Halliwell Manor. Morning. "Faster" Prue "ssycat, Kill! Kill!" Halliwell struts into the parlor with a coffee mug in one hand and her cell phone in the other, blathering with her assistant about her busy schedule. Phoebe "Latchkey Adult" Halliwell eyes her while she chomps down a bowl of cereal and tries to decipher the back of the box. Although she has her mouth full (natch) she interrupts Prue to remind her that the last Tae Bo class "is at seven." Prue whispers okay and continues to boss around her minion on the phone, finding out that she might just have enough enough time to make it to "kickboxing class." Hello, we all know what Tae Bo is. And that it’s so five months ago. But Prue’s lackey reminds her about a six o’clock appointment, so their plans go awry. Phoebe pouts while holding up her product-placement box of cereal, which will not be named until General Mills sends MBTV an advertising fee. The cell phone in Prue’s purse rings, and Phoebe jumps up to get it. Prue thanks her because "it’s probably Jack." Phoebe the English doctoral candidate admonishes her sister, "You don’t have time for Jack -- literally." Because there’s SUCH A BIG DIFFERENCE between "having time for someone" figuratively and "having time for someone" literally. Not. Phoebe tells Prue her new boss is on the phone, reminding her about the eight-thirty "emergency meeting -- be there or be fired." Prue gets confirmation from her minion about this, and the lazy Ps hang up their cell phones simultaneously, after which Phoebe adds, "Bye" to the turned-off device because, well, she’s a moron. Then Pheebs whines in the baby voice she stole from Jennie Garth’s trailer on the Spelling Productions lot, "Oy am vewy tired an’ oy nee’ a nap." Prue whines that she needs "another me" because she doesn’t even have time "to have fun anymore." I hear ya, sister.
Just then Piper "Lured Off To Dan’s" Halliwell slinks into the room, fresh from her short walk of shame from Gordon Manor to her house. The lazy Ps give her grief about not being able to recognize her or remember her name, because she "fell into lust with the -door neighbor" and they never see her anymore. I add that they all seem to have forgotten that they own a nightclub, too. Did one of them remember to lock it when they abandoned it two months ago? Piper: "Blah blah for once my life is normal blah blah don’t even care that it’s Friday the thir --" Phoebe shushes her, but Piper finishes with "thirteenth. I said it. Nothing happened."
Ruh roh! The parlor is suddenly strafed by machine-gun fire. Phoebe and Prue duck behind the sofa while Piper hides behind a table. The lazy Ps demand that Piper run through the gunfire to join them, I guess to make their last stand, er, breast thrust before meeting their doom. Piper rushes toward them, and freezes the bullets as the total F/X budget for this episode is blown early in an attempt to rip-off The Matrix. More bullets are fired around the room. Prue makes it all about her and complains that she doesn’t "need this today." Phoebe wonders why demons would use bullets. Piper proposes that the shooter is not a demon. Prue wonders who would want to kill them. Phoebe quips that Prue was "a little sharp to the postman the other day, and we know how testy they can be." Sure -- back when that zinger was topical, six years ago. The Ps hear a noise at the front door and make plans to fight back. But just then, behind them, a woman clad in form-fitting black latex and a pageboy wig appears with a machine gun. Oh my God! It’s Julia Roberts from the first reel of Pretty Woman, come to gun down Prue for single-handedly ending the "hooker-wear chic" fashion trend Julia started ten years ago! No, wait. It’s Gina Gershon from the "biker lesbian" floor show in Showgirls, come to ice Prue for attempting to steal Gina’s vampy sexpot schtick. Oh, wait. It’s just some nobody walk-on actress who doesn’t even get to say a line and earn her SAG card before the bullets she fires at the Halliwells are frozen by Piper and redirected into her torso by Prue. The woman falls back into the kitchen, dead. The Ps look at her. Shannen Doherty says in her famous "they’re paying me to say this line but not to mean it" monotone: "Oh my god she’s not a demon."
Credits. Mr. Spelling, I know you have enough money to update the credits and remove the shots of the first season hairstyles.
I’d be singing the blues on a sidewalk in the French Quarter, too, if I were in New Orleans and someone dared to serve me a cup of Folger’s. Ew.
San Francisco. The Bayfront. Alcatraz Island. TransAmerica Pyramid. Streetcars. The "eh" is put back in establishing shots, and we’re back on the Halliwell Manor set on a dusty LA backlot. The camera glances briefly at the dead woman’s corpse before panning over to the Halliwell sisters busily rifling through her stuff. Vultures, much? Piper finds fake passports, foreign currency, and ninja throwing stars. Prue finds this really stupid one-inch blade hidden in a lipstick case and quips all Roger Moore-as-007, "Not exactly Avon calling." Q rolls over in his grave. Piper finds an apartment card showing that the hit lady lived nearby, and finds this "scary." Huh? Phoebe thinks it’s "scarier that they were never attacked by a mortal before." Double huh? Prue adds that they never "killed a mortal before" either. Phoebe comforts her by telling her that she had no choice. Shannen monotones that "it doesn’t make it easier" and adds a constipated look. And that about covers any remorse the sisters have about slaying their first human. (Conversely, on Buffy, this type of occurrence has been treated with much more angst and realism.) . The Ps’ guilt trip ends as Piper finds a list of "marks" the hit lady was keeping in a notebook. The only names not crossed off are "M. Steadwell" and "P. Halliwell." Prue has a brainstorm: "Someone hired her!" Uh, duh! Piper adds, "Someone who knows we have powers." For the radio listeners, she reads from the page in the notebook as it’s shown in close-up: "Prue: telekinesis. Piper: Power to freeze. Phoebe: Negligible." Phoebe pouts and whines, and I can only add: BWA HA HA! Ms. Hellfire, we hardly knew ye. Your stay on this show was far too short. Prue wonders why a demon would hire a mortal to kill them. Piper adds that she wishes they knew that "before they called . . ."
. . . Darryl "He Whiny 5-0" Morris, who lets himself in the front door. He asks them what’s the big and demands that they "tell the truth" this time. Prue says someone tried to kill them, and shows him the corpse. The Ps explain that she was a hit woman. Darryl naturally finds it odd that the woman holding the gun is dead and full of bullets while the Ps remain alive. Prue gets her bitch on and explains that the killing was self-defense and because the Ps’ fingerprints aren’t on the gun that should prove it. Darryl wonders how the woman got shot if the Ps didn’t shoot her. The Ps hesitate, then Phoebe admits that they’re witches. And they have powers. And a demon is behind all of this. Prue tells Darryl to keep all of this "quiet" while they "investigate." Darryl takes this in FOR ALL OF ONE SECOND THEN CAVES IN AND ACCEPTS THEIR PLAN. Whatever! He looks at the hit woman’s notebook and sees an entry noting an explosion set to go off later that morning. Darryl and Phoebe decide to go together to try to stop it. Piper and Prue decide to go to the hit woman’s apartment to look around, after Prue (natch) stops in at Buckland’s for a moment. Phoebe asks about the corpse. Darryl, of course, decides to jeopardize his career by becoming an accessory to their murder. Or, as he explains it, "I’ll call in a favor and put the body on ice. But I can only buy you one day -- max." Way to destroy a crime scene and cover up the killing, policeman! As for destroying this "dramatic" scene, well, that was a collective effort.
Buckland’s Auction House. The new Vice President paces around a conference room full of executives, trying to instill fear in his new subordinates, thinking he’s Claire but he’s NOT. Come back, Claire! Prue sneaks into her seat right to Jack "Sonny to Prue’s" Sheridan. Jack tells her that "[she’s] late, partner." Prue hisses that they’re not partners. This gets the VP to single Prue out by calling her "you -- dark hair," although it’s really the low-cut purple bustier she’s wearing as a blouse that sets her apart from the other conservatively attired executives in the room. Prue glances around, pretending he’s not talking to her. The VP asks her name. She stutters it out. Hmm. Sneaking into your chair, getting called on by an authority figure -- it all seems so high school. Except if this were a high school, the principal would definitely make Prue go home and change, if not suspend her. The VP "partners" Prue up with Jack in a project: all of the execs will team up and each raise one hundred thousand dollars in auction material that day. Prue and Jack glare at him in disbelief. Piper stands out in the open doorway and gestures angrily for Prue to join her and leave. Jack accosts Prue about the project. Prue, torn, hesitates. Piper makes a stink-face and stamps her feet. Prue closes her eyes and an apparition of herself appears beside Piper in the hallway. The second Prue looks over at the first Prue, still slumped over in the chair to Jack. The apparition disappears and Prue comes out of her trance, her pie hole gaping open. Jack bitches that Prue wasn’t listening to him. Prue: "No. I’m feeling a little -- weird" although "beside herself" would have been a funnier expression and in keeping with her Roger Moore material. Prue makes a "woo!" noise and walks away from Jack without any further explanation and joins Piper in the hallway. Piper asks, "What the?" Prue thinks she can now "astral Prue-ject" whenever she feels the need to be in two places at once. Piper suggests that they leave before it happens again. Word. I’ve had enough of Shannen Doherty and her unfettered "projections" this season.
Speeding police car (!?!). Woo hoo! A car chase through the hilly streets of San Francisco! I was weaned on this stuff. Oh. Unfortunately, it’s just Phoebe and Darryl speeding along, trying to get to the address of the planned explosion. Phoebe jabberjaws about the Halliwells’ powers and their Book of Shadows while Darryl dismisses her with "too much information." Word. Darryl then explains that he "stares down death" every day in his police work of this world, and he doesn’t want to be dragged into another "world." Phoebe doesn’t comfort him much by saying that "it’s too late" for that, but the Ps will protect him. Big whoop. They pull up to a building where a sprightly young woman in a hippie skirt and shawl is opening a door with a key. An interior shot shows a bomb attached to the doorway. As the woman starts to turn the knob, Darryl rushes toward her and pushes her out of the way. Kaboom! Phoebe comes forward and asks if they’re okay. The woman, M. Steadwell, blathers about the protection spell she cast and how it worked. Darryl bitches about her being a "witch," too. I can remember scenes from The New Zoo Revue that contained more suspense.
Ms. Hellfire’s apartment. Piper and Prue enter through an elevator door. Prue exults in the glamorous décor and luxury. Piper, to her credit, dismisses it all as the fruits of the hit woman’s killing labor. She goes to check out the kitchen (huh? Will her forgotten chef’s training come in handy here?) while Prue goes straight to the woman’s closet in the bedroom. Prue oohs and aahs over all the rubber and latex fetish gear and starts feeling up the woman’s fur coats, exclaiming, "Oh! Oh! Oh my! Faux!" because Ms. Hellfire might have been a man-killer but she was too PC to wear real animal skins. A mass of contradictions she, and ten times more complex than the regulars on this program. Cut to Piper in the kitchen, finding bare cupboards. Then cut to Prue having even more orgasms as she finds an armoire full of jewelry and wigs, including this pink one that looks just the one Frenchie wore in Grease as the "Beauty School Dropout." In case we DIDN’T GET IT, Prue adds that she "could get used to this" and didn’t we already see this side of Prue in the "Futurama" episode? Aren’t we already well aware of Prue’s raging whore-whore complex? Prue holds a vinyl dress up to her figure in the mirror and you can already tell she’s plotting -- while I’m plotzing. Piper goes through the mail on a table, and enters the bedroom to find: Stand back, stand back in the middle of the room in the dominatrix dress, it’s Prue! As she throws a black floor-length duster with a fur collar and cuffs over the ensemble, she spins around in front of the mirror and grunts enthusiastically at her visage. Piper asks Prue why she’s "twirling." Prue starts to hyperventilate as she praises the hit woman’s wardrobe, explaining, "Opportunity knocked and I answered." Or rather, she KNOCKED SOMEONE OFF AND IS NOW STEALING THAT SOMEONE’S CLOTHES. Prue shows Piper the wigs and makeup kits and "prosthetic endowments." Dear god, please keep Shannen away from those this episode. The Ps figure that no one ever really knew what the hit lady looked like. Piper adds that she found some roses in the front room addressed to a "Ms. Hellfire." Prue struts over to the arrangement and sees that the card is signed "Bane." Suddenly the elevator door opens and three thugs come out, all pointing their -- titter, titter -- guns at Prue. Prue holds her hands up and the thugs address her as Ms. Hellfire. The lead thug says his name is DJ and his boss is "very angry" with her. Piper freezes everyone and walks into the room, telling Prue they need to book. Prue protests, because she wants to impersonate Ms. H and find out who Bane is. The hard Ps argue, because Piper thinks this is "too dangerous." Prue wins the argument by pointing out that she has "something," ahem, guns "can’t compete with [sic]." She adds that the "something" is her telekinetic power, and my mind is thrust out of the gutter. Prue gets all excited and asks Piper to unfreeze the thugs so her charade can continue. Piper thinks Prue is "a little too eager to play this role." Piper hides and unfreezes the thugs, who lead the strutting Prue out the door. Piper looks at their taillights and sighs, wondering if it’s too late for her to call and book Prue on the upcoming "Does Your Sister Dress Like A Ho?" installment of Ricki Lake.
In Candyland, the Baldwin Brothers are considered to be the premier acting family. Just ask the M&Ms.
Bane’s nightclub. A brief expository scene tells us a couple of things: Antonio Sabato, Jr. looks really hot despite his state-asylum buzz cut. And he’s playing a kinder, gentler mob boss who lets a deceitful underling off the hook for taking money from him with the warning: "Don’t lie to me again. Live and learn." Whatever! Bane spots La Femme Brinda strutting into his club at gunpoint. They walk up to each other. Antonio matches Shannen’s monotone acting style by unenthusiastically mouthing, "Wow you are more beautiful than I imagined do you like roses." La Femme Brinda "would have preferred orchids." Bane thinks LFB’s "beautiful AND honest." Honestly rude! They walk upstairs to an alcove. Bane’s club is so much cooler than P3. LFB sits down to Bane and takes off her coat, careful not to let one of her boobs slip out of her plunging-neckline vinyl dress while on camera. Bane blathers about how he’s been courting her "with messages" for a while, and she’s been "a tease." Then he bitches that she didn’t complete the Halliwell hit that morning. LFB says she didn’t have "a clean shot." He asks about the Steadman hit. LBF: "It was a blast." Thank you, Roger Moore. Bane compliments her on "her style" but reminds her that she still has to take out the Halliwell sisters by midnight. DJ walks up the stairs and serves them champagne. LFB asks Bane who hired her. Bane says, "You know." LFB: "Of course." Just then, Prue’s cell phone rings. She answers it. It’s Jack, still using Prue’s office because he’s at her desk, wearing Time/Life operator headphones. Jack bitches about Prue leaving that morning. Prue hisses back at him that she’s with "a client." Jack overhears Bane giving her a glass of champagne. Jack bitches even more, and reminds her about the deadline of their team project. Prue closes her eyelids and passes out, still clutching the cell phone in one hand and the champagne in the other. Edwina and Patsy would be very proud. Astral Prue, in her black vinyl hooker dress, appears in front of Jack at the auction house, but Jack doesn’t notice her. Prue awakens from her trance, shuddering and moaning, in front of Bane. He’ll have what she’s having! Just kidding. Prue hangs up on Jack, and Bane takes away her champagne. He tells La Femme Brinda that she needs to leave and complete the hits she’s been hired to do. He’ll drive her. As LFB walks downstairs, Bane tells DJ to meet with the "client" while they’re gone.
Bane’s office. DJ walks in. A grey-haired man with a heavily-lined face appears in a cloud of red smoke. The old guy is wearing a trendy black suit and looks like Keith Richards but talks real raspy and slow, like the late William Hickey. He wants to know why the witches aren’t dead. DJ asks him how he knows they’re still alive. The old guy sniffs the air like a dinner theater Hannibal Lecter and says he’s developed "a sixth sense" during the long time he’s spent "in purgatory." Further exposition: He only has a twenty-four-hour "window" for enough witches to be killed so he can escape purgatory. He bores us further by demonstrating his skill in discovering a person’s "worst fear" and creating it for them. Turns out DJ is scared of being machine-gunned by Bane, although wasn’t it already established that Bane’s a pretty nice guy for a mobster? DJ is sufficiently spooked by the guy. Not explained: Why this demon hired Bane to hire Ms. Hellfire, especially since he had this "fear-casting" power. BC Powders, please come to my rescue.
Halliwell Manor. Parlor. Dan "Fogelberg" Gordon is there, measuring the broken windows and telling Piper that he’s sending "his crew" over to fix them. Dan, honey, your "butch" appearance in the jeans and full tool belt is severely mitigated by the perfect tendrils of hair the stylist formed with gel to frame the shag around your face. Dan shakes his ’do around and tells Piper he’s worried about her safety. Piper assures him that the shooting was just a "random drive-by." Dan asks Piper to move in with him. He adds, in a casual aside, that the house has been empty SINCE JENNY MOVED BACK WITH HER FOLKS. For one thing: WOO HOO! For another thing: why were we spared a heavily promoted sweeps-month death of our most hated character? And how do we know that she even made it to Saudi Arabia? Didn’t we last see her abandoned on the sidewalk by her uncle? Oh wait, I DON’T CARE. Moving on. Dan adds that the other Ps can move in with him, too, until the danger’s over. Piper thinks that might be a bad idea "since some of us don’t wear pajamas." My world goes black for a couple of minutes. When I come to, Dan is leaving and Phoebe’s entered the house with M. Steadwell. Piper freezes everyone to get caught up with Pheebs. Piper tells Phoebe that Dan offered to shack up with her. Phoebe tells Piper that Darryl’s put Ms. Hellfire’s body in the morgue under M. Steadwell’s name. Piper adds that Prue is impersonating Ms. H, and she can astral Prue-ject now. Phoebe stamps her feet and whines, "I hate her!" Tee hee.
Ms. Hellfire’s apartment. La Femme Brinda and Bane enter. The place is full of orchids. LFB is impressed. Bane tells her to close her eyes. Although he’s a dangerous criminal, LFB risks it and opens her eyes to be rewarded with a stunning diamond necklace. Bane reminds her that she needs to kill the Halliwells "by midnight. Make it ten." He leaves. La Femme Brinda is perturbed.
Coroner’s office. DJ and the old-guy demon throw the medical examiner down on a slab. Turns out the coroner’s greatest fear is being autopsied himself. While he cowers under a floating brain saw, DJ and the demon check out M. Steadwell’s corpse. Since it doesn’t look like "an explosion victim," they figure out that Bane’s been double-crossed.
For the scruffy boy and purple-halter-top-wearing girl who waste a whole roll of Polaroid Sticky Film and a shitload of my patience to play an "all about our extremely limited range of goofy faces" game of foozball: scrips for Ritalin, caps on your allowances, and four years of military school each. ["Would you rather watch the one with the guy who makes his boobs move? No, I didn’t think so." -- Sars]
Halliwell Manor. Kitchen. M. Steadwell is shrieking, "Oh my stars!" because she just found wolf’s bane and holly thistle on the same shelf in a cupboard. The docile Ps come running. M. Steadwell "doesn’t want to second-guess a sister witch" but she wonders how they can cast effective spells that way. Piper gets her bitch on. Phoebe looks out the window and sees Prue pull up in front of the house in Ms. Hellfire’s black Porsche. Prue enters the manor through the front door and the Ps have a processing summit in the foyer. Piper: "Looks like being a hired killer agrees with you." Prue: "I wouldn’t want to run the risk of anyone seeing me out of uniform." Oh, and it’s not a risk that SHE’S WALKING INTO THE HALLIWELLS AND TALKING WITH THEM SO CONSPICOUSLY even though she’s supposed to be trying to kill them? Whatever! Piper says they’ve been worried about her, and asks her about Bane. Prue dodges the question. The docile Ps tell Prue that M. Steadwell is safe. Prue wonders why she was on the list with them. Piper and Phoebe dismiss M. Steadwell as an amateur witch, but a witch nonetheless. The Ps figure out that if the "P. Halliwell" on the list counted for three names, the total number of hits is thirteen. They figure out that these Friday the 13th hits must be the work of the demon Barabas who tried something similar last season. Phoebe wonders how he escaped to torment them again. Prue thinks he must have "found a loophole." Just one? There are so many in this episode. Prue says that she has to go back to Bane and confront Barabas. The docile Ps tell her not to. Prue says she has to, or she’ll have to show him three bodies. Phoebe: "Have fun!" Prue: "I’m working." Phoebe: "More like working it. I’ve taken a walk on the wild side, I know the signs." Prue pooh-poohs the docile Ps’ usual "don’t go off on your own" speech and leaves.
The Reptile Room bar. Also a much cooler nightclub than the P3AD. Cut to the dance floor. In slow motion film they’ve had left over at the WB since Keri Russell cut her billowing tresses, La Femme Brinda cuts a wide swath through the crowd. If you missed the episode or the promos, the only way I can describe the outfit is for y’all to try to imagine Cruella DeVille held captive as Jabba the Hutt’s concubine. LFB’s wearing a black overcoat with a wide thick white fur collar and cuffs, thrown over a black bra. Around her neck is a dog collar, from which a long feathered roach clip dangles. On her head isn’t Frenchie’s pink wig (although she is wearing Sandy’s tight leather "tell me about it, stud" pants) but a four-foot-long fake ponytail that came from the scalp of Crystal Gayle, or perhaps even an actual pony. Bane walks up to her and tells her that she "looks like she’s ready to celebrate." Yeah, her Soul Train Award. Bane asks if the Halliwells are dead. LFB tells him that the "night is young" and they "have business to discuss." She then asks him when she’ll get paid. Excuse me, but wouldn’t the real Ms. Hellfire have found this out before she killed nine people? LFB goes on about how Barabas might disappear before she sees her money. Bane says she can trust Barabas. LFB wants to meet with him. Bane leads her out to the dance floor instead. They writhe and dirty-dance and neck. DJ interrupts them to talk to Bane. LFB says she’ll just "amuse herself." There, in the middle of the dance floor in those spackled-on pants? Save it for the NC-17 Director’s Cut, Shannen. LFB decides to grab a random extra and dry-hump him instead. DJ tells Bane that Ms. Hellfire’s in the morgue and La Femme Brinda is a fraud. Ruh roh!
Halliwell Manor. Piper tries to call Prue on her cell phone but there’s no answer. M. Steadwell prances around the parlor with incense as Phoebe tries to contain her and Piper glares at her. The docile Ps are all about patronizing this "innocent" instead of protecting her, although her chant, "Send from our sister moon your protective beams/Give all who dwell within this spell safe days and sweet dreams" isn’t any less Hallmark Moment than any of the drivel in their Book of Shadows. Alyssa Milano, calling for a pot-kettle summit: "Who knew that perky could be so annoying?" Piper concurs and freezes M. Steadwell. The doorbell rings. Phoebe thinks that it might be Prue. Piper reminds Pheebs that Prue has a key. Phoebe thinks maybe Prue lost her key. Piper rolls her eyes, because her sister is a moron. She (natch) answers the door. It’s Dan with plywood for the windows. Piper shoos him over to the other room. M. Steadwell is unfrozen. Phoebe suggests that she "smudge" the second floor, and patronizingly calls M. Steadwell "honey" while she shoves her upstairs with her. Dan and Piper blather some more about his offer for her to shack up with him. They neck.
Bane’s office. La Femme Brinda enters, followed by Bane. Bane harshes on her for killing Ms. Hellfire and lying to him. Barabas appears and greets her as Prue Halliwell. Bane freaks. Barabas divines that Prue’s "greatest fear" is . . . loose-fitting cotton clothing! No, her fear is "that someone will kill [her] sisters." He convinces Prue that demons have taken the form of Piper and Phoebe in order to kill them. Her mission is to kill the fake docile Ps before midnight. Prue assents.
Hey, cutesy tow-headed bowling alley woman, just shill the Midol without resorting to the "guys just don’t understand my period" male-bashing.
Halliwell Manor. Foyer. And I thought this episode contained no surprises! PHOEBE ANSWERS THE DOOR. It’s Darryl. Since he hasn’t done enough for the Halliwells today by covering up their murder, Phoebe demands that he "babysit" M. Steadwell. She adds that the docile Ps want to go find Prue, because they fear she’s in danger. Darryl wants to join them. Phoebe tells him not to, because she doesn’t want him to get killed like Officer Andy. M. Steadwell comes downstairs, followed by Piper. Darryl asks M. Steadwell to come with him. M. Steadwell blathers some more about her "protection spell" and that "her work here is done." The docile Ps patronize her out the door. Classy, Charmed Ones. Real classy.
Ms. Hellfire’s apartment. Phoebe and Piper enter, providing exposition about spying the black Porsche outside and knowing Prue must be around. La Femme Brinda comes toward them and shows them the telekinetic hand. The docile Ps are thrown across the room. They book away from Prue down a hallway. LFB flings a decorative plate at them, mouthing brainwash-speak about "protecting her sisters," although it isn’t much different than Shannen’s usual monotone. Phoebe and Piper run out to the penthouse patio. Piper has a brainstorm involving splitting up and causing Prue to astral Prue-ject, although it isn’t really clear how that might prevent them from getting killed unless they were going to lop off the head of the Prue that’s in a trance. La Femme Brinda walks out onto the patio. Piper runs up some stairs. Phoebe remains behind. Both Phoebe and Piper yell for Prue to come to them, just like that Disney movie with the runaway horse who had to choose between the little boy and the crippled girl. La Femme Brinda stands still and closes her eyes while Astral Prue appears and stalks Piper up the stairs. Piper suddenly realizes this was a stupid idea and calls for Phoebe to join her. What follows is a demonstration of blocking so inept it can stand to any of the choreography Debbie Allen has provided for the Oscars. Phoebe walks by Astral Prue, who could easily have reached out and snatched her bald-headed, and joins Piper up the stairs. Piper and Phoebe start shouting out stuff to convince Astral Prue that they’re really her sisters, a lot of blather about leg warmers and Duran Duran that really just proves that they are cognizant of early ’80s pop culture. Phoebe then adds that she "taught [Prue] to kiss" and suddenly my world goes black again. When I come to, Astral Prue is gone and La Femme Brinda is back to normal. The Ps decide that they need to find Barabas and vanquish him.
Bane’s office. A big clock shows that it’s three minutes until midnight. Barabas threatens to kill Bane if Prue doesn’t return soon. Prue struts in, wearing that ridiculous Cruella DeVille coat over her black bra again. The docile Ps (natch) follow. Barabas orders Bane to shoot the Halliwells. Piper freezes them. Phoebe scopes Antonio Sabato, Jr. out, and is "beginning to see [Prue’s] attraction to the dark side." Prue: "It wasn’t just his dark side I was attracted to [sic]." Huh? Phoebe starts feeling Bane’s biceps up. Personal gain, much? Prue asks Piper to just unfreeze Bane. Phoebe takes away his, ahem, gun and Bane comes to. Bane: "What’s going on?" Prue: "Witchcraft at its best." Bane: "Y’all rented The Craft?" Actually, Bane just tries to run, and Prue throws him against the wall. Barabas comes unfrozen and the clock strikes midnight. He spins around and disappears in faux F/X flames. Phoebe: "I never get tired of kicking his butt." Perhaps that’s because you didn’t kick his butt, babe. Piper and Phoebe hug for some reason. Prue struts over to Bane and blathers about this experience giving him "something to think about in jail." What the? Jail? As if! Prue’s the only one who killed anyone this episode. Nonetheless, Bane says "that’s not the only thing [he’ll] think about." Word. I’m sure Bane and his cellmates will laugh about his descriptions of La Femme Brinda’s outfits for the duration of his sentence. Prue, with her bitch on as if she hadn’t been vamping him the whole episode: "Is that a threat?" Bane: "That’s a compliment." Whatever!
Halliwell Manor. The morning. In a burst of energy to rival Ms. Hellfire’s slaying of nine witches in eight hours, Dan and his crew have replaced all of the broken stained-glass windows in one night. Phoebe and Piper are wiping down said windows. Phoebe asks Piper if she’s going to shack up with Dan. Piper says that she’s tempted. Phoebe says she wants Piper’s room if she leaves. Piper declares that she’s staying at Halliwell Manor. Phoebe is pleased. She baby voices, "Ooo good, becauth oo hafta be wif yowah thithtas jus a widdle wile longa!" Piper blathers about having to "think some things out" before she can move in with Dan. She asks if Pheebs is happy about this. Phoebe says she’s "duh-lee-wee-us" and jumps on Piper’s lap to be coddled and burped. Prue struts into the sunroom in a sedate beige print wrap dress. She expositions on the cell phone with Darryl about giving M. Steadwell some of Ms. Hellfire’s jewelry to pay for her store that was destroyed in the explosion. She protests that the jewelry "is not hot" and hangs up the phone, although it really is "hot" BECAUSE SHE KILLED MS. HELLFIRE AND STOLE IT. Phoebe asks what else Prue got from Ms. Hellfire. Prue blathers about jewelry from Bane and paintings by Dali and Hockney. Piper, to her credit, reminds Prue that she can’t keep all of the stuff. Prue says she has an idea about what she can do with it -- save her job. She provides the Lesson of the Day about what she learned by becoming Ms. Hellfire: She needs to "change her routine, shake things up a bit." This makes the docile Ps laugh. Hmm, I for one think that Prue should shake her things a little less. The doorbell rings. I almost fall off my chair because PRUE ANSWERS IT while Piper’s still pinned down nursing Baby Phoebe before naptime. It’s Jack in an ugly black pleather blazer, bitching about Prue abandoning the auction house project. What does Prue have to say for herself? Prue brags about a $275,000 market value estate donation she acquired, not mentioning how SHE MURDERED SOMEONE TO GET IT. She adds that the donor stipulated that all proceeds go to the "Stop the Violence" foundation, so I guess that makes it all right in Prue’s moral universe. Jack is pleased. He says "he never doubted her for a moment." Prue calls him "a liar." They smirk at each other. Okay, here’s badinage. Three states over, well, that’s where these two are. Prue takes Jack out to celebrate. The Flute of Whimsical Denouement warbles. End.