This week Alyssa's in heat, Holly Marie's in Dan-ial, and Shannen goes drag king to prevent The Cranberries from wailing on her for stealing their "screaming like a banshee" shtick in her wonderfully bad TV flick Friends 'Til the End.
P3 After Dark. Closing time. People are departing. Phoebe "Eulah! Eulah!" Halliwell comes down the stairs in a sewn-on slip dress, fanning herself. She can't believe this heat wave, the one the WB executives cooked up to strip their young nubile casts down and oil them up for November Sweeps. Piper "Picked a Pecker" Halliwell says, "Tell me about it. The Cranberries are playing an animal-rights benefit here on Saturday and it's going to be a hundred degrees." As if anyone will show up to be inconvenienced, Piper. Phoebe grabs a piece of ice out of the cooler behind the bar and starts rubbing it all over her chest. Piper tells her that if Pheebs keeps making like she's on Red Shoe Diaries, she'll have to break out some "man repellent." Heh. Two barbacks ogle Pheebs, but Piper shoos them away. Phoebe says she "can't help it." Piper: "Am I going to have to hose you down?" Ew. For one thing, please don't, because Phoebe clearly isn't wearing anything underneath that white sausage-casing dress. For another thing, there has to be an air conditioner at full-blast on the set, because it's pretty obvious that, um ... Phoebe's high beams are on (tm Maggie) ... Phoebe's smuggling peas (tm Sars) ... Phoebe's got company (tm Wing)... Phoebe's turkey is done (tm Moira). Don't make me draw y'all a picture. Pheebs explains that she's in a "highly excited state" right now. Piper feels her forehead; Phoebe is burning up. Phoebe says something "freaky" is happening to her. Piper tells her to see a doctor. Phoebe says she doesn't feel sick, just "aroused." She whispers to Piper that she's been having a "sex dream" every night that's unusual. Unfortunately, she explains that she's dreamt about sex before, but this dream contained "a real swank penthouse -- a love den, candles, satin sheets" and "a different man every night telling [her] that [she's] irresistible." Phoebe adds: "Let's just say we could win the gold in the Hugh Hefner Olympics." Hugh Hefner? Did my father write that line? Piper wonders why the dreams are so bad. Phoebe says they're good, but in each one, she "kills the guy." Piper thinks that might be a metaphor for sexual frustration, and says she can relate. Prue "Bren or Brenda?" Halliwell walks in and exclaims, "Oh good, we're decoding men." Piper asks what she's doing there. Prue bitches about what she's not doing: "Lighting candles, getting a back rub, running a hot bubble bath for her date." Phoebe the cardio-thoracic surgeon figures out that Prue's date with a guy named Alan did not go well. Prue complains that it was their third date, and she barely got a kiss goodnight and an "I'll call you." Piper cites "I'll call you" as "the kiss of death." Phoebe nods an emphatic "Uh huh, girlfriend!" Prue bitches some more that she gave Alan "all the signals" but he ignored them. Neither of the docile Ps takes Prue's incredibly horrific hairstyle into consideration here. Just what did Alan think of Prue's reverse corn-row Mohawk, with tight braids running down the top of her head and the sides remaining fallow? Phoebe says that she's had enough talk about men and gets up to go home for "a cold shower and a good night's sleep." Piper tells her to have sweet dreams, but not to kill anyone. Prue looks perplexed. Piper tells her not to ask. Word.
Halliwell Manor. Same night. Phoebe twists and turns in bed. We cut to her hazy B&W dream. A handsome man is telling the camera that he "can't believe this is happening." He's with "the most beautiful woman [he's] ever laid eyes on." We see arms caressing him. Then an insert of the "let there be lips" shot from Rocky Horror. The handsome man thinks he's "falling in love" and the object of his desire is "irresistible." The lips open, and a tongue comes out. It has a head. The head opens, and the tongue's head bares its teeth. ["Ah, yes, the dreaded penis dentatus of folklore." -- Sars] The tongue goes down the handsome guy's throat, and sucks stuff out of his skull. Cut to the straggly-haired, wide-eyed corpse of Freud sitting bolt upright in his grave. Oh, my bad -- it's just Phoebe, waking from her nightmare.
Credits. Jenny "Ruthie" Gordon is missing again. The producers are torturing us one week, then letting us recover, then inflicting even more pain the time. It's wicked cruel.
What is Bridget Gregory doing in a movie with Pigboy and his boyfriend?
Establishing shots of San Francisco as citizens walk around oblivious to the air-raid siren blaring complaint rock throughout town. Oh wait, there's an announcement -- this is just a test of my patience from the emergency Cranberries shilling system.
Buckland Auction House. Day. Camera shot of a blowing fan, panning to Prue getting off an elevator in the hallway. She rushes into her office, checks out her makeup in a compact, then rushes out to the hallway again. Prue begins to oh-so-non-nonchalantly examine a modern sculpture of an entwined couple that's sitting in the middle of the passage. She has about as much patience for this folderol as I do, because the minute Alan walks into the shot, she bounds over to him. They greet one another. Alan complains that it's hot, and unfortunately the building's AC is on the fritz. Prue asks him "just out of curiosity" if "something happened" on their date "to upset [him] or something." Alan: "Upset? No, no, not at all. Actually I had a great time. We should do it again; I'll call you." He walks away. Prue is stunned. She mutters, "The kiss of death." Daryl "My Hammy Vice" Morris comes up to her and tells her they need to talk. Dorian Gregory must have gotten a stern talking to from the producers and a scrip for downers, because he's oddly subdued in this episode compared to his last appearance. Daryl asks Prue if she's okay. Prue starts to bitch about men, and asks what's the big about "how one minute guys are sending out all the signals, then the minute they turn them off like a switch." She wonders, "What do men want, anyway?" This week, it's Daryl's turn to look stricken along with Owen.
BAH. Prue's office. Daryl opens the door for her, and she praises him effusively because she's "pleased that while romance is dead, chivalry isn't." It's at this point that I realize that this episode will contain much more wrong-headed sexist blather than usual. A quick rewind to the credits confirms that the script was written by a committee that included Aaron Spelling, Tim Allen, John Gray, Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider. Prue asks Daryl what's the sitch. Daryl explains that four men have been killed on the past four nights of the heat wave blah blah blah he has no suspects wah wah wah Prue has a secret flap flap flap here are some photos of the victims yadda yadda yadda all of the men belonged to the same dating service called "Fine Romance." Daryl asks Prue to help out by finding out some information about the service, but he doesn't want her to "get hurt." He adds that "the brass" is watching him on this one, "so it can't be an unexplained case." Way to delegate your whole workload, Mr. Two Speeds: Under-Act and Over-Act. Prue gapes at him.
Halliwell Manor. The camera pans from yet another blowing fan over to Piper, who's carrying a tray of iced tea into the parlor to Phoebe. Pheebs is wearing a tank top, coochie shorts, and nine ounces of baby oil. Pheebs begins to recount her "turned on" dream of sex and murder from the night before. As she speaks, she picks up the pitcher of iced tea, rubs it all over her forehead and chest, then chugs straight from it. That's okay, Lazy P, I'm sure Piper wasn't thirsty anyway. Sheesh. Piper pooh-poohs her sister about not really killing a man in her dream, and prepares a thermometer for her. Phoebe declares that she "could feel his body shaking uncontrollably under hers." Piper: "Now you're making me sick." Word. As Phoebe adds that she "can still taste his blood," Piper sticks the thermometer in her mouth. Woo hoo! Granted, it's not a gag and some duct tape, but it'll do. Prue enters and asks how Phoebe's doing. Phoebe: "Mmm tho hot." The thermometer reads 100.5 degrees. Piper asks Prue what's going on with Morris. Prue shows the docile Ps the crime photos. Phoebe freaks -- the men were all killed in her dreams. Phoebe: "Coincidence? I think not." Piper and Prue decide that Pheebs must have a psychic link with the killer. Phoebe seems to believe that she could actually be the murderer. Piper doesn't agree. Phoebe reminds her about turning into the Wendigo. (I saw that ep last summer and liked it because Piper finally told the lazy Ps off.) Prue wants Pheebs to go to the dating service with her while Piper researches the killer in the Book of Shadows. Phoebe: "I might be a man-killing demon and you send me to Bachelor Central?" Owen: "Contrivance? I think so."
Fine Romance Dating Service, or rather some building with a cheap scroll banner taped over the front door labeling it as such. Outside, Morris and a sexist pig cop, who I'll call Deputy Horndog, are taking photos of the lazy Ps as they enter. Deputy Horndog: "Wow, look at the racks on those babes!" Daryl: "Do your job." Deputy Horndog: "Blah blah taking pics of potential suspects blah blah those two have lots of potential click click click." Don't y'all be fooled for a second. I'm sure this guy's been written in to balance this episode out with a negative male stereotype, but you'll see that it's sexually aggressive women who are truly taking it on the chin for the full running time.
FRDS. Office. A blonde refugee from the set of V.I.P. (the Pamela Lee series, not the Liz Taylor-Richard Burton vehicle) greets the lazy Ps. Her name is Darla and she's no stranger to collagen and silicone; the latter fills out the old-lady bathing suit with skirt she's wearing as a dress. Phoebe leaves Prue with Darla to sign up. Darla gives her sales spiel -- today, and today only, they're offering a year-long special for only $3,500. Prue balks. Darla leans her cleavage forward (for whose benefit, I wonder) and tries to seal the deal with, "I can always tell the frustrated ones. You've been having man trouble lately, haven't you?" Prue makes a stink-face. So do I. Single straight people are actually paying $3,500 dollars each to find one another in San Francisco? Aren't there only 287 of them and they all hang out together at P3AD already?
FRDS. Hallway. Pheebs wanders around. She bumps into some bottle-tan, frosted-tips guy. They both apologize for the sudden and hoary meet-cute. Phoebe asks him if he works there. Turns out he just signed up. Pheebs tells him that he doesn't look like he'd have trouble dating. He replies ditto. Then he introduces himself -- AS OWEN! Phoebe shakes his hand and convulses. She sees him getting sucked dry by the sex killer. She tells Non-Discriminating-TV-Owen that she has to go. He looks sad. Maybe the producers haven't been reading my views on Pheebs very closely after all.
FRDS. Office. Darla hands Prue her contract, adding that her "days of trouble with men are over." She invites Prue to the mixer that night. Prue gets her bitch on and tells Darla that she never had "man troubles. Financial troubles, now, yes, but ..." Phoebe runs up and tells her that they need to book.
Halliwell Manor. Parlor. Piper is holding one of those little electric hand-held fans, and stalking Dan "Savage" Gordon from her window. He's washing his SUV and is badly in need of a barrette to keep those sway-backs out of his eyes. Piper checks out his ass in his relaxed-fit jeans and seems oddly satisfied. The lazy Ps enter. Piper is startled. They ask her what she found in the BoS. She stammers incoherently. The lazy Ps rush to the window and spot the poor man's Lucky Vanous. Prue exclaims, "Great tan! Nice body!" Yeah, check him out in ten years when the bitch tits and melanomas set in, honey. Piper reads from the BoS while Prue stands with her arms crossed and Phoebe the biochemical engineer fans herself with her hand. Piper states that "a witch detaching herself from her emotions, making a pact with darkness to protect herself from heartbreak, becomes a succubus -- a sexual predator." Phoebe adds from the text, "She seeks out men, makes them helpless with her magic and feeds on their testosterone with her razor-sharp tongue." Phoebe continues to be worried that she's this "sexually charged witch." The hard Ps remind her that she hasn't made a pact with darkness, and she doesn't have a razor-sharp tongue. Word -- we've all heard her attempts at quips. Piper turns the page and finds a spell "to attract the succubus, and destroy it with fire." Phoebe moans about her potential "flaming death." Prue decides to cast the spell. If Phoebe becomes attracted to Prue, then Piper will freeze them before Pheebs is incinerated. Phoebe looks stupefied. The hard Ps break out hand puppets, and finally she understands.
Attic. Prue kneels among a Pier One's worth of candles in a huge anvil bulls-eye, i.e. a large chalk outline of the male circle-with-arrow symbol. Piper gives her the BoS. Hallmark provides the lines: By the forces of heaven and hell/ Drawn to us this woman fell/ Rid her of this foul desire/ That she may perish as a moth to fire. Flames shoot up between Prue and the docile Ps. The flames die down. Piper looks at Phoebe, and says she knew the succubus wasn't her sister. Phoebe the nuclear physicist realizes, "I didn't burn!" Just then, we hear a synthesized Jame Gumb voice from the other side of the room: "I'm not." Great balls of Prue Halliwell! It's PruePaul (tm LuluB)! PruePaul looks kind of like Jared Leto. With a broken nose. And a goatee. And a wall eye. The docile Ps stare at him with their hands over their mouths as the Guitar Riff Of Whimsical Gender Turnabout strums. PruePaul stands there in his torn Incredible Hulkstress clothing, strokes his chin hair and wails, "We have a new problem."
Stephanie, get out of bed, put on some clothes and buy yourself a dictionary for chrissakes.
Halliwell Manor. Same day. Piper and Phoebe are waiting outside in the upstairs hallway. Piper: "Prue, please come out." PruePaul: "It puts the lotion on its skin, it does this whenever it's told." Phoebe bitches that PruePaul's been in there an hour already. She wonders aloud if "she's been touching herself." Piper rolls her eyes as my stomach turns. She tells PruePaul that the BoS doesn't contain a reverse spell, which means Prue will remain a man until she attracts the succubus. PruePaul says he's not going anywhere. Phoebe: "See?" Piper snarls and hisses at Pheebs and this, my only moment of enjoyment in the whole episode, fades quickly. She tells PruePaul that he needs to go to the dating service, because that's where the witch picks her victims. PruePaul declines. Piper adds that without his help, innocent men will die. PruePaul decides to come out if his sisters promise not to laugh at him. The 7th Heaven Balalaika Of Belly Laughs begins to riff as PruePaul emerges into the hallway. The ineffective taping of Shannen Doherty's breasts and poor costuming make him look very top-heavy and spindly-legged. PruePaul: "How can I save anyone? I look ridiculous. I'm wearing clothes from the ex-boyfriend pile, I have hair in strange places, and I have a PENIS." Phoebe, being part of the lowest common denominator of television humor audiences, laughs because mere mention of the P-word is so darn funny. PruePaul hits Pheebs and slams the door. Piper smacks Phoebe too and asks, "What's the matter with you?" Piper tells PruePaul that she doesn't have to date anyone. Phoebe adds that "as soon as you trap the succubus, the sooner you become a woman again." PruePaul comes out.
Foyer. The sisters come down the stairs, giving PruePaul advice on acting manly. Piper blathers about male confidence being evident in "the walk, the talk, the handshake." Phoebe adds that men like sports. Piper chimes in with, "Sincerity. That's key." Whatever that means. Piper makes a lame quip about reading in Cosmo that a man is made by "the clothes he wears, the car he drives, and the money he earns." Piper and PruePaul smack Pheebs around some more. Actually, they just ignore her. They decide to work on PruePaul's walk, telling him to choose a man he admires and to emulate him. He struts the catwalk for the docile Ps. Piper: "The man you admire is Richard Simmons?" She and Phoebe think this is completely hilarious, and not an ignorant slam on effeminate men, if not an ugly homophobic slur.
Shame on y'all, writing staff of Charmed.
Still the foyer. Doorbell rings. Phoebe goes to get Daryl's police file and tells the hard Ps to get the door. PruePaul wants to hide. Pheebs tells him to practice for the dating-service outing. She adds that PruePaul should emulate Tom Hanks, because "everybody loves Tom Hanks. Everybody." Sheeyah, right, babe, keep repeating that to yourself and maybe someday you'll believe it. The only good thing about Tom Hanks is the fact that his continual pairing with Meg Ryan prevents them from starring separately in flicks that I might actually want to see. Piper opens the door. It's Dan. He tells Piper that his freezer broke, and he came over to get some ice. Piper stammers a bit and finally introduces PruePaul as "Manny. Manny Hanks." Danny shakes PruePaul's hand and comes into the manor. Phoebe calls to Piper to "come quick." PruePaul tries to stop Piper from going, but Piper assures PruePaul that Dan's a "good man." And you know this how, Piper? Dan asks PruePaul if they've met before. PruePaul says he's the "brother" the Halliwell sisters "never had." Manny, if only that were true.
Kitchen. Phoebe's had another psychic hot flash. Phoebe: "The succubus is in heat -- and so am I!" That line reads much funnier than it was delivered. Piper agrees that Phoebe's libido must be connected to the witch. Pheebs has another spasm, and sees the succubus stroking some egg sacs. The docile Ps agree that they need to stop the witch before she breeds and her offspring start killing the men they attract all over the city. I'd like to add again that hello -- this is San Francisco! Maybe this evil plan would work if the demons were succubi-curious or something.
Foyer. Dan asks PruePaul if Piper is dating anyone. He's backed against the doorway with his hands crossed and folded high beneath his armpits. PruePaul copies this, like it's terribly butch and anyone besides Mary Catherine Gallagher has ever stood that way. The Comedy Relief Riff plays again. Thank god for those cues -- I'd try to laugh if my jaw hadn't been resting on the floor for the past twenty-two minutes. Dan changes his position to the hand-resting-high-on-the-wall full-body lean, like he's working a street-corner lamppost and leaving his other hand free to swing his rabbit-fur purse. PruePaul changes to this oh-so-manly position also. They blather about how awful men who bolt after the third date are. The docile Ps enter with a bucket of ice. They show Dan the door. Phoebe tells Dan to say hi to Jenny. A chill runs down my spine. Dan leaves. The sisters tell PruePaul they're in "big trouble."
FRDS. Taping room. PruePaul's monologue on video about his ideal mate: He admires "listening, kindness, respect. There's nothing sexier or hotter than someone who respects himself or herself, because then they [sic] respect others." PruePaul forgets to mention the self-respecting psychotic and delusional among us, especially the ones I've dated, but whatever. Video Girl thinks he's "really in touch with his feminine side." PruePaul's all proud and shit and not appalled at her blatant men-can't-listen-or-appreciate-kindness sexism. .
Office. Pheebs and Piper ask Darla about Non-Discriminating-TV-Owen and find out he's a doctor. Phoebe, the gold-digging slacker, gets all excited at the prospect of such a catch. She wants more info on him. Darla tells her she can pay the registration fee and join the service. Pheebs tells Piper to freeze Darla. She does. As Phoebe steals Non-Discriminating-TV-Owen's folder, she notices that Dan has joined the service also. She steals his tape for Piper's perusal. And we're supposed to like these characters because -- ?
Outside. Deputy Horndog is still pointing his little penis around, declaring his intention to "do some serious damage" inside and "going a little caveman." Daryl tells Deputy Horndog that he's "really something." Yeah, like a plot contrivance. Deputy Horndog decides to go inside to the mixer "and mix it up." Daryl can't stop him, so he follows.
Inside at the mixer. Piper and Phoebe look at the folders. Pheebs wonders if it's too late for Non-Discriminating-TV-Owen. Piper assures her that if his brain got sucked dry, she would have seen it psychically. Pheebs spots Non-Discriminating-TV-Owen, all dapper in his Banana Republic stretch suit. Phoebe wants to take him back to the manor and keep him safe. Sheeyah right, Pheebs. Piper tells Pheebs to just "talk to him here." I thank Piper on behalf of all Owens everywhere. Piper leaves to go find Prue, and to watch Dan's tape. Pheebs bolts over to my namesake.
Taping room. PruePaul and Video Girl blather some more about his oh-so-wonderful tape. He "could be dating as soon as tomorrow." Perhaps Video Girl should stop whiffing the head cleaner.
Screening room. Piper watches Dan's tape, awestruck, with both hands in her mouth, Ally-style. It's too, too sick-making. It consists of a head-shot of Dan with greasier sway-backs than usual, all faux-bashful, whining that he "can't do this." Video Girl reminds him that his sister paid for it, just so we know Dan's a guy who would never be so desperate to go to such a service without intervention. The dreck continues to be stacked in Dan's favor as he describes his ideal woman: "I'm old-fashioned. I'm looking for the girl door. Good heart. Good personality and looks to match. The kind of girl that [sic] when I leave for work in the morning, I wait just a little bit until she leaves for work too, just to catch a glimpse of that long dark hair and great smile, hoping that one day she'll notice that I'm watching and she'll smile back at me." If were her, I'd be filling out change-of-address cards stat. But Piper is touched and chooses not to believe that Dan is a) a wuss, b) a stalker, c) a lookist, or d) all of the above. Why hast thou forsaken me, Old Piper?
Mixer. A lubed-up Phoebe is all body language screaming "Yes! Yes! Yes!" on a couch with Non-Discriminating-TV-Owen. The poor victim of pheromones asks Pheebs if she wants to get out of there. She says that she can't. He asks why. She says it's hard to explain, and does that oh-so-energy-conserving hand-fanning gesture again. He gets up to fetch some punch. Phoebe has a hot flash showing the succubus stalking Non-Discriminating-TV-Owen at the mixer. For the radio listeners, Pheebs exclaims, "Oh no! She's here!" She goes to him and tells him to stay put, then runs to fill Piper in. Just then Deputy Horndog stops her and starts to harass her. Phoebe has another hot flash, showing more stalking by the succubus. Morris enters and tells Deputy Horndog to let Pheebs go. Phoebe spots PruePaul and tells him, "It's Owen! Take him out, fast!" Because PruePaul is a guy, he interprets this to mean he should punch my namesake out. Piper runs up to PruePaul and wails on him for his actions. Deputy Horndog tells PruePaul he's under arrest. PruePaul slugs the policeman, too. Morris arrests PruePaul and Deputy Horndog, for some reason, arrests Non-Discriminating-TV-Owen. Then it's the moment in the program where a Halliwell exclaims, "This is bad. This is really bad." This time it's Pheebs. Then she has another hot flash and sees the succubus stalking PruePaul now. She tells Piper.
So let's say Arsenio Hall's sitting on a couch in the middle of busy downtown traffic filming yet another one of those comic-on-the-skids-selling-collect-call-service ads and I just happen not to notice him and he gets fatally mushed under my front passenger side wheel. Would that technically be my fault? Would my auto insurance rates have to go up?
Police station. (Sign reading "POLICE," three squad cars parked out front along with two motorcycles, five officers leaving the building in full riot gear.) Night. I smell a "fan" motif, since we pan from yet another one to Daryl refusing the docile Ps' request for him to release PruePaul. They explain that PruePaul's the reason there hasn't been a testosterone-sucking victim that night. Daryl asks them if they want Non-Discriminating-TV-Owen released, too. Phoebe tells him to keep my namesake locked up and "safe." Morris agrees to their demands, but states his belief that "this is going to bite me in the ass. I know it is." Um, "going to"?
Halliwell Manor. The day. PruePaul enters the parlor wearing a full tool belt. He complains that he's surprised that men get anything done, since they think about sex all the time. Then he opens a jar for Phoebe, who's greased up like a cake pan and sitting in an armchair. Pheebs says, "Tell me about it." She asks if he fixed the air conditioner. He did. Piper enters and tells PruePaul that she just got off the phone with Alan, who called to ask Prue for another date. PruePaul asked what she replied. Piper told Alan that Prue was a little "hormonal." At this point, I expect PruePaul to strip down to a wife-beater and go a bit "hormonal" on Piper, but it doesn't happen. Phoebe checks her temperature -- it's 102.5 degrees. Piper tells her once again to see a doctor. Pheebs says there's nothing to be done, since she's connected to the succubus and the witch wasn't able to kill the night before. Piper wonders what they should do. PruePaul tells them his plan. It turns out that the dating service contacted him because his tape "broke a house record." Uh huh, on the laugh-meter. So he set up dates with all the interested ladies at P3AD that night. Piper bitches that he didn't consult the other Ps first. (As if this is different from female Prue's behavior.) Then Piper bitches about PruePaul sucker-punching Non-Discriminating-TV-Owen. PruePaul explains he was just "acting like a man, acting on instinct." When he hit the other guys, he felt "powerful and strong, like somehow that made [him] a man." Piper glances out the parlor window again and tries to speak over my groans, explaining that "real men" are like Dan -- "honest, kind, good heart, willing to be late to work just to make you smile, not a bully who thinks one punch is going to change anything." Hey, can someone turn that hose that was mentioned earlier on Piper? Thanks. She storms off. PruePaul checks to see what's outside the window. Yep, it's Dan again, tuning up his SUV. Pheebs: "Nice body, great tan." The Laff Riot Riff strums again. PruePaul adds, "Awesome truck." Phoebe tells PruePaul that he's truly "becoming a man." Did I miss any of the female-chauvinist sexual stereotyping in that scene? My job was easy, since absolutely nothing could be considered subtext.
P3AD. Police car outside the club. Deputy Horndog whines about his shiner. Morris states that once they "catch the perp" he'll have Deputy Horndog re-assigned.
P3AD. Interior. It's packed. The docile Ps, both wearing corset tops, talk about their plan to catch the succubus. PruePaul will attract her and fend her off until she bursts into flames. PruePaul enters in a black suit and French blue shirt. He looks at a girl's spandex-clad ass as he walks through the bar. A slicked-down Pheebs freaks at this. Piper: "This is starting to get weird." Pheebs: "Starting?" Please, let it end!
Bar. PruePaul sits down, right to -- ALAN! My brief hope that Alan might hit on PruePaul, explaining why he didn't go for Prue's feminine charms the other night, is quickly dashed. PruePaul tells Alan that he works with Prue. Alan says that they've been dating. PruePaul chokes on his highball, as if he didn't expect that answer. Alan continues: "When it comes to dating these days, I can't figure it out. What they want. It's a real confusing time to be a man." PruePaul joins Owen in wondering what the hell Alan means. Alan: "Everything. Opening doors, pulling out chairs. Some women like it, some hate it. You never know until it's too late." Boo-hoo, cry into your beer, hen-pecked Alan. PruePaul asks where Prue falls. (Say that five times fast.) Alan grins and replies that Prue's "one that likes it. Which is cool." Alan hasn't told her how relieved he is that Prue's not one of those hairy-legged women's libbers, because it might "scare her away. If it hasn't already." PruePaul, for some strange reason, thinks Alan's a real keeper. Can someone explain to me how a guy getting upset at a woman for getting upset with him for holding door open for her doesn't make him equally reactionary, and a sexist to boot? I need to move on now before I froth on the keyboard and short-circuit it. ["But before you do, let me just add: ‘Shut up, Alan. Shut up a lot.’" -- Sars]
Other side of the bar. The docile Ps wonder where PruePaul is. Phoebe has a hot flash, showing him getting stalked by the succubus. Just then they see Video Girl walking by in a red slip dress, and figure she's the one.
Bar. Allan continues to blather to PruePaul about how he was "going slow" with Prue because he knew she was on the rebound. Now he worries that he was going "too slow." He blames his error on "the same damn confusing rules" he cited earlier. Sure, dude -- blame your individual actions on those imaginary, inchoate sexist societal pressures. PruePaul concurs. Whatever. Just then, he receives a call on his cell phone from Piper. She tells him that the succubus has targeted him and needs to lure her to the alley behind the club. He leaves.
Other side of the bar. Phoebe confronts Video Girl. Pheebs gets another hot flash, showing that the succubus is already in the alley with Prue. She tells Video Girl, "It's not you." Video Girl is all, "Wow, thank you for telling me that."
Alley. PruePaul looks around. In an astounding plot twist, the succubus actually turns out to be ... PHOEBE! As if! It's Darla. PruePaul tries to throw 'tude at her, but Prue's power doesn't work. Darla tells PruePaul that he wants her, he needs her, he should tell her she's "irresistible." PruePaul does so. Darla whips out her toothy tongue-on. Piper freezes her. The docile Ps ask PruePaul why he didn't use his power. Phoebe queries if he was "impotent." PruePaul gets his bitch on about being called that word. Darla unfreezes and bolts down the alley. Deputy Horndog pulls his gun on her but she throws him into the ever-present conveniently-placed stack of empty cardboard boxes. Daryl Morris steps into her path and tells this seemingly defenseless woman to freeze. She sticks her snake tongue out. Daryl shoots her to death, deciding to ask later if that was a rabid penis in her mouth or was she just angry to see him. He wonders if the Ps are OK. They think so. Piper tells him that he "got his collar." But they wonder: How come Prue's still a guy?
Coroner's office. Same night. The coroner tells Deputy Horndog that Darla's blood yielded extremely high levels of testosterone. Deputy Horndog thinks that's really weird, but her death's "a real shame -- she's a babe!" The coroner leaves. Deputy Horndog makes sure he's gone, then takes the sheet off the naked corpse. Is this show actually going where I think it's going? Dear Lord. Before Deputy Horndog can unzip, Darla's tongue snake whips out of her mouth and into his, sucking the goods out of his cross-eyed, shaking head. Payback's a bitch, ain't she? Yuck yuck.
Do those Fisher-Price Kick-and-Play crib pianos come in adult-size? As if I need another reason not to get out of bed in the morning.
Halliwell Manor. Same night. Piper and PruePaul are in the attic. Piper is leafing through the BoS, wondering why the succubus didn't incinerate. PruePaul bitches about not only being a man, but also losing his telekinetic power. Piper, not listening, looks at Gordon Manor through the window and sighs. PruePaul tells his sister that "men are just as afraid of being rejected as women are. That's probably why Dan hasn't asked [her] out." Piper: "Like you'd know." PruePaul: "I'm a guy, aren't I?" Whoa! So, ladies, be sure to remember that guys have feelings, too. And they all happen to have the same thoughts and feelings. You can't go wrong with that knowledge! Just then, Pheebs rushes in and tells the hard Ps that the succubus killed again -- she just had a hot flash. PruePaul wonders aloud how they can stop the witch. He remembers that when he fell under her spell, he sensed that she would be "devastated" if she were "rejected." Pheebs: "Great, we're dealing with a sensitive man-killing demon?" PruePaul tells the docile Ps to keep processing a solution, while he "takes a leak." The docile Ps yell out simultaneously, "Don't forget to put the seat back down!" No, PruePaul, please keep that seat up! I thought I'd get through this episode without hearing the granddaddy of all sexist-blather attempts at humor, and now I'm definitely going to heave!
The docile Ps look at the BoS together. Phoebe has a hot flash, showing the succubus appearing behind PruePaul. Then they hear a crash in the bathroom. They're too late. Darla took PruePaul out a broken window.
Penthouse Lair. Darla, in black lingerie, walks over to a prone PruePaul on her bed. She compliments him on his tape, and climbs on top of him all predatory-like. She tells him that he won't be able to resist her.
Halliwell Manor. Piper is pacing. She says they have to find PruePaul. Pheebs is sitting cross-legged with her eyes closed. She says she's connected psychically with the succubus, but can't figure out where Darla's apartment is. Piper has an idea: Phoebe should reverse the connection and use the succubus to give PruePaul advice on how to resist the demon. Piper asks what Darla is saying. Pheebs: "She wants Prue to want her." (I was singing "She needs Prue to need her/ She's begging Prue to beg her" at this point, too.) Piper tells Phoebe to tell Prue through Darla that Prue will never want Darla. Did you get all that? Phoebe does it. Then Piper tells Phoebe to tell Prue through Darla that PruePaul is not a man, but a woman. She does. Then Piper tells Phoebe to tell Prue through Darla that since Prue is a woman, she can resist Darla. She does.
Penthouse Lair. Long story short: Prue rejects Darla. Tongue-on. Darla flung back into egg-sac armoire. Candles fall. Fire starts. Succu-bar-b-que. PruePaul turns back into Prue. Prue feels herself up and beams.
Halliwell Manor. Pheebs tells Piper that the succubus is dead and Prue is fine.
P3AD. Shot of The Cranberries' new CD cover as crowds file inside. Prue struts into the club in a black dress and strappy silver pumps. Phoebe and Piper suck up to her about the heat wave beginning again and Prue looking hot, hot, hot. They fan her with "jazz hands." Prue is "just happy to be back in heels." ["Obviously, a man wrote that line, since any woman in her right mind prays every night of her life that Pumas will become the formal-footwear standard. In other words, ‘as if.’" -- Sars] Prue hopes Alan likes her outfit. Phoebe thought Alan was "over." Prue blames it on "a little gender confusion." Piper wonders if Prue "learned some things about being a woman by being a man." Oh, for the love of Mike, here it comes. Can the writers just put the lesson for the day at the top of the hour so we have more time to sew it into a needlepoint sampler? Prue's epiphany: "[The sexes] are different! Which I'm glad about that [sic], but we're also similar in many ways. We all have the same emotions. It’s just if we don't communicate honestly, then we read between the lines and get everything screwed up." Read between the line in the crack of my ass, Prue. And shut the hell up. Just then, Dan enters the club. Piper admits that she used some advice "from the brother she never had," took a chance and asked Dan out. Piper leaves her sisters and gloms onto Dan. Phoebe tells Prue that -- get this -- she decided to finally see a doctor! It's Non-Discriminating-TV-Owen! Guffaw! What a mother-lode of comic payoff! Not! Then the announcer guy from last week, who I thought would have gotten his SAG card and moved on already, introduces "for a one-night-only benefit for the Animal Rights Fund -- The Cranberries!" This is an ironic choice, since the minute Dolores O'Riordan opens her mouth to sing, dogs all over Northern California howl and whimper in pain. Prue meets up with Alan. He's so glad that she called. She says "a really nice guy" encouraged her to. Alan wants to thank him. Prue will. Then she interrupts their conversation by whispering "Cranberries" and leading him to the dance floor. Piper and Full-Of-Himself-Stalker-Dan dance. Phoebe and Non-Discriminating-TV-Owen dance. Prue and Terrified-Of-Assertive-Women-Alan dance. Dolores does a half-hearted jig.