Hey, boozers! Wait for the re-run this summer (on either Sunday or Thursday night) and empty your glass every time any character voices a variation on the phrase "move on." Then call in sick to work the day so you can recover. Regardless of broadcast date, you'll have a three-day weekend.
Halliwell Manor. Parlor. Piper "Boring Between Two Lovers" Halliwell, in black slacks, black apron top, and sad-making crimped hair, is walking around the room, lighting a Pottery Barn's entire inventory of candles, arranging vases of freshly cut flowers, and adjusting the volume on a WB Records sham-teuse who's caterwauling on the stereo. Either it's Piper's turn to host one of Oprah's book clubs or she's setting the stage to get it on with the world's most sensitive heterosexual male. Just then Prue "Daddy's Brittle Girl" Halliwell struts into the room in jeans, a ruffled camisole top and a cowhide (ew!) hairband. She's just developed some photos and wants her sister's opinion. Prue takes in the scene, grasps the obvious, and wonders aloud if Piper's expecting company. Piper gets her bitch on and explains that she's supposed to have the house to herself because Leo's coming over. She tells Prue that Phoebe already kindly vacated the premises to study for finals at the university. Prue should have seen where Piper "put [notice] on the kitchen calendar way in advance." Prue: "The kitchen calendar? Like I'd notice that! I just go in there to eat the food you prepare for Pheebs and me." Actually, Prue says she thought the big date was the night. Piper fumes. Prue presses her luck and asks Piper to look at the photos anyway. Piper: "Make it fast."
Prue gives extra-quick exposition about No. magazine sending her out to "capture faces" in the city (an assignment that has BUSY WORK stamped all over it, in my opinion) so Prue went to "the Haight, " i.e. the Haight-Ashbury District, I suppose, to take photos. Because Prue's a talented, innovative photographer the way that the perpetrator of this show's San Francisco establishing shots is a gifted, trend-setting videographer. Anyway, there's a middle-aged man wearing a trenchcoat in each of Prue's photographs. Piper doesn't think this is a big deal. Prue: "You don't understand. He was just hanging out!" Piper tells Prue that she shouldn't have used up all of her film snapping patrons outside of an adult movie theater. Actually, Prue explains that Trenchcoat Man looks "sad and determined" in the photos, and he's handing out fliers. Just then, Leo "Heaven-weight Champion" orbs in. Piper goes all David Spade, urging Prue, "Okay, buh-bye!" Prue explains that she'll be in the basement, developing film all night, very quietly. She hugs Piper goodnight and reminds her, "No sex without safe sex." Yeah, this from the gal who did it on a dirt floor with her escaped convict/kidnapper. Piper makes a whatever face along with Owen. Before Prue leaves, Piper reminds her that she's left a birthday card for their father on the kitchen table for Prue to sign, if she wants. Prue: "I don't." Prue says hey to Leo and leaves. Piper wonders aloud, "That's weird. Why wouldn't she want to sign the card?"
Sidebar. Two things. Hmm. Yet another plot on this show featuring a HALLMARK CARD. More fodder for shout-out speculation. And Piper's query about Prue's ambivalence toward Pére Halliwell is either a) the character being ironic, since she knows very well about the chip on Prue's shoulder, or b) some sort of recognition about the lack of continuity from episode to episode on this series. Y'all make the call.
So Leo shuts Piper up with a very loud lipsmack. Then Piper reminds him that Prue's just one floor below. So he orbs them both upstairs to the bedroom. All the Redbook-suggested ambiance Piper prepared weeps from neglect.
University. Library. Phoebe "Joel Osment" Halliwell sits at a study table alone, using an incredibly squeaky highlighter, then chomping loudly on some potato chips from her handbag. She tries to do this all secretively although she's sitting in the middle of an open room and in full view of everyone. Her feeble attempts at comedy in this scene are mitigated by her decision to wear the foxy black "Margaret Yang from Rushmore" eyeglass frames that we've seen in prior episodes. A blonde girl at the study table looks over at Pheebs crunching away. (When I first saw this episode, I'd just watched Popular's "Blondes vs. Browns" wigstravaganza, so I didn't notice how fake-looking this girl's hair is. On second viewing, it definitely looks like a wig. A wig, in fact, that Tammy Wynette slept in and mushed against the tour bus window before rousing herself and performing a 1974 concert.) Phoebe apologizes for the noise. Blonde holds up her own bag of chips and Phoebe realizes that they're both blonde in spirit, if not hair color. So Phoebe says loudly, "Hi! I'm PHOEBE!" Blonde recognizes her, because they met when they "carpooled" and took "Metaphysics 301" together. Phoebe remembers that Blonde's dad was the professor of the class. Blonde admits, angrily, that she got a "C" in his course.
Sidebar. Okay. Phoebe's only been back in college in San Francisco for the past few months. I'm assuming that she's on the semester system, since everyone's making a big deal about her finals this episode. So wouldn't she instantly recognize the professor's daughter from a course they just took together, especially if they carpooled together to the university? THE HELL? Also, Phoebe in a 300-level class? I don't think so. Wasn't she in a 101 class in the Valentine's Day episode? (Yeah, I know, some underclassmen take higher-level courses early in their stint at college. But they're usually really bright. And we're talking about Phoebe here.) And if the course really was this past spring semester, then Pheebs and Blonde just took their final for the course, so it's surprising that Blonde already knows her final grade, especially since she's on strained terms with her professor dad. Whew. Whatever!
Anyway, Blonde badmouths her dad for while, then vows that he'll come to admire her once the thesis she's preparing is published. Just when I'm about to admonish Blonde for airing her dirty family laundry, she warns Phoebe, "Run, quick! Before I start to tell you about my mother." Phoebe admits that she likes talking instead of studying and asks Blonde what her thesis is about. Blonde: "The existence of demons in our world." She's been researching it for five years, and finally has proof. Phoebe gets visibly uncomfortable and starts gathering her study materials to make a getaway, while blathering oh-so-suspiciously, "Really LATE! GOTTA GO! Nice talking to YOU! TAKE CARE! See you AROUND!" She books out of there. Blonde gets up from the table, in her faded 501s, yellow stretched-to-maximum-industrial-fabric-standards wife-beater and cropped hooded unzipped jacket, and goes to the bookshelves. As a chorus of monks moaning in Latin starts up on the soundtrack, Blonde wanders around the stacks. She chooses a book called "Encyclopedia of Demons" and takes it off the shelf. A guy with a curly, Flock-of-Seagulls-ish hairstyle appears in the opening on the shelf. Blonde jumps. She notes that he "scared" her. The guy says, "Wait." He morphs his head and torso through the bookshelf towards Blonde, and pulls her into the shelf and his dimension. The bookshelf vortex closes up behind her.
Credits. So, Morrissey, when are you gonna play the P3AD? Huh? Huh?
Sarah Michelle Gellar holds up this make-up stick that's roughly half the size of her head, and tells us to buy it because it works three ways: "dabs" on, "glides" on, and "finishes" smooth. How stupid does she think we are? It's just a big friggin' face crayon.
The establishing footage are in fast-forward this week, so we can have more filler shots of the Goo Goo Dolls performing at the end of the show. Halliwell Manor. Day. Bathroom. The shower is running and the room is all steamy. Prue bursts in the door in a tank top and boxers, blathering to Piper about her thoughts on Trenchcoat Man keeping her up "all night." She tells Piper she's going back to "the Haight" to stalk TM; can Piper feed the cat? (Continuity Alert! Mention of Mrs. Bigglesworth.) Then she wipes some condensation off the mirror so she can watch her fabulous self brush her huge Scrabble-tile caps with a disinfected toilet brush. Actually, it's a normal-sized toothbrush and it's not really Piper in the shower, because her sister walks into the bathroom and asks Prue what she's doing in there. Just then, the shower stops and Leo pulls back the curtain. Prue appraises his naked body for several seconds until he puts on the towel Piper throws at him. Prue, or rather Prue-vert (tm funkyD): "Nice orbs!" Piper shepherds an agog Prue out of the bathroom, reminding her that she's a "sicko." Owen unclutches his pearls.
Kitchen. Phoebe's asleep, slumped forward on a textbook with her glasses askew. But her lip gloss, needless to say, is perfection. Piper and Leo enter and wake Pheebs up. She freaks when she looks at the clock and thinks she missed her finals. Piper tells her to relax because her test is tomorrow, then berates Phoebe for pulling "another all-nighter." Pheebs reminds her sister that if she doesn't "ace" the final, she'll flunk out of school, due to all of the "demon-hunting interruptions" this semester. She's going to change clothes and head to the library to study. Before she leaves, she asks Leo if mortals can prove demons exist. Leo: "I dunno. Maybe. If anyone did, no one would find out anyway. Evil doesn't want anyone to know. It has a system to cover its tracks, protect its identity. That's why the demons disappear when you guys vanquish them." Huh. And all along, I thought they were just copying the "dusted" staked vampires on Buffy or trying not to warp the young minds of the Goosebumps crowd who might be watching. Phoebe replies okay, and starts to leave the room. Piper reminds her about the birthday card she bought for Pére Halliwell. She holds it up for Pheebs to sign. Phoebe shrugs, refuses, and leaves, reasoning, "He never sends me one." Piper admits to Leo that Pheebs is right. Maybe she's just being a "glutton for punishment." Leo tells Piper that she "never gives up hope," and "never gave up on us." (HUH? Nice revisionist history of her treatment of you earlier this season, Leo.) Piper asks Leo if he was close to his father. Leo tells her that his past is "another lifetime -- literally." Piper says she has an appointment, but makes plans to meet him at the club and buy him lunch. Leo thanks her, because "White Lighter pay sucks."
Street. Prue's subplot. She's wearing an out-of-character, loose-fitting white shift under a jeans jacket as she greets Trenchcoat Man and offers him her card as a representative of No. magazine. She wants to take his picture. He gives her a flier instead, and some exposition about his daughter who was murdered at the very bus stop at which he's sitting and how he's trying to bring her killer to justice. Prue realizes, "That's why you were here all day yesterday." Hey -- how lazy is Prue? "The Haight," as she calls it, is not just one city block. Perhaps she should have walked around a bit while she took the photos? Anyway, Trenchcoat Man is trying to find a witness to his daughter's slaying. Prue offers the help of her "detective friend." TG says he knows who the murderer is, and looks across the street to a mean-looking, goatee-sporting guy standing in front of a pawnshop. TG tells Prue, "Everyone knows he did it. Trouble is, they're just afraid to talk."
P3AD. Bam! Pow! Zap! Wham! Biff! Buffy! Jody! Sissy! Mr. French! The scene begins right in the middle of a major smackdown between Leo and Dan "There Goes the Neighbor/Hood" Gordon. As Dan tackles Leo and throws him against the wall, Piper walks in and is aghast at her assigned subplot. She shrieks and freezes the two, leaving Dan's fist inches away from Leo's face. She selectively unfreezes Leo, as she mutters, "Okay, you first." Heh. She asks him "what the hell" is going on here, and what Leo did to provoke Dan. Leo tells Piper that Dan just entered the club and started punching. Piper: "There had to be a reason." Leo: "Losing you isn't enough of a reason?" And THAT little comment should be enough to end the Leo vs. Dan worthiness debate, in my opinion. Aw. Piper tells Leo to "assume the position" in front of Dan's fist, so she can unfreeze him. Leo balks, because Dan's about to "clock" him. Piper makes him stand against the wall anyway. When she unfreezes Dan, Leo turns quickly to the side, and Dan's hand hits the wall. HA HA! Dan sees Piper and wonders where she came from. Piper, obviously wearing her Gestapo boots today, declares, "I will be the one asking the questions." Dan refuses to tell her what the fight was about. He bolts. Leo hears his heavenly chime. Piper: "No, you don't. They can wait." Obviously heaven can't wait, because Leo orbs out as we hear Dan slam the nightclub door shut. Piper is pissed off.
University. Campus crime scene. Phoebe's subplot. Cops, paramedics and reporters mill about outside around a body on the ground, covered in a white sheet. Pheebs walks by and spots Darryl "Pity Patrol" Morris. She calls him over to her, because she's one of the lazy Ps. Darryl: "Don't tell me. Demons, right? Or is it warlocks this time?" Phoebe: "Contrary to popular belief, not every crime in this city is demonically related or Halliwell-related, for that matter." Hey! Not even crimes against the theater arts? Phoebe explains that she was on her way to the library, and thought she'd gawk. What happened? Darryl tells her that a college student was decapitated and her body was dumped there. Phoebe asks for the identity of the victim, and realizes that the murdered co-ed is her library friend, Blonde.
Library. Phoebe puts her books and bag on the same study table as earlier. She's wearing red pants, a Laura Ashley-ish floral print jeans jacket, and her less-sexy wire-rim frames today. Blonde appears at the other study table, and greets Pheebs. Blonde rubs her neck and asks Phoebe for some aspirin, because she has "a splitting headache." I guess this is some sort of gruesome joke, but I'm taking this comment -- yet another mention of analgesics on this show -- as a pseudo shout-out to the recaps. Anyway, Phoebe is freaking. She tells Blonde, "You're supposed to be . . ." Blonde asks, "What?" as a library menial pushes a cart full of books through her apparition. We will now call her Casper Blonde. She repeats, "Be what?" Phoebe gapes.
I like that M&M commercial with the tarty-looking candy getting cat-calls while she walks down the sidewalk. Especially since she's green, because everybody learned in grade school that the green ones make you horny. ["I like the double meaning in the comment she makes at the end of the spot: 'Buy a bag!'" -- Sars]
P3AD. Piper's working a push broom, cleaning up yet another mess the other characters left behind (natch). In her other hand, she's using a cell phone to leave "another message" for Dan. She tells the person on the line, "Oh, HE KNOWS what this is about." Then Phoebe lopes into the club. Piper tells Phoebe that Leo and Dan are both dodging her. Phoebe gets exposition on the fight. In exchange, Piper gets exposition on Casper Blonde. Piper admits that Phoebe's subplot "tops" hers. Phoebe blathers some more about Casper Blonde not realizing that she's dead. Piper calls it denial. Phoebe bitches and moans about her need to study, then baby voices to Piper, "Maybee oo cood hep mee owt wi thi wan, 'n ayull tayk the nex too goeths, 'kay?" Piper reminds Pheebs "how this works"; since Casper Blonde came to her, she has to provide the assistance. Phoebe will probably need to help CB receive justice for her murder so she can "move on." (Continuity Alert! Piper's reference is to the "Dead Man Dating" ep.) Phoebe whines that she thinks a demon killed CB. Piper, "Oh, so you pawn this one off on me!" Word -- way to tell off that lazy P. Phoebe assures Piper that she would have filled her sister in on the demon "sooner or later." Then she whines out some more exposition about CB's thesis proving the existence of demons. Piper tells Pheebs to find out what the proof is, but first she needs to tell CB that she's dead. Phoebe: "How do you tell someone their life is over?" The sisters are stumped.
Police precinct. Prue accosts Darryl about the current status of the investigation into Trenchcoat Man's daughter's murder. Darryl admits that the police are pretty sure that they know who did it, but they can't prove it. He suggests that Prue convince TM to "move on" with his life. Prue says that TM can't, because his daughter was his life. Darryl says that they either need a witness to the murder, or a confession from the killer to close the case. Prue must have gotten an idea from that statement, because she just stomps purposefully away without saying bye.
P3AD. Outside. Piper is adding the labels "LIVE" and "THIS SATURDAY" to a huge Goo Goo Dolls CD promotional poster. Dan pulls up in his SUV. Piper crosses her arms and gives him the stink-eye. Dan tries to give Piper grief about all the messages she left, but all I notice is Dan's greasier-than-usual hairdo; he's just a cowlick away from being Alfalfa. Piper cuts to the chase and asks him to explain why he started the fight with Leo. Dan: "This is very awkward for me." Oh, BOO HOO. He adds, "I don't want to come across as a jealous ex." Then perhaps he should stop STALKING Piper and BEATING UP her current beau? Just a suggestion. Then he blathers about how his relative at the State Department dug up more dirt on Leo from his WWII Army records. He hands Piper a folder, warning, "Leo isn't who he says he is." Yeah, and the kettle ain't black, Mr. I'm-No-Jealous-Ex. As he leaves, Dan reminds her, "You know, I'm still here for you." The look on Piper's face reveals that she's discerned the threat implied in that statement. Honey, put down the folder and pick up a copy of The Gift of Fear to read instead. Now!
Street. Prue's car. She's parked in front of Trenchcoat Man's bus-stop bench, watching him forlornly hand out fliers. Piper expositions to her on the cell phone about finding out that Leo had a wife named Lillian back in the 1940s before he died. She's wondering if Leo is still in love with her, so she's done "some research," found out Lillian's still alive, and wants to "chat" with her. (THE HELL? Lillian lives in San Francisco? Convenient, hmm?) Prue tells Piper that a chat with Lillian is "not a good idea." What does Prue think is a good idea? For Prue to chat with Pawnshop Guy, the alleged murderer of Trenchcoat Man's daughter. Why? Because Prue's a buttinsky with two hundred and six hypocritical bones in her body.
Pawnshop. Prue struts in. Pawnshop Guy barks at her, "We're closed." Prue gets her bitch on and tells him, "You don't scare me." PG: "Well, then, you're stupid. Stupid people don't last long in this neighborhood." Who knew "the Haight" was such a crime-ridden no-man's land? ["Yeah, really. It's not exactly Bed-Stuy." -- Sars] PG asks Prue if she's a reporter or if she's working with the DA; he saw her talking with Trenchcoat Man. Prue harshes on him for "living off of other people's pain" and adds, "I just hope it doesn't come back to haunt you." As she stomps out, she touches her finger to the side of her nose and causes an accordion to fall down and hit PG. PG glares at her. Prue exchanges a Meaningful Look with Trenchcoat Man across the street.
University. Library. Phoebe walks up to Blonde's study table, where her notes and books and bag are miraculously still strewn about from the night before. Casper Blonde appears. Phoebe's startled. A stereotypical grim, silence-demanding librarian gives Pheebs a stern look. From Librarian's point of view, Phoebe is talking to herself, asking dead air, "How are you feeling?" Casper Blonde says her headache's gone, but she still feels weird in general. Librarian glares. Phoebe moves the conversation with CB to the stacks. Phoebe: "The reason you feel weird . . . is . . . you're a ghost." CB: "Excuse me?" This is Phoebe's cue to break the news to CB even louder and more stridently: "You have to ACCEPT IT. When was the last time you ATE SOMETHING or were HUNGRY for that matter?" The irony of that question being asked of an actress on an Aaron Spelling show, or on the WB network for that matter, is not lost on me. CB stands there all fish-eyed. Phoebe: "I think a demon KILLED YOU! THAT'S WHAT I AM. TRYING. TO. SAY." CB blanches. Phoebe thankfully takes it down a notch, and explains that the only reason she can see CB is because she's a witch. Phoebe wants to help CB. CB: "You're the one who needs help, not me." Phoebe asks CB to try to pick a book from the shelves; "neophyte ghosts can't channel their anger into moving material objects." CB walks over to a shelf, but turns away before she attempts to lift up a volume. She wails: "This is ridiculous! I'm not dead! I have my whole life ahead of me! I will finish my thesis and get it published!" She runs off. Phoebe follows, but stops to leaf through CB's thesis notebook. She has a B&W psychic vision of a demon with a sickle swinging it toward Pheebs's head. Phoebe grabs her throat and gasps in fright. Librarian shoots silence beams at her.
Damn. I missed that "Something About May Tuna" episode of Seventh Heaven.
Halliwell Manor. Sunroom. Phoebe sits on the wicker, holding the Book of Shadows upright and open in front of her face. What the? Didn't she get glasses already? Why is she doing this? Prue walks in, wondering what Pheebs is doing with the BoS. Phoebe expositions to Prue about Casper Blonde, and about the premonition Pheebs just had that implies that she will be beheaded . She's found out that the murderous demon is called "Libris." Creatures of his type lurk in places like libraries or musty basements (where there's the potential for humans to find unequivocal proof of demon existence), so I guess they're kind of the silverfish of demons. Also, the actresses in this episode are choosing to rhyme "Libris" with the product Febreze, and it's really working my nerves. Prue, even more of a hypocrite this week, tells Phoebe to stop trying to help Casper Blonde so Pheebs won't be in danger. Phoebe, to her credit, says that she can't; she believes she must help CB get justice for her murder so she can "move on." Then Pheebs asks Prue how her day has been. Prue: "Better, once I find the truth spell." She expositions about her do-gooding with Trenchcoat Man, and how she wants to use the spell on Pawnshop Guy to make him confess. Pheebs warns her that the Halliwells can't use their powers to "punish the guilty." (Continuity Alert! Again! Allusion to "Morality Bites" ep.) Prue tries to justify her actions by explaining that she's been "drawn in" by Trenchcoat Man's plight. Phoebe leans forward and goes into psychologist mode. Pheebs: "Why were you drawn in?" Prue: "By the look on his face, his pain." Pheebs: "The pain of a father's loss?" Prue: "Maybe." Then Prue has a breakthrough in which she realizes that she's been projecting her feelings of abandonment by Pére Halliwell onto her relationship with Trenchcoat Man. She adds, "I just keep bumping up against the theory that if it hurt [Pére Halliwell] so much [to abandon the Ps], where is he?" Prue gets all conflicted and weepy. Phoebe hands her a box of tissue, praises Prue's progress, reminds her of their standing appointment at three o'clock every Thursday, and offers to validate her parking.
Just then, Casper Blonde wafts through the stained glass windows and greets the lazy Ps. She's realized that Pheebs was right about her non-living status. CB went home and found her parents (even her father) crying over her death. Casper Blonde: "I got pissed! If a demon did this to me, I want to get him! I want to prove he doesn't exist anymore!" Prue asks Pheebs if this is her "friend from the library." Pheebs, rather callously, "Yeah, the DEAD ONE." Not to mention how rude it is to talk about someone in the third person when they're floating there in the same room. Shut up, Phoebe.
Apartment house. Piper's having tea with Lillian, Leo's elderly widow. This actress is so fine in this small role that I wondered where she was when they were casting for Aunt Gail in the "How to Make a Quilt Out of Americans" ep. Lillian informs Piper that Leo was studying to be a doctor before he fought and was killed in WWII. They both note his "marvelous touch." Then Lillian tells Piper that the ghost of Leo visited her one night. He was bathed in a white light and urged Lillian to "move on" and not expect him to come back into her life because now he's "immortal" and "in good with God" and has a "hard-bodied, gorgeous twentysomething trophy girlfriend with supernatural powers." Actually, the visitation appeared shortly after his death in the 1940s, and he told Lillian that "another love" was waiting for her. So she married a doctor and had children. Now she even has a great-grandchild. Piper thanks Lillian and gets up to go, because she "got what [she] came for."
Halliwell Manor. Night. Parlor. Casper Blonde expositions about getting grabbed by Libris. She doesn't remember what happened after she was pulled into the bookshelf. Prue: "He must have taken her somewhere else to, you know [makes a cutting motion across her neck]." CB stares at Prue, appalled. That's it. The lazy Ps are NOW OFFICIALLY the callous Ps. Take note. Pheebs reiterates their need to "find him, and catch him." Phoebe offers to go to the library and retrace CB's steps. The hard Ps will follow to protect Phoebe with their active powers. Prue pooh-poohs this as "too risky." Phoebe offers Prue, "You help me with my demon, and I'll help you with yours." Man, they're selfish; they're family but this all has to be quid pro quo. Whatever! Just then, Piper walks into the foyer. The callous Ps and Casper Blonde usher her out the door with them as they head to the university. Pipers wonders what's the big and asks who CB is. Phoebe rather heartlessly replies, once again, "My DEAD friend!"
University. Library. Casper Blonde shows Pheebs her notes. Then Phoebe and CB head to the scene of CB's abduction in the stacks. The hard Ps follow. Phoebe slowly reaches for "The Encyclopedia of Demons" on the shelf. She grabs it, but nothing happens. CB thinks that maybe "demons can see ghosts," and therefore Libris is avoiding the trap set by CB. But suddenly Libris morphs forward and pulls Phoebe headfirst into the bookshelf vortex. CB jumps in also. Phoebe is thrown into a storeroom. Libris makes a sickle appear in his hand, and swings it toward Phoebe's head. Casper Blonde channels her rage well enough (or has been spending her free time re-watching the "Patrick Swayze getting training" scenes from Ghost) that she's able to grab the sickle before it lops off Phoebe's noggin and all of the air escapes. Back at the bookshelf, the hard Ps try to figure out where Pheebs went. Piper hears shrieks coming from the basement air vent. She books downstairs. Prue slumps forward. Astral Prue appears in the storeroom and Hallmarks, Demon hide your evil face/ Libris die and leave no trace. The demon disappears as his sickle clanks onto the floor. Phoebe thanks god for Casper Blonde being "a quick study." CB thinks "justice has been served" and stands there, waiting to go Into the Light. Phoebe tells her to "take care." CB's still standing there. She wonders why it's "not working." Phoebe shouts, "I HAVE NO IDEA!" and looks perturbed.
Trailers, tornadoes, Ashley Judd holding a Big Gulp, Sally Field in blowsy fried blonde hair, Natalie Portman in Wal-Mart maternity wear and an empathy pad. Those sharp pains? Coming from Where the Heart Is. An ambulance speeds towards Owen's apartment.
Halliwell Manor. Kitchen. Piper and Phoebe argue over why Casper Blonde isn't playing a harp by now. Just then, CB floats into the room and startles the Halliwells. Prue praises CB's floating. Phoebe calls her a "quick study" again. CB wonders if Libris wasn't really vanquished. Piper agrees, suggesting, "Maybe we didn't really vanquish him, like we did the demon of illusion." (Continuity Alert! "Chick Flick" nod. Hello, writers! Keep coming back to the forums for suggestions to improve the show!) Phoebe protests, because the vanquishing spell was written in the BoS specifically for Libris. Besides, Prue notes, "He left his sickle behind." CB wails, "DAMNIT!" and pushes some plates off the counter onto the floor. She apologizes. An anvil, er, one of Trenchcoat Man's fliers floats down on top of the dish debris. Prue: "That's it! Maybe she has to get justice for someone else!" Gee, ya think?
Pawnshop. The owner sees a flier that's been slipped under the door and throws it in the trash. Then he puts the "OPEN" sign out and turns on the lights. Just then, Casper Blonde walks through (literally) the door, and gets her bitch on. She turns the locks, and flips the sign to "CLOSED." Then she starts strumming a guitar for some specialized Jewel-type torture, so the freaked-out Pawnshop Guy shoots at the floating instrument. Then CB types out Trenchcoat Man's daughter's name on a type writer. As he loses it, CB pushes PG down to the floor and stuffs the flier in his mouth. She moans, "I'm the woman you murdered!" (Which, incidentally is a big ol' lie.) PG doesn't realize this, though, and jumps through the glass of the door onto the sidewalk in slow motion. CB threatens to haunt him "every minute" of the rest of his life until he confesses. Just as the Halliwells strut up in overcoats (in May, in California), PG shouts, "I killed her! I killed Trenchcoat Man's daughter!" Darryl walks up. Prue, in her "Buffy on patrol"-ish ensemble of watchman's cap, pigtails and faux-leopard print coat, asks Darryl if he "got that." He did. PG is arrested and carried off. Trenchcoat Man snarls at him, "I hope you rot in hell." PG wonders aloud, "What is this?" Phoebe: "Justice." Piper: "What's the matter? Seen a ghost?" Owen: "Hey, docile Ps, lay off him: that's a pretty viable inquiry about any plot development on this series." Darryl walks up to the Ps and asks what "this" has to do with Blonde's murder. Prue: "It's a contriva -- er, cosmic thing, don't worry about it." Darryl walks away. Trenchcoat Man thanks the Halliwells effusively. He walks away, past the apparition of Casper Blonde. CB: "Even if I couldn't please my own father, at least I pleased someone else's." Prue: "I know what you mean." The Ps' thoughts join together telepathically, screaming "NOW THANK US, NOW THANK US, NOW THANK US." But a heavenly choir starts up, and Casper Blonde disappears in a golden light without saying thanks or goodbye or anything. Wench! She'll get hers.
P3AD. They've brought out the shot of crowds streaming into the nightclub again, because I guess a lot of people want to slow down and catch the train-wreck that is this career-ending appearance of the Goo Goo Dolls at this lame-ass club. Cut to the lead singer of the GGD, still looking like he cut his own hair with a razorblade during a windstorm, who's blathering this inane song that seems to have only one lyric, "Broadway's dark tonight," repeated ad nauseam. Extras writhe around, pleased to earn some cash and enjoy the air-conditioning. Speaking of cold air on "High," Phoebe enters the club and jiggles up the hard Ps in a blue sausage-casing dress that shows off her, ahem, high beams. She breaks the news that she "aced" her final. But her experience with Casper Blonde helped her gain some "perspective" on what's important in life. She holds up Pére Halliwell's Hallmark card and tells Piper that she signed it, "just in case he thinks of us too." Piper hands the card to Prue. To her credit, Prue still refuses to sign it, explaining that PH will probably never be the same type of father as Trenchcoat Man; she realizes Pére Halliwell isn't "eventually going to change." Phoebe pets Prue's head in sympathy. Piper spots Leo walking into the club and excuses herself to greet him, going the long way around Phoebe's front side so as not to get impaled on her nipples. She wonders how he got past the bouncer, since he probably couldn't afford the cover on White Lighter pay. He explains that he didn't tell the doorman that he wasn't employed at the club anymore. Piper: "Like you sort of didn't tell me you were married?" Leo gapes, and explains that it blah blah another lifetime yada yada not upset her blather. Piper: "You can't not tell me stuff because you think it might hurt. You need to be honest, in order for us to have as normal-as-possible of a relationship." I could've done without the double negative, but WORD, Piper. Will Piper forgive him? Piper tells Leo she'll "think about it." They smile at each other. Then the last twenty-three minutes of the show consist of many canted angles of the Goo Goo Dolls playing, many choruses of the lyric "Broadway's dark tonight," and Owen curled in a fetal position around the toilet with a moist washcloth in his hand. The final shot is the patented framing of all three Charmed actresses lined up in front of the WB Records Spotlight Artist of the Week, attempting to give their seal of approval by getting their groove on. Owen rouses himself long enough to see Shannen bang her head around a little, causing enough heaving and lurching to send him away from the TV set again. End.