The last recap of the year! Let's begin right away.
Sign proclaiming "Camp Skylark." I racked my brain for another nickname for the place, but since it reminds me of my favorite Johnny Mercer standard and I get so few pleasures from this show, I'll leave it alone. Pan down to a catatonic Prue "Deck the" Halliwell leaning against Piper's SUV and staring out at a dock on a lake. Prue, in a building telekinetic fury, causes the chains holding Jason underwater to break, freeing him to emerge on land at the summer camp and kill again. Actually, much to my chagrin, when I first saw the title of this episode and a brief synopsis, I expected the writers to rip off a flick like Friday the 13th Part VII: The New Blood. But this ep unexpectedly stole right and left from another low-brow horror flick: The Bridges of Madison County. A siren starts to wail and Prue gives a constipated look in close-up. Doodle-doodle-do, doodle-doodle-do. Houston, we have black-and-white flashback. I guess the siren was a police car, because the camera weaves past an ambulance and police vehicles and towards persons unknown milling around a body bag on the dock. Offscreen voices murmur, "Is that the little girl?" "Get her away from here! She shouldn't see this!" But she does, because the camera turns out to be Wee Prue's point of view, and she comes up to the body bag just as (natch) we identify the corpse as Patty "Staying Alive -- Not!" Halliwell. An officer picks Wee Prue up and we get a close-up of her wailing, "MOMMY! MOMMY! MOMMY!" Some Charmed-iana here: This must be the historic moment where Prue first got her bitch on! And some of you might be surprised that a little Asian girl is playing Wee Prue. But if you read the recent Charmed novelization as I did, you found out that when the Halliwells were young Prue really was Chinese, Piper was a Navajo Indian, and Phoebe was a small African-American boy with a medical condition that stunted his growth (but didn't hinder his ability to crack wise to his elders!). Then puberty and poor continuity set in. (Actually I think an Oriental-looking girl was cast to explain Shannen Doherty's unusual ocular features.) So Wee Prue Wan is wailing and the policeman carries her away.
Cut back to the present. Prue answers her cell phone. It's Piper "ThisClose To Choosing Herself" Halliwell. The hard Ps blather about Prue getting in stuck in traffic while driving back from an estate sale and Piper being worried, then call waiting comes on and Piper has to take the other line because it's Dan. Prue rightfully busts Piper by noting that since he only lives twenty feet away, they could use walkie-talkies or tin cans on string. Piper: "Point taken." Prue lets Piper go "to talk to [her] boy." Who does Prue think Piper is -- Sep? Prue hangs up and walks to the dock. She stands on the shore in her jeans and red midriff-baring halter as the camera pans up over her head and the score blares the dramatic alternating sounds of a choir moaning and metal being scratched. Cut to an uniformed policeman in a rowboat in the lake. Water churns beside the boat. He gapes at the churning water. From Prue's POV, we see him fall into the lake as the boat capsizes. The cop screams for help. Prue runs along the shore, but before she can go to help the guy, a grizzled, bearded older man appears and holds her back. Grizzly assures her, "It's too late!" Prue orders Grizzly to call 911 (although she's Ms. Yuppie Cell Phoner) as she looks out at the lake. Then she turns around, but Grizzly's vapor.
Credits. I've been chastised lately for not giving this show enough "credit." In the holiday spirit, here goes: Wow! Those Halliwells! They put the "We Can" back in Wiccan! They surely do!
Satisfied? Now, back to the griping.
Ad. Novelty fragrances for preteen girls, I assume. Grapefruit, Cotton Candy, Gummi Bear, Vanilla, and Musk. Musk? Has anybody ever gotten laid wearing musk? ["No." -- Sars] On that note, perhaps parents should give their thirteen-year-old daughters musk; they'll remain virgins longer.
Ecch! As San Francisco is established, we hear the sounds of someone turning the ignition key of a car that's already been started -- also known in certain circles as Melissa Etheridge "singing." Not! Hill. Halliwell Manor, same day. Piper walks around the first floor of the house while she giggles and talks into the cell phone. She enters the kitchen and sits at the table to Phoebe "Bare Voyant" Halliwell. Piper: "Pouring." She's talking into the phone as she pours her granola into a bowl. Cut to Dan "Mon Cheerio Amour" Gordon noshing on some unidentified sugary kids' cereal that might be Fruity Pebbles. If they are -- no comment. Dan, his mouth full, says into the phone: "Chewing." Owen: "Spewing." Piper: "I can't believe you eat that stuff." To her credit, Phoebe bitches aloud that "you guys are killing me with cuteness over here." Piper asks Pheebs if she doesn't have to be "someplace far away." Once again I must give Phoebe props, because she scoots her chair close to Piper and throws her plastic bracelet encrusted arm around her sister's shoulders like a true smart-ass. This was kind of funny, but there are times when I watch these grown women living in this mansion and acting and dressing like eighth-grade mall crawlers and I swear I'm watching Grey Gardens: The TV Series. Anyway, Dan invites Piper over to Gordon Manor "tomorrow, after Jenny's left for school." Once again in this episode I must give a despised character props -- at least Dan's not parading his bedmates past his impressionable charge like that randy Charlie Salinger up the street. Piper: "I'll take what I can get." Whatever that means. I take it to mean that if all the two of them have to talk about is breakfast cereal, there's not much else holding the relationship together. Oh, then Phoebe quips, "Nausea?" Word.
Then Prue storms onto the scene. The docile Ps wonder what she's doing home because Prue told them she was heading straight to work. I hope she's come home to change -- Prue's thrown on a really bizarre floor-length black bathrobe/cardigan over her jeans and halter ensemble. She explains that "things changed." Piper tells Dan she'll call him back. Prue tells the docile Ps what she saw at the lake as they follow her upstairs. The docile Ps freak out that Prue was at "the lake," as in the lake where their mother drowned. Prue refuses to talk about Patty's drowning and any connection there might be at all to the death she just witnessed. She throws some clothes into a bag and explains that she's going to drop in at Buckland's, then head back to Camp Skylark to investigate. Prue adds that the camp is re-opening the day, and if there's a killer demon out there, "the last thing [they] need is a lake full of kids." Piper remembers a Mrs. Johnson who runs the camp, and decides to take Phoebe with her up to the lake to ask the woman who Grizzly is. Prue books off to work. The docile Ps agree that what Prue saw had something to do with their mother's death, and the lake Prue's been visiting ain't just a river in Egypt.
Buckland Auction House. Prue's put on black sunglasses, because who'd want to be recognized in that Britney Spears-meets-Maude ensemble? She walks into her office and sees Jack "Preppy Lay Prue?" Sheridan sitting at her desk. She demands to know what he's doing there. He replies that he's "pondering redecorating." No comment. He complains that Prue's office is so bland: "Where's the flair? The panache? The Prue?" Prue replies, "That's none of your business," referring I suppose to that certain je ne sais quoi that is "The Prue." She says she has a lot of work to do, and takes off her bathrobe/cardigan thing. Jack informs Prue that he's working at BAH now also, and will be using her office until he gets one of his own. Let me add: Whatever! And: Not! Does this happen at any company ever, besides Sheer Contrivance, Inc.? And what happened to Sheridan Internet Auctions? Has it relocated to the Lost Island of Discarded Plot Devices, where it's now staffed by Sideshow Joe and Unfrozen Caveman Boyfriend Alan and Tommy Tech Vest and Non-Discriminating-TV-Owen and Gosh-How-I-Miss-Claire and Bodie from Dawson's Creek? So Jack explains that since Prue told him that she couldn't work with and date him, "one of them would have to do." Before Prue can go bitch out the high muck-a-mucks at BAH for hiring her stalker, Jack puts his feet up on her desk to reveal that he's wearing a coat and tie on top, and tap pants and strappy heels below. At least I swear it looked like he was half transvestite for a second. Upon closer inspection, he's shown to be secretly wearing surfer trunks and river sandals under his business wear -- making him, what? A trans-tech-vest-ite? I guess this is supposed to be endearing in the same vein as Dan's newly displayed love for children's cereal, because the men on this show are either deadly warlocks or just little boys lined up to be scolded and molded by the Halliwell women. Ugh. ! Prue gapes at Jack's ensemble and has the hypocritical cojones to say: "You consider that proper work attire?" Reading my mind, Jack calls Prue on her own outfit. But then he adds some compliment about her looking so foxy that "it's a wonder anybody gets any work done around here." And he makes that horndog "rowwwrrrrr" sound I haven't heard on prime time television since Larry from Three's Company. Prue tries to quip: "Flattery will get you nowhere." Jack responds with an equally feeble zinger: "Got me this job." Prue single-entendres (tm Wing) about her office "hands-off" policy. Jack says he'll just sit back in Prue's chair and make himself "comfy." Then he falls back and out of her chair in a blinding display of pasty white "Clinton goes jogging" thighs. It's not played up that Prue caused this with her telekinetic power, so I have no idea why this happened, except to set Prue up for one last lame attempt at wit before departing: "Nice form, but your dismount could use a little work." Jack retorts that "[he] meant to do that" to Prue's taillights. Pee-Wee Herman waits for his royalty check. Owen pours three fingers of whiskey. Eh, make that five.
Camp Skylark. Mrs. Johnson serves Piper a tray full of cookies while blathering on about years ago when the Halliwell girls attended her summer camp. Or at least she tries to talk, because the actress -- who I spot as one of the elder Spelling players who I think appeared a few times on Fantasy Islandor The Love Boat but was never a big enough name to show up later as one of the parents on Melrose Place -- has had her face lifted more times than a champagne glass at a Mafia wedding. Phoebe, in a blue Lycra midriff-baring top and this really unflattering black striped mini with an asymmetrically cut hem worn over black leggings, joins her sister on the sofa, but not before grabbing the entire tray of cookies from Piper before her sister can have one. Then she sits there for the rest of the scene leaning forward, protecting the cookies on her lap and chowing down. The suspense is unbearable: Will Piper get a cookie? If not, will Piper kick Phoebe's ass here, or wait until they're back in San Francisco? Or will Piper wait until February sweeps to wreak Biblical vengeance on the lazy Ps for their shoddy Jan Brady-ish treatment of her? As I bite my nails, Mrs. Johnson cracks her taut Mary Tyler Moore/Carol Burnett post-op grimace wide enough to let the sisters know that Grizzly is a guy named Sam who lives on the lake, is pretty crazy and showed up when the drownings started.
Outside Mrs. J's cabin. Prue pulls up in Piper's SUV. She gets out. Now she's wearing a white wife-beater. As die-hard fans of Prue hope that this isn't the show where she ends up dead, I whisper my silent prayer that this isn't the show where she ends up drenched. Mrs. J and the docile Ps come out to greet her. Mrs. J goes on about how much Prue looks like her mother. Prue gives Mrs. J the stink eye and snaps that Piper's the one that resembles Patty the most. Prue's rudeness causes an awkward silence to fall. Mrs. J tells the Halliwell sisters goodbye, and adds her wish that they'll come visit again. Prue just looks at the ground. Rude much? Then we cut to a POV shot with the camera in the middle of the lake getting water all over the lens, implying something stalking the Halliwells on the shore.
The docile Ps fill Prue in that Mrs. J has decided not to re-open the camp the day, and that they know where Grizzly lives. Prue's cell phone rings. It's Jack with more attempted badinage. The writers have him call Prue "[his] favorite auction-ette" and Prue weakly lobs back a reference to Jack as an "auction-ass." Witty, huh? Perhaps "auction-nerd" would have been more apt, but what do I know? Jack thinks Prue's insult is "a nice one." He lets Prue know that he's taking lunch with one of Prue's clients, Mr. Fujimoto. She gets her bitch on and hangs up. ! The docile Ps then justifiably get their bitches on about Prue's shoddy treatment of Mrs. J. Prue whines that comparisons of her to her mother are "terrifying" because she and Patty have so much in common: "No success with guys, being responsible for a family, [and] the possibility of dying young because of this 'charmed' thing." Whatever! (And note how Rules-Girl Prue is always measuring her happiness in relation to whether she has a boyfriend.) Anyway, the docile Ps think all of that is mere coincidence and Prue shouldn't fear ending up with Patty's fate. She doesn't believe them, and snits off (tm amorgan. Hey, amorgan! Come back soon!) to check out Grizzly's cabin. The docile Ps (natch) follow. Grizzly watches them from the bushes.
Cut to Mrs. J on her dock, tying up a boat. Water churns beside the dock and suddenly the CGI water demon, i.e. the Not! Ness Monster, jumps out and drags Mrs. J into the lake. She tries to scream, but the skin around her mouth has been surgically stretched tighter than the F/X budget of this show. We see more splashing and thrashing, then a sad, very un-subtle shot of the "WELCOME CAMPERS" banner that fell into the water with Mrs. J. An anvil floats to it.
Grizzly's cabin. The Ps break in. As Phoebe enters, she Elmer Fudds, "Be vewy vewy quiet, we're hunting demons." No one, onscreen or in the viewing audience, laughs. The Ps start going through Grizzly's stuff. Criminal much? Prue finds a photo of Patty. The Ps all gape at this discovery. Then Prue finds a knee-high stack of newspaper clippings chronicling all of the drownings at the lake. What kind of parents (besides Susan Smith) would send their kids to this camp? Piper makes her own discovery: a "Teacher of the Year" certificate from New York, circa 1872, although the paper she holds up looks mighty new and crisp. Phoebe the mathematical genius figures: "That means Grizzly is either a demon or 127 years old." Sure, Pheebs -- he was teaching from the cradle, this one-year-old, youngest "Teacher of the Year" in New York history. Prue reminds the other Ps that Grizzly saved her from the Not! Ness Monster, so he must be a good guy. Piper then finds some letters Grizzly wrote and received from their mother. She pockets them. Suddenly Leo "Dim As A Forty" Wyatt "Bulb" orbs onto the scene, telling the Ps to book out of there before Grizzly comes back. The Ps refuse, because I guess staying there and taking the opportunity to second-guess and backtalk Leo is well worth the risk of getting caught trespassing. Prue gets her bitch on and demands to know why Leo's there. Does he know something about Grizzly? Leo explains that Grizzly was "Patty's white lighter." Piper and the other Ps express shock. Y'all know what a "white lighter" is, right? Because there are probably new viewers out there who are thinking Grizzly was Patty's disposable Bic or something.
Dear Radio Shack: Please fire your ad agency. Teri Hatcher and Howie Long couldn't convince me to purchase dialysis if I suffered from renal failure. Sincerely yours, Owen.
Outside Grizzly's cabin, near the lake. Long boring scene. I zone out some of the dialogue due to my shock at seeing some of the actors shedding their vanity by allowing shooting in full daylight. Especially Ms. Doherty and Mr. Krause, who look like they've lived every day twice. Leo explains that after Patty's death, Grizzly cut off his testi -- er, clipped his wings and became mortal. Phoebe whines about Grizzly failing to protect their mother, since it was his job. Then Piper wails on Leo for never telling the sisters that Grizzly existed. If I were Leo, I would have orbed out of the Halliwells' lives for good by now; not a show has gone by this season without Leo showing up to help them and one of the sisters crouching down and depositing the equivalent of a four-shot cappuccino all over the guy. To her credit, Prue puts the docile Ps back on task by reminding them about their mission to stop the water demon. Leo suggests that Piper and Phoebe go back to the city to look up the demon in the Book of Shadows. Phoebe: "Said like an unfeeling professional. This is personal to us." Shut up, Phoebe. Piper adds: "Leo doesn't do personal anymore. He just does his job." Shut up, Piper. And try to remember WHO SUGGESTED THAT YOUR RELATIONSHIP BECOME STRICTLY PROFESSIONAL IN THE FIRST PLACE. Leo: "I guess there's no other reason for me to be around." He orbs off. Good for him. With Leo gone, Phoebe starts to lay into Prue again about her denial issues, but the screams of Mrs. J interrupt her.
The dock. The Halliwells all jiggle toward the lake. The docile Ps run out to the end of the pier and reach for Mrs. J's thrashing body. They call for Prue to help, but she's stalled on the shore, back in flashback land. Wee Prue Wan screams "MOMMY! MOMMY!" again, and her face fades into a close-up of catatonic older Prue. Grizzly comes running out of the bushes and tells the Ps to get away from the lake right away. Phoebe and Piper jiggle toward the shore as water sprays around them. Grizzly explains to the Ps that the demon only kills in the water. Prue gives him the stink-eye and tells him that they know who he is. Grizzly admits that he was Patty's protector, and adds that he knew the Halliwell girls would show up one day. Phoebe gets her bitch on and tells Grizzly that he has "no right to talk about [Patty]." Excuse me, but who brought up the subject in the first place? Shut up, Pheebs. Phoebe whines, "You lost that right when you lost her," then huffs off a few paces away. Can someone please send Pheebs to the WB's chapter of the "Motherless Daughters" support group stat? (As usual, Joey Potter will be moderating.) Piper asks Grizzly to tell them what he knows about the demon. He explains that the monster jumps from the lake into people's bodies and drowns them from inside. (Explaining why Mrs. J lived through two scenes and five commercials.) Grizzly adds that Patty used her power to freeze time -- same as Piper's -- to try to stop the demon, but her emotions got in the way and caused her to fail. He tells the Ps to leave the lake and not even try to fight the monster. Prue gets her bitch on and tells him they're not leaving, throwing out the ultimatum: "You have one chance. Get on board, or get out of the way." Grizzly agrees to get on board. Phoebe comes back from her snit and asks him how they can kill the demon. In reply, he reaches into his jeans-jacket pocket and blows powder into the three Ps' faces, declaring, "You don't." Then he hypnotizes them to go back to the city and go to bed, forgetting everything about him and the demon in the lake.
Halliwell Manor. The morning. Holy Cessation of Dramatic Momentum, Batman! Owen groans about having to go through all of the machinations of the program's first half-hour ALL OVER AGAIN. Piper and Prue, in night clothes, greet each other in the upstairs hallway. Phoebe comes out of the bathroom in a pajama top with a towel pressed on her forehead. She bitches in her cloying baby voice about "not fee-wing so good." Piper starts to scratch her back and arms. The Ps are reminded of when Prue got poison ivy in summer cam, and figure that must be what's happened to Piper. Excuse me? The Poor Continuity Fairy must have visited her in the night, because I missed the scene from the day before where Piper rolled around in the underbrush. The doorbell rings. Piper (natch) goes to get it. It's (natch) Dan, with a tray holding two bowls of cereal. Piper doesn't remember inviting him over. Leo orbs into the foyer behind the door. Piper freezes Dan and asks Leo what's the big. The Ps join them in the foyer and Leo reads the Ps' beads for not being up at the lake fighting the Not! Less Monster. He tells them that Camp Skylark has re-opened despite Mrs. J's death, and kids are heading there as he speaks. The Ps are confused. Leo figures that Grizzly slipped them a "magical mickey," and fills them in on the sitch. Once the running time has been sufficiently padded, Piper shoos everyone from the door and unfreezes Dan. She blows him off with the excuse of "family stuff." Dan's fine with it, and is "just glad that she can tell him things." Since Leo's still hiding within earshot behind the door, Piper decides to twist a chopping knife into his heart by replying to Dan, "I feel that I can tell you anything." Leo winces. Run into the light, Leo Ann! Piper shuts the door. Phoebe and Prue decide to head to the camp. Prue grabs Piper's hair, calls her "contagious girl" and leads her toward the stairs, as Phoebe inexplicably fans her towel behind Piper's back. What the? The lazy Ps tell Piper to go back to bed and look up the demon in the BoS to find a way to defeat it while they head to the lake.
Camp Skylark. School buses pull up and moppets are unloaded. It seems a lot of parents are sending their offspring to this abandoned, unsupervised rural retreat of watery death in the middle of the school year. The Not! Ness Monster stalks them from the water-logged camera POV in the lake.
Attention! Those of y'all who took the opportunity to avoid seeing Jack Frost and Wild, Wild West at movie theaters (i.e. "the entire world"): You now have the opportunity to avoid both films on home video and DVD.
Camp Skylark. The lazy Ps pull up in Prue's convertible. Prue, in another wife-beater paired with some Daisy Dukes, gets out of the car. Pheebs, in a flowered lavender Danskin top and some ugly red drawstring pants with a ruffled waistband, joins her. As usual, despite the haste involved in rescuing innocents, Pheebs found the time to put her hair up in an intricate 'do -- this one involves a loose bun interwoven with thin braids and tiny flowerbuds. Phoebe's all about wondering how they can save the kids. Prue has an idea. Pheebs "loves it when [Prue] takes charge." Well, that's one of us. Prue says she'll dope the kids with Grizzly's magic powder. She sends Pheebs to keep the "prepubescent demon food" away from the water while she waits for the man, twenty-six dollars in her hand.
Grizzly's cabin. Prue struts in like she owns the place, without even knocking on the door. Grizzly is inside grinding an ax -- literally! He expresses his regret at not giving the sisters "a stronger dose." Prue bitches at him about how he's currently endangering the lives of innocents by not agreeing to help the sisters defeat the water demon. Then she lays into him about "sitting back" for so many years, "watching" all of the others drown in the lake. Grizzly listens to this while holding the sharpened ax, and I wait for the Friday the 13th homage to begin any minute now with a hatchet shampoo. But Prue switches her bitch off and gently convinces Grizzly that he still has "white lighter instincts" despite his "clipped wings." Grizzly gets all blubbery and expresses his remorse over Patty's death. He says that he only stayed at the lake to protect her daughters from the water demon, because he knew they'd inevitably show up. Prue responds, "You're going to defeat your demons, Grizzly, and help us defeat the one out there." Grizzly gives her a heaping dosage of the knock-out powder and replies that it's Prue's turn to "defeat [her] demons," too. Just when I think that the anvil-hurling competition is a draw with the "inner demons = corporeal demons" exchange, Grizzly holds up his ax and easily takes the gold by declaring: "Let's bury the hatchet!" I made the last part up; it really ended in a tie.
Halliwell Manor. Parlor. Leo speed-reads the BoS with glowing Tap Lights TM in his palms. He can't find anything on the Not! Ness Monster. Piper comes in, wearing a pink sleeveless turtleneck to match her calamine lotion and carrying a load of laundry. Hey Piper, if you're "contagious" with poison ivy, should you really be handling clean clothes? Oh, I get it -- it's payback time for the lazy Ps. Piper tells Leo to leave if he can't find anything to do there but feel sorry for her. Then she bitches at him for not being able to cure her of the poison ivy with his "healing touch." Leo forcefully "touches" his "heel" to Piper's ass. Actually, he explains that he can only heal when he's "allowed to, or meant to." Piper bitches some more about not being able to help the lazy Ps up at the lake. Leo says that maybe Piper's "meant to" be at the manor for some reason. Just then, Piper unloads the laundry and finds the Grizzly-Patty letters stuffed into a pocket, along with an anvil.
Camp Skylark. Phoebe has somehow enticed all of the kids into a cabin, and she suggests they all play "Red Rover." Inside this small cabin? What the? The kids, who I instantly all adopt as my foster children, loudly shout Pheebs down. Phoebe suggests "Thumbs Up, Seven Up." The kids, who are all getting the latest Nintendo systems and games from their Uncle Owen for Christmas, wail on Pheebs some more and add thumbs-down gestures. Then Phoebe seems to get a brainstorm by spying two rolls of cord and suggesting "Candy-yerds [sp?]." Does anyone know what this is? I suspect it's a game Phoebe made up as a child when the brighter children shunned her, much like Ralph Wiggums and "Wiggle Puppy." The kids all earn two weeks at Disneyland with their dear Uncle Owen by wailing on Pheebs even louder. One boy suggests that they all blow off Phoebe and go swimming. Pheebs gives him the stink-eye. Prue walks in on this poor man's Up the Down Staircase. Phoebe asks her if she's got the dope. Prue nods. Grizzly joins them. Just then, Prue's cell phone rings. She walks outside and answers it. It's Jack; he has her on conference call so she can listen to him speak Japanese and steal her sale with Mr. Fujimoto. She gets her bitch on and warns him that she "sure as hell" won't let him take credit as the sales agent. Jack tells her "to trust [him]." She hangs up. ! Cut to Phoebe drugging the children with a cloud of "-day stupids" powder. As the doped-up kids shuffle out of the cabin, Pheebs waves her arms around, yelling, "As you go to bed, remember: Water -- bad. Land -- good. Water -- bad. Land -- good." Charmed -- bad. Buffy -- good. Char -- oops, I guess some of that powder seeped into my apartment.
Halliwell Manor. Pier One Parlor. Leo and Piper sit on the white wicker and alternately read passages from Patty and Grizzly's love letters. Piper reads as Patty's voice and Leo reads as Grizzly and well, parallels are drawn with the WORLD'S LARGEST SHARPIE MARKER. Like mother, like daughter. Can't help lovin' dat white lighter o' mine. Acorn. Tree. Fell? Not far. WE GET IT, GET IT, GET IT. Piper tells Leo that she has to go tell her sisters about their discovery of Patty's romance with Grizzly. Don't ask me how that will help the Ps save the endangered children in any way. Leo offers to orb her to the camp. Piper asks if that would be "breaking the rules." Leo rationalizes that they've already broken most of the rules already. Uh, but for Piper to orb with him -- they'll have to embrace. Ruh roh! They grab each other and fade out in Leo's Blue Light Reunion Tour Express.
Camp Skylark. Prue asks Grizzly how Patty planned to vanquish the water demon. Grizzly doesn't know or remember. Suddenly Leo and Piper orb onto the scene. Piper is so winded from the trip she "has to lie down," so I guess orbing takes a lot out of you, which explains why Brian Krause looks like he could play Chris Atkins's father in the Blue Lagoon sequel. Prue asks what they're doing there. Piper blurts out that Patty had a secret love thang with Grizzly. Grizzly admits that it's true, and goes on to say that because he fell in love with her and broke "all the rules" when he showed up at the dock while she was trying to kill the water demon, he distracted her and caused her to die. Piper and Leo get close-ups on their guilty-looking faces during his big confessional, in case we didn't ALREADY GET IT. But WE DID, so let's move on. Grizzly blah blah regretted her death every remaining day of his life flap flap can't help the sisters because Patty froze him and he doesn't know what really went down on the dock yadda yadda. Prue suggests that Phoebe use her psychic power to find out what really happened. Phoebe makes it all about her and wails some more about Prue's coldness and denial and "this isn't fair!" Whoever convinced you that life was fair really had it in for you, Pheebs. Boo hoo. Prue convinces her to do it. Phoebe touches Grizzly's hands. Doodle-doodle-do, doodle-doodle-do. B&W flashback. Patty runs down the dock and picks up some cables. Grizzly tells her to look out, because the Not! Ness Monster is looming behind her. She turns and freezes him. With her back turned, the demon leaps into her and well, she's dead -- wrapped in plastic. End of story. Phoebe comes back from the flashback, emoting and gasping, "It entered her! It drowned her from the inside!" Prue asks Pheebs what Patty was doing when she was attacked. Phoebe says it looked like she was holding some wires. Piper concludes that Patty was trying to electrocute the demon and kill it by separating its water particles. The Ps process some more and decide to use Patty's plan but to put Prue on the dock instead, since the freezing power doesn't work on the monster. Cut to Prue grimacing, making it all about her now.
Sure, Jack from Will and Grace, I believe you're straight in that 1-800-COLLECT commercial. About as much as I believe that Chuck Norris does not wear a rug, and a cheap one to boot.
Camp Skylark. Prue stands at the shore end of the dock. The white lighters and docile Ps encourage her to "just focus on the demon." I'm finding it hard to focus on anything but the fact that Shannen Doherty's cut-offs are unbuttoned and the waistband is pulled down. What's up with that? Anyway, Grizzly says aloud that he "forgot how good this feels." Huh? Like what? Watching a Halliwell die? Oh, I guess he means demon-fighting, because he joins Prue on the dock. He adds, "Let's go face our demons," and the dock collapses under the weight of a forty-ton anvil, sealing his and Prue's doom. Actually, the dock stays intact and they walk out to the edge. Prue grabs the jumper cables and gives her dramatic monologue: "Here I am! Come and get me! You took what mattered most to me, and as long as I live, you will never kill again!" Before she can add, "As God as my witness," dig up a radish and retch, the Not! Ness Monster churns up the water and emerges before her. Leo and the docile Ps freak and call out to her. Prue turns around to look at them. Piper and Phoebe run onto the dock. Piper turns and freezes Leo so he remains on shore. Grizzly screams, "No!" and runs over to place himself between the twenty-feet-tall, pretty decent CGI effect and Prue. Grizzly demands, "Not her! Take me!" The demon enters Grizzly. Grizzly grabs the power cables and tells Prue, "Now!" (If you're wondering how Grizzly is able to speak with his body full of water, so is Brak666. And so am I. And so are the other eight people still focused on the outcome of this plot.) Prue telekinetically throws the switch on the generator. The water demon evaporates out of Grizzly as he is electrocuted. Cue an extremely long and loquacious death scene for a man whose heart should have immediately stopped beating. Grizzly lies in Prue's arms and declares: "It's gone!" Piper unfreezes Leo and demands that he try to "heal" Grizzly, but he fails. Grizzly continues, "It's okay. It's time to go. I've done what I was meant to do. I kept it from happening. History won't repeat itself." The ghost of Patty Halliwell, wearing only a thin slip negligee, appears on the shore of the lake, and suddenly the mystery of Prue and Phoebe's inability to dress conservatively and appropriately is solved. Grizzly, STILL ALIVE, queries, "Patty?" Patty beams at him. Prue tells Grizzly to "say hi for me. For us." (Phew, quick save. For a minute there she almost appeared selfish while she ORDERED A DYING MAN AROUND.) The ghost of Grizzly appears to Patty and they walk off onto the water, having sacrificed themselves for all our sins. You'd think the Ps, having set their dead mother up with a dead boyfriend, would be all happy now. But the camera pans away from them sitting on the dock with Grizzly's corpse, looking bummed.
Cut to an aerial shot of San Francisco Bay. Buckland Auction House. The mood is lightened with the unintentional hilarity of Prue strutting down the hallway in yet another god-awful ensemble: black stretch pants and this red short-sleeved polo button-front top that reminded me of the Dry-El commercial where the woman shrinks her sweater and gives it to her miniature dachshund to wear, except that Prue just stretched it on herself anyway instead of giving it to Kit the Cat so it shows off six inches of her midriff and fits poorly around the neck, and she has it unbuttoned so far that we see her lacy grey bra. Oh, and her hair is worn loose, except for this hunk around the crown that at first I thought was perhaps a yarmulke but is perhaps either some harsh back-combing or a fall that's pulled into a sectional bun/ponytail thing. So we have Prue walking down the hallway towards the camera in this get-up, and Jim Beam is sprayed all over my shirt front. She bursts into her office. Jack is sitting at her desk. She gives him a lecture about all of the hardships and hurdles she's faced at Buckland's, "including bosses who tried to kill her," and how "nothing he plans to do will surprise [her]." Cue a stunning reversal so predictable anthropologists believe it's part of the innate knowledge all primates possess at birth: Jack gives her the sale credit form to sign, and (natch) Prue's "surprised." She decides to take him out to dinner "as a thank you." Then she proposes her theory that some mixtures of "business and pleasure" might turn out "nasty" while some might turn out "fruitful." This sounds more like a Recipe for Disaster than a Lesson of the Day, but okay. Jack asks whether their relationship will turn out "nasty" or "fruitful" (no comment). Cosmo Girl Prue vamps Jack by telling him "that depends on how you do at dinner." Oy.
Halliwell Manor. Parlor. Phoebe sits on the floor, pasting papers into a book. Turns out she's putting Patty's steamy love missives in the family album. Ew! Although Pheebs has something in her mouth, she manages to mumble that "although this whole demon-fighting thing didn't bring [their] mother back, [she] got the best thing." Okay. Hey, I just figured out what's up with her mouth! Gum! Forget talking -- Alyssa Milano's so dumb she can't even chew gum and chew gum at the same time. Leo orbs into the foyer behind Pheebs. Piper spots him and gets up to make some tea. She joins Leo in the kitchen. As Piper puts on water for some soothing herbal tea, Leo confesses his undying love for his beautiful soulmate although he knows it will never be, then Sarah McLachlan starts warbling and -- oh my. I was warned by Sars and Wing last summer when I accepted the gig to recap this particular show that it might happen. An empathy visit from Aunt Flo. Can you excuse me for a moment?
Seventeen minutes later, Leo and Piper are still breaking up. The oh-so-symbolic teapot comes to a boil, and Piper turns off the burner. Leo orbs off, allegedly for good, as Sarah works up to a cathartic caterwaul. Someone knocks on the kitchen door. Piper, all teary-eyed, goes to (natch) answer it. It's (natch) Dan, with his damned tray of lame breakfast cereal again. Piper says she isn't very hungry. Not a hint-taker he, Dan replies, "Come on, give it a try." He grabs what looks to be a piece of Cap'n Crunch and puts it in his mouth, attempting to make the gesture seem seductive and failing quite miserably. Piper goes with him out the door, as if he's that intriguingly cute rooster-haired boy from Roswell carrying a tray of Cracklin' Oat Bran.
Which just happens to be what Owen's asking Santa for for Christmas, if y'all were wondering.
Happy holidays to all! Have fun! Drive careful!