Which Prue Is It, Anyway?

Sorry.

A lovely nighttime shot of the Golden Gate bridge gives way to a less lovely shot of the exterior of a "Pop's Gym." Inside, two men are sparring in a boxing ring, while someone on the sidelines coaches one of them. As they trade punches, a man who looks kind of like a Poor Man's Daniel Davis from The Nanny, but with an unfortunate silvery mullet, surreptitiously enters and observes. With one of the boxers already on the ropes, the other, who looks like he could get hit by a tapir and not feel a thing, lands a haymaker, knocking the first one to the mat. The larger man starts to advance, but is held back by the coach with a "Whoa! Whoa! You gonna kill him!" Perhaps he simply thinks the guy has really tasty-looking ears. Nevertheless, I think a boxer who behaves in this fashion would likely have been banned by the WBF ages ago, but all this is just so Poor Man's Daniel Davis With A Mullet can smile evilly to himself. Shut up, PMDDWAM.

Sometime later, the Mack Truck With A Nasty Temper is getting ready to leave when PMDDWAM enters with an appreciative "Luther Stubbs." Thankfully, that's one nickname I can jettison. Actually, I don't really want to dwell on the silver mullet anymore, either. The dude's name is Gabriel, and the writing staff must have thought it ironic to name a warmongering murderer after an angel. I would counter that "ironic" isn't quite the word. It's morewhat's the word I'm looking for"stupid." Anyway, Gabriel slathers on the exposition, telling us that Stubbs was part of the bloodiest fight he's ever seen, and "the other boxer didn't even make it to the hospital. Died in the ring." Well, first off, it's not like this has never happened in real life, but still, nice job, ref. Also, Stubbs presumably knows all this, since he was there and all, so this all comes off more forced than a shotgun wedding. Stubbs airily says that everyone's got to go sometime, and that's just so we don't feel bad about Gabriel drawing a sword and sliding it into Stubbs's gut, saying he needs his "killer instinct." I think what he needs is less "killer instinct" and more "murderous rage," and given that, I'm glad this guy was disposed of before Television Without Pity came into being. A lot of recappers would have died of gut wounds otherwise. Anyway, using the sword, Gabriel sucks some light out of Stubbs's corpse, and leaves, looking very smug. Perhaps now that your sword has accomplished its task, you could use it to CUT YOUR HAIR.

Manor. Piper tells Prue that it's inventory time at [72virg=ins], and that it's going to take days. And I'm sure it will seem like weeks. To me. Prue switches topics to "Grams's statue," which is not a statue of the fabulous woman in question, but instead a hideous behemoth of a thing that I choose to believe Grams would have paid good money not to own. Piper exposits that storage is $90 a month (just for that thing? Five years ago? I don't think so) so she called Phoebe, who agreed they could keep it in the Manor. Prue rightly protests that it's ugly, but Piper takes this opportunity to tell her "majority rules," a theme that's going to be repeatedly shot into our brains with a nail gun this episode. Restraining herself from asking why their dimwitted mooch of a sister gets a vote, Prue rightly protests that it's ugly, prompting Piper to dare her to move it. Prue focuses her eyes, but the thing only teeters back and forth a bit. Piper exposits that it's solid marble, and given that the quarries in Italy are going to run out sometime, I find that the biggest tragedy of this episode. If you've seen Gabriel's hair, you know that's saying a lot. Piper goes on that it took "eight of Phoebe's bouncer friends to move it." Do I need to pause for a moment and ask you to consider how Phoebe could be in a position to ask eight strapping males to make time to herniate their disks for her? Oh, you already knew she's a slut? Then let's move on. Anyway, Prue fervently wishes for a power progression so she can send the marble atrocity flying out the Manor front door. If she times it right, maybe she could put Darryl out of his misery, thus killing two pointless birds with one stone. As it were.

Anyway, Prue and Piper have their attention diverted by karate-style hooting from the solarium. They rush in to find Phoebe -- in pigtails, boxing gloves, and very sensible workout attire -- landing punches and kicks on a plastic model of a man. Said model has lights built into its front side that ostensibly are telling Phoebe when and where to land her techniques. I'm sure there's a joke in there about Phoebe buying a man to satisfy certain needs, but with eight bouncer friends at her beck and call, that hardly seems likely. That is, until Phoebe tells us that the model's name is "Slam Man." Well, I'm always happy to be proven wrong by a shout-out to Demian. Anyway, Phoebe tells us that she got tired of the whole passive-power thing, so she's been taking self-defense classes and charging them on her new credit card. Prue and Piper humor her, even when she claims that her expenditures will pay for themselves the first time she kicks some bad guy's ass. I thought "paying for itself" meant that some actual money would appear in the future as a result of the expenditure, but it's probably fair to guess that Prue and Piper have heard this tune before. Phoebe starts showing off her moves, prompting Prue to jiggle the Slam Man with a little TK, startling Phoebe. Phoebe responds by mock-grappling with Prue, and Piper even gets in on the act with a Karate Kid reference. Girls, it's all fun and games until someone gets flung into a premonition! Phoebe sees Gabriel approach Prue with his sword, and then Prue falls, although we don't actually see the sword, er, penetrate her. Phoebe shakily tells her sisters that she saw Prue die, and the three of them gape and goggle their way into the opening credits.

Massive Attack plays over daytime shots of the city. In the Manor kitchen, Phoebe sketches several drawings of the sword she saw in her premonition. By the way, if I were to make a swords-as-phallic-imagery joke every time I had the opportunity here, this recap would be approximately eight hundred pages long, so let's just say that the sheer number of swords Phoebe has drawn speaks volumes, and then drop the subject entirely. Piper enters the kitchen, and the two of them tell each other they couldn't sleep thinking about Prue. Phoebe shows her a drawing of the sword she saw, but says she couldn't find it in the BoS. Prue bustles in, dressed for work, which causes her sisters no end of consternation, as she promised she wouldn't leave the house until they figured out what they're up against. Don't worry, kids, you're not dead until Alyssa says you're dead. (Oh, come on, I waited three recaps to make that joke!) Prue breezily tells them that Claire called to tell her that a new client wants to put a "major collection" on the market, and that it would be a "serious coup" for Buckland's. Sounds a little suspicious to me, but apathy is a wonderful thing. The younger Ps are unconvinced, but Prue's not having it, although she does promise to come straight home from Buckland's