UC Berkeley? Could Phoebe have possibly been accepted? What college is this? Anyway, we're in a classroom. A professor is lecturing about sex in the animal kingdom, citing an example of "lions mating every hour for a week straight." Cut to Phoebe "Suddenly Student" Halliwell, in an eggplant-colored Danskin top with diamond-shaped cut-outs running down the sleeves, leering over at a guy with major bed-head and permanently flared Scott Foley-ish nostrils. The professor, still blathering about the anvil, er animal mating rituals, states that the process begins when a creature "gets the attention of the object of its desires." Phoebe does a smirk and a hair toss in Bedhead's direction. The professor: "there must be a sign that interest is mutual." Down the row of students, ersatz Knoll looks over at Phoebe. Before he can make his move, we cut to three girls -- a redhead, a blonde and a brunette -- sitting behind her who are laughing over a big red book of spells titled Bewitched, which I bet is an actual tome you can buy at Hallmark card stores. Phoebe whines, "What's up with my study group having fun without me?" The redheaded girl apologizes, explaining that Phoebe "looked busy." The professor wraps his lecture up. Bedhead walks over to brown-nose him. Phoebe asks the girls if they're holding a book of love spells. Red says yes, she found it in a Valentine's Day display at the campus bookstore. Since she and her friends are "dateless" this year, she thought it might provide some "laughs." Phoebe reads from the book and giggles to herself. The girls wonder what's the big. Phoebe explains that the spells are "written wrong -- they're backwards. First you say what's lacking, then what's needed." She corrects a spell from the book aloud, providing the first of this episode's many Hallmark moments: From the stroke of twelve to twenty-four/ That's how long this spell is for [sic]/ If to [sic] abate my lonely heart/ Enchant these gifts I thee [sic] impart. She adds a patronizing "you silly mortals" smirk. The girls gape at Pheebs. Perhaps they just discovered the girl knows how to read? No, they're surprised at her knowledge of witchcraft. Phoebe explains that she's "doing a paper" on it. She changes the subject by handing the girls a red, crudely written construction paper flyer advertising a "P3 V-Day Party." Although the flyer looks like it was drawn by a pre-schooler, the girls think the event looks "cool." They leave. Phoebe says hi to Bedhead as he walks past her. She hands him a retarded flyer also, telling him that there's a "party tomorrow night" and he "should come." Bedhead, taking after Knoll in more ways than one, responds rudely: "Why?" Phoebe vamps at him, "Because I'll be there," and walks out.
Dormitory. Red, Blonde, and Brunette stand together in a darkened room with a pentagram drawn in front of them. The outline is circled with candles, and a pig, a snake, and a rabbit sit inside of it. The girls join hands and exposition about casting "a joke spell" to turn animals into men to be their dates. Why did Brunette choose a pig? Because it's an "intelligent species." Red brought a rabbit; the girls tease their horny friend because they "know why." Blonde warns her to "keep her fingers clear, in case he scratches" -- that's why she brought a snake. They recite the spell straight from their Hallmark book. Nothing happens. Red remembers Phoebe's corrected spell. She plays back Phoebe's voice from her tape of the professor's class lecture. With the help of flash powder and a quick edit, the animals turn into three naked men. The girls gape.
Credits. Funny how Luke Perry and Holly Marie Combs both sport facial scratch scars that bisect their right eyebrows. Funny also how they've both worked with Shannen Doherty.
Hanging Up, now in theaters. For those of y'all who don't get enough of their weekly quotient of sisterly shrieking and tittering from this program.
Caterwauling, establishing shots, and the knowledge that Christopher Wiehl -- that cute, buff WB Player who recently played Carmen's college-dropout older brother on Popular and was in a first season episode of Buffy as "Owen" -- is a guest star tonight. Halliwell Manor. Kitchen. Piper "The Wind Beneath His Clipped Wings" Halliwell is (natch) cleaning up breakfast dishes when Prue "Going, Going . . . Gone!" Halliwell slinks in all sleepy-eyed in her cropped pink tank top and pj bottoms. Prue grabs a cup of coffee while Piper teases her because "What's wrong with this picture?" Phoebe's already "up and on campus" while Prue's "footloose and office-free." Prue states her plans for the day: doing "nothing." Piper is envious of this, because she's "always in the middle of something." Prue tries to comfort her. Piper whines about how difficult Valentine's Day will be for her this year. Prue "completely forgot" about the holiday. She beams, because that means she's "doing nothing already." Piper's flummoxed because Dan wants to have Valentine's Day dinner with her, and Leo is mortal now and "back in the picture." Prue tells her sister that she's "with" Piper "whatever and whoever [she] chooses." I believe the "WHATEVER" in that statement refers to Piper possibly choosing Dan.
Dormitory. This little Pig Boy is running around naked, squealing that he "needs to eat!" Brunette looks disgruntled at Pig Boy. Rabbit Boy comes out of Red's bedroom, all sweaty-chested, bragging about "another satisfied customer." Ew. Brunette tells Pig Boy to calm down, because Blonde will be back soon with more food. Snake Boy -- Christopher Wiehl -- sits naked on the couch, plotting what the three ani-males should do . He berates the other guys for "acting like animals." Brunette grits at him that "that's what [they] are." Snake Boy: "Not anymore." He wants to take a "test drive" in his new body. Snake Boy walks out of the dorm room with Pig Boy and Rabbit Boy in tow, despite Brunette's protestations. The passers-by in the hallway all gape at the naked men. Wait a minute -- isn't this Berkeley? Wasn't there a Naked Guy student a few years back who made it a point to go to all of his classes nude? Is this really a big deal on this campus? While I ponder that and leer at CW's defined pecs, the ani-males run into Bedhead, carrying a full laundry basket. They take it from him and push him down to the floor. Bedhead, touching his cut forehead, whines to the ani-males to "try covering up, dude!"
P3 After Dark. Piper stumbles toward the bar, carrying a huge heart-shaped funeral-type rose arrangement. She spots a wee bouquet of wildflowers sitting on the bar in front of her, and wonders aloud, for the radio listeners, who they might possibly be for. This cues Leo "Heavenly Dog" Wyatt to pop up in front of her, and admit that the flowers are his gift for Piper. Although he currently has no identification, money or means of transportation, he wanted to give her something. She tells him she has something for him, too -- his first paycheck "in cash." Leo thanks her, and notes that he's still "working for the Charmed Ones." Is his new job in the bar "awkward" for her? Piper: "What's there to be awkward about?" Just then, Leo spots "Diaper" Dan Gordon walking into the club with an elaborate bouquet of pink tea roses. Leo takes some glasses to the back room. Dan puts down the flowers and (natch) starts to mack with Piper. He reminds her about their plans that night, and she thanks him. As they embrace, he spots Leo coming to the front of the bar. Does Piper have something to tell Dan? Piper LIES and says, "No." Leo walks up. Ruh roh! Piper considers the WWVMD? -- "What Would Valerie Malone Do?" bracelet on her wrist. Piper admits that she "meant" to tell Dan that she hired Leo as a "handyman, bar back, security, et cetera" guy for the club, since he "needed a place to stay." It's "not a big deal." Au contraire, to Dan "it is." He bitches at her for calling out Leo's name at the hospital in the last episode. He asks her how he should react to Leo's presence? Piper "doesn't know," but empathizes with him, and adds that she's looking forward to spending Valentine's Day evening with him. His ego placated, Dan leaves.
Halliwell Manor. Parlor. Prue, in a tank top, Daisy Dukes, and really cute polar bear slippers, is curled up in an armchair, trying to scare up a friend on the cell phone to do something with. No responses. She looks over at a vase on the left side of the fireplace mantle. Cut to Prue looking dissatisfied. Cut to the vase on the mantle, now sitting on the RIGHT side. Prue telekinetically moves the tchotchke to the left, then back again to the right. Why do I notice this continuity error? I'm as bored as she is. And I GET IT. The cell phone rings. It's Phoebe, calling from campus. She asks how Prue's "doing." Prue admits that she's "not good," and wonders how Phoebe "managed" alone in the house for so long. Phoebe, not really answering the question put before her, because she's a moron: "That house is only big enough for one home-bound Halliwell." She adds that she's on the way to class, and asks if her study group called. They stood her up for "section." Prue tells her no one's called. Phoebe notices Pig Boy run in front of her towards a food vendor's grill. Pig Boy grabs a handful of hot dogs and throws them in the air, exclaiming, "Run, my brothers! Run free!" She giggles, because this is high comedy in Phoebe Halliwell's America. Prue asks Phoebe to meet her for lunch. Phoebe declines, and ends the phone call. Suddenly she spots Rabbit Boy attacking a co-ed and runs over to them. She taps Rabbit Boy on the shoulder and asks if there's "a problem." Pheebs has a B&W psychic vision of Snake Boy biting a girl in the neck. She snaps out of it and kickboxes Rabbit Boy to the ground, away from the girl he was accosting. Rabbit Boy, clad in that jeans and suede vest look that Bono could never really pull off (and what was suede doing in Bedhead's laundry basket?), runs away from Pheebs. Phoebe bolts across the campus after him. Rabbit Boy jumps twenty feet up onto an embankment wall and looks down at her. Phoebe gapes. Note to Alyssa Milano: The title role of Buffy The Vampire Slayer was cast four years ago with an actress named Sarah Michelle Gellar. You can stop auditioning now.
P3AD. Prue, now clad in tan stretch pants and an unbuttoned red linen shirt tied under her unfettered bosom, walks dejectedly into the club. She spots Piper making a bow out of red ribbon and jokes about "canceling [her] Martha Stewart subscription." Prue plops down on a divan to watch Piper work, and asks her if she can help. Piper thought she was "doing nothing." Prue says, "I'm done." Piper: "You can't finish doing nothing." Prue: "So how can you know when you're done?" Piper interrupts this Family Circus School of Philosophy to get Prue's help tying the bow on Dan's Valentine's Day present -- a book on San Francisco architecture. Prue wonders what Piper got Leo. Piper didn't think about getting Leo anything. Phoebe suddenly bursts in, blathering about the premonition she had and how she witnessed Rabbit Boy jumping over a wall. She senses a job for the Charmed Ones. Piper whines and reminds the lazy Ps about her Valentine's Day plans with Dan, holding up the book for Phoebe to see. Phoebe: "Oh honey, is that what he got you? Nice, but a bit impersonal." Piper plotzes. Phoebe sticking her other foot in her mouth: "What did you get Leo?" Piper throws ribbon at her sisters.
Dormitory Hallway. Blonde, Brunette, and Red are walking toward their room; Brunette, worried, wants to solve the ani-male problem by "turning them back." Blonde and Red remind her that they'll turn back on their own accord when the spell wears off at midnight. They enter the room. Snake Boy, Rabbit Boy, and Pig Boy are sitting on the sofa looking at the Hallmark Book of Spells. Snake Boy demands to know how long they will be human. The girls admit that the ani-males have "twelve hours left." Snake Boy tells them to "fix it" because he wants to "stay like this." Rabbit Boy concurs. Blonde says that she "might know how." She tells them about her friend Phoebe, and shows them the P3AD VD Party flyer. Red tells the ani-males that they might be able to find Phoebe at her house. Brunette doesn't think any of this is a good idea. Snake Boy tells Blonde and Red to "go ahead, we'll catch up." After they leave, Snake Boy and Rabbit Boy grab Brunette while she shrieks. Way to look out for your friend and roommate, Blonde and Red. How endorphin-addled are y'all?
Wow. I thought the random testing of the vocabulary skills of lingerie models ended in failure months ago. Now we have Laetitia, who thinks the word 'desire' "could mean everything." That's okay, sweetie, brains aren't all that. Just remember: if you ever need a million dollars, you're sitting on it.
Hallmark Store (natch). Phoebe and Piper walk in, carrying designer coffees. They check out the card display. Piper's looking for a card for Leo that says, "You used to be my White Lighter, but now your wings are clipped and you're sleeping in my club." Phoebe suggests a card that says, "You snooze you lose, now I'm sleeping with the neighbor." Owen suggests a card for this show's scriptwriter that says, "My deepest sympathies on your loss of talent." Phoebe spots a big display of the Bewitched books of spells. The docile Ps look at the book, and complacently patronize silly mortals who "try to mess with magic and not pay the consequences." Phoebe flips to the "Create a Mate" spell. Piper wonders if "normal people" could make the spell work. Phoebe's few lonely synapses fire, and she realizes what might have happened to her friends. She tells Piper that she's going to call Prue. Piper goes back to the card display. She picks up a Hallmark that has a drippy watercolor illustration of a heart on the cover, with the declaration, "For You." Inside, the card states, "Always." Piper thinks, "Now that's a card," like it's a real spicy meatball. She puts it back, and grabs a hokey "To a Dear Friend" card instead. She walks away. Leo walks up to the card display and picks up the "For You -- Anvil, er, Always" card. Hmmm.
P3AD. Piper walks into the club. Rose petals are strewn all over the stairs. The rose petals form a trail toward the VIP alcove. Piper pulls back the curtain. Dan, the paranoid schizophrenic, has cut Prue's throat and stabbed Leo repeatedly in the chest. Oh, my bad. That was Valentine's Day on ER. Behind the curtain is Dan, with an open bottle of "Piper Red Label" champagne for his girlfriend. Piper thinks he's "so sweet." Dan wanted to celebrate their "first holiday -- a holiday created by Hallmark -- but special nonetheless." Uh oh, Dan's badmouthing one of the show's sponsors. Is there a surer sign of a character slipping down the slope toward villainy? Piper hides the "To a Dear Friend" card that's in her hand. Dan wonders if the card's for him. He grabs it from her, reads it and bitches about Piper being "deeply in like" with him. Then he realizes the card's for Leo. But, since he's being fitted for the asshole slot, he bitches at Piper for even buying the card. Piper, to her credit, tells Dan that she "will not end [her] friendship with Leo." She comes with "a past" and Leo's "part of the package." Dan will have to "deal with it." Word! Piper: "You get all of me." Dan, still pissed: "Do I?" Piper considers her WWVMD? bracelet and dismisses Dan, because she "has to get back to work." Dan fuming, stomps out. Piper "just loves Valentine's Day."
Halliwell Manor. Foyer. Rabbit Boy breaks open the door. Snake Boy, Pig Boy, and the girls follow him inside the house. Blonde and Red worry about the ani-males "going too far" and "acting crazy." The ani-males blather about needing to find Phoebe. Pig Boy looks over at Snake Boy and peels some skin off his neck, revealing green reptilian scales underneath. Pig Boy grunts, and his hand turns hoofy. Rabbit Boy grows claws on his fingers. Snake Boy flips a CGI tongue out of his mouth. Blonde and Red freak at seeing the guys turn animal again. Red whines that Brunette was right, and the spell was a mistake. Snake Boy grabs Red and bites her in the neck. She collapses to the floor. Rabbit Boy grabs Blonde. Snake Boy tells her, "The time you want a dangerous man, make sure he's not poisonous." SB bites Blonde also. Pig Boy squeals that "this isn't fun anymore!" Anymore? Snake Boy looks at the retarded P3AD flyer and expositions that they only have four hours before the girls die of the poison, and four hours until the ani-males completely lose their human forms. He blathers about using Phoebe's "scent" to find her. Pig Boy squeals some more. Rabbit Boy and Snake Boy circle around, then grab him and slice some ham. Finally.
Dormitory Hallway. Phoebe and Piper walk in. Standards and Practices has insisted that Shannen throw on a tech vest over her thinly woven "free bird" blouse. Note to self: send them a muffin basket by way of thanks. Prue's prattling about the impossibility of "mortals" casting "spells that actually work." Phoebe knows "something's wrong." Bedhead walks up to them. Phoebe asks about the cut on his head. Bedhead blames it on "some drunk frat guy." Phoebe will see Bedhead at P3 that night. Prue asks what the whole exchange was about. Phoebe: "Love takes a backseat to duty." Prue awkwardly segues about "love" and "backseats" and Phoebe's "conception" as she telekinetically breaks into the study group's dorm room. The lazy Ps look around the place. Prue declares it "a pigsty," although, trust me, I've seen dorm rooms that were far worse. Phoebe picks up the Hallmark spell book. The Ps hear Brunette crying for help from the closet. They open the door. Brunette, gagged and bruised, is tied up in the rabbit cage.
So this Lisa Loeb-ish girl walks into a ladies room. An old man who's been lurking inside insults her breath and offers her a stick of "Big Red" gum. She thanks him. Huh?
Halliwell Manor. Night. The lazy Ps bring Brunette into the house and ask her what's the big. Brunette stammers that the Halliwells "wouldn't understand." The Ps give her patronizing "oh you silly mortal" looks. Brunette admits that the study group recited the spell that "made guys out of animals." Prue asks what the ani-males want. Brunette says that they want to remain human -- and that they're violent and crazy. She adds that "maybe its our fault, for making them what they're not." Phoebe tells Brunette not to "blame [herself] for the actions of other people." Ah, Phoebe, but that's the rub; they're NOT PEOPLE. Phoebe goes to the kitchen to get some stuff to clean Brunette's scratches. She opens the cabinet under the sink and looks for some "hydrogen peroxide" (?!?). Just then Prue spots the broken front door and begins to freak. Phoebe's peroxide search leads her to the pantry, because she's a moron. When she opens the door, Pig Boy's corpse falls on top of her. Prue and Brunette come running while Phoebe shrieks. They see Pig Boy's newly sprouted snout and reason that the "spell's wearing off." Brunette tells the lazy Ps that Snake Boy and Pig Boy are probably headed to the P3AD to try to find Phoebe.
Street. Snake Boy and Pig Boy have run out of gas and flag down a passing motorist. The driver asks them what he can do to help. Snake Boy: "Don't scream." CW is sporting snake-eye contact lenses. Snake Boy strangles the driver. Rabbit Boy opens up the trunk of the car and brags that "papa's got a brand new set of wheels." Wait -- so the ani-males don't understand the whole concept of automobiles running on gasoline, but they have been able to pick up James Brown pop-culture references? Whatever!
P3AD. Piper's on the cell phone with Phoebe. She warns Leo that there's trouble brewing, and he should earmark anyone who comes in looking for Phoebe. Bedhead shows up and (natch) asks for Phoebe. Piper gets snitty at him and tells him to "sit over there, don't move, you'll have a perfect view when she comes in." Leo offers to help Piper out with the situation going down. Piper "doesn't want [him] to get hurt" since he's mortal now. Dan walks up. He asks Piper if she'll be his valentine. She will. Dan: "Let's get started." Piper: "About that --" Dan gets his bitch on, whining that Piper's "kidding." Piper gapes at him. Dan harshes on her that she's going to make some vague excuse about a "life or death situation." Piper: "Actually, I was going to say that I'm running a little late. Please wait at the bar." Go, Piper!
Snake Boy and Rabbit Boy enter the bar. Snake Boy sniffs around for Phoebe's "scent." Brunette and the lazy Ps enter the bar also. Leo comes up to them and asks them to meet up with Piper, who's "de-stressing in the alcove." Phoebe's writing out a reversal spell on a pad. The Ps go off to hold a processing summit. Brunette is left in Leo's care. Tonight's P3AD musical guest, Janice Robinson, starts caterwauling in leather pants and a shag carpet jacket.
Alcove. Piper says she hasn't seen any ani-males, and the only one who asked for Phoebe was Bedhead. Phoebe admits that Bedhead is her date. Piper wonders why the Halliwells always "gather our men at the spot of supernatural smackdowns." Just then, Darryl "Grief of Detectives" Morris shows up. He's interrupting Valentine's Day dinner with his wife to warn the Halliwells about police reports showing men committing acts of violence leading from the campus straight to their club. There's a stolen car parked outside, and the police are on their way. Snake Boy picks up on Phoebe's scent. The Ps notice this. Prue asks Pheebs how "we're doing on the spell." Phoebe bitches about Prue's use of the word "we." Tee hee. Snake Boy and Rabbit Boy approach the alcove. Darryl takes out his gun and walks over to them. In the laziest use of the Astral Prue-jection power yet, Prue goes catatonic so Astral Prue can appear three yards in front of herself and come between Darryl and the ani-males. Phoebe announces that she's completed the wording of the spell. Snake Boy tells Prue that they'd better not try to change the ani-males back, or they'll never be able to find and save Phoebe's girlfriends. Astral Prue yells at Phoebe not to say the spell, but Phoebe closes the alcove curtain and we have a Hallmark Moment anyway: Something wicked in our midst/ In human form these spirits dwell/ Bring forth animals/ Sayeth the spell. The Ps pull back the alcove curtain to reveal a bar full of really bad blue screen effects, trying to convince us that the place is packed with an animal menagerie, including a parrot, a monkey, a rooster, a cow, a cockatoo, a goat, a camel, a tiger, an elephant, etc. Phoebe whines that the spell "worked on everybody!" Piper wails that she doesn't "have a permit for this type of party."
Ah, a Hallmark commercial. They're selling John Gray's new tome of sexist blather. Coincidence? I think not.
P3AD. CGI animals spread out all over the place. Phoebe sings, "Old McPiper had a farm, E-I-E-I-O." Piper snarls back, "That's not how you spell 'farm,' moron." Actually, she just pleads for Pheebs to "fix this" before her club is destroyed. Prue reminds the Ps that they still need to rescue Phoebe's friends before they die of the snake poison. Phoebe notes that it's thirty-five minutes to midnight. Prue remembers the stolen car outside. The hard Ps decide to investigate the car and try to find the girls, while Phoebe casts a spell to turn the club patrons back to humans. The monkey sitting on the bar kisses Phoebe. Piper calls the monkey "Leo" and tells him to kiss someone else. Hee. The hard Ps put the "only snake and rabbit to each other" in boxes and head out to the parking lot. Phoebe asks Piper to freeze the zoo before she leaves. She does. Phoebe announces to the CGI blue screen effects that she "wants them to know" that she's "a vegetarian." And she's "never eaten any of [them]." For one thing, they're really humans turned to animals. For another thing, they're frozen. For yet another thing, Pheebs is a moron.
Parking lot. Prue bitches about having to carry the snake crate, while Piper carries the rabbit. They walk towards a car. Don't ask me how they know which one is the stolen vehicle, but they do.
Inside the bar. A bulldog laps up a martini, so Phoebe tells him in pig latin to "ix-nay on the iquor-lay." Because she's (natch) a moron. More bad blue screen effects. Phoebe tells "everyone" to "remain calm."
Parking lot. Prue telekinetically forces open the trunk. The hard Ps see unconscious Blonde and Red inside. They feel for pulses. The girls are alive, but need medical attention stat.
Inside the bar. Yet another Hallmark Moment from Phoebe: Undo the magic acted here/ Reverse the spell/ So all is clear. Flash powder and a quick edit. The bar patrons are human again.
Parking lot. Flashes of light appear in the animal crates. Snake Boy and Rabbit Boy jump out to attack the hard Ps. Prue shows Rabbit Boy the telekinetic hand, and Roger Moores, "Back off, Thumper." Snake Boy grabs Piper from behind and tries to bite her neck. Prue tells her to "hold on." She flings Snake Boy, holding Piper, against the side of the club. They fall back to the ground. Snake Boy, dazed, releases Piper. Rabbit Boy leaps toward Prue, who kicks him away. Piper slams Snake Boy in the balls with a two-by-four, asking him "how it feels to be a man now." Then she freezes the ani-males, suggesting that they re-position "Mr. Poison" to "Thumper" so they attack each other. Prue has "a better idea."
Cut to a police car in front of the club. Darryl cuffs the ani-males and puts them in the backseat of the squad car. Rabbit Boy is happy to be "human for good now." Snake Boy tells him to shut up. The car pulls away. The Ps watch with their arms folded, faces smirking. In case we didn't GET IT, Prue states that the ani-males will now be "treated like humans." Phoebe adds, "And caged like them, too." Darryl expositions that Phoebe's friends are at the hospital, and they'll be okay. He won't ask the Halliwells how they were found. The Ps walk back into the nightclub blathering about Valentine's Day and their dates.
Inside the bar. Janice caterwauls about the "search for love." Phoebe dances with Bedhead. Prue provides the Lesson of the Day about learning "how exhausting not having a job could be." Piper tells her to go bus a table. Once again, GO PIPER! Prue ignores this, and continues to prattle about her discovery that she "likes being busy, but [needs] to find what [she] loves being busy at." Piper: "Speaking of getting busy, check out little sister." They look over at Phoebe and Bedhead. Prue just hopes she "doesn't do eighties dancing." Whatever that means. Prue goes home. Cut to Bedhead and Phoebe. He notices a stray feather stuck in her hair and plucks it out. She makes up a lame excuse for it being there. Bedhead doesn't say anything, probably assuming that her head's stuffed with them.
Cut to Dan and Piper at the bar. Piper tells him she has to take time out for her job and her family. Dan will just "have to deal." In reply, Dan tells Piper, "Realize who I am. Sometimes I get jealous. That's just who I am. Work with me, yes, but change me . . ." Run, Piper, run! Piper just LotD's in reply, "Relationships are hard work." Dan segues the conversation to his "empty stomach." They decide to head to dinner. Piper tells him to go on ahead, because she forgot her purse. Piper walks over to her evening bag, which has been sitting in the VIP alcove unattended. Is that really wise? Somebody's put a Hallmark card (natch) on top of it. It's the "For You / Always" card from Leo. We see he's written something in first-grade block print, and hear his voice-over: "Blah blah when I met you I was your handyman yadda yadda now I'm your handyman again wah wah same guy you fell in love with prattle prattle remember that I'm not giving up blather." The scene goes slo-mo as Piper stares past the crowd at Leo behind the bar. Some song about "moving heaven" that Warner Brothers Music is trying to foist on us starts blaring, and the two of them move toward each other and kiss from forty-three different camera angles. Then we cut back to Piper looking at Leo behind the bar. Oh burn. It was just a sweeps month tease fantasy. Piper goes off to meet Dan. I hope Piper didn't forget her sunglasses; Dan's behavior is starting to make me envision a Ron-Nicole-OJ scenario.