It took seven new episodes airing consecutively to get there, but this last one was actually kind of fun to watch and not a complete chore to recap. Even more fun can be had with the re-run by taking up Talula's suggestion to note every time the words "sign" and "dream" and "trust" were used in the ep, and take a drink each time. But be sure to keep a stomach pump and charcoal tablets handy.
Cellblock. Two burly guards, one sporting a goatee, walk down a deserted prison hallway toward a cell where a buff, shirtless prisoner is doing sit-ups on the floor. The burly men tell the prisoner that "it's time." Bane "of Prue's eXistenZ" Jessup (played by special guest star Antonio Sabato, Jr.), stands up, muscles rippling. He's confused, because he thought his hearing was week. Bane looks intently at them and realizes, "I've never seen you guys before." The guards enter his cell anyway, and the men strip down to form a Sabato sandwich. Oh, my bad. I only thought I was inadvertently watching a gay porn video. ["KHAAAAN!" -- Sars] (Thanks here to my friend R., who filled me in on the rudiments of what a gay pornographic film looks like, since I've never seen one in my life. Ever. I swear. What's with the smirk? No, never. Really. You can uncock that eyebrow now.) The guards open Bane's cell and jangle some -- ahem -- handcuffs at him.
Cut to the exterior of the jail. Some cruel person in Wardrobe made Antonio put a shirt on, and the guards are leading him to a van. Antonio asks Goateed Guard if "Litvac" sent them. GG doesn't say anything. Bane elbows the other guard in the stomach and grabs the silver -- titter, titter -- ray gun GG is holding and aims it at the guy. The other guard gets hit by the beam and evaporates. Bane knocks the ray gun out of GG's hand and it falls under a parked car. Then he knocks GG down with his cuffed hands. GG picks Bane up and throws him against the van. Bane jumps inside the open police van and drives away because the engine is conveniently running already. AS IF! Bane drives off as GG chases after him. He crashes the van through the gates of the parking lot. Some lucky guy playing the ineffectual security-gate guard earns his SAG card by yelling, "Stop!" GG tries to retrieve his ray gun from under the parked car, but Bane's escape has caused one lonely guard to walk casually out of the jail and earn his own SAG card by delivering the line, "Hey, what's going on here?" GG runs away.
Halliwell Manor. Day. Piper "I Don't Know How To Love Him" Halliwell and Phoebe "Willow, Weep For Her" Halliwell enter the kitchen. They're each wearing running gear, complete with sports bras of competing logos which will not be named until both companies send in advertising fees to this site. Piper blathers about Leo "who's mortal now, but might want his wings back someday" and Dan "who's great and normal." Wrong and wrong. Phoebe rolls her eyes and says, "Twenty-eight minutes, thirty-three seconds." Piper wonders if they'd been running for that long. Phoebe implies that Piper's mouth has. Piper thinks that her sister could be more "understanding" about her "problem." Phoebe: "You're in love with two guys who both love you. I totally get it. But I don't get why you won't let me help you." Piper asks her what she can do -- take one of them off her hands? Phoebe considers this. Piper tells her that's "not an option." Phoebe offers assistance in the form of a spell instead. It can "point a magical arrow in the direction of [Piper's] one true love and end the great debate once and for all." Excuse me? I've seen great debates, I've participated in great debates, and you, Senator Who-Should-Piper-Date, are no Nixon-Kennedy. Piper balks, because Phoebe's spell has "personal gain tattooed across its forehead." Phoebe assures her sister that she's been improving her spells and is sure she can come up with one that's "consequence-free -- it's all in the wording." Thank you, Bill Clinton of witchcraft. Piper, to her credit, walks into the dining room and dismisses the effort to "use magic to solve [her] personal problems." Ah, I feel the pleasant breeze of free will and the smell the warm fragrance of individual responsibility. Phoebe chases after her, assuring Piper that she doesn't have to use magic, because Phoebe will "do it for [her]!"
The docile Ps and viewers spot "The Taming of the" Prue Halliwell in the sunroom, examining a ton of photographic equipment. Prue asks when her stuff got there. For once, she's attired in something normal -- a white t-shirt under a pink sweater along with a pair of jeans. Except for the fact that pastels really don't flatter Shannen Doherty's coloring and that the jeans sport many "Quiche, Quiche Lorraine" appliqués, I don't have much to grouse about. Piper tells Prue that her equipment was delivered about an hour ago. The docile Ps join her. Phoebe wonders if Prue bought "enough stuff." Prue explains that "so much of photography has gone digital now, if [she wants] to seriously pursue it, [she has] to have the right equipment." Phoebe, stranger to the obvious, realizes, "Wait -- so you're thinking about becoming a professional photographer?" Prue: "You don't think I should?" Phoebe says, "Sure, I think that's great, if that's what you want to do, it's just . . . isn't photography a really dicey profession -- money-wise?" Piper pinches her, but Phoebe keeps her unfortunate, dream-deflating monologue going, adding, "All I'm saying is, how many women professional photographers do you know?" THE HELL? Since when did a Halliwell become so discouragingly anti-feminist? Who wrote this crap? Anyway, while I motion to the side of my face to let Phoebe know that there's a little bit of foot still sticking out of her mouth, Piper reminds Prue that she's always considered that profession. Seems that Prue "dreamed [okay, take a sip of your drink here] of winning the Pulitzer Prize in photography since college," but took jobs at the museum and the auction house to earn enough money for the sisters to keep the manor. Piper bucks her sister up by assuring her that "now it's [her] turn to follow her dreams [sip]." Although the revelation that Brenda Walsh is now pursuing the Pew-litzer Prize with all the gusto of her brother Brandon truly turns my stomach, I'm all for Piper reinforcing Prue's confidence. Go, Piper! And shut up, Phoebe. Phoebe tries to backpedal by suggesting that finding out that Prue had been a photographer in a past life was "some kind of sign [sip]." She beams and adds, "Speaking of signs [sip] . . ." Phoebe runs upstairs. Piper, nonplused, follows her, screaming, "No!"
Prue, looking hurt, walks over to this full-length mirror I had no idea was in the corner of the sunroom as the Piano Chord of Plaintive Contemplation tinkles. She holds the camera up to her naturally squinty eye and mimics taking her picture with it. Pay attention, kids (and adults) -- are you thinking about choosing a career? The best way to do it is to pose in the mirror with the appropriate prop, because according to Aaron Spelling, those who look the best do the best at their chosen professions. So if Prue was going to be a doctor, I guess she'd be posing with a stethoscope or internal shock paddles; or if she was going to be a judge she'd be holding a gavel; or if she decided to put in her lot as an MBTV recapper she'd be vogueing in front of the mirror with a VCR remote and a highball. Anyway, she looks at herself holding the camera, then takes a picture of herself taking a picture of herself, and moans in self-pity, "Portrait of a dreamer [sip]." Aw. And BWA HA HA!
Phoebe's locked herself in the upstairs bathroom. Piper bangs on the door, asking, "You're not writing a spell for me are you?" Phoebe, leaning over a pad of paper, LIES, and reasons, "Who writes spells in the bathroom?" She crumples up some herb leaves over the notebook page and Hallmarks, I beseech all powers above/ Send a sign [sip] to free my sister's heart/ One that will lead to her love. Piper rolls her eyes along with Owen. The chimes of mojo-activating music play.
Bane suddenly appears behind Prue's reflection in the mirror. He greets her and puts a cloth over her mouth. She struggles in his hold, then passes out.
Credits. I read the other day (don't ask me where) that the full working title of this show originally was Charmed, I'm Sure. I'm So Very, Very Sure.
I've shared many things with by best friend, but never zit prevention pads. And it wouldn't have occurred to me to record the moment in pictures. But that's just me.
As San Francisco is established, let's all sing along with the worst song Wilson Phillips never recorded. The lyrics:
Don't wanna be scared
Don't wanna be weak
Don't wanna be last to speak now
I'm gonna be brave
I'm gonna be strong
I'm ready to take it all on
Making it up as I go along
Making it up as I go along
Bartender, can I have two BC Powders with a boilermaker back? Thanks. After the caterwauling nobody, we cut to Phoebe and Piper in the sunroom of Halliwell Manor. Phoebe is fondling Prue's camera, trying to get a premonition from it to find out what happened to her sister. She feels guilty, as well she should, that her "crack about becoming a photographer" might be the last thing she said to Prue. The doorbell rings. Piper (natch) gets it. It's Darryl "Badge of Stupor" Morris. He has "bad news" and "worse news." Piper calls for Phoebe. Darryl gives them the big: Bane Jessup escaped from county jail. The docile Ps remember him from the "Ms. Hellfire" episode. Darryl says "a full-scale manhunt" is going on. That's fitting, because Antonio is definitely a full-scale man. Piper tells Daryl that Prue is missing, and probably kidnapped. She shows him the rag that Bane left, and Darryl smells chloroform. Darryl thinks the culprit is Bane. He's come over to show them the silver ray gun the police found at the scene of Bane's escape. Although it's in a plastic evidence bag, the Halliwells waste no time taking it out and getting their grubby fingerprints all over it. Phoebe looks at it -- it's silver with etching scratched all over it. She deems it "obviously demonic." Huh? Piper asks if they can keep it. Darryl tells them that he "can't exactly turn it into evidence inventory." Yeah, sure, okay. Whatever! Piper asks him to keep Prue's abduction quiet. He'll stay quiet for as long as he can. Phoebe thanks him. As Darryl opens the front door and leaves, a deliveryman appears and earns his SAG card by stating that he needs Piper's signature for a box. She signs for the package -- it's from "Leonardo's Boutique in Bodega Bay." Piper thinks that it's a "sign [sip]," because Leonardo = Leo and Bodega Bay = where Dan is from. Piper knocks the box against Phoebe's head and gives her grief about casting the spell. Phoebe tries to play stupid, er, stupider. Piper: "Don't act blonde." Hee. Phoebe apologizes. Piper, fuming, gives her the ray gun to research: "You. This. Book of Shadows. Go." I'm really liking the way they're scripting her character lately. Ruh roh! When Phoebe touches the ray gun, she has a vision of Bane putting a blindfold and gag on Prue. Don't ask me why, since Prue never touched this object and these events happened after Bane escaped from jail. We're talking Charmed logic, here. Phoebe fills Piper in on the sitch.
Unfinished, er, let's say Unconsummated Condo. It's a practically bare room with a seashore view. Bane walks over to Prue, who's bound and gagged in a chair. He takes the gag off her mouth and tells her not to scream, because the nearest other people are six miles away. Prue wants him to remove her blindfold also. Bane ask her if she's kidding -- he knows about her power. But since we're in the realm of Charmed logic here, in the second he's removing the blindfold anyway, telling her not to "try anything." When the blindfold comes off, Prue gasps for air. Interesting acting choice, Shannen, but shouldn't you have done that when the gag came off? Just a suggestion. Prue asks Bane what he wants. Bane wants her help in saving his life. Prue wonders why he thinks she's going to help him. Bane tells her that without the help of the Halliwells, he doesn't stand a chance against the demon who's after him. Prue thinks this is "a good thing." Bane explains that he almost got killed that day, but he "got lucky and escaped." Just wait twenty minutes, Bane -- you're going to "get lucky" again. I've seen the promos. Prue, glaring at Bane, wonders why a demon would bother with an insignificant "mortal." Bane explains that the demon, named Litvac, wants to kill anyone who knows of his existence. Prue asks where they are. Bane: "My dream [sip] project." He would have finished it if it weren't for those meddling kids, er, Halliwells exposing his criminal activities to the police. Prue: "You don't strike me as a dreamer [sip]." Bane thinks there's a lot about him Prue doesn't know. Prue shows him a "few things" about herself. She give him the stink-eye and flings him across the room against the drywall. She declares that she "will never put [her] sisters in danger." The Halliwells won't help him. Bane puts the blindfold back on her, stating, "Sooner or later you're going to have to trust [sip] me."
Cemetery. Inside a mausoleum, a guy in a black robe with stylin' silver stripes is meditating in front of a big floating fireball. It's Steve Railsback, far, far from his career high playing the title role in 1980's Oscar-nominated film The Stunt Man. He's cast here as the demon Litvac, but we'll call him Wetvac because the character sucks so hard. Wetvac's lackey walks up to Goateed Guard as he enters the mausoleum and complains because GG is late. GG says he had a problem. Lackey figures out that GG screwed up and Bane is still alive. They argue. Wetvac makes his fireball disappear and walks over to chew out his underlings. Lackey makes GG get down on his knees. Wetvac touches his head and the scenes from Bane's escape from prison are played back for him, exactly as they were shot. I hate it when shows do this -- shouldn't these scenes be from Goateed Guard's POV? Right, Charmed logic again. Wetvac declares that he saw what GG saw. (But he didn't.) Lackey and WV are very upset that GG lost his -- ahem -- "weapon." Wetvac immolates GG with his fiery hand and dispatches his lackey to track down Bane by "following his dreams [sip]."
Halliwell Manor. Piper hands Leo "I've Fallen and I Can't Fly Up" Wyatt the ray gun, explaining that the Ps can't find it referenced in the BoS. Leo, in a nice navy blue johnny color sweater, says it's a weapon of some sort. Phoebe, in a red cropped cowl neck sweater and black stretch pants, is surprised. Piper, in a nice pink sweater, is surprised also. Count me in -- for once this season the cast seems to be wearing normal, appealing clothing. Leo can't figure exactly which demon the weapon belongs to, though. Phoebe goes back upstairs for more research. Piper walks Leo to the door and thanks him for his help, and his assistance running the club during her dilemma. He hugs her, and wishes that he could do more. TO HELP PRUE. Leo leaves. Piper leans against the shut door in the foyer and pines for him. On the porch, Leo looks longingly at the door and touches it gently. I know I'm supposed to be going, aw, how sweet, but to be honest the scene reminded me of the episode of The Simpsons where Rod and Todd Flanders encounter the automatic entrance to the Kwik-E-Mart and chirp, "Thank you, door!" So Leo is all, "Thank you, door!" to the piece of wood protecting his true love from the cruel outside world, and he departs.
Unconsummated Condo. Bane is all blah blah Prue is in danger now too wah wah she has to help him yaw yaw. Prue says she can take care of herself. Bane says she needs her sisters. Prue won't get them involved. Bane knows they'll come looking for her. Prue: "Not if I can help it." She falls forward in a trance.
Halliwell Manor. Attic. The docile Ps leaf through the BoS. They identify the ray gun as a weapon carried by lower-level demons that work for higher demons. Suddenly the book turns its pages to an entry titled "Mariners." Phoebe notes that they "aren't demons, they're seafarers." Piper angrily notes this as a sign (sip) because Dan played ball for the Seattle Mariners. Phoebe: "No one feels worse than I do right now." Au contraire. Owen wanly and drunkenly raises his hand from his prone position on the sofa and whimpers. Just then, Astral Prue appears. Her sisters greet her and are pleased that she's okay. Prue tells them not to go looking for her, because Bane has set "a trap." Then she disappears.
Unconsummated Condo. Prue wakes up. Bane takes off her blindfold and tells her she passed out. Prue: "Feeling guilty? That's a good sign [sip]. You have a conscience." Bane decides to untie Prue and let her go, because she can't help him if she won't trust (sip) him. He doesn't want her to be in danger. Ruh roh! Lackey runs into the room and shoots at them with his ray gun. Bane grabs Prue to shield her, and they both fall back onto some conveniently placed cardboard boxes. Prue telekinetically redirects the ray gun's beam, then flings the lackey through the window. Bane clutches his stomach. There's blood on his shirt from where he fell on his side on top of a saw blade. Antonio wails, "My abs! My flawless washboard abs!" Actually, he just winces in pain. Prue realizes that he saved her life. Bane: "Do you think you can trust [sip] me now?" Prue contemplates.
Mentos brings us the "First Chewy Strong Mint." The secret ingredient? Crack.
Halliwell Manor. Darryl has returned, and follows Piper into the sunroom. Phoebe turns on a TV with a remote control. A reporter is babbling a report about a prisoner escaping earlier that day from the county jail. His name is Bane Jessup, and he was awaiting trial for racketeering, money laundering, and embezzlement. Okay, so we finally know what Bane was arrested for -- because as I said in the "Ms. Hellfire" recap, there wasn't any evidence to convict him for arranging the hit on the Halliwells. Darryl thinks the news breaking out is "a nightmare." Piper: "Welcome to our world." Word. Phoebe chirps, "Want some aspirin?" No, Darryl says he wants Prue "safe" and Bane "back in jail." Do they know what the ray gun is yet? The docile Ps tell him they don't, but they have been contacted by Prue. She's definitely been kidnapped by Bane. Darryl gives Piper a big manila folder full of copies he made from Bane's DA file, and tells them it might help. The phone rings. Phoebe answers. It's someone calling for a "Leonora Watkins." Piper grabs the phone, says, "Wrong number," and hangs up. Darryl suggests that they use Bane's information to track down Prue (as if that might not occur to them). Piper just hopes Bane's not hurting Prue.
Unconsummated Condo. Prue is holding a bandage to Bane's wound. He's in pain. Bane tells her to forget about him and go home before Wetvac's lackey comes back. Prue is pretty sure he's gone for good. Bane tells her to leave. She says she can't until she knows he's okay. Prue's sudden change of heart wouldn't have anything to do with Antonio's shirtfront being open, exposing his rock-hard pectorals and well-defined six-pack stomach, now could it? Naw . . . Prue says that Wetvac probably expects them to have fled their hideout already, so staying there is the safest bet. She awkward-segues from talk of them "taking off" to requesting that Bane "take off" his pants. Bane: "Excuse me?" Prue says she needs "to get to the . . . wound," although isn't she already putting pressure on it without any problem? Prue threatens Bane with the threat of infection, and "besides, [she] can always take [his] pants off by force." Ugh, please don't trigger unpleasant memories of the prom scenes in Zapped! The Flute of Whimsical Badinage warbles. Bane smirks at Prue. Prue smirks at Bane. I think we all know where this is going.
Halliwell Manor. Sunroom. Phoebe carries the BoS in. She's getting "everywhere and nowhere," whatever that means. Piper, looking through Bane's file, has found a money-laundering scheme based on a real estate development -- exclusive custom homes. She shows Pheebs the brochure. Noting that it's named "Mariner's Bluff," she attempts to quip, "I'm sure the seafarers will be really happy here." Piper says, "Wha?" and makes Phoebe repeat the "love choice" spell she cast earlier. Phoebe does so, in a quick sing-song manner. Piper suggests that the signs (sip) they've been receiving have nothing to do with Dan and Leo, but "everything to do with Prue." She asks where Mariner's Bluff is. Pheebs tells her Bodega Bay. Batman repeats the other signs (sip): Mariners, Bodega Bay, Leonora Watkins. Robin finds a "Watkin's Exit" on the map to the condos. Batman thinks they've almost found the Riddler's lair! Robin looks at the map of the condo project. Batman asks him if the lost are numbered. Suddenly the television turns on of its own accord, and a newscaster reports, "In an exhibition game last night, the Mariners lost to the Angels 8 to 7." Robin sighs, and thinks that they're now back to choosing between Batgirl and Catwoman. Batman: "No, Robin. 8 to 7. Get it? 827. Lot 827." Robin finds the lot number on the map. Batman will drive them there in the Bat Sports Utility Vehicle.
Unconsummated Condo. Bane asks Prue once again why she's sticking around. Prue: "You just took off your pants and I got to see your toned and cut quadriceps, glutes and calves . . ." Or rather, it's because she "believes" him. Bane thanks her for "believing in" him. Hey, I think we should drink now anyway -- "believing in yourself" talk is close enough. Sip. Sip. Prue thinks maybe he's stopped "believing in" himself. Sip. Bane blathers that he wasn't always a criminal "like this;" he "had dreams [sip] once. Big dreams [sip]." Prue thinks it's "not too late to change." Bane tells her it's too late for him, but not for her. She should "go, so [she] can have [her] dreams [sip]." Prue: "Easier said than done." She prattles that her "dreams [sip] may be just that -- dreams [sip]." Bane doesn't believe (sip) that. They kiss. Bane winces. Did his tongue get caught between Shannen's tombstone caps? Nope, she touched his -- ahem -- wound. Prue is "sorry." Bane is "not." They mack some more.
Mausoleum. Wetvac touches Lackey's head and the ray gun attack at the condo is played back in the same shots we saw earlier. Hello, it's called POV, producers -- look into it. Wetvac says something threatening and menacing to try to entice a few of us to come back and watch the conclusion of this ep after we channel-surf during the commercials.
The last time Roman Polanski lensed his untalented bovine French bride Emmanuelle Seigner, the result was Bitter Moon -- for my money, the only flick to seriously challenge Showgirls as the definitive camp hoot of the '90s. Needless to say, I'll be catching The Ninth Gate. If you hear me snickering in the fifth row from the front of the theater, don't you dare shush me.
Consummated Condo. The camera pans over Bane and Prue's discarded clothes on the floor. How original. I haven't seen that post-coital shot on television in the last five hours. Bane wakes up with his nether regions covered by a painter's drop cloth and notices that Prue isn't to him. I guess they rutted on the floor like dogs. Cut to Prue looking out the window in her t-shirt and Bane's black boxers. He wraps the sheet around his middle and approaches her. She says, "The view is amazing," although I'm sure everything is currently amazing to her -- she finally got laid after nine months of celibacy. Besides, which view is better, the blue screen they have yet to super-impose the ocean upon, or the muscled torso of man-candy off to her right? Bane worries that Prue "might have left." Prue "just couldn't find all of [her] clothes." Way to play coy, honey -- as if the camera hadn't already shown us all of your clothes in plain view on the floor of this unfinished, unfurnished room. She has decided to help this known criminal defeat the demon Wetvac, since she now has five fluid ounces of endorphins coursing through her brain. But he has to promise to turn himself back in to the police afterwards. Bane suggests that they just run off together. Prue seriously considers this, but thinks that Bane is suddenly striking her as "a dreamer [sip]." They kiss.
Suddenly Bane freezes. The docile Ps enter. Piper does her best Janice-from-Friends: "Oh. My. God." Prue is all "what the?" Phoebe explains, "We're rescuing you from the tall, dark, and naked man." Tee hee. Prue gets her bitch on, because she told them to stay away. Phoebe knows "why now, because he's yummy." Piper can't believe how worried they were, because they'd really thought Prue had been kidnapped. Prue says she was. Piper points and harshes, "Panties." My world goes black for a moment. When I come to, Prue's waving her Monica Lewinsky thong around, telling the docile Ps they have it all "wrong." Piper: "Oh, yeah. It's a trap." Go, Piper! Phoebe adds: "A tall, dark, and naked trap!" Groan. Alyssa, why is it that whenever you get a rare funny line, you feel you have to milk it by saying it twice? Stop. Now. Piper tells her sisters they need to book because a demon's on his way. Prue asks how they know about the demon. Phoebe says they know that a demon broke Bane out of jail. Prue tells them the demon's trying to kill Bane. Piper: "So he says." Prue says it's true, because she was there when Lackey tried to kill him. Piper reiterates their need to book. Prue tells her to unfreeze Bane. The docile Ps need to know why. Prue wants to help him by bringing him back to the manor. Piper grudgingly unfreezes Bane. Bane tells Piper and Phoebe that it's "nice to see [them] again." Piper tells him to put his clothes on. As much as I regret saying this -- shut up, Piper. Piper puts her hands over Phoebe's eyes and makes her turn her back.
Halliwell Manor. Bane walks in wearing his bloody shirt and asks if the Halliwells have any peroxide. Phoebe thinks it's in the pantry, because she's a moron. Prue tells him to try the upstairs bathroom. Bane thanks her and leaves the parlor. The Ps have a processing summit. The docile Ps think that Prue's lost her mind. Prue explains that she still has her mind, but it's pickled in endorphins. Or rather, she "knows an innocent when she sees one. And [she] trusts [sip] [him]." Besides, regardless of which side Bane is on, a demon needs to be vanquished. Phoebe wants to "minimize any surprises." Prue tells her to help by trying to find info on Wetvac in the BoS.
Consummated Condo. Wetvac stands there in his William Rehnquist-ish silver-trimmed commencement gown, looking around. His lackey is in tow.
Halliwell Manor. Bathroom. Bane finds the peroxide. When he shuts the medicine cabinet, he sees Wetvac behind him in the mirror reflection. Wetvac tells Bane that he's appearing through "a telepathic connection." Bane wonders how he found him. Westvaco says that he located Bane's "essence" -- his "dream [sip] house reeks of it." Bane explains that he unfortunately didn't get to shower after shagging with Prue. Actually, he just listens to Wetvac restate his plans to kill Bane. Bane isn't "scared." Wetvac notes that Bane's essence isn't the only one he's found at the condo. Wetvac: "You bedded a witch. Not just any witch -- one of the Charmed Ones." Ah, forget "essences," I smell a spinoff -- You Bedded A Witch!, coming this fall to the WB (tm Wing). Wetvac offers an exchange: Bane's life for the Charmed Ones. Bane: "Screw you." He smashes Wetvac's reflection in the mirror. Wetvac: "I'm evil, just like you are. Bring me the witches and my weapon, and I'll give you all your dreams [sip]." Prue knocks at the door. Bane comes out. He was just "washing up."
Parlor. Prue and Bane go downstairs. Phoebe's found Wetvac mentioned in the BoS, but no information on how to defeat him. She gives the stink-eye to Bane and warns him that "our jewelry better be where it's supposed to be." As if Bane could pawn or fence your plastic trinkets, honey. Prue tells everyone to "focus." Piper wants to let "bad enough alone." She nixes the idea of going up against a demon of unknown powers. Besides, she notes, Wetvac doesn't know about them. Bane says that he does. The Ps gape at him. He explains that Lackey probably told him about Prue. Prue says that doesn't mean he knows about the docile Ps. Bane says that Wetvac "knows enough" and he'll come after them. Prue asks Bane if he knows what Wetvac's powers are. Bane has "no idea." He asks them if they have the ray gun. Piper: "Why? Only a demon can activate it." Bane says he activated it before, he can activate it again. Prue emits her best Jennifer Keatonish, "Yeah." Bane thinks that the docile Ps think that he's lying. Phoebe gives him her best "sure, Kevin Spacey, I'm buying that you're straight" look and asks him what he thinks. Bane gets his bitch on and says, "If you don't trust [sip] me, fine. But trust [sip] this: I've had it with all this supernatural crap, and I'll do whatever I can to get out from under." That "worries" Phoebe. Prue: "You know what? I trust [sip] him, and I'm asking you guys to trust [sip] me." She tells her sisters that they all have to work together, or they're "all dead." The docile Ps go to retrieve the ray gun. Prue kisses Bane and follows them out of the room. Wetvac appears as an apparition. Bane tells him that "we're on our way." Word -- if he means viewers on their way to alcohol poisoning.
Three-fourths of the way through the show, and Excedrin's bought a spot to shill their new FDA-approved migraine reliever. I know an ad-scheduling person who deserves a raise.
Cemetery. Night. The Halliwells, arms linked, walk five paces behind Bane like Iranian housewives. Prue quips, "He lives in a cemetery, how cliché." Two words, honey: Glass. House. Phoebe: "At least it's not a warehouse -- again." Excuse me? How many demons have we seen this season that lived in either cemeteries or warehouses? None. Are the lazy Ps getting their show mixed up with Buffy again? They should only be so lucky. Piper whines that they have "no plan" and this "isn't such a good idea." Prue explains that the plan is, "Bane goes in and we follow. Piper freezes Litvac. We put the weapon in his hand, and turn it on him." Bane asks for the Halliwells to give him the ray gun. Phoebe doesn't think so. Bane explains that it's the "only way for [him] to stay alive" so she should show "some good faith." Trust, faith, close enough. Sip. Phoebe explains that Bane's double-crossing has created "bad faith." Sip. Prue moans that they've "been through this." Piper insists that Phoebe give Bane the ray gun. She does. Phoebe gives him another "sure, Kevin, why wouldn't we believe in your heterosexuality, since you affirmed it to vehemently in every known media outlet" look of distrust. Bane walks up to the mausoleum and opens it by turning the nines in the marker upside down so they say "666." Hee. The door opens. Bane tells the Ps to wait for his signal. He adds: "Trust [sip] me." Phoebe gives him one last "sure, Kevin, because you've gone on about how you like to frequent titty bars" glare. She hopes they're not "making a huge mistake." The Ps enter the crypt.
Mausoleum. Interior. Wetvac is sitting in his chorus-member-from-a-dinner-theater-production-of-Godspell robe, leafing through a book while his lackey paces around in front of him. Bane walks in and greets him. WV puts down the book and says hey. Lackey points his -- titter -- ray gun at Bane. WV tells him to back off. Bane wants to give WV the lost ray gun, hoping he'll be "spared." WV says he'll "take more than [that]." Bane shouts, "Now!" Piper jumps from behind a pillar and freezes the tableau. Lackey, Bane and WV remain still. Piper, wanting to "get this over with," goes to retrieve the ray gun from WV. WV is still active. Piper, hooting in fear, returns to the hiding place of the lazy Ps. WV proclaims himself "immune to the parlor tricks of witches." Didn't Bane tell them? Prue is sure that Bane "didn't know." WV says that Bane definitely knew, and he showed the Halliwells his "true colors." He whacks the Ps with an anvil by further elaborating, "His EVIL COLORS." WV conjures up a fireball in his palm, I guess to forge more ironworks. Phoebe tells Prue she's "really pissed" at her. Prue tells them to "wait," because "something's not right." Wetvac, "pleasing his source," enlarges the fireball. Prue asks Piper to unfreeze Bane. Piper's skeptical, but does it anyway. Bane walks up to frozen Lackey and shoots the ray gun he's holding at Wetvac. Prue smirks and tells Wetvac to tell "the source we said hi." Wetvac shoots his ray gun at the lackey. Bane ducks out of the crossfire. Both Wetvac and Lackey explode into flames. The Ps gape. Prue walks over to Bane and helps him up. Piper asks what happened here. Prue explains that Bane "saved [their] lives." Prue and Bane beam at each other. Bane explained that he had it all planned; if he had told them about Wetvac's powers, they would have had to plan another attack, because Wetvac was telepathic. The sister witches had to believe they'd been double-crossed. Prepare to take a big sip here, folks. Piper asks how Prue "figured it out in time." Prue: "Hello, endorphins!" No, really she looks at Bane and explains, "We, ah . . . trust [sip] . . . each other." The docile Ps display "oh" looks.
Halliwell Manor. Sunroom. Prue and Bane sit on a wicker settee. Bane has called Darryl to take him back to jail because it's "the right thing to do." He apologizes for kidnapping her. Prue tells him not to, because she's "not sorry." They neck. Prue thanks him for saving her life. Bane thanks her for saving his. Prue crawls onto his lap, almost splitting her Bedazzled jeans, and they embrace.
P3 After Dark. We pan across the patrons and notice Leo tending bar. Cut to Piper and Phoebe sitting in cocktail dresses in an alcove. Phoebe, sporting her headband made of red-hots again, ponders who "the source" is. Piper doesn't want to know. She notes that, "Boy, did we read Bane wrong." Phoebe is upset about reading all of the signs (sip) wrong. Prue, in a tight printed dress with nasty ruffled straps and a French braid so tight her eyebrows are almost even for once, joins them. She expositions about the cops taking Bane away. Phoebe asks her if she's okay. Prue's happy, because "he thanked [her] for saving his life" Phoebe sticks her foot in her mouth yet again and exclaims, "You must have been a very good --" "-- influence on him," Piper finishes. Prue notes that the "influence was mutual." She asks the docile Ps how they located her, anyway. Phoebe admits that she cast a spell to help Piper, but it ended up helping them find Prue. Prue asks Piper which of her beaux she's decided to choose. Piper: "I never needed a sign [sip] to tell me where my heart lies." She glances over at Leo. He beams at her. Piper smiles knowingly at her sisters. A slab of hard cheese the size of the TransAmerica building is deposited on top of Dan "The Juice" Gordon. End.