Museum of Natural History, or rather, the Archive of Discarded Tales of the Gold Monkey Props. Day. Some professor is lecturing a bunch of students in a room full of display cases. I wonder if this is the museum where Prue worked in the series premiere, or if Phoebe has made good on her earlier threat to learn some "cool" stuff by taking classes, but this scene turns out to have nothing to do with the Halliwells at all and bored me to tears. Professor Two-Times (tm Goodfellas) is all: "Blah blah fabled book buried in the desert called the Acassic Records prattle prattle written account of all significant events throughout time yadda yadda powerful stuff -- could help you win the lottery, or tenure." Whatever, get back to your community college. The professor continues: "Everyone from Hera to Hitler has tried to locate the books wah wah to find them, to find them, one needs a map blather." Cut to Tommy Tech Vest standing near a large stone tablet, taking notes. The professor adds that whoever can break the code on the tablet will know the latitude and longitude of the records. The hieroglyphics on the tablet must include anvils, iron skillets, and baby grand pianos because Tommy Tech Vest suddenly exclaims, "That’s it!" and bolts out of there, nearly mowing down the prof. Nondescript Thug watches this.
Bay Ridge Convalescent Hospital, or rather, the Vegetable Patch-Up. Tommy Tech Vest is talking to his comatose father. TTV says he’s "cracked the map," and the results are all in his brain. He points to his head when he says this, so we’re clued in: either he’s a moron or he thinks the viewers are. Cut to Daddy Von Bulow, with his eyes rolled far back into his head. This character should have been named Owen to represent me on the show, instead of the frosted-tips guy two episodes ago, but I wasn’t asked. TTV tells SVB he’s worried that "they’ll come after me the way they came after you." Phoebe "Low Rent Nightingale" walks in carrying flowers and wearing a hot pink candy-striper smock. Now I know this is California and she’s only working around the comatose and she’s merely an unpaid volunteer, but I find it completely inappropriate that she’s sporting several long braided leather feather-ended roach clips in her hair. Phoebe the neurosurgeon tells TTV that he must believe his Dad can hear him, or he "wouldn’t be talking to him." Thus we know that TTV and Phoebe are destined to marry and mate and produce several little Ralph Wiggums. Thug Doctor walks into the room and asks if he can speak to TTV in private. Phoebe the Fulbright Scholar stands there for a moment, then points to the door with both arms and deciphers aloud, "Oh. Yeah. Right. Outside!" She leaves. Thug Doctor and Tommy Tech Vest argue about possibly moving SVB because he’s not recovering. TTV storms out, bumping into Pheebs in the hallway. She shudders and has a psychic vision of TTV being held down while someone sticks a large needle into his brain. She chases after him, but he’s vapor.
Halliwell Manor. Day. In the parlor, "Finally Got A Piece Of The" Piper Halliwell, in a pink t-shirt and a lavender blouse, is packing clothes into a suitcase. "Quid" Prue "Quo" Halliwell storms into the scene, wearing brown stretch pants and -- oh my god -- this retina-burning acid-green ribbed boob-sling halter top and um, "party hats" in lieu of a brassiere. She’s freaking because she thinks "Jack, the Internet Auction guy, might be a warlock," because the other day he was at the coffee place one second and the second he appeared at the newsstand. She asks Piper where Pheebs is, because she wants to find a "warlock test." Piper tells Prue that Pheebs is at the hospital. Prue gives Piper grief about being a "warlock magnet," having dated Jeremy from the series premiere. Piper gives as good as she gets by bringing up Prue’s demonic co-workers at Buckland’s, Rex and Hannah. Prue drops it and says whatever and finally asks Piper why she’s packing. Piper says she’s going on an overnighter with Dan to his friend’s wedding. Prue, all Nosy Nora, asks Piper about the sleeping arrangements. Piper gives Prue some ass-kicking arrangements. Oops, really she says, "Those have not been decided." Prue just won’t let it go and pulls a black lace teddy out of Piper’s luggage and asks her if it’s a tennis dress. Hey, shut up, Ms. "Frederick’s of Hollywood Makes Corporate Attire, They Really Do." Piper grabs the nightie back from her. Prue asks Piper if she’s tested Dan to see if he’s a warlock. Piper hasn’t, because he hasn’t shown any signs -- "no cats have hissed at him, he hasn’t blinked, and he hasn’t tried to kill [her] or [her] sisters or steal [their] powers, which is a key indicator." Prue says she needs to get the Book of Shadows, grabs the nightie out of the suitcase and takes off with it. Um, Prue, is there even a name for this sexual psychosis you’re exhibiting? Piper wails, "Hah!" The doorbell rings. Piper whines, "Oh, I’LL GET IT." As I wonder if this line is a blatant shout-out to these recaps, Piper mouths, "Hey, Owen," points to herself, then the doorway, makes a jerking-off motion, shrugs her shoulders dramatically and opens the door.
Foyer. It’s Dan "Uncle Screw" Gordon, sporting his de rigueur polo muscle shirt and greasy Shaun Cassidy shag. He wants to leave for the hotel early so he and Piper "will have time to --" "‘Relax’?" queries Piper as I grimace. Dan just shrugs and asks if there’s any chance Piper will be ready in an hour. Piper: "Every chance." Ew. Cut to this cheesy insert shot of a corner of the foyer, with a CGI Mrs. Bigglesworth in full hiss at Dan. Dan wonders what Mrs. B’s problem is. Piper, to her credit, immediately says she has "to go now" and shuts the door in Dan’s face. Ha ha! Dan looks perplexed.
Inside the foyer. Piper, wigging, screams to Prue, "Did you find that warlock test yet?"
Credits. Tonight it’s just Greg Vaughan and his three very special ladies. Schwing!
Ads. If y’all get me any Gap clothes for the holidays, be sure to enclose the receipt.
Establishing shots of San Fran. Complaint Rocker Two-Times is all: "Run away! Run away! Wail. Wail. It falls apart. La la la." Word. Halliwell Manor. Parlor. Same day. Cut to a weird ceiling-cam shot of the hard Ps poring over the BoS. Why this angle? They’re leaning too far forward for us to look down their shirts, although at this point in the show I’m more familiar with the outline of Shannen Doherty’s breasts than with my own. Piper wonders aloud about Dan and Jack conspiring together to kill the sisters. Prue thinks Piper’s being paranoid. Hello, pot? It’s the kettle. You’re black (tm Phoebe from Friends)! Piper blathers about not being able to trust anybody, with so many demons showing up every week. Prue stops on the "Hear Secret Thoughts" page. She wants to use that spell. Piper asks if that would be considered "personal gain." Prue: "Purely for protection." She lights a candle. The Ps deliver this week’s special discount 99-cent Hallmark Moment: As the flame ends shadow and the truth ends fear/ Open lost thoughts to my mind’s willing ear/ May the smoke from this candle into everywhere creep/ Bringing innermost voices to my mind and speech. Piper’s voice-over thought: Hey, she’s wearing my lipstick. Prue hears this and provides a rebuttal thought: What, I can’t wear her lipstick? Piper: "I didn’t say that! I thought it." Prue’s thought: Whatever. Just learn to share. Owen’s thought: Whatever. Just don’t thoroughly rip off Buffy’s "Earshot" episode. Oops, too late! You are. Piper: "I heard that! This could be dangerous." Just then Phoebe walks in, thinking: Stay calm. Get the BoS. Tommy Tech Vest is in trouble. Piper asks Pheebs what’s the sitch. Pheebs gapes at her. She’s taken off her hospital smock to reveal a long-sleeved midriff-baring lilac Lycra top. She’s also wearing enough bronzer to fill a kiddie pool and more make-up than all of the Foliés Bergeres showgirls combined. Piper back-tracks, asking Phoebe if she saw TTV today. Phoebe wonders why the hard Ps have the BoS downstairs. They explain their suspicions about their respective love interests. Phoebe’s thought: Hello! Paranoid! Piper: "We are not!" Prue: "-- Able to find a spell in the BoS." Phoebe tells the hard Ps to just "prick" their beaus to test them, because warlocks don’t bleed. Excuse me? Wasn’t Jeremy brought up in this very episode? Didn’t he get particularly bloody by the end of the series premiere? Whatever! I’m still trying to find out what happened to Rules Guy Alan and Non-Discriminating-TV-Owen from the PruePaul episode. Anyway, the Ps feel foolish now for casting the "stolen thoughts" spell. Piper, remembering Phoebe’s worries, asks her if she’s okay. Phoebe fills the hard Ps in on the Tommy Tech Vest brain-needle premonition. She tells the Ps to go -- ahem -- "prick" the guys while she goes to do some research on the Internet. The Internet? I hope she starts at this site first, and takes a long, hard look at her inane self. The hard Ps thought-banter. Piper thought-whines some more about the lipstick. Prue gets her thought-bitch on and think-tells Piper to "bite" her. Piper think-replies to Prue that she "loves" her. The director forgets to think-yell, "Cut!" because the hard Ps spend about five minutes after this exchange aimlessly turning pages in the BoS.
Buckland Auction House. Jack "I’m Chip" Sheridan bounds into Prue’s office. Jack is wearing every silly men’s style trend from the last few years at one time: spiky gelled hair, wraparound fly-eye sunglasses, surfer pearls, a garish paneled Hawaiian shirt over a wife-beater and baggy cargo jams with side stripes. Prue: "You don’t actually wear that to work, do you?" I’d say "WORD" to that, but Prue herself has shown up to work in that hideous chartreuse grape-smuggler, and has even put a shiny pleather breen-colored pimp jacket over it, which brings out all of the sewage green tones in her hair. Ugh. Jack Two-Times thinks: Fiesty, fiesty! Somehow, he’s able to part his protruding rows of Stonehenge-sized teeth and say, "Well, when work puts me in front of an online server handling five million online auction hits a day, yeah, I do!" He whips off his glasses to take in the full extent of my lack of awe. Prue gets her bitch on and starts quizzing Jack about his appraiser credentials. She asks him where he got one of his major collections validated, because she needs some "bronzes checked." Jack’s thought: Well, mostly I put people in graves or cremate them. But he says aloud some lie about using Terry Tertiary from the Berkley School of Design. Prue glares at him. Jack’s thought: If she finds out I’m lying, she’s going to die. But he says aloud that he’s late and he has to go, and adds the double imaginary finger gun pointing gesture with "click click" sound for emphasis. Forget the warlock test -- that display of smarminess should be enough to sign his death warrant. Prue gives him the stink-eye and declares, "You’re dying first," to his taillights.
Halliwell Manor. Piper answers the door again. It’s Dan again. He wonders if she’s ready again. She balks again. Dan Two-Times worries: She’s backing out. Don’t push it, don’t push it. Piper freezes him and takes out a needle, blathering to herself about how this will hurt her more than it will hurt him. She -- ahem -- "pricks" him. Phoebe runs down the stairs. Piper is nonplussed. Pheebs asks what’s the big. Turns out Dan isn’t bleeding. Phoebe says that of course he isn’t bleeding, his blood is frozen. Piper gestures for Pheebs to run back upstairs. She does. Piper unfreezes Dan. He bleeds, much too little to take him off the show for good. Damn, Dan is not a Man Witch but a sandwich -- baloney and Velveeta on white bread, dressed with rancid mayonnaise. Dan asks what the hell is happening. Piper joins Owen in happily exclaiming: "You’re bleeding!" Dan sensitive man-thinks: I love her touch. I’m sorry, I find it hard to buy this since I read horndog Greg Vaughan telling Wanda at E! Online that he was pushing the Mister to write his character into a three-way with Piper and Pheebs. Classay! Phoebe runs down the stairs again, providing more breast action in two minutes than one sweeps month of Baywatch. Piper Two-Times exclaims again, "He’s bleeding!" Pheebs: "He’s lucky!" Dan thinks "what the?" Phoebe needs Piper to go on an errand with her. Piper tells Dan she’ll be back in time for their trip. They open the door. Cut to that same cheesy CGI shot of a hissing Mrs. Bigglesworth. Dan looks out the door and sees a hornet nest. He figures that Kit was hissing at it, and a hornet must have stung him. He leaves. Nothing else interesting happens except Phoebe putting on a Gap Kids denim jacket with a leopard-fur collar.
Apartment building. The docile Ps walk down the hallway. Phoebe fills Piper in on tonight’s villains -- they’re a warlock breed called "Collectors" who drain information out of mortals’ brains. Piper asks Pheebs how they can be vanquished. Phoebe says they’re supposed to exploit the collector’s "thirst for knowledge." Piper, continuing to do my job for me this episode, replies, "Whatever that means." They stop in front of Tommy Tech Vest’s apartment.
Inside the apartment. TTV is getting the shit kicked out of him by Thug and Doctor Thug. Thug holds him down while Doctor Thug makes an -- ahem -- needle out of his, um, finger and starts to insert it into TTV’s head. The docile Ps burst into the room. Pheebs freaks that one of the attackers is the hospital doctor. Piper freezes everyone and declares, "Okey dokey." She tells Phoebe to extricate TTV from the goons by doing her "little thingy." "Okey dokey"? "Little thingy"? Did my elderly former co-worker Kay, who used to refer to Post-Its as "stickies," write this scene? Phoebe rips off, er, channels Buffy and kick-boxes Thug off of TTV. Then she nails Dr. Thug with a right hook. TTV gets a gun out of a drawer and shoots the goons while the girls shriek. The goons are unfazed. TTV and the Ps bolt out of there.
I name the first monkey that flies out of my butt Rob, after the handsome and charismatic actor starring in that Deuce Gigolo comedy. I name the second flying monkey Love, after that beautiful and charming actress who’s so effectively promoting Neutrogena cosmetics.
Halliwell Manor. TTV and the docile Ps walk into the kitchen. Piper asks him who he thinks the Thugs are. TTV think-says the CIA or NSA, but says aloud, "Somebody [sic] in bulletproof vests." TTV asks who the docile Ps are. Phoebe says they’re just "friends." TTV think-states his belief that the Ps are after the Acassic Records too. Piper asks TTV what the Acassic Records are. TTV flinches. Phoebe knows the information, I guess from her Web surfing. TTV praises Phoebe on being "well-informed." Phoebe replies that she "reads a lot." While their relationship gets founded on that bit of delusion, Pheebs demands to know how Piper knew the records were involved in all this. Piper says she’ll tell her later. Phoebe switches gears and states the obvious for those viewers who are strapped in and drooling in their tapioca: the Thugs want the Acassic Records, and they want Tommy Tech Vest because he knows where they’re located. TTV suddenly bellows, "WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE?" I think-say: The smart one, the pretty one, and then there’s the ho -- but the roles get switched around every week. TTV can’t hear me. Piper, to her credit, just ignores him and postulates what might happen if the Thugs get hold of the records. Phoebe: "They’ll use the future against us. There’ll be no more ‘us.’ The bad guys will win." Simplistic, yes, but promising, no? TTV suddenly remembers Daddy Von Bulow, and tries to book out of there to take him to safety. Phoebe tries to block him. TTV: "Try and stop me." Phoebe’s body double flips Tommy’s body double down onto the linoleum, where he rests along with Piper’s jaw. Phoebe climbs -- snicker -- on top of TTV. Tommy Tech Vest quips, "How?" Cheesy tinkly piano music starts, so cue the levity. TTV and the docile Ps all smirk. Just then Prue breezes into the room, glances at Pheebs squatting on the stranger, and remarks, "Entertaining guests, I see." Phoebe struggles with TTV and asks Piper to freeze him. She does. Prue appraises TTV as "a cute boy." Perhaps she will auction him off? Phoebe fills Prue in on the sitch with the Collectors, but Piper beats her to it by think-telling all the info. Pheebs demands to know what’s up with the hard Ps. Prue admits that they did a "hearing thoughts" spell. Piper think-says to her: Dan’s clean by the way. Prue think-answers: Glad to hear it. Jack’s not. Phoebe wails, "Are you thinking bad things about me?" Prue tells her sister about Jack and his revealing thoughts of graves and death. She needs Piper to go with her to freeze him for a "pricking" test, and perhaps help kill him if he’s really a warlock. Piper asks Prue what she’s fiddling with on the countertop. It looks like just an old butter knife in one of those tacky purple felt Crown Royal bags, but it’s the -- titter, titter -- dagger that Prue lifted from the "troubled priest with the warlock brothers" episode that no one enjoyed or cares to remember."
A sidebar: Writers, I appreciate y’all’s attempt to create a Buffy-esque sense of history on this show, but the whole point to that tactic is to have PAST EVENTS BUILD UPON NEW EVENTS. Don’t just have the characters pick up old props or drop names FOR NO REASON. One other thing -- the "ongoing history" knife cuts both ways -- so y’all damn well should start doing a better job on CONTINUITY. That is all.
Anyway, Prue kept the dagger for "future warlock use," and it will be her phallic prop for this episode. Phoebe sends the hard Ps on their way. Piper wonders what will happen if the Collectors show up at the manor. Pheebs says she’ll just "hope they won’t." Brilliant plan, no? Prue think-bitches: Great, we have to kill a warlock while she gets to sit on some guy’s --" "Hey!" Phoebe interrupts, before Prue can think-say long, bulbous tipped wand. Prue wonders how Phoebe knew what she was thinking. Pheebs replies that her lazy mind resides right beside her sister’s in the gutter. Actually, Phoebe just says she "doesn’t need a thought spell to know what [Prue’s] thinking." She swats at Prue as she struts out of the room. Piper unfreezes TTV as she walks past them. Phoebe says to the prone TTV: "Now are you going to behave?" TTV asks if he has a choice. That cheesy allegedly mirthful piano music begins again.
Sidewalk. Somewhere. Thug and Dr. Thug get a brainstorm about using TTV’s father to get to Tommy Tech Vest. They blip out of the scene to wait for TTV at the hospital. Excuse me -- wasn’t that they’re evil plan from the beginning? Could these demons be any lamer? I’d say the forces of good and evil are quite evenly matched this episode.
Buckland Auction House. Jack, dressed like Johnny Cash, walks into Prue’s office. Piper comes in behind him and freezes him. Prue cuts Jack’s hand with the knife. He doesn’t bleed. Prue freaks. Piper explains to Prue that his blood is frozen. The door opens behind Piper, hitting her on the ass. Piper sprawls forward. Jack, clad in his "summer clearance table at Abercrombie & Fitch" duds from the earlier scene, enters the room. Piper freezes this Jack also. The hard Ps wonder if the guys are twin warlocks, or just twins. Prue tells Piper to unfreeze them both, and if the first one bleeds, then they’re mortal. She does this. Jack’s hand begins to bleed. So he’s not a Man Witch -- he’s salami and cheddar on an open-faced hard roll, dressed with bacon grease. Malibu Jack asks, "What’s the matter? She bite you?" Prue introduces them to Piper, and asks which one is Jack. Black Jack raises his hand, and introduces Malibu Jack as his twin brother, Jeff "I’m Dale" Sheridan. Then Prue asks what’s the big. Jack explains that ever since they were little, the brothers have played Parent Trap games on each other’s prospective girlfriends. Piper: "To check out the merchandise? Kick the tires?" Prue thinks this is disgusting, although isn’t this the same woman who was stealing lingerie and dishing sexual dirt on her sister not thirty minutes ago? Anyway, Prue think-reminds Piper that they still need to know about Jeff’s "graves" comment. It turns out that -- get this! -- Jeff owns a chain of mortuaries! For those lacking both frontal lobes, Prue repeats Jeff’s "put them in graves or set them on fire" thought that she misinterpreted. The Plaintive Flugel Horn Of Comic Misunderstanding blows, along with this scene. Prue gets her bitch on and tells the twins they "should be ashamed" of themselves. She slaps Jack "for thinking [he] could get away with it." Jeff chortles, and she slaps him also "for thinking [he] wouldn’t get slapped." Heh, but once again I’d like to ask -- what decade is this? I swore I saw that scene before in a Doris Day movie, except Doris wasn’t brunette and braless. Prue and Piper stomp out. Jeff tells Jack he "approves" of Prue.
Halliwell Manor. Sunroom. TTV wants to know why Pheebs is helping him -- is she sure she doesn’t work for a government agency? Phoebe assures him that she’s "just a girl," though her five layers of self-tanner and eight layers of make-up make her resemble a Boca Raton matron who last saw girlhood in the late ‘50s. Phoebe pours out some tea (what am I watching? Lifetime?) and her Electra issues while they discuss helping TTV’s Dad. Turns out Pere Halliwell ran off. Boo hoo. Pheebs wants to help TTV, because she’s a "sucker for family."
Foyer. The hard Ps enter. Piper exclaims, "Jack is not a warlock!" Prue: "He’s a jerk!" Phoebe and Tommy tell them that everyone needs to go to the hospital to get Daddy Von Bulow and keep him safe. They all leave.
Vegetable Patch-up. TTV walks up to the hospital, with the Ps following, looking very Blossom, Buttercup, and Bubbles. They enter the hospital but it’s deserted. TTV sees that the admitting nurse is dead at her station, and runs to his Dad’s room. The Ps also enter the room. A tedious blipping and ducking fight occurs. Although Phoebe nails Thug with a vase of flowers and Prue telekinetically flings Dr. Thug across the room, the Collectors blip away with DVB. Prue throws the warlock dagger at them in mid-blip, and it lands perfectly in the wall. I’m guessing that the writers are gradually giving the Halliwell sisters skills so they’ll all be Buffy manqués by the end of the season. I’m also guessing that the show will still SUCK.
Big K-Mart -- where Penny and Rosie put the "sapphic" in savings!
Hospital. Exterior. TTV storms out with the Ps close behind; he’s freaking that the Thugs took his Dad. Phoebe explains that they were warlocks. TTV doesn’t believe her. She adds that the Halliwells are witches. He doesn’t believe that, either. Phoebe tries to convince him by reasoning that he had never believed the Acassic Records were real, then recently found out differently. He balks. Phoebe asks him to "trust" them, since they’re trusting him to keep their secret. TTV exclaims, "Why would warlocks want my Dad?" GOOD NIGHT, hasn’t this boy been paying attention? Piper says that the warlocks will want TTV now and will try to exchange his father for directions to the records. She tells him that he should go with the Ps to the manor, where he’ll be safe. TTV says he "has another idea" and runs off. Pheebs follows him. Prue wails, "Do we have to protect him?" Piper glares at his vapor and bitches loudly, "HE IS PISSIN’ ME OFF." Piper -- anytime you want a bigger slice of this recap action, e-mail me.
Gold Monkey Museum. TTV and Phoebe walk over to the Acassic Records map slab in the crowded display case room. This is the most unbelievable scene in the whole show. TTV walks over to the fire extinguisher on the wall, grabs it and walks over to the stone map’s case, then has a loud discussion with Phoebe about his plans to destroy this "gift of knowledge for the new millenium." No. One. Tries. To. Stop. Him. He smashes open the glass case, grabs the slab, and breaks it on the floor. Alarm bells go off. TTV and Pheebs stand there for awhile as we see insert cuts of museum patrons gaping at them. TTV makes a speech to Pheebs about how "now no one else will ever be able to translate the map. The only place the longitude exists is in my head." He points in the general vicinity of his head again. Phoebe understands. He grabs her hand and they run off. More shots of gasping patrons, then we hear an off-screen nobody say, "I’ll get security." Why have an alarm if it fails to alert "security"? WHATEVER!
Halliwell Manor. The hard Ps walk up the stairs to the attic, and Shannen’s "free bird" boobage comes right at me. I peek from behind my armchair to see Piper and Prue discussing their absentee father. Prue doesn’t miss him. Piper does. Prue finds a spell in the BoS to erase the Acassic-Records knowledge from Tommy’s brain. Piper thinks that plan will ensure Daddy Von Bulow’s death. Prue states that one person must die "for the greater good" flap flap flap. Piper, still doing my job for me: "Man, you can dress it up any way you want, but it still stinks." Word! And that includes dressing it up in a chartreuse boob sling! Go, Piper! The doorbell rings. Piper (natch) goes to answer it.
Foyer. It’s Dan. He asks if Piper is ready to go. He think-worries that she’ll back out. Piper assures him that she wants to go, but she’s not ready just yet. Phoebe and TTV come up behind Piper. Phoebe almost blurts something out about the Thugs, but mentions "hearing from the pizza guy" instead. She invites Dan in for the imaginary, non-ordered pizza. Dan think-whines that he wants to leave with Piper that instant. Piper tells Dan that she knows "what he’s thinking." She says she’ll be ready to leave in an hour. The Ps shut the door in his face. Dan thinks some lame punch line about how he never makes it "through that damn door." I’d like to send him through the damn door -- the one marked "STUDIO EXIT."
Parlor. The hard Ps try to give Phoebe the bad news that TTV’s Dad will have to be sacrificed to save the day. Phoebe snits off, thinking: You don’t even care. Realizing they can hear her, she apologizes for thinking it. In the room, TTV checks his messages on the cell phone, to see if the Collectors have called. Um, couldn’t they just blip in? Just then, Dr. Thug calls him to arrange a meeting in the Oak Grove at Golden Gate Park. To convince him, Thug sticks his -- ahem -- finger needle in DVB’s head, so he’s briefly revived enough to say, "Tommy Tech Vest? Son? I feel so odd!" Phoebe walks in to talk to TTV. He asks her to make "some tea" for them first. She buys that he has been so totally emasculated. Sucker! TTV bolts. As he departs, the hard Ps hear him thinking about Golden Gate Park. The Halliwells follow him.
Kids, the Tobacco Council wants to remind you that smoking is dangerous. Dangerously expensive! You’ll use up money best spent on guitars and stereos. If you want cigarettes, trade them for sex or steal them from your folks.
Golden Gate Park. Piper peels into the parking lot in her SUV. Phoebe think-worries that they’re too late. Piper hushes her. Prue reiterates the hint that the Collector’s weakness is their "hunger for knowledge." The Ps decide to split up to try to find TTV and his Dad.
Cut to Prue strutting around alone. Cut to Phoebe strutting around alone. Cut to Piper strutting around alone. Cut to Prue getting startled -- by a peacock! She briefly gets her bitch on but backs off, mouths, "Okay," flings her swaybacks out of her eyes and struts forward. WHAT WAS THE POINT OF THAT?
Tommy Tech Vest comes upon the Thugs standing beside DVB in his wheelchair. The Thugs brag about having all of the bargaining power. TTV says, "Think again," and pulls a -- snicker -- handgun out of his pants. He puts it under his chin and threatens to blow away his head full o’ knowledge if his Dad isn’t released. Thug sticks his -- ahem -- finger into DVB’s head, and DVB calls out to his son. TTV is distracted, and Dr. Thug blips to his side and grabs the gun. Then he sticks his warlock "wet willie" into TTV’s head and sucks all of his knowledge out.
Phoebe comes upon this scene and kickboxes Dr. Thug away, falling down in the process. Dr. Thug grabs her and sticks his -- ahem -- finger needle in her brain. But wait! Since Phoebe’s brain is totally empty, Dr. Thug immolates immediately, as does the other Thug. The hard Ps come upon the scene. They reunite TTV with his now conscious father. Then they assist Phoebe and thank her for saving the day. Piper: "Thank god you’re all right, and dumb as a box of rocks." Prue: "Word! What would we have done if you hadn’t been placed on television to make Cindy Brady and Carrie Ingalls look positively brilliant by comparison?" The Ps hug. The episode ends.
What? Oh, all right -- here’s what really happened.
Phoebe comes upon this scene and kickboxes Dr. Thug away, falling down in the process. Dr. Thug grabs her and sticks his -- ahem -- finger needle in her brain. Pheebs collapses, her "brain" sucked dry. Prue comes upon the scene and makes Thug and Dr. Thug talk to the telekinetic hand. Piper arrives. The Thugs get up. Thug thinks: That’s right, witches, come and get me. Don’t blip. Let Dr. Thug surprise them from behind. Prue hears this and tells Piper not to freeze them yet, so she can set a trap. Dr. Thug appears behind Prue. Piper freezes the Thugs. Prue moves the Thugs together, so their -- ahem -- finger needles are positioned at each other’s heads. Piper unfreezes the scene. The Thugs suck each other away in this week’s bad "poor horizontal hold" effect. Prue thinks: You know, they really shouldn’t have given us the finger. Piper: You read my mind. Who do the hard Ps think they are -- Roger Moore as James Bond? ["Try Timothy Dalton." -- Sars] Phoebe gets up, but she has no idea where she is. The last thing she can remember happened three weeks ago. Tommy Tech Vest gets up and meets with his Dad, now conscious. Phoebe whines in her baby voice, "Who’s the cute guy?" and "Did we do something good?" Prue, self-congratulatory as usual, declares that she -- well, they -- "did something incredible!" Shut up, Prue. The Ps hug.
Halliwell Manor. Piper is rushing through the foyer with a suitcase. Prue follows her. They can’t hear each other’s thoughts any more. Piper can’t leave without reciting the Lesson for the Day: "We’ve learned that men, and especially women, aren’t meant to hear each other’s thoughts." Hmm, that sure is sexist enough to be a LftD, but couldn’t it be a bit triter? Prue adds this: "Whether too much knowledge comes from other people’s heads or the Acassic Records, they’re still dangerous thoughts." Perfect! Perfectly ghastly! Keep it! Pheebs walks in the front door carrying a large floral arrangement. Prue: "They’re huge." Piper: "They’re expensive." Prue: "They’re ringing." Piper runs to the door. Dan’s pulling away in his SUV. Phoebe tells her to freeze him and catch up to the truck. Hello, personal gain much? Piper does so, and runs to meet him. Phoebe looks on and decides, "Such a nifty little power." Heh. That was almost charming.
Parlor. Prue holds the cell phone. Phoebe, of all people, has to show her how to answer it. Padding the running time much? It’s Jack. He’s all exasperated because he’s been calling "every twenty minutes for the past hour." Um, big whoop -- four tries. Who’ll cater the medal ceremony? Anyway, Jack apologizes for the twin business. Will Prue have dinner with him? Prue: "I don’t think so." A drink? Prue: "I don’t think so." Get his phone back? Prue: "I don’t think so." She hangs up. Will Jack be Prue’s new honey? Owen: "I think so." Phoebe grabs the phone. Prue asks what she’s doing. Phoebe’s calling Tokyo. She dials a random number and says, "Konichiwa." She then says something in Japanese about a "cut-out bin" and I realize that Alyssa’s talking to one of her allegedly many pop music fans in Asia.
Vegetable Patch-up. Phoebe’s off the phone, in her candy-striper’s smock, and back at the hospital. Tommy Tech Vest comes in and asks for directions to the insurance office. They catch up since the incident at the park. Daddy Von Bulow is recovering rapidly. Then Pheebs and TTV repeat some lines of dialogue from earlier in the show, but get major déjà vu heebs. Pheebs decides to show TTV the way, or "draw him a map." They get even more déjà vu. Phoebe gives Tommy Tech Vest a "You drive a what? Pick me up at eight and bring a bottle" look. I guess these nitwits are truly meant to be together, at least until another love interest is assigned at the beginning of the episode.