Before I start, I just want to thank Demian for the episodes he selected for me to recap. Yes, "The Wendigo" bit, but I've since watched the two episodes between that one and the one I'm doing now, and wow. Not only did he spare me everyone promising that Barbas wouldn't return for 1300 years (Ha! Ha! Ha!) but also the absolutely putrescent and Dolt-heavy "Secrets and Guys," so he is truly a prince among recappers.
Heh. "Dolt-heavy." That didn't used to be redundant.
On the first floor of the Manor, everything suddenly starts shaking. The vibrations stop after a few seconds, but not before we the show's first glimpse of Grams, in the form of a picture on the slanted wall to the lower leg of the staircase. I don't think we've seen that picture before or since, and I'm hardly surprised. Maybe Prue or Piper moved it to the Bimbo Boudoir in the hopes that Grams's stern visage would cow Phoebe into not being such a hag. If so, I think it's safe to say it didn't work. The three Ps come scuttling down the stairs to exposit that they just experienced an aftershock and not anything demonic. Yet. Phoebe natters that earthquakes give her the "jeebies," which is retarded, because you can't really have "jeebies" without "heebie," since that's the expression, but that's just a setup so Prue can teasingly ask, "The Phoebe-jeebies?" Twenty-seven seconds in, and I already want to kill someone. No wonder the Glamorous Ladies have had to fight for their lives so many times. Surfing into the kitchen on a wave of tiresome blather, the Ps kindly tell us about a smell that's coming from the basement. Prue wonders if it could be a gas leak. Piper starts to tell us that she called someone to come check it out, and hey! No need for a shower today, as the doorbell heralds my first Cleansing Burst of Synchronicity! Of course, that doesn't mean I won't be scrubbing the unclean feeling off myself later anyway. In fact, I'd lay odds.
Where was I? Oh, watching Piper leave to get the door, which allows Prue the chance to bitch to Phoebe about getting roped into hosting a dinner party at the Manor for some stupid Buckland's client. Well, she doesn't say it quite like that. Phoebe reassures Prue that with Prue hosting, Piper cooking, and Phoebe serving, the dinner will be a smashing success. Mentally mixing those ingredients, Prue freaks some more, and can you blame her? Piper and the gas man, who's been on every show you've ever heard of and plenty you haven't, thankfully interrupt this nonsense, and the gas man turns up his nose like he just smelled the shooting scripts of later seasons of the show. Prue freaks some more about the fact that a gas leak would mean they can't use the oven, but Piper calms her down, saying she can have the food cooked at [72virg=ins] and brought to the house. I wonder why they're not pursuing that plan anyway, but as we later find out, Prue's freaking out about a dinner for, at this point, five people including the three sisters, so Piper's calmness seems like the appropriate reaction. And by far the less irritating. Don't worry, she'll have her turn.
Anyway, Piper directs the gas man downstairs, and when he's gone, the elder Ps start in on Phoebe about her fear of the basement. I have to say that I was never a big fan of going into my basement alone, so of all the reasons to give Phoebe shit, this one ranks somewhere around "googol." Prue teases that there might be a boogyman down there, or, as Piper corrects, a "Woogyman," which is how Phoebe pronounced the word when she was a child. Well, in that case, let me just express this thought: Phoebe, you're one hell of a witch. Phoebe protests that she was only five, and Prue snarks on her for not having gone back down there in eighteen years. Which, well, not, but who can expect the "writing" "team" to keep track of things that happened twelve whole episodes ago? Of course, if you want to argue that the real problem is that they can't subtract five from twenty-one correctly, I'm not going to be the one to tell you you're wrong. Anyway, Phoebe protests that the thing in the basement was real, but Piper counters that Grams told her she got rid of it to humor Phoebe so she'd sleep better. I don't know why Grams didn't just tell them all the truth. If she'd had it in her head that she might have to bind the Ps' powers someday, I could see it, but that doesn't jive with the upcoming events of "That '70s Episode," so I'm going to bust out the one-word sanity-saving defense mechanism we recappers are so often forced to fall back on: Whatever.
Downstairs, the gas man is startled when the light shorts out, but pulls out a flashlight. Walking forward, he trips and almost takes a header. There's a large crack in the floor, and considering there was just an earthquake, I'd think he'd be looking out for such things. He takes out a tool and starts playing with the crack. Oh, you naughty, naughty gas man. Give it to that floor, baby. What? Something snaps, and steam pours out, followed by a black cloud. The effect isn't overdone, and as such is spookier than I would have expected. The cloud breathes, in a deep electronic mwa-ha-ha voice that's also far creepier than it has any right to be, that the gas man has freed it, and will now help it "take back the hoooooouuuuuuussssssseeeeee." Speed up the Dumbledore-esque delivery there, Cloudy.
Upstairs, Piper asks who "Chanda Lier" is. Apparently it's a pseudonym Phoebe used to score some fake CDs, and if Phoebe's going to commit fraud, you'd think she'd pick a name that's less obviously fake than "I.P. Freeley," but again, whatever. This is all so Prue can make a stupid and strained comment about Phoebe's "dark side" coming to the surface. Prue, honey, if you think that's bad, you should just be glad you didn't live to see Season Four. Even if the rest of us still miss you. Sniff. Phoebe says she doesn't have a dark side (hee) and she's not innocent (duh). Piper babbles something else about the Woogyman, and Prue snarks that Phoebe used to keep them up all night about it when the three of them were sharing a room, like, nice one, except last time I checked, the Manor had three bedrooms, and Finola took The Swim That Needs No Towel long before Phoebe was five, so unless Grams insisted on having a separate room for her gentleman callers, that's utter horseshit. Maybe that's the odor they smelled earlier. On the other hand, it would be amusing to consider that they if they shared a room, it would have had to be the Bimbo Boudoir. Phoebe pouts and whines some more until the gas man reappears. Piper asks for a verdict, and the answer is "bad." Couldn't have said it better, my man. Prue babblingly asks for clarification, which comes thusly: "By tonight, there will be no more problems." I've seen this episode, dude, and you're lying. And here I thought we understood each other. Prue and Piper run off, and thanks for that, considering I'm halfway through page three and we're still in the teaser.
Which is still going on. Downstairs, the gas man turns to face the wall. His shadow turns randomly from one side to another, as if Alfred Hitchcock were trying to capture his better side or something. The gas man asks the shadow which one he wants. Phoebe hollers down that she'll be upstairs if he needs her. The shadow breathes, "Phoebe." Cole, is that you? No? Credits.
Some alterna-testicle shouts something about the boogyman over the daytime opening travelogue. Said testicle drops us off at Buckland's, where Prue is cleaning up her office from the effects of the earthquake. She uses her telekinetic power to fix one of the pictures that's gone crooked, in another example of the horribly tired ritual of demonstrating the sisters' powers at the beginning of each episode. The only thing stopping me from grinding my teeth in frustration is the thought of seeing the orthodontist I had as a teenager again. Brrrr. But seriously, (a), of all the sisters, Prue would know not to use her powers in a place where she could easily be spotted, and (b) if she did, she certainly wouldn't use them badly. Claire neatly demonstrates both my points my walking in a second later and noting that the framed print in question is crooked. Kudos to the writers for pointing out their own inadequacies so prettily -- I didn't know they had it in them. (The "prettily" part, that is.) Anyway, Claire has the "guest list" of "clients important to Buckland's," but since no one shows up at the house other than said Professor, Claire, and the Professor's assistant and possibly slampiece (well, who knows?), it isn't so much a "list" as it is a "name." At the top of the "list" is a "Professor Whittlesley," whose family is rich or something. Claire exposits that the Prof's interested in the Manor, and Prue should keep her happy. I'll give Claire this: She doesn't screw around with the exposition. It's much appreciated. The Professor in question walks into Prue's office without introduction, like, nice manners, and tells Claire that she'd like to bring a guest that night, like again, NICE MANNERS, but this is the stuff C-plots are made of. Claire doesn't bat an eye, and tells Prue the dinner will be "five, plus one." So, six, then. I'm only checking because this show will make you question your math skills. Among other things. Professor Manners notices Prue, and smiles until Claire remembers to introduce them. The professor says how excited she is to be spending the evening in a house with "such history," and while I haven't seen every episode of this show (I'll be deep in the cold, cold ground before I watch anything more with Little Jenny or Greasy Dan), I'd be willing to bet that the house's architecturally iconic status hasn't been mentioned before or since, so let's skip the bullshit, shall we? Professor Manners babbles about the house standing on a "spiritual nexus," and you can practically see the cartoon dollar signs in Claire's eyes as she patiently listens to the professor drone on. The two of them leave, and Prue steels herself to tell Piper the latest Greek tragedy.
Piper, in a wine shop, answers her cell phone to hear, "How's my favorite sister?" Piper's suspicions are raised, which is how you can tell we're in Season One. Piper stops and sputters long enough for a man's hand to reach behind her and grab a bottle of wine. Hanging up on Prue, she reaches for the same bottle, only to find it's not there anymore. This puts the "gin" in "hijinx." There's no "gin" in "hijinx," you say? There is now. Piper accosts the guy, who's not really offensive on any level (read: much, much better than the Dolt) but doesn't really do anything for me, and hoots and sputters some more. Basically? Blah blah blah you-snooze-you-lose-cakes, and it's especially appropriate, given that she would have snagged the bottle if she hadn't been moaning and groaning. Piper freezes the guy, who's got kind of an amusing "you have three heads" look on his face, and then wrestles with the issue of using her powers for personal gain. Only she does so out loud, so it's excruciating. She leaves, and then the guy unfreezes. Ha ha...ha?
Phoebe comes down the stairs, and notices that Grams's picture is crooked again. She fixes it, and then hears the gas man call for help. It takes forever for her to figure out that he's in the basement, like, HELLO. She asks what's wrong, and he very unconvincingly calls that he might have "sprained something." His dignity? He goes on that he could "use a hand down [there]," and if you didn't just mentally cue up the porn music, you're more mature than I am. Phoebe steels herself, and starts to head down, but first very awkwardly (the picture's too high for that to be a natural movement) places her hand on a picture of the three Ps as kids that's hanging in the kitchen to the basement door. Contrivance, annoyed that he's had so much work to do in only the first ten minutes here, clocks Phoebe into a black-and-white past-monition. From behind the camera's view, five-year-old Phoebe's voice calls, "Grams?" The magnificent woman in question is standing partway down the stairs with her hand outstretched. Downstairs, you can see the Woogy, appearing white, as though in a film negative. Upon hearing Phoebe's voice, Grams urgently tells her to go back to bed, and then we're back in the present. That sequence was very well done, and, viewed from the present, bears a loose resemblance to the way Finola died, with the whole getting interrupted from behind while battling a demon. Of course, it was also only four seconds long, but you have to take what you can get with this show. Phoebe breathes, "The Woogyman," and calls down that she's going to get help. The gas man says he needs her help, and if you can leave the porn music aside for a moment, that's suspicious enough that it should send Phoebe jiggling for the hills. Instead, she walks forward, and I wonder if her rolled-up jeans are some more meta-commentary on how the episode's been so far, but I think that's way too subtle for our crack writing team. Anyway, she walks far enough forward to allow the gas man to come out of nowhere and position himself between her and the stairs. The Woogy and Phoebe strike up a casual conversation, and if they have time to do this, you'd think Phoebe might try the spell that we later learn she knows by heart, but then the episode would be over, and the owners of my local liquor store would be sad. They're very nice people, you know. Anyway, the Woogy goes right up Phoebe's nose, which is rather amusing, and then she straightens herself up rather sluttily. The gas man's still there. Just saying.
Piper comes through the front door, struggling with her grocery bags. Hon, you might find it easier if you weren't carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders. She shouts to no one in particular that she's a "culinary pachyderm," to which I really have no response. Other than "shut it." A light to Piper shorts out, and then Kit scurries out the front door, proving once again that he's the smartest thing to reside in that house since Grams kicked the bucket. Anyway, Piper goes into the kitchen, and swirly camera work makes it look like the gas man came out of nowhere. Piper asks him about the gas, but she realizes from his body language that all is not right. She doesn't, however, attempt to freeze him, allowing him to pin her arms behind her as he reaches for a...barbecue fork. Well, let's go with it. Piper calls for Phoebe, who comes running in. A baseball bat materializes in her hand, and between a well-executed camera angle and good work from the Foley guys, I think this guy isn't exactly going to remember who's President when he wakes up. (It's 1999, remember, or I'd say "Lucky him.") Piper babbles for a second before wonderingly asking Phoebe where she got the bat. Phoebe, seemingly her normal self here, admits that it just appeared, and even starts to tell Piper that something weird happened to her in the basement, but appears to think better of it, and they hustle off to call 911. Since I've been pretty tough on this episode so far, I think it's only fair to say that I think it improves significantly from here. Am I going to be nice to it in that case, you ask? Oh, my. You're so young.
Outside, our Dimwitted Detective Duo is on the case, of course. Andy thinks something's up, as the gas man has an absolutely spotless record. Darryl...well, I know it's only my second Charmed recap, but I feel like y'all and I are growing closer, and can therefore admit to each other that NO ONE CARES ABOUT DARRYL, EVER. Prue bustles up, gets the skinny from Andy, and runs into the house. Piper tells her what happened, and asks Phoebe to show Prue her new "power," as Piper's jumped to the conclusion that the incident marks a power progression; Prue's skeptical, as the new "power" has nothing to do with premonition, and teasingly asks Phoebe if she cast a spell from the BoS. I'd be with Prue here if we were still in 1999, but since we're not, I wouldn't mind hearing how levitation follows from premonition, or how astral projection follows from telekinesis, or how martyrdom follows from the power to freeze...whoops, bad example. Anyway, Phoebe gets in a right snit and walks off, although La Milano underplays it rather well, I feel obliged to say. The camera follows her and stops in the picture of Grams, which is now upside-down. Don't worry about Grams, though -- she's sipping dirty martinis with Rock Hudson right about now. (Oh come on, you know she's a fag hag at heart.) Prue sarcastically notes that the evening is going to be fun, and Piper tries to soothe her. Heh. Right.
Phoebe sashays down to the basement, conjures an emery board, and turns and thanks the Shadow-Phoebe for her new power. He commands her to use it on her sisters. Not completely in his thrall, Phoebe begs him not to make her do this. "Phoooooeeeeeeeebeeeeeeee. You're not strong enough to fight meeeeeeeeeeeee." I got places to be, Woogster. Get on with it.
Basement, sometime later. Phoebe, in a blood-red dress and a hairdo that are both rather flattering, files her nails as the Woogy tells her it's almost time. No, it's time now. Seriously.
Upstairs, Piper gets an electric shock from the blender. Prue, in a bathrobe, rushes in and says that the shower is spewing scalding water. Piper concludes that the earthquake screwed up the electrical wiring, and complains about...does it matter? Prue says they still have an hour before...another Cleansing Burst Of Synchronicity? Wrong! Because it's at the door right now, in the form of guests. Piper points out that the clock on the microwave says it's only 6:08 and the guests aren't due until seven, but the microwave fritzes at that point. Nice try, but when clocks of that sort lose power, they start again from midnight, so while it's possible the Woogy's playing tricks, Piper shouldn't think that this is a simple power problem. Phoebe appears from the basement, wondering if anyone's going to answer the door, and again, I really approve of La Milano's acting choice here -- not overplayed, but just bitchy enough that you know something's not quite right. Of course, you might say that that makes her less bitchy than normal, but the effect is the same. Prue goggles at the fact that Phoebe was in the basement, but Phoebe blows off her concerns, looks at her robe, and notes, "You should probably finish getting ready." Hee.
Phoebe opens the front door to find Claire and Professor Manners. She welcomes them in in a subtly off-putting way. Seriously, if she wanted to be a bitch, she could ask why, if Professor Manners has access to so much money, she doesn't go to the salon once in a while. Because the hair? Is a problem. Claire and Professor Manners look at each other bewilderedly, and then, Wine Shop Guy appears behind them. Oh, right -- like you thought they were going to pay him speaking-line rates for that one idiotic scene. It takes at least three idiotic scenes to earn that paycheck around here.
Kitchen of Kill Me Now. Piper spills some flour, and whines how she's a good person and what did she do to dezzzzzzz. Anyway, that's the cue for Wine Shop Guy, whose name is Josh, to enter, bearing the very bottle of wine that caused the tiresome scene earlier. I don't think it's fair for me to be subject to seeing it again if they're not even going to pour me a glass. Anyway, Josh is very nice, Piper's kind of bitchy, and then Phoebe, bless her, enters to ask if Piper's "planning on feeding the people in the living room." Hee. I swear, her delivery is so on. I don't know what could have happened. Piper looks around for an appetizer, like, nice to have nothing prepared on that front when it goes first and all, Ms. Professional Chef. Phoebe spies a large covered tray and grabs it. Piper protests that it's supposed to be part of dinner, but gives in, as, again, there's nothing else to serve. Oy.
In the living room, Professor Manners is babbling about how well the Manor's been restored when Prue makes her belated appearance. Phoebe comes out with the tray, and as she announces "Duck. Medallions..." she uncovers it to reveal a live duck, which quacks. Phoebe finishes, "...sans medallions." Hee. Luckily, Professor Manners laughs, and Prue tries to join in with a silly comment. Claire, as you might imagine, is unamused, and Prue and Phoebe surreptitiously exchange wicked side-eyes. I told you this episode got better.
Piper's kitchen difficulties continue. Phoebe creepily appears behind her, and asks what's wrong. Piper gets distracted by the sink clogging, and asks Phoebe to call a plumber, but Phoebe's more interested in the knife she conjures into her hand. Piper whines for someone to kill her now. Phoebe: "Ask and you shall receive," and even on that pitfall of a line, La Milano injects it with just the right degree of quiet menace. Piper's life is spared, however, when Josh calls into the kitchen, prompting Phoebe to get rid of the knife in a cloud of Woogy-smoke, which is a nice touch that I forgot to mention earlier. Piper bitchily asks Phoebe to escort Josh out of the kitchen, and with her attitude, it's no wonder the only guys interested in her are, well, dead. Phoebe, looking thrown by her brush with killing her sister, obeys.
Professor Manners takes this opportunity to tell more about the spiritual nexus, but Demian's already summed it up really succinctly. Apparently the nexus is equidistant to the five spiritual elements, so it's a place of great power. The power blinks off for a second just as Professor Manners says the word "power," like, ha ha, not, and Prue adds, "Power failure," just in case we didn't get the "joke," like, THANKS, and I find myself thanking Phoebe again for putting an end to this nonsense when she tells Prue that Piper needs her in the kitchen. Her eldest sister sufficiently distracted, Phoebe offers Professor Manners "the grand tour." Heh.
As an aside, since I mentioned the episode where Cole taps into the power of the nexus, it's worth wondering why he didn't release the Woogy in doing so. Of course, it's possible that the Woogy was intimidated by Cole's steely eyes and pouty lips and supple...whoa, my original train of thought is halfway to Duluth. Where was I?
Oh, right. Joy. Prue comes into the kitchen to find Piper literally squealing while sitting on the floor and kicking her feet like a toddler. Sorry, Season One Piper fans, but this is why I am not one of you. Anyway, Prue and Piper have a tiresome argument about the house and Phoebe, and luckily Claire pops in to request a word with Prue. Oh, and she almost turfs it over the duck. And in case you wondered? Quacking is comedy gold. Prue tells Claire she'll be with her in just a minute, and when she's gone, Piper tells Prue that she can't come up with dinner, and it's too late to get any food from [72virg=ins]. Prue decides to cut their losses, and Piper agrees. Sounds like a typical Charmed writers' meeting. The elder Ps vacate the kitchen, allowing Phoebe to sneak in there with Professor Manners. The Prof says she doesn't need to see the basement, but Phoebe isn't having it, saying that it's "the best part of the house." She and the gas man definitely did it.
Prue breaks the news to Claire, who's appalled. Piper tries to save the situation by saying there's a table waiting for them at [72virg=ins]. Professor Manners reappears, and she's now under the same thrall as Phoebe, although she doesn't pull it off nearly as amusingly. Claire simpers (and that's an image) that she's sorry the Prof didn't get to spend more time in the house, but the Prof couldn't care less, and everyone starts to file out the front door. Claire bitches at Prue on the way to the car, tells Prue to "try hard" to make it to [72virg=ins], and leaves, with the two other guests. Prue bends down into a sumo wrestler's pose, the better to be able to support the massive bitch she's about to strap on. She's interrupted, however, by the appearance of her youngest sister in the front doorway. Prue asks why she's doing this. Phoebe: "Because he asked me to." Not the first time she's used that excuse, I'd wager. Prue tries to rush into the Manor, but is repelled by a wall of electricity that sends her flying back across the lawn. Piper shrieks at Phoebe, who counters with, "You don't live here anymore!" She then adds, in an electronic voice, "He does." She smiles, and TKs the door shut with a wave of her fingers. Niiiice, and I mean that.
Morning. Prue and Piper have apparently slept on the lawn. Prue exposits that they've tried "everything" to get back in the house. Piper frustratedly pitches a stray brick at the window, but it meets the same force field, although it doesn't go flying nearly as far as Prue did. Prue and Piper have a strategery session, and Prue decides that they should ask Professor Manners for help, whom I'm sure is going to be so happy to help them after they didn't even so much pour her a glass of wine or anything. Come to think of it, I didn't see anyone with any sort of alcoholic beverage, and I know people were driving, but you can't tell me Claire wouldn't have slugged a quick Manhattan when the evening started going awry. Anyway.
Inside the Manor, fixtures and glass are breaking right and left as Phoebe orders a pizza, saying she doesn't care what's on it as long as "somebody delivers it." The stupidity of that line, combined with the fact that La Milano hammed it up, is enough to break the spell that was making me like Phoebe this episode. Thank God. We get the piece of trivia that the Manor's address is 1329 Prescott Street, which I'm sure has been since contradicted eight ways from Sunday. We see Grams's picture again, which turns red and starts to burn from the center. I don't think that's the Woogy doing that.
University campus. In the rain, Professor Manners is being arrested. Prue and Piper see Josh, and he tells them that during her seminar, the Prof suddenly started choking him, and if one of her students hadn't pulled her off...okay, I'm willing to believe that being possessed by the Woogy gave the Prof super-strength or whatever, but if she came close to killing him, (a) he'd be having trouble speaking, and (b) he wouldn't be using the same tone of voice as he would to discuss the weather, so shut up, Josh. The three of them have a very tiresome conversation that gives us absolutely no new information. Josh says he's going to tag along to make sure the Professor's all right, and his concern, if possibly not credible, seems warranted, as the Prof is being positively manhandled into a squad car. I mean, is Josh even pressing charges? And wouldn't, given what we soon see with Andy, the Woogy's spell be broken now? WHATEVER. Also, Josh tells the elder Ps to feel free to look around his office, which wouldn't be locked or anything. I may have to start using foreign translations of "whatever" just for variety.
Inside, Prue correctly tells us that the five elements are earth, water, fire, wood, and metal. Piper's got a map, and the two of them pick spots on the map that they think correspond to the five elements. They're stupid, but I don't have the energy. The end result is that they draw a pentagram around the house. Prue concludes that the house isn't just on a spiritual nexus, but a Wiccan one as well, and what the hell kind of conclusion is that to draw? She goes on that it's a battleground for good and evil, and WE KNOW JUST GET BACK IN THE DAMN HOUSE ALREADY. God.
Double Dose Of Dumb-Assed Detectives. The Dim Duo pull up in front of the Manor, and see two men across the street throwing garbage cans at each other. Darryl goes to check it out while Andy ascends the Manor steps. Phoebe opens the door and kittens that she thinks there might be a gas leak, and she's home alone, so...clearly Andy's seen a porn flick or two in his life, as he gets a little tongue-tied, but agrees. Phoebe purrs that it's down in the basement, and the door shuts of its own accord.
Darryl's getting the story, which is that one of the dudes came out of the Manor and started throwing things. Prue and Piper have arrived on the scene, and Darryl informs them that he's come because Professor Manners was there the night before, so he and Andy want to ask the Ps some questions. Seriously, are there no other cases in San Francisco? Maybe the Dimwitted Duo's supervisor knows how useless they are, so he just sends them flitting off to the Manor every time a real case comes in. Anyway, Prue and Piper start up the steps, but take cover when the door opens. Piper waits until Andy's in the doorway, reasoning that since the house is letting him out, its guard is down. That sounds like a crock of shit to me, but at least she's trying. Once inside, they see that Phoebe is frozen too, which freaks Prue out, since it means she's no longer good. It's a little convenient, then, that they get her back so easily at the end of the episode, but I can see daylight in the distance, so it's time to speed ahead. Prue and Piper run upstairs to abuse the Book of Shadows just ahead of Phoebe unfreezing and closing the door behind Andy.
Darryl's having to physically restrain the Bickersons when Andy appears and draws a gun on them, looking for all the world like he's going to fire. Darryl's reflexes are equal to the task, however, as he throws Andy to the ground and disarms him. Darryl asks what the hell that was, and Andy admits he has no idea. I'm going to go sit with the shocked people. I need a lot of leg room.
Upstairs, the elder Ps are getting desperate. Prue tries to reconstruct the events surrounding the weird occurrences, but it's Piper who realizes that the Woogy must indeed be real, and responsible for what's been going on. Score one for the middle sister. We learn, though, that there was an earthquake the night Phoebe told them the story, so they've been pretty hopelessly slow on the uptake, here. Prue realizes that the spell to vanquish the Woogy is contained in Grams's story, but unfortunately, they don't remember it. For some reason Piper opens the attic door, and Phoebe's standing there. She very matter-of-factly tosses Piper out the door, which is an amusing contrast to Piper's hysterical shrieking. Phoebe locks the door, and conjures a knife that would be perfectly appropriate for cutting up a small woolly mammoth. Prue tries to tell Phoebe that she's stronger than the Woogy, but Phoebe demurs. "That's why he chose me." As Piper continues to bang on the door, Phoebe intones in her Woogy voice, "But now I'm much stronger than you." She starts to swing, but Prue TKs her across the room. A telekinetic battle here would be pretty cool, and might have saved us a bunch of crappy filler scenes, but they don't go that route, as Phoebe's knocked unconscious, and Prue TKs the door open. She and Piper run down the stairs, and Piper heads for the front door. Prue's all, where are you going, and Piper's all, where do you think, bitch? The house, however, agrees with Prue, as the force field kicks in and sends Piper sliding back across the floor. Piper bitches and moans us into the last commercial break.
In the solarium, Prue tries to remember the spell. Upstairs, Phoebe comes to. Phoebe sneaks by them, if by "sneaks" you mean "clomps down the stairs like a rhinoceros." She then calls for her sisters' help. Piper knows it's a trap, but Prue doesn't know what else to do, because Phoebe's the only one who remembers the spell, so they have to try to weaken the Woogy, which might weaken his hold on Phoebe. Good plan, except for the part where their powers have absolutely no effect on the Woogy. At least "Woogy" is fun to say. Prue and Piper make their way into the kitchen, and Piper says the word "light." Prue grabs a flashlight, but Piper clarifies that she remembers something from the story about using light to guide you to the shadow. They figure out that the Woogy is a shadow, although what use that's going to be to them God only knows. They descend into the basement without any confirmation that Phoebe's down there, like, YOU JUST SAID IT WAS A TRAP. Wow. They see the Woogy, which doesn't look as menacing for some reason, but then Phoebe appears at the top of the stairs, and in the harsh light she looks rather evil indeed. Prue TKs the door shut, in order to take "one evil at a time," and the elder Ps try their powers, which, as I mentioned earlier, have no effect. Phoebe knocks the door back open. Phoebe's sisters beg her to remember Grams's story, and their entreaties seem to bring her partially back to herself. Meanwhile, the Woogy is showing all the urgency of a surfer at low tide. Get it in gear, here! There are nostrils to be flown up! Anyway, Prue and Piper again beg Phoebe to remember the spell. The Woogy mwa-ha-has that Phoebe's evil now, but Phoebe, just as artificially as before, touches the picture of the Ps as kids. She sees a slightly longer version of the past-monition she saw before. With Prue and Piper exhorting her, and the shadow staring to encircle them, Phoebe hesitantly walks forward, and stammers:
I am light
I am one too strong to fight
Return to dark where shadows dwell
You cannot have this Halliwell
As soon as she starts speaking, beacons of light start swirling in the basement. Phoebe continues:
Go away, and leave my sight
And take with you this endless night.
Not bad -- big surprise that Grams wrote it. The Woogy lets out an electronic howl and gets sucked back down. The light closes the rift in the floor, and all the damage to the house fixes itself. Boy, they should remember this spell for all times they're going to trash the Manor. It's better than Raige's stupid seen/unseen spell any day. The photo of Grams is restored, and Phoebe, spent, sits on the basement stairs as her sisters comfort her.
Piper goes to see Josh. Why? No reason. He tells her that Professor Manners is better, although she's being censured by the university, and he's covering her classes, like, NO ONE CARES. Josh gives Piper a bottle of the wine that caused me to cry, and do we ever see him again? No? That's what I thought.
Attic. The Ps clean up as Prue exposits that Andy got a two-week suspension. Phoebe worries about her dark side, and wonders if she's more susceptible to evil than her sisters. Considering that you end up being Queen of the Underworld, I'm going to tentatively check the "yes" box, Feebs. Piper theorizes that Phoebe's the most connected to the house because she was born there. Phoebe says she could "go either way," so we finally have an explanation for her Season Six hair. Piper points out that the Woogy could come back again, so Prue suggests they make their first addition to the Book of Shadows, and smilingly hands the pen to Phoebe. Tinkly music plays as we fade out, and I need to go brush my teeth. For about a month.