Awakened

S02E12

By Owen

P3 After Dark. A huge crowd (natch) is assembled in front, walking backwards out the door so their looks of disgust aren’t registered on camera. Inside, "Typhoid" Piper Halliwell stands behind the bar, chopping up some strange prickly fruit while coughing into her hand. Ew. Phoebe "Kid in the" Halliwell walks into the bar, straight off the set of Ponette in her fuzzy pink poncho and matching purple polka-dot knit hat. Piper’s "so glad" to see her. Phoebe: "Because I can work tonight, or because I am now officially Phoebe Halliwell, registered college student?" She whips out her schedule to show Piper. Um, excuse me, but unless this is a community college she’s attending, Phoebe could not have just applied for admission, gotten accepted, and registered within one week. Whatever! At least she’s getting out of the house. Phoebe shows Piper her schedule because she’s "not sure what [she] should take." Piper notes that Pheebs has signed up for two general classes and seven electives. Phoebe admits that she’s "a little confused." Piper coughs up a loogie in response. Pheebs asks if she’s okay. Piper says she just has a little cough. Phoebe berates her for not taking care of herself in the last few days. Piper pooh-poohs her, and assures her sister that she’s doing fine, and so is the club, they’re making money. She asks her to take over chopping the fruit. Phoebe asks what is it is. Piper replies: "Kiwuano. It comes from South America. Great for mai tais. The bartender has a connection at the docks." Phoebe gapes. Piper assures her that "it’s fruit, not drugs." Phoebe, with the chopping knife her hand, starts gesturing with it in Piper’s face that she needs to rest, because "just because you’re a witch, does not mean you’re invincible." Piper: "Thank you, doctor." Phoebe: "Doctor Phoebe Halliwell. I like that." I don’t -- the girl couldn’t even control a butcher knife, let alone a scalpel. Piper laughs at Phoebe.

Buckland’s Auction House. Jack "Tripper" Sheridan and Prue "Frock" Halliwell examine a painting, assumed to be a Monet. Prue is impressed by the "delicate powdery interpretations, combined with great vigor and expressiveness." The hell? Jack is impressed by Prue’s ass, since that what he’s obviously examining as Prue bends over the picture. He banters: "Great vigor, huh? Randy little painter, was he?" Prue finds the "rounded smokestacks" in the painting to be unusual for the artist, though "beautifully rendered." Jack "has no complaints from [his] view, either." Prue turns around and gets her bitch on: "Is everything with you sexual?" Jack defends himself by saying that he "can’t help" thinking about Prue in that way, and he wants to know where he "stands" with her. The VP walks into the room before Prue can respond. He cracks the whip over them to provide authentification for the painting right away, because he already has eight potential buyers interested. Prue assures him that they’re "right where we should be. Don’t worry about us."

P3AD. Pheebs is following Piper around, berating her for not taking it easy. Piper believes that the club might be over the "occupancy limit" and starts throwing a little fit. We see a blurry POV shot of frat-boy two-stepping extras, and Piper collapses onto the floor. Phoebe demands someone to "call 911!"

Credits. Every time I see Greg Vaughan do that smirk, I want to poke his eyes out.

Leonardo Di Caprio in a hot romance with talented French siren Virginie Le Doyen? Why isn’t this flick called The Beard?

Hospital. In lieu of the usual establishing shots we cut almost immediately to Piper, lying unconscious on flattering hot pink sheets in a hospital bed, while Prue paces nervously by her bedside and Tori Amos caterwauls on the soundtrack. Prue’s wearing a very hideous lime green Ye Olde Renaissance Faire blouse (tm Sep) with a matching headband that’s not doing its job of keeping Shannen Doherty’s uneven bangs out of her eyes. Piper awakens. Prue greets her and grabs her hand. Piper doesn’t remember passing out; she asks what’s wrong with her. Prue says they’re waiting for her test results. Piper thinks she probably has something "trendy like mono or Epstein-Barr." Prue surprisingly doesn’t take this as a cue to ask Piper what year she thinks she’s in, and who the President is. Piper wonders where Phoebe is.

Credits. Every time I see Greg Vaughan do that smirk, I want to poke his eyes out.

Leonardo Di Caprio in a hot romance with talented French siren Virginie Le Doyen? Why isn't this flick called The Beard?

Hospital. In lieu of the usual establishing shots we cut almost immediately to Piper, lying unconscious on flattering hot pink sheets in a hospital bed, while Prue paces nervously by her bedside and Tori Amos caterwauls on the soundtrack. Prue's wearing a very hideous lime green Ye Olde Renaissance Faire blouse (tm Sep) with a matching headband that's not doing its job of keeping Shannen Doherty's uneven bangs out of her eyes. Piper awakens. Prue greets her and grabs her hand. Piper doesn't remember passing out; she asks what's wrong with her. Prue says they're waiting for her test results. Piper thinks she probably has something "trendy like mono or Epstein-Barr." Prue surprisingly doesn't take this as a cue to ask Piper what year she thinks she's in, and who the President is. Piper wonders where Phoebe is.

Hallway. Phoebe, still wearing her pink poncho and cap, is doing her best Aurora Greenway impression at the admitting desk. She raps the desk with her hand several times and calls loudly for the "Nurse Person." The Nurse Person looks at her. Phoebe tells Nurse Person to "get her sister's test results that should have been in by eight, and it's twenty past eight now." Nurse Person, to her credit, doesn't give Phoebe the rough side of her tongue; she asks her the name of the patient. Phoebe responds, "Piper Halliwell." Nurse Person tells Phoebe to wait for Piper's doctor, and he'll tell her the news once he answers her page. Phoebe, keeping her bitch on, glares at Nurse Person and sits down in the waiting area. Payback for Pheebs's rude behavior comes in the form of an obnoxious sickly wheelchair-bound moppet accosting her. Sickly Moppet wonders if Phoebe is "sick, too." She says she isn't. Sickly Moppet wonders why she "looks so sad." Phoebe bonds with Sickly Moppet by answering in her patronizing baby voice that her sister is ill. Sickly Moppet's name is Nathan, and he's holding a ninja doll. Phoebe tells Nathan that his action figure is really "a wi -- wizard who can move things and freeze things and kick box and do all this to the demo -- bad guys within [his] body." Nathan buys all of this. Dr. Williamson, Piper's physician, walks up with a flock of interns in tow. Phoebe, who's obviously never watched a hospital program before, wonders what the other doctors are doing with him on rounds. Dr. Williamson explains that they're studying his field -- he's an "infectious disease specialist." Pheebs gapes at this.

Piper's room. Dr. W and Phoebe enter. Piper wonders where her regular doctor is. Dr. W asks how Piper feels. She's okay, but tired. Dr. W asks if she's traveled out of the country recently. Piper "wishes." Dr. W explains that Piper has a disease called "Aroya fever" which is spread by the bite of a "sand fly." Has she received any imported goods recently? Piper and Pheebs remember the "kiwuano" fruit. Piper shows the doctor an insect bite she got when she opened the crate. Dr. W prescribes an antibiotic to get her fever down, and more tests. Phoebe accosts the doctor to ask if Piper's disease is life-threatening. Dr. W will know after "more tests." He leaves. Phoebe jumps on top of her sick sister on the hospital bed, and sits on top of her. The lazy Ps beam at Piper. Piper assures that them that she'll be okay. Prue agrees. Phoebe thinks they should call Leo, Piper's own personal Jesus, to heal her. Piper tells them not to, because for one thing, she's dating Dan now, and for another, her disease is not the work of a demon or a warlock. She'll trust medical "magic" to make her better. Piper sends Prue back to Buckland's, and Phoebe off to "go do whatever it is you do." BWA HA HA. Get well soon, Piper. She also requests that they call Dan and let him know the big. Phoebe kisses her goodbye and leaves. Piper looks worried.

BAH. Prue struts into her office. Jack (natch) is there. She asks if the tests on the Monet have confirmed "unexplained thread markings" around the signature of the painting. Has Jack told the V.P. about this yet? Jack hasn't. He thinks Prue should go home and rest. Prue wants to keep busy. She confesses to Jack that she's "seen a lot of weird things in [her] life, and it takes a lot to scare [her], but right now [she's] really scared." She hugs him. Jack looks uncomfortable, and admits that he's "not good at saying the right thing" at such moments. Once again, I must point out that GUYS WILL TELL YOU OR LET YOU KNOW THEIR SHORTCOMINGS, if you care to listen. Men aren't all that complicated. This is the third or fourth time that Jack's worn the "I'm a big jerk" sign around his neck. Prue doesn't notice. Jack suggests she go back to the hospital to see Piper. The phone rings. Prue answers it.

Halliwell Manor. Dan "Yell Steel" Gordon and Phoebe discuss Piper's condition. Phoebe is very worried. Dan, playing Gallant to Jack's Goofus, hugs Phoebe and comforts her, assuring Pheebs that "Piper will be okay -- she's strong and healthy and she's a fighter." The phone rings. It's Prue calling from the hospital corridor she's storming through. Phoebe needs to join her right away.

Hospital. Phoebe and Dan run up to Prue outside of Piper's room. Piper's "condition has worsened." Phoebe, the brainiac, wonders "what that's supposed to mean?" Dr. W comes up. He tells them that the antibiotics haven't worked and Piper's immune system isn't as strong as he had hoped. There's nothing more they can do -- she's slipped into a coma. Phoebe blinks back tears. Dan bites his lower lip. Shannen Doherty looks constipated. Can we have some glycerin from Make-Up, stat?

What would make me vomit first if I were in that Pepsi One commercial -- the rocking motion of the ferry, or the realization that I just slurped down some stranger's backwash?

Halliwell Manor. Attic. Prue storms into the room, followed by Phoebe. They make a beeline for the Book of Shadows to try to find a spell to cure Piper, reasoning that if they can use the BoS to vanquish demons, it can help them fight "a lousy bug." Pheebs worries about the personal-gain clause to their powers and the potential consequences. Prue: "What? The Power of Three remains unbroken and we go on saving the innocent." Phoebe, to her credit, argues that "if good witches could go around curing diseases, would there be any sick persons in this world?" Phoebe wants to call Leo first before resorting to a spell from the BoS. Prue reminds her that Piper forbid them from doing that. Phoebe's big argument: "So?" The lazy Ps start calling Leo like he's a lost dog that wandered out of their backyard. Leo "Hiding Under a Bushel" Wyatt blue-lights in to tell them to shut the hell up. Er, rather, he tells them that he's been lurking, and he knows about Piper's condition but the "higher powers won't let [him] help [her]." Besides, he's not their White Lighter anymore, and even if he could help, his powers wouldn't work because she didn't fall ill from fighting evil. He orbs out, asking the lazy Ps to tell their sister that he loves her. Aw. Pheebs looks at Prue and decides to "screw the consequences." The lazy Ps flip through the BoS.

Hospital. Hallway. The lazy Ps exposition each other for our benefit. Phoebe: "Do you think the 'awakening' spell will work?" Prue, who's thrown on a hideous patchwork coat that was pieced together like Frankenstein from the upholstery of seven thrift-store couches and accented with a breen-colored fake-fur collar and cuffs, assures her that the spell will work. She will get Piper's blood, and Phoebe will go get a "poppet." They'll meet in Piper's room.

Prue struts into Piper's room. Dan is at Piper's bedside. Prue telekinetically lifts a vial of Piper's blood from a table, although she could have easily pocketed it like a regular person as she walked past. Prue comforts Dan that everything will be okay.

Nathan's room. He's playing with the ninja doll. When he sees Phoebe, he tells her that he "was hoping [she'd] come back." Phoebe: "Really? Why?" Word. He feels great -- due to the magic ninja doll. Phoebe assures him it was just the "power of positive thinking," as if she knows anything about any kind of thinking. The doctors are releasing him "in a few days." Phoebe asks him if she can have the ninja doll -- her sister needs "some magic." Nathan hands it over.

Piper's room. Phoebe enters and blathers about getting sodas for everybody. Dan goes to fetch them. Phoebe takes out the doll. Suddenly the camera framing goes all askew. I rewind to the credits to find out who the perpetrator, er, director of this mess was. Surprise -- it's Anson "Potsie" Williams. He's decided that since the Halliwells are doing an in-cant-ation, the scene should be shot in canted angles. Otherwise, viewers wouldn't know "magic" is going on. It's this type of thinking that keeps Potsie employed at Aaron Spelling Productions. But I digress. The lazy Ps provide the Hallmark Moment of the Week: Troubled blood with sleep's unease/ Remove the cause of this disease. Dr. W tries to enter the room, but Prue throws up the telekinetic hand and keeps the door shut. Prue pours Piper's blood on the ninja doll as they recite: Sleep eternal nevermore/ [mumble, mumble]/ To this poppet who none shall mourn. Piper suddenly sits up in her bed and removes her oxygen mask, gasping for air. The Ps all hug. Dr W bursts in the door. Prue, all fresh-like, quips, "What's up, Doc?" Dr. W examines Piper. Phoebe throws the bloody doll into the hot pink medical waste bag that's sitting there open in the corner of the room near the door. The camera peers into the bag and we see the doll's plastic eyes open all by themselves. Ruh roh!

Hallway. Dan sees people rushing into Piper's room, and joins them. He drops the sodas he's carrying on the floor and runs to the Ps. Dr. W says he's "never seen anything like her recovery." Piper asks if she can go home. Dr. W wants to draw some more blood and run some comparative tests. Piper reiterates that she wants to leave. The lazy Ps and Dan all jump on the bed and hug her. Piper demands that they "get off" her. Meanwhile, in the trash bag, the mini-ninja rises up. A nurse throws an IV bag on top of him, and he gets his wee bitch on. Mini-ninja slices an opening in the bag and pricks the nurse in the ankle. She looks down, doesn't think much of what might have happened (although it could very well have been a used hypo she just walked into, exposing her to god only knows what), and leaves the room. Mini-ninja cuts a larger opening in the trash bag, and jumps out, waving his little -- cough, cough -- sword around.

P3AD. No one waits outside. And the club is deserted inside, except for Prue deejaying, and the docile Ps asking her to "crank it up." A menial bartender approaches Piper, but she sends him home, since she'll clean up. Piper must not have come back to her senses since her coma, because Wardrobe has sewn Holly Marie Combs into this really unflattering black pantyhose sheath over a black bra. Phoebe spies Dan sitting on a couch and tries to get him to dance with her. He balks and goes over to hug Piper. She thanks him for "waiting for [her]" and "hanging tough" at her bedside. She sends him home. The lazy Ps play patty-cake on the dance floor as Piper begins to (natch) clean up after them. She asks the lazy Ps to "spill" -- they cast a spell to cure her, didn't they? The lazy Ps try to look innocent. Piper tells them that she's "very grateful" but "what about the personal gain problem?" Phoebe says it's been a few hours, and they haven't seen any consequences yet. Piper: "I'm not complaining, I'm just glad you didn't call Leo." She tells the lazy Ps that she loves them and they hug (natch). Prue decides to go to Buckland's and finish the Monet appraisal, since she's "still up." Phoebe decides to just stand there and watch Piper work. Piper speed-cleans the bar as Phoebe gapes at her. Phoebe yells at her to stop, because she's "just found a consequence."

Hospital. The nurse who was pricked is now lying in a hospital bed, with (tee hee) mini-ninja-itis. Dr. W is called in to look at her. A Centers For Disease Control guy named Seegler meets up with Dr. W. They blather about the outbreak of Aroya fever in the hospital. There are now three patients suffering from it. Dr. W believes the cause is the first patient who was brought in -- Piper (his pronunciation) Hollywell.

BAH. Prue is staring at the alleged Monet through her non-prescription designer frames. Jack comes in. Prue tells him that Piper's okay. She just came into the office to address "a few suspicions." Prue: "We have to talk. Seriously. We can't keep fooling ourselves. This thing isn't real. I know it looks perfect from the outside, so it makes sense to just ignore the proof and pretend nothing's wrong." Tellingly, Jack immediately jumps to the conclusion that she's talking about their relationship. But -- get this! -- she's really talking about the painting. WHO KNEW? Prue doesn't believe that the painting is really Monet's work; it must be from one of the students in "his school." Jack: "So what? Let's just let it be. The world is made up of near-misses and necessary compromises. This is a little of both. I know how you feel. I'm just asking you to not look so close. Nothing bears up to that kind of scrutiny." Wait a second -- I don't think he's talking about that painting anymore. Neither does Prue. She asks him if he was blathering about the Monet. Jack: "Yeah, that too. Everything'll be fine." Prue looks uneasy.

P3AD. Seegler from the CDC storms in along with several lackeys in white contamination suits. He informs Piper and Phoebe that the nightclub is closed "until further notice." Piper makes a stink-face.

Hey, Tic-Tac lady! A few things: A) You did not invent that "hold your hand up to your mouth to smell your breath" thing, so stop bragging and looking smug. B) That "hand to mouth" thing doesn't work anyway, unless you want to know what your hand smells like at that moment. C) Tic-Tacs aren't all that expensive or unobtainable. I suggest that if you think your breath smells bad, just take one. D) Shut up. Be a "trendsetter" that way.

Hospital. A press conference is going on. Potsie shoots this using the shaky Homicide camera technique. I'd like to personally thank Sars for sending me that box of Maalox with the corporate Christmas gifts -- it came in handy at this moment. ["I'm shocked that you have any left." -- Sars] A reporter asks Seegler and Dr. W to confirm that a "nightclub named P3" has been shut down. I'm surprised that the reporter doesn't qualify the place as the "hottest/ hippest club in town!" but Seegler knows what she's talking about anyway. He confirms the news. I smell a lawsuit. Dan watches this on television and books out the door.

Quarantine Room. Phoebe is banging at the door: "Hello! Remember us?" Nurse Person comes up to the door -- of course she remembers Phoebe! Payback time. Phoebe's demand to "get the hell out of here" is ignored, and she is told that Dr. W will be talking to Phoebe and Piper in a moment. Piper complains that she feels "fine, no discussion." Phoebe thinks this is "ridiculous." Word. Unlike Piper, she's fitted her hospital gown in such a way that her breasts are accentuated. Just then, Prue is escorted into the room by the men in contamination suits. Prue's hospital gown has been strangely fitted to outline her figure, also. The Ps all bitch about the medical personnel taking samples of their blood. Piper whines about the club being "ruined." Prue informs the docile Ps that she overheard there are other patients at the hospital with mini-ninja-itis. Prue walks to the door and wonders if the doctors outside can hear them. Piper says no. Huh? Prue asks if any of them were able to sleep the night before. They all say no. Piper thinks this is the consequence of casting the "awakening" spell. Prue reminds them that the new outbreak is also "a consequence."

Nathan's room. Mini-ninja sneaks in the door as the tyke sleeps.

Quarantine Room. Dr. W shows up. The Ps ask him why he's not wearing a mask. He says he's just ruled out the possibility that the virus is airborne. Piper gets her bitch on and says that's great, then they can leave. Dr. W says no. Phoebe gets her bitch on and says he can't keep them there. Dr. W begs to differ; he can keep them there "by law," especially since he believes that Piper has caused a disease to spread "by epidemic proportions." He now knows of six people being infected and believes that if he can figure out how Piper miraculously was cured, he can save them. Dr. W stomps out of the room. Phoebe: "Wow, his bedside manner could sure use some work." Shut up, Pheebs. I believe the blame for all of this trouble bears a "P.H." monogram. The Ps have a processing summit: How can the thwart the mini-ninja-itis epidemic? Piper tells them that they have to reverse the spell. The lazy Ps refuse, reminding Piper that she'll go back into a coma and die. Piper: "No, you'll call Leo and he'll save me." Wow, it must be nice having your own personal Jesus and all. Phoebe's shocked; she thought Piper didn't want Leo brought into all of this. Piper: "That was when I didn't know I was dying." The lazy Ps sheepishly admit that they already called Leo, and he told them he couldn't help Piper out. Piper slams the lazy Ps but good, thanking them "for doing something [she] specifically told them not to do." Phoebe opens up her maw to protest, but Prue tells her to "give it a rest." Thank you, Prue. Prue reminds Piper that they don't know the reverse "awakening" spell anyway, and they can't leave the hospital to go get the BoS. Piper tells her sister to astral Prue-ject. Prue, while standing, slumps her head down and goes catatonic. Astral Prue appears at Halliwell Manor in front of the BoS. A nurse notices slumped-over Prue and asks what's the big. The docile Ps tell her everything's okay. Back at the manor, Astral Prue memorizes the spell.

Nathan's room. Mini-ninja does a tumble flip onto his bed, and takes out his -- titter, titter -- tiny sword.

Astral Prue leaves the attic. Prue wakes up in the Quarantine Room. Potsie decides to spin the camera around the actresses. The Ps disagree about casting the spell, while my dinner starts to disagree with me. As the camera whirls around to cue us that "magic" is brewing, the Ps recite yet another Hallmark Moment: What was awakened from its sleep/ Must once again slumber deep. Ugh, Potsie. Put. The. Camera. Down. Now. I. Beg. You.

Nathan's room. Mini-ninja raises the sword above the boy's sleeping form. Suddenly the doll turns into an immobile plastic figure again and falls to the floor.

Quarantine Room. Piper collapses back into her coma. The lazy Ps call for help. Dr. W runs in with a bunch of minions. He calls for "a crash cart."

Talk about selling an image! The number of people I know who own SUVs and actually kayak and rock-climb and use their vehicles off-road can be counted on one hand and still leave enough fingers for me to go bowling.

Hospital. Dan gives grief to the admitting nurse to find out where Piper is. He LIES and tells her he's "family."

The room formerly known as "Quarantine." Dan walks in as Prue and Phoebe cry and hug each other and the doctors try to resuscitate Piper (Dr. W's pronunciation) Hollywell. Suddenly Piper rises out of her body and floats up to the ceiling, out of the room, and onto the set from the final reel of Xanadu. Y'all might scoff, but I swear when the dry ice cleared Piper was wearing roller disco skates, and so was Leo, who emerges from a bright light to meet her. Piper's own personal Jesus tells her to "take [his] hands" because it's "the only way" he can heal her, and they have to "hurry" so the higher-ups don't find out. Back at the hospital, Dr. W uses cardioshock paddles on Piper's body. Back in Xanadu, Piper grabs Leo's hands. Dr. W asks a nurse to call Piper's time of death. Suddenly Piper coughs and sits up on the table, moaning, "Leo." Dan freaks. The medical personnel are perplexed at Piper's recovery.

BAH. Prue is packing up her belongings into a box. Jack walks in. He tells her she "can't just quit." Well, Jack, it seems you stalked the lady right out of the company. Her office is all yours now, feel free to redecorate. Prue confirms that she turned in her resignation and the VP accepted it. Jack wonders if this came about "just because [they] disagreed about selling the Monet." Prue reminds him that it's not authentic. Jack argues some more about it. Prue tells him that the sale "is wrong in [her] book" and that Buckland's has changed "since the takeover." Now people "care more about the sell than what they're selling." Jack thinks this must mean him. Instead of agreeing that Jack's lack of scruples was the straw that broke the camel's back, Prue placates Jack by telling him that she's been thinking about quitting for awhile. The hell? She provides the Lesson of the Day: "Life is too short to waste my time doing something I don't want to be doing." Cue the Dueling Egos Banjo Strums. Jack turns the conversation back to him by whining, "With someone you really don't want to be with?" Prue thanks Jack for "being great" and "making [her] feel wanted again." Jack adds, "But . . ." Prue: "But really you were stalking and sexually harassing me." No, she actually says, "I just need to be alone for awhile." She kisses him, and Jack is SENT DOWN THE ROAD. About time.

P3AD. Piper gives a box of the strange fruit to a menial and tells him to chuck it, since it "hasn't been inspected yet." Piper and Phoebe walk up. All of the Halliwell halter tops must have been in the hamper, because Prue is making due with a sheet of aluminum foil and Phoebe has improvised a top from the ass side of a pair of Daisy Dukes. Phoebe believes that Piper "learned her lesson." Prue looks around at the extras and thinks that the club is rebounding nicely. Piper reminds them that it's open bar with no cover. She asks the lazy Ps if they've seen Dan. Phoebe tells Piper that he heard Piper call out Leo's name when she awoke at the hospital. Piper makes plans to "explain things to him." Then she dusts off the old LotD about "not taking things for granted anymore." Prue agrees, and turns the conversation to her job departure. Phoebe welcomes Prue to "the ranks of the unemployed." Leo walks up to Piper. The deadbeat Ps hang back while the couple talks. Piper thanks Leo for saving her. Did he get into trouble? Leo admits that his "wings" were "clipped" but it's not permanent, "it's more like a suspension." Then he declares that he's going to use his downtime as a mortal to "fight for" Piper and win her away from Dan. He adds: "May the best man win." Piper's jaw drops. As does mine. Stuff is actually happening! Hard cheese on Jack! Hard cheese on Dan! Prue and Phoebe finally getting their shit together! Who knew? Woo hoo! End.