Magazine photography studio. An actual band -- Four Star Mary, who fronts for "Dingos Ate My Baby" on Buffy -- is being photographed holding a big (ahem) missile prop labeled "Four Star Mary." They probably agreed to be promoted on Charmed, on the condition that they not have to play a gig at P3 After Dark. Cut to the foreground, where a Photo Editor guy is going through the portfolio of Prue "Annie Liebowitch" Halliwell. Prue is leaning forward so far while he does this that her head is practically in the guy's lap. No comment. Photo Ed says, "Nice stuff." We see this nice stuff; it's pretty much B&W images of children playing. Huh. I would have figured that Prue's work would be more in the style of Cindy Sherman or Helmut Newton and not consist of the stills from which Walter Keane painted large-eyed urchins, but whatever. Photo Ed reminds her that "most of photography's digital now" and Prue concurs. (We heard this spiel last episode, too, so I guess the show's staff is waiting for a shout-out from me for finally doing some research about something. They can keep waiting.) Then Photo Ed quizzes her on the shuttle speed and lens she used on a particular shot, just to make sure Prue didn't cheat and order her portfolio from a small ad in the back of Rolling Stone. He calls the picture in question "the kicker." The hell? Then PE concludes that her work is "impressive." Prue asks if she has the job. PE says based on her pictures, yes, but based on her résumé, no. Photo Ed: "Took a detour from shutter-bugging, didn't you?" THE KICKER? SHUTTER-BUGGING? Did I mention that this guy has a cigar clamped between his teeth and a big card labeled "Press" sticking out of the band on his fedora? Prue explains that she changed careers; she's not hiding that. She reasons that "with all due respect, if he likes [her] work, that should be enough." PE gives her an assignment: get a "shot" of Maggie Murphy, who will be featured in his magazine's "St. Paddy's Day issue." Huh? A St. Patrick's Day issue? What rag is this -- Highlights for Children? He expositions that Ms. Murphy is "the unluckiest woman in San Francisco. And she's Irish. Down the hall where they do the writing, they call that irony." (That's funny; down the hall at MBTV, the writers call that contrivance.) He hands Prue a head-shot of Ms. Murphy and adds that her address is on the back. He then expositions some more about Ms. Murphy being a selfless volunteer for several charities who's life "started to go bad three months ago." He sends Prue off by reminding her that he "wants what's in that portfolio. Artistic. Soulful. Poignant. I want the inner Maggie, and I want it by five today. Or don't bother coming back." Prue thanks this poor man's Lou Grant and leaves.
Rooftop of an apartment building. Maggie Murphy, who's played by the chick who was the slutty blonde pageant contestant in Drop Dead Gorgeous, walks out of a stairwell. We're going to call her St. Maggie. She's all teary-eyed as she walks hesitantly to the edge of the roof. A bald guy in a Prada Republic black suit orbs in behind her. He's played by the bald guy some posters on our boards called "Mr. Clean," while some noted that he played the title role in last summer's The Mummy. We'll compromise and call him Mummy Clean. St. Maggie wonders aloud what she's doing; this isn't like her. Mummy Clean assures her that it is. He gives her examples of how she's been "hurting the ones she loves." St. Maggie repeats this to herself. She's then prodded to admit that she doesn't "deserve to live." St. M stands on the very edge of the building and looks down. A woman immediately notices St. M seven stories up, and earns a SAG card by yelling, "Oh my God! She's going to jump!" Then a crowd of thirty or so people instantly gathers. (Whatever! This only happens on TV. Who looks up while they're walking along the sidewalk to scan the rooftops for potential jumpers? Where do these morbid onlookers come from? How do they find the time to linger?) Mummy Clean disappears. Just then Prue pulls up in front of the building and gets out of her convertible. (Once again, whatever! Dream parking like this just doesn't exist in San Francisco.) We get to take in her full ensemble of light blue vinyl duster, tie-dyed halter top, red leather chinos and choker made up of five entwined candy necklaces as she looks at the photo in her hand and recognizes the potential jumper seven stories up as Ms. Murphy. From street level. Whatever! Prue's head slumps forward, and Astral Prue leaps a tall building in a single bound! She appears to St. M and tells her not to jump. Astral Prue wants St. M to take her hand and step away from the ledge. St. M wails and blathers that all she ever wanted to do is help people, and now all she does is hurt them. She suddenly falls backwards off the building. Astral Prue grabs her wrist. Cut to a bad blue-screen image of St. M hanging above the rubber-neckers on the street. Have special effects shots like this not improved since 1958's Vertigo, or did Aaron Spelling forget his checkbook in his other pair of slacks again? Astral Prue loses hold of St. M, and she falls. Back on the street, Prue reattaches to herself and telekinetically flings the plummeting St. M onto a doorway awning. St. M bounces off of it and lands on the sidewalk. St. M looks up and spots Prue in the crowd. The paramedics and police have arrived. Prue drives off. Mummy Clean, on the sidewalk, looks at St. M and bitches, "Of all the luck."
I'm running out of things to say about these tired old credits, so I'll use this space to praise the writers who come up with the episode titles. I mean, "Murphy's Luck"? What a witty burlesque on the term "Murphy's Law"! I can only aspire to such cunning wordplay. It's all so humbling.
So this week's ep is sponsored by Aleve, and the first commercial is about this obnoxious woman who's writing the company to exult in how she foisted this pain reliever on all the women along the route of this charity walk she was in. Seems this unctuous twit took pity on all the walkers who didn't use the wonder drug Aleve and made them admit their deep shame and apologize for using substandard analgesics. So at the end of the race, everyone was shouting, "Aleve! Aleve!" at her -- get this -- like it was her name! Or were they really shouting, "Leave! Leave!"? Hmm. I bet the latter.
As we're led to believe that this show is filmed in San Francisco, that "Lucky Ones" song by Bif Naked (that was played while Buffy regretfully created the beast with two backs with Parker Unibrow on BtVS earlier this season) is shilled over the WB Music Emergency Broadcast System. Cut to Halliwell Manor. Kitchen. Piper "Leo Loves Me, This I Know, Because the Writers Tell Me So" Halliwell is scribbling on a notepad. Phoebe "Dr. Joyce Bothers" Halliwell, in a "Ming's Tattoo" baby tee and baggy-ass combat fatigue pants, enters the room. She wonders why Piper's not doing "inventory at the club." Piper expositions that she's dawdling at the manor, trying to figure out what to tell Dan. Phoebe asks, "About what?" because I guess someone shook her very violently and erased her Etch-A-Sketch brain since the last episode. In lieu of a "last time on Charmed" montage (which wouldn't cost much money at all, Aaron Spelling -- I'm just saying), Piper explains the intricate dynamics of the Dan-P-Leo triangle for the kazillionth time. Phoebe wants to make sure that Piper's not writing Dan a "Dear John" letter. Piper: "No, he deserves more than that. A lot more." Word. Owen hopes the word "more" entails a procedure involving tar, feathers, torches, shotguns, pitchforks and a mild suggestion for him to leave town on the boxcar. Phoebe expositions about Piper's love for Leo, who gave up immortality for her. Yes, but Piper has some recent worries about Leo; he seems "restless." Phoebe admonishes her for "thinking too much" and trying "to predict the future" -- that's Pheebs's job. Then she pets Piper's head and tells her to "just follow her heart." Piper wonders what she'd do without Phoebe. Owen supposes that Piper might do a lot less laundry, cooking, and cleaning, but instead Phoebe baby voices, "Thuffah endwesswee, noh dowt!" Piper's stomach churns and she makes a quick exit to go to the club. The docile Ps declare their love for each other as they part.
Police Station. Detective Darryl "Less Is" Morris is trying to get St. M to enter the precinct room from the hallway. She's hesitant. Are there guns in there? Darryl makes a "duh" face. St. M explains that "they might go off," because "things like that" happen around her. Darryl says that he's more concerned about St M hurting herself than other people. Okay, then WHY IS THIS WOMAN NOT IN THE HOSPITAL GETTING A PSYCHIATRIC CONSULTATION? OR AT LEAST GETTING X-RAYS IN THE EMERGENCY ROOM SINCE SHE FELL FROM A SEVEN-STORY HEIGHT? WHATEVER! Darryl tells St. M to "trust" him, since he can help her. St. M says, "No one can help me." They sit down and Darryl interrogates her on her suicide attempt. (Which is actually not all that unreasonable; most areas have laws on the books citing suicide as a criminal act. But it's rare to be prosecuted for it. Also, there's no reason why this questioning couldn't take place at the hospital.) Darryl asks if there's anyone St. M wants to call. St. M wants her loved ones "away from" her, because they're "safer there." Then she tells Darryl that she would be dead, "if it hadn't been for that angel." Darryl is incredulous. St. M explains how a woman intervened at the ledge. Darryl gapes. St. M cries. Dorian Gregory milks his screen time by inquiring, "What . . . exactly . . . did . . . that . . . woman . . . look . . . like?" I'm not kidding. You could have watched Meet Joe Black five times between his pauses. But that's another suicide attempt.
Halliwell Manor. Foyer. Prue struts in with her camera bag. Phoebe accosts her and asks how the interview at the magazine went. Prue monotones that she got the job. Phoebe asks if she's okay. Prue fills Pheebs in on the Maggie Murphy situation. Phoebe assures Prue that she was "meant to be" at the apartment building, and "meant to save that girl's life." The phone rings. Prue answers it as she puts her photo equipment in this storage armoire I've never noticed in the corner of the foyer before. It's Darryl. He wants to know if she was St. M's "angel." Darryl suspects this because the angel's description "bears no resemblance to Della Reese." Prue concludes that the angel must resemble her. Darryl: "Bingo." Then he adds real loudly so everyone in the room and the rest of the state along with portions of Oregon and Nevada can hear, "BUT SHE'S NUTS!" Folks, this is why the psychiatric consultation should've taken place immediately, in a hospital, with understanding professionals. Meanwhile, Phoebe picks up a random undeveloped roll of 35mm film that's on an armoire shelf with the camera equipment and interrupts Prue's phone conversation to ask her, "What's on this roll?" The hell? I mean, it's like she picked up package of Wonder Bread and queried, "What's in this bag?" Prue glances at the roll Phoebe's holding up and tells her that those are just "some old photographs." Phoebe holds the film and contemplates it for a full four seconds (no hyperbole here), then puts it back on the shelf. Did we all get that? Because I think it might be important later. I know this because I watched a television program once before. Cut to Prue asking Darryl if St. M is "okay." Darryl says that he has to send her to psychiatric treatment for "a mandatory seventy-two-hour stay." And this signals the viewer's return from Bizarro Mental Health Ignorance World. At the precinct, we see St. M knock over a coat rack and generally make a klutzy nuisance of herself. Darryl ponders loudly, "POOR GIRL, it's like SHE'S SNAKE BIT OR SOMETHING." He tells Prue to steer clear of the precinct, in case St. M spots her. Prue ends the phone call. She tells Phoebe that she's going to the police station. Just to spite Morris. No. Actually, she thinks she just "stopped" St. M, but didn't "save" her. Phoebe wants to go with, because "maybe something from [her] psych class will be of use." Whatever.
P3AD. Piper stands with her back to Leo "Saved-N-Clipped" Wyatt as he sits on the floor and stares longingly at her legs, er, ankles, since she's wearing an A-line skirt. Piper blathers about receiving too many boxes of swizzle sticks. He hands her two boxes, but one bursts open and the contents fall down everywhere. This makes Piper gasp louder than any demon-related scare she's received in the run of this series, but whatever. She kneels down to help Leo gather the sticks up. Leo asks if Piper's "mad at" him. Piper tells him no -- she's fretting about Dan. Leo asks what's the sitch. Piper: "He will be very upset when he finds out you're the one I really love." Leo beams, and responds, "Yeah?" They kiss. Piper breaks it off, because they "can't do this" until she breaks it off with Dan. Leo, horny and crestfallen, is told to count the swizzle sticks. Um, count the three hundred or so little plastic straws that just fell out of the box? Damn, Piper runs a harsh inventory! Leo tries, but his mind is elsewhere. Piper, flustered also, demands again, "Count!" Leo wears a look that begs, "Where's Rain Man when you really need him?"
Police Station. Mummy Clean peers into the precinct room, then glamours his suit into a police uniform and enters. Darryl brings St. M a cup of coffee, when she SHOULD REALLY BE IN A HOSPITAL GETTING A CUP OF THORAZINE, but whatever. She blathers about the "angel" some more, then spills the coffee on Morris's lap. MC grins at this. Darryl goes to clean up. St. M tells him to "stay away" because "people get hurt" around her.
Just then, the lazy Ps strut into the room like they own the place. None of the police personnel asks what the hell they're doing there. Prue points to St. M and says, "All right, that's her [sic]." Phoebe wonders what Prue has planned. Prue wants to write a spell for Maggie, to "bring a little good luck in her life." Phoebe, to her credit, thinks that's "sweet," but Prue can't keep using her powers to save St. M from herself. Prue just wants to "help [Maggie] turn things around, see that life's worth living." Cut to an extra tripping over St. M's foot and crashing into the water cooler, which falls on the floor and floods all of the electrical outlets, shorting out the computer terminals. Mummy Clean chortles. The extra earns his SAG card and my scorn by harshing at her, "Thanks a lot." Prue says to Phoebe, "You see?" Man, this is just so stupid. Klutzy people can live happy, productive lives. I see it ALL THE TIME. But whatever. Prue asks Pheebs how to cast the spell. Prue is told that she doesn't need any help from Phoebe, because she already has "a connection" to St. M; the spell "just has to come from the heart." OH NO. Extemporaneous Hallmark Moments. Just kill me. Just kill me now. What was that about "life worth living" again? Prue thinks for a sec, then monotones, From this moment on/ Your pain is erased/ Your bad luck as well/ Enjoy your good luck, Maggie/ You're free from this hell. Two little glowing -- ahem -- balls appear in Prue's hand. They float over to St. M and disappear into her midsection. The heavenly cojones suddenly make Maggie sit up straight. Her confidence has magically returned! Balls! Balls, I tell you. Balls! Darryl accidentally trips and stumbles onto her. St. M helps him up. Darryl thanks her. The lazy Ps beam. Phoebe notices that Maggie's luck is "changing already." Whatever! Having earned another jewel in her heavenly crown, Prue struts off with Phoebe in tow. Mummy Clean notices this and sends a bad vibe beam into Prue's backside. She shudders. Phoebe asks what's the big. Prue says she had "a chill."
Outside the Police Building. The lazy Ps walk to Prue's car, which is (natch) parked right there in front. Phoebe praises Prue for casting a spell that packed so much "punch." Prue says she just spoke from her heart. Hey, I was there; it came more from her nasal passages and was delivered with all of the emotional impact of a Ben Stein soliloquy, but whatever. Pheebs pouts, because in contrast it took her many tries before she first got a free-lance spell to work. Prue concludes that "it must be [her] lucky day." She starts the car, and backs out of the space just before a three-ton anvil falls and crushes the convertible. But in her haste, she rear-ends a passing police car. Phoebe is knocked unconscious. Mummy Clean, back in his Johnny Cash wear, looks approvingly at the accident scene and mutters, "Your turn to be cursed, witch!" like "Nyah, nyah, you're it." Oh, how disturbing. Not.
The Gap presents the musical, "Tech Vest Side Story." This is SO lame and cheap. What is this, a Kennedy High School production?
P3AD. Leo, still a bit stunned, tells Piper that she can't seriously expect him to act like he didn't hear what she just told him; everything's changed. Piper tells him that Dan's "out of town" and the dumping will play out when he returns. Leo wants to know when. Piper says, "Thursday." Owen marks his calendar. (SPOILER: This date was completely accurate.) Prue come into the club with Phoebe. Phoebe is clutching her neck. Piper asks what's the sitch. Prue explains that they were in a car accident. Phoebe has a mild concussion. I'll spare you Prue's dialogue; it's supposed to reveal that she's taken the accident pretty hard and completely blames herself. At least, I think it is; Shannen delivers it like a greeting through a fast-food drive-thru speaker. Piper is all aghast that the accident was serious enough for the lazy Ps to see doctor. As am I, since people who fall of buildings aren't even going to the hospital in this episode. Phoebe says she just has a headache. Leo holds up a bottle of Aleve. Prue moans some more about the accident. Phoebe assures Prue it wasn't her fault. (Um, actually, it was.) When Prue reaches for the Aleve from Leo, she knocks a box of swizzle sticks to the ground. Khan! They'll have to be counted again! Prue apologizes for being such a klutz. Then she wails about not doing anything right and ponders whether St. M's spell backfired on her. Piper: "Spell? What spell?" Prue's cell phone rings. It's Photo Editor. As they chat, Phoebe fills Leo and Piper in on the Maggie Murphy situation. Leo knows who she is, because he saw "a piece on her on TV." The hell? Was it promoted, "San Francisco woman is unlucky. As news breaks, we're there"? Did Maggie hire a publicist to alert the media every time she screwed up? I'm not getting this. Prue hangs up the phone; she's been told that if she doesn't get the photo of Maggie, she "can kiss [her] career goodbye." Whatever! Someone needs to spray Photo Ed's office for clichés; I bet in a later ep he tells Prue, "I've made you -- and I can break you!" Phoebe says that they need to check up on St. M anyway. As they leave, Prue knocks over a tray full of glasses. Piper freezes it before it hits the ground. Phoebe takes the car keys from Prue "because [she] didn't get collision on the rental." Whatever! First, that's pretty stupid. For another thing, most insurance plans cover you when you're driving a rental, so getting insurance through the rental company is completely unnecessary. Consumer tip over. The lazy Ps leave. Piper just lets the tray of glasses fall and break. Leo gapes. Piper: "What? I'll clean it up later." Word, because no one else lifts a finger on this show. But it turns out that Leo was just supposing that Maggie Murphy's problems have been caused by a Dark Lighter. Hmmm.
Hospital psych ward. St. Maggie is walking a frail, white-haired woman down the hallway while blathering about "sunshine doing her good." Damn, this show patronizes old people. St. M assures the cauliflowerhead that she's "doing fine!" We cut to the lazy Ps being told by a doctor (his back is to us) that St. M's made a "remarkable turnaround." The HELL? This doctor might want to learn the terms "mood swing" and "bi-polar disorder." There's a reason for the seventy-two-hour observation period, you know. Just then I think the doctor's addressing my point by adding, "However, I fear that her recovery is only temporary." But the camera swings around to show that the doc is Mummy Clean and he's referring to his belief that "once you've been out on that ledge, that deep dark place never goes away. It haunts you. It beckons you back." He looks pointedly at Prue and offers the sisters some cyanide-laced Kool-Aid. Actually, Phoebe, to her credit, interrupts him by proclaiming, "That's not true." Word. MC asks Pheebs if she's a psychiatrist. Phoebe replies, "No. But I still think that's not true. People recover from depression." Once again, Phoebe -- word. Writers, what are you making me do? MC assures Phoebe that St. M won't recover; her pain "won't magically go away." Prue asks if they can visit her. MC says of course. Pheebs gives him the stink-eye. MC shoots bad vibes into Prue's camera bag as they walk past.
St. Maggie spots the lazy Ps and walks up to them. She thanks the Halliwells effusively for saving her life (natch). St. M asks if they really are angels. Phoebe responds that she's "just a student." Whatever that means. The producers must have thought that line that was quite a howler since it was in the promos for this episode. St. M blathers about how good she feels now, happy to be alive and able to help people again. She notices Prue's camera. Prue asks if she can take St. M's picture for the feature in the magazine. St. M accedes. Prue throws a chair in the middle of the hallway and poses St. M upon it. Without checking the light with a meter or anything, she just starts snapping away. Whatever. Phoebe takes this moment to reveal that she's "taking a psych class in school" and was wondering if St. M could elaborate on what caused her to go "out on the ledge." St. Maggie says that she just wanted the "voice inside [her] head to stop, the voice that said [she] was causing pain and trouble whoever [she] met, that everything was all [her] fault." She makes a teary face in Prue's camera frame. This is getting to Prue. St. M. concludes, "It was like I was cursed!" Phoebe responds, "Maybe you were." (Hmm. If she also masters the phrases "And how does that make you feel?" "Would you like a tissue?" and "Is this time good for you?" Phoebe might make a good psychologist after all.) Prue, shaken up, removes the film from her camera and gives the equipment to Phoebe. She's going straight to the magazine in the rental; Phoebe should take a cab home. Phoebe wants to go with. Prue LIES and says she's fine.
Halliwell Manor. Piper and Leo flip through the Book of Shadows. Piper expresses skepticism about his Dark Lighter theory, only to get her head bit off by Leo wailing that he should know from Dark Lighters cuz he'd been a White Lighter "for fifty years!" The cell phone rings. Piper gets it. It's Dan "Working On My Alibi" Gordon. He asks if Piper misses him. Leo whispers to Piper, "Is that Prue?" and Piper says aloud to Dan, "No." Ruh roh! Dan starts, but Piper assures him that she was "just talking to the cat." (Cat? Cat? When did the Halliwells have a cat?) Piper asks him how he's liking New York. Greg Vaughan looks out the window of his hotel room set and sees the skyscraper backdrop and hears the sirens on tape and remembers where exactly he's supposed to be. Then he asks Piper is there's something "wrong" in their relationship; he "senses" her pulling back. Piper LIES and assures him that they're okay. Dan tells her that she doesn't need to pick him up at the airport, and they'll have dinner when he returns. Piper says, "Bye." No love yous. No kiss noise. Just, "Bye." As much as I dislike Dan -- ouch. Piper apologizes for stonewalling with Dan. Leo says he understands. Dan has to get the boot in person, because that's what he "deserves." Just then, they find a page in the BoS explaining a Dark Lighter classification called the "Spirit Killer." Cut to Piper complaining, "You've got to be kidding." I think the best episode of Charmed ever would be an hour of that clip on continuous loop.
Magazine. I find out that it has the lame moniker 415. That won't do. Since that's a number, I think it would be apt if we called it No. Magazine, since Prue Halliwell will be working there. Photo Editor is looking at Prue's photo of Maggie and starts frothing at the mouth because it's come out blurry. Prue makes excuses. Photo Ed throws a monster tantrum. Here are the highpoints from his rant: "WHAT am I supposed to put with the article? SERIOUSLY, WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO, HUH?" "You're SORRY? I gave you a CHANCE! I BELIEVED in you! And THIS is what I get? You're a FRAUD!" "No, YOU LOOK! You're FIRED! No, you're WORSE THAN FIRED! I WILL MAKE SURE NO ONE EVER HIRES YOU AGAIN!" "Now, GET OUT! GO! RUIN SOMEONE ELSE'S LIFE!" Bwa ha ha! And whatever! Sure, Prue screwed up, but isn't he at fault for assigning what is suddenly a life-or-death task to an untested free-lancer? What, the magazine is going to press that afternoon and they don't already have this little puff-piece photo? Anyway, Prue stumbles out into the hallway. She says to herself that she'll "get through this" and "everything'll be fine." Mummy Clean orbs in behind her and whispers (in her voice), "No, it's not. He's right. I'm a fraud. I only hurt people."
Halliwell Manor. Foyer. Phoebe enters with Prue's camera stuff and greets Leo and Piper. Piper asks where Prue is. Phoebe says she's at the magazine. Leo tells her that she needs to be found -- a Dark Lighter might be after her. He probably saw the spell she cast for Maggie. Piper tries to call Prue, but the connection fails. Phoebe tells Leo that she met with Maggie, and St. M believed she was "cursed." Leo: "She probably was until Prue turned her luck around." He elaborates that there's a certain type of Dark Lighter that causes future White Lighters to commit suicide before earning their wings. Phoebe thinks that if the Dark Lighter is involved in a suicide, it must be murder. Leo says that the Dark Lighter never kills his victims, just compels them to off themselves. This Dark Lighter wants to destroy Prue to dissolve the effects of her good-luck spell and leave St. M unprotected. Phoebe pooh-poohs the suggestion that Prue would ever consider suicide. Just then, the Foreshadowed Roll of Film rolls out of the armoire. Pheebs picks it up and shudders out a vision. It's Prue in a babushka and a barn jacket, crying and taking pictures while standing on a freeway overpass. Phoebe admits that Piper and Leo are right: Prue might be susceptible to the Dark Lighter's manipulations, and thus be in danger. Except she doesn't say "susceptible" or "manipulate" or "thus" because, well, this is Phoebe we're talking about here.
Promo for the flick Black and White. I know it's only four months into the year, but Bijou Phillips already has my vote for "Worst Film Newcomer of 2000" for her reading of the line, "Hi, Daddy. I been to the lie-berry!" I don't think I need to see the movie for further proof, although that clip of Mike Tyson bitch-slapping Robert Downey, Jr. amuses and intrigues me.
Halliwell Manor. Sunroom. Phoebe bitches at the unruly inanimate cell phone, "She is too in the calling area, damnit!" Piper asks her if she tried the magazine. Phoebe says she was told Prue left "a half hour ago." And Prue can't ever, ever go back there. Or Photo Ed will machine-gun her in the lobby. Piper asks Pheebs to keep trying to reach Prue's cell phone. Then she asks Phoebe to elaborate on her vision. Was it from the past or future? Phoebe knows it was from the past because Prue looked to be "about 20." (Yeah, Vaseline on the lens has that effect.) From this information we also know that -- this week at least -- Prue is 28. Which makes her younger than Phoebe, who was 29 in "Pardon My Past." Uch. My head is throbbing. Aleve Lady! Come back! All is forgiven! Piper then reasons that the vision must have been around the time of the "other car accident." Leo asks for exposition. The docile Ps fill him in. Turns out that Prue was driving with Phoebe and ran a red light. Phoebe: "We didn't even hear the other car honk." (That inconsiderate other driver, going forward on green, not even bothering to warn any approaching cars who sped through the stop light! Not.) Phoebe was the only one who was hurt; she was in the hospital for over a week. Piper says that Prue "never forgave herself" and Grams gave her grief about it besides. The Ps add that Grams was always "hardest on Prue" and prevented Prue from going to school back East to become a photojournalist because she knew the sisters needed to stay together and become the Charmed Ones. Phoebe finds it hard to believe that Prue would ever consider suicide, though. All the vision showed was Prue looking very sad while taking pictures from the overpass; it might not have meant that she was planning to jump. Leo informs the Ps that a Dark Lighter "can do anything, mess with her, take her back to the same dark place and make her do something that she wouldn't otherwise do." Piper reasons that if they can't find Prue, they need to locate the Dark Lighter. Leo says they're not able to do that -- only a White Lighter can, since they're able to "sense each other." The phone rings. Phoebe answers, "Prue?"
Cut to Prue, on the phone in her rental sedan. Piper: "Is it her [sic]?" Phoebe asks Prue where she is. Shannen gives her usual catatonic mumble delivery, but since her character's having a nervous breakdown it's a just a wee bit slower and incoherent: "I'm really . . . no . . . but I can't start my car and . . . this day just really sucks ." Phoebe tries to give her the big about the Dark Lighter, but interference cuts her off. Prue: "I . . . I just lost my job and . . . can you guys please come get me?" Phoebe tries to talk again. Prue can't hear her. We see Mummy Clean behind the car, throwing bad vibes at the cellular phone. The connection is cut off. Shannen gets out of the rental and struts forlornly down the street. MC follows.
Halliwell Manor. Piper reiterates the need to find Prue. Phoebe wonders where to start. Piper suggests the magazine. Phoebe thinks that's a lost cause. Leo suggests that they use the "scrying" spell in the BoS. Alyssa says they can't because she's used the crystal up for deodorant. Piper has a brainstorm: Since they need some good luck in finding Prue, St. Maggie might be able to help. She tells Pheebs to get a map. Phoebe says there's one in the car. Leo wants to go with. Piper makes him stay behind in case Prue shows up at the manor. Besides, if he comes along, the Dark Lighter might recognize Leo from his White Lighting days. Leo, obviously upset: "I hate this, not being able to look after you guys." Aw. If he had said "y'all," I'd be a Brian Krause fan for life. Piper: "I know. I'm sorry."
Prue walks along a sidewalk. MC is behind her, blathering, "What's happening to me? Keep walking. No one else can help me. I'm all alone. Keep walking. Yeah, keep walking." He says all this in his own voice; I really wish the producers of this ep would have been consistent about this "inner voice" manipulation thing. Prue says aloud, "This isn't me. I'm a good person. I do good things." MC notices a skate punk and sends some bad mojo his way to make the kid speed towards a woman and a baby carriage. Prue notices this, and uses her power to fling the skateboarder out of the way. Unfortunately, this sends the kid into the path of an oncoming car. The skateboarder falls to the ground, narrowly missing the vehicle. He wails in pain. I bet the paramedics reason that his baggy-ass pants broke his fall so he can bypass the hospital and go directly to the police precinct for questioning, a la Maggie. MC tells Prue that she "almost killed him, like [she] almost got Phoebe killed." Then he tells her to run. Prue books out of there.
Hospital psych ward. St. Maggie is playing gin with yet another cauliflowerhead. She beams and coos at her. Second verse of "could this show patronize old people more"? The docile Ps appear in the doorway. Phoebe asks if St. M remembers her; she needs St. M's help to find her "angel." They drag St. M out to the hallway and ask her to point anywhere on an unfolded map of the city. St. M "doesn't understand" what's going on, but points anyway. Piper sees that the spot is "close by." They thank St. M and move on.
Halliwell Manor. Leo paces in the foyer, then sits on the stairs and pouts.
Cut to Piper and Phoebe in the SUV, speeding towards Prue's location. Wow. You could cut the tension with a Swiffer.
Cut to Prue on the side of the freeway. MC appears behind her, saying, "It's okay. I know what needs to be done. It's the best thing. Best thing for everyone. Something I should have done a long time ago." Prue looks up at the freeway overpass. MC adds, "Jump." Cut to a close-up of Shannen. Girl, constipated.
The hell? "Bod" Man Fragrance sprays. This is as close to these models as you're gonna get, gals, because these guys are gay, gay, gay.
There was no PSA about depression and/or suicide at the end of this episode, so I'd like to say a few disparaging words about what's been going on here before returning to the recap. Yeah, I know this is just a fantasy show, and a shoddily put-together and ill-conceived one at that, but let's get back up to speed on reality. Depression occurs when people suppress their feelings to avoid feeling pain (thus negating their ability to feel anything, including joy). This can be caused from reaction to negative stimuli or faulty brain chemistry. Please don't believe -- as it's being presented here -- that depression and suicidal thoughts might be the result of an "unlucky" life inflicted upon you by some inchoate, otherworldly source. (The Lycra-suited Black Lighter who's whispering self-destructive thoughts in people's ears in this ep seems to me to resemble an embodiment of schizophrenia, which is another form of mental illness altogether.) I'd also like to stress (and shame on the Charmed producers or WB execs for not doing so) that if anything in Maggie Murphy's or Prue's plight here is hitting home for you, please seek some counseling. There's help and concern for you out there; things can get better. Now back with the show.
Freeway overpass (or is it a pedestrian bridge? Yet there's no traffic going across it, on foot or by car.) Prue steps to the railing above the traffic. Mummy Clean assures her that it's "the only way, the only way to save the ones [she loves]." He adds that she should have done this "eight years ago." Hmm. Wouldn't that have been around the time that Shannen started the downward spiral that sent her off of for good? Oh, then MC really plays dirty by telling Prue that Andy would be alive today if not for her. That's pretty evil. Prue: "Andy. WAHHH!!!" MC: "Jump!"
Halliwell Manor. Attic. Brace yourselves. Brian Krause must've been getting acting "tips" from Dorian Gregory. Leo goes through the BoS. Leo doesn't find anything. Leo slams it shut. Leo wails, "Dammit! Arrrggghhh!!!! I can't just sit here and DO NOTHING!" Oh, please -- for the sake of your career, Brian, you might want to do just that. But no! He berates himself to "THINK!" while grabbing his head with both hands. Then he looks at his hands -- yes, those healing instruments of yore -- and gazes yearningly towards the ceiling. Cue the caterwaul. "I WANT MY POWERS BACK! I WANT MY POWERS BACK! I WANT THEM BACK NOW!" What range -- from Hamlet to Veruca Salt in mere seconds! He sits down in front of the full-length Mirror of Contemplation prop we've seen in prior episodes (it mysteriously floats about from set to set), and grabs his head with his impotent mitts again, then gesticulates wildly. He looks back at the ceiling. In a normal tone, he proclaims, "I can't keep being mortal, if this is the cost. I don't want to lose Piper, but not [sic] at the expense of losing one of her sisters. Even the bitchy, bossy one." (That last sentence was, um, my doing.) "This is my calling. You have to let me help. You have to give me my wings back." And even though he didn't say the magic (literally, here) word "PLEASE," the Lord or whoever he was browbeating grants his wish. As a choir moans, Leo looks at his hand. It begins to glow. Hmm. Leo might have lost Piper again for good, but I guess he'll always have -- snicker -- that hand.
Freeway. Piper pulls over to the side of the road. She and Pheebs get out of the SUV. Piper expositions that this is "around" the spot St. M chose. Phoebe reasons that Prue has to be around there somewhere. Piper spots Prue above them, standing at the railing of the overpass. Phoebe calls to Prue. Piper grabs Pheebs' hand and leads her up the embankment towards Prue's perch. Phoebe thinks they should drive. Piper: "No time."
Prue on the ledge. Mummy Clean sees them approaching. The docile Ps shout out all of the information about Maggie and the Dark Lighter and the curse. MC says to Prue: "There is no Dark Lighter. It's only [her]." Which isn't very clever of him; I'm surprised he didn't continue, "No, there's not a Dark Lighter standing right behind you whispering in your ear at all. Not at all. Really! Yeah, that's the ticket!" The docile Ps run nearer. MC loses his patience and shouts, "Jump, dammit! Jump!" Prue suddenly spins around and spots MC, realizing, "It's true!" She harshes on him, "You bastard! How dare you hurt people [mumble, mumble]!" Mummy Clean is flung to the other side of the overpass. MC assures Prue that she'll "jump for [him] sooner or later." He adds that he hasn't "lost anyone yet." Prue reminds him that he lost "two" that day. MC: "Blah blah you can't stop me!" Just then, Leo orbs in while running towards the Dark Lighter. He tackles him to the ground. Prue gapes. The docile Ps run up. Leo asks Prue if she's all right. She thinks so. The Ps hug. Piper looks over at Leo. Leo says that he has "to go now." He and the Dark Lighter orb out to hash out their yin/yang thing off-camera. Cut to Piper, realizing that she'll have to replace a bartender.
Halliwell Manor. Parlor. The sisters are all sitting pretty on the sofa, sporting denouement 'dos of ponytails in different stages of disarray. Prue is looking at the photo she developed from the eight-year-old roll of film. She notes that the overpass "hasn't changed much, has it?" Like they would have added a Wal-Mart and a Home Depot to it or it would have gone condo or something. Piper, very delicately, asks Prue to explain her mental state while she took the photo years ago. Prue admits that she was "in a bad place then, and was scouting for a shot." She found the bridge, and took a picture of it to remember that particular moment and how she was feeling. Ugh. Yeah, this is groan-worthy, but it could be far worse; in a word -- poetry. Piper: "You weren't gonna --?" Prue: "No, I'd never, ever do that." Phoebe wonders why she didn't develop the film. Prue didn't want to "relive the pain. But now I am, since a demon tried to take advantage of it." She adds, while walking with the photo over to a fire burning (in April, in California) in the other room, "But that was then." Prue flings the photo on the flames and I say along with her, "And this is now." Except she doesn't make a jerking-off motion like I do. Instead, Prue brings out a copy of the St. Patrick's Day issue of No. Magazine, turned to the Maggie Murphy feature page. I'm too stunned by the sheer inanity of this prop to try to imagine how in the world Prue got a second chance with the hard-ass Photo Editor because BWA HA HA! The "inner Maggie" photo Prue took is a shot of St. M with her head cocked to one side and resting in her hand. The layout is equally lame -- this photo superimposed onto a big green shamrock. And the "kicker" (tm Photo Ed) is the headline, "The Luck of This [sic] Irish." Dear God. I'm going to have to cope with Prue working at this retarded publication for probably the rest of the season. Anyway, Prue points to her credit and crows, "It's me! I'm a professional photographer!" Piper smiles and contemplates this development silently. Phoebe claps her hands wildly and ineptly in front of her face. The doorbell rings. Piper will get it (natch). Phoebe blanches, wondering, "What if it's Dan?" Piper says she'll have to tell him the truth -- nothing has changed just because Leo has his wings back. She heads to the foyer. Shannen and Alyssa improv. Alyssa points at the magazine prop and states, "This. Awesome." Shannen says, "I know." Paychecks earned, ladies. Go home already.
Foyer. Piper opens the door. It's Leo. She's surprised he rang the bell. Leo wasn't sure how she'd feel about him just "orbing in." Piper says she'd feel okay. Leo: "I want you to know this was my idea." He then LIES and says it wasn't "something [he] wanted to do." Bite your tongue, Leo -- I have your "I WANT MY POWERS BACK! I WANT MY POWERS BACK! I WANT THEM BACK NOW!" tantrum on tape and don't think I won't blackmail you with it. But Piper sees through this fib anyway and tells him, "Leo, I meant what I said and I've thought about this a lot. White Lighter or not, we can find a way to make this work. Somehow, some way." Leo will "hold [Piper] to that." The latest Warner Brothers Music sham-teuse begins to shriek obtrusively, but the moment isn't completely ruined. They embrace. End.