behind him, Cole smirks at his own paranoia, and continues on to his car. As Cole moves to unlock the door, Emilio lurches out from behind a pillar, clubs Cole on the back of his head with the handle of the dagger, then flips the unconscious body over on the garage floor. The Latin-chanting demons whisper in Emilio's head as we switch to a descending spiral shot from above of Emilio brandishing the dagger over a prone Cole. That's not what I'd be doing with a prone Cole, but then again, I'm not in the employ of a cabal of soul-sucking demons. I think. ["Oh, you new writers. So naïve." -- Sars]
Just as we're about to be treated to some more runing, Prue's car swings into the garage, Prue clearly gunning for Cue Ball. After Emilio dives out of the way, the car swerves to a halt, and Phoebe and Prue leap out, ready for action. No, not that kind of action. Kicking-demon-ass action, you pervs. Phoebe prepares to jujitsu Emilio's butt as Prue rushes to protect Cole. Phoebe leaps to give Emilio a little taste of chunky sandal served raw, but what's this? She keeps ascending ceilingward, flying up about ten feet off the ground, where she then hovers and makes some startled blonde hooting noises. Emilio, distracted by the grunts and howls from the airborne Phoebe, doesn't see Prue's quick TK slap coming, and she hurls him across the garage onto another car. As he crumples unconscious on the hood, Phoebe whoops and yodels some more as she drops like a bag of rocks to the ground. "An active power," she guesses, but I don't see how you can call "hovering in the air and flapping your arms while howling like a constipated barn owl" either "active" or a "power." Just then, Nosferatu pops up for a return engagement over the disabled Emilio, and Prue telekinetically flings the discarded dagger right into his rune. Another one bites the ball of witchy flame. Demon ass successfully vanquished, the two turn their attention to the reawakening Cole. He wonders what happened, and Phoebe playfully pleads the Fifth. That little minx.
Manor. Night. Piper strides through an upper hallway and overhears Marcy Sternfeld reciting a couple of self-affirmations to herself in the bathroom. Oh, my bad. It's Leo. To the Straining of the Saccharine Strings, Leo rehearses a little love speech he wants to lay on Piper. At one point, he calls her his raison d'être. There's a reason I dropped French: my pronunciation sucked as hard back then as Leo's is sucking now. Piper pops open the door to the bathroom, and the Straining strangles to a much-welcomed halt. Piper wants to know who Leo was talking to, Leo mumbles a mortified and lame excuse, Piper snorts in disbelief, Leo promises to explain downstairs, and Piper tells him to can it, as they don't have the time for that at the moment. She asks what he learned of the Guardians, and he sheepishly allows he learned nothing. "I, uh, forgot." Piper, incredulous: "You forgot?" Piper digs in to him, wanting to know what the deal is with his erratic behavior of late. He again tries to get the two of them out of the bathroom, and Piper again refuses. Leo, stammering and stuttering along rather sweetly, determines, "Okay, here is good, I guess," and tells Piper he's been thinking a lot about their situation. He thinks he's come up with a way around their problem, a way for the two of them to be together "no matter what 'They' say." He drops to one knee on the tiled bathroom floor as Piper bugs her eyes out in disbelief. Gently cupping her left hand in both of his, he looks up at her and asks, "Will you marry me?" The tender guitar in the background is rudely shoved out of the way by a sliding chord indicative of the floor dropping out from beneath her feet as Piper gapes and we fade to a commercial.
Manor stairwell. Piper races downstairs with Leo hot on her heels. "This is so not happening," she states. Leo insists he's sincere, and Piper shoots back, "So is that why you proposed to me in a toilet?" Leo reminds her he wanted to have this conversation in the manor parlor, to which she notes that they're downstairs now, and she still doesn't believe him. She turns her heel on him and storms back through the house as he tags behind her, babbling out an explanation. For a heaven-sent angel so old and experienced, he's acting an awful lot like a flannel-clad puppy-dog frat boy from hell. The gist is, if they enter into a "Holy Union" though a secret marriage, they may evade the restrictions placed on their relationship. He calls this approach an "end run" around his bosses in the celestial hierarchy, adding that he thinks "They" won't be able to attack this approach. Piper and I have some serious reservations about this, and she voices one of mine by asking about the so-called "secret" marriage, wondering if "They" aren't listening in on the entire debate. Leo assures her that "They" don't do things like that, but she still hesitates. "Marriage shouldn't be a solution to a problem or a Band-Aid," she states. Marriage "is supposed be about love and about two people who love each other so much, they want to spend the rest of their lives together." So much for this week's cheap sentiment. Leo persists, reminding Piper that she saw their future as a married couple ("Morality Bites," where they actually had a future as a divorced couple, if I read the recap correctly), and that his plan could be the solution that leads them to that point. Piper tears up as she explains that a secret marriage doesn't feel holy at all, and a heartbroken Leo gets a little misty as well. She apologizes to him, but she just can't go through with it.
Prue and Phoebe burst in through the front door, cutting short the marriage talk and forcing Piper and Leo to get ahold of themselves quickly. Prue asks if Leo found out anything about the Guardians, and Leo mutters, "No. Not yet," as he struggles to stem his tears. Piper looks down and, visibly upset, walks away from the group. Leo says he'll leave to get the information they need and orbs out as Prue and Phoebe gawp at each other, wondering what the hell they walked in on.
Cue Ball in police custody. Cole enters the moodily dark interrogation room and asks Darryl if Emilio has talked. When Darryl answers in the negative, Cole straps his bitch on, leading Darryl to warn against doing anything that would jeopardize the case. Cole snits, "What case? He's already gotten away with murder. You really think they're gonna nail him for hitting me over the head?" Probably not, given the ridiculous way the legal system works on this show. Cole attempts to negotiate a deal, pointing out to Emilio that his protector won't keep protecting him if he keeps screwing up. Cole tells Cue Ball to pass along a message to his "friend." He knows the "friend" sent Cue Ball after him, and promises a showdown. Emilio sneers, "You don't scare me." Cole responds by slamming Emilio's head to the desk, then tossing him back up, his fingers tight in a death pinch on Emilio's trachea. "You have no idea who you're dealing with," Cole hisses through clenched teeth, as Darryl leaps in to break it up. Emilio jumps to his feet in surprise and not a little bit of fear as Cole strides out of the room with a blithe, "See you in court."
Manor. Piper's boudoir. She indulges in self-pity on the bed; Prue and Phoebe enter to perk her up. Apparently, part of their perk-up plan involves Phoebe's head propped on Piper's ass. They discuss Leo's marriage proposal, and the word "destiny" is cheapened and abused on yet another WB melodrama. Leo orbs in to tell them what they and the rest of us already know about the Guardians and their human colleagues. Leo suggests an "evil conspiracy" in the courtroom, and after the four chew on and spit out the possibility that it's being run by the public defender, they zero in on Free Willy the Judge as their prime suspect. Phoebe announces that if they have to cobble together a vanquishing plan, they'd better do it quickly, as Emilio is scheduled to be arraigned in night court in an hour. Prue, as usual, has a plan.
Courthouse. Night. I'm not going to insert a gratuitous Night Court joke here, as that eight-year nightmare should be forgotten immediately. Though how cool would it be to see John Larroquette go up in flames? Like, in real life? Anyway, as the four walk down the hallway to the courtroom, Prue explains the scheme: Piper will freeze the innocents in the courtroom; the person left moving will be the ringleader they vanquish. Piper doubts that she'll be able to selectively freeze people based on their status as innocents, as she's never done that before, leading Phoebe to perk, "Well, I've never levitated before." Leo looks lost. Prue exhorts Piper to focus all of her energy on freezing the good guys, and they head into the chamber.
The arraignment hearing is in progress, with Sloane asserting the prosecution is pursuing a vendetta against his client, Cue Ball. He calls it a "witch hunt," and I think that's supposed to elicit a laugh from me, but all I end up doing is swigging again from my trusty vodka stinger. I can't even muster a "Like, ha ha. Not" for that one. Cole, noting the entrance of the three Ps and Leo, asks if he can take a moment to confer with his witnesses, a request the judge turns down immediately. As Cole and Sloane back-and-forth about motive and evidence or the lack thereof of both, Prue and Phoebe urge Piper to start freezing. An irritated Piper growls, "All right!" and flings her hands open. Her first attempt fails, as Sloane's drone continues. She gives an "oh, well" shrug, which Prue smacks down by leaning in and hissing, "Try it again!" Piper glares, and fires off another try, which freezes Cole in mid-objection, as well as Leo and Darryl. Before Phoebe can blurt out, "It worked," the judge bangs down his gavel, stating, "Overruled." The three Ps start counting off the evil ones in the courtroom: the judge, the P.D., the bailiff, the defendant, the guards, even the court stenographer. As the judge rises from his seat, the camera swings in to an extreme close-up of his face as he orders the human demon cohort to "kill them." The Ps squeal and run from the room just as the P.D. pulls a gun from his pocket and aims for them. Free Willy's face morphs forward into a grinning purple hellhound death mask as we cut away to more commercials.
Piper, Prue, and Phoebe hustle into a side room, slamming and locking the door behind them. As the courtroom mob attempts to break the door down, the Ps frantically run through their options. Piper can't freeze the remaining evil ones, as once immunity from the power is conferred, it's there for good. Phoebe demands Prue come up with a mass vanquishing spell, as she's the one of the three who's been studying the BoS the most, and Prue whines, "Why are you picking on me?" Hee. Free Willy, morphed back into his regular bald self, starts flinging fireballs at the locked door from inside the courtroom. The Ps whine. Prue pulls it together and declares, "The best defense is a good offense," and asks the other two if they're ready. They claim they're not, but Prue forges ahead. "On the count of three. One. Two. Don't hold my hand, Phoebe."
"Three." Action sequence. A somewhat confusing action sequence. I'll break it down P-by-P: Prue forcefully TKs the doors open, scattering the conspirators who had clustered in front of them. Prue takes on the P.D. first, rendering him unconscious by flinging him into the jury box. She then tangles with the two guards, pummeling them around a bit, then pulling a Xenia Onatopp on one of them, twisting his neck around and hurling him to the floor. During all of this, the judge lobs a couple of fireballs her way, which she handily deflects, one to the bench, the other right back at him, which he dodges. Phoebe, meanwhile, has her hands full with the tag-team of the bailiff and the stenographer. Important bit: after knocking down the bailiff, Phoebe throws a kick at StenoGal, who grabs Phoebe's leg and attempts to flip her onto her back on the floor. Instead, Phoebe's new power kicks in, and she levitates up into a backflip, settling on a high shelf. From there, she gives StenoGal a taste of sandal rubber, cocking her cold to the floor. She lets out a delighted little "Hee!" and jumps down. It's left to Piper to shut down Cue Ball, which she does though her surprisingly adept manipulation of a nightstick.
That last bit sounded dirty, didn't it?
The Ps gather together for a brief celebration of girl power, but Piper wonders why, if these were all demons, they didn't try for any power plays. Just then, Free Willy bellows, "Come to me!" and black shadows emerge from each unconscious form to follow Willy into his chambers. The gals clue into the fact that the Guardians were just protecting a collection of human hosts. As they scamper to chase Willy and the Guardians, Cole alone unfreezes and, in the most unspecial effect of the episode, squiggles out, leaving a still wooden Leo and Darryl alone in the courtroom. Cole squiggles into Willy's chambers just as the judge storms into the room. "What the hell?" Willy asks, and Cole suavely acknowledges this with a "Thanks. I'll take it from here." Cole extends his right hand as if for a shake, but instead sends Willy into a screaming, flaming world of hurt. Cole gazes at the demon immolation for a moment, then squiggles on out back to the courtroom, where he reassumes his prior frozen position.
Back in Judge Willy's Bar-B-Q, the Ps enter just in time to see him flame out, and puzzle over who or what sent the judge on his merrily burning way back to hell. They rush back out into the courtroom to prevent Cole from unfreezing and questioning the carnage. Phoebe's brilliant plan involves beating him over the head with a discarded nightstick. Piper unfreezes Leo and Darryl as Phoebe channels Doris Day in Pillow Talk to comfort Cole. "Oh, my darling. Are you having another nightmare?" Okay, she actually just asks if he's okay. "Um, I think so," he murmurs, gingerly touching his head. "What happened?" The lame excuse they come up with? Cue Ball went berserk, and Darryl saved the day. Cole gives them all the incredulous stink-eye, and Phoebe perks, "Something good happened. Can't you just accept that?" "It's not my nature," Cole replies, and gets to his feet. Hopefully to head to Bay General Hospital for an MRI.
P3AD, and this week's musical guest, the Barenaked Ladies. Before you all angrily insist they're just "Barenaked Ladies" as the Eurythmics were just "Eurythmics," a moment for me: I don't care. The band performs. The extras bounce around. I stifle a yawn.
Prue and Phoebe saunter up to Piper at the bar for the weekly summation. Prue, from what I can see of her, looks pretty damn good in a sequined dress that is either gold or champagne (sorry, I need to clean the heads on the VCR). Pretty damn good, that is, except for her neckwear, which is another choker-type contrivance in keeping with this week's insect accessory theme. She has three or four dead cockroaches dangling from her neck from the look of things. Phoebe has settled on a black number which, in combination with her hairstyle (which looked a lot better on Popular's Sara Rue a week ago) makes her look like one of the faux-seventies swirling-skank skater-whores in Robbie Williams's "Rock D.J." video. Piper? Concealing tops are the way to go for you, sweetpea. That strappy blue tube pinches you up front in a most unflattering manner. Anyway, Phoebe marvels that Piper was able to land the Barenaked Ladies after a mere two days back on earth, and apologizes for screwing up the club in Piper's absence. Piper insists it is she who should apologize, and thanks the other two for keeping things going. Phoebe claims she really didn't notice Piper was gone, to which Prue shoots a "liar." Discussion re: Lying Is a Bad Thing, and Phoebe states that she's happy she can stop fibbing to Cole. Prue allows that something tells her Cole "isn't going anywhere anytime soon," and as Julian McMahon made the opening credit sequence, I'm inclined to agree. Then I remember Karis Paige Bryant from season two, and decide to wait a couple of episodes before firming up an opinion.
They segue into a discussion of the Leo situation, and conveniently enough Leo pops into the club at that moment and starts moving down the stairs. More pointless shots of the band as Piper moves over to Leo. Long story short, the close call in the courtroom the evening led her to reconsider his proposal, and she agrees to marry him. They kiss, and you know what? I don't care. At all.
up on Charmed: Phoebe throws Cole over for a naked owl. Really.