Episode Report Card Owen: D | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Chick Flick
By Owen | Season 2 | Episode 18 | Aired on 04.19.2000
Pepsi One commercial. This newly-skinny former sumo wrestler Oriental Guy tells a Sassy Black Woman, "You funny lady." Two cultural stereotypes. But only one calorie!
Caterwauling. Establishing shots. San Fran at night. I see that Mark David Chapman, the guy famous for being cast as John Lennon in a made-for-TV movie and then fired because he ironically has the same name as the Beatle's assassin, is playing Blackie the demon. Halliwell Manor. Foyer. The sisters are all holding brooms and cleaning up the mess from the pre-credits smackdown. Isn't it rude that the lazy Ps aren't insisting that Piper get ready for her date instead of sweeping up debris? Isn't it rude that when Piper asks what Blackie's "deal" was, all she gets is a lame quip from Phoebe about him just being a guy who "enjoys killing witches in his spare time"? Piper explains that "when a demon makes a house call [her] curiosity gets piqued." Prue notes that the house is "a mess again." Then she lamely quips herself about the desire to fight the "demon of cleanliness" or "that really big bald guy, Mr. Clean -- [she] could so totally take him on." For one thing, why would they want to fight a being that promotes cleanliness when they're bitching so much about messes? And doesn't Piper do all the housework drudgery? So what in the hell is Prue bitching about? And I think the Mr. Clean reference was regarding the actor who played the Black Lighter in "Murphy's Luck," so this was yet another in-joke. Moving on. Piper adds that she "doesn't get the order of things. Don't we usually start someplace dark and dreary, then it's back to the manor for the big ol' vanquish?" BWA HA HA! It seems that the characters (and the writers behind them) are letting us know that they're as fully aware of the weekly plot mechanics as we are. I don't know if this is a shout-out, but it's certainly self-referential. Then Phoebe remembers that she recognized the demon from the movie theater, and he must have followed her home. Piper still wants to know more about the demon's motives before she can forget about the incident. Prue changes the subject to how Phoebe knew what verses would get rid of the guy. Phoebe says she just put together one vanquishing spell with another. Yeah -- they're all equally vanilla and trite; I can see how it worked. Piper praises Phoebe and wishes all of their demon-fighting could go so smoothly. Then Prue picks up the answering machine and plays back a message with a time code. Piper realizes that she's terribly late for her date. She runs upstairs to get dressed, assuring her sisters, "I'll help when I come back!" Man, what a martyr. A little housework wouldn't kill the lazy Ps. But doesn't that sound like a good storyline for some fan-fic?
Restaurant. Leo "Sometimes" Wyatt sits there in a coat and tie, looking bored while stirring his cocktail. Piper comes running up to his table. She's wearing her hair in a sleek chignon and a pretty slate-blue satin sheath with floral accents under a dressy black cardigan (natch). Piper asks Leo how the date's "going so far." Leo beams and tells her "it just got better." Piper sits down, thankfully slips off the cardigan, and apologizes for being tardy. They hold hands and Piper tells her beau about the sitch earlier at the manor. Then she stops, because she remembers their "promise" not to talk about "work" on the date. Leo reminds her that she's "the one who wanted to make tonight magic-free." Piper suggests they start over. They mack across the table. Then the waiter brings the appetizer Leo ordered. It looks just like the Fancy Feast in crystal goblets that Lauren Bacall shills in the commercials. I instantly think, a) ew! and b) where the hell has Mrs. Bigglesworth been lately? Although Piper hasn't even tasted it and cat food probably contains a lot of sodium anyway, she asks Leo for some salt. Leo turns around and asks to borrow the salt from the next table. EW AGAIN! Dan "Get! Leave! Go!"rdon turns his overly-pomaded head around and Piper and Leo see that he's there having dinner with a blonde extra. Piper grits her teeth and says, "Hi, Dan. And Dan's date." Dan introduces "Amelia." But there's something about Amelia; Piper remembers her as "someone-[Dan]-just-works-with Amelia." Amelia grins when Piper says this. Let Dan keep this catty, competitive chick; he deserves her. Dan looks embarrassed. He passes Piper the salt. Piper grits out a sarcastic "thanks." The couples turn their attention back to their respective tables. Leo notes that "at least Dan isn't pining away." Piper makes a funny, ugly stink face and salts her Fancy Feast violently. An accordion player starts up near their table; this is too much for Piper. She freezes the tableau and throws a little fit. (Yeah, I know, Dan is so not worth it and Piper's reactions are implying that she still has some feelings for him. But Holly Marie's acting in this scene made it completely pleasurable.) After wondering aloud if she's being "tested" by a higher power -- most likely the Angry God of Contrivance -- she selectively unfreezes Leo and proposes a toast between the two of them for their "first real date." Ruh roh! Leo's pager is set on Heavenly Chime; it goes off. Piper rationalizes that this is "the same as dating a doctor." She moans that she wanted the night to be "perfect." Leo assures her that it was. Before he can blue-light off, she unfreezes the entire room and insists on a kiss goodnight. After Leo orbs off, Piper looks at the back of Dan's greasy head. He turns to glance at her. Piper hollers, "CHECK!" Hee.
No. magazine. Photo Editor is walking down the hallway with Prue, while blathering on his cell phone. He's assigning a menial to cover a "fight" that broke out in a movie theater, noting, "THAT'S THE LOCATION WHERE YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN FIFTEEN MINUTES AGO!" and hanging up the phone without saying goodbye. Prue starts to inquire about the theater incident, but thinks better of it. Wise move -- Photo Ed is such an asshole. Just steer clear of him. They reach PE's office and he gives her an assignment: to shoot "Finlay Beck." Prue's eyes pop. PE: "Do you know him?" He gestures to research material on Finlay that's scattered all over his desk. Prue picks up the guy's biography and expositions that she's followed his career since forever and idolizes him because he's not only "gifted" but "seems so giving and warm." And we all know where this subplot is going -- an address on the corner of Feet Of Clay Parkway and Big Letdown Boulevard. But I digress. The man himself storms into the office, bitching loudly at some lackeys. He has the effrontery (thank god) to demand of Photo Ed, "Can we get started already? I'm on a schedule." Prue beams at him and introduces herself while stuttering and showering him with praise. It's pretty cool to see her fawning and insecure side for change. Finlay Beck narrows his eyes and sizes Prue up: "You're twelve!" (Which she very well might be, considering the lack of attention to Halliwell ages noted earlier.) Prue assures him, "Oh, I'm good!" But Finlay immediately starts harshing on Prue for intending to shoot him in digital: "Oh, no, no. Not now. Not tomorrow. Not ever. Digital is for amateurs. Careful, your true colors are showing. Make yourself useful and get me some tea." Prue gapes at him. I do too. What's with the brittle, fey bon mots? Did I accidentally switch the channel over to Frasier?