Props to Kisle for suggesting that when it comes to this series, sometimes a cigar is not a cigar.
That state park in California where they used to film the live-action Isis and Shazaam series for Saturday morning TV back in the late seventies. Day. Two hikers approach a -- cough, cough -- cave. Hiker One is all excited because "[the -- cough, cough -- cave] has to be it." He and Hiker Two are smeared from head to toe in dirt, like they've already been spelunking, but whatever. They turn on their -- titter, titter -- flashlights and enter the cough, cough cave. Since these characters are nobodies and they're doing something dangerously stupid before the credits roll, I mentally put toe tags on both of them. Why? Because I watched a television show once before. The cavern looks large enough to hold a boat show. The hikers see a spider, then a skeleton, then before some Shriners can jump out wearing Freddy Krueger masks, they spot some drawings on a wall. Hiker Two thinks this is "definitely not a good sign." The crayon drawings consist of an "X," a star, and -- ahem -- a wand. Hiker One takes out his (euphemism) hammer and breaks open an air-quote hole in the wall. Cue the fog machine and falling plastic boulders. A very pretty woman sporting a red Gunne Sax brothel-madam's gown and wild curly red hair emerges from the wall, exulting, "I'm free!" She asks the hikers what year it is. The hikers tell her. She demands to know where her -- ahem -- wand is. The hikers don't know. The witch reaches into her -- cough, cough -- purse and throws magic dust on them. The hikers turn very wee and bitch about this, as do I, because I saw this effect with the tiny fear demon on Buffy's Halloween episode just last month. The witch feeds the hikers to her, um, snake then sends it away in a flying magic cloud to go find her -- ahem -- wand.
Buckland Auction House. Same day. A sign proclaims that they're filming a rip-off of Antiques Roadshow. Prue "Penis Envoy" Halliwell struts onto the bustling scene while chatting on a cell phone with Phoebe "House Waif" Halliwell. Prue, wearing a nice plain blouse unfortunately unbuttoned to her navel (points for wearing a bra, though!) and a flattering long skirt: "Wah wah we're broadcasting live soon blather blather can't it wait?" Cut to Pheebs, standing in the parlor, peering out the window and clutching her pearls: "Dan's truck just pulled up." Prue: "So?" Phoebe: "So they're kissing." Cut to "This Is Not A" Piper Halliwell and Dan "Cortese" Gordon macking in broad daylight on the street, even though they have a choice of not one, but two private residences just a few yards away to which they can retire and complete their business. Pheebs grimaces. Word. Prue gets her bitch on and asks Phoebe why she was disturbed with this "in the middle of her busy day." Phoebe is worried that Piper is going way too fast because she's on the rebound. As much as the PDA disgusts me, I have to agree with Prue's assessment of this sitch as none of Phoebe's business. GET A JOB, Gladys Crabitz. While the lazy Ps hash out Piper's love life, Prue spots an old ornate -- ahem -- wand on the table in front of her. She holds it in front of her to inspect its -- titter, titter -- amber-colored bulbous head. A menial tells Prue she's "on in five." She gets off the phone. Back at the manor, Dan and Piper move toward the house. Pheebs, wearing a tight tummy-bearing white t-shirt with a geisha printed on it, high-water patched Pippi Longstocking jeans, and plastic flowers from a Wal-Mart table centerpiece in her hair, runs to the foyer. Just then, Leo "Turn Off Your Heart Light" Wyatt orbs into the house. Phoebe bitches at him for not knocking. Leo says he didn't think he had to, and adds that he came because "the worst thing imaginable has happened." Pheebs tries to move him out of the foyer before -- oops, Piper and Dan walk in. Ruh roh! Phoebe's attempt to quip: "No kidding!" Cut to The Montage Of Dramatic Close-Ups: Leo! Piper! Dan! Phoebe! Leo! Piper! The Guitar Chords Of Great Running-Into-Your-Ex-With-Her-New-Honey Awkwardness closes out the scene.
Credits. I'd pay good money to watch Fairuza Balk eat the entire cast of this show in one chomp, then use Kit the Cat to pick her teeth.
San Francisco is established amongst much complaint rock. I don't care how picturesque the setting, that traffic jam on the Golden Gate Bridge doesn't seem too enticing. Halliwell Manor. Where we left off. Piper leads Leo into the parlor and gets her bitch on because he showed up unannounced. Leo glares at Dan in the distance. Phoebe stands to him, with her hands so deep in her jeans pockets we're able to see Alyssa's "treasure trail" tattoo. Don't ask me why I was looking. This scene is very tiresome, so to sum it up: Piper hands Leo the same old package of guilt, Dan is perplexed about Leo's presence and his past relationship with Piper, and Phoebe tries to keep everyone calm. After Dan receives the explanation that Leo shows up at the house "whenever things need fixing," he realizes he's late for an appointment and thankfully leaves. Leo then stands with the docile Ps in the foyer and tells them they need "to get going." Phoebe asks where. Leo says he'll explain when they get there. Piper folds her arms and demands to know now. Leo explains the big: "Blah blah two hundred years ago good witch turned evil was entombed yada yada her name is Tuatha wah wah she escaped today prattle." Pheebs: "Who wouldn't go bad with a name like that?" Heh. Leo continues: "Wah wah a normal person born to use Tuatha's [ahem] wand against her blather blather they must find him." Piper, still fresh as paint and nasty too: "Why do we have to find him?" Leo says they need to protect him and help him find the -- ahem -- wand before Tuatha does. Piper makes a "couldn't care less" face.
BAH Roadshow. Prue is on camera, appraising the -- ahem -- wand. Prue: "Distinctly eighteenth century, European, the [titter, titter] tip is amber surrounded by symbolic seals -- it's a ritual [ahem] wand." Prue says the item is worth five thousand dollars. The Old Lady owner seems very pleased with this and exclaims that she bought it at a flea market for only fifteen dollars, where it sat on the remnants table, along with the script for this episode. Cut to Gary Busey's son all dressed up in black, walking into the shot. Oh, my bad, it's an actor named Lochlyn Monro, but I'm still guessing that his conception involved a willing female, a fifth of Jack Daniels, a dime bag, and the Oscar nominee for The Buddy Holly Story. A forklift is used to raise Lochlyn's huge buckteeth, allowing Jack "Slack-jawed Mogul" Sheridan to state that he'll buy the -- ahem -- wand that very moment for one thousand in cash. As Prue waits for her bitch to warm up, he adds a plug for his eBay-ish website, "Sheridan Internet Auctions -- 'If you own it, I can sell it.'" What a catchy name! What a catchy slogan! His advertising agency must be D & D. Prue slams Jack for interrupting her appraisal. Jack picks up the -- ahem -- wand. The two continue to banter, because they both desire ownership of this long, powerful bulb-tipped object. Old Lady decides to take the cash up front instead of waiting for public auction, where the higher appraisal price isn't guaranteed. Prue holds the -- ahem -- wand and guesses that Jack probably doesn't possess any (air-quote) assets, because she "can tell just by looking there's not much there." Prue, of course, is right. Jack gets the Old Lady's address to purchase the euphemism-wand from her later. The director cuts the scene. Prue and Jack make some more half-assed attempts at badinage. Prue declares that her business methods are different from Jack's; she doesn't "lie or cheat." Jack says he doesn't lie, and walks off to go to the bank. Prue, the big fat hypocrite, uses her power to lift Old Lady's address from his pocket as he departs. Excuse me? Personal gain much? And excuse me again -- what happened to Unfrozen Caveman Love Interest Alan from the PruePaul episode?
High school. Same day. Leo and the docile Ps stalk the students from across the street. Phoebe, who must still be in heat, pleads with Leo for him to tell her "that the Chosen One is a big, hunky football coach." Sure Pheebs, but I hate to break it to you -- most of the guys playing or coaching football on WB shows these days are gay, gay, gay. Leo blathers about the Chosen One being a young-un, "the seventh son of the seventh son." Piper asks Leo to point him out. Cut to a geeky (natch) James Van Der Beek manqué walking out of the building, where he's immediately hassled by two bullies. Piper: "He's a high school student?" Pheebs: "And he's a nerd!" Shut up, Phoebe. Piper balks at using a boy to do battle with such a powerfully evil witch. Cut to the teen boy, sitting down on the stoop and practicing a magic trick with a couple of -- titter, titter -- balls in his hand. Leo says it'll be okay once he finds his -- ahem -- wand and besides, since Tuatha knows he's the Chosen One, she's out to destroy him anyway. Piper continues to bitch that the boy should be "battling acne, not evil witches." Leo gives her the stink-eye, and says the boy's name is Kyle. We'll call him Johnny Wand. The three discuss how to approach him, since he has no clue about his destiny. Phoebe suddenly has an idea about how she and her equally beautiful and voluptuous sister can entice this pubescent lad: "He likes magic, right? We'll show him ours!" Sure, because we all know most teenage boys spend hours in the bathroom practicing card tricks. Whatever. The sisters and their breasts bounce up to the fifteen-year-old boy to, um, show off their "magic." Just when I think I've suddenly hit upon a free satellite feed of Cinemax, Johnny Wand blows them both off and tries to walk away. Phoebe tells Piper to freeze him, while she places herself directly in his getaway path. He's perplexed and intrigued. Johnny Wand goes home with them, and the plot advances glacially.
Apartment house. Old Lady brings out a tea tray. The magic dust bunny flies in the window and turns into the, um, snake. Old Lady freaks and tries to use the -- ahem -- wand to defend herself. Tuatha appears and thanks the, um, snake for finding her -- ahem -- wand. Tuatha declares, "My wand." She reaches out her hand and it flies to her. Its -- titter, titter -- tip glows. Old Lady asks who she is. Tuatha says she's the "last being you'll ever see." Old Lady is toast.
Hallway. Prue hears the ruckus. She bursts into the apartment. Old Lady explodes into a ball of light. Tuatha points the -- ahem -- wand at Prue. Prue gives Tuatha a telekinetic bitch-slap, grabs the -- ahem -- wand and sees the, um, snake. She books out of there. Tuatha gets up and is very pissed. She won't follow Prue, because Prue's "a good witch and will come back to [her]." Tuatha picks up her, um, snake and, uh, strokes it.
At Sears, parents can gladly pay Disney for the great privilege of having their child photographed in front of an advertisement for their holiday film release Toy Story 2. Think of the memories! Honey, remember when Timmy was four and we let him shill for the Mouse?
Halliwell Manor. Same day. Leo, Phoebe, Piper, and Johnny Wand are sitting at a table in the sunroom, all wearing bowler hats and smoking large cigars. Kidding. Actually, they're filling JW in on his destiny as a baton twirler. It's evident that the guy playing JW has all of the charisma of a young Craig Wasson. If that reference sent you immediately to the imdb.com archive, then -- my point, exactly. Piper wails on Leo some more about trying not to freak JW out. Johnny Wand, natch, gets freaked out. Pheebs tries to explain that "you can't fight your destiny -- it's who you are." Leo tells him that his destiny is to defeat Tuatha. JW thinks the three have been "put up to this" by one of his brothers. He exclaims, "I'm not the Chosen One! I'm no one!" Word, you low rent Luke Skywalker. Piper looks at JW with pity. JW makes a dash for the door, just as Prue enters holding the -- ahem -- wand aloft. When JW passes in front of it, the -- titter, titter -- tip glows. Leo says, "It's your [ahem] wand. It has to be. It recognizes you, Johnny Wand." Phew. I managed to type that up while keeping a straight face. Piper asks Prue where she got it. Prue wants to tell them in private. The group lets her know that they know about Tuatha. Phoebe tells Prue to let JW hold the -- ahem -- wand. Cut to another time-padding oh-so-unsuspenseful Montage Of Close-ups: Prue! Piper! Prue! Leo! Prue gives JW the -- ahem -- wand. Leo: "Go ahead, it won't hurt you." BWA HA HA! I guess he'll tell him not to worry about the hairy-knuckle myth later. Prue finally hands JW the -- ahem -- wand. Its -- titter, titter -- head glows as JW holds it in front of his bug-eyed visage. Prue calls Leo and the docile Ps up to a processing summit in the attic. JW, getting into the -- ahem -- wand-holding experience, says he'll stay -- but he doesn't know how [air-quote] long.
Attic. Prue, bitch on and arms crossed: "He's just a kid!" Leo: "Blah blah destiny." Prue, put out that this episode isn't all about her: "Then why did I get the [ahem] wand?" Leo says that she was chosen to bring it to him. He adds that there's no spell in the Book of Shadows that will allow the Halliwells to defeat Tuatha. Prue continues to bitch about JW and his role in all of this, as the docile Ps cower. Leo urges the sisters to help train JW to use the -- ahem -- wand. Prue wants the sister witches to try to defeat Tuatha on their own. Leo says that Tuatha will kill them. Prue aims her slanted stink-eye at him and declares: "Don't bet on it." Piper throws out her own "and the blue light you orbed in on" and the Ps go off to try to find out where Tuatha is hiding.
Kitchen. Johnny Wand is standing there holding his -- ahem -- power rod in both hands while he examines its -- titter, titter -- tip. Just then Jenny "Bitch On-genue" walks right in the back door without even knocking and says, "Hey," to him. He greets her. She introduces herself. JW stammers that he's the Chosen One. She asks what his real name is, then suddenly gets really interested in the -- ahem -- wand he's holding, uh, upright in front of her. JW tells her that "it's magic." Jenny "doesn't believe in magic." JW: "Blah blah everyone believes in magic." So this is what the young people are calling it these days (tm Maggie). Instead of the wild sax licks or Sex-on-the-Desk Melrosian Guitar Strumming that should accompany the rest of the scene, some wind chimes start to tinkle. ["Geddit? 'Tinkle'? Okay, sorry." -- Sars] JW holds the -- ahem -- wand in front of Jenny with one finger, and it begins to move around and around and up and down in such a way that both JW and Jenny pop their eyes out and their hair blows back. Jenny thinks that it's "so cool!" Suddenly, Leo walks into the room, demanding to know "what they think they're doing." Johnny Wand puts his -- ahem -- wand away really fast. JW: "Uh, I was just --" "Telling your friend goodbye?" Leo finishes. Jenny, all defensive, says she can "take a hint." Prove it, honey! Arabian Airlines is ready when you are! She says that she just came over to tell Piper that "Uncle Dan" wants to talk to her. She leaves. Leo asks JW seductively, "So you still think you're not the Chosen One?"
Tuatha's -- Cough, Cough -- Cave. She finds her own Book of Shadows under a rock. She looks in it and finds a spell requiring "a red ribbon tied around a fresh heart."
Halliwell Manor. Attic. The Ps find a "scrying" spell which will allow them to find something that's lost. I throw out some suggestions: Continuity? Sharp, witty dialogue? A suspenseful, original plot? Nope, they will use a crystal on a string to try to locate the -- cough, cough -- cave on a road map.
Shazaam! State Park. Brace yourselves. A "Josh" manque is walking through a field in the daylight, talking to himself while holding a video camera on the trail. Suddenly Tuatha appears on the video footage. She asks him if he's lost. He says that he and a couple of friends are making a documentary on the Blair Witch. WHATEVER! And OUCH! This is an all-time low for this show's writers -- at least dropping an anvil (tm Sars) on the viewer's head requires a bit of effort; this sad little non-satire is the equivalent of holding the anvil still and expecting the viewer to run into it head first. Anyway, Tuatha takes a pinch of powder out of her -- cough, cough -- purse and sprinkles it on Josh's chest. Then she reaches in and takes out his beating heart: "From the bottom of [her] heart, she thanks [him] for [his]." The video footage shows her strutting away. WAIT! Come scoop out Owen's brain while you're at it! It obviously won't be needed tonight!
Halliwell Manor. Attic. Phoebe's crystal on a string (what did Freud say that symbolized?) stops above some caverns marked on the map. The Ps get into gear.
Sunroom. Johnny Wand is holding his -- ahem -- wand in front of his face, desperately trying to make it move around again. Leo takes the -- ahem -- wand from him and holds it, er, upright in front of JW. He says that JW "willed" the rod to work before, because he wanted "to impress" Jenny. JW whines some more about how illogical it is that he was chosen "of all people." Please direct those comments to the casting director. Leo tells JW to assume the position and butters him up with the standard "believe in yourself" spiel. The Ps interrupt them. Since they're going hiking, Piper's put on a black sweatshirt over her all-black t-shirt and jeans ensemble, which seems sensible until she finds herself in the rifle sights of the deer hunters; Phoebe's changed into an oh-so-three-months-ago tech vest so she now looks like five different kinds of fashion victim; and Prue's put on a loose-weave white designer turtleneck that would get laughed out of the L.L. Bean catalog. They tell Leo that they're going to pay Tuatha "a little visit." Leo tries to convince them to stay. Piper replies, "It's not personal, just business," pivots that huge chip on her shoulder around, and heads to the foyer, hoping it'll fit out the doorway.
Foyer. The Ps open the door and Jack is standing there, making the exit impassable with his immense beaver teeth and lame attempts at one-upmanship with Prue. Jack says he found the manor by following Prue's [air-quote] scent, and blathers about her expensive perfume. He adds that "the [ahem] wand is mine and you know it." Before Prue can emasculate him further, Dan appears behind Jack. Leo enters the foyer to join the melee. Phoebe decides to move things along by dismissing all the Y-chromosomes and leading the hard Ps out through the back door. Dan to Leo: "Don't you have some other house to repair?" Leo: "No." Zing!
Shazaam! State Park. Tuatha's -- Cough, Cough -- Cave. Prue grabs a long -- titter, titter -- flashlight and enters first. Fake bats fly at her. She sees the skeleton. R.L. Stine prepares to sue. Prue finds Josh's be-ribboned heart on a stone slab. Tuatha appears behind her and thanks Prue for not making her wait too long. She continues to slam Prue by calling her a "predictable neophyte." Prue tries to throw 'tude at Tuatha, but she's impotent. Tuatha says that she removed Prue's power, and she bets Prue "didn't count on that." The docile Ps enter. Prue bets Tuatha didn't count on her having two sister witches. Tuatha reaches into her -- cough, cough -- purse and throws powder on the docile Ps, flinging them backward through the air. Tuatha says she'll be "ready for them time," takes a powder and disappears. Phoebe thinks this is "cool." The hard Ps give her "spin off and find your birth parents" looks.
Nike's Y2K spot? Hot! McDonald's Fry2K spot? Not!
Halliwell Manor. Night. Johnny Wand holds the -- ahem -- power rod erect (snort) above his head. Leo shouts out: "Both hands! You have to use both hands!" I keep waiting for Dan to peer in the window and come to an American Beauty-ish misinterpretation of this scene, but to no avail. JW whines that he didn't have to use "both hands" to make the -- ahem -- wand work before. Leo says that both hands will be required to take on Tuatha; he mustn't let that woman get her hands on his -- ahem -- wand. Leo and JW hold the wand together. Leo, up for a little role-playing, demands: "Just do what I say. Pretend that I'm evil. Will me away." JW holds the -- ahem -- wand in front of Leo. Kung Fu-ish flute music starts. The -- ahem -- wand doesn't work. JW lets it droop (kaff, kaff) and whines some more for Leo to "give it up, Obi Wan." Leo hands him the same old "believe in yourself" speech from before, this time using footage from the second unit. It doesn't work. Having seen the same movies I have, Leo then uses the light-a-fuse ruse: "If you believe in yourself, maybe you'll figure out what you're really angry about." As I float the theory that what Johnny Wand is angry about is what Stephen on Real World Seattle was angry about, JW gets his bitch on: "Screw you!" Leo: "That's right, get pissed at me!" JW thrusts his -- ahem -- rod at Leo and its glowing -- titter, titter -- tip shoots out at Leo, propelling him backward through the stained glass window. JW's eyes bug out and he calls out for his -- ahem -- wand-using master. Leo orbs up behind Johnny Wand and whispers in his ear, "Not bad." I un-clutch my pearls and go to the kitchen to fetch some ice.
Sunroom. The Ps enter and ask what happened. Leo downplays it: "Just a little crash, that's all." Prue wails about the broken window. Piper gets in on the act, stating that she "knows who'll fix it." Then she bitches at him because "what if someone saw [him]?" Leo: "Like Dan?" Ugh. Second verse, same as the first. Then Leo gets concerned because Piper has a cut on her forehead. She shoos him away. JW asks the Ps if they "kicked some butt or what." Phoebe: "Or what." Heh. They explain that Prue's been stripped of her power and Tuatha disappeared. JW is flummoxed, because even the Ps are scared now. As he waves his -- ahem -- wand around for emphasis, he whines: "I. Can't. Do. This." He throws his -- ahem -- wand down on the sofa and storms out. Piper bitches at Leo some more: "You can't stop him, even if it is his destiny." Prue asks Pheebs to find some spells in the BoS to try to defeat Tuatha, "because no one knows the BoS better" than she. Yeah, she fits in her reading in between Judge Judy and Ricki Lake. The lazy Ps go off to the attic.
Shazaam! State Park. More Blair Witch rip-off. The "Heather" and "Mike" manqués bite it. Stupid, stupid, stupid. Cut to Tuatha casting a spell with the two fresh hearts, reciting: Before the passing of this hour/ Take away all of their powers. I'm suddenly bereft of my ability to discern quality entertainment. Tuatha powders her, um, snake and sends it to find her -- ahem -- wand.
Halliwell Manor. Kitchen. Tiresome "breaking up some more" scene with Piper and Leo. She lets him lay his hands upon her to heal the cut on her forehead. Then she defends mortal Dan as someone who "at least [she] can count on to be there for [her]." Ouch. White lighter, heal thyself!
Street. Johnny Wand walking down a sidewalk away from Halliwell Manor. Dan and Jenny drive by in his SUV. Jenny: "Uncle Dan! Stop! That's Johnny Wand, a friend of Piper's! He's cool! I'll be home soon!" Dan makes a half-hearted effort to stop her by reminding her it's a school night. Jenny: "Half an hour." She runs out, and immediately asks him where the -- ahem -- wand is. JW moans, "It's not mine, it never was." Jenny, all insatiable: "You could have fooled me!" Then she gives JW advice from the genius door: "Phoebe once told me that if it matters to you, it matters. So if they think you're somebody, Johnny Wand, then you probably are." JW runs off to smack some sense into Phoebe's empty head, leaving vulnerable young Jenny on the dark urban street alone. HA HA!
Halliwell Manor. Piper paces in the parlor. The dust bunny appears near the fireplace and turns into the, um, snake. POV of snake stalking Piper. For the denser viewers, the editor then inserts a shot of the snake advancing toward the camera. Glad the mystery of whoever was on the floor slithering toward Piper was cleared up. Shot of oblivious Piper. POV of snake again. Snake front again. Piper, still oblivious. Owen, IQ plummeting. Prue comes into the room. POV of snake. Snake front. Phoebe comes into the room also. The only people in suspense are probably the institutionalized. Phoebe bitches that she couldn't find a spell, just that "binding one using human hearts." Piper says, "Take mine. It just gets me into trouble anyway." Shut up, Piper -- your actions on this episode already evince a total absence of "heart." Then Leo walks into the room and immediately spots the, um, snake. Phoebe and Piper shriek and jump up onto the furniture. Prue, to her credit, struts over to the hearth, grabs a shovel and brusquely cuts off the, um, snake's head. The, um, snake turns into two, um, um, snakes. Johnny Wand bursts into the manor. Piper, suddenly needing her cast-off, screams at Leo to "do something!" Leo picks up the -- ahem -- wand and throws it to JW. JW, uh, thrusts the -- ahem -- wand at the, um, er, snakes and "wills" them away.
If a policeman just walked into my house without a warrant and without my consent and busted my balls because my guests and I got too boisterous while playing a board game he, his department, and the city would be in for a world of legal hurt.
Halliwell Manor. Kitchen. Jars and bottles strewn about. Phoebe shows off her abs and the fruit of her potion-making labor. One vial is a potion "to induce sleep." Another potion can "repel an evil threat." Another vial can "put out a fire." Prue: "What kind of potion does that?" Phoebe admits the vial is just full of -- get this! -- water. Story of her life: She "didn't have much" and "did the best with what she could do." Piper wants to know where the potion is that will "give Johnny Wand courage." Phoebe admits, sadly, that there isn't one. Prue is nonplussed. Phoebe: "She's scared. She doesn't like feeling so powerless." Piper thinks that "maybe that's our lesson for the day -- taking our powers for granted." Hey writers, if that's a shout out to the recaps, I take back what I said a while back about putting the LftD earlier in the show. I'd like them removed altogether and replaced with subtextual themes. Thanks! Prue decides that they'll "just have to find a way to help Johnny Wand feel more courageous without magic." If y'all are still watching and don't know what's going to happen , the attendants must have let you stay up past your bedtime.
Foyer. JW says he's "ready." Tuatha appears before them. Prue tells Pheebs to hurl the sleeping potion at her. She does. It only draws a Parker Posey-ish fake yawn from Tuatha. She throws a potion at Phoebe and Pheebs collapses into a deep sleep along with Leo, who hits his head on the way down. Then she throws a potion at the hard Ps, and they turn to stone (shout out?) from the waist down. Tuatha then demands that JW give her the -- ahem -- wand and it flings itself out of his hands into hers, its -- titter, titter -- bulbous tip glowing. She ranks on Johnny Wand about being weaker than the Chosen One who was able to entomb her. Piper tells Prue to use the "courage" potion on Johnny Wand. Prue throws the vial of water at JW and it breaks at his feet. Of course, the nimrod buys it. After twenty-three minutes of JW and Tuatha desperately reaching for the -- ahem -- wand dangling on the piano wire between them, the -- ahem -- wand chooses JW and he uses it to banish Tuatha into a bad "I'm melting! I'm melting!" special effect. I regret Tuatha's passing because the show could use a recurring villain played by a beautiful actress with a flair for guile and bitchery, but if that means Johnny Wand would have to return also -- so be it.
Aftemath. Having served its purpose, the -- titter, titter -- head of the -- ahem -- wand is broken. The hard Ps are freed. Cut to Phoebe moaning and snoring and rolling around like she's having a pleasant dream, or rather, Alyssa Milano proving that she can mug even while unconscious. Piper goes to get some ice for Leo. Leo shoos her away, because he's "fine." Piper: "Are you getting even?" Leo, drifting in from Awkward Segueville: "No, I'm just finally getting it." He's realized that her decision to date Dan is what she "deserves -- a normal life." While I ponder whether Leo's blessing is a back-handed "be careful what you wish for" slam, he orbs out down the K-Mart aisle in his blue light. Cut to JW holding his broken -- ahem -- wand. Prue breaks the news that there was no courage spell. Johnny Wand never had courage, and he never will -- he'll always be a pathetic loser, relying on pity and self-delusion to survive life's monumental adversities and ultimately failing. Actually, she just reiterates the "believe in yourself" blather.
P3AD Nightclub. Establishing shot shows crowds clamoring to get in, and I for one am tired of having to believe that it's a rednecks-at-a-white-sock sale every time the doors fly open. The Ps enter the bar -- Phoebe in red, Piper in cream, and Prue in (natch) black. Prue says she's meeting Jack so she can give him the -- ahem -- wand. Pheebs wonders if she'll tell him "where it's been." Ahem, EW! Prue states emphatically that "it's just business." ["Um -- oh, forget it." -- Sars] Then she asks how she looks. Truth be told, she looks pretty good in her pedal-pushers and diamond-cut halter top ensemble. She greets Jack at the bar. He's very glad to get the -- ahem -- wand from her but is very upset that the -- titter, titter -- head is broken. Prue says that the -- ahem -- wand is now "at least worth what you were going to buy it for." He asks her to have a (euphemism) drink with her. She accepts. Cut to a menial leading Dan to the curtained-off VIP alcove of the club. It must stand for Very Ignorant Piper, because she waiting inside for him. He confesses that he's been worried that she's still seeing Leo. She tells him that it's officially over between them. They mack. The show ends, but you can probably act the rest out using a purse and a snake or a cave and a flashlight and a copy of Freud's Interpretation of Dreams.