Halliwell Manor. Day. Piper Halliwell "-a Balsam" is wearing her Martha Stewart lavender cardigan (natch) and preparing a gift basket full of baby things. Prue "Gypsy, Tramp and Thief" Halliwell storms into the parlor, asking Piper if she's seen her "slides anywhere." Prue's gone peasant girl this week, sporting cowboy boots, a tight ankle-length dark brown skirt, and a puffy white gauze blouse that cinches under her bosom five inches above her exposed (natch) midriff. And she's also given herself a perm of loose curls by sleeping with soup cans on her head. She looks like a walking toasted marshmallow on a stick. Prue finds the slides and expositions for Piper that the new VP at Buckland's will send two employees "with the best presentation" to New York for a conference that week, and she hopes it will be Jack and her. Piper: "Are you going to sleep with him?" Prue: "It's just a business trip, that's all!" Piper mmm hmmms. Prue changes the subject and asks about the gift basket. Piper tells her sister it's for a baby shower for an offscreen, never-mentioned-before friend of theirs. Since the lazy Ps forgot (natch) that they had to get gifts, Piper's making the basket for all of them. She knitted a baby blanket, and had enough yarn left over to make a wee teddy bear. Prue had no idea her sister could knit. Word -- where does Piper find the time to run a business and keep house for her sisters and date the -door neighbor, in addition to maintaining a crystal meth lab in the basement to supply the energy to perform all of these tasks? Prue coos over the teddy bear and clutches it to her breasts. She asks Piper if the baby toy-making will be "really good practice" for her. Piper makes a "what the?" face. Prue explains: "You, Dan, little Dan . . ." Piper tells Prue to slow down, because Dan's the one who's "on the fast track" in their relationship. Prue: "I just hate guys that aren't afraid to commit." Heh. Piper wails that she really does have a problem -- whenever she thinks about getting closer to Dan, she remembers that in the "Futurama" episode she was fated to marry and breed with Leo. Prue reminds her sister that "the present is all that matters." Piper says she knows this, but she's not ready to receive her own baby showers, either.
Police station. Darryl "Drag Not!" Morris is sitting at his desk talking to Phoebe "Nostradumbass" Halliwell. She's trying to convince him to let her become his investigative psychic, and can't understand why his colleagues are snickering at her while she sits there in a red Gap Kids jacket, black pedal pushers with red patches, and a plastic bead choker worn as a headband. Does Phoebe own any jewelry that didn't come out of a gumball machine? Darryl explains that he's already getting grief from his co-workers about his performance lately. Phoebe assures him that "no one will know" about her help. Yeah, I'm sure the detectives would never figure out that the two people sitting in front of them discussing working together might actually be working together. Whatever. Phoebe gives a demonstration of her psychic ability by picking up a butter knife (?!?) from Darryl's desk and moaning that she sees "blood and flesh." Did he have sausage for breakfast? Darryl gapes at her. Phoebe explains that she was telling a "little joke." You're too immodest, Pheebs. Phoebe suddenly realizes that there's a wailing baby in the precinct room, with three cops hovering over it. Darryl explains that the infant was abandoned. Phoebe walks over and shoos the cops away. The baby stops crying. Phoebe picks up the baby and tells Darryl that she knew she could help him in some way. She has a B&W psychic vision of a preppy guy in a crewneck sweater holding the baby and running from another man in a black coat who's flinging bolts of lightning at him. Darryl asks Phoebe if she's okay, although I would have been worried about the infant's safety, since he was thisclose to dropping it on the floor. Pheebs wakes up from her trance.
Credits. Where has Mrs. Bigglesworth gone? I haven't seen her in months.
Matthew Perry, now in the The Whole Nine Yards. Didn't you learn your lesson with Two to Tango? I'll sum it up for you in two words: Shelley. Long.
Why do they keep sending the second unit up to San Francisco to tape establishing shots if the crew keeps sending back the same footage? What's up with that? Halliwell Manor. Phoebe's blathering about her premonition while Piper uncomfortably holds the infant in her arms. Piper admits she's "not really good with these things." Ah, how refreshing -- a Halliwell sister who doesn't think that just liking babies will make her a terrific mother. Phoebe suggests that Piper "rock-n-walk" the baby, because "he loves that." Pheebs continues that her vision featured an evil ghost, and baby-talks her disbelief that an evil ghost would want to hurt "a widdle bay-bee." Piper wonders how Pheebs got the child from Darryl. Phoebe told him about her premontion, so he gave the Halliwells the baby "for twenty-four hours" before Social Services takes over. Oh, I'm loving this. You know, Darryl would probably be facing a lot less suspicion at his police precinct if he would stop hiding dead bodies and giving live babies to his friends in the witch coven ["and ripping off plots from four years ago" -- Sars]. Piper gives the wailing baby to Phoebe. The baby stops crying. Phoebe must be "a natural" at this. Phoebe says she "can't wait" to have a baby of her own someday. Piper is "beginning to wonder if Dan fell in love with the wrong Halliwell." Hey, didn't I call that one earlier in the season? If this show had any type of continuity, I'd file that line under "foreshadowing." Piper shakes the knit teddy bear at the baby, and milk is thrown at her from below the camera line. Phoebe explains that the child "doesn't like to have things waved in his face." I have to admit, I'm in touch with that emotion.
Prue stomps into the house, swearing that "this better be good," because her New York trip "is at stake." The docile Ps shush her and point to the baby. They give her the whole backstory. Prue thinks it's strange that an abandoned baby would have expensive things like a silk-lined blanket and a product-placement infant carrier from a major catalog retailer that will remain nameless until they send MBTV an advertising fee. Why couldn't the parents keep the kid if they could afford this stuff? Piper feels a tantrum from the tyke coming on, and shoos everyone into the foyer, likening the baby to "a car alarm susceptible to every vibration." Pheebs tells Prue that Piper "has baby issues." The docile Ps tell Prue about the premonition. Phoebe throws a purse over her white halter top and decides to go back to the police station to get a sketch of the guy holding the baby in her vision for them to identify. Prue says she's going back to work. Piper balks about being left in charge of the baby, remembering when Phoebe was a baby ("was"?) and how hard it was on her -- especially since Prue was "dropping her all the time." BWA HA HA. Insert your own brain damage joke here. Phoebe glares at Prue. Prue says she'll stop by the store to get baby supplies. Pheebs says she still needs to go see Darryl. The baby wails.
Store. At first I think that Prue must be at a Big Kmart or a Super Kmart, but since there are actually plentiful goods neatly organized on the shelves and the aisles seem to be clear, she must be at a different establishment altogether. She wheels her overflowing shopping cart into the diaper aisle and plotzes because the diapers are on the very top shelf. Shee-yah, right. She telekinetically flings a couple of packages down, and adds them to all of the toys and stuffed animals in the cart. Just then Prue is paged on the store intercom system -- a Ms. Diane Keaton is calling from the set of Baby Boom, wanting her "harried careerwoman suddenly thrust in the role of parent" shtick back. Just then Jack "Big" Sheridan shows up, racing a little boy down the aisle on a motorized skateboard. Prue wonders what he's doing there. Prue's assistant told Jack that she had "a family emergency" and he could find her there. Prue explains that the diapers are for her "cousin's baby." Once she buys the stuff, she'll join him back at work so she can help win the trip to New York with him. Jack sees this as a cue to blather about "the Big Apple" and "romantic restaurants, hip clubs and secret getaways." Huh? Will he and Prue be knocking over banks or liquor stores? ["Oh, please let them go to New York. Please." -- Sars] Jack reminds her that the plane leaves tomorrow at nine. Then he tells her he has to go, because the big lug must beat the little child at the skateboard race. He leaves. Whoa, this guy is such a keeper, Prue! Not.
Halliwell Manor. Dan "Al" Gordon is showing Piper how to "jiggle hold" the baby and give him the "moving around in the womb" feeling. Piper praises him. Dan explains that he comes from "a big family" and then demonstrates the "wave walk." He wonders why Piper's staring. She says she's happy to see him this way. I am too, since it means Piper gets to rest from the regular drudgery of her schedule and Dan's not jumping her bones for a few minutes.
Prue stomps into the kitchen with her shopping bags, bitching loudly about how much the baby stuff cost. I clutch my pearls because complaining about the price of things, especially items you're buying out of charity, is so deeply, terribly tacky. Prue's total? "$312.46." Dan thinks her "timing's perfect, because Cousin Matthew needs a change." They lay the baby on the kitchen table. Prue removes his diaper. She and Piper hold their noses because the smell is "ripe." I wonder if this was their first reaction when the actresses read through this script. Dan offers to change the infant for them. The hard Ps tell him no. Dan reminds them to clean up under his -- ruh roh! A stream of urine heads straight for Prue's face, but it's frozen by Piper before contact. Prue moves out of the way, and Piper unfreezes the piss stream. Prue telekinetically flings the urine over her shoulder, out of the way. I assure you, as I did during the dog-shit flinging extravaganza in an earlier episode, that I AM NOT MAKING THIS STUFF UP. Dan quips that "boys will be boys." Prue whines because the diapers she bought are too small. Dan comes to her rescue with an improvised cloth diaper made out of a folded dishtowel, and adds for the P.C. crowd that "cloth diapers are more environmentally friendly." Dan offers to buy the correct size diapers on his way home from work. Prue thanks him. He leaves. Do we all get the fact that he's Super Boyfriend already? Prue hands the baby over to Piper and tells her she has to "go, too." Piper bitches about being stuck with the baby again.
Police Station. Phoebe and Darryl work with a sketch artist on a computer program. Sketch Artist jokes about giving the finished sketch to the "psychic hotline." Darryl barks at him to run the sketch through the database, and "not ask questions." Um, Darryl, if you're wondering why you're in hot water with your colleagues -- it might be because you're such an uptight asshole. Just a thought.
BAH. Prue's office. Prue receives the fax of Phoebe's police sketch, calls her sister, and identifies the man as "Gilbert Van Llewen." He's from a rich family who has a huge art collection. His father died last year, and his brother died recently. Phoebe believes that the evil ghost must have been trying to harm Baby Matthew . They make plans to meet up at the Van Llewen estate to investigate. Prue spies Jack buying take-out lunch for them as she plots with Phoebe on the phone, and passive-aggressively bitches, "Sure, who wants to go to New York anyway?"
Van Llewen Estate. Gilbert is telling his wife, Alexandra, to calm down. She wants to know where their baby is. Gilbert abandoned him "for his own good." They argue some more. Gilbert had to hide the baby before the christening, because the ghost strikes "at the moment of the family's greatest joy." Alexandra gapes at him in disbelief. Moaning and grunting is heard outside the room. Suddenly Stephanie Beacham from Dynasty II: The Colbys and that awful nun-and-ruffian sitcom Sister Kate runs into the room. Sister Kate is playing Gilbert's mother and sporting pearls, a cashmere sweater set, and facelift-scar-concealing bangs. The black-clad ghost appears and tells Sister Kate that "her last son" will be his victim. The ghost will spare him if he brings the baby back to the house. Gilbert refuses, and receives a lightning bolt to his chest. He falls off the second-floor balcony to his death. The ghost tells Sister Kate that he won't let her leave the house until she's seen all the males in her family die.
Sure, inform kids not to smoke pot, but don't LIE to them. Smoking pot is not like playing hockey without protective equipment. It's more like swimming in Jell-O.
Van Llewen Estate. An ambulance and police cars are parked in the driveway, along with Darryl and the lazy Ps. Prue and Phoebe have just found out about Gilbert's death, and want to find out if Baby Matthew is his son. Darryl bitches that this isn't even his crime scene. The three of them stroll into the mansion anyway. A random cop snarks at Darryl, "Let me guess -- your psychic friends?" Darryl threatens to make the guy a "meter maid." Ooh, burn. Not. The cop directs Darryl to Sister Kate. She tells Darryl that her daughter-in-law is upstairs resting, and her grandson is staying with some relatives. She asks to be excused from further questioning as the lazy Ps sneak upstairs like they own the place. Prue and Phoebe walk into the nursery. Phoebe finds a photo of Matthew and his parents on the wall, and a satin pillow that says "Matthew." Her few lonely synapses fire and she says that their baby must Matthew Van Llewen, "no question about it." Prue looks at all of the toys and baby equipment and decides that his parents "must love him to death" because the Halliwell girls all know that expensive gifts = true love. Phoebe thinks that they shouldn't talk about the baby in the mansion because "Casper's still around." Suddenly a red-eyed Alexandra walks in the room and busts the sisters for trespassing. She wants to know who they are. The lazy Ps try to impersonate "grief counselors with the police department." BWA HA HA! Grief contributors, maybe. Alexandra tells them to leave. The lazy Ps think they can "help" her. She asks them to leave again and snits off.
Halliwell Manor. Night. At the dining room table, Prue works on her slides and Phoebe "researches the Van Llewens" on the Internet from her Barbie TM laptop. Piper walks in with the screaming infant. She doesn't understand why the lazy Ps didn't tell Alexandra that they had Matthew. Prue believes the ghost would have followed them to the manor, and reminds them that they have a twelve-hour deadline to vanquish the ghost before Darryl takes the baby away. Piper insists that Phoebe hold the baby for awhile, since she's "had it." Phoebe bitches because the baby continues to cry while in her arms, and her "magic touch" isn't working like before. She wonders if he's giving a "burping" cry. He was, because Props throws baby puke onto Prue's slides from off-camera. Prue gets her bitch on. Piper believes this will be "a long night." Word. The scene ends with a David Lynch-ian close-up of the baby puke. Needless to say, ew.
A few hours later. Prue is walking around with the baby, complaining that he won't sleep. Phoebe's trying to research the Van Llewens some more. The baby wails louder. Prue puts it on the floor and empties out her purse. She uses her telekinesis to make a yuppie mobile for Matthew with floating car keys, cell phones and designer make-up. The baby quiets down. This charming moment is interrupted by a loud farting noise, alerting me that my few seconds of enjoyment this episode are up.
A few hours later. Prue is washing the baby in the kitchen sink, telekinetically hosing off his ass with the sprayer. Piper's found some information on the laptop about the Van Llewen chauffeur -- he disappeared, and shortly after, Sister Kate's husband died "of mysterious circumstances." Phoebe walks into the room with Book of Shadows. She tells them to "forget Dr. Spock." She's found a page in the BoS where their mother has informed them, "Sometimes a baby just has to cry." Word. And sometimes an MBTV recap writer just has to cry. Usually around the time that the script writers rip off Ghostbusters II and Three Men and a Baby simultaneously. Prue bitches that mothering should be "easy" for them, since they're "women -- natural nurturers." The baby's first word is an exclamation of "Sexist!" Actually, it just wails some more. Piper freezes him, whining that she "can't keep this up all night." Heh.
Morning. The kitchen is a wreck, and the Ps are all slumped over asleep at the kitchen table. Dan holds the cooing baby in his arms. Piper awakens and looks at him. He asks her what's up. Piper: "Just wondering if you're too good to be true." Once again I wonder if foreshadowing can flourish where continuity lies barren. Dan gives the baby to Piper. She thanks him. He kisses them both goodbye. Prue and Phoebe wake up. Prue's late for work, and she books out of the room. Phoebe asks Piper to accompany her to the Van Llewen estate, and they book also. Ruh roh! They left the baby on the bus! I've never seen that gag before. In the last two weeks. The Ps all run back and gather around the crib. What will they do?
BAH. Jack walks into Prue's office and blathers about her getting ready to "wow" the VP. Is that what the kids are calling it these days? Prue says, "Actually," and looks over at Baby Matthew resting behind her desk. She's wearing an ugly cropped gold metallic weave sweater, harem pants and this round glass charm in her hair that at first I thought was a monocle for her lazy right eye. Prue explains how she had to bring her cousin's baby to the office, and adds that the presentation to the VP should be about the need for an office day-care center. Then she lets Matthew chew on her pinky and praises her newly-found diapering skills. What did I tell you? A night of baby-sitting, and Prue thinks she's mother of the year. Jack feels left out and reminds her that his "inner child" wants to go with her to New York. Prue tells him that she didn't finish the presentation. Well, Jack finished it for the both of them! Prue jumps on Jack and starts to neck with him by way of thanks. The VP enters the room, and informs them that he's sending Jack on the trip, but not Prue. And he reads Prue's beads for her continual "family crises." Surprisingly, Prue's bitch remains off and she just looks over at Baby Matthew and beams at him.
Van Llewen Estate. Piper and Phoebe walk up to the door. Phoebe is wearing the ugliest garment I've seen on the show all season, or rather all of the ugliest garments I've ever seen on the show stitched together in one blouse. It's a pink-and-white flower-print baseball jersey with armchair doily cap sleeves and two crocheted purple tea cozies sewn on at the elbows which swallow Alyssa Milano's hands up completely. Somebody in Wardrobe won a bet, I deduce. Sister Kate answers the door of the mansion. Phoebe blathers about the missing chauffeur. Alexandra appears behind her mother-in-law. The docile Ps walk into the foyer like they own the place. Sister Kate asks them who the hell they are and what they want. Phoebe reaches into her hideous denim patchwork skirt (?!?) and pulls out the baby blanket with the name "Matthew" on it. The Van Llewen women weep. Phoebe and Piper say they can take them somewhere safe. Just then, the evil ghost appears. He asks where the baby is. Alexandra tells them not to say anything. Evil Ghost throws a lightning bolt at her but Piper freezes it. The docile Ps and Alexandra run through the apparition and out the front door. Sister Kate tries to follow, but the Evil Ghost zaps her with a bolt and she falls back into the foyer. Evil Ghost tries to run after the Halliwells, but a force field at the front door holds him back. Sister Kate says ha ha. Evil Ghost tells the Ps to bring back the baby or Sister Kate gets it. The director calls "Cut!" and Shannen and Stephanie grab some coffee and trade juicy Jason Priestley gossip.
The "great taste of white bread"? What the?
P3AD. Piper serves coffee to Alexandra. Phoebe doesn't think the ghost was able to follow them. Uh, duh. Alexandra: "Blah blah chauffeur was obsessed with Sister Kate yadda yadda carved their initials on the oldest oak of the estate yaw yaw he attacked her wah wah Sister Kate's husband killed him and buried him under the tree flap flap the ghost's been killing Van Llewen males ever since and making it look like accidents blather, rinse, repeat." Basically, the Evil Ghost won't rest until he gets the baby. But we knew that. Moving on.
BAH. Hallway. Prue, with Matthew in her arms, waits for the elevator. Jack runs up. He just convinced the VP to send them both to New York. Prue tells him that "children under two fly for free." Jack gapes. She tells him she won't be going to New York, since she has to take care of the baby. They leave.
Halliwell Manor. Kitchen. Piper tells Phoebe that Prue's on her way home. Phoebe's cooking up a potion to vanquish the ghost while complaining to Piper about Baby Matthew "rejecting" her -- he "always opens his mouth or his bowels when she's around." I'll skip that one. Piper provides today's Lesson of the Day: "It takes a lot of time to learn how to care for a child, and a lot of work." Piper, to her credit, is relieved that they have some time off from baby-sitting at the moment. Phoebe whines that she "misses" the baby. Piper grudgingly admits that she does, too. Aw. They decide to process. Phoebe expositions that she found out in the BoS that they can either vanquish the ghost by digging up his corpse and applying the potion, or they can "destroy the object of his obsession." Piper balks at killing Sister Kate, and goes to get some shovels. Prue walks in with Matthew, and the Ps all speak goo at him. They fight over who gets to stay home and watch him while the others fight the ghost. The doorbell rings. It's Darryl, telling them that "time's up" and he has to take the child to Social Services. Prue convinces Darryl to lie and tell everyone that the baby was "kidnapped" so Darryl can be "a hero" by returning the child to his mother. Ah, Prue's Wacky World of Morals; population: none. Darryl will babysit for them also.
Van Llewen Estate. The ghost is throwing lightning bolts at Sister Kate and demanding to know where the baby is. The Ps pull up in Piper's SUV. The lazy Ps decide to walk around with shovels and try to locate the chauffeur's corpse while Piper goes into the house to protect Sister Kate from the ghost. Phoebe finds the oak, and starts to dig. Ah, but since they're the lazy Ps, they throw down their shovels and Prue telekinetically lifts the bones out of the ground without getting her hands dirty. Piper walks into the room with the ghost and freezes the lightning bolts. Evil Ghost starts to shriek because Phoebe and Prue are messing with his corpse. He runs to the window and spots the lazy Ps. He zaps his bones back into the ground, and the lazy Ps run off in fright.
Sure, a Disney cruise would be "the vacation of my dreams." After I collapsed in a PCP-induced fog.
Van Llewen Estate. The lazy Ps run into the mansion and call for Piper. She's assisting Sister Kate into an armchair. They don't know where the ghost went. Prue and Phoebe complain that without the corpse, they can't vanquish him. Phoebe reminds them about the other plan they could use, but the sisters agree it's "not an option." Sister Kate wants to know what it is. Pheebs explains that if the woman dies, Baby Matthew will be safe. This prompts Sister Kate to confess that her husband didn't kill the chauffeur -- she shot the guy herself, in the back. She decides to sacrifice herself to save her grandson, and leaps off the second-story balcony to her death. Evil Ghost screams, "NOOOO!!!" The spirit of Sister Kate rises up to the landing in front of the Halliwells and Evil Ghost and tells EG to "go to hell." Evil Ghost disappears in flames. Sister Kate thanks the Halliwells effusively (natch) and I guess we're meant to assume that she floated off to heaven, but um, didn't she just admit that she was a cold-blooded murderer before she offed herself? Anyway, the Halliwells all receive more jewels for their crowns, and that's what's important.
Montage time at Halliwell Manor. The Ps bathe and giggle and coo at Baby Matthew while that Top Forty "Baby I Love You" song beats a migraine tattoo onto my skull.
Police Station. Baby Matthew is reunited with Alexandra Van Llewen. She thanks the Halliwells effusively (natch) and they all kiss the infant goodbye.
P3AD. A crowd (natch) is gathered outside. As I predicted, Pheebs and Prue are blathering about what "great" mothers they'll make, since you know, they BABYSAT FOR ONE DAY. Piper, to her credit, is not so sure about her mothering abilities, and reiterates her feeling that although Dan is "flawless" and "Mr. Mom," she still has reservations about her relationship with him. Phoebe: "Maybe because of Dan, you were uncomfortable around Matthew and resisting your maternal instincts?" Prue asks Phoebe where "all that" came from, and Phoebe is forced to admit that she learned all of that sexism and psychobabble from "Cosmo, of course." Phoebe spots Jack entering the club. Prue walks over to him. Why isn't he in New York? He admits that he didn't want to go without his "partner." Then he asks Prue about Baby Matthew, but just as a segue to quite tellingly reveal to Prue that he's "immature" and not ready to father children because he's "still a big kid" himself. Now, if I were Prue, that would be my five-alarm wake-up call to run, don't walk, away from the guy. As I've found out from bitter experience, people in general and men in particular (yeah, I'm being a bit sexist here myself) WILL TELL YOU THEIR FLAWS AND LIMITATIONS UP FRONT IF YOU ONLY KEEP YOUR EARS OPEN. ["Word." -- Sars] But Prue pooh-poohs Jack, and assures him that although she knows she'll make a "great mother -- someday" she's just looking for the "right guy -- for tonight" and vamps him over to the dance floor. Don't say I didn't try to warn you, honey. End.