Halliwell Manor. Night. Parlor. Prue "Bra Libre" Halliwell leans over the back of the sofa and frames a shot of Piper "Boo(t) Hoo Hoo" Halliwell with her camera. Piper's holding a cup of tea and wearing a mousy pink cardigan (natch) and a fretful look as she stares out the window at Gordon Manor. Prue looks at the image in the viewer of her so up-to-date digital camera and declares that she'll call the photo "Woman Pretending Not to Look Out the Window." Because, you know, if one plants a pretentious, completely self-explanatory title on a piece of work, it's instantly elevated to art. Not. Piper holds up her cup, walks over to her sister and suggests another photo, "Girl About to Pour Hot Tea Over Sister's Head." Hee. Piper appraises her image in the viewer: "Either I'm that transparent or you're that good." Way to continue to be non-committal about assessing Prue's talent, Piper! You're so crafty. Prue decides not to comment, since the "hot liquid" is over her head. Piper explains that "watching Dan come home alone" has given her "a severe case of the guilts." Then she blathers about what a "nice guy" he is. Then Prue expositions about how Piper broke up with Dan. Then Owen comes back from putting his clothes in the dryer. Piper's still moaning about Dan, and how he "got the short end of the stick." Prue: "There are so many ways that I can go with that." (Actually there's only one way, Prue, and it leads to the gutter, where I'll join you to titter over that allusion to Dan's penis size.) Piper thanks her sister for not doing so. Then Prue expositions some more about Dan being "the past" and how Piper's "future is in town tonight for dinner and a movie." Piper expositions some more about Leo and their wishes to be a normal couple. Owen returns from adding a forgotten fabric-softener sheet to the dryer. Piper heads out of the room to prepare for their date.
Cut to Prue on the sofa, and we get a full view of her ensemble: a skimpy white camisole top paired with tight psychedelic black-and-blue patterned pedal-pushers. Ew. Just then Phoebe "Matinee Idle" Halliwell enters. She's sporting a red satin jacket, baggy jeans with red patches, two and a half pounds of red lip gloss, and a messenger bag strapped across her chest. She greets Piper as "Doody." Piper calls Phoebe "Doody" also. An inexplicable in-joke, but I laughed anyway. This ep is starting off well. Can it be sustained? Phoebe plops herself down on an armchair and beams. Prue notes that she's "in a good mood. What's his name?" (Because Halliwells know their personal happiness is measured in relation to the men in their lives, natch.) Phoebe: "Billy." Prue's face falls and she wails, "Phoebe! You didn't! You saw Kill It Before It Dies at the revival house, didn't you?" Phoebe tries to LIE but finally admits that's exactly where she was. She considers it "research." Prue gapes in disbelief that a college class would involve watching B-movies. (It's called Liberal Arts, honey. Ask your barista or cab driver or MBTV Recapper. They'll tell you all about the courses that were required for their majors.) Phoebe explains that it was personal research, because she wants to "figure out what [she] wants in a guy." She adds, "So I'll start with the first guy I fell for [sic]. Billy -- the ideal man." Prue notes that he's just a character in a movie -- "a movie you weren't even supposed to watch." Phoebe: "When I was twelve! I think after a year and a half of battling monsters, I can watch a scary movie." Okay. So although she looks to be in her mid-twenties, I guess Phoebe is supposed to be thirteen and a half years old in this episode. As y'all know, the Halliwell ages fluctuate from show to show, so it's good to know where things stand tonight. Prue continues to look cross and judgmental anyway. Phoebe blathers some more about Billy being "the perfect man." The doorbell rings. Surprise! Phoebe gets off the hot seat to answer it. Prue yells, "Who is it?"
Cut to a wide shot framing Prue on the sofa in the parlor. We see a Phoebe dummy (yeah, I know, redundant much?) thrown through the air and across the foyer in the background. HA HA! Prue bolts up. A guy in a black trenchcoat, eye-circles, ponytail, and goatee stomps into the manor. He calls Phoebe "you miserable witch!" Prue gets her bitch on, quips about him "not having anything nice to say" and flings him telekinetically against the grandfather clock, smashing it to bits. Blackie mutters, "And then there were two," and books out the front door. Phoebe whines "ow" cubed. Prue asks if she's okay. Before Pheebs can answer, Prue grabs her sister and a cream-colored cardigan and they run out the door in pursuit. Phoebe is no longer wearing her messenger bag. Cut to Piper, now in a pink bathrobe, on the stairs. She ponders, "Alright, who took my loo --" She notices the carnage in the foyer. "-- fah," she completes. Piper gapes. HA HA! Again. What is going on this week?
Street. The (not-so) lazy Ps see Blackie running into the revival movie theater, and run after him. Continuity Error Alert: Phoebe suddenly has that messenger bag on again. If they were so careful to show Prue grabbing the cardigan before they left the house, why didn't they catch this? Anyway, this is a quibble.
Inside the theater. The audience area looks deserted. On the screen, a B&W fifties horror flick is playing. A girl in a poodle skirt stands on a foggy forest set and calls for "Billy." Prue and Phoebe walk down the aisle. Prue bitches loudly about the ticket-taker making them pay to enter. Heh. The continuity editor seems to be doing some work tonight. A sole, bespectacled Movie Geek shushes the lazy Ps, because "this is [his] favorite part." Phoebe beams and exclaims, "Oh! Me too! This is where Billy comes on and --" Prue clutches Phoebe back to her side and reality. She asks Pheebs to come up with an ad-hoc vanquishing spell. Cut to Blackie trying pitifully to sneak down a row of seats at the front of the theater. Prue complains that "he's making a break for it." Phoebe offers this extemporaneous Hallmark Moment: Evil that has traveled near/ I call on you to disappear/ Elementals, hear my call/ Remove this creature from these walls. Cut to the Book of Shadows back at Halliwell Manor, weeping from neglect. I would love to see an upcoming episode where the BoS somehow gets out of the house and goes on a vengeful tear, and the Ps have to admit that they've been taking the tome for granted. Anyway, Phoebe's spell does the trick; Blackie disappears in a puff of smoke. Movie Geek thinks this is "the coolest thing [he's] ever seen." Owen thinks that's the saddest thing he's ever heard, and is flooded with pity for the Harry Knowleses of this world. Phoebe explains to MG that it's "all part of the show." Then she expresses her worry to Prue that the vanquishing was "too easy." But Prue gets all complacent: "Well, we're getting too tough for these guys." Hmm. Looks like somebody's gonna pay for their hubris, no? Cut to Phoebe in rapture at the events on the movie screen. A guy in a white letterman's sweater, black slacks, and penny loafers, presumably Billy, is holding hands and walking away with Poodle Skirt Girl. Prue grabs Phoebe and leads her out of the theater while covering her sister's eyes. Step BACK, Prue. Cut to the movie screen. Blackie appears in close-up, glaring at the departing lazy Ps.
Credits. Sure, there's Wicca on this show. If you mean the furniture in the sunroom that leaves little red welts on the actresses' behinds. Speaking of ass-chafing -- Greg Vaughan's still on the cast roster. All together now: WHY????
Pepsi One commercial. This newly-skinny former sumo wrestler Oriental Guy tells a Sassy Black Woman, "You funny lady." Two cultural stereotypes. But only one calorie!
Caterwauling. Establishing shots. San Fran at night. I see that Mark David Chapman, the guy famous for being cast as John Lennon in a made-for-TV movie and then fired because he ironically has the same name as the Beatle's assassin, is playing Blackie the demon. Halliwell Manor. Foyer. The sisters are all holding brooms and cleaning up the mess from the pre-credits smackdown. Isn't it rude that the lazy Ps aren't insisting that Piper get ready for her date instead of sweeping up debris? Isn't it rude that when Piper asks what Blackie's "deal" was, all she gets is a lame quip from Phoebe about him just being a guy who "enjoys killing witches in his spare time"? Piper explains that "when a demon makes a house call [her] curiosity gets piqued." Prue notes that the house is "a mess again." Then she lamely quips herself about the desire to fight the "demon of cleanliness" or "that really big bald guy, Mr. Clean -- [she] could so totally take him on." For one thing, why would they want to fight a being that promotes cleanliness when they're bitching so much about messes? And doesn't Piper do all the housework drudgery? So what in the hell is Prue bitching about? And I think the Mr. Clean reference was regarding the actor who played the Black Lighter in "Murphy's Luck," so this was yet another in-joke. Moving on. Piper adds that she "doesn't get the order of things. Don't we usually start someplace dark and dreary, then it's back to the manor for the big ol' vanquish?" BWA HA HA! It seems that the characters (and the writers behind them) are letting us know that they're as fully aware of the weekly plot mechanics as we are. I don't know if this is a shout-out, but it's certainly self-referential. Then Phoebe remembers that she recognized the demon from the movie theater, and he must have followed her home. Piper still wants to know more about the demon's motives before she can forget about the incident. Prue changes the subject to how Phoebe knew what verses would get rid of the guy. Phoebe says she just put together one vanquishing spell with another. Yeah -- they're all equally vanilla and trite; I can see how it worked. Piper praises Phoebe and wishes all of their demon-fighting could go so smoothly. Then Prue picks up the answering machine and plays back a message with a time code. Piper realizes that she's terribly late for her date. She runs upstairs to get dressed, assuring her sisters, "I'll help when I come back!" Man, what a martyr. A little housework wouldn't kill the lazy Ps. But doesn't that sound like a good storyline for some fan-fic?
Restaurant. Leo "Sometimes" Wyatt sits there in a coat and tie, looking bored while stirring his cocktail. Piper comes running up to his table. She's wearing her hair in a sleek chignon and a pretty slate-blue satin sheath with floral accents under a dressy black cardigan (natch). Piper asks Leo how the date's "going so far." Leo beams and tells her "it just got better." Piper sits down, thankfully slips off the cardigan, and apologizes for being tardy. They hold hands and Piper tells her beau about the sitch earlier at the manor. Then she stops, because she remembers their "promise" not to talk about "work" on the date. Leo reminds her that she's "the one who wanted to make tonight magic-free." Piper suggests they start over. They mack across the table. Then the waiter brings the appetizer Leo ordered. It looks just like the Fancy Feast in crystal goblets that Lauren Bacall shills in the commercials. I instantly think, a) ew! and b) where the hell has Mrs. Bigglesworth been lately? Although Piper hasn't even tasted it and cat food probably contains a lot of sodium anyway, she asks Leo for some salt. Leo turns around and asks to borrow the salt from the table. EW AGAIN! Dan "Get! Leave! Go!"rdon turns his overly-pomaded head around and Piper and Leo see that he's there having dinner with a blonde extra. Piper grits her teeth and says, "Hi, Dan. And Dan's date." Dan introduces "Amelia." But there's something about Amelia; Piper remembers her as "someone-[Dan]-just-works-with Amelia." Amelia grins when Piper says this. Let Dan keep this catty, competitive chick; he deserves her. Dan looks embarrassed. He passes Piper the salt. Piper grits out a sarcastic "thanks." The couples turn their attention back to their respective tables. Leo notes that "at least Dan isn't pining away." Piper makes a funny, ugly stink face and salts her Fancy Feast violently. An accordion player starts up near their table; this is too much for Piper. She freezes the tableau and throws a little fit. (Yeah, I know, Dan is so not worth it and Piper's reactions are implying that she still has some feelings for him. But Holly Marie's acting in this scene made it completely pleasurable.) After wondering aloud if she's being "tested" by a higher power -- most likely the Angry God of Contrivance -- she selectively unfreezes Leo and proposes a toast between the two of them for their "first real date." Ruh roh! Leo's pager is set on Heavenly Chime; it goes off. Piper rationalizes that this is "the same as dating a doctor." She moans that she wanted the night to be "perfect." Leo assures her that it was. Before he can blue-light off, she unfreezes the entire room and insists on a kiss goodnight. After Leo orbs off, Piper looks at the back of Dan's greasy head. He turns to glance at her. Piper hollers, "CHECK!" Hee.
No. magazine. Photo Editor is walking down the hallway with Prue, while blathering on his cell phone. He's assigning a menial to cover a "fight" that broke out in a movie theater, noting, "THAT'S THE LOCATION WHERE YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN FIFTEEN MINUTES AGO!" and hanging up the phone without saying goodbye. Prue starts to inquire about the theater incident, but thinks better of it. Wise move -- Photo Ed is such an asshole. Just steer clear of him. They reach PE's office and he gives her an assignment: to shoot "Finlay Beck." Prue's eyes pop. PE: "Do you know him?" He gestures to research material on Finlay that's scattered all over his desk. Prue picks up the guy's biography and expositions that she's followed his career since forever and idolizes him because he's not only "gifted" but "seems so giving and warm." And we all know where this subplot is going -- an address on the corner of Feet Of Clay Parkway and Big Letdown Boulevard. But I digress. The man himself storms into the office, bitching loudly at some lackeys. He has the effrontery (thank god) to demand of Photo Ed, "Can we get started already? I'm on a schedule." Prue beams at him and introduces herself while stuttering and showering him with praise. It's pretty cool to see her fawning and insecure side for change. Finlay Beck narrows his eyes and sizes Prue up: "You're twelve!" (Which she very well might be, considering the lack of attention to Halliwell ages noted earlier.) Prue assures him, "Oh, I'm good!" But Finlay immediately starts harshing on Prue for intending to shoot him in digital: "Oh, no, no. Not now. Not tomorrow. Not ever. Digital is for amateurs. Careful, your true colors are showing. Make yourself useful and get me some tea." Prue gapes at him. I do too. What's with the brittle, fey bon mots? Did I accidentally switch the channel over to Frasier?
Halliwell Manor. Kitchen. Piper looks really pretty in a white sweater and her hair loose around her shoulders. She's making toast, because she can't remember last season when she actually had chef's training. Phoebe enters, wearing yet another messenger bag, jeans, and a baby tee that strains the words "Miami High Mermaids" tightly across her chest. She asks rhetorically, "What's up with guys?" Piper has no response. Phoebe blathers about a still-born lunch date she just had with "a guy from lab -- totally melatonin boy." Piper: "That bad?" Phoebe elaborates that she was "trying desperately not to fall asleep," because I guess the writers weren't sure that the viewing audience knew what melatonin is. Pheebs adds that she kept "thinking about yesterday." Piper brings up her worry about the mysterious demon again. But -- get this -- Phoebe's really obsessing about Billy from the B-movie. She wants a guy like that "to exist in [her] reality." Just then, Leo orbs in. He kisses Piper, who rather cruelly rubs her relationship with "one of the good guys" in Phoebe's face. But Leo's "here to talk about bad guys." He came to "warn" the Charmed Ones. Piper goes all self-referential again: "Let me guess. Fill in the blank. It's the demon of --" Leo: "Illusion. He uses magic to create violence in society. They told me that he's here to make San Francisco his treat." Who are "they"? And can "they" write scripts for this show full time? That comment was terribly pithy. Leo then describes the illusion demon. Phoebe assures Leo that the lazy Ps vanquished him the night before. Leo asks if they're sure; if the vanquishing really took, "they" wouldn't have sent him. Piper sides with Leo, believing that the demon is still around. Phoebe suggests that Piper call Prue while Pheebs consults the BoS. Then they'll all make a trip to the revival theater.
Revival movie theater. The Halliwells strut down the aisle. On screen, Poodle Skirt Girl calls out for "Billy." Piper: "Now what?" Phoebe: "Last time we saw the demon, we vanquished him on row six." Prue sees Blackie in B&W close-up on the movie screen, and notes, "Now he's in act three." Heh. Blackie cackles at them, "Actually, I was just leaving. I should have known that the disappearing demon routine wouldn't fool you for long." Prue says all he did was "piss [them] off." She tries to telekinnect with him, but nothing happens. Blackie: "Silly Wiccan! Tricks are for kids!" Hee. Piper tries to freeze him. Nothing happens. Blackie hisses: "This is the world of illusion. The movie world is my reality. Your powers, like mine, cannot cross between the two."
Sidebar. If this is true, then Blackie's confrontation with Phoebe earlier makes no sense at all. Somehow he knew she was a witch, yet he followed her home anyway, knowing all the while that he didn't have powers in this reality. Why? Or maybe he followed Pheebs home thinking she was easy mortal prey, then "sensed" Pheebs was a witch when she answered the door. But then again, I guess he did have powers in our reality, because he flung her twenty feet through the air. Which is it, writers? Anyway, the lines are funny.
Just then, Billy runs up on-screen, calling out for Poodle Skirt Girl. Phoebe looks at him with awe. Billy confronts Blackie, harshing on him for "causing trouble." Blackie tells him to shut up. Phoebe: "HEY!" Billy notices Pheebs in the audience. Phoebe is amazed; he seems to be looking right at her. Billy smiles and says, "Hi." Phoebe greets him back. Prue reminds her that they're not at the movies for "a love connection" but to "kick some ass." Blackie: "Any idea how you'll do that? Or are you just going to [here he flicks his tongue around like a dinner-theater Hannibal Lecter] flirt me to death like your little tarty sister?" HA HA! Billy tells Blackie to "watch [his] language around the ladies." Blackie: "Is it the word 'sister' that bothered you? How about 'bitch'?" (Possible shout-out here, for obvious reasons; if the line had included any variation of "get one's bitch on," I would have known definitively.) The Ps all look very cross. Billy tackles Blackie angrily and they both tumble off the screen into the seating area of the theater. Piper tells Prue to "step in." She telekine-kicks Blackie's ass across the room. He flees out the exit. Cut to Billy standing there in B&W. He smiles at the Ps. Phoebe beams back at him.
Blahswell. That's still on the air?
Halliwell Manor. Attic. Prue, in a barely-there red tank top with a peek-a-boo cleavage cut-out between her breasts, jiggles over to a table with the BoS. She wants to find out how to "get rid" of Billy. Billy stands over to the side in B&W, asking plaintively, "Is there a point in this scene where someone explains my part to me?" Piper tells Pheebs to fill Billy in on the big, since she's the one who "brought a fictional character back for a play date." Heh. Phoebe, now wearing a completely new pair of black-framed eyeglasses, tells Billy that he's "in reality" now. Leo elaborates that the Halliwell sisters are "the good guys." Prue reiterates what the Ps know so far about the illusion demon, and wonders aloud what he wants. Piper fills her in on Leo's info about Blackie's desire to spread violence in society. Leo doesn't know the "how part," though. Billy starts to explain what he knows about the illusion demon, then suddenly wonders, "Where's the music in the second act that we talk over to build suspense and hide the exposition? Don't you just hate exposition?" HA HA! Phoebe cocks her eyebrow and agrees, "Don't even get me started." (Possible shout-out again, for obvious reasons.) Prue brings Billy back on topic. Billy tells the Ps that when Blackie shows up on screen during his movie the crowd starts to get agitated. Leo thinks that the demon must cast a spell on the audience while they're watching the film. Phoebe remembers that Blackie was in, not at, the movie she saw the night before. The gang figures out that Blackie goes into different movies to work the audiences up to a murderous frenzy; he probably chooses horror flicks since the audiences are predisposed to violence. (Owen, a long-time horror movie fan and pacifist, protests this notion vehemently.) The hard Ps and Leo get up to check out the local theaters. Phoebe lags behind to call Morris and fill him in. Prue suggests that Pheebs "do something" with Billy. What does she mean? Prue: "Add Technicolor to him." Pheebs smiles at Billy. Billy smiles back. We all know where this is headed.
Foyer. Prue jiggles towards the ringing cell phone. It's Finlay Beck. She makes excuses not to meet him while Piper helps her on with her coat. Prue realizes that Finlay's calling from just outside her front door. The hard Ps and Leo try to be quiet and pretend no one's home. Finlay: "It's a little late, don't you think? I can see you moving." Heh. Prue lets him in. He stomps past her, demanding to see her darkroom. Piper queries, "Finlay?" Prue, exasperated: "My hero." Piper and Leo leave without her. Prue, flummoxed, stands in the foyer with her hands on her hips. Finlay: "Don't mind me. I'm just wandering through your house." Hee! Finlay and Blackie keep trying to best each other as the Paul Lynde of this episode. To my pleasure.
Cineplex. The theater's crowded. On-screen, a blonde in heels and a mini-dress is running in fear from a hatchet-wielding madman. As he bludgeons her to death, Blackie appears at his side, offering to take him "to a place where the movie never ends" and he "can kill for real." The audience makes confused murmurs. Blackie sends some "hush" dust off-screen so he can talk with Hatchet Man. If Blackie frees HM, HM has to kill the Halliwells sisters in exchange. HM agrees, and steps off-screen with his axe and walks toward the exit. Then Blackie casts a spell on the audience to make them go all soccer fan on each other. Blackie watches gleefully.
Halliwell Manor. Attic. Phoebe blathers to Billy about her favorite parts of Kill It Before It Dies while she finishes covering up his face with base makeup. She's almost done except for a spot on his forehead that's really too bluish-grey to match his B&W appearance earlier. Whatever! She stops prattling when she realizes that Billy's "lived" the movie already. Billy tells her that he "likes to hear what she thinks." Phoebe male-bashes back: "Don't say that, because every girl will know you're not for real." He smiles. Phoebe thanks him for making her "feel like a kid again." Um, again? Phoebe meta-states: "Even with that ridiculous dialogue and that predictable story, it's just, you make your character seem really real." (Which seems to be another reflexive statement about the actresses in relation to this show.) Billy confesses that he "is the lines." He doesn't exist beyond the movie plot. Phoebe tells him he does now. Billy tells Phoebe that he thinks she's "swell." She thanks him, and beams. Then Billy expresses his excitement, because now he has "options in this world" like Pheebs. Phoebe agrees, "You're in my world now." Then, unfortunately, she baby-voices, "Wha duh oo wanna doo?" Billy takes Phoebe's glasses off her face and they kiss. Pheebs wastes no time in sticking her tongue down chaste Billy's throat. They pull away for some reaction shots. Billy's mouth has lost its make-up and is now blue again. (Didn't the WB have some of the grey tin-man makeup that was used on Stephen Collins during the season premiere of Seventh Heaven left over? Because it would have been perfect on Billy instead of this blue crap.) The phone rings. Phoebe answers it. It's Detective "Truth or" Darryl Morris. He thanks Pheebs for calling earlier with a "heads-up" and expositions about a big riot at the cineplex resulting in injuries and one casualty. Then Phoebe calls Piper to let her know "we found our demon."
Basement. Darkroom. Prue offers the prints she's developing to Finlay to take home and peruse at his convenience. Finlay snarls: "Maybe you'd like to be quiet while I see if I can save these things." Prue gapes. Just then, Phoebe calls for her: "I really need to demon-strate something for you." Heh. Pheebs sticks her head in the darkroom and adds that Prue's help is needed "to fix the thing." Heh again. Prue says she'll be there. Finlay continues to make more prissy demands about the development of a particular print. Prue is taken aback by his rudeness. Finlay: "Want me to hold your hand this time?" Prue, pushed to her limit, flicks on the lights and the warm-up mechanism on her bitch. Finlay harshes some more: "I figured out what's wrong with your photos, Miss Halliwell. Absolutely no depth." Prue lets him have it: "Would that be the technique or the subject?" Finlay: "Excuse me?" Prue: "I wish I could." She elaborates how much she's admired his work, but "the brilliance of your eye is completely destroyed by the ignorance of your mouth." Um, 'ignorant mouth'? The hell? Anyway, Prue's rage is expressed adequately enough for Finlay to glare at her. Then a piece of film that Prue left under a light suddenly flames up. Finlay: "That's the thing about art, Miss Halliwell. Leave a subject under the light too long, they burn." He snits up the basement stairs in a huff. Prue grabs her digital cam and calls out to him. Finlay pauses and gives her a three-quarter profile stink-eye. Prue snaps one last photo and thanks him. Shucks! Prue's hopes at getting a provocative candid of the guy have been completely dashed! How will this possibly play out?
Another cineplex. On-screen, some sorority or slumber party girls shriek and run away from a pasty white knife-wielding Morticia Addams woman who comes at them through some French doors. Cut to Leo and Piper entering the audience area. They stand in the back of the theater and see Blackie walk onscreen. He throws agitation mist on the audience and they begin to brawl. Piper notices that neither she nor Leo is affected and chalks it up to a "magic perk." Blackie wails on L&P for talking during the movie. He sends the slasher woman, named Bloody Mary, out of the movie to kill them. Piper tries to freeze Bloody Mary, but she keeps advancing. L&P book out of there.
Some teen girls going "out of control" while shopping for summer fashions at Wal-Mart. Until they're taken down with tranquilizer darts.
Halliwell Manor. Basement. Darkroom. Hatchet Man is swinging his axe at Prue. She tries to show him the telekinetic hand, but it doesn't work on him. Prue kicks Hatchet Man in the face and flees up the stairs, while pulling up her tank top so her breasts don't plop out on camera.
Attic. Phoebe's macking with Billy some more. Prue bursts in the room and almost out of her top. Pheebs: "Hello! Privacy!" Prue: "Hello! Axe murderer!" Prue flings some furniture to barricade the doorway. Hatchet Man makes like Jack Nicholson in The Shining and chops his way through the door. The lazy Ps head towards the back of the room and hide behind Billy for protection. Hatchet Man smashes the furniture standing between him and his prey. Prue: "That was an antique, you assho --" Billy covers her mouth. Phoebe informs Prue that Billy is "very sensitive about language." Heh. Hatchet Man approaches.
Foyer. Piper enters the house and locks the front door behind her. She expositions aloud about a "dead woman on her way with a knife" and Leo staying behind at the theater to calm down the crowd. She wonders where everyone is, then hears Hatchet Man's grunts and the lazy Ps' shrieks upstairs.
Attic. Hatchet Man chops his way towards Billy and the lazy Ps. Suddenly Hatchet Man stops and collapses to the floor. Piper's stabbed him in the back with what looks to be a table leg. The hell? Piper asks them if the guy looks familiar. Phoebe identifies him as the protagonist of Axe Husband, a slasher flick she caught the week before. Prue: "We so have to monitor your viewing habits." Once again, STEP BACK, Prue. (And I'd like to add that if the writers are trying to make Pheebs more appealing to me by making her a cheezy B-horror movie fan, they've succeeded tremendously. P.S.: Her new glasses are doing the job, too.) Piper informs Billy and her sisters that a killer named Bloody Mary is after them also. Just then, Hatchet Man gets up. The Ps and Billy bolt downstairs, while reasoning that since the psycho-killers are fictional and do not exist, they cannot be killed. By extension, those who do not exist should not be able to cause any harm either, but whatever. The Charmed Ones are running in fear, and we all seem to be having a good time. Woo hoo!
Upstairs hallway. The gang runs right into Bloody Mary. This would be much scarier if BM's make-up didn't look like she escaped from the First Calvary Baptist Church's one-dollar Halloween Spook Shack on Rural Route Five. Anyway, Billy very bravely wrestles with her. BM stabs him in the chest. Phoebe wails, "Billy!" The knife doesn't affect him; he realizes that like the bad guys, he "can't be killed." He tells the Ps to run.
Bathroom. Piper runs inside, shuts the door, and finds a hiding place. Then, for the radio listeners, she notes, "I'm being stalked by psycho-killers and I hide behind a shower curtain!" HA HA! She hears the door creak open behind her. A shadow appears on the curtain. It's whipped open to reveal -- Prue! The hard Ps shriek at each other. Then they hug. Just then, Bloody Mary appears in the bathroom. The sisters rush out the other bathroom door (the hell? how long has that been there?) and run down the hallway, straight into Billy and Phoebe. Everyone shrieks some more. Phoebe announces that she's "figured out how to kill these guys." Hatchet Man appears behind the Ps. They run up to attic. Billy stays behind to hold HM off.
Attic. Phoebe expositions about Billy's comment earlier about his knowledge consisting only of the lines and direction he was given in his movie realm. Therefore, Hatchet Man and Bloody Mary will die from their respective cinematic causes. Piper's no help because she's a "romantic comedy girl." Luckily, Phoebe remembers that BM was pushed out a window and HM was electrocuted. Bloody Mary enters the attic with her knife raised. She approaches the Ps. Prue runs downstairs to see what she can do about Hatchet Man. Phoebe flips BM to the floor, then grabs a rafter and swing-kicks her out the window. The docile Ps look out to see Bloody Mary's body on the ground below suddenly burn up like a piece of celluloid. Nifty effect -- I guess that's where the budget went in lieu of professional make-up. Then Prue is thrown back into the attic room. Hatchet Man enters behind her. Prue joins her sisters. She notices a plugged-in electric space heater and a mop bucket in front of them. Deus ex contriva, anyone? Just then, Billy bursts into the attic and announces that "the man is here to save the day." Prue replies, "It's the twenty-first century. It's the woman's job to save the day." Billy's down with that. He watches Prue fling the space heater into Hatchet Man's arms while Phoebe throws water from the bucket on him. HM sparks up and burns just like Bloody Mary. Piper: "It's over." Phoebe channels Randy Meeks from the Scream trilogy and warns her sister, "Don't ever say that. Anytime someone says that in a movie, something always happens." The doorbell rings. The Ps plotz.
Foyer. Billy and the Halliwells creep towards the front door. The lazy Ps have pushed Piper in front of them so she'll have to answer it. BWA HA HA! And possible shout-out, again. As Piper reaches for the knob, a voice barks, "It's Darryl." Everyone jumps. Piper lets him in. She tells him they're "too tired for pleasantries. Just tell us." Darryl reports more break-outs of violence at theaters across town, and some cinematic copy-cat slayings. Piper explains that a demon's involved. Darryl blanches at the "d" word. His pager goes off, so he heads back to the station. The sisters process for a bit. They need to find Blackie. Billy tells them that he'll be at the revival house that night because he travels from city to city in the print of Kill It Before It Dies. Prue decides to make the "midnight show his final performance." The hard Ps ask Pheebs to prepare some potions that will allow them to enter the movie and kill the demon, and also return to reality once the job is done. Pheebs looks sadly at Billy, and tells him that they'll have to leave him in the movie. Billy holds her hand and says that Phoebe "will always know where to find me." Aw. The gang gets up to prepare for the showdown.
Revival house. The theater is empty, except for a dozing Movie Geek. The Halliwells walk in. Billy holds Phoebe's hand. Poodle Skirt Girl, on-screen, pouts at Billy. Billy tells her that "these girls are here to help us." Phoebe passes out her potion, which looks like bottles of airplane liquor. Billy and Phoebe enter the movie first. B&W Phoebe calls out to the hard Ps in the audience, "Check me out! I'm retro!" Heh. Then Piper chugs her potion, while bitching that it tastes like ass-phalt." Huh? I have pretty dirty mind, but I couldn't figure out what off-color allusion she was making. Anyway, just then Blackie appears on the set with the docile Ps, Poodle Skirt Girl, and Billy. A melee ensues on screen. Before Prue can down her potion and join them, Movie Geek wakes up. I guess Count Blackie-ula brainwashed him into being his Renfeld, because he starts to assault Prue. Prue telekinetically flings Movie Geek against the wall of the theater and knocks him out cold. She looks up at the screen. Blackie is warning Phoebe and Piper that they're "out of their league and out of their world." And they'll be sorry "once the movie ends and [they're] still in it." Prue calls to the docile Ps to get out of there quick, because the denouement music is swelling. Phoebe and Piper rush up against the imaginary "fourth wall" of the movie screen but can't penetrate it. The screen goes black. Prue gapes. A title reading "THE END" appears. But is it?
The Skulls. Now Gossip. The public clamor for Joshua Jackson flicks can't be all that loud, can it?
Movie theater. The screen still reads "THE END." We hear Piper's disembodied voice wail, "Prue! Do something!" The end-of-reel countdown begins. Prue moans, "Where are you? What can I do?" Her head slumps forward. I am so waiting for the episode where she does this and a passer-by checks for a Medic Alert bracelet and sticks a wallet in Prue's mouth to keep her from swallowing her tongue. Cut to Astral Prue appearing (fittingly) in the projection booth. The folksy old projectionist is snoring. Astral Prue tries to stop and reverse the film in the projector. She bitches, "Where the HELL is reverse?" Cut to the F/R switch on the wall. Prue spies it, and hits "R." The earlier scene with the docile Ps in the woods is shown in super-rewind mode. Flub Alert: Phoebe calls out, "Prue!" during this. Shouldn't that have been "Urp?" Cut to Prue hitting the "F" button. Phoebe and Piper fall down on their asses as the film shifts gears. Hee! Astral Prue disappears from the booth. Prue wakes up in the audience and ask her sisters if they're okay. The docile Ps get up off the ground. Piper tells Phoebe they need to "get out of here." They drink the "return" potions in their airplane liquor bottles and flee from the movie. The Ps reunite and hug. Blackie comes on screen and hisses, "That's right. Run away, little witches. These are the mighty Charmed Ones? Ooo, why don't we run in fear?" (Possible shout-out? These recaps are indexed as "Mighty Big Charmed" on Yahoo. I'm just sayin'.) Piper whines, "I don't know what else we can do!" Blackie harshes on her: "Ooo, aren't you supposed to be the perky one? You should really try not to be so negative."
Sidebar. How does Blackie know so much about the Halliwells? Sure it's open to debate if/how he knew Phoebe was a witch earlier, but how did he find out that Piper's the "perky" sister? Do the demons get together in some netherworld employee lounge to bad-mouth the Charmed Ones? Whatever!
In response to the demon's quip, Piper makes a stink-face. Hee! If I ever need a pinch-hit recapper, I'm calling Blackie. The demon asks the Halliwells if they're willing to admit that they've "finally met someone [they] can't defeat." Prue: "I don't know, you tell me." She telekinetically flicks the projector's On/Off switch. As noted on the boards, this is a real stretch of her power, since it's assumed that she can't move objects she can't see. Hence the need for Astral Prue in the projection booth earlier. Anyhow, the movie stops in the projector. Prue delivers the line Fraught With Meaning that Finlay hissed out earlier about a "subject" melting if "held in the light too long." Blackie is trapped on the filmstrip. It melts as he writhes in pain and disappears. The Ps are pleased.
Projection room. The projectionist repairs the broken filmstrip as he thanks the Halliwells effusively (natch) for warning him about the film and "saving [his] job." Piper's in the mood for the Lesson of the Day, so she notes Prue's "melting subject" line as proof that her sister "learned something from Finlay after all." Prue drives the LotD home: "You can love the work, but not the man." Piper makes this statement all about her and draws an allusion to Leo being the exception to that rule.
Audience area. Phoebe stands on the stage in front of the screen and talks to Billy's image in close-up. Don't ask me how the film is running again without the projectionist noticing this. Pheebs tells Billy: "I got my first glimpse of romance watching you on the big screen. Other girls deserve that same view. Thank you for restoring my faith in the male species." (Hey! Some guys deserve that view too, if you know what I mean. And didn't we already cover Phoebe's closed, cynical heart in the "Cupid" fiasco episode?) Then Billy tells Phoebe to "hold out" for a guy who's "three-dimensional." Owen suggests that she also hold out for a love interest with a full-season contract, but whatever. Phoebe nods. Billy puts his hand on the fourth wall. Phoebe puts her wee hand into his big on-screen mitt. Then she adds in a raspy baby voice, a la E.T., "I'll beee riiiigghht heeeere." Actually she doesn't, and it's a touching, subtle non-Spielberg moment. Phoebe and Billy look at each other and walk their separate ways. As Phoebe walks past the theater seats and Billy walks into the background of the forest set, they turn and glance at each other one last time. Aw.
Halliwell Manor. Leo and Piper are entwined on the sofa, macking. Piper deems their attempt at a normal date "a disaster." Leo says he had a great time, and reminds her that despite further efforts at being jus' folks, she's a witch and he's a White Lighter. They mack some more. Cue the Serpent in this Garden of Eden. Dan appears in the front doorway. Some fool left the door ajar. Whatever! He calls out, "Hello! Door's open!" and walks right into the manor like he owns the place. Damn, where's that hatchet-wielding psycho-killer when you need him? Dan peers into the parlor from the foyer and sees Leo and Piper necking. He tries to look all sheepish and hurt. Whatever! Go peddle it down the street, Crisco Hair. Piper sees him, and notes that he's carrying a box. Dan: "This is yours. You left things over at my place. I kept them around, part of me hoping that maybe . . . maybe that you'd come back. After last night I realized that I should move on, too." Piper peers into the box and finds the bound, doped-up body of Mrs. Bigglesworth inside! And I thought Jenny was the one who kidnapped the cat and took it with her to Saudi Arabia! Anyway, then Piper and Leo take turns kicking Dan's ass into the Central Time Zone. Oops, I must have dozed off during Greg Vaughan's sick-making, somnambulistic monologue. Actually, Piper just takes the box and stands there with him in Awkward Silence.
Just then, Prue bursts in the door behind Dan. The horrific events of the night before have put white streaks in her hair. Or maybe Shannen's just trying to bring back extreme foil highlights single-handedly. Good luck, babe. She says hey to Dan. He leaves, woefully. Piper: "This never gets any easier." See, hon, that's why you need to continue to dump on Dan as much as possible. Practice, practice, practice! Soon it'll be as natural as breathing. The hard Ps hug and join Leo in the parlor. Piper asks Prue what's the sitch at No. magazine. Phoebe, wearing cut-off overalls and a do-rag tied on her head, plops herself in the armchair with Prue and asks her if she told off the "demon of crankiness" again. Prue says that wasn't necessary, because Photo Ed liked her candid shot of Finlay glowering on the stairs so much, he's printing it. PE said it was "the first picture that captured the real man." But we all knew how that subplot would play out anyway. ! Prue then awkwardly segues into her decision "never to see another horror movie again." She takes a video copy of Kill It Before It Dies out of her bag and presents it to Phoebe as a surprise gift. Pheebs squeals in delight and goes to watch it immediately. Aw. Piper: "Should we worry?" No. Prue thinks that Pheebs is "just saying goodbye."
Phoebe's room. Pheebs lies on the bed and watches a scene featuring Billy and Poodle Skirt Girl. He tells her, "As long as I'm with you, everything's going to be A-OK." Phoebe mouths the dialogue along with him because she knows it all by heart. Sniffle. Poodle Skirt Girl asks Billy if he promises. Billy: "I promise." The couple walks off, hand-in-hand. I kept waiting for Billy to wink at Phoebe or something, but he doesn't and the moment stays bittersweet and realistic. Once again -- aw. Fade out. End.