Before we begin, a big wet sloppy shout-out to all of the posters on the show's boards who've contributed such intelligent, perceptive, topical posts lately. To paraphrase Shannen Doherty, it just doesn't "git" "inny" (tm jenni) better than this. I think y'all hung the moon.
A stone mansion with a circular driveway and fountain out front. Night. Cut to three elderly women holding hands and chanting in the basement. From the sounds of it, they're trying to summon "the demon Kryto," who we're going to call Cheeto for obvious reasons once y'all grasp the cheezy, deep-fried heinousness of this week's story. The trio of oldsters consists of a cauliflowerhead who I recognize from many other movies and TV shows but consider an "Ew, It's that Guy" instead of a Fametracker "Hey, It's that Guy" because of her lack of talent. There's also a redhead who I spot as the ballet-school secretary who cheered Jennifer Beals's body double on at the end of Flashdance, and a brunette old lady who might have been in that recent commercial where the young women on the chaise lounges age decades from waiting for their friend to make frozen cocktails and end up as shriveled harridans who whine, "Are they ready yet? Are they ready yet?" But I might be wrong. Anyway, Cauliflowerhead coughs in mid-chant. Redhead asks if she's okay. Cauliflowerhead bitches at her to keep chanting. Brunette groans, in a Sylvia Sidney rasp, that they've been chanting for fifteen minutes. Redhead, who's called Helen, harshes to Brunette, who's name is Amanda, that "it's a séance, not [a long-distance provider product placement]." So the three keep chanting, chanting, chanting. Finally, from the middle of their circle, dry ice is blown up their skirts. A demon cloud that takes the form of the disembodied head of Michael Jackson (if only!) demands to know, "WHO SUMMONED ME?" The old ladies are humbled by Cheeto's presence. He wants to know what they want. Cauliflowerhead, whose name is Gail, wants what "only he can give: youth, beauty, health." And also for him to stop blowing smoke up their asses, I guess. Cheeto wants to know what's in it for him. The old ladies will make him "whole again." Cheeto wants some "powers" too. Gail thinks that's do-able, and recites the Charmed Ones' powers for him. As Cheeto's cloud head seeps back into the floorboards, he agrees to the deal; in exchange, they'll have their youth. After his departure, Helen complains to Gail about "promising something we can't get. Won't it make him angry?" Gail declares, "I'll get the powers. I have to. I'm not ready to die." She tells her friends that she's leaving, and orders them to have "[their] quilt finished by tomorrow night."
Halliwell Manor. The Flute of Whimsy plays the Afterschool Special introduction-to-a-dilemma ditty. Cut to a blurry POV shot of an open book. Phoebe "Miss Magoo" Halliwell is trying to read while sitting on her bed. Pheebs sighs as she opens an eyeglasses case, puts on a rather fetching pair of frames, and checks out her visage in the dresser mirror. She groans and puts the glasses away, when it's really the butterfly halter top and the Cindy Brady pigtails that she really should be rethinking. Someone knocks on her door. It's Prue "Phoning It In" Halliwell, in a normal-looking white tank top and print skirt, reminding Pheebs to make an appointment with the optometrist. Phoebe whines that she doesn't need glasses. Prue says, "This might help," and pokes in Phoebe's eyeballs, a la The Three Stooges. Actually, she just passive-aggressively points out that Pheebs has the book in front of her upside down. Phoebe: "Unrelated." That one's too easy, so both Owen and Prue pass. She changes the subject by asking for Phoebe's help, because their other sibling is downstairs "throwing out her boots. The tan ones." Phoebe grasps why this is an emergency and the lazy Ps book out of the room. THE HELL?
Kitchen. Pi "Pert Plus" Halliwell is picking up some construction boots with the tips of her fingers like they're someone else's used Kleenex, and putting them in a shopping bag. The lazy Ps enter the room to perform an intervention. Phoebe, with her hands on her hips: "Piper! What are you doing! Those are your favorite boots!" Piper, in a Ling-from-Ally McBeal ponytail and an ugly short-sleeved foil mock-turtleneck, bitches that she "got demon blood on them from one of [their] vanquishings." She can't really explain that to the shoe repair guy, can she? Piper adds disgustedly that it's the "third damn pair" she's ruined this month.
Sidebar. Whatever! For one thing, demon blood? When have we ever seen a demon bleed during a recent vanquishing on this show? (And we know that Warlocks don't bleed.) Once again, I fear that a Halliwell is deluding herself into believing she's on Buffy again. For another thing, they're CONSTRUCTION BOOTS! And they look like cheap Payless-bought ones! I can name several outfitters that charge clueless yuppies an extra forty or fifty bucks to pre-distress a pair of boots like the ones Piper's tossing out! What are these shoes, Piper's dress boots (or, as my gay friends and I call them, "disco" hiking boots)? And, yeah, I know they're supposed to be a metaphor for Piper's growing displeasure with the demon-fighting gig, but couldn't the writers have at least made them suede pumps or something?
Anyway, Piper grabs her purse and coat and prepares to bolt for the nightclub. Prue expositions, "You're really going to break up with Dan?" Piper expositions back that she "has to," because although she loves Dan, she loves Leo more. The lazy Ps just stand there, since I guess they used up their reactions to this conundrum when it was allegedly resolved FOUR EPISODES AGO. Piper makes a stink-face and adds, "Sometimes being a witch sucks." She stomps out. Pheebs blames this on "Wicca PMS." Shut up, hon. Prue thinks it's "more than that." The doorbell rings. The lazy Ps both go to open the door, because Piper's not there and the task is so strenuous one of them alone would be defeated in the attempt. It's Gail the Cauliflowerhead from the prologue scene. The lazy Ps hug her. Gail tries to look all sinister into the camera as they embrace.
Credits. When will the Book of Shadows and the Mirror of Plaintive Contemplation become formal cast members? Sure, they're inanimate, but so's Greg Vaughan and he's in the title sequence.
Just try to accost me while I have the hard plastic receiver of a pay phone in my hand, Arsenio Hall. Just try. Once.
Annie Lennox sings about "jumping out of that airplane" because she's been reduced to shilling her music on the WB while San Francisco is established as the setting for this show. Halliwell Manor. Cut to Phoebe rummaging through the Props Armoire in the foyer. She find a framed photo and brings it into the parlor, explaining that she "knew we had a picture of [Gail] and Grams somewhere." Don't ask me why it was kept in such a nice frame if they were just going to throw it in drawer. Pheebs plops herself down on the sofa with Gail and Prue. Gail looks at the photo. She marvels at how young they were, and expositions about first meeting Grams at their sorority. So she's not really Halliwell kin; I got that wrong in my recaplet. Sorry. But my mistake is not as grim as the depressing diatribe Gail launches into about one's "golden years" being all about "regret" and how she misses her contemporaries terribly and is always worrying about "when it's [her] time." Cut to Prue and Phoebe putting nooses around their necks. Actually, the lazy Ps get all glassy-eyed, so Gail brings the conversation around to them. She praises their successful career choices (natch), and asks about men in their lives. Prue says that Piper has someone, "kind of." Phoebe admits that the Halliwell sisters are "picky" because they don't want to go through the number of husbands Grams went through. Gail tells the Ps not to be too choosy; "You might end up an old spinster like -- [Ominous Cough]" Prue asks if she's okay. Phoebe hands her a glass of lemonade. Gail blames it on her "allergies." Prue asks why Gail has come to the city. Gail stands up and blathers about how the "bridge club" meetings Grams held when the Ps were little were really coven gatherings. She then dramatically breaks the news to the lazy Ps that Grams was a "witch." Prue and Phoebe try to look surprised. Trust me, two wrongs don't make a right, i.e. bad actresses attempting to play bad actresses doesn't make for good role-playing. Shannen and Alyssa just sit there, catching flies. Phoebe finally queries, "Witch?" Gail admits that she still "practices" herself. Prue deadpans ever so unconvincingly, "Wow you and Grams witches who knew." Gail tells the girls not to pretend with her; their grandmother confided to her long ago that they would be the Charmed Ones. Phoebe still tries to look perplexed, because she's a moron. Prue gives up the act.
P3 After Dark. Cut to Piper behind the bar, looking cross, arms folded to her chest. Dan "ny Boy, the Pipes, the Pipes are Calling" Gordon enters and says, "Hey." He kisses her on the cheek and apologizes for being late, blaming it on "jetlag." So why did he get that stupid superfluous scene in the last episode where he made a date with Piper for dinner the night he got home? Whatever! Piper can't look Dan in the eye as he prattles on. Nice touch, Holly Marie. He's brought Piper a gift in a small jewelry box. Piper exclaims, "Oh no!" and freezes him. She makes a stink-face and whispers, "Please don't be a ring," as she opens the box to find a pair of pearl earrings. She closes the box, sets it on the bar, and unfreezes Dan. He "hopes [she] likes it." Piper (re)opens the box and feigns surprise far better than her siblings in the last scene. She thanks him and immediately looks sad. Dan misinterprets this and tells Piper that if she doesn't like the jewelry, he can return it. Piper: "It's not that, it's . . ." Owen: BREAK UP! Dan: "You thought it was a ring?" Piper, smiling: "No! Of course not. Don't be silly. It's just that . . ." Owen: BREAK UP! Just then the phone rings. Piper decides to let the machine get it. Piper: "We have to talk . . ." Owen: BREAK UP! BREAK UP! BREAK UP! But we hear Prue on the answering machine, blathering, "It's me. I know you're there. Pick up. Aunt Gail is here and guess what? She knows we're you-know-whats." So Piper's forced to pick up the phone to protect her dark secret, instead of shoving Dan down the highway. Khan! At least Piper gets her bitch on and wails on Prue for her indiscretion. She tries to explain that Prue's called "at a bad time" and she really "has to go." Prue, all smug and inconsiderate, says she wanted to get Piper's "attention" because Aunt Gail is in trouble -- "demon trouble." Piper shifts her bitch up to fifth gear and replies, "Okay! WHY NOT? I'll just PUT MY LIFE ON HOLD ONE MORE TIME and BE RIGHT THERE." She slams the phone down. Woo hoo! Go, Piper! Dan must have borrowed Phoebe's one lonely synapse, because he perceives from this display that Piper has "trouble at home." Piper: "When isn't there?" She prepares to leave. Dan wonders if she still wants to "talk." Piper postpones their talk until dinner that night, or rather, dinner the night "because [she'd] probably have to cancel." Dan says, "It's a date." Owen takes back his belief that Dan is in any way perceptive, if that's what he thinks that dinner will be. Piper looks at him apprehensively as he moves in to kiss her goodbye. He kisses her cheek. She leaves. He notices that she left her earrings on the bar, and pouts.
Halliwell Manor. Sunroom. The Ps sit on the wicker and get exposition from Gail about a demon that's been roaming through her hometown of Santa Costa. She thinks someone used magic to summon him; corpses have been dug up and skinned. She says she hasn't told the police cuz they'd think she's crazy. Piper: "Try getting your boots cleaned." Prue swats her. Gail looks perplexed. Prue: "Don't ask." Word. Let's let that lame subplot rest, please. Phoebe turns the subject back to the "psycho grave robber" and the demon. Gail thinks she remembers reading something about a demon who requires human skins in the Book of Shadows. Prue is astonished; Gail knows about the BoS, too? Gail thinks she read about this creature, it's "a demon who made people young again." She doesn't remember for sure; maybe they'd better go look in the BoS. The Ps ponder this. Something smells as fishy as the shark this show jumped at the start of the season.
Cut to Gail Manor. Amanda and Helen pick up pieces of human flesh and attach it to a partially sewn-together skin suit draped on a mannequin. They wonder if Gail will succeed at obtaining the Halliwell sisters' powers. Helen bitches that she'd "better, because the skin quilt is almost done." Hello, snack on which Owen noshed an hour ago.
Halliwell Manor. Attic. Phoebe finds a page devoted to Cheeto. Gail out-bad-actresses both Shannen and Alyssa by exclaiming in false discovery, "Cheeto! That sounds vaguely familiar!" She then adds, "Yeah, and he dated Morgan Fairchild! Yeah -- Morgan Fairchild! Yeah, that's the ticket!" Phoebe then peers carefully at the book and reads very slowly some exposition about Cheeto, "the demon of vanity," wandering around centuries ago, restoring youth and beauty in exchange for souls. Prue wonders why anyone would make that trade. Gail: "I know a lot of people who would, because of age and disease . . . myself in fact. Didn't you hear my Ominous Cough? Oops. Did I just say that out loud?" Actually, she tries to throw off suspicion by explaining that she wants to protect the elderly citizens of Santa Costa who might be preyed upon by Cheeto. Piper, to her credit, looks mighty skeptical. Phoebe tries to read from the BoS some more. Hey! It's called "Hooked On Phonics," Pheebs, you moron. You might want to . . . What's that? Oh, the eyeglasses subplot? Sorry. I got distracted by the boots subplot and forgot. Piper calls Pheebs on "squinting." Phoebe denies it. She prattles on about how Cheeto was skinned by a group of witches in an effort to prevent his potential resurrection. Prue notes that these witches were "wrong" because the BoS includes a spell to vanquish Cheeto, meaning he still has the ability to rise again. Piper reasons that to summon Cheeto, he has to be provided "a new skin." Phoebe thinks that getting rid of Cheeto should be "no problem" because the vanquishing spell is "easy." Gail asks the Ps how soon they can come to Santa Costa. Piper gives Gail the stink-eye and asks the lazy Ps for a processing summit alone. They go down the stairwell. Gail walks up to the BoS and flips the pages all treacherously.
Stairwell. Prue defends Gail for being "like family. We love her -- she's a second Grams to us." Piper thinks "something about her story is not right." Why is she the only one who's noticed bodies getting dug up and skinned all over town? Phoebe deems Gail's story "funky," but adds, "What can we do? Say no?" Instead of replying, "Hell yes! We say NO!" Piper pitches into a rant about demon-hunting becoming "never-ending" for them. The Ps have "no lives." And she doesn't "have the time to break up with Dan properly." She could win the argument on that last point alone.
Attic. Gail flips through the pages. She finds a page containing both the "To Separate a Witch from Her Powers" spell at the top and the "To Call a Witch's Power" incantation at the bottom. Shouldn't they be placed the other way around? And "Her Power"? Wasn't the kid with whom Prue was kidnapped to rob that bank last season a good male witch, so perhaps the BoS should be gender-neutral? Whatever! Gail, all perfidious, tears the page out of the book and puts it in her purse.
Stairwell. The lazy Ps gang up on Piper, reasoning that Santa Costa's "right over the bridge" and they can be back "by tomorrow night." And that's the final word on the matter, because just then Gail bounds down the stairs, so obviously making a break for it. Prue tells her that they'll arrive at Gail's house at nine the morning. Phoebe asks Gail if she'd like to spend the night. Gail explains that she must go home to "feed her cats," being the stereotypical elderly spinster and all. Then she adds: "Thank you. Heh, heh, heh. You'll never know how much this means to me." Gail adds a shit-eating grin that scarcely conceals her villainous betrayal, and books out of the manor in a big suspicious hurry.
Sidebar. Whatever! Sure, Gail is an alleged trusted family friend, but how stupid are the lazy Ps supposed to be in this episode? And wasn't it established in this season's premiere that Grams was watching over the BoS and flipping the pages? Wouldn't it have been fitting for her ghost to come out and raise a ruckus over her friend's duplicity in the attic? And as funkyD noted on the boards, why is Gail allowed to take a page of the BoS out of the house when there are supposedly strict rules concerning its removal that were mentioned in the Abraxas ep last season? Not to mention Gail's "what a drag it is getting old" reasoning behind the backstabbing of her best friend's grandchildren, which feeds right into my thesis about the unpleasant portrayal and patronizing of the elderly in this series. Luckily, Aaron Spelling has made a pact with the Devil to live forever and he won't ever age, so there's no hypocrisy here on his part. None. At. All. Um, not.
Gail Manor. The coven stands in the basement, holding hands with the sick-making, skin-suited dummy in the middle of their circle, while Hallmarking, We call the demon Cheeto/ Out across the ages/ Humbled by his power/ We invite him into our circle. The mannequin begins to glow and smoke. The elderly witches gasp. The dummy turns into the naked form of the actor Cameron Bancroft, looking well rested but visibly aged from his stint on as Tori Spelling's California University football star/love interest. Cheeto checks out his new skin and says, "Well done, ladies." Cameron has gained this deep, projecting-to-the-back-row Master Thespian voice, which makes me suspect that The Mister is getting a lot of headaches these days from his stable of actors thinking they have the same chances as Hilary Swank of breaking free from Spelling Productions and appearing triumphantly at the Oscar podium. Helen beams at Cheeto, and demands, "Now! Make us young!" Cheeto: "First, what you promised." Gail gulps and promises him, "They'll be here -- soon."
Hey, if I use OB, "there's nothing [I] can't do," including snowboarding down what looks to be Mount McKinley. I'm going to rule the planet.
Gas station in Santa Costa. Piper's SUV pulls up. The Ps step out. Prue is wearing brown slacks and a chamois jacket, Piper is in a tasteful charcoal pantsuit, and Phoebe has paired her leopard-trimmed GapKids jacket with a baby tee and flared hard-denim Bedazzled jeans. Piper bitches to Pheebs about her poor navigation making them "a couple of hours late." Phoebe blames the map she's holding. Prue locates the "connector route to Highway 28" that Phoebe missed. Phoebe didn't see the "little squiggle." She then doth protest too much that she "DOESN'T NEED GLASSES!" Prue tells Pheebs that there's nothing wrong with wearing glasses; she wears them. Phoebe: "But you're older." Piper smirks. Prue glares. She hopes that Phoebe won't face the "demon of vanity, or [she'll] be toast." Which might be an unintended dig at Alyssa's browned fake-n-bake complexion, or it might just be dated slang on the writers' part; I'm not positive. Pheebs goes inside the gas station to ask for directions, and also to donate a kidney to finance the full tank of gas that Piper's pumping into the SUV at current California prices. Then Piper sees an old couple walking by, and she and Prue discuss how she'll age but Leo won't. But this show has no continuity anyway, so I'm not sure if we can expect a Highlander rip-off. Piper also adds that she's worried about "ending up like Aunt Gail" -- old and alone. Prue just considers this silently. Cut to Phoebe getting folksy directions from two Grumpy Old Men. The hard Ps call for her. She drops her eyeglasses case as she departs. The old men hold them up; are those her glasses? She LIES and says, "No." (So I guess unemployed student Phoebe has money to burn; my frames and lenses cost far too much money for me to be so casual with them.) She climbs into the short bus, er, the SUV with the hard Ps and blathers that she's gotten directions that are "all words, no squiggles. Let's go!"
Gail Manor. The coven is brewing a potion from the "To Separate a Witch from Her Powers" page.
The SUV pulls up in front of the manor.
Amanda says, "They're here." The old ladies exposition some more about getting the powers and giving them to Cheeto. Gail pours the boiling concoction into a glass pitcher as she ominously coughs into her hand.
Parlor. Helen is insisting that the sisters have "another glass of iced tea." How much time has passed since the last scene? Because hot tea doesn't become ready to be iced all that quickly. Whatever! Gail also insists that the Ps all have a second glass. Prue asks who else knows about Cheeto. Gail admits that both Helen and Amanda are in the loop. Prue and Piper gape. The hell? If Gail's friends didn't know about Cheeto before Prue brought him up, they certainly would know about him NOW. Whatever! Amanda insists that they won't tell anyone about the Halliwells' status as witches. Piper makes a stink-face due to the beverage she's consuming, and replies: "That's good to know." Helen asks her what's wrong. Piper asks what kind of tea they're drinking. Gail, in yet another incredibly inept attempt at lying, replies that "it's a special blend" while she winks and twirls her handlebar moustache between her fingers. She then sends the Ps off to investigate an "old furniture warehouse on Route 10" where two of the skinned corpses were found. The sisters book out of there. Amanda bitches at Gail, because Cheeto insisted that the Ps stay in the house. Gail reasons that the sisters were "getting suspicious" but, after prodding, 'fesses up that "they're family and no demon is going to hurt them." Then she ominously coughs and tells the other women to join her in the basement, so they can call for the powers until the potion takes effect.
Abandoned furniture-warehouse parking lot. The Ps get out of the SUV. After a three-second inspection of the place, Prue wonders if the docile Ps notice anything. They don't. Are they thinking what Prue's thinking? Phoebe: "Wild goose chase?" Prue nods. Piper wonders why. Prue thinks Gail was in an "awful hurry to get [them] out of that house -- whoa!" She suddenly gets the vapors and steadies herself against the building. Phoebe makes the pearl-clutching gesture. (Shout-out?) Prue feels "light-headed all of the sudden." She stoops down. Phoebe does the patented Halliwell hand-fan movement and declares that she's "not feeling so hot, either." Holly Marie has received no lines or stage directions, so she just takes it all in.
Gail Manor. Basement. The coven holds hands and chants, with Cheeto in the center of their circle again. Cheeto is now wearing black trousers and a black mock turtleneck sweater. Did the women have special demon-about-town clothes ready for him? The old ladies Hallmark, Powers of the witches rise/ Course unseen across the skies/ Come to us who call you near/ Come to us who settle here. Cheeto whines that "it's not working." Cut to the Ps outside the warehouse. They're all clutching their heads with their hands in discomfort, feeling what I like to think are empathy pains for the viewing audience week after week. Or maybe all three actresses simultaneously realized how many years they have left on their contracts. Anyway, fireflies emit from their bodies and take to the skies. Cut to Gail Manor. The fireflies are in front of the house. Cut to the basement. The fireflies alight onto Cheeto and he absorbs them. The coven stops chanting. Cheeto uses his new telekinetic power to fling an old lamp against the wall. He smirks. Gail insists that he now "hold up [his] end of the bargain." He waves his hand and morphs her into Young Gail, who I think is played by the actress who got bitten by Alterna-Willow at the Bronze in Buffy's "Doppelgangland" episode. Amanda and Helen gape at their newly-young friend. Young Gail touches her face and beams. Helen demands, "Now us!" Cheeto turns to Helen and waves his hand at her, turning her to a pile of ash enclosed in a purple pantsuit. Young Gail wails as he does the same to Amanda. Cheeto: "You see, I can take away youth as quickly as I grant it." YG: "But why?" Cheeto explains that it took three witches to summon him, and it takes three witches to banish him; he's just protecting himself. Then he insists that YG introduce him to "more willing souls who want to be young again." He grabs YG and they depart.
Piper drives the Ps back to Gail Manor. The Ps strut up the stairs to the porch, setting their bitches to "on." Prue enters the house without knocking and starts bellowing, "Aunt Gail!" She suspects aloud that Gail and her friends were the ones who summoned the demon. Phoebe wonders why she wanted the Ps to come to Santa Costa. The Ps walk into the kitchen. Prue smells something, and declares, "It stinks!" She walks off the set towards the direction of the smell. Lo and behold, it's coming from the lines being fed through the teleprompter! Actually, the sisters' noses lead them down the stairs to the basement, where they find the piles of dust and polyester that used to be Helen and Amanda. Phoebe: "I hope that didn't happen from drinking the tea." For once, Alyssa delivered a zinger without milking it or baby-voicing it, and I actually laughed. Anyway, Prue thinks the scene is proof that the coven summoned Cheeto. She also notes that Gail is nowhere to be found. Just then, Piper sees a mouse scurry across the floor. She tries to freeze it, but she's shooting blanks. Piper tells Prue to try to "move it." Prue's impotent also. Prue whines, "What the HELL is going on with our powers?" A double-watt bulb flickers on in Phoebe's brain, and she suggests that they find and ask Aunt Gail. Prue rolls her eyes heavenward.
So I can find both Jewel and Jon Bon Jovi caterwauling at sonicnet.com? I must add that site to my list of anti-bookmarks right away!
Gail Manor. The Ps find the makings of the coven's power-zapping potion. Piper: "No wonder the tea tasted funny. How did we let her do this to us?" I note that Piper's being really gracious in her use of the word "we," since the lazy Ps are so obviously guilty for this blunder. Prue: "We trusted her." Piper remembers Gail as "Grams' best friend who was always baking [them] cookies." Phoebe wails, "Now she's spiking our tea!" Piper wonders why -- "to be young again? Surely she knew she'd be giving up her soul in exchange." Prue answers, "Not just for youth. For health." She's been rummaging through Gail's papers like she owns the place, and holds up a fistful of doctor bills, "recent ones, for radiation treatment, chemotherapy -- [Gail] didn't have long to live." (Wait a second. If Gail is such a close family friend, how come she's never been mentioned before? And if she was the girls' "second Grams," then how come the sisters weren't informed that she was on the brink of death? Whatever!) Phoebe: "This doesn't excuse what she did. You can't use magic to save yourself." Prue: "Not without consequences. And there's none bigger than [losing] your soul." Hmm. These are pretty self-righteous statements from the duo who used magic to save Piper's life in the "Awakened" episode; perhaps they could cut Gail a little slack since they were once on her side of the fence. Phoebe still wonders why Gail had to steal their powers. Prue reasons that "Cheeto wanted more out of the bargain, and Gail was desperate enough to give it to him." Piper regrets leaving Gail alone with the BoS in the attic. Phoebe reminds the hard Ps that if they obtain the transference spell, they can use it in addition to the potion to get their powers back. Piper pooh-poohs this because Cheeto is now too powerful to confront. Prue reminds her that Cheeto might not know how to use the Charmed Ones' powers. Besides, does Piper have "a better idea"? Piper: "Go home. Call it a day." The lazy Ps laugh. Piper, stone-faced, is "not kidding." We can also infer this because the Piano Chords of Conflict are cued here and not the Flute of Whimsy.
Gas station. The Grumpy Old Men are now young rascals who jump into a convertible Bo-and-Luke-Duke-style while they woo-hoo and carry on. They peel out. Cheeto watches this, and demands that Young Gail send more of her friends to him for "the treatment." Young Gail protests, whining that "[she] knew what [she] was giving up -- they don't." An elderly man in a suit walks into the gas station. Cheeto wants YG to introduce him. YG won't. Cheeto threatens her. She caves.
Street. Piper's SUV idles at a traffic light. The Grumpy Young Men squeal to a stop to the Ps. The horndogs hoot and howl at the sisters, and peel off. The Ps figure out that they were the old men who gave Phoebe directions earlier. Prue: "Cheeto's close. Let's drive."
Gas station. Inside. Cheeto gives the well-dressed old man his sales spiel. The old guy is skeptical. Cheeto drops Gail's name, and points to Young Gail. The old guy wants in. Cheeto glamours him into his youthful self, including an unfortunate unibrow. So he has some tweezing to do; at least he's young again. He struts off happily. Gail shakes her head in shame at her predicament. Cheeto notices the eyeglasses case sitting randomly on a shelf, and just as he tries to catch the Young Old Guy's attention to give him his glasses --
Whoa. Sidebar. Why are the eyeglasses there on the shelf with the Corn Nuts and Little Debbies and the Slim Jims of all places? Why is Cheeto suddenly all helpful? Why would he imagine that Young Old Guy would need his glasses anymore, if the man's youthful eyesight had just been restored? What. E. Ver.
-- Cheeto suddenly has one of Pheebs' grainy psychic visions involving the Ps holding hands and chanting while he is vanquished. He snaps out of it, and harshes on Young Gail for not "taking care of the three witches." Just then, YG spots Piper's SUV pulling into the gas station.
Outside. YG runs out, warning the Halliwells to stay away. The sisters get out of their vehicle anyway. Prue gapes at Young Gail. Cheeto telekinetically flings a crowbar at the Ps. They duck as it smashes the car's side window. Piper: "So much for him not knowing how to use our powers." Cheeto smacks YG down to the ground. Phoebe tries to save the day by using "the one power he doesn't have." Oh, please, if she means her lame-ass martial arts skills (ranked Sansabelt, I believe), then whatever. Cheeto concurs as he flings Phoebe away from him like a chewing-gum wrapper. Cameron channels Yul Brynner and declares in a deep, guttural growl: "Nobody's sending me back again!" As Prue crouches down and hides with Piper, she ponders, "What do we know about our powers that he doesn't?" Meanwhile, Gail crawls up to Phoebe. Phoebe angrily tells her to stay away. Then she pops up from her hiding place and signals to Prue. Prue: "Great. Phoebe's thinking what we're thinking." Huh? Piper concurs, because she has no idea what "we're thinking." Cheeto finally storms up to the hard Ps. Young Gail tries to explain her actions to Pheebs: "I didn't want to die. I was wrong." She gives Phoebe the page she stole from the BoS. Ah, regret and an attempt at redemption. I'm predicting sacrifice will follow, resulting in a toe-tag fitting for Young Gail. Because I've seen a television program before. Phoebe looks at the page and realizes, "The spell." But she doesn't thank YG or anything. Prue stands up from her hiding crouch, and pulls Piper up with her. She tells Cheeto that they "give up." Piper: "Excuse me?" Just then, Pheebs sneaks up behind Cheeto. Prue fake-exclaims in her deadpan delivery, "No no no Phoebe wait he'll freeze us." Cheeto whirls around and throws a freeze on Phoebe. Pheebs stands still. Cheeto turns back to the hard Ps. Phoebe kicks Cheeto in the ass, then bitch-slaps him and throws him to the ground, the whole time explaining, "Good. Witches. Don't. Freeze!" (The HELL? Wasn't M. Steadwell in the "Ms. Hellfire" ep this season a good witch, since she was on the list of thirteen to be eliminated in order to free the demon o' the week? Didn't she freeze? I seem to remember that she did, and Phoebe threw a blanket on top of her head. Whatever!) Phoebe joins the hard Ps. They all book down the street. Young Gail approaches Cheeto. He gets up and flings her through the gas station window.
Down the street. The Ps hide in an alley. The lazy Ps process for a bit, and decide that, to get their powers back, they need to find Cheeto before he finds them. They bolt off to prepare for the confrontation. Piper lags behind. They wonder what's the big. Piper: "I've HAD IT!" Phoebe: "With what?" Piper: "With being a witch!" Prue: "Oh."
Gas station. Cheeto walks up to the prone Young Gail. He is pissed that she "betrayed" him. YG is "glad" that the Ps got away. Cheeto melts her into ash.
Gail Manor. The Ps walk up to it from the street. Phoebe tells Piper that she can't just leave the SUV in Santa Costa. Piper will "take a cab" to get out of there. Phoebe tells her that a ride back to the San Francisco will cost a lot of money. Piper reminds her mentally-challenged sister that there's a demon in town that she's trying to avoid. Prue: "Come on." Piper has "nothing more to say." Phoebe tells Piper that if she's worried about getting their powers back, "[they] can do that -- [she has] a spell to do that." Piper declares, "I don't want my power back. This is the solution to all my problems." Prue thinks she knows "exactly what [Piper] is going through," and cites her past desire to withdraw from witchcraft due to the grief she felt over Andy's death. Piper: "No. For me, not wanting to be a witch isn't a symptom of something else, as it was for you, Prue. For me, it's the problem. It's the cause of everything. I want a life that doesn't have a lot of death in it. That's not too much to ask." Phoebe tells Piper that she "can't do this." Piper: "We're all going to do this sooner or later. I'm just doing it first." She stomps off.
Then a blonde supermodel/vagrant can't figure out how to use scissors to make her jeans into Daisy Dukes so she uses a locomotive instead.
Gail Manor. Parlor. Piper to Phoebe: "I love you. You're one of my two most favorite [sic] sisters, but I don't want to give up having a life." Phoebe whines that they're not asking her to. Piper: "Yes, you are, by asking me to be a witch." Phoebe reasons that Piper was born a witch; it's a fact. Piper notes that she didn't know about her birthright until "up to two years ago" and she was "perfectly happy" without the knowledge. She concludes, "Normal lives. I miss that. Don't you?" Phoebe: "No." Prue surprises her sisters by answering, "Yeah." She elaborates: "Well, sometimes. But you can't turn back the clock and pretend it never happened." Piper then states: "I don't want to end up like Aunt Gail . . . wishing I was young again so I can do all the things I missed out on." Prue insists that the lazy Ps won't let that happen. Don't hold your breath, Piper. The Ps all hug anyway. Phoebe characteristically baby-voices: "Jus' haylp uhs geet owa powas bak! Pweez! We kayent doo eet witowd oo!" Then Prue characteristically lays down the law: "We won't." Piper folds.
Basement. The Ps walk downstairs. They think Cheeto will show up there. Phoebe suggests that they hurry things along by summoning him. Prue reminds her that summoning "only works for spirits," as if this show had RULES ABOUT ANYTHING. Piper is carrying the pitcher of potion; she sets it down. She wonders how they'll get Cheeto to drink it without having the use of their powers. Prue: "We'll get him to use one of our powers he doesn't know about." She means Astral Prue-jection; they'll trick him into being in two places at the same time by using Phoebe as bait. Piper bitches that she's "only doing this for you guys. If I get killed, I'm going to haunt the both of you forever." Prue: "Yeah, yeah." Hee. She asks Pheebs if she has the spell. Phoebe does. Just then, Cheeto enters the manor, calling out to the Halliwells. He approaches the basement door. During the edit, Phoebe was able to hide behind him in the foyer. Whatever! She pushes him down the stairs to the cellar. The hard Ps knock a shelf on top of him. He gets up and telekinetically flings them across the room. They crouch and hide. Meanwhile, Phoebe runs to a corner of the foyer and yells, "I got it!" Prue to Phoebe: "Get the potion!" Phoebe to her sisters: "Start chanting the spell!" Cheeto, conflicted, slumps forward. Astral Cheeto appears in the foyer. Phoebe surprises him by citing his "pretty nifty power," and Alyssa's stunt double kick-boxes him from a wider shot. Downstairs, the hard Ps pour the rest of the tea pitcher down the unconscious Cheeto's throat. Astral Cheeto disappears from the foyer. Phoebe warns her sisters. Cheeto wakes up in the cellar. Phoebe joins the hard Ps. They all chant the Powers of the witches rise Hallmark Moment power transference spell. The fireflies abandon Cheeto's body and nest in the Halliwells, granting them their powers back. Piper freezes the demon. Phoebe reads the Cheeto-vanquishing spell: What witches done [sic] and then undone [sic]/ Put the spirit back within/ And separate him from his skin. Cheeto glows, and the seams in his skin suit fall apart as he disappears in a flash of light. Phoebe: "That looked like it hurt." Prue "hope[s] so, for Aunt Gail's sake." Piper adds: "And Helen and Amanda." Yeah, because I guess the coven's absolved now for all their responsibility in bringing forth Cheeto. Nice revisionist history there. Try all you want, Halliwells, but the old ladies are dead. They can't thank you effusively. Move on.
Gas station. The loose ends, er, Grumpy Young Men turn old again, as does the unibrowed guy in the suit. No word on whether their souls were lost in the exchange. Oh well.
Halliwell Manor. Night. Parlor. Piper opens up a present from the lazy Ps: a brand new pair of disco construction boots. She thanks them. Phoebe admits that the hard Ps have been wondering if they "should be budgeting for more shoes or not." Piper sighs heavily and responds, "I wish I could tell you that getting my powers back made me appreciate what I lost . . . but I feel like I'm back where I started. I understand what you guys are saying and everything, but . . . I can't change the way I feel." Woo hoo! Piper passed up a Lesson of the Day! Phoebe wants to know if Piper's really "quitting." Piper: "I want to. For all the reasons we talked about. But I'll only do that if and when you guys want to also." Phoebe blurts out that she'll "always want to be a witch." Piper rolls her eyes. Prue reminds Piper that Pheebs is "young." Harumph -- that's the nice word for what Phoebe is. Piper says she has to book. Phoebe wishes her "luck" and adds, "Poor Dan." Shut up, Phoebe. Piper leaves. Phoebe asks Prue if they should worry. Prue thinks Dan will be okay. No -- get this! -- Phoebe really meant the situation created by Piper's job dissatisfaction. Prue: "Maybe. A little." Then Phoebe puts her eyeglasses on, since she's "not as concerned with [her] appearance anymore." She winks behind the frames. That was kinda cute, although I think it was spiked with a low-key LotD.
P3AD. A new establishing shot of a small seven-to-eight person crowd being ushered in the door. (Shout-out?) Pan across the writhing faceless extras to Dan and Piper sitting in the VIP alcove. Hey, Piper -- NO! Dumping him IN YOUR CLUB? That's bad news. Why create an unpleasant memory in a place you frequent daily? Anyway, the couple is facing the camera. Dan looks confused. Piper looks fretful. Piper blathers about just yesterday Dan moved in door blah blah suddenly he was in the opening credits prattle prattle just lace up one of your disco boots already and have at it, honey. But Dan, to his credit, tells Piper that she "doesn't have to do this." OH, YES, DAN, SHE DOES. Oh wait -- he actually means that he knows he's being dumped. Piper is silent. He asks if it's "because of Leo." If Piper were really catty, she'd reply that it's that type of question that drew the steel toe of her boot to his ass. But she replies, "I will always love you, this doesn't change that. You have always been really good to me, and treated me incredibly well." Her voice breaks. "But, I need to try to make this work with Leo blah blah give it a shot yada yada. I'm so sorry." Dan thanks her for being "honest" with him. He then wonders if they'll "still be neighbors." Which makes me think that Dan is either incredibly stupid and in line to be Pheebs's new boyfriend, or incredibly vain to believe that Piper and her sisters would sell their generational family home just to avoid having to glimpse his beady-eyed, greasy-haired visage on the way from the front door to their cars. Probably both the former and the latter. Piper hopes they'll be "more than [neighbors]." Hey, Piper -- stop while you're ahead! Dan guesses that he'd "better go." Piper sits down on the divan alone, looking weepy. He's not worth it, Piper! Owen cranks up Nancy Sinatra's "These Boots Were Made For Walkin'" so loud he can hear Frank writing checks in the background and does a celebratory frug in honor of Dan's departure. End.